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Friday, December 12, 2008

Christmas Story

Santa was having a very bad day.

First he wakes up, and while getting out of bed he stubs his toe. Then he steps on a pin that someone had dropped on the floor. And then he could not find his boots. Mrs. Clause remembered moving them somewhere, but did not remember where she put them.

But that was not all. He gets out of his room only to find that all the real coffee is gone. He had asked Mrs Clause and the elves to get some more - but they think that magical jolly old Santa can get it all done! So nobody went to the store. There was only decaf.

So Santa makes some decaf, thinking what the hell. But just as the pot of coffee is finished, Santa spills it all on his crotch. All 12 cups of it.

At this point poor old Santa is just beside himself. All this shit happens, and it is not even 7 AM yet!!! What else could go wrong? Well Santa was about to find out.

At this point Santa decides he needs to step outside for some fresh air. But he does not see the giant pile of fresh reindeer shit. Santa steps right into it. But he does not notice right away. He goes into the sleigh to look for his cell phone and tracks the reindeer shit all over the freshly cleaned sleigh floor.

And you know how hard reindeer shit is to clean out of plush Santa grade sleigh carpet? You do not want to know. Lets just leave it at that.

But Santa is jolly. So at this point he is still jolly, but only a little bit. Whats a stubbed toe, a pin stuck into your foot, no boots, a hot pot of DECAF coffee spilled on your crotch, and fresh reindeer shit all over your sleigh?

So Santa goes to the workshop to check on progress. Well the elf foreman got drunk and vomited all over the new production line. And it was not just any regular old vomit - oh no! This was rancid eggnog vomit. And the worker elves decided that they wanted a new contract. They wanted to be paid for overtime, and wanted a dental plan to go along with their insurance. They refused to do any more work until their demands were heard.

So Santa had to start loading up boxes of stuff himself. And of course one box broke open, and all manners of heavy objects fell on Santa's bootless feet.

Well that was it. Santa stormed back home - considerably less jolly. In fact by now he was downright grumpy.

But he forgot about the fresh reindeer shit, so he steps in that again. He feels it squish between his not so jolly toes, but he does not care.

Mrs. Clause on the other hand does care. She starts to bitch to Santa for tracking in the shit and snow. SANTA! What are you doing!??! Not on the clean floor!! And what is that smell?? Is that....reindeer shit? What is wrong with you?You do not have the sense of that special elf who was kicked in the head! My mother was right about you! You only work one day a year and I have to live up here in the North Pole where it is freezing all the time! And when are you going to take me on that vacation to Hawaii? You have been promising for 400 years! But NOOOOOOO that will never happen because YOU ONLY WANT TO WORK ONE DAY A WEEK!! YOU LAZY BASTARD! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!!

Poor Santa! Nobody should ever have a day this bad. So he stands up on the kitchen table, rubbing his reindeer shit encrusted feet all over the table cloth, tells Mrs. Clause to shut the hell up, and storms off into his study.

And then, just as he closes the door - there is a knock. Santa opens the door and there stands an angel with a Christmas Tree.

The angel says "Santa, here is the Christmas Tree you asked for. Where would you like me to put it"?

And that is why to this day, the traditional ornament for the top of a Christmas Tree is an angel.


Blogger Fuzz said...

I did read this.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

And I did steal it :)

Blogger Lily Strange said...

I love it! It's a relatively clean one, but since I'm such a visual person I can picture all this stuff happening. It was like watching a bit of slapstick comedy!


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