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Thursday, September 18, 2008

International Talk Like A Pirate Day

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day. Many people worldwide (it is INTERNATIONAL Talk Like A Pirate Day) are trying to raise awareness of this holiday. You can help out by - and you will never guess this - talking like a pirate. All day.

You see.....

Most days are like all of the others,
Go to work, come back home, watch TV.
But brother, if I had me druthers,
I'd chuck it and head out to sea!

For I dream of the skull and the crossbones.
I dream of the great day to come,
When I dump the mundane for the old Spanish Main
And trade me computer for rum!! ARRRR!

Yes, it is Talk Like A Pirate Day. When laptops are benches God gave us for wenches and sale ain't a low price to pay. Where timbers are shivered and lilies are livered and every last buckle is swashed. Trade in your car for a ship full of ARRRRRRs and then pound the grog till your sloshed.

Really. This is a serious holiday. There is even a THEME SONG for the holiday. So you know it is true. And that is not all! OH NO! Not even close. There is a Wikipedia entry as well.

And of course, an official web site.

So how did this day begin? Good question. The bilge rat known as Capt'n Slappy invented it as the result of a sports injury.

According to Capt'n Slappy, the day is the only holiday to come into being as a result of a sports injury. He has stated that during a racquetball game between Capt'n Slappy and Chumbucket, one of them reacted to the pain with an outburst of "Aaarrr!", and the idea was born. That game took place on June 6, 1995, but out of respect for the observance of D-Day, they chose Capt'n Slappy's ex-wife's birthday, as it would be easy for him to remember.

So remember, September 19th is Talk Like A Pirate Day. Warn your co-workers. Warn your friends and family. Warn everyone you know.

Or don't. I am not going to warn anyone. I am just going to talk like a pirate. Let everyone think I am on drugs. I can pass a piss test. I have been studying for that test for some time now. Ill ace the shit.

Just think of it, you can say things like "avast!" and "arrrrr" and "drop anchor" and "scurvy" and "bilge rat" and even "prepare to be boarded" and "surrender the booty".

So how does this work? Lets say you have to go to the supply closet at your place of employment for more desk supplies. Instead of saying "I need another pack of pens" you can say "ARRRG! Prepare to be boarded!" and then bust into the supply area. Then you say "surrender the booty!" and take what you want. It does not matter if you need it or not, just take it.

Trust me - nobody will bother you. They may look at you in a strange way, but they will not bother you. They will get the hell out of your way and possibly call security.

At which point you pull out your cutlass that you made out of cardboard earlier (when you were supposed to be working on that big project), and make the bilge rats walk the plank. Or at least get out of your cubicle.

Then look for another job. Because chances are you will be the only one taking the holiday seriously.

But just imagine how fun work would be on September 19tyh if this holiday were known by all. Holy shit that would be a fun day. Not much actual work would get done - but the office water cooler would be full of rum. And you would still get paid. You could call all the chicks in the office "wenches" and not have to worry about another sexual harassment seminar. You could get drunk and not get fired.

Seriously, give me ONE Talk Like A Pirate Day and Ill give you TWO "paid legal holidays". Really. Ill call that a bargain. The best I ever had.

Are you getting all my classic rock references? I make a lot of them you know. Just ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall.

But I do not know any good pirate phrases! What should I do?

You have a full day to prepare for this. Be creative. But if you need a starting point, here is Capt'n Slappy himself.

Get in touch with your inner pirate.

Spay and/or neuter your pet.

And finally, if you are going to be drinkin the grog, be sure to sail with a designated helmsman.



Blogger Lily Strange said...

Arrrr, matey! Although I be a lubber, this is my kind of holiday!

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Clever; pirates, cubicles and coworkers, interesting story.
The battle is rough.


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