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Friday, May 23, 2008

American Movie Classics? Who Are You Trying To Fool?

There is some communist bullshit afoot.

In January I applied for some digital TV converter coupons. I lied on the application, saying I did not have cable or satellite service.

But the things never arrived. So I just went to check the status of my application. It seems I was approved, and the things were mailed to me. TWO MONTHS AGO. But did I ever see them? Hell no.

What the fuck happened to them? Beats me. Someone must have collected the mail and said "AH! Something for Lazy. Looks important! Well I know what to do with this! Ill shove it up my ass!".

And if this is the case, I really do not want them anymore.

So you know what that means? $80. I think each coupon was for $40. While this would not pay for a converter, I had a scam planned.

The scam involved some schmuck at Best Buy not giving a shit. Hopefully this person would be working the cash register. The odds of finding this is 100%. Nobody at Best Buy seems to give a shit about anything other than "when is pay day" and "when is my shift over".

Then I grab ONE converter. Now one coupon would not pay for the thing, but TWO would. The kicker is you are not supposed to be able to use two coupons for one converter. But how would the employee know? And why would they care? They get paid the same thing at the end of the day regardless.

I walk up with one converter, and use BOTH coupons. Then I walk out of Best Buy (or wherever) with a free digital TV converter.

But what if I am not allowed to use two coupons for one converter? No problem! I buy two converters. I figure that I would need to shell out $15 each for a converter. Then the next day I return one! I have the refund credited to the credit card. If the thing cost $55 then if I get that $55 back I have got a FREE converter, and the government gave me a FREE $20. Which I can buy a three or so gallons of gas with.

Or if that fails, find some slob without any converter and sell them one of mine for $30. This is less than the $55 they would have to spend.

But all my plans are foiled. Because someone shoved the coupons up their ass.

And now for the LONG OVERDUE slam on American Movie Classics.

What is AMC? It is a channel you get as part of DirecTV service. As you can guess, they show "classic" American movies.

So what would YOU expect to find there? If you said "classic movies" you are.....WRONG! Unless you consider "The Omen III" to be a "classic". COME ON! The Omen III? Are you serious? That is a "classic"???

No you assholes. It is a cheese ball SEQUEL. I would not even consider "The Omen" to be a "classic", let alone part 3.

And here is a list of other movies on that channel in the next few days that are NOT classics - according to me.

1. Jurassic Park. While it is not a terrible dinosaur flick, it is hardly a classic.

2. The Karate Kid. PLEASE! Wax on wax the fuck off. Off my TV screen. Get out of here before I crane kick you in the ass.

3. Dracula 2000. I would consider the FIRST dracula movie to be a classic, but not the 2000th dracula movie. Classic? NO!

4. Halloween. This MAY count as a classic. But not really. I do not think it was the first "crazy demented killer stalks a bunch of young people who are conveniently located in the woods or one house" movie. If it was the FIRST movie of this genre then fine - it is a classic. If not it is a copy cat.

5. Death Wish. Was this the FIRST "regular guy turns into a bad ass after thugs attack his family"? Probably not.

6. Death Wish II. OK while I MIGHT let Death Wish slide, Death Wish II is just a sequel.

7. Death Wish 3. This is a "classic"??? Really???

8. Death Wish 4. Are you people on CRACK?!?!?!?!

9 Death Wish V. Yes, they made 5 of them. 4 was not enough. And all 5 are apparently "classics".
10. Missing In Action. Hey can't leave out the typical 80s "one American bad ass invades a hostile Country and single handedly kicks EVERYONE'S ass" movie! Chuck Norris may get mad.

11. Missing In Action 2. HUH??? A classic?

12. Missing In Action 3. What is Chuck Norris PAYING YOU to declare the MIA trilogy a "classic"???

Classics huh? You Death Wish they were classics. Where the hell is "Iron Eagle" and "Iron Eagle 2 - 200"?? If Death Wish V is a classic, surely Iron Eagle is a classic. And how about "Killer Clowns From Outer Space"?? That has to be a classic! The first ever "space clowns that kill people" movie is not a classic? But the space ship is a circus tent!!

The world is insane. I am the last sane person left. Problem is that all the crazy people think THEY are normal and I am the insane one. And when I try to point out that I am the only sane person left, the crazies just say that the fact I think I am the only sane person left proves I am in fact nuts, for only a crazy person would say that.

But I am not the one who thinks Death Wish V is a classic movie. Go figure.

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5 Comments:

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

Stick to option 3 if you find your missing coupons because the first two won't work. The computer only allows one coupon per item to be entered when scanned. The computer also keeps track of the coupon so if returned, you would only get your $15 back and not the full price of the digital box. Computers are way smarter and more diligent than Best Buy employees these days. However plan 3 would work and I would go with Ebay.

09:52  
Blogger Bee Repartee said...

The only place I've found them at a decent price is Walmart. $49. I ordered two coupons at the same time when they first started this noise about digital TV. I only got one in the mail???

I think it's a scam to get people to buy cable. Who's to say the cable people weren't pushing the digital agenda?

We need to upgrade our TV anyway..a TV with a built in digital converter.

12:08  
Blogger Cheesemeister said...

If I was working the register at Best Buy I wouldn't give a shit.
Being certifiably crazy including fluctuating levels of paranoia, I'm hoping I haven't offended you. I haven't seen you around at my boring stupid blog in a long time.

12:50  
Blogger cathouse teri said...

I think Jurassic Park is a classic. In fact, anything directed by Spielberg is, in my opinion. And anything that stars Charles Bronson.

I thought only old people wanted those digital converters. Why is it you want one? I mean if you have cable and/or satellite? You just like having stuff?

13:09  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - I figured there was some anti-scam device built into the coupons. God forbid a little person getting a few bucks out of a program! Why that is COMMUNISM!!! Much better to dole out millions to people already rich, and do away with the "death tax" so that the children of the mega rich can inherit it all tax free. What bullshit!

Bee - Yea. I could get a digital TV. But why? My $88 TV I bought in December 2005 works fine. Why spend more on something I do not really need?

CM - I have been around. Lurking. Ill prove it somehow.

Teri - I have satellite TV. I pulled a scam and get it for $5 a month. See if you know someone who has satellite TV you can get them to activate a second receiver and they pay only $5 a month for it. I think the mechanics of the scam are clear now. I want the digital converter for the hurricane kit. Cable and satellite TV tends to not work so well in a hurricane.

15:30  

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