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Tuesday, June 03, 2008

How Rocks Are Made.

THINGS I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW:

I sometimes like to watch that show "how its made". Cause I like to know how things are made. So I see the show is on, and check the description to find out what is being made on it.

Granite. I shit you not. Granite. GRANITE!?!?!? How do they make a rock??!?! They don't. They FIND the granite. Already made. By the planet. It is a rock! You do not make a rock. They are already here.

Hey - I wonder how they make sea water? Maybe I should write the show?

HOW DID CAPTAIN HOOK DIE??????
From jock itch.

How did the cowboy get shit on his mustache????
Looking for love in all the wrong places.

If you do not get this one, I got a You Tube video that will clue you in.



Yea I know. Terrible music. But compared to other 80s Country music songs, was it really that bad?

So I searched You Tube for "worst 80s song". And this came up. And what came up?? BLOTTO!!!! As featured in my Iguana Music.



Come on. Blotto was great. You what to know what a terrible 80s music video was?? Do you really?? OK.



Quick! What is this?


This is the newest addition to the equipment I keep on the boat. I saw it and just could not pass it over. It is a shark! Clearly a shark. With a stainless steel tail and eyes. And it opens bottles! On the bottom of the shark is a bottle opening thing. Stainless steel. So it will, in theory, not have rust problems. The current bottle opener is not really made with boats and saltwater in mind. I will remove it and replace it with the shark.

Anyhow that is my cool new shark bottle opener. I like it. It makes me happy. I will enjoy it. When on the boat. All other times I will not enjoy it so much because it will be on the boat.

One more thing. You know about that uncontacted tribe in the jungle that was recently discovered? Of course you do. Everyone knows. Except the uncontacted tribe. They do not know. Nobody has contacted them to tell them they are on TV.

How bad does that suck? You make INTERNATIONAL news. Celebrity status. You can get into all the hot clubs without having to buy a $500 bottle of vodka. You can have sex with Paris Hilton and sell the tape and make more money. And then write a tell all book about how you contracted gonorrhea or something. Make more money.

But there is only one problem. You live in the middle of the jungle, and nobody has contacted you to tell you all this. You get your 15 minutes of fame and do not even realize it.

So anyway - I was watching CNN. Rick Sanchez is on talking about some shit. And then he needs filler time. He gets through all the bullshit and needs some more bullshit to talk about for a minute or two.

So he has the photo of the tribe on the screen, and is circling a hut saying "this is where everyone in the village gathers to cook play Twister" and "the red paint on these two men are a sign of aggression" and "this hut is a house for a family".

WOAH THERE RICK!!!!! How are you such an expert? The tribe is UNCONTACTED! Remember? Uncontacted. As in no contact. So how the fuck do you know which hut is used for what?

Also I would think that shooting arrows at you is more of a sign of hostility than red body paint. Good thing the tribe is not in the USA. Homeland Security would probably have a problem with shooting arrows at aircraft.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Dusty said...

Wow, your all over the place with this post m'dear Lazy...but its a good post. :)

I do like your little shark bottle opener...very apropos.

That stupid show didn't tell you how the earth made the granite? Its fucking worthless then dude. ;p

04:13  
Anonymous Lav said...

I love your sense of humor! I wonder why? The jock itch joke is awful. I just love it!!!

07:15  
Blogger Bee Repartee said...

I like your general BS. It made me laugh my ass off. When you write them about sea water, you should include clouds as well. I admittedly like that show, but granite?

Chaka Khan is a BAD 80s video. I wonder what would be considered the worst.

Did you know I am finally going to school in the fall. Finally, and I feel very old.

15:37  
Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Dusty - I do not know. I did not watch it. I suspect they just started with the mining of the rock then moved onto the cutting and polishing of the blocks. But I also like "hot rocks" which is a Science Channel show about geology. That show is all about the rocks. Very cool.

Lav - I have a lot more bad jokes. Keep tuning in!

Bee - do not worry about it. You will do fine. The other students will look up to you believe it or not. You will be the guru of the class - been there done that. l

01:58  

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