I Was The Asshole

I missed a day again. I was beat after the bay thing. As usual I did nothing to prepare for the time on the water, option to wait for the last minute to do things.

So I was pretty tired when I got home. Blah blah blah.

And I also have to fix stuff I broke. Yes, there was boat carnage! I broke stuff. And lost stuff.

It seems that I forgot to lower my VHF radio antenna before trailering home. I also forgot to remove a flag. On the way home the antenna smacked something. I do not know what. Maybe a highway overpass? Maybe a sign? Hapless pelican? UFO?

Well whatever it was it broke about two feet of the fiberglass antenna shell, exposing the antenna element that was just sort of hanging. SHIT! There goes $40. I managed to get a new antenna for about 1/2 the price of a new one or else it would have been more. Closer to $75 or $80.

And where the hell is the flag? The brand new flag I had just obtained? And the wooden flag staff I made for it?

Probably still on the expressway. I hope I did not cause any accidents. The cops have not tracked me down so I guess nobody took down the trailer license plate and reported me for causing property damage or personal injury.

So I had to buy another 8 foot marine VHF antenna. And another flag. And the stuff to make another flag staff.

The bow tie down also gave up. But that can be fixed. I just need to tighten some cable clamps and put some lock-tight on the threads. This will glue the nuts in place preventing them from becoming loose. I should have done this in the first place.

Other than this, the event went off without a hitch.

On the bright side, I now have a broken fiberglass antenna that I can cut the jagged edge off of and create another flag pole out of. Now I have a place to display a divers down flag. I think I have another ratchet antenna mount around here someplace.

I really need to pay more attention to what is going on. I can not afford to buy a new antenna every time I use the boat.

I wondered why people were passing me on the breakdown lane on the highway. Here I was thinking "what an asshole that person is" when in fact two foot wooden poles were flying off the boat. I was the asshole after all!

One thing is for sure - it is not likely I will forget to lower the antenna and stow flags away again!

Baynanza 2008

The day is here! Baynanza is upon me.

So, at some unholy hour in the morning I have to rise from my slumber like a zombie rises from the grave, and stumble about grunting noises looking for some fresh brains to eat. Like a zombie, only less stinky because none of my flesh is rotting and I showered recently.

The alarm is set for 6 AM. Now under NORMAL conditions if I am awake at 6 AM is it because I have not gone to sleep yet. But normality is for sane people. Nobody ever accused me of sanity.

Most of the grunt work is done. Today at the last minute (as usual) I managed to get the boat stereo bracket made and bolted into place. So the stereo will not bounce all over the place when underway. I also bolted down the satellite radio thing. Sure I could have done this a while ago. But have we already forgotten SLOTH is my favorite deadly sin? Always put stuff off to the last minute, or else is it no fun.

The truck is cleaned out, so my crew can fit in it. This was done at about half past midnight. The trash was thrown out, everything else was crammed under the seats or put into the tool box. But whatever. There is room for people in the truck once again.

The boat is ready to go. All I need to do is unplug and remove the automatic battery charger. I also want to open all the locked compartments and remove any crap I will not be needing, so there is more space for other crap people will bring. But most of the crap is already removed.

The truck is hooked up to the boat trailer already. Ready to go.

When I awake, all I have to do is make the coffee, dump it in the thermos, put the beer and cans of fizzy water in the cooler, put the cooler in the boat cooler holder, check trailer tire pressure, load one more life jacket in the boat, grab the electronics bag and toss it into the boat, go to the gas station to get ice and possibly more air for the trailer tires, and then go to the ramp. No problem. Sounds like a lot but it is really not.

There will be photos of the bay cleanup. The camera battery is charging now. In fact, it is done charging now.

Boat battery number 1 seems to be low. I think it is on the way out. This sucks. It means I will need two new batteries soon. When I get new ones Ill get one starting battery and one deep cycle battery. Probably Optima style AGM batteries. I am done with wet cell boat batteries. AGM batteries never need water added.

UPDATES!

Time for another update post! A lot of shit has gone down - and the only way to get it all out is with an update post. So here it goes!

First on the list, the beer tasting event. I was called back on Monday. So I had to open the mystery packet! I had to rate my overall opinion of the beer - which I rated as 5. Neither like it or hate it. I also had to rate how well the beer met my expectations - again I went middle of the road here. Then I had to give a reason for my opinions. Next I had to estimate how much of the mystery beer I might drink during one drinking occasion in the future. Then how drinkable was the beer? And there were 5 more pages of questions.

For this, I got an extra $15. Which will buy at least one pitcher of Sam Adams (a real beer) this Friday when I go do my weekly thing at the Miami Yacht Club. So all is good.

I also registered with this outfit to take part in future market studies. Apparently I am on the "drunk / alcoholic" list. So if there are future alcohol studies I will probably get called. But I would also take part in other studies. So long as I get the ca$h. There is no W2 form to fill out, so I am thinking this is ca$h the tax man does not need to know about. Hey one study a week would not be too bad. It would keep gas in the truck. I suppose.

And here is another fun thing! YOU TOO can sign up! Apparently they do research studies using just the phone. The person who called me said that they have people from all over that are on their list. So if you are so inclined, go HERE and then click "recruitment". You may never hear from them, but you may also get some scratch for answering questions over the phone. You never know.

SECOND on the list, I got the boat tunes functional. The electronics box is under the T-Top and there is power in the electronics box (I ran the wires) and the speaker wires are running from the center console to the electronics box and the stereo is connected to everything it needs to be connected to and the satellite radio thingie has power and the satellite radio antenna is put somewhere out of my way (NO MORE TANGLED WIRES!!!!). The stereo WAS installed in the center console where it was not exactly easy to get to. This setup is so much better.

I still need to install the electric dual horns. I also need to get something to bundle all the wires that are now in the electronics box, so everything is all neat and tidy up there. I would hate for the boat shot glass to get wrapped up in the stereo wires, or not be able to find the boat beer bottle opener! For that would suck.

THIRD - I got my registration in for the Baynanza cleanup thing. I had to call DERM because the web registration thing did not work. But I called and spoke to a person and got signed up.

I had to be very patient with the person who I spoke to. Apparently, the person rides the SHORT BUS to work. Because they are special. Maybe too special. Or maybe I suck at communication.

But this can not be. I am a communications master. I have a radio license and everything. So that must mean I can communicate. Therefore I can discount the "I suck at communications" theory and play up the "someone rides the short bus to specialville" theory.

Without getting too long winded, the special person got confused. I said that I was bringing three people with me. Myself plus two others. I also said that the boat can carry 7 people, so I have room for 4 more volunteers.

Now I thought this was clear. We are not talking about advanced calculus here. 7 - 3 = 4. That is some 1st grade stuff.

But there was confusion. Was I bringing 7 people? 4 people?

No, THREE people. Me plus two more. The boat holds 7 people. So I am bringing 7 people? NO - the BOAT holds 7 people. I am bringing myself plus 2. I can take on 4 more volunteers. So I am bringing 6 people?

Anyway, I think that eventually any confusion was cleared up. I have room for 4 and maybe even 5 more people on the boat. I suppose that slightly overloading the boat is OK as the trip will be short and in calm waters. Ill have to see how the boat sits in the water once everyone is in. If I have to, then I will just make two trips.

I have to construct litter sticks. Bending over to pick stuff that is NOT gold coins and other things that can be converted to legal tender sucks. So I will get me some sticks and put a nail in one end. Then I can use the nail to stab litter. The litter will be impaled on the nail, and then I can pick it up. And then convert it to garbage.

Now I know you are thinking litter and garbage is the same thing. Well it is not. When you throw something out a window, are you "littering" or "garbaging"? When you get fined for throwing stuff on the ground, is it a littering ticket or a garbaging ticket?

Litter is trash just thrown on the floor, and garbage is trash IN A GARBAGE CAN. Got it? Litter is on the floor, garbage is in a garbage can. Litter is never in a garbage can and garbage is never on the side of the road. Litter and garbage are in fact not the same thing. It is all trash, but where that trash is located determines what sort of trash it is.

So when things say "please place litter in its place" what are they saying? Well if you ask me they are saying "throw this crap on the floor when you are done with it. Or just pitch it out the window of you car. Because the "proper place" for litter is pitched out the window.

The proper place for GARBAGE is in the garbage can. And the people who write "please place litter in the proper place" on things are IDIOTS!!!!! They are TELLING people to litter! Which last time I checked is illegal.

But what do I know about words and meanings and stuff. Nothing, thats what. I am just some random idiot who might be slightly retarded.

Ill have photos of my litter sticks once they are constructed. Which will be soon.

Baynanza 2008 Registration

Well I done it. I signed up for Baynanza again.

It will be fun. I suppose. I get to transport slaves volunteers out to some island in Biscayne Bay - then watch them pick up trash.

Then maroon them on the island. Cause THAT is how I roll. The ride out is free. But the ride home you have to pay for. Or swim. whichever you think you would rather do. No checks - I only deal in ca$h.

And yes, watch them pick up the trash. Cause Homie don't play that. While the slaves are picking up all the trash, I have important boat captain things to do. Like hang out on the boat to make sure there are no leaks. And make sure the beer is still cold. And make sure the boat tunes are cranking at the proper level. And maintain a radio watch on VHF channel 16. And other things that are not related to actually picking up trash.

See last year I dropped the slaves off by beaching the boat. But the bottom was very rocky and stuff. I did not want to leave the boat there. So after everyone was off loaded, I moved to deeper water and threw the anchor. Then supervised the trash collection from a distance. Then picked everyone up when the trash collection was over.

Depending on where I am sent this year, I may do the same. If there is a god excuse to not actually do anything, Ill take it.

Of course, there is the usual rant. This is a COUNTY sponsored event. And I am volunteering the boat to transport people to some deserted island in the middle of the bay so they can pick up the trash there.

OK - so far so good. Sounds about right to me.

Now does DERM (a County department) talk to Parks and Recreation (another County department) so that DERM even boat operators can launch at a COUNTY OWNED boat ramp for free? Oh hell no. For this would require someone in BOTH DERM and Parks and Recreation to know their ass from a hole in the ground. And this is asking for far too much.

I asked about this last year. And someone from DERM said "oh that would be difficult to do". Oh really. You mean mailing me a piece of paper with an official logo / stamp on it that I could leave on the dashboard of the truck that would tell the parks employees that I was part of Baynanza and therefore able to use the ramp just that one day for no charge? That is hard? Really?

And would it be so hard to also email the Parks and Recreation director about this, so that they could then tell the marina managers, so that everyone is on the same page?

Yes. Apparently this is VERY hard. Way too much work is involved there. You mean I expect someone in DERM to not only write an email (and possibly more than one email) AND create a piece of paper that says "DERM Baynanza 2008 boat captain" AND mail one out to each person who volunteers a boat?

How about this. Hire me and Ill do it. No really, I will take this massive task upon myself. I think I can coordinate it all - if that is all I have to do all year. I know - it will require a full 40 hours a week. Possibly even massive amounts of overtime. But I think I can get it done.

I even have a way to prevent people from scamming the system. NUMBER the parking passes! Yes, number the passes. Maybe get a stamp that automatically moves up one number every time you stamp something with it. When boat captains are registering, ask them what ramp they plan to use.

Now this is where my anti-scam plan gets VERY complicated - so I can understand why no $150,000+ per year department directors could EVER possibly be expected to understand this - let alone a lowly manager or other employee. You may have to pay attention here.

Tally up how many boats plan to launch from each ramp. Then start stamping parking passes. Now mail out the parking passes. Lets say 5 people are going to ramp A and 6 to ramp B. You would stamp 11 passes (6 + 5) and then tell the manager at park A that parking passes numbered 1 - 5 are valid for that park and tell the manager for park B that passes 6 - 11 are valid for that park. And so on.

Now if you know that passes 1 - 5 are valid for your park and you see pass number 18 there, you either have a retard or a possible scam going down.

Really hard there huh?

Also - I want MY volunteer long sleeve t-shirt to say "Coxswain". Not Captain. Everyone thinks they are a captain - when in fact they are just drunk.

Baynanza Recap

What a day it was!

The event started at 9 AM, but I was at the ramp and in the water by 0730.

Now who ever said divorce was a bad thing? You see, one of the people I transported told me about a friend of hers that has a boat that "she wants out of her yard". It is a 1997 something with twin engines. The lady pointed at a boat with a walk around cuddy cabin with an enclosed helm and said "it looks just like that, only it has twin engines".

The boat is a divorce special. The lady ended up with it, and she does not use it. It has sat on a trailer for a few years it seems. The boat and engines are a 1997 package. The engines are started every few weeks, or so the person claims. The lady on my boat was not the owner, but mentioned that the owner would sell it for "$7,000". Now if the boat has twin engines in good shape, that is not a bad price really. So hopefully someone calls me about it. But the boat could suffer from issues relating to a lack of care. Leaving a boat to sit is bad - both on a trailer or in the water. The water is worse, but even on land there are issues. Water gets in the fuel tank. Varnish and gunk clog up the engine. Trailer parts go bad. Tires rot. If the boat is left out in the rain, water collects in the bilge and corrodes wires. Wood in the deck rots. Foam collects water and gets heavy as shit. And so on.

Too bad I did not get this lead sooner. The woman might have been so pissed off at her ex that I could have bought the boat for $5 or something. Then she could have had the satisfaction of telling the guy "I sold your fucking boat, here is your half of the $5 I got rid of it for". That would have been bad to the bone. For me, not for the guy.

Now back to Baynanza!

It seems that Miami-Dade County D.E.R.M. needs some intelligent people living in Canada and who just finished their undergrad work to apply for a job with them. Because the people working there now seem to all ride the short bus to Special Town every day.

The boat ramp fees were not waived. I had to pay the usual $10. You would have thought that DERM could have mailed all the volunteer boat captains some kind of slip that would have allowed a one day free pass for their designated marina. But noooooo. Nobody did this. Or at least nobody told the part time marina attendant this. But whatever - Parks and Recreation probably needs the money.

I got some cool photos of ICW markers, slaves from the Tax Collector's Office collecting garbage as opposed to your money, a shot of the Carnival Imagination tied up at the Port Of Miami, and a pirate ship that tried to board me but me blunderbuss staved the scurvy dogs off.

In other boat news, the guy "selling" the Trophy I posted about is still selling the thing. But he is a strange one. The ad said "moving, must sell" but he never returned any calls. I tried to get him to call back for two weeks. But the boat is still listed, so I called the dude again. It seems he is now "out of the State" and will not be back till Thursday. What a goof. Usually when someone is selling a boat and you call them, they call you back every 6 - 12 hours asking "so, you want to come by and look at the boat now?!".

All Systems Go

Baynanza is here. Today I get to transport slaves volunteers to various places in Biscayne Bay to pick up trash. It should be fun. I guess.

This event is sponsored by Miami-Dade County. And they have BANNED BEER for the event. What kind of communist bullshit is this? I guess they do not know that I carry at least 6 beers per person on board as standard provisions. There are very good reasons for this.

First, I like beer. It is good stuff. Just because I bring 6 does not mean I have to drink all of them you know. Maybe I only have one. Maybe two. It is not very often I drink the full supply of beer.

Also, what if I need to send a message in a bottle huh? I bet the County did not think of this. Well with no beer on board it is impossible to send a message in a bottle. So this is another reason to bring some beer.

There is also the chance that someone may be christening a new boat. Now I know you are supposed to use champagne or wine or something for this ceremony, but beer works in a pinch. It has alcohol and it is fizzy, so it is kinda sorta like champagne.

Anyway, this is just how it is. It is my boat and as the captain ADMIRAL I say that beer is allowed on the boat. So I will stash some in the fish box, and hide it under a pile of ice. And I will not consume any until after the event is over. I can handle that. Really. It will all be over by 1 PM anyway.

The marine forecast for today is

SOUTHEAST WINDS 10 TO 15 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A MODERATE CHOP.

Moderate chop. This means I will tow the boat to the Pelican Harbor Marina and launch from there, as opposed to towing the boat to a closer marina and having a longer boat ride. The drive will be longer but I will not have to deal with as much crap on the water. I will try to remember the digital camera.

11 Days, Proof Of My Laziness, Movie Reviews

Only 11 days left till Baynanza 2007! What is Baynanza 2007? Well it is kind of like a massive free concert - only with no bands and instead of music you get to pick up trash. So it is not like a free concert at all. Well except for the free part.

This event is run by Miami-Dade County. Thousands show up - according to the propaganda that the County distributes about this event. It is huge. This is good because Biscayne Bay accumulates a lot of trash over the year. More people need to be shot for willful disregard of littering laws. This would probably help the situation.

Anyway, I registered to do something for the event. Did I mention it is free? And I have that day off.

Of course it is not free for me. I registered myself and the boat. And the boat requires.......GAS! Yes gas. Not a lot of gas - but more than a pint. More than a few gallons. And the truck that has to pull the boat will require gas. I doubt that this "gas" stuff will be free for the day.

And the boat ramp fee BETTER BE WAIVED or else I will complain to the boat ramp people. The boat ramp is run by Parks And Recreation Department, Baynanza is the idea of the Department of Environmental Resource Management. One would think that someone from DERM is going to email the boat ramp manager for Parks and Rec and ask them to waive boat ramp fees for those who are involved in Baynanza - but this would require someone to type an email, send it, someone else has to read it, write a memo, distribute the memo to all the ramps, have all the ramp attendants read it, and so on.

This is asking A LOT. Government works - but very slowly. The email asking to waive the ramp fees will be sent, but most likely it will be a week after the event. In civil service you have to pace yourself. Do too much too quickly and the boss will expect that level of work from you all the time. Slip just a little and it looks like you are slacking. But if you set low benchmarks, it is easy to make it look like you are working "extra hard" when it is crunch time. At least that is what it seems like.

You see, 11 days from the event and I have not heard anything from DERM. Well I did get one email about my registration being processed. I am going to be based in and around the Pelican Harbor Marina - wherever the hell that place is.

But that is it! I have no idea about anything else. What time should I show up? Is there to be a volunteer captain's meeting? Who am I going to be transporting? Will any children be on the boat? Will they have their own life jacket because all I have are jackets for adults. Am I to be a water taxi in constant operation, or do I get a scurvy crew of bilge rats for the day? This is critical information here!

And you would think that with only 11 days to go, someone would have sent something out to let volunteers know what the deal is.

In other news - HOLY SHIT! I have to stop being so damn lazy and DO MY TAXES! Yes, I am so lazy that I have not done my taxes yet even if the IRS owes me money. I should just do it right now. Get up right now, go to the other computer, fill out and print the PDF form, cram the W2 forms and 1040 form and whatever else I need into an envelope, and mail the shit off. Yea. I should do that. Maybe tomorrow. It is late now.

MOVIE REVIEWS! I watched Mean Creek and Midnight Cowboy. MORE DARK FILMS! I think I may need medication.

Mean Creek is about a bully. The bully beats up a kid. DUH! This is what bullies do. Anyway the kid and his older brother and some of his friends hatch a plan to get even. But then some stuff happens. And more stuff happens. And then the film ends. It is a sad film really. It was OK. Worth the time spent watching it.

Midnight Cowboy was rated X when it was released in 1969. Today it earns a measly R rating. A small town cowboy moves to New York City to become a gigolo. Being just another hick in a big city - he is less than successful. He meets up with another pitiful character who convinces the small town boy that he needs a "manager" (pimp). As a team they are less than successful. So they pack up to go to Miami. The film ends on the bus just as it arrives in Miami. It is a film of broken dreams. Sad really. But a good film. It was up for some sort of Academy Award even with its X rating back then.

We Now Return To Scheduled Operation

It seems that the DSL fixing thing lasted through the night. Here is what seems to have happened. I had a DSL modem / router thing with built in wireless. It worked decently. But it mysteriously died sometime Sunday night or early Monday morning. So when I got up Monday and tried to connect, I could see that the laptop was connected to the router with the wireless thing, but there was no access. I had to get up, walk to the room with the router in it, and see that the "broadband" light was orange. Orange = not good.

So I call tech support, who then ask a bunch of stupid questions that have nothing to do with anything. After a few dumb questions I just ask the person (probably in India) to check the DSL connection. It was working.

So I go out to Best Buy and pick up a Zoom DSL modem/router thing. And while I was there I picked up another game for the PSP and stuff. But I could not get the Zoom shit to connect for some reason.

Lucky for me, I was able to track down another modem/router from someone who had DSL service but for whatever reason quit using it. I plugged it in, reset it back to factory defaults, and it worked perfectly.

That is the story, and I am sticking to it!

In other news, I need a first mate for Baynanza. What the crap is Baynanza you ask? It is an annual event put together by Miami-Dade County Department of Environmental Resources Management (DERM for short). Slaves volunteers go to various places on Biscayne Bay and clean up trash. Trash collected includes normal stuff like plastic bags, cans, and bottles and stuff - but also strange stuff like kitchen appliances, floating chunks of mystery boats, dunnage (packing materials), televisions, and all sorts of other crap.

Some of the cleanup locations are on land, some are islands out in the bay. So boats are needed. I will be like a slave ship water taxi for volunteers, taking them from one place to another place on the bay. I need at least one person that can make for a competent crew - cause the people that the judge says have to spend a day cleaning up garbage are probably going to make for a lousy crew.