More Driving Rules

So you have probably all heard that the Vatican issued 10 commandments for drivers. And if not - BREAKING NEWS! The Vatican issued 10 commandments for drivers! There. Now you know.

Here are those commandments, with explanations of what they mean complements of me.

1. Thou shalt not kill - clearly plagiarized from the original 10 commandments. OH how original there! You mean I am not supposed to run people down in my car? Really? What idiot came up with this one! Anyone who is going to put effort into paying any attention to the driving commandments probably already follows the ORIGINAL commandments, so not killing is already covered. They did not even cite the original commandments properly! MLA would be horrified.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm - OK what does this mean? Means of communion between people? So I am only supposed to use the roads if I want to get laid or something? And what is it with the mortal harm part? We already know about the whole "no running assholes down" thing. Even if they do deserve it. And does this mean the Vatican is against street vendors and people trying to collect money for various reasons by standing in the street? This commandment needs the Pope to clarify it.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events - sounds like they stole this from a fortune cookie or a newspaper horoscope.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents - like this will ever happen in Miami. I have seen people drive through fresh accident scenes, cell phones pressed firmly against the head. Nothing happened here! Keep driving! Swerve to avoid the body in the street! Do not want to get blood on the car finish!

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin - YEA RIGHT! Someone should tell the Vatican that the Archbishop of the Miami Diocese lives in PINECREST (expensive houses) and when I had to make a delivery there I saw a few Jags in the driveway. Is that not an "expression of power"? Look! I can afford an $80,000 car because you idiots put all that money in the collection plate every week! Please. And if I can not commit the occasional sin in the back seat of the car, how can I use the roads as a means of communion between people? Sometimes a proper place to get freaky is just too far away.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so - Code words for "do not drive after drinking a whole bottle of communion wine". Driving drunk is more likely to lead to a whole bunch of hot sweaty steamy backseat sin. The kind of sin that fogs up the windows on the inside of the car. And causes the suspension to make noises. Got it! Better to find a proper place for that kind of activity.

7. Support the families of accident victims - Good concept here. Really. People need support. This one actually makes sense, as does number 6.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness - uhhhhhh...might not be such a great idea. "Im sorry" does not pay for my new car because your ass had no insurance and was driving without a license. I may forgive you if you forgive the steel toe boot lodged up your ass.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party - I do this. Which is why I drive a larger heavier vehicle!

10. Feel responsible toward others - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Really! I almost peed on myself here. Feel responsible toward others? Like how? I carry insurance for the vehicle, is that not enough? What if the "others" are mouth breathing morons who have no business owning a car in the first place? What then?

So there you go. More driving rules that you can ignore.

MOVIE REVIEW! Flags Of Our Fathers. Another war movie with a message. War is bad, MMM-Kay? This movie is about the guys who were in that famous "Flag over Iwo Jima" photograph. The ones who lived long enough for the photo to be famous were flown home and sent on a public relations tour of the USA to get people to buy more war bonds. It used some of the same footage from "Letters From Iwo Jima", and was made by the same director (Clint Eastwood). It is a good movie, not the typical war movie at all.