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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Ask The Iguana

Welcome to the first installment of "Ask The Iguana". Today's question is a two part question from Dusty and Ba Doozie.

Ba Doozie asked "Why are bars so dark? I could never figure that out, these days, the new micro brewery's etc are light and bright and full of sprite"

Excellent question! A good bar will be dark because when you are drinking, light hurts your eyes. You want there to be enough light to see where you are walking, but not any more than that. As you drink more, your eyes adjust to the darkness. So if the bar is too dark for you, then you have not drank enough. If a place is set up for drinking, it will be dark. The lights will be dim. This is just how it is. Sometimes the bartenders even have small flashlights with them. Sometimes I bring a small flashlight so I can see what the hell my tab is. But I like these places. The dim lights give the place a laid back sort of feeling. You know, what is the hurry to leave? Stay for another beer! It is so bright outside, and nice and cool and dark in here!

But dark bars have their own dangers. You need to be VERY VERY careful who you hook up with. Really extra super careful. Cause the dim lights can really mess you up. What looks like a not so bad idea may turn into a VERY bad idea in brighter light. So be careful.

Now for Dusty's question! "Who drinks in the damn dark? Nothing like tripping over shit when your drunk".

Well I drink in the dark. Not total darkness, but like I said before low ambient light is much more pleasing to a drinker than bright light. The soft dim light puts you in the right drinking mood. And when the lights go up you know that means "time to leave". How do you know it is time to leave if the lights are bright all the time? You don't. Drinkers take their cues by the brightness of a place.

The place has enough light so you do not trip over stuff. And you can even read the menu! There is just enough light for that. But no more. It is a truly great place.

If you have a question for The Iguana, put it in a comment. If I like the question and I have nothing else to post about - your question may be featured next!

And now I will leave you with this wacky story. You have to admire the commies. Really. They are trying to tap into the western tourist market. There is a lot of money there! And they try so hard. They get a gold star for trying. But they just can not get it right.

Case and point - China's newest "tourist attraction". The world's largest.......public bathroom! Yes you read that right. China wants to create a "toilet culture" where people can listen to music and watch TV while they piss on something. The giant toilet, with over 1,000 stalls, is located in an area that sees a lot of foreigners. Officials claim people will be "very, very happy" after using the toilet. There are over 1,000 stalls on three floors. Some are even in an open air area.

Here are three of the over 1,000 pissers. I do not think the Pope is going to be using them anytime soon. Is that a Virgin Mary pisser? Those wacky Chinese! The toilets under a roof are even better. They are everywhere. Along the stairs. Along the walls. All over the place.

And yes, there is a ladies room too.

The Chinese plan to build a supermarket nearby that will sell toilet related items. Toilet souvenirs? Are they serious?

To the Chinese Officials I say this. You guys have the right idea. Tourist like to go to the "world's largest __________". But you guys need to work more on the concept. Next time build the World's largest roller coaster. Or the world's largest wall. WAIT! You already have that.

Nobody really wants to go all the way to China just to piss in the world's largest public bathroom.

New Iguana Music, almost as bad as some of the toilets in China.

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Blogger TLP said...

Do the girls really get prettier at closing time like Willie Nelson sang?

If you drink at home, do you still like it dark?

If I still liked bars at all, I'd like'm dark. It's cozy. I get it. Totally.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

1. Yes they do. But only if you have been drinking. Otherwise - no.

2. I do not like it super bright. I need to get more dimmer switches.

Blogger Herr Krokodil said...

The Lazy,

While I was taking a dump today I heard in the stall next to me a dude using a toilet seat protector. I've never used a seat protector because I've always felt that the urine on the seat would allow me to stick to the seat better if I were to fall asleep. Do you use those things and i wonder if women use them since they don't have hairy butts?

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Krok - I avoid having to take a dump on a public toilet. I usually just go out back and cop a squat. Use my drawers to wipe, then go commando for the rest of the day.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The chinese are trying to make up for their habit of wiping with their left hand. They are bathroom challenged and don't want to be seen as such. As for the question and answer session, I have lots of questions. I'm almost afraid to ask some of them for fear you will reject me

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

What would be more scary - your questions or my answers to them?

Blogger Dusty said...

If you can read the menu..then there is enough light..I stand corrected o wise one :)

As for public pissers..I ain't using one.I can barely pee in a public restroom..stresses me the fark out.

I know..tmi :P

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Bars are dark so ugly people can get laid.
Having worked as a bartender, I've been bemused by more than one such flirtation going on in front of me, thinking that I wouldn't touch either of them with a ten foot pole and hoping that they for the love of all that's holy leave before they start actually making out.
Those are some great urinals! I've never worked in a bar that had urinals as cool as those.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Dusty - If there are people standing next to me I have a hard time getting the flow going. In a stall I am fine. Just close the door and let it flow. Once the pee stream starts, it can not be shut off.

CM - That is why I included the warning. Be very careful before you hook up in a dark bar. This is one reason I always bring a flashlight with me. PS alcohol also helps the ugly get laid. And I think that an ugly guy invented the guitar and Rock Music. Just look at Bob Dylan. That mofo is FUGLY, yet I bet he scored with more than his fugly ass share of hot babes.


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