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Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Lazy's Halloween Tips And Rants

You want to read this post. And you want to pay attention to the post. Because if you do not, your house and/or car may get egged.

But first some Halloween history. October 31 is a magical time of year. It is not summer, but it is not winter either. The days are getting shorter - but they are not that short yet. This time of year was between life and death. A long time ago, before heating oil, winter was really scary. People believed that the dead could walk the Earth on this day. They also believed in witches and goblins and shit.

But that was all back in the stone age. Literally in the stone age. Really. The people that made all this crap up were probably the same people who built Stonehenge. And there is no iron in that thing. So we are talking some stone age crap here. And it does seem that the modern day Halloween traditions are rooted in Ancient Ireland / England.

NOTE - even if a lot of Halloween traditions are rooted in Ancient Ireland, it is NOT appropriate to give stout to children.

But even today, the stone age lives. Here is a quote from someone who wants to remain in the stone age, where witches and goblins are real and do live in the spooky forest.

"I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice...[The children] are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 1982-OCT-29

OK! Thank you Pat Robertson! Close down Halloween because it is "Satanic". One problem here pal, the Druids did not believe in Satan. At least not the Satan in the Bible. So how can something be "Satanic" if there is no "Satan" in the culture? Got me there. There have been many religions in the course of human history. Some are still around, some are gone - but none of them worshiped the "Satan" in the Bible. Except the modern day Church Of Satan - but nobody pays attention to them. That stuff was invented in the 1960s by some dude on LSD.

And then there is this little snippet I found HERE, written by "The 700 Club". Whoever that is.

But while children and adults innocently imitate ancient Celtic customs, darker practices persist. Witches and Satanists still consider Halloween to be one of the strongest times during the year to cast a spell. On Halloween most witchcraft practitioners participate in a ritual called "drawing down the moon." In this the chief witch of the coven (group of witches) becomes, they believe, a channel for the moon goddess. During this ritual the participants, both male and female, are 'sky-clad" -- that is , naked. Stonehenge, the mysterious ancient stone formation in England, is often the site for bizarre gatherings of occultists, some of who believe they are modern-day Druids. (Many people believe that Stonehenge was a Druid religious site.) And evidence persists that some Satanist and voodoo groups offer sacrifices usually animals, but, possibly, human babies.

Problem here is that the Druids were probably NOT naked for their fall celebrations. It was really cold. Summer celebrations they might have been naked, but not this late in the year! And did you catch the last bit? HUMAN BABIES are being offered by Satanic and Voodoo groups at Stonehenge still to this day? What a crock of shit. Stonehenge is in the UK, not the moon. Don't you think Scotland Yard would have issued with this? Please. None of that shit is going on today. Totally made up. There is other stuff in the article that is made up too. This is why the author is listed as "The 700 Club". Nobody wants to attach their name to this crap.

And then there is this!!!

"There is [only] one reference to human sacrifice in Celtic literature, but it appears to be a Christian forgery. The ancient Celts might have engaged in ritual killing; certainly other contemporary societies did. Modern Druids, of course, do not."

The above is from THIS WEBSITE in case you want to read more. There is plenty of evidence that the Druids had blood sacrifices. And by "blood sacrifices" I mean animal sacrifices. But there is a lot of that stuff in the Old Testament too. So "Halloween" is not, and there is no evidence to support that it was ever, about human sacrifice.

Oh yea, in the Biblical story of Abraham - what did God supposedly tell the guy to do? Sacrifice what on the mountain? And according to the story - Abraham was ready to do it. But at the last possible second God said "I can't believe you fell for this! Man are you gullible! You were really going to do it!". So it seems that human sacrifice is not just for pagan religions.

Anyway back to today. Enough about what happened thousands of years ago.

In advance of Halloween for 1999, Focus on the Family, a Fundamentalist Christian agency conducted a poll of their web site visitors concerning their plans to observe Halloween. 1 Results were:

bullet30% Avoid it because it is evil
bullet29% Enjoy costumes and candy
bullet29% Turn it into a fall festival
bullet9% Ignore it for lack of interest
bullet4% Observe it as Reformation Day -- a recognition of the founding of Protestantism and the division of Christianity into thousands of faith groups.

Get this? 30% avoid Halloween because it is "evil". But just as many enjoy costumes and candy, or have made it a fall festival. The 9% that avoid it for lack of interest must be really old farts. I mean - everyone gets invited to a Halloween party right?

So what exactly is so evil about today? Have we accepted that witches and goblins are not real? People can not fly around on brooms, there is no such thing as a witch potion, cats eyes glow in the dark due to reflected light NOT because of evil spirits and so on.

So what is left? Halloween was never about "Satan". This is just something people are making up today. People who should know better. People who should know that there is no such thing as a "wizard" or "magic" or any of that crap.

Can we PLEASE join the 21st Century and leave the stone age behind already?!?!?! PLEASE?!?!?!?!

Halloween is just a good time for kids. They get to dress up like something and score a bunch of free candy from neighbors. And there are also fun Halloween type games like trying to snatch apples out of a tub of water without using your hands, carving up pumpkins into scary lamps, and so on. In other words - fun! Not Satanism. Fun. Witches are not real. Dressing up in a "witch" costume will not make your kid an evil Satanic Witch.

It will however make them hyper and then sick, after they eat a pound or so of candy.

And now for my tips.

DO NOT GIVE OUT CHEAP CANDY!!!!!!

Spring for the good stuff. Trust me here. If you hand out the good stuff, the evil spirits are pleased and are less likely to egg your house. Goblins and witches and ghosts are really good at toilet papering and egging things.

So hand out good stuff.

Tip number 2 is DO NOT RUN OUT OF CANDY! Buy enough so you will not run out. If you run out of candy, the evil spirits are not pleased and you may get egged.

Tip 3 is DO NOT BE STINGY WITH THE CANDY! If you paid attention to tip 1 and 2 you have ample supplies of the good stuff. One mini Snickers is not going to cut it. You need to hand out a few different things. Mix it up. Maybe a Snickers with a Mars Bar and a Kit Kat and some mini Hershey Chocolate things. This way if the goblin does not like one thing you put in the bag, they can trade it to the vampire for something else. But no matter what, you put something in the bag the goblin likes.

Doing this will please the evil spirits, and you are less likely to get toilet papered or egged.

Tip 4 is NO HEALTH FOOD! Goblins do not want granola bars, fruit, or vegetables. Everyone knows the undead live on sugar and chocolate. And Pixie Sticks!!! Remember Pixie Sticks??? Those were good. Do they still make them? If so, you can never go wrong with Pixie Sticks. So stick with the known things evil spirits like, and lay off the crap.

Plus, some sick bastards out there have put razor blades and stuff in apples. WHO THE HELL DOES THIS???!!? What kind of total ass do you have to be? So apples are no good. Also, fresh fruit is expensive these days. Chocolate and other junk is a lot cheaper.

By the way, the razor blade thing may have been a hoax by someone (or some group) trying to end Halloween festivities. While there HAVE been sharp objects found in Halloween loot, most of the reports turn out to be hoaxes. Click the link to read more.

But reports of poisoned candy are apparently ALL HOAXES. All of them. It has never been documented. The stories first floated around in the 1960s and then went away - until 1982. I remember 1982 - barely. But I do remember the poisoned Tylenol. Remember that? Some sick fuck was poisoning Tylenol. The stuff was pulled off store shelves nation wide. And then the candy stories resurfaced.

Observing tip 4 will please the evil spirits, and make it less likely that they seek revenge on you later that night in the form of toilet paper and eggs.

Nobody tell Pat Robertson that people can not fly around on brooms. He really thinks this is possible. Ill bet his house gets egged. He probably does not hand out any candy.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Daisy said...

Yep, Halloween is all about the candy!

11:52  
Blogger M@ said...

I think I've just been blinded.

15:08  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Daisy - it is about fun. Adults have lame costume parties where there is alcohol. Kids load up on candy. Teenagers load up on candy then TP a friend's house.

And even if you do not go to a party, you can always hang out on the porch handing out candy to all the kids. So it is all good.

M@ - I told you not to do that! Blinding is only the first sign. Next you will grow hair on your palms.

17:16  
Blogger QZ~Ba Doozie said...

nothing happened to any of my stuff, that's because pretty much everyone in this town knows not to mess with me because I bust people up

14:08  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

And you observed my 4 helpful tips? Think that had anything to do with it?

You live in an apartment. So you are more protected. Who cares if someone eggs the building? You do not have to worry about it. Someone else cleans it. Same for the toilet papering. And the hoodlums may not know which car is yours.

My situation leaves me slightly more vulnerable to attacks. But nothing happened.

15:47  
Blogger Fuzz said...

Hey, What do you mean people can't fly around on brooms ? I've seen actual footage of Harry Potter and his friends doing this very thing. Are you trying to say that stuff was faked ?

20:54  
Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Well, we already know I'm nuts, so here goes.
I'm an actual witch. But I can't fly on a broom. I tend not to use them for much else either. Right from the get-go we'll get this out of the way. Real witches don't worship Satan. Like Sully Erna of Godsmack says, "Satan is a Christian creation and they can keep him, I don't want him."
The only thing that makes Halloween/Samhain a particularly good day for spell casting is the fact that so many people are putting energy into it. Ghosts and such could actually give a flying fuck what day you cast spells. I don't know about goblins, but I do believe in the existence of ghosts. They're just people who don't have bodies. I also believe in demons but they don't have any special proclivity for coming out on halloween per se either.
Some witches get very purist too, believe it or not, and offended by people dressing in costumes. I'm not one of them. I believe any time you can lift the middle finger to convention and have a good time, go for it! I also believe in putting hexes on people who poison Halloween candy. Or kicking them in the neider. Whatever works for you!

08:57  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Fuzz - I could be mistaken. But Harry Potter is a Wizard, not a witch.

CM - when I said "there is no such thing as a witch" I meant the green faced with a long crooked nose with a wort on it, and wearing a black pointy hat making a potion out of eye of newt and wing of bat kind of witch. Not the modern day Wiccans, who are known to identify themselves as witches.

03:31  

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