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Friday, February 01, 2008

The Shit Post

Yes the shit post. Or should I say The Shitty Post. Who knows. The point is that there will be a lot of shitty shit covered. Like mayonnaise on bread, only stinkier. And possibly with chunks of corn and peanuts and who knows what else in there.

First up - A NEW DRUG! A shitty drug that makes you shit.

f you're suffering from Chronic Constipation, you know how disruptive it can be. If you’re looking for relief, AMITIZA (ah-ma-TEE-zah) may be right for you. AMITIZA can give people with a type of Chronic Constipation known as Chronic Idiopathic Constipation predictable relief.* (“Idiopathic” simply means the cause of constipation is unknown and not due to an underlying illness or medication.) So talk to your doctor about AMITIZA and follow the tips on this website, and you may find the relief you’re looking for.

OK are we clear so far? If you are constipated and you do not know why, here is a drug you can take to make you shit. Of course if you REALLY want it to squirt out you would just drink some mineral oil. Down some of that stuff and you should not venture more than 5 steps away from the toilet.

So why do we need a shittin drug? What have constipated people been doing up to now? Salad spoons? Ex-Lax brownies? Sit and squat and push really REALLY hard till you either have heart failure or shit?

But now that stuff is old school. Now you can just take a pill!

Now of course, what caught my attention more than anything else was THE SIDE EFFECTS! I love the side effects part of TV drug ads. Yes, I saw this advertised on TV. Ironically enough right AFTER a toilet paper ad. I think I was the only one in the universe to notice this and find humor in it. But now...ON TO THE SIDE EFFECTS!

AMITIZA is not for everyone. If you know you have a bowel obstruction, do not take AMITIZA. If you are unsure, your doctor should evaluate your condition before starting AMITIZA. You should not take AMITIZA if you have severe diarrhea.

OK OK OK! Stop the tape! Did you catch that? It is a CONSTIPATION drug. You take it if you CAN NOT SHIT. So I need to be told "you should not take Amitiza if you have severe diarrhea"?? Really now??? REALLY???? If I have the green apple splatters I should NOT take a drug that will make me shit more???

This is like saying "people who are not missing body parts should not attempt to wear a prosthesis".

And this is not all! There is more!

The most common side effects were nausea, diarrhea, and headache. If nausea occurs, take AMITIZA with food. If your diarrhea or nausea becomes severe, tell your doctor. These are not all the side effects associated with AMITIZA.

The most common side effect of a drug designed to make you shit is.........diarrhea. No shit! You don't say! Now how could this be???

Of course this makes me curious. What is stronger, Kaopeptate or Amitiza? I would not want to find out.

And whatever you do - NEVER EVER give Amitiza to your dog. On a plane.

Really - does this stuff HAVE TO be advertised on TV? I am trying to eat dinner here! I do not want to hear about your shittin drug! It causes me to write this post in my head, while trying to eat, and thinking about the green apple splatters. All at the same time.

You know what I think? I think that the marketing department AND the CEO of drug companies should be FORCED to take part in the clinical trials before they can advertise this stuff on TV. Because then they would know about the side effects.

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Blogger TLP said...

Rabbit Rabbit lizard boy.

You're full of it today!

Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

If you know you have a bowel obstruction, shouldn't you get that fixed?

Toilet paper AND constipation during dinner. Weight loss therapy?

Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous Don'tletithitthefan said...

Users of this drug are also asked not to stand near open flames.

Blogger Fuzz said...

Jalapenos and Habaneros work OK for me.

Anonymous krok81 said...

The Lazy,

Oh feces, that was funny.

I haven't had diarrhea since I've started to eat a lot of black bean soup.

Happy black history month.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah, what happened to good old fashioned prune juice? that stuff worked for me. stupid pharmaceuticals

Blogger M@ said...

They should be as discreet as advertisers hawking E.D. and feminine hygiene products.

Blogger Avery Gray said...

So, things are movin' along fine now?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

TLP - I am always full of something.

Scarlet - only if you have insurance. Otherwise you should just let it kill you. How selfish for the uninsured to think they should get obstructed bowels fixed!

HitTheFan - there shall be no explosive decompression.

Fuzz - works great for me too. I can set my watch to my movements. I need no drugs.

Krok - I find that cheese is the food that binds. Black Bean Soup is really good stuff. The Cubans really know how to fix that stuff up.

Doozie - Purne Juice does not make the drug companies any money.

M@ - you got that right. There must be a lot of "not so fresh" chicks and dudes who can not get it up running around out there.

Avery - like clock work. No problems here. I need no drugs! I shall not be a slave to chemicals. Except beer. I like beer. It tastes good.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Alli (the weight loss crap) will also make you poop yourself if you eat too much fat, in other words, anything besides cardboard and that dreadful high fiber cereal. It causes oily sharts. Sounds like a winner! I think I'll just stay fat if that's the alternative.
I know a little about having a fucked up stomach. I have IBS (mostly controlled) which can cause both diarrhea and constipation! (not at the same time.) Oh the joy! Occasionally I end up on the can for a couple hours at a time in excruciating agony with abdominal cramps that make me want to scream "just fucking kill me, please!" Other times the bizness won't transact. So, I use that Phillips stuff. It's a lot cheaper and you don't have to worry about all those side affects.
But above and beyond all that I still say NOBODY SHOULD ADVERTISE PHARMACEUTICALS ON TV! EVER!!! Can anybody say "unethical???"

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - You may have noticed but I have an on again off again theme against advertising drugs on TV, radio, billboards, print ads, and all other means. Advertising in general is unethical, no matter what the product.

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