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Friday, October 19, 2007

Paying My Fines

Paperwork day is here! This will be a fun day. I get to sign the offer letter. I also have to apply for a work ID. Work IDs are very popular these days. And this work location is pretty serious about the whole ID thing. I can dig that. Security is important.

And so, I guess it is probably a good idea to pay my court fine for the illegal lane change ticket! I have not done this yet. I will have to pay an extra $18 late fee. I was going to use the fine as leverage, but this is not going to be needed anymore. Here is what I envisioned.

COURTS - Dude, you owe us $130-something. When are you going to pay?
ME - I would be happy to pay, but you see my employment situation currently sucks. I do not think I have that kind of flow.
COURTS - I see. Do you need to go on the payment plan?
ME - maybe I do! I have $5 I can pay now. The rest.....I don't know. I do not drink cheap beer so I have to have money for that.
COURTS - For $130 something bucks, you have to go on the payment plan?
ME - Not unless you know of any jobs that I would like to get. You know, something I really want to do. Maybe something relating to.....I don't know.....maybe working for the Department of Environmental Resource Management? I noticed that department has boats. I know how to operate a boat. So how about it - you order DERM to give me a job that puts me out on Biscayne Bay in one of their boats, and I will be more than happy to pay my court costs in full. Plus the late fee. Otherwise, I have $5 I can pay now and the rest you will get in weekly installments of 50 cents, which I will pay in pennies which I have not wrapped so someone will have to count them.

And then I would be in jail. But they would not get their money!

But really, I need to pay up already. The ID application probably means some manner of background check. So no point in uncovering the fact I owe the County Courts a Franklin, a Jackson, a Hamilton, a Lincoln, and 4 Washingtons. Might as well get that out of the way. The courts take credit card (visa and master card only) payments over the internet now. This makes it easy to pay your fines.

OK - fine is paid. I still need to run my license plate through the system to check for parking tickets. You see, there is a parking ticket trick. Here is how it works. Lets say you know you are going to illegally park. How do you not get a ticket?

Simple. Find some other person who got a ticket. Then steal their ticket off their windshield. Now put the ticket on your car.

The parking enforcement people come along on their GAY three wheel motorcycle and......see you already have a ticket. Serves you right you law breaker! So they move on, see the other guy you stole the ticket from - and issue them another one.

Now on Columbus Day I technically illegally parked. I totally forgot to pay the boat ramp fee. OOPS! But when I got back after the weekend I did not have a ticket. So I either got lucky, or someone took my ticket so they could park for free. I have to check that one.

This is why EVERYONE needs to go through background checks every so often, just for fun. They motivate you to pay all your fines. They also motivate you to not curse out loud in your home. Because THIS CAN HAPPEN if you say bad words in your own home. Really, if saying "shit" in your bathroom is an arrestable offense we are all in trouble.

Skipper the cat has decided that it is fun to jump up on shelves and knock stuff over. He also thinks that the proper place for a cat to be is on the table. You have to guard your food. You can not leave any food out - you have to hide it in the oven or microwave.

So I bought a 32 ounce squirt bottle. Skipper hates water more than any cat I can ever remember having. So now when he is being a pain in the ass, he gets squirted. No warnings. Right now he is being good. I wonder why? He better not decide that it is fun to knock stuff over after I am sleeping, because I have the bottle in reach. It is right next to me. And it is full.

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Blogger Emma Sometimes said...

The parking enforcement people come along on their GAY three wheel motorcycle

I did not know they have Subaru Impreza motorcycles.

In P-town, they will give you another on top of what you have if you stay longer than another hour over. Overstay for three hours and you are 3 x 24$..not that I'd know...

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

I once declared war on some parking meters. More on what I did later.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

Too bad you can't chase away the parking police by squirting water on them.
I guess by the rules that might end up getting the woman who swore at her toilet put in jail, my perfectly law abiding straight A student son should go to jail for the fact that he'll walk in the house and proclaim "well, I gotta take a shit." While obnoxious, I never saw this as a punishable law type offense before. More as typical teenage guy stuff. But what the hell do I know?
Really, I should be on death row according to their assessment. And I never even killed anybody!

Blogger Fuzz said...

We use the squirt trick when the Kitties get out of hand too.


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