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Thursday, January 31, 2008

What Is Best In Life?

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women.

As you can tell, I may have gotten around to watching Conan The Barbarian. An epic tale of revenge. With snakes. And heads getting lopped off. And of course a moral.

Don't piss off a barbarian, or anyone who may one day become a barbarian.

The most amazing thing is that it seems this movie has only recently been released on DVD. The very first "Sword and Sorcery" film and it is just now out on DVD? Or at least Netflix just recently obtained this movie. It was on my "saved" list for a long time.

And now a movie for you! Well not so much a movie as a creepy commercial. With a clown. A lame ass clown.

WOW! Television used to be really lame. And creepy. Would you let your kids near some guy wearing a paper soda cup as a nose? I think this commercial is why clown phobia is so common today.

But the guy in this commercial went on to become even more famous. Here is a segment of another TV show he was in.

OK THERE! Moving on........

Clowns are creepy. And never talk to the cops without an attorney. And for crying out loud, lay off the internet chat rooms!

Speaking of cops, I was at aTGI Froday's by the University Of Miami getting food a few days ago. And what did I see?

A car parked in such a way that it was taking up two spaces. So I think to myself "what an asshole this person is". I park at the spot next to the car taking up two spaces, and take another look at the asshole car.

I notice it is a Crown Victoria. I think to myself "huh, lots of police departments buy those".

And then I notice, on either side of the third brake light..........

Police lights. And on front of the car is one of those police spot light things. And behind the grill are more police lights. And at the top of the windshield are more police lights.

What we have here is an unmarked police vehicle. With an ASSHOLE driving it.

Suddenly it was all clear. The ASSHOLE driving the PIG MOBILE is above the law. He can park and take up multiple spaces in a busy parking lot, for his special powers of PORK give him the right to just ignore the lines in the parking lot! Of course us normal people who are NOT PIGS have to obey every single law or else the SWINE will pull us over in his unmarked car and ticket us.

But the law clearly did not apply to him. His PIG BUDDIES were not going to give him a ticket. Nobody was going to tow the car. And even if the car did get towed, the PIG would just go to the tow truck lot, flash a badge, and get the car back. No problem.

So I have a message to the PIG! Why limit your law breaking to double parking? Why not use a handicapped space? You will not get a ticket. Or what the hell, just park sideways and take up three or even four spaces. You deserve that. You are so much better than us peons who have to follow the law because it is the law.

But you, oh mighty one, are above the law. For you ARE the law. I should have offered to wash and wax that patrol car for you as homage to your greatness.

This kind of bullshit really pisses me off. The law is SUPPOSED TO apply to all equally. That is the why it is the law. But all the time I see cops just figuring that they can ignore the law, as if it were something that did not apply to them. I have seen them run red lights WITHOUT emergency lights on - and then just drive normally. Clearly not on any emergency call.

I have been passed by cops exceeding the speed limit by 20 mph on the highway. How did I know they were not on an emergency call? Because they were Miami-Dade County cops and I was in Borward County - or they were Florida City cops and I was in Doral. Or something similar.

Pigs with take home vehicles, speeding because they are in marked cars and will not get pulled over because of some stupid pig code.

But when I change lanes illegally - BAM! I am some sort of major traffic law violator and I get a ticket. But had I flashed a badge, the West Miami police would have just told me to go.

Now as someone who has worked in the government I would hear all the time "the appearance of unethical behavior is just as bad as actual unethical behavior". Or something like that. The idea was that we were supposed to conduct ourselves in such a way as to convey a positive image to the general public.

Of course this does not apply to cops. They are above the law and better than everyone else. So they can hog up multiple spots in a parking lot.

I carry my camera around with me now so I can document any more examples of pigness that I happen to encounter and can photograph.

They expect us to follow the law, so THEY SHOULD SET THE EXAMPLE and follow all laws to the letter. But they don't. They just ticket us when we don't follow the law. But to the police, laws are merely suggestions. Not rules they must obey.

Never before was I more tempted to take a piss in a gas tank. But I did not, for that would be against the law. And I obey the law. Except for some lane changing laws which I have been known to break. OOPS!

But you know what is better than taking a leak in the gas tank? Taking a leak on the door handle. The driver would have to touch the door handle to open it. Taking a wizz in the gas tank would just cost tax payers money to fix the car, and the cops would get a newer patrol car out of the deal. So yea - never before was I more tempted to pee on the police car door handle.

But again - against the law. Unless you happen to be a police officer. Then it would be OK.

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Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

And I thought that was a quote from the Shrub.

I suffer from clown phobia. It's a serious condition that no one should make light of!

Blogger M@ said...

A pig gave me a $500 ticket for parking in a handicapped spot while I unloaded my groceries. Yesterday, I saw a police car parked in that same spot.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Scarlet - The Shrub is not as articulate as Conan.

M@ - EXACTLY! It is OK for them to break the laws, but not for you to do the same. Citizens should be allowed to give cops tickets. Then everyone would remain honest.

Anonymous krk87 said...

the Lazy,

oink Oink. Whenever I've dealt with the po po I've always been surprised by their lack of intelligence. But they could have been smart before they started dealing with Homies on a daily basis.

Blogger Avery Gray said...

You're so cantankerous. You sound like me.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

At one nursing home where I worked they brought in a clown for entertainment. One of the Alzheimer's patients was literally so traumatized that when the show was done she was sitting there staring and shaking and she peed herself. I thought the home should be fined for terrorizing its residents!
Cops around here are always running red lights. They put on the red-and-blues so they can run the red light and then turn them off on the other side. What's the emergency? Why, probably that if they don't hurry, the donut shop will be out of their favorite variety! Because there doesn't seem to be any real emergency at all.


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