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Sunday, March 30, 2008

Baynanza 2008 Registration

Well I done it. I signed up for Baynanza again.

It will be fun. I suppose. I get to transport slaves volunteers out to some island in Biscayne Bay - then watch them pick up trash.

Then maroon them on the island. Cause THAT is how I roll. The ride out is free. But the ride home you have to pay for. Or swim. whichever you think you would rather do. No checks - I only deal in ca$h.

And yes, watch them pick up the trash. Cause Homie don't play that. While the slaves are picking up all the trash, I have important boat captain things to do. Like hang out on the boat to make sure there are no leaks. And make sure the beer is still cold. And make sure the boat tunes are cranking at the proper level. And maintain a radio watch on VHF channel 16. And other things that are not related to actually picking up trash.

See last year I dropped the slaves off by beaching the boat. But the bottom was very rocky and stuff. I did not want to leave the boat there. So after everyone was off loaded, I moved to deeper water and threw the anchor. Then supervised the trash collection from a distance. Then picked everyone up when the trash collection was over.

Depending on where I am sent this year, I may do the same. If there is a god excuse to not actually do anything, Ill take it.

Of course, there is the usual rant. This is a COUNTY sponsored event. And I am volunteering the boat to transport people to some deserted island in the middle of the bay so they can pick up the trash there.

OK - so far so good. Sounds about right to me.

Now does DERM (a County department) talk to Parks and Recreation (another County department) so that DERM even boat operators can launch at a COUNTY OWNED boat ramp for free? Oh hell no. For this would require someone in BOTH DERM and Parks and Recreation to know their ass from a hole in the ground. And this is asking for far too much.

I asked about this last year. And someone from DERM said "oh that would be difficult to do". Oh really. You mean mailing me a piece of paper with an official logo / stamp on it that I could leave on the dashboard of the truck that would tell the parks employees that I was part of Baynanza and therefore able to use the ramp just that one day for no charge? That is hard? Really?

And would it be so hard to also email the Parks and Recreation director about this, so that they could then tell the marina managers, so that everyone is on the same page?

Yes. Apparently this is VERY hard. Way too much work is involved there. You mean I expect someone in DERM to not only write an email (and possibly more than one email) AND create a piece of paper that says "DERM Baynanza 2008 boat captain" AND mail one out to each person who volunteers a boat?

How about this. Hire me and Ill do it. No really, I will take this massive task upon myself. I think I can coordinate it all - if that is all I have to do all year. I know - it will require a full 40 hours a week. Possibly even massive amounts of overtime. But I think I can get it done.

I even have a way to prevent people from scamming the system. NUMBER the parking passes! Yes, number the passes. Maybe get a stamp that automatically moves up one number every time you stamp something with it. When boat captains are registering, ask them what ramp they plan to use.

Now this is where my anti-scam plan gets VERY complicated - so I can understand why no $150,000+ per year department directors could EVER possibly be expected to understand this - let alone a lowly manager or other employee. You may have to pay attention here.

Tally up how many boats plan to launch from each ramp. Then start stamping parking passes. Now mail out the parking passes. Lets say 5 people are going to ramp A and 6 to ramp B. You would stamp 11 passes (6 + 5) and then tell the manager at park A that parking passes numbered 1 - 5 are valid for that park and tell the manager for park B that passes 6 - 11 are valid for that park. And so on.

Now if you know that passes 1 - 5 are valid for your park and you see pass number 18 there, you either have a retard or a possible scam going down.

Really hard there huh?

Also - I want MY volunteer long sleeve t-shirt to say "Coxswain". Not Captain. Everyone thinks they are a captain - when in fact they are just drunk.



Blogger Fuzz said...

Paying to volunteer shows real dedication.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Well, in a way you always pay. You have to get there after all. And time is money. I could be doing something else. Not that the "something else" would mean working for actual money - but you get the idea. It COULD be.

The gas for the boat is not a big deal. I would not use very much. The cleanup locations are close to the ramps.

I just think that the County ought to waive boat ramp fees for people taking part in this COUNTY event. But department A does not want to talk to department B - even if both of them are under the same roof.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

when you were supervising the trash collection from a distance were you by any chance sipping on a cold beer?

Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

Why is there trash on a deserted island?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Doozie - I call it "supervisor juice".

Scarlet - The trash floats in on the incoming tide. Plus people use the uninhabited and undeveloped islands as a party spot. And then there is the garbage that blows out of the city, lands in the bay, then floats wherever it floats. So once a year people pretend they give a shit and go out to clean the places up. I am out there all the time and actually DO give a REAL shit. Sometimes two. But I do not have a toilet on the boat, so that is my excuse.

Anonymous krok28 said...

The Lazy,

You are a Honkie Pimp. It's ashame the waterways are so polluted. That's why desal plants don't work so well.

Do you ever have black volunteers?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Krok - probably. On the main Baynanza day there are thousands of volunteers. The County claims tens of thousands of volunteers. Most of the action is on the shore. And then there are the other events that take place all month.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

from your position at anchor, could you throw the empty cans of supervisor juice to shore??.

Blogger Saur♥Kraut said...

You know what? I think you need to become a tour guide, make money from ferrying people around daily, and answer to no one. ;o)

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Ponder - Supervisor Juice only comes in bottles with caps that do not twist off. But yea, I could have chucked empty containers of supervisor juice at the people picking up the trash.

Saur - there are already a ton of tour boats. Some sail, most are powers - and some even have sails but are really pushed by diesel engines. I would need a larger boat, an expensive slip at someplace where idiots conglomerate (like Bayside which may be full), and my 100 ton masters license.

Or just the 100 ton masters license, then I could be a captain on a tour boat. IF any are looking for captains. I would get to wear a snazzy uniform and a captains hat. I would get my very own Royal Navy Admirals uniform like Nelson wore. Then I could demand admirals pay.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey L.I. Dont forget to get your FREE Baynanza Tee Shirt! hey have you tried the Beer called 211? 8+% Alchohol! Gets a buzz on in a hurry and its smooth malt liquor! High Gravity BeeR! See you out in the Bay! ~Stuntman

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Beach clean-up was fun. My boyfriend cleaned up a homeless man's home by mistake at Peacock Park. :/

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