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Thursday, November 15, 2007

What Would You Do?

OK what would you do? First, allow me to set up the situation.

You are at home. You have just finished driving home from whatever it was you were doing, and traffic was hell. It is the early 90s, so cell phones are still the size of a brick and expensive - so you do not have one. But you do have....A PAGER! Remember those things? You would call a number, enter another phone number, then hang up. After a minute or so, the number you just entered is sent to someone's pager, where they see it and then call you back.

What the fuck was that all about? I mean, obviously I do not have a phone on me or else I would not have the pager. So how am I supposed to call you back?

Anyway, this is not important. What IS important is that you have a pager clipped to your pants. And you have just finished driving home from someplace, the traffic was hell, you probably drank an entire Big Gulp during the drive - and you REALLY have to take a piss. I mean really have to take a piss - BAD.

So you rush into the house, blitz the bathroom, shut the door, drop trow, sit (you may have to crap too) and then relax. Ahhhhhhh. The pressure is relieved. Oh yea and lets say you also poo. I can't remember. But I do remember taking that piss.

OK, so now you are all done. And so you stand up. And pull up your pants. And then you hear a noise. A strange noise. It sounds sort of like your pager coming unclipped from your pants and falling into the toilet. So you pause. do you even want to look? You think about it and then look.

And there, at the bottom of the toilet, in the yellow water with the log floating in it - is your pager.

OK now what do you do? You can just flush and hope the pager goes down the hole and is never seen again. But then again - you need that pager because chicks MIGHT beep you. And if a chick pages you, it is important and you MUST return that call. I mean, she should be paging you for ANY reason! You may not call her back and so she pages someone else and you end up being the master of your own domain.

But do you REALLY want to stick your hand in there? It is all gross and stuff in there. Not as gross as the figure to the left, but still pretty gross. However, I suppose given the choice of using the toilet snorkel OR dying of smoke inhalation I would........hope the fire department can revive my ass. They are usually pretty good at reviving people. OK Fine. I would use the snorkel. There. But while being rescued I would toss the evidence (the snorkel) into the fire so as to destroy it. Nobody would ever know.

But back to the original question. What would you do? Stick your hand in there to get the pager, or just pull the handle and hope everything vanishes? It is gross, but it is YOUR grossness. At least you know where it all came from. It is not like it is from some random stranger.

What did I do? I just went in after it. It was strange, because I thought about all this stuff I just posted, but yet went right in for the pager. It was only in the toilet for a second or two. Yet, my brain had time to consider the pros and cons of going in after it.

I suppose I could have flushed and then gone in after it. But I did not do this. I rolled up my sleeve and just did what had to be done. Quickly.

And the pager was still working. I was fairly amazed by this, as I was not expecting it to work. But there it was, working. For about 30 seconds. Then the display went blank. But I had some 91% rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. So quickly I took the battery out, opened the beeper case, and stuck the guts of it into a paper cup full of alcohol. I swished it around in the alcohol so as to displace any water in there AND also to make the beeper not gross anymore. Did I fail to mention where I pulled it out of?

After that I found a small box and put the beeper into that - then used the hair drier to get the thing dry. The 91% alcohol dried up pretty fast. Once the electronic parts were dry I put the case back together, inserted the battery - and it worked!

I never did get paged that day. I could have just flushed it and bought another beeper the next day. I suppose I did save $50 or however much those stupid things were selling for back then. Oh yea the beeper was also my watch and my alarm clock. So I would have probably been late to something the next day.

$50 Iguana Fun Bucks (no actual cash value) if you can tell me what the hell this thing to the left is, and exactly how someone is supposed to shit in it? I could probably figure out how to pee in it, but there would likely be some splash over. I understand these are common in Asia. Just another good reason China should never be allowed to become a superpower, and also could explain why Japan lost WWII.

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Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

The pagers were as big as telephones in the early 90s, it wouldn't have flushed, wouldn't it?

I was telling my 11 yr old about the Miami Vice cell phones (aka, small microwaves) they carried around in the 80s. Too funny.

Blogger Daisy said...

Maybe the 5-Second Rule applies to stuff that falls in the toilet, too.

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

I would have fished it out but I probably would be forced to wash my hands everytime I touched the thing for the rest of its natural life.

Blogger Ed Abbey said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

how can you tell we are not listening to your music?

as for the toilet issue, that is why I own rubber gloves. I would not have stuck my bare hand in there. just glove up.

I don't know what that thing is in your picture but if I were to guess I would say they squat to poop as opposed to sitting. If you do it enough it will strengthen your leg muscles....also it makes for easier cleanup as you don't have to hunker down and clean all around a toilet base. I'm even more curious as to the toilet paper contraption and what is that red thing on it?

Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

I would run quick to the kitchen and grab a rubber glove and go get it out of there because I'm fairly certain it would not flush. Or it might flush, but it would be the last thing that did until you got it out.

Blogger actonbell said...

This is a gross post, LI. And it follows that readability test you took...

About that low toilet: we have not been raised to squat, so I suppose it would be easier if you had something like a walker in front of it? It almost looks like one is expected to sit on it.

Blogger actonbell said...

Hey, I got a genius score, too. That proves that it's bullshit!

Blogger Avery Gray said...

How many fun bucks do I get if I told you I've actually pooped in one of those things? It was at a hotel in Kawagoe, Japan. Ah, good times!

Oh, and I'd fish the pager out, but I wouldn't ever use it again. I just wouldn't want to clog the toilet and have to explain to the plumber the dumb ass thing I'd done.

Blogger Fuzz said...

I guess using that thing would be like squating in the woods.

The toilet snorkel thing wouldn't work for us. If we made it to the "toilet", we would already be out of the house.

Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

What an awesome post!

Every time we travel, we always notice how, especially in other countries, the toliets flush and look differently.

Now the fishbowl one deserves a prize!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Emma - this had to be the mid 90s. The brick phones were still around, but the digital phones were here too. Both were still costly. Pagers were common - cell phones were growing in popularity but were not everywhere.

Daisy - had it been a public toilet the beeper would have been lost.

Ed - I soaked all electronic parts in 91% alcohol, and the plastic parts in pure bleach.

Doozie - I know all. But not enough to keep gloves in the shitter. That last photo is a squat toilet. The red contraption is a dual paper roll holder. The trash can is for the used paper. You do not flush the paper if using a squat toilet.

Scarlet - The pager probably would not have flushed. But it might have. And if it did - the clog would be legendary.

Actionbell - I did some research on the squat toilet. You DO NOT want to sit in the thing, or fall in. You also have to be careful to keep clothing from getting stuff on it. Oh yea - using one also requires good balance.

Avery - As many Iguana Fun Bucks as you want. I print em up myself, so I can make them in any denomination. Of course, they have no actual cash value. You should blog about your squat toilet experience. Someone who reads your blog may be planning a trip to Asia and may need to know these kinds of things!

Fuzz - I would rather squat in the woods. Somehow that seems far more pleasant. The toilet snorkel is not for everyone.

Barbara - This post was very toilet intensive. If I ever go to Asia I will be using the woods a lot.

Blogger Kristen said...

I used to work in the office at a plumbing company in the mid-90s. There are LOTS OF people who lost their pagers in toilets.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Sorry, but the pager would be toast.
I could pee in that thing in the bottom picture, but it would have to have a stall around it. One that reached from floor to ceiling. Otherwise I'd be searching for the nearest bush out back.


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