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Thursday, May 22, 2008

Primary Madness - Zombie Spuds

It has been a while since I posted about boring political bedtime stories. Posting about Fred and his worms and the litter box is frankly more interesting.

So I have been mum about the whole thing. In the depth of my delusions, I figure everyone reads this blog and I did not want to influence the election.

Now how is THAT for delusional? To think that the scribblings I post anonymously on the internet could influence anything.

It all boils down to math. Which is good, because math tends to be objective.

Now everyone, even Spuds MacKenzie, agrees that for the Democratic primary a candidate needs to secure 2,026 delegates. This is the number that has been reported as the magic number by ALL media outlets since before the first state voted, starting all this madness. Got it? 2,026. Not 2,025. Not 2,027. The magic number is 2,026.

OK pretty simple. I think everyone can follow the bouncing ball here. Even Spuds, who by now has to be dead. Unless he is some sort of ZOMBIE PARTY DOG, roaming about the back rooms of the Budweiser offices looking for brains to eat. Dogs just do not live that long.

The magic number was arrived on based on more math. The way I think it was calculated was by taking all the delegates - super and not super, adding them together, then dividing by two. Then adding one. Got it? You need HALF plus ONE of the delegates to win.

When the magic number was calculated, Florida and Michigan were not included because both states decided to move the dates of their primaries before Super Tuesday. I think.

But still - that was the magic number. 2,026.

Except now one person is claiming that the magic number is actually 2,226. Or something like that. Anyway, one person is claiming that there are actually about 200 MORE delegates than everyone else is reporting. And one person, who happens to be in second place, is claiming to be the front runner. With more delegates and more popular vote.

And before I hear crap about the photo to the right and the switch to talking about the other person - chill out. Relax. I just posted a picture of what Spuds MacKenzie would look like if the dog were still alive today. ZOMBIE SPUDS! Hungry for dog brains. Thats right - a ZOMBIE SPUDS joke! Thats all.

So how can this be?

It can't. The second place person only has more of the popular vote if you include Michigan and do not give the current front runner ANY votes. Which is unrealistic, as there was only one name on the ballot in Michigan. You also have to not count caucuses from other States. I have no idea what you have to do with Florida. I think the proposal is to count Florida as it was.

Got it? For the second place candidate to be ahead in popular votes, you have to NOT count some votes, award all the votes in one state to one person, and then make up a policy to account for Florida.

Hardly objective.

And then there are the delegates. The second place candidate claims that the magic number is not 2,027 but is actually about 200 votes higher. And to "win" that again number 2 has to do some creative math. Like claim all of Michigan. And there was only one person was on the ballot, so even if something like 40% voted uncommitted who cares! The way the math would work is to count the delegates for the one person on the ballot, and ignore the uncommitted votes. And even then number 2 would not be able to clench the new magic number. But if you tinker with the numbers enough, and pretend that Puerto Rico matters (it does not) then maybe the current second place claimed front runner would be able to wrangle the super delegates in line and "win".
And thats right - I said Puerto Rico does not matter. Face it - nobody really cares about Puerto Rico except Puerto Ricans. That is one strange place. It is a commonwealth of the USA, so people there get a US Passport. Flights to and from San Juan are considered "domestic". I can go to Puerto Rico and return to the US mainland without needing a passport. I would not need to go through US Customs either.

But Puerto Rico is not a State. The de facto language is Spanish. Sure English is spoken too, but the primary language is Spanish. The Puerto Rican flag is treated more like a national ensign than a State flag. People there do not pay federal income tax.

And they DO NOT vote in national elections. Puerto Rico has one representative in Congress - but that person has very limited voting rights.

So Puerto Rico does not count. Sure they have delegates. And the second place candidate thinks that the campaign can collect some of those delegates. Maybe even the majority of them. There are 60 some odd delegates there. And then after that there is only one State. A non populated state with a low number of delegates.

OK now are you following the bouncing ball? IF you only count some votes in Michigan (mostly the votes for the second place candidate and give ZERO to the front runner), pretend that Puerto Rico matters, do something with Florida, and not count some popular votes in caucus States, then - AND ONLY THEN - does the front runner change.

Math would suggest that it is time for the second place candidate to drop out. Do not expect this to happen however.

Notice that how using a great deal of skill I did not use any names OR allude as to the gender of anyone. So nobody knows who I am talking about :)

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4 Comments:

Blogger Dusty said...

Hey Lazy!!!

Sorry I haven't been around dude. Don't take it personally, as I haven't visited anyones blog in ages.

Hillary's new math is hilarious to me. I really think that crazy bitch would rather McCain win than Obama if she can't get the nomination.

Wotta bag of batshit eh?

17:30  
Blogger Fred said...

I agree with Dusty. She's talking of taking the fight all the way to the convention. Should be interesting...

19:42  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Dusty - Thats the thing. There is no such thing as "new" math. Not since Sir Isaac Newton invented calculus anyway.

Fred - I do not think she will take it all the way. She can't. The math is just not going to add up for her. It is time for the super delegates to stand up and tell her to sit down. Its over.

22:35  
Blogger Cheesemeister said...

That second dog is the guard dog at the Netherworld Hotel. He SAID his name was Sam, but we didn't actually check his license too closely. We were afraid he might lick us or something.

12:52  

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