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Saturday, June 14, 2008

My Pantry

It seems I need to restock the pantry.

I was hankering for a snack at around 2 AM. As usual. But I was already in my underwear so I could not just drive to Denny's for a midnight special. Well I could but the cops would show up and ask me stupid questions.

Officer, how many times do I have to explain this to you. The sign says "no shoes no shirt no service". I am CLEARLY wearing a shirt and shoes. So what is the problem here? Don't you have some crack heads to chase or something?

If the Denny's wants customers to wear pants the sign should say so.

Anyhow I am banned from the Denny's. Apparently they have a problem with only wearing under pants. Like they have never seen underpants before. Everyone has them. Everyone wears them unless you are going commando. So what is the big deal?!?!?!!?

Anyhow this is a list of what I have right now in the lazy pantry.

1. A few cans of chicken broth. What the hell? Chicken broth? When did I buy that crap? I must have been really high. Or really sick.

2. A jar of maraschino cherries - dyed green. Your guess is as good as mine here.

3. Cocktail onions. I have no idea what you even use those things for - except for gibsons. And what is a gibson? A martini with a cocktail onion garnish. But I do not drink those.

4. Two cans of clam chowder. Now we are getting somewhere! But still - not really snack worthy.
5. A can of corned beef. Probably left over from hurricane season - LAST YEAR. But probably still safe to eat.

6. Two canned hams. More left over hurricane supplies? Who knows. I can not remember.

7. Various packages of some sort of breading. Think "shake and bake" here. Only it is not shake and bake. It is good on fish fillets - either baked or fried. For those days when I actually catch a fish.

And that is it.

So I had.....A BANANA SANDWICH! Here is what you need.

Bread, a banana, and mayonnaise. Spread the mayo on the bread, slice the banana, make the sandwich.

It really is better than it sounds.

So now the question is what to do with the green cherries, cocktail onions, and canned meat of unknown origin and age. Is it proper to donate it to a community kitchen or homeless shelter? I mean, everyone is going to know this is shit I uncovered from the depths of the pantry and do not want to eat.

And then there is the cherries and cocktail onions. What is a food pantry going to do with those? Make drinks for the homeless? Here homeless person who is probably an alcoholic - have a martini! Some asshole donated some cocktail onions!

Really - how can I unload this stuff? Without actually eating it.



Blogger doozie said...

are you sure the cherries were dyed and not just rotten? I think you should bag that stuff up, and the next time you see a hobo or dirty old bum holding up a cardboard sign asking for food, hand it out to him.

Then tell him that soon as he falls asleep your going to sock him one square in the face. Ok, maybe not that, it would be mean.

I too am up in the middle of the night, but I must forage in my hosts pantry. I'm guessing they have more food than you. I'm probably going to get really lucky.

Anonymous krok12 said...

The Lazy,

Man you need to hire a cuban beotch to do some shoppin. I go shopping every Sunday. Sometimes I have like 8 jars of pickles in stock.

You can give that stuff to the Vietnamese Vets, they collect that weird stuff.

Blogger Fuzz said...

I prefer peanut butter on my banana sandwich.

Blogger Lily Strange said...

Mayo and bananas??? That is certifiably disgusting! Peanut butter is indeed the way to hold banana slices on bread!


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