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Monday, May 11, 2009

Pirates Have Nothing To Do With This Post

This is how I envision what my life would be like, if I were a pirate.

I have to arise at some unholy hour today. By 8030 I have to be in Fort Lauderdale. For those of you who do not understand why this is a problem, allow me to fill in some information that will help you realize the gravity of this situation.

Morning rush hour traffic flows to the NORTH and/or EAST. If you are going south, or west, it is clear sailing. if you have to go east or north, you are fucked. You will not be going very fast. Hell, you should consider yourself lucky if you even move.

To get from where I am now to Fort Lauderdale, I have to go about 10 miles east, and about 27 or so miles north.

On the highway.

So to be there at 0830 I am pretty much forced to depart at some unholy hour of the morning. At a time when no human being should be forced to be on the roads - unless they are leaving for home from the bar that has last call at 5 AM.

By 7 AM traffic is building rapidly. So I figure I should be out the door by 0630. The goal is to make it to I-95 BEFORE the exit ramp off the 836 to I-95 north backs up like a toilet at the bar where last call is 5 AM during chili cheeseburger night.

And all for a hurricane conference. The Governor's Hurricane Conference. Lots of conferencing abut hurricanes.

Do not worry - I plan to LOAD UP on the free stuff. At these types of things, a shrewd individual can load up on free stuff. Nothing is too large or too small. For the large free stuff, the truck is parked nearby. For the small free stuff, I have a bag.

If the pickings are good enough, Ill bring a suitcase on wheels.

I truly have no shame.

But one can not just show up to a conference and expect to plunder all the free stuff. You have to fool the people in charge of handing out the loot that you are actually important.

For example, here is what you DO NOT want to do.

PERSON IN CHARGE OF LOOT: Welcome to my booth! Are there any questions I can answer about the products and/or services we offer?

ME: Not really. I am not in any position to actually buy anything. You see, I am a fairly low level cog in the wheel.

BZZZZZZZ! You will be lucky to get one pen this way.

Now lets see what happens if you use some creativity and improv skills! Here is how you would dazzle someone with bullshit.

PERSON IN CHARGE OF LOOT: Welcome to my booth! Are there any questions I can answer about the products and/or services we offer?

ME: Yes! I was just promoted at the Emergency Operations Center, and I have some plans to rethink the way we work. I am very interested in new technology, new ideas, new ways to do things, increasing agency efficiency, and so I need to keep on top of the latest new products and services.

LOOT PERSON: Wow! sounds like you have a lot on your plate there!

ME: You said it! I have this budget that I will need to spend, and to be totally honest I do not know what to spend it all on. I have never had a budget this large to spend before! I am really excited about it.

At this point, you will get loaded down with free stuff. Anything in the booth is now yours. Like the shoes the booth guy is wearing? They are yours. Just say "nice shoes!". The guy will staple his business card to the shoes, and hand them to you.

Here you go! Oh is not a problem at all! I like to go barefoot!

Needless to say, I have no shame. There is no such thing as a low I will not stoop to when free stuff is at stake.

Ill keep a running tally of the loot I obtain as I obtain it. There is an internet room at the conference. I am hoping they have free wi-fi, because the internet room is close to the training room I will be spending the most time at. And the laptop is fully wireless compatible. 802.11 B/G/N - and bluetooth!


Blogger actonbell said...

LOL, you green pirate:) Funny video, too

(And Ekim was right about the duck, of course. Ed's a Fast Eddie)


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