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Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The Fruitcake

I have a theory about fruitcakes.

There are only a dozen of them in the whole world, and they were all made hundreds of years ago.

That is the theory. Of course I have reasons for thinking this. I have never seen anyone actually eat one. Yet, they used to arrive in the mail from other people every December. And they ALWAYS looked EXACTLY the same.

Obviously this is what was happening. The same fruitcake was simply circulating around in the family. My mothers sister would mail one to my mom, who would then mail it off to someone else, who would in turn mail it to someone else, and so on. After Christmas - whoever was in possession of the family fruitcake would have to hold onto it until the next holiday season - and then the whole process would begin again.

There was no other reasonable explanation. Really. The thing was not very big but was heavy for its size (the density of fruitcake is greater than the density of lead) and after hundreds of years it did not look like anything I wanted to eat! And nobody dared to open it - for nobody really knows what the thing will smell like. So when you get one, you have to give it to someone else.

I almost got stuck with a mystery fruitcake one. I was working for TSA at the time. Some genius decided that a full staff was needed on Christmas Day because as we all know millions of people fly on this day. Airports are packed. NOBODY wants to be at home, or hanging out with family on this day. No, everyone wants to be in an airport while their luggage is getting lost.

So I was told "you have to show up at 4:30 AM on Christmas Day or else you could be fired". So I was there. And nobody else was there. Seriously, the place was EMPTY. Most flights were canceled, airline ticket counters were mostly empty, and very few people were actually going somewhere. But all the security checkpoints were fully staffed!

So the genius comes to my area at 8 AM and says "hey you can go home if you want, there are too many people here". So I ask "OK, do I still get paid for the full 8 hours?". The answer was "No, you will get 4 hours plus your holiday pay". So I say "No thanks, I will stay. You made me get up at 3:00 so I could be here by 4:30 AM and you made me NOT get drunk last night. So I will stay put".

I should also mention that I was assigned to an area where there were going to be ZERO flights that day. Not one. And I was working baggage, so I had already constructed a throne out of those plastic bins used on the conveyor belt system thing. The throne was quite comfortable, and I was perfectly OK with burning the hours up. I was going to be paid for the full fay (plus my holiday pay) and I was not going to do one single thing ALL DAY. I made myself a really nice chair complete with a foot rest and everything. I even had a side table for my coffee. Darn that was a good day at work.

Anyway I had to use the bathroom at some point. So I get up. And while I am gone someone from another area brought us....A FRUITCAKE! Of course the other people on my crew were being "nice" and accepted the gift.

I get back and say "what the fuck is this"? Someone else says "it is a fruitcake you idiot! Someone from checkpoint D brought it over. They were being nice you ass - you ought to try it sometime".

So I say "OK, then who wants to eat that thing? Huh? You"? Of course nobody wanted to eat it. Everyone else just thought someone else would eat it.

So now my crew was stuck with the fruitcake. So I spring to my feet. I know EXACTLY what must be done.

I had to find another crew to pawn the fruitcake off on. The journey would be long, and fret with many perils. If the genius that called for a full staff to be there to screen the 3 flights that were leaving from a large airport saw me, he would accuse me of "wasting time" and taking an "unauthorized break". But hanging out where the public could not see me on my luggage bin throne complete with a foot rest AND coffee table was fine. So I had to avoid being seen.

So I go to checkpoint E. As it turned out, the person from D had already gone there but they managed to not get stuck with the fruitcake. So I go to E Satellite. That concourse was empty, so there was only a skeleton crew there. They already had stuff there that they were trying to get rid of.

So I go to F. Nobody there wanted it. Then G. Same deal. Nobody would take it.

But at the last concourse - H - they took the cake. I could tell nobody wanted it, but that was not my problem. I was on a mission.

When I got back to my duty station, I noticed that one of my throne bins was removed. As it turns out, while I was gone someone actually showed up with a piece of luggage that needed to be checked. And I missed it! I was not there! And management did not even notice. So I went to another baggage area, took a bin to restore the glory of my throne, and resumed doing nothing.

At 12:30 I was out of that place. I do not know what happened to the fruitcake I pawned off to the crew at H. They probably had to go to the ramp to get rid of it.

Anyway, I got an idea from all this. I get a lot of stupid shit in my email, but I have NEVER got the e-fruitcake. So here it is. You see the picture with this post? Well steal the picture. Then email it to someone. Then they will have to email the picture back to someone else. I want to see if it actually makes it back to me. NOTE - do not just send me the photo. I already have it. The idea is to send it to someone else, so that someone else can send it to someone else, who sends it to someone else, who sends it to someone else, and sooner or later it comes back here.

In theory anyway.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

as eddie murphy once said, i'm "coming to america".

i love fruitcake - could live on it - and it appears there is a bountiful supply on offer.

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I too love fruitcake. I wish more people would send them to me.

Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

woohoo, you got your comment comment up.

I have my playlist already going. I'm hip like that.

I will eat Collins St. Bakery fruitcake. That stuff actually is good, and yes, they have been in business since 1896. Maybe they just made huge batches in 1896 and they are still selling it.

E-fruitcake is hilarious...

Blogger actonbell said...

Iguana music. Ok, you caught me: I'm ADD and only digest what goes down the center of the page. And that's a mighty amusing cat video.

I can't stand fruitcake--the people posting above have got to be kidding. My family plays this funny grab bag game at xmas, and there's always at least one booby prize, and sometimes it's a fruitcake. The person who gets that really should bring it back the next year, just cuz.

You have my sympathy for having to show up at an ungodly hour on xmas day. At least it was easy money...

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Laughing - Really? You claim to like fruitcake - but can you prove it?

Ed - Wow. Two people who claim to eat that stuff. Well I guess someone has to. Better you than me.

Emma - AH HA! So this company has been in business for over 100 years huh? More evidence to support my theory. Feel free to send as many e-fruitcakes as you want.

Actionbell - FINALLY! Someone honest about the fruitcake! Yes, the winner of the fruitcake should keep it till next year. It could become a family heirloom that nobody wants. It would be loads of fun to declare in your will who inherits it. Having to show up so early was not a big deal. I was on that shift anyway, so I was used to it. Back then, sleeping in late meant getting up at 6 AM. Sometimes 7 AM. My point was that if I show up I want my full 8 hours!

Blogger Lily Strange said...

My father is trying to indoctrinate my son into the fruitcake club. No, not THAT fruitcake club, nor even the "nutty as a fruitcake" club, although my personal belief is that if you like fruitcake you are indeed certifiable. My son likes to cook and my father is hoping that my son and my mother will cook up a dandy Xmas fruitcake. I suppose it wouldn't be such an awful thing to humor dear old Dad--he's had a rather miserable three years since the stroke and if it's fruitcake he wants, perhaps it's fruitcake he should have. But my son will probably make faces at the smell of that ghastly candied fruit. That stuff is fit only for ghoulies, ghosties, and things that go bump in the night--and I know several ghosts who wouldn't touch it either!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Lily - if you have been on this planet long enough, you get a free pass for wanting fruitcake. I think it is pretty horrible stuff. But that is just me. And a lot of other people. Who the fuck invented that stuff?

Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha've got me there!


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