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Thursday, December 07, 2006

Why Airports Should Ban All Foods That Contain Beans.

It seems that an American Airlines flight to Texas had to divert because someone lit a match to cover up a fart smell.

In the air, nobody knew who lit the match, or why. But the people could smell the sulfur from the match head. So, the pilot landed early. The people and stuff on board was re-screened by security. The FBI questioned the lady who admitted to striking the match.

She said she did it to cover up a "body odor". Striking a match DOES seem to cancel out a nasty fart. On the ground, not such a bad idea. On an airplane, very bad idea.

After TSA did its thing, the plane was allowed to continue to Texas. With one less passenger. The FBI did not charge the woman with anything, but did not allow her back on the plane either. According to the FBI, the woman appeared to have some kind of "mental condition". I hear a cuckoo-cuckoo clock going off?

This is why airports should ban all bean food items. What happens when you eat beans? You fart! Everyone knows this. Need proof? Google "musical fruit". You can click the last link and it should take you to the google results page for musical fruit. Even this link from use the term "musical fruit". And of course, you may know the song about the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot.

NOTE - beans are actually fruits. A lot of people think they are vegetables. Anything that has seeds is a "fruit", and anything without seeds is a vegetable. So a carrot is clearly a vegetable, while a watermelon is a fruit. Beans are seeds, and therefore fruits. But even if beans WERE vegetables, they would still be the musical fruit. The reason is that "vegetable" does not rhyme with "toot", and therefore the song would not hold the same humor value. On another side note, tomatoes ARE fruits, but they are considered "vegetables" in the USA. You may not know this, but the US Supreme Court decided this, in case called "Nix VS. Hedden". And you thought all they did was select presidents!

And then there is the physics! Commercial planes maintain a cabin pressure equal to 8,000 feet or less. So at sea level, before the plane takes off the pressure in the cabin DROPS. Here is where the "ideal gas law" comes into play. PV=nRT. What this means is that the volume of a gas depends on its pressure and temperature. Lower the temperature but hold pressure and moles constant and the volume of the gas will drop. For example, sticking a balloon in the freezer. If you lower the pressure (but keep temperature and moles constant) the volume will increase.

Now lets think about what happens before that plane takes off. You are at sea level. Your guts are also at sea level. Your body temperature is constant. And lastly, your guts contain a fixed number of moles of fart gas (in chemistry, one mole is 6.022×1023. This number refers to atoms, so substances of different densities can be compared. One mole of gold has more mass than one mole of oxygen, but both have the same number of atoms).

You get on the aircraft. The door to the cabin is open, so nothing has changed. You take your seat and start to fiddle with the crappy headphones they sell you. The door closes. The cabin pressure drops to what you would feel at 6,000 feet. Now remember that ideal gas law? Moles (amount of fart gas) is constant. Temperature in your guts is constant. But pressure has dropped! So what happens to the volume that fart gas occupies? Thats right - the volume increases! It will find a way out. And down there, everything is a one way street - and that one way leads to the exit.

So please people - if you are going to do ANY holiday travel that involves aircraft, lay off the beans! And if you feel like you need to fart, sound off BEFORE you get on the plane. Fart at the gate. If you get on the plane holding in any gas, once the pressure drops there is no holding it in!

And if you cause someone to have to strike a match, who should be kicked off the flight?


Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I usually just let it rip and give the person sitting next to me an evil look as if they did it.

This post took me back to my early physics days. Thank you.

Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

I remember reading about charcoal panties a long time ago. It seems that all airlines should stock some for emergencies.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

No amount of active carbon can filter out a nasty, vile, wet, taco and refried beans induced fart.

Unless you want your underpants to be a foot thick.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ed - I use that tactic in an elevator. It only works if there are more than two people in it.

Blogger Fuzz said...

Isn't it dangerous to light a match around fart ?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL, LI. I never thought about the physics of a fart before.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I totaly had no idea that Beans were fruit, Im just WOW amazed.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I thought beans were the seeds...

Anonymous Anonymous said...

A similar thing happened on the galactic transport from the FOGNL homeworld to the Netherworld Interdimensional Receiving Gateway. Eddie and Axe Man were the perpetrators. The whole nauseating tale can be found here:
Sorry, I can never do the HTML link properly within a post. I'm too much of a moron.


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