When In Doubt, Make Something Up

This is going to be a cool Friday. You see, I have to conduct a training class thing. In fact I get to instruct it. Not really a big deal.

Except I have never actually done the stuff I am supposed to train others to do before. Not that this is a big deal. I learned how to deal with these situations however.

1. Don't Panic (I have been watching the Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy BBC TV series)
2. Make something up.
3. Whatever you make up, stick to it.

That is pretty much it. Make something up, and stick to it. And if you don't panic, you will come across like you know what the hell you are talking about. Since nobody else will know any better (otherwise they will not be there), you can pull it all off. Really. You can!

You just have to throw in a few "cover your ass" statements. Things like "This is the theory. When you get out on the water, you will receive further instruction". Or something like that. I will make up something that sounds plausible.

I am making this all sound worse than it is. Really I know the stuff. It is not terribly difficult. It is just the proper way to communicate over the radio. Now this may sound very easy. And it is. But there is a proper way to do it. There are proper pro-words and stuff. And procedures such as "call base every 30 minutes even if nothing is going on - which will be normal". Normal operations means just that - nothing is going on and therefore you have nothing to report. Well you report your location but that is it. And nothing going on is GOOD - because that means nothing horrible has happened. You are just hanging out in the bay, watching chicks in other boats. Some may be topless. But you do not report that stuff.

Anything other than "normal operations" means something is on fire, boats have crashed into something, or something else crazy is going on. So nothing is much better than something in this case. I guess. I have never actually been out in the water to notice things like that. I was just the other guy out there in a boat, running about trying not to hit anything. And looking for boobs. But not looking for problems.

And looking for / at boobs takes talent. You see, sometimes there are chicks on your boat who get upset for some reason if you are looking at boobs on other boats. They get all like "see anything you like" and when you say "yea, over there on that Contender with the twin engines" they get upset. Because I am never on the Contender with the twin engines.

This is why a good pair of sunglasses is so important. That way, nobody can tell what you are looking at. You can be looking at anything. Now you are supposed to be looking at where the boat is going. This is the best idea. But this is also the most boring idea. So you get a good pair of sunglasses that are polarized so there is no glare from the water, and so you can look at things other than where you are actually going. And since nobody can see your eyes, nobody can say "see anything over there you like" and get pissed at your answer - which is always wrong. Say "no, those things are disgusting" and what does that make you? I mean what does that make you besides gay? And of you say "yes" then that means you are a man pig and deserve to get slapped. So it it better to wear the sunglasses and then you can look at whatever you like without having to worry about hearing anything.

And this is how you crash into things. Like this guy did.

And when you see something like that, you have to call someone over the radio and say something. Something other than "nothing going on out here".

This pretty much concludes the training thing I have to do. Well there will be more of course, I am supposed to fill up 2 hours of time. But the chapter is not that long and really not that complicated. I think I can get through it all in an hour. And then comes the best part! The yacht club where the training takes place has a bar. And even if I am not technically a member, someone is. So the bar serves us. A group stays for a few hours every week and we all kick back and order a few pitchers. And food. And kick the bobo. Or shoot the shit. Whichever term you prefer. They both mean the same thing.