Crime Waves

You have probably heard some jackass on television saying that violent shows and / or video games are causing the increase in crime that seems to be going on. But I have identified a NEW kind of crime wave going on - one that can not be blamed on violent TV shows!

We all remember Lewis The Cat. Lewis's claim to fame is that he attacks people. Most notably (and the funniest) is his attack on the Avon Lady. According to court documents, Lewis chased the Avon Lady down the sidewalk and attacked her. She refused to ever go back to Lewis's block.

BAD KITTY! NO CAT TREATS FOR YOU!

But Lewis is not alone! Oh no! There seems to be some kind of animal crime wave going on! Meet Willy The Cat. Willy likes to steal garden gloves. Here is a photo of him with his loot.

Everyone that lives around Willy know where to look if one of their garden gloves vanishes. Sometimes, he returns to the crime scene TWICE and steals both gloves, sometimes he only takes one. He seems to like new gloves, but he will snatch older ones too. The sign behind him says "Our (drawing of a cat) is a (drawing of a glove) snatcher. Please take if yours". Unlike Lewis, Willy is not a violent criminal. He does not attack people. He is just a kleptomaniac. Neighbors actually LIKE Willy, even if he is a klepto. He walks with the mail carrier, up to other houses and everything. He is nice to the neighbors so they pet him.

But the "nice kitty" thing is his cover. What he is actually doing while pretending to keep the mail carrier company is casing out homes. Looking for garden gloves.

BAD KITTY! Stealing is wrong! BAD WILLY!

But this crime wave is NOT limited to the USA! And it is not limited to cats! This one is from the United Kingdom. Barney The Dog went bezerk in a museum, damaging some rare teddy bears. One bear that got its head ripped off was valued at $75,000 and once owned by Elvis Presley. The entire collection was worth $900,000, it is unclear how much damage was done, but the BBC reported a total of 60,000 UK Pounds (well over $100,000) of damage, and at least 100 bears chewed. This is a photo of the crime scene.

General manager Daniel Medley told the BBC: "About 100 bears were caught up in this frenzied attack, some were merely little chews, whereas some of them had some quite devastating injuries.

"Heads pulled off, arms, legs here and there, it was a total carnage really. I've never seen such a mess, there was stuffing, fluff and bear bits everywhere."

BAD BARNEY THE GUARD DOG! You are supposed to keep the rare teddy bears SAFE, not rip off heads, arms, legs, and remove stuffing! BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG! But the "stuffing, fluff and bear bits everywhere" quote IS funny. This is Barney the guard dog. The guy pictured is the security guard who discovered the scene. He had to run around after the dog, and wrestle a bear head out of the dog's mouth.

Now I have done a lot of research to trace the start of this crime wave. At first I suspected the 1980s. It all fit in place. Cable television (and all that non-FCC regulated violence). Video games galore. Cocaine and crack EVERYWHERE. And so forth. It HAD TO BE the 1980s!

But I was wrong. This crazy crime wave started in the late 1970s.

The exact date is April 20, 1979. On this day. President Jimmy Carter was ATTACKED by a killer swamp rabbit. Really. This happened. Here is a close up photo of the rabbit that tried to attack the President of the USA. Osama Bin Bunny himself!

Here is the whole photograph, which is not very good because it is a video grab. And it since it was 1979, the White House photographer was probably smoking a fat one and listening to Bob Marley music. It is really amazing he remembered to remove the lens cap, or did not get any Cheetos cheese powder smudged on the lens.

Here you see President Carter holding the paddle he used to defend himself from a VERY ANGRY rabbit who (according to research I dug up) was "hissing and snarling" and swimming right at the boat. This is supposedly what Carter told to his staffers about the incident.

Notice how the Secret Service was nowhere in the photo. What was up with that? Maybe they were busy looking for.....well you know.....people? Maybe people with guns? You know, something more threatening than a rabbit. OR hanging out with the White House photographer and the Bob Marley music? Who would think that a little harmless bunny could be such a problem anyway! They probably thought the bunny just wanted to address the President over the problem of wetlands preservation.

BAD RABBIT! Trying to sink a boat that the President of the USA is in is NOT ACCEPTIBLE! BAD BAD BUNNY! You are NOT invited to any Habitat For Humanity project!

I think that they SHOULD HAVE watched Monty Python and The Quest For The Holy Grail. Anyone who has seen that KNOWS how terrible a bunny rabbit can be! Carter was lucky that the rabbit was only slightly annoyed.

But whatever the story behind the rabbit was (I suspect the KGB, the Russian Sub was probably just out of the frame), this was the start of the animal crime wave. So WATCH OUT! That innocent looking neighbor cat may be plotting how to car jack you, or mug you for that gold chain.

I will keep everyone who reads this updated when my vast network of spies and informants send me more reports from this animal crime wave.