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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Olympic Overview

Now I know what you are thinking. I got my finger on the pulse of the electronic world!!!

What are all the Olympic Sports, and which are sports VS a game?? And what do I think of them?


Archery - sport. Drinking beer and shooting arrows is probably a bad idea

Badminton - WHO CARES?!?!?!

Baseball - boring. Very little action over a long period of time

Basketball - who cares. We have the NBA. We do not need Olympics basketball

Beach Volleyball - Most exciting thing at the Olympics, but only for the womens division

Boxing - sport. I bet China beats the shit out of Tibet - in boxing of course.

Canoe/Kayak - Fun. I have a kayak you know. Canoes are for scouts however.

Cycling - for crazy people. Bike seats can really hurt your ass.

Diving - if I do not have compressed air tanks strapped to me Ill pass.

Equestrian - why do they give the human the medal? The horse does all the work!

Fencing - Japan has the edge here. The Japanese team will use samurai swords. SLICE!

Field Hockey - do adults play this? Really?!?!?!

Gymnastics - Do adults really play this??!?! And why do we care?!

Handball - HANDBALL!?!?! Are you serious? How the shit did this get in the Olympics?

Judo - Someone short and Asian will win this one.

Modern Pentathlon - as opposed to ancient pentathlon? Requires LOTS of energy. Not for me.

Rhythmic Gymnastics - fine if you are a chick or a kid, otherwise it is just prancing around wearing tights and looking very very "happy".

Rowing - Ill take my powerboat. You row.

Sailing - NOW WE ARE TALKING! SIGN ME UP!! I love sailing! Ill drink the beer then pee overboard to make the boat lighter (and faster).

Shooting - Sounds like fun - but then you find out they shoot AIR PISTOLS. BB guns. Are real guns banned from China or something? Trap shooting uses real shotguns however.

Soccer - I am sure some crazy Brit will end up streaking on the field, then start a soccer riot.

Softball - They already have baseball! Why do you need this too?

Synchronized Swimming - the joke of the summer games. NOBODY cares. Not even the parents of the competitors. Imagine if you do not win. Your mother could say "I told you that you were flushing your life away with that swimming shit! Now look at you! No gold, no job, no endorsements - just a fancy swim suit!"

Table Tennis - you mean "ping-pong"? Yea, I think you do. GAME. But those olympic people take it very seriously.

Taekwondo - Boxing, judo, and taekwondo huh? Someone is going to get an ass kicking.

Tennis - How about a taekwondo brawl between the badminton and tennis teams. That might be fun.

Track And Field - I HOPE nobody calls the javelin a spear and then uses the word "chuck". That would be BAD! but seriously - nobody cares about this event.

Trampoline - COME ON!!! This is not a sport. It is something girls are supposed to jump on at the end of "The Man Show". Now "boob bouncing" should be an olympic event. And NO MENS
DIVISION!! Nobody wants to see that.

Triathlon - bike riding, running, and swimming. A tough guy event. Not for me. Far too much effort. Plus I can not run very fast or very far - unless being chased by bears.

Volleyball - Beach Volleyball chicks are hotter. Ill stick to that event.

Water Polo - TONS of effort required. Fast action. But nobody cares, except for once every 4 years.

Weightlifting - Dull. Dudes (and very scary looking "women") lifting heavy things. Probably the stinkiest event, the competitors do not look flexible enough to wipe their own ass. But they can rip a tree out of the ground and fence with it. I think the women lifters are really sasquatch.

Wrestling. One man gets on all fours, another man mounts him, then they try to pin each other. I really do not want to see that.

So there you go! All you need to know about the Olympics! now you do not need to waste any time watching it. Unless you want to because you like one of the events.

But I know that secretly, everyone will agree with my event comments. Last time there were summer games the ratings were very low.

I was going to go, but then thought it would be better if I did not. I would have ended up arrested and clubbed for getting drunk then holding up a "FREE TIBET, SALE ON ALL THINGS TAIWAN" sign in Tienanmen Square.

But at least then I would have made international news, like fellow Miami resident Bird Road Rudy.



Blogger M@ said...

I love women's beach volleyball but hate the cameramen and director for cropping out the good ass shots.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

M@ - I can always count on you for spot on commentary. You are so right about the cameramen. I do not get it. If I were a cameraman for that event I would not be cropping out anything.

I like it when one of the two chick teams finally scores the last point to win the gold and then start to celebrate by hugging each other then rolling around in the fake beach sand.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I've got a good ass shot for y'all. It is my goal before I die to moon the world via satellite. Once seen never forgotten, I tell ya! It was my goal to moon Jerry Fallwell, but the bastard wimped out and died before I could get the job done.
I know that Badminton may seem a boring sport but you never played Badminton with my brother. It then became a game of death. I took a gut shot once that left me winded! With the crazy shit we did as kids it's a wonder either of us lived to tell the tale.

Blogger Bee Repartee said...

SO basically, The Olympics are crap unless the competition is on the water or women in swimsuits?

Blogger The Doozie said...

I'm sure I don't know what you are talking about

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - I think I could watch some death badminton. But still, why have badminton and tennis? Are they not basically the same shit?

Bee - pretty much. Except the only water event I would want to take part in or watch would be the sailing events. I am not really into rowing. Watching someone in a canoe or kayak would be boring.

Doozie - join the club. Nobody knows what I am talking about.


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