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Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Still Here

I am back!

I did not actually go anywhere. I just neglected to post anything. This is due to a variety of things.

1. The summer "blahs". It is getting sort of warm here. The warmth zaps your strength and motivation.

2. Nothing worth writing about.

3. Laziness.

I suppose you could combine reasons 1 and 3 if you want. I will not because I am far too lazy for that.

But do not think nothing exciting is happening! Oh no. It was a banner past few days. First I noticed that something sounded wrong with the vehicle. So I did some investigating and discovered that there is no sound coming from the front passenger door speakers. Well there is a little sound, but not like it should be.

So I get all upset and shit because I figure my amp is dead. Which would suck. I like my amp. So I go to the place that installed all my shit and they determine that the crossover is shot.

And of course - they do not sell just a crossover. They sell component speaker sets that include crossovers.

See I have a 6 speaker system. The front speakers are mid range speakers with tweeters. The rear speakers are full range. The crossovers split the signal so the highs go to the tweeter and the mids and lows go to the door speakers.

The tweeter on the passenger side is probably shot.

So I have to get a new component speaker set. Great! Just what I wanted to do! and while I am at it I might as well replace the factory radio already. The place has a good deal on a Sony stereo. Then I can get rid of the high/low converters that make the factory stereo compatible with the amp. I can also get rid of the cassette tape adapter thing for my satellite radio. The Sony has a front panel input jack for stuff like that. The CD player in the Sony can also read MP3 files. So what the hell.

But I hate doing shit like this. AGGHHHH! Why the hell did the crossover have to quit? Sure the Sony is on sale. I can have it installed for LESS than what the same unit would cost from an online store. But it is still money. You know, that stuff I could use for something else?

And then Saturday I notice Sake's eye looked pink and puffy. The eye funk Fred had spread to Sake. Just as I was ready to declare Fred all eye funk free and retire the cat eye goop, Sake comes down with the same shit.

Hey - at least I already have the medicine! I just needed more. So call the vet and they say come get more goop. So I did. I pulled a scam and brought the cat in without an appointment. The staff looked at the funky eye and agreed it was the same cat pink eye crap Fred had and gave me more eye stuff.

Sake HATES the cat carrier. Sake HATES to be captured and stuffed in the cat carrier. Sake HATES to ride in a vehicle.

And then to make it worse, Sake HATES getting stuff put into her eye. She growls and squirms and complains and uses her claws and everything. Fred was so much easier.

Here is how the process works. It is time for the eye medicine. So I have to search for the cat, who is ALWAYS hiding somewhere. And if she is not hiding, she never lets you catch her. She figures you are going to trim her claws or something if you try to catch her. So she runs away.

Now if you chase her she really figures out something is amiss. So she runs faster.

10 minutes later, when you finally catch her, she is pissed off. And you have not done anything except catch the cat.

Now you have to hold her on her back (she HATES this) and open up her eye (also hates that) and put the eye goop in.

This is no joke. For her third dose of eye goop today I had to use my fishing landing net to catch the cat. Really. But this method will not work tomorrow because the cat knows what my landing net tactic is. She will adapt and come up with counter measures to render the net useless.

Such are the joys of cat ownership.

Now you may be asking why I put up with this. The cat apparently hates EVERYTHING except when you give her food.

Well you see, she lives here. And sometimes, on rare occasions, she acts like a house cat and will actually allow a human to pet her and not growl. She will hang out near people, but not with them. This is really fine with me, she has long hair and sheds tons of it. Everything I own is covered in cat hair and Sake is the primary reason for that.

In other news, some ASSHOLE keeps leaving bottles across the street by a storm drain. Now this would just be a minor annoyance except that I pull into that area to back the boat into its home. Sunday I used the boat and sure enough as I pull up to back it in after the day there is the sound of a truck tire running over a bottle.

The last two times the boat went out I ran over a bottle in that spot. If I EVER get a flat from this so help me I will put the wireless web cam to use and find out who is leaving bottles there.

Then plot revenge. Find out who they are and where they live. The find a crack head. Give the crack head a buck and the address. Tell the crack head that if they take a massive shit on the bottle leavers front porch Ill pay the crack head $50 cash. In all $5 bills for their convenience. There will be a bonus $20 if the crack head also pisses in the car AC vent intake. If I deem the crack head went above and beyond my requests then Ill make it known that I tip well. Be creative. Maybe smear some shit on the inside of the car door handles? That would be cool.

Ill make a sign the crack head can leave in the pile of shit that says "thanks for leaving your glass bottles by the storm drain! It really adds a touch of class to the street. Next time use a garbage can or else Ill hire an ARMY of crack heads to drop a duce on everything you own".

See how they like it when someone leaves a little present for them! Litter the neighborhood with bottles huh? Put them somewhere where I run them over huh? Think it is funny huh?

Well guess what mystery asshole - I have a FAR SICKER sense of humor than you do. I can devote hours thinking up some really dark twisted "funny" things. You can not compete with me in this area. I will cause you to spend thousands on therapy after you crack because you can not figure out why someone hates you so much.

Anyhow, this is just a sample of what is going on here. It is going to be a long, long, hot summer. At this rate I may just end up going postal. Except for the fact going postal takes far too much effort.

And ammo is too expensive.

But mainly I am just too darn lazy. Plus I am anti violence. Going postal and being anti violence is not exactly compatible. You have to pick one. I pick non-violence.

Notice how I did not say "pacifist". I am not one of those. A pacifist would not contemplate hiring a crack head to take a shit on someone's porch. But a non-violent person would.



Blogger Daisy said...

Will Sake let you scruff her? For the really difficult cats at the shelter, my Mommie has to scruff the cats and they usually relax and go pretty limp (at least for a few moments). Then the trick is to open the eye and put the ointment in with the other hand.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Hiring a crack head is a good idea. But it's cheaper to just fill a paper bag with dog or cat poop and set it on fire, ring the door bell and run somewhere safe to watch the action.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can just imagine you chasing this poor cat around the house with a net while all the other cats are standing there looking at you all weird like. That some funny shit.

BTW, did you hear on the news some time within the past couple of days about a guy who tented his house (lives on Sunset on the access road across the street from Knowles) and had set up a streaming webcam in his house to keep an eye on things and caught people robbing him? You should set up the same thing to catch the inconsiderate guys/gals with the littering habit.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Daisy - I have to scruff Sake. Otherwise I can not catch her. I have to corner her and grab her by the scruff, or else grab the "cat handle" (also known as a tail) when she tries to run past me. There is seldom a dull moment here.

CM - The best thing about crack heads is they will do almost anything and they work for free. Plus they can not go to the cops. They are crack heads. And even if they get busted and say "this guy gave me $50 to shit on this porch" the cops will not believe them.

Uncensored - That is actually somewhat common. NOTHING says "nobody is at home" like a termite tent.


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