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Saturday, December 15, 2007

Open Letter

To the DRIVETARD who decided to pull out in front of me today.

Thank you for pulling out in front of me! Really, I thank you for this great service you did today. I just love converting the kinetic energy of my truck into heat by using the brakes.

You even went so far as to pull out in front of me knowing that there was a very large empty space behind me. There was nobody behind me for a good distance, due to the timing of a traffic light. But you saw to it that I had to convert some kinetic energy into heat anyway.

Drivetard, people like you make Miami what it is. A festering sewer of filth and disease. You just HAD TO get in front of me huh? Well you did. Do you feel better now?

You see drivetard, gas is expensive. And because I haul stuff around sometimes, and I can not afford multiple vehicles, I got a pick up truck. It only has a V-6 engine, as I did not need the V-8, but I do not get the greatest MPG out of it. This is why I drive slow.

This may confuse you, with you being a drivetard and all, so let me break it down to you. You maximize your gas mileage is you accelerate slowly, and maintain a constant speed when you are going as fast as you need to. In my case 40 mph works. This is the speed limit after all. But when drivetards like you feel the need to pull out in front of me for no reason (remember there was this HUGE space behind me with nobody back there) it means I have to slow down. Then means I have to speed back up again. And this wastes gas. Which is $3.15 a gallon now, in case you did not notice.

I hope you get the crabs, and the itching drives you insane. I also hope you never get laid again, because everyone knows you as "that guy/woman with crabs that went insane from the itching". Since nobody would want your super public lice - everyone would just avoid that region of you. Forever.

Wishing you get the clap,
Lazy Iguana.

And thus concludes the open letter. Shit like this happens all the time. People can wait 10 seconds for you to pass and then pull out - but no. They are far more important than you, and can not wait this obscene amount of time! Why, someone will die if they have to wait 10 seconds for you to pass! They MUST pull out in front of you. In whatever lane you are in.

One of these days, I am going to floor it, pass the drivetard, pull in front of them, and hit the brakes. HARD. They will smash into the rear and of the truck, and I will laugh. I will likely be able to drive away - but their car will be done. And it will be their fault, as I would be rear ended.

I will pick someone with a nice new car that cost at least $50,000. I figure they have good insurance.

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Blogger Scarlet W. Blue said...

WHY do the effers do this? Can't wait that little bit for you to pass. Ohhhh nooooo. Redneck men are the worst. Like if they let you be in front, their manhood is somehow compromised.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Scarlet - down here there are no rednecks. They all fled decades ago. Well maybe there are a few left, but not many. There is only one Country Music station left. So in their absence, just about everyone else is a drivetard. It is really bad.

I am off to do the boat parade thing. Notice the time. It is effing early to be awake - unless you have not gone to sleep yet. I do not think I will do this again next year.

Blogger Doozie said...

Your luck the person in the spendy car stole it and there is no insurance?

Blogger M@ said...

That's how I got into a minor scrape w/ a guy... He saw me coming but he figured, "I'm puling out anyway! Let him slow down."

He actually said to me, "But the car BEHIND you stopped."

Exactly. Why should traffic have to slow or stop so you can pull out? Just wait. Then if you honk at them, they'll give you the finger.

What I hate is when someone makes eye contact w/ you (like this Asian guy once, holding a cigarette) and then just pulls out anyway.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Doozie - with my luck it would be a stolen car.

M@ - what an ass. The car behind you stopped? And this matters how??? I would have wanted to kick that guy square in the nuts. When you make eye contact with someone then pull out anyway, it is like giving someone two middle fingers while mooning them AND yelling "fuck you, lick my asshole, and suck on my nuts". Unless of course the other driver gives you the "Ill let you in" signal.

Blogger Doozie said...

I think my boobs are getting bigger

Anonymous krok9 said...

The Lazy,

The only way a middle aged woman's boobs get bigger is if she's putting on weight.

Miami is the worst place in the world for a reason, right?

Maybe you should move to Liberty City.

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

Krok - Liberty City is in Miami. Well at least it is in Dade County.

Doozie - did you get implants?

Blogger Cheesemeister said...

It happens around here too. I'm going down the Death Highway between my parents' house and work, and I'm actually exceeding the speed limit, but yet there is some damn fool trying to give my car some sort of intimate car exam because they're close enough to enter the tail pipe! Since exceeding the speed limit by 10 miles an hour is wuss stuff. They want to exceed it by 20. Fuckers!

Blogger The Lazy Iguana said...

CM - you need a switch that makes the brake lights come on without actually using your brakes. I had a car that I could make the reverse lights come on without shifting into reverse. That was fun.


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