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Thursday, September 11, 2008

Cult of The Iguana

I just noticed something. I have followers! Two of them.

So since I have followers, I got a brilliant idea. Become a cult leader! I always wanted to be one of them. I get to say stuff, and even if it is total bullshit others will listen. Hang on every word.

And most importantly, give me money. There is no point in being a cult leader if nobody gives you money.

I hope my followers are all very rich and even more gullible. But something tells me I am shit out of luck on both counts.

I need a follower like Tom Cruise. Rich, and ripe for the cult picking. I just have to pry him away from that other cult he is a part of.

And now - a video of a man with WAY TOO MUCH time on his hands.

A scuba diving cat? I am so sure the cat just loves that shit. If that cat were not so fat it would spin around and bite the living shit out of that guy.

Fred would. Fred will bite you if you do so much as try to pet him on the belly. He hates that. He may resemble the Buddha, but there is no rubbing his fatness for good luck. And he has been on a diet so he does not resemble the Buddha so much anymore.

I can not even imagine what wrath he would unleash upon the fool who carried him into a swimming pool.

I do not need such fools in my cult. They would spend all their money on stupid shit, like scuba equipment for their cats. Leaving less money to give unto me. For the cult leader requires much money so that I can obtain the twin engine boat of prophecy, enabling the golden age of some shit I have yet to make up to be ushered in.

I am a lazy cult leader. There will be many more golden ages of some shit I have not made up yet. Because that is how it is.

Only lots of money will enable all the secrets to be fully revealed. But this is where the twin engine boat of prophecy comes into play.

I can only make shit up while at sea. And the current boat does not have a place for a desk, so it is hard to write stuff. Therefore I need another boat. With a cabin. And a table upon which I may write. And AC so that I may be comfortable while I make crap up. And a fridge so that the beer shall remain cold, without needing coolers full of ice. I shall call beer "prophecy juice" and it shall be revered by all. But mostly me.

Rum shall be known as "super concentrated prophecy juice". The super concentrated prophecy juice needs to be treated carefully. Too little of the stuff and there shall be no good prophecies. Too much and I fall down and sleep for a few hours. So you need to have just the right amount.

But the galley shall also require an ice maker. And there should also be a fresh water tank of a decent size, and a marine water maker. And a water heater.

This cult leader does not believe in cold showers. Unless it is very hot. But with AC it will not be very hot.

And of course, a flushing toilet.

I figure I can get all these things once I am in the 45+ foot range.

So yea....I need a lot more followers. Or one really rich follower.



Blogger Lily Strange said...

Sorry to break this to you, but I'm one of your followers, and you know how broke my ass is!
Now if only all those people that follow the link from your blog to my site would buy my book, we might start getting someplace!
And as long as you don't break out the kool aid, I will remain one of the faithful.

Blogger Daisy said...

I have to leave right away before my Mommie gets any ideas about scuba diving suits for cats...

Blogger TLP said...

You've got groupies!!????
Way to go.

If you have the stomach for it, find a rich old lady. Isn't Florida full of them?

Blogger Fuzz said...

You'll probably need a better gimmick than just "Give me money". It's been already used a bunch.

Blogger who wouda thunk it?? said...

yep, I'm a regular here. I gotta say though, sounds like this plan is so complex and thought out , that it seems to have come less from prophecy juice and more from the mystic cult leader peace pipe! hahaha. Have a good weekend, now go outside and play and quit somkin that "prophecy herb"
( not serious, just kidding, very funny post!)


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