Man VS Nature Part 2 - Revenge Of The Three-Toe Sloth
As many of you who read this (insert adjective here - I think dribble fits best) know - the animals are on a rampage. I have documented house cats that stalk people and attack them without mercy, dogs that destroy rare teddy bears, house cats that steal objects, and rabbits that attack presidents.
So now I know you are thinking - "what the hell is next??!?! Gangs of monkeys taking over commuter trains?!?!?!".
Relax. This could never happen. Monkeys on a train?! Never. Everyone knows that monkeys use vines in trees to get from place to place.
Except in India that is. India's Delhi Metro has hired a monkey to scare other monkeys off trains. It seems a gang of monkeys DID get on board a train, and scare passengers by displays of aggression for THREE STOPS! To prevent this from happening again, the company hired a "langurwallah". Langurwallahs are dudes who train langur monkeys to do stuff. Like dance to organ music and stuff. But it seems that the train taking over monkeys are scared of langurs.
So kind of like a monkey Batman, the langurwallah hangs out, scanning the skies over New Delhi, looking for the monkey signal. Then he leaps into action, rushing to the rescue of people on trains.
But lets say you live in Nevada. And you own a sweet vintage convertible Buick. You know your ride is safe from monkeys, but how about a bear? I mean, why on Earth would a BEAR want anything to do with a Buick? A Corvette I can understand - but a Buick? Of all the cars?! At least go for a vintage Camaro or even a Mustang!
However, bears are dumb. So in July of THIS YEAR a bear cub did invade a vintage Buick, and helped himself to some BBQ chicken and jalapeno pizza AND beer. The car owner left these items in the convertible because he is a jackass. Who leaves pizza and beer IN the car?!?! You are supposed to remove these things and eat and/or drink them! Otherwise, bears break in your car and help themselves.
Now I know what you are thinking! If a stinking bear invaded MY 1964 Buick Skylark I would cut his balls off!
BAD IDEA! VERY BAD IDEA! Meet Boo. Boo was taken in by a wildlife refuge as a cub after his mother was illegally shot by a poacher. Everything was fine for Boo.
That is everything was fine till he dug his way to freedom in order to get jiggy with a female bear.
Being raised by humans in a refuge, Boo's caretakers were concerned that he would not know how to live in the bear world, and that not being afraid of humans he might pose a public safety problem. So they re-captured him, no doubt using a 64 Buick and pizza as bait.
Once back in his refuge home, they put him in a maximum security bear pen. There was the 400 pound solid steel door. The high voltage electric fence. The concrete barriers buried several feet underground. No way Boo was going to get out again!
But then it was announced to Boo that he was to have his balls cut off, so he would never want to be with Cindy Bear again.
Boo then SMASHED his way through the steel door, breaking all the bolts that held it shut, BLITZED his way through TWO electric fences, and CLAWED over several other barriers in another bid for freedom, and hot steamy bear sex.
So what did we learn today?
1. Avoid trains in New Delhi India, unless the Batman of monkeys is nearby.
2. Do not leave pizza and beer in your 64 Buick Convertible.
3. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to neuter a grizzly bear.
posted by The Lazy Iguana @ 17:32
5 Comments:
Whoa Dude!... I get what ya trying to say. Them critters you are writing about are like a fifth column. Ya know like causing proplems distracting and weighing down the cops and other security guys while Al Quada (or how the hell they spell it) hits us when we are not expecting. Yeah dude...like it says at the top of your blog... "If you don't comment, you are letting the terroists win". Thoughtful heavy stuff man... Hope them folks in Washington DC are up on it, or at least those CIA guys are reading your blog.
Amos
Mr. Iguana, thanks for your adivce. I swear I will never, ever leave pizza and a 6 pack of beers in the back seat of my Cabrio, and neutering a bear for wanting to do what nature intended is just cruel. I hope he got busy with Cindy Bear at least once.
BTW, I think it's horrible that his brother died while at the refuge. He was probably better of on his own.
Boo is going to get his chance to be a wild bear. The latest news is that the refuge people have decided to just outfit him with a GPS collar. This way they can track him for:
A. Scientific study purposes.
B. Public safety reasons. If Boo hangs out in or near places populated by humans, he will have to be recaptured. If he stays in Jellystone then all is good.
Or as they say on SW 8th Street, Todos Buenos y Castro es muerto!
aahhh Mr. Iguana, if only that were true. It's been 7 days and 14 hours since I found out he had relinquished his position "temorarily" and we're still waiting for the death announcement.
It does not matter. Some other despot will take power. There is no history of democracy as we know it in the USA in Cuba.
Batista was a dictator also.
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