The Divine Comedy.

I know how Dante felt after his journey through the 9 circles of Hell. For I was there just the other day.

The truck needed service. I had these car care coupon things that provided me all the dealer recommended services at various intervals. But they ran out at 60,000 miles. So now that I am at 65,000 miles I can do my own oil changes and all. It saves money to do it yourself, and it is A LOT faster. Oil changes for the truck are easy as I do not even have to jack the thing up. It is already jacked up.

Of course, rotating the tires will be a major pain in my ass.

But I took the truck in anyway, because I have been hearing...A MYSTERY NOISE! It sounds like a scraping type noise from the front passenger wheel. It is not always there. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not there. And it is only there at slow speeds. At speeds above about 30 it goes away. It kind of fades out when it goes away - but when it is there at slow speeds it is fairly loud.

And it is not a constant scraping sound. It has a rhythm to it. Almost like the wheel is only rubbing at one point in each rotation. So at slow speeds the scrapes are further apart - and louder. As I speed up the scrapes come faster and faster and get quieter till finally there is no noise.

So I go in to the dealer to get this mystery noise figured out. Oh and I had thought that maybe I had an oil leak - but it was a very small one. And while it was there I said so the oil change / tire rotation thing (why not) and just for kicks flush the transmission and give me new fluid.

So they did the oil change and transmission flush. And they did find a very small leak at the valve cover gaskets. The gaskets were covered under the warranty (which I found out ENDS in March - which sucks). So no problems there.

But the mystery noise remains a mystery. The noise was not there when I drove to the dealer and it was not there for the mechanic's test drive. The wheels were pulled off to do the tire rotation thing and the brakes and wheels and shit were given an inspection. There were no signs of damage or uneven wear. Everything looked fine. The brake pads are fine, the rotors are fine, the calipers are not hanging up - everything looks as it should look.

So what the fuck?!?! Now I have to wait for the mystery noise and hope I am close to the dealer when it happens so I can swoop in and say "the noise is back! Fix that shit and I want a loaner car so I can finish whatever the hell it was I was doing!"??

And what if the mystery noise does not come back till AFTER March 8 when the warranty expires?

I hate mystery noises.

The dealer lobby is the Ninth Circle of Hell. The coffee machine is usually empty. The hot chick whose only job seems to be refilling the coffee dispenser and talking to people who work at the dealer is always slacking so the coffee dispenser is always running out. I managed only two cups. Is it that hard to keep coffee on?!?!? Apparently it is.

And the large screen TV is tuned into some horrible channel. I had to sit there and be exposed to those awful morning talk shows. How do women watch that shit? It was making my ears bleed.

So I had to keep getting up from the lobby, trying to get more coffee to drop a hint to the chick that she needed to GET OFF HER HOT ASS and either make me more coffee OR ELSE do something else to make me want to remain in that lobby to walk around.

The service took a very long time. First was the oil change / tire rotation / look for the mystery noise / not be able to find the noise / notice the gaskets for the valve covers were leaking a little / flush the transmission. And then there was the "explain to me what was done and how the noise was just not there but everything looks OK" and then the me saying "well then go on and replace the gaskets" and them saying "OK we need to get authorization from the warranty wizard" and then them actually doing the work.

At this point all I can think of is IF the gaskets are under warranty and are to be replaced at no charge to me - why the fuck do you need to ask me about it? Just do it. What am I going to say, no do not change the leaky gaskets for free - I would much rather wait for the warranty to expire so I can pay for it???

So I walk off to the nearby shopping centers. And I found a West Marine. I was in there looking at charts for the Everglades National Park area and stuff. Not to buy any, just to check depths and all. Happy that the water is deep enough for the boat to get in there I start to leave, and then I see something through the display window. I was outside and almost going to walk off without buying anything. But there they were, visible from the outside of the store through the window.
Crocs Hydro! Notice that there is no back strap thing. They fit more like regular shoes. They are less likely to slip off your feet. In fact, you can fix them so it is not likely they will slip off. They seem to have less padding than my other pair of Crocs, but they are still comfortable. I like them already. It almost feels like you are not wearing any shoes at all. Very nice.

So I got em. I took the last pair if size 12 in the store. And they were on sale.

Then I found a place where I could get a beer and some food. So I stopped by there. And then I walk back to Hell and the truck was done.

EXCEPT FOR THE MYSTERY NOISE - which may or may not still be there. I do not hear it all the time so all I can do is wait for it.

I was there for 5 hours. And all I got were two cups of coffee.