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Sunday, November 25, 2007

Mysteries Of Marketing

I had to take some marketing classes on the college level. I did well, the classes were really easy. I would spend most of my time in the classes checking out chicks. The rest of the time was spent sleeping or thinking "this is all bullshit".

Now I know that somewhere on the internet there is a marketing major reading this and saying "you are wrong! Marketing is not bullshit!".

Well I say it is bullshit. All of it. And here is my evidence to prove my case. You are free to present whatever evidence you may have to refute my claim.

What the hell does a puppy have to do with wiping your ass? You tell me. Well go on! I am waiting! What is this ad trying to tell me? Cottonelle toilet paper is strong enough to support a lab puppy? I had one of those once and they are not little. Do you want to wipe your ass with what amounts to laminated wood paneling, or maybe fiber reinforced sand paper? Or that rip proof stuff used for mailing envelopes?

My case is made. Marketing is stupid. It is all bullshit. Puppies have nothing at all to do with ass wiping. Neither do bears.

Except for my bear joke!

A rabbit and a bear are in the woods. The rabbit sees a bear take a massive shit. The rabbit of course takes a lot of little shits. So the rabbit asks the bear "Mr. Bear, how do keep your shit from sticking to your fur"? The bear says "Good question" - then grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

But really, how would one advertise toilet paper? You do not want to see someone using it for its intended purpose on TV. Well maybe you do - but if this is the case you are a disgusting sick pervert. We ALL know what it is used for. So the marketing people think "hey I know! Puppies! We will use puppies to sell this ass wiping product!"

And I guess it works. Someone is buying enough Cottonelle toilet paper to pay for all those commercials.

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Blogger Fuzz said...

I keep stepping in dogie poo in the yard. It is not cute.

Anonymous Karen said...

Puppies sell stuff, but SEX sells more stuff. I guess humor doesn't sell very well, because you sure don't see much of it. I mean, what happened to my Budweiser Frogs? I would never even consider drinking it, but I did like the frogs. Just recently I saw an ad that was 27 seconds of smoldering looks, anorexic women in gorgeous dresses and unlikely men in great suits, and at the end, 3 seconds of the product the commercial was selling, which I can't even remember, which was never mentioned during the previous 27 seconds or even had anything AT ALL to do with it. I like commercials considerably better when they are used as pee breaks. That is their true purpose, and that is where they SHINE.

Blogger Herr Krokodil said...

The Lazy,

Happy late Thanksgiving. I hope you had Thanksgiving Sex.

My dog smellie dos is dead now but she use to follow me into the stall. I guess her nose wasn't that good.

Blogger actonbell said...

If ads can't use sex to sell a product, they'll use a cute critter. It works. Look at wine labels next time you're looking, btw. I think the Geico Gecko is TOO cute, and I pay rapt attention to him, even if I have no interest in switching my insurance. You once made the comment that insurance companies act just like cold-blooded reptiles, but they used one in their favor!

Many people find chihuahuas to be irritating dogs, but the one in the Taco Bell commercials sure is cute. I never eat at Taco Bell, but--I notice their ads.

Blogger M@ said...

Dude, I don't know how you make a BETTER commercial about toilet paper.

I'm wracking my brain. The puppy and the clouds connote softness and cleanliness in a product associated with... well, something that evinces the basic emotion of disgust deep within our REPTILIAN brain.

Remember when Bill Clinton got a puppy. Shameless.

Blogger Avery Gray said...

I hate Cottonelle. It's too linty. I wouldn't buy it no matter what method of advertising they used to sell it. And puppies don't make me want to buy anything. Neither do scantily clad women. But it must be working on someone.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Fuzz - I hate it when that happens. Is it at least your dog?

Karen - I hate commercials where I can not understand what the hell they are selling. They all work for pee breaks.

Krok - I was too busy for Thanksgiving sex. I had a lot to do that weekend. Sorry to hear about Smellie Dos

Actionbell - the Gecko commercial needs to be retired. Enough is enough already. I think someone ran over the Taco Bell dog.

M@ - OK here it goes. A dude walks out of the Men's room with some TP stuck to his shoe. A smoking hot - and I mean hot beyond all description - sees him and says in a sultry sexy voice "I like a man who knows to wipe his bunghole with the ultra soft Cottonelle". Then they have hot monkey sex right there in the bar. They don't care if people are watching. Then voice over guy says "use Cottonelle and you will have hot wild monkey sex with hot chicks too".

Am I onto something there?

Avery - I do not know if I ever used the shit on my shit. I just use the shower anyway. I have a removable shower head thing that has the pulse jet mode. I can blast the shit off my ass with streams of warm water and everything stays much cleaner and nicer. Paper is gross.

Blogger QZ~ said...

and why do they always have to use a stupid yellow lab? why don't they mix it up a little and use a mutt

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

QZ - good point. They could also use a possum. Or a three toed tree sloth. Or a warthog. Or a platypus.

Blogger Kristen said...

Or a basset hound?

I think the dog commercial you've got here and the cartoon bears are the biggest wastes (pun!) of my time ever.

Toilet paper is not a huge decision for me. I buy those giant rolls of Scott (or the store brand equivalent) because Darren always steals a roll and uses it for blowing his nose and it lasts forever. Right now, though, I'm not the toilet paper buyer of the household, and I've gotten LECTURED on what kind of TP to bring home (if I get stuck with emergency TP retrieval duty) because Some People in this house have hemorrhoids and they need their widdle butts pampered like delicate flower petals.

Thanks for letting me vent. It feels good to know that it's possible for the whole internet knows about my in-laws' buttholes now. It was getting tiresome carrying that secret around on my own.

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

I buy the moistened Cottonelle butt wipes because they're the least expensive of the moist wipes and they serve their purpose. But I don't have any need so speculate on why puppies might make a person feel like wiping their ass.

Blogger Fuzz said...

That's what hurts, I say out of her area but still manage to find the stuff.


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