This page best viewed with

A Book By CM. Click To Get A Copy

OnePlusYou Quizzes and Widgets
Created by OnePlusYou

No Rights Reserved. Take Anything You Want, But If You Steal Any Text Link To Here.

Send Your Hate Mail To


Sloth:Very High

Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

King Gambrinus - Patron Saint of beer.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

My Twisted Idea Of Funny. Oh Yea And Privacy Invasions.

I thought I would alert you to this massive invasion of privacy. In yet another largely unpublished and not talked about "homeland security" measure it seems that all drivers licenses have been digitized and placed in a national database. Awesome huh? Do you feel safer already just knowing about it?

I do.

Anyway, some no good "civil liberties" champion did a request for public records thing and so the database is now online. I can only guess this was done so we the people notice it and get all pissed off and stuff. Hey just in time for election season 2008!!

So, feel even safer than you did before? Well I do! I feel so safe I think I will start leaving my truck running in parking lots with the doors open.

Anyway, I know you want to see this database. So here it is.

Expect to hear about this one on the news. I can not imagine it will stay buried.

And in other news, ever wonder what it must be like to be a triage nurse in the emergency room? The triage nurse is like the maitre d' at some hoity toity way too fancy for the lights of me eating establishments. You know, the asshole who was appointed to me master of who eats when because some other asshole died. Regular people have to wait and HOPE that some "important" person does not come in and steal the table.

Well the triage nurse is kind of like that. They decide just how fucked up you are, and allocate emergency room resources accordingly. So if they decide you are only mildly fucked up, you may wait for days. Or at least several hours. Meanwhile as you are sitting there in pain you can watch the parade of the less fortunate parade past you into the room where they give you drugs to make the pain less painful.

Until you start to puke. Unless you start to puke, bleed, defecate in the triage station, or otherwise make some sort of horrible very unpleasant mess you get NOTHING.

This kind of happened to me once. I burned my hand. As I recall, most if not all the skin was not there anymore. It was a really good 2nd degree scorch - the most painful kind. So I go to the ER and they take away the large cup of ice water that was keeping the pain away. But they took it away, because it was "unsanitary". Well shit. Excuse me for not giving a rats ass about sanitary. I thought this was the USA! Just give me some sort of antibiotic and let me keep the water.

In exchange, they gave me one chemical ice pack. Thats it. One pack. So I activate it and the chemical reaction gets it cold. But the cold was short lived, and in no more than 30 minutes it was not cold anymore.

The barbarians would not give me another one. Or ice. Or anything. I was told to "just sit there and we will get to you as soon as possible".

A couple of hours later and I could not take it anymore. So I puked in the plants.

THEN I got help. As soon as I was not just sitting there quietly waiting my turn like a civilized person, but instead was making a horrible disgusting mess that someone had to clean up - I get help.

And what do they give me? A pan full of ice water. BASTARDS! That is all I wanted in the first place!

They also gave me a pill. They gave another pill to my mom who insisted that she drive me to the blood letters. They told her not to give me the pill but I got it anyway. Then I got the bucket of ice water, and then finally a shot of some sort of liquid pain medication. That was pretty much the end of the pain caused by the burn.

Why I had to wait hours for it is still a mystery to me.

Anyway, I got massively sidetracked here. I wanted to say that it would be amusing to hear the stories told to the triage nurse. They ALWAYS ask "how did this happen". Well what do you say? You come into the ER with something stuck up your ass - and they ask "how did this happen". Well you can't just say "I don't know" because of course you know.

So, with this in mind - wonder what story this dumb ass came up with to explain the third degree burns on his bare ass.

Whatever the story was, I would not believe it. Unless of course the story was the truth. "Funny story! You see I thought I would stick a bottle rocket in my ass, and then have a friend light it! Man it was going to be funny - till it all went horribly wrong".

Well good news retard in the clip! It WAS Funny! I laughed.

Labels: , , , ,


Anonymous Anonymous said...

The Lazy,

Oh man I can't stop laughing at that video. Lesson learned, don't stick a bottle rocket up your booty if you have a tight booty.

Blogger Fuzz said...

That would really burn my ass too.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That gives new meaning to the term "FIRE IN THE HOLE"!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Anon - I do not think you should stick anything up your ass unless there is a valid medical reason to do so.

Fuzz - I thought the funniest part was when the thing exploded. Still in the ass. That guy needs smarter friends if he is going to be such an idiot.

Anon2 - You said it. I think a new term is needed. The hole is on fire!

Blogger Dusty said...

The first one I didn't fall for..seen that site years ago lazy ;)

The second one however was quite pathetic..I hope he does have third degree burns on his ass..what.a.fucking.moron.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I learned how to triage in EMT class.
One of the funniest stories I ever heard was about the guy who stuck his yang in a beer bottle and it stayed stuck. When he unzipped his trou, out came the unit, beer bottle and all. I would have paid to see that. I can't help wondering just how small his wiener actually was and if that's why he was schtoinking a beer bottle instead of a chick or dude, whatever his sexual preference might be.
But hey, maybe the bottle rocket guy was really, really constipated and desperate for relief!
eeewwww...I don't believe I thought of that!
Actually, yes I do.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Dusty - the classics never die. I want to petition the County to rename my street "Sasquatch Drive". That would be awesome. I am sure that guy had some kind of burn on his ass. At the least there had to be blistering. Taking a dump was probably painful for some time.

CM - Maybe it was a "Mickeys Big Mouth" bottle or something? The only way I can think that happened was the guy heated the air inside the bottle up somehow, placed the unit on the mouth, and when the air inside cooled it would have caused a low pressure in the bottle, pushing the unit down the neck. Where it would then be hard to extract.

On a scale of 1 - 10 of stupid things to do, getting your dick stuck in a beer bottle is at least as stupid as sticking a bottle rocket in your ass and then lighting it.

Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

What a dumbass and a crispy ass.


Post a Comment

<< Home