Stocking My World

The little office tank will be ready for creatures soon.

Actually, it already has critters in it. I have added tens, if not hundreds, of thousands of critters. Maybe even millions. People who come into my office to see the tank always ask "so, what is in it?". I tell them that they have to look VERY closely to see what I put in the tank. So they look. They get very close, put on glasses, and so forth.

Then after they just can not see anything other than plants - I break the news to them. All I have added are bacteria. I have a bottle of bacteria. I put a dose of bacteria in every day. Indeed, you would have to look VERY close to see them. The longer they stare, the funnier it is. For me.

But the bacteria are very important. I did not have to buy the bacteria, but without the bottle of bugs the tank would take longer to cycle. Once the ammonia level drops, the nitrite level builds then drops, the tank will be ready for fish.

So far, I have not decided exactly what fish I will have. But I am leaning towards this fish.

This is a cardinal tetra. They come from South America. They like soft acidic water. My little creation has fairly soft water, with a slightly acidic pH. Perfect for this fish. I was thinking of getting 5 or so of them, because in nature these fish like to school.

I also like kuhli loaches. These eel like fish are from asia, and they like to hang out on the bottom of lakes and rivers. They are scavengers. They are also mostly nocturnal and like to have places to hide. But when they are out - they are active. Here is what one looks like.

But I have to be careful to NOT overcrowd the tank. One of the reason a fish tank can fail is overcrowding. The general rule of thumb is one inch of fish per gallon of water, but with the bio wheel I can cheat a little.

One thing is set in stone. I WILL have freshwater glass shrimp. These small invertabrates do not really count as fish, so they do not factor in the overcrowding equation - to a point. I could not keep 50 of them, but three or four should be OK.

Now, if those lazy good for nothing bacteria would just get off their cell membranes and get my ammonia level to zero I could start stocking!

Democracy.

For a while now, during my discussions with various neo-cons that I know, I have been hearing the same thing. That I do not understand what democracy is. I am wrong for saying it is unlikely it will ever work in Iraq. The "evidence" they have used is spotty at best, but it involved pointing at newspaper photos of people with ink on their index finger. See? People voting! Ill bet you hate that.

But I have always known that THEY were the ones who are wrong. Democracy is NOT a form of government. Democracy is just an idea - with as many weaknesses as strengths. But my associates who blindly support Bush do not see this. I have been accused of being an America hating communist and told that maybe I should just move to France. By idiots. I just want the war in Iraq to fail so I can blame it all on Bush. As if I think people getting maimed and killed just to achieve a political goal is good. And all because I dared to state the obvious - democracy will probably NOT work in Iraq.

What is my evidence? History. Did you know that Adolf Hitler was voted into power by a democratic election? Well he was. Go on and look it up. The people spoke - and WWII was the result. And that is not all. Many people that were voted into power by fair elections turned out to be turds on a stick.

But the other side - the people who think that somehow the democracy fairy will wave a magic wand over Iraq and make everything OK still refuse to see the facts. They continue to follow the pied piper of madness, blind to what is going on right in front of them.

In the new nation of Palistine, Hamas was voted into power. By democracy. But do you hear Bush saying "See? Democracy works!". No, you do not. Hamas, a group known to support terror and a group who refuse to extend diplomatic ties to Israel - was voted in.

With Hamas in power, it is unliely that anything constructive can happen. The Fatah supporters are pissed off, and will not accept rule by Hamas. Sounds like the makings of a civil war to me.

The USA is "reviewing foreign aid packages", meaning that aid the new nation so desperatly needs in order to build infrastructure will be cut off. We do not deal with terrorists. And now that Hamas is a legitimate government, we will probably also cut off diplomatic ties.

Hamas was voted in because the people are unhappy with the way things are. And can you blame them? Would you like your home to be occupied for decades, and see lavish gated communities guarded by an army spring up while you continue to live in a shack because there are no jobs? Hamas offered people something different, and they went for it.

Who is to say this will not happen in Iraq? The elections there were not by any means "free open elections" like the White House claims they were. In open elections, anyone who wants to can run. But could the "bad guys" we are looking for in Iraq run for office? If you think the answer to that question is no - then you can not accept that the elections were open to everyone.

And what happens if a militant in Iraq does run? What do we do? Respect democracy? Let the people decide? Or bomb the crap out of the guy when he is at home. Of course the White House would choose to bomb the crap of the guy. Totally disrespecting the voice of the people.

I wonder what my neo-con associates would say about this. Could they admit that my views are closer to reality than their warped vision? Probably not. They would just accuse me of wanting everything to fail because I hate apple pie, fireworks on the 4th of July, and bald eagles. Or something like that.

Meanwhile, on the planet I live on (as opposed to Planet Happy-Everything-Is-Fine) things do not look so good. I think the people made a terrible mistake voting for Hamas. I do not think that anything good can come from a Hamas controled government. But - the people did vote. And the election was fair. There are no dingleberries on the ballots, no chads, or anything. Nobody disputes the results. Hamas won.

Ain't democracy great?

The Coke Fiend

There is a coke fiend working somewhere in the airport. This person has access to my floor. How do I know this? Deductive reasoning.

Tuesday I left 6 cans of soda in my little fridge. Wednesday was my day off. Thursday I went to the office to drop off my little aquarium, 6 gallons of bottled water, 16 pounds of aquarium substrate (a fancy word for gravel) formulated just for plants, and some other assorted stuff.

FOUR cans of soda were gone. I know that the administrative secretary for my boss took one soda because she told me. And she left 50 or 75 cents on my desk. This was just fine, I do not mind if someone takes a soda. And tells me about it later. The leaving 50 cents is not really required, but it is a nice gesture. But the other THREE were just gone.

Obvious signs of a coke fiend running loose.

So today I went out and bought a luggage strap that LOCKS. I put that strap around the little fridge, pulled it tight, and locked it up. That ought to send a message to someone. Don't F with my cold sodas!

I filled the aquarium yesterday - on my day off. I did not want to spend time on the clock messing with the thing. Today the water was still a bit cloudy, the silt from the gravel is very fine and the filter is having a hard time removing it. I should not be too shocked, the filter cartridge is really not that great. So I got this stuff that should cause the particles to clump together, allowing the filter to do its thing.

I also kicked on the heater and set the thermostat. The tempature of the water is (or was when I left) holding at 79 degrees F. This is pretty much where I want it. My strategy of using bottled water is paying off, as all tests indicate rather soft water and a PH of 6.8 - 7.0. Miami tap water is hard as a brick and has a higher PH. So things are looking good so far.

The tank is still empty, except for some bacteria I put in. I also added some fish food so that it can break down and form some toxic ammonia - which the bacteria will then convert to the less toxic nitrite. Once this happens, other bacteria will turn the nitrite (NO2 by the way) into the pretty much harmless unless the concentration is very high nitrate (NO3).

Get it? Thats ammonia (NH3) to nitrite (NO2) to nitrate (NO3). Nitrate should be used by the plants, and turned into harmless nitrogen gas which will then escape from the water surface. There are also anerobic bacteria (those are bacteria that hate oxygen) that can turn NO3 onto nitrogen gas - but I do not think my substrate will be thick enough for that. No matter, the plants will do what they need to do.

Photos of the empty tank tomorrow, and as an added bonus photos of the empty tank with some plants in it IF I can get my lazy ass up in time to hit the fish store before work. Work starts at 11:30 AM. Place your bets.

How A Blood Relative Got Kicked Out Of Cuba

People that know me know that I am not Cuban. Not even a little bit. So many people make the error of thinking that nobody in my family was ever kicked out of Cuba. But they are wrong. Members of my family HAVE been kicked out of Cuba, banished to never return again. So here is the story.

It is the waining daysa of the Batista dictatorship. Yes dictatorship. Batista's Cuba was no more democratic than Castro's Cuba. But Batista was on better terms with the US Government because he never met a large wealthy forigen business that he did not like. Same goes for the mob. If you had money, you were his friend. The people on the island were either part of the "in crowd" and had stuff, or they were poor cane cutters with no real way to get out of poverty. This is why Fidel Castro was able to overthrow the system. If everyone really was happy with Batistia, why would they have revolted?

Anyway, it was in the final days of the Batista regime. US citizens could still freely travel to Cuba whenever they wanted. Cuban rum was still legal, as were Cuban cigars. Fidel was in the jungle plotting his revolution. Jet aircraft were still new, and most airlines were still flying props. Hell for that matter, seaplanes were still very common.

My grandmother, one of my aunts, and their husbands / live in boyfriends decided to take a short vacation in Cuba. So they booked some rooms in a swanky upscale beach hotel, and went.

My grandmother had red hair. Which can only mean one thing - her roots are Irish. VERY Irish, for she also had a mean streak that owuld come out when she drank. And being Irish, she drank a LOT.

Anyway, the group of 4 all got piss drunk in this swanky hotel. Now there were also families and stuff in this hotel. And did I mention that this was one of the more upscale hotels? And this is the early 50s, when people acted way less crass than they do now.

Anyway, some how the men got locked out of the hotel room stark raving nude. And drunk. So they started yelling all sorts of obsenities, mostly the F word. Nobody said the F word back then. Needless to say, the other guests were most likely very shocked. I mean, this is a classy hotel! And here are these 2 naked dudes, beating on a hotel door yelling the F word, among other things.

So the police had to come. By the time the police got to the hotel, the women had let the men back in the room. The police told them to not let that happen again, and then left. Back then Americans spending money in Cuba could pretty much get away with anything short of murdering someone important. Murdering a street person was OK.

Now the men are pissed off. And still drunk. So they strip the women of their clothing, and toss them out into the hall. Now there are two drunk nude women outside yelling the F word (and al variations of it like motherFer and F you you Fing Fer, and so on). So the cops have to show up again. But the men did not let the women back in before the police showed up. The hotel management gave the police the keys to the room.

Now the police are pissed. So they round up all the drunk nude people they can find, make them get dressed, and drove them to the airport. From there they were escorted to an aircraft bound for Miami. Their Cuban Visas were removed from their passport books, and they were told to leave and NEVER EVER RETURN.

So there. That is how my grandmother on my dad's side got thrown out of Cuba and told to never return. My mother's side of the family is a little more civilized.

Shark Valley Photos

This week I was able to pack my camera with me on my ride through Shark Valley. So I have photos of the everglades! I saw stuff like this.

And this

And other stuff too. Way too many photos to post here. So I made another webpage! Hooray!

And I have decided to provide a link here. I was going to make you all guess where the webpage was, but I decided that was just evil. So here is the link!

On the page, you will find more pictures of more alligators and birds. And you will also learn how Shark Valley got its name. And other stuff. It will be cool.

The page features small photos for dial up users. Those with high speed access can click on the small images to open up the full size images. My camera is a 5.0 mega-pixel Sony Cybershot, and I used the higher resolution settings - so the full size images are large. A few come close to 3 megs, others are just over 1 meg. Most of them hover around the 2 meg mark. With the 10 megs Bellsouth gave me, I had to shoot in 640x480 mode. With the 10 gigs I have now, there is no such limitation.

I hope you all like the virtual tour of Shark Valley. If you are ever in South Florida, IN THE WINTER, consider a day trip to Shark Valley. It is very nice there. Just avoid the place in the summer. It is hot as hell, and the bugs will suck out all your blood.

Mission Scrubbed

I had to scrub the mission to the everglades on Wednesday. It was not a very good day. The sky was overcast, and the wind was blowing at a constant speed of at least 10 mph.

So, I will try again today! The sun is supposed to be out, but it will still be breezy. But with the natural sunlight, any photos I take will look better.

Stay Tuned

There will be some photos from Shark Valley here today. As soon as I drive out there, and take the photos. There will be a lot of cool gator shots.

Heavy Metal

A few days ago, I came across a long forgotten pile of video tapes. The tabs had been removed from them meaning I recorded something on them (nobody else removes the tabs except me). The dust on them meant that the recordings were made a long time ago. Of course, nothing had a label on it. Well actually the labels WERE on the tapes, just nothing was written on them.

I have been lazy for a long time - too lazy to even write a movie title on a video tape.

So I popped one in the VCR, just to see what I had recorded all those years ago. This was how I became re-united with the 1981 animated movie Heavy Metal.

Heavy Metal is probably the first full length animated movie NOT made by Disney. In 1981 MTV was new. Everyone thought it would flop - nobody would want to "watch" music on the TV right?! But MTV was a hit. So why not make an animated movie that was really just a story line held together as a string of music videos?

Thus was born Heavy Metal. Here is a DEVO song from the movie. I learned how to stream MP3 files, so now downloading the theme songs will be much nicer.

The movie starts out with a cut sceene that is SOOOOOO early MTV. Those of us who remember early MTV will remember the astronaut guy planting the MTV flag on the moon. Well here is how Heavy Metal starts.

Out of the space shuttle pops a guy in a space suit, driving a classic Corvette.

The guy drives / flies around in his classic car / space ship and re-enters Earth. Then a parachute pops out from somewhere on the car and it lands safely.

The space guy lands his car right in front of his home, where he is greeted by his little girl. He gives her a gift - a glowing green orb. But the orb is EVIL! It kills the space guy then starts telling the girl a long story. Each story is seperate, and the green orb is in all of them. How evil is the orb (called the Loc-Nar)? This evil.

This sceene takes place in a WWII B-17 bomber. The Loc-Nar enteres the aircraft and turns the gunners and bomber into skeletons. The skeletons then kill the pilot, co-pilot, and navigator. While this is happening, the Iron Maden song Aces High is playing.

But some people CAN resist the Loc-Nar's power. Like the computer geek who is sucked into some alternate world, where he is transformed into some He-Man type dude.

This is the transformed geek with an evil queen, who wants the power of the Loc-Nar for herself. She ends up getting killed somehow, and the He-Man dude ends up with some other naked animated chick. He scorns the power of the Loc Nar, because he is getting some - while back on Earth there was no way he was EVER going to score a babe.

There are several seperate stories in the movie, but all of them have a few things in common. Animated female nudity, the Loc-Nar, and 80s music.

The last story is the destruction on the Loc-Nar. The little girl turns out to be this chick.

She is a serious bad ass. She is a protector, sworn to uphold all that is good. She has a strange dinosaur / bird creature and a rather skimpy outfit. And a sword. A big ass sharp sword, which she uses to slice and dice some bad guys up.

I do not remember when I recorded this movie, but now that I found it I will keep it. The movie is a cult classic after all.

My Bike

This post comes with TWO theme songs. You can choose the QUEEN theme song, or the more obscure PINK FLOYD theme song. Your choice.

This is a photo of my bike.

In this photo, you can see my bike, my truck, and the cargo carrier I use as a bike rack. on the bike, you can see the saddle post mount cargo rack, the cargo rack bag, the disk brakes, and my two water bottles. You can also see my hand pump.

To go to my bike webpage, and see more photos and stuff, click HERE or go to www.lazyiguana.org/bike.html

As you can also see, my URL is set up. My web space is now at www.lazyiguana.org. I can now post unlimited photos, add unlimited theme songs, and pretty much do whatever I want. I will post the full size photos on my lazyiguana.org webpage, and link them here as smaller photos. Those of you with high speed access can view the larger photos, while those with dial-up can just look at the smaller photos that load faster.

Blog Upgrade

This one is long overdue.

With ny DSL connection, Bellsouth (my ISP) also allows me to put up a website. I get 10 megs of space on the Bellsouth server. I have been using this space to for pictures and MP3s. I FTP the photos and other stuff to my Bellsouth page, then link to them on this blog. Pretty simple.

At first 10 megs was enough, but now I find myself having to delete older stuff to make room for the newer stuff. This is bad for my archives. It screws them all up as the photos get removed.

So I am going to find another hosting outfit that will give me more space. Say along the line of a gig or so. That ought to take me a while to fill up.

As far as this blog is concerned, nothing noticable will change. All the good stuff will still be here. But the theme songs and photos will be somewhere else. I could also create special web pages for some extra good stuff - like photo essays and stuff.

Fun times!

** INSTANT UPDATE **
I found a hosting company. The new website will be www.lazyiguana.org. Someone already had .com and .net. I did not want to go with the .us domain because of the spooky questions asked. Right now the domain name is not set up, so the current URL is a string of numbers. I have 10 gigs of space, and up to 250 gigs of transfer per month. Wow. Who knows how I will use this space up!

Look for some cool photos on the new site soon.

Valley Of The Sharks Adventure

Today, on my Sunday (see the last post about my crazy weekends and how Friday can be Monday) I decided to visit Shark Valley, which is part of Everglades National Park.

Shark Valley is located on the northern border of the national park. It is close enough to Miami to drive to in less than an hour, yet far enough out in the swamp that no trace of the city can be seen. There is no overnight camping in Shark Valley, but there is a 15 mile road open to foot traffic, bicycles, and the park tram. About halfway down the tram road is an obversation tower that offers a stunning view of the swamp.

Everglades National Park is 1.5 MILLION acres of what is left of the Everglades. As large as this park is, it is only a fraction of what used to be the everglades. At one time, half the state of Floirda was part of the everglades. In addition to this national park, there is also Big Cypress Park (administered by the State of Florida), land designated as a watershed by the South Floirda Water Management District (the water management people are finally trying to use their land to restore the swamp, it seems they realize that no everglades means no drinking water), and land graciously given to the Miccosukkee Indian Tribe by pale face.

Shark Valley used to be owned by Shell Oil Company. The company built some of the paved road that the tram uses today. Shell was looking for oil, and unlike President Bush's oil companies they found some. But the everglades oil was loaded with sulfur, and at the time there was no way to seperate the oil from the sulfur. So they declared the land worthless. The company gave the land to the National Park when they were done. The park service added to the road, forming the loop.

You will see TONS of critters in the area. There are birds, tutles, snakes (you have to look carefully for the snakes, they are good at finding places to hide) and of course alligators. If you want to see alligators, Shark Valley is the place to go.

I went there to ride the tram road on my bicycle. I did pretty good! Here are my numbers.

Max speed - 16.6 mph
Moving time - 1 hr 15 min
Total time - 1 hr 27 min
Distance - 14.77 miles
Moving avg speed - 11.7 mph

I was going into a head wind for half the ride. Most of my stopped time was spent on the observation tower. The first half of the ride I finished in 30 minutes, for an avg speed of close to 14 mph.

I attribute some of this to the new tires I got. My old tires were 2.2 inch knobby tires. The new tires are 1.9 inch hybrid tires. The center part of the tire is a slick, with knobs on the outer edge. Properly inflated, the bike rides on the slick center part of the tire, which gives the tires even lower rolling resistance. The tires also have less road noise than the knobby dirt trail tires had.

I could not fit my digital camera into anything, so I did not bring it along. All I had was a small saddle bag, which was way to small for my camera. All the saddle bag could hold was a spare tube, a tube patch kit, a pocket knife, and a pressure guage.

I plan to go back to Shark Valley next week. I went out and bought a cool bag that snaps onto my cargo rack, so now I have a bag large enough to pack the camera, all the stuff I had today, and still have some space left over. I will have photos to post on this site. My camera has a mode where it will shoot fairly high resolution photos in a 16:9 aspect ratio - PERFECT for capturing the view from the observation tower. There will also be many alligator photos.

What there will NOT be any photos of are sharks OR any valley. None of these things are even in Shark Valley. Go figure.

F. I. Who??

As some of you may or may not know, I graduated from FIU. What is that??!?!? Never heard of FIU?!?!

I do not blame you. The school is not on the national radar for any good programs, although the college of business is supposedly decent, and the hospitality management program is the best in the state. The school has a basketball team, but it is a girl's team with no chance of ever getting to the playoffs because of the division it plays in. There is a football program, but the same problem holds for it. None of the games will ever be televised - and there is no way the team can go to a bowl game.

So nobody outside of South Florida knows about Florida International University. UF and FSU students make fun of the place. I call it "F.I. Who" because nobody really knows about it. Also it sounds funny.

But now my university is on the national radar! It is a blip now! All thanks to a professor by day, and a spy for Fidel Castro at night. FIU is now known as "that spy university in Miami".

I think this is good for me and my degree. If I apply for a job outside South Florida, now at least the person reading my resume will know FIU is considered a real school (it is a State University) and not some cracker-jack box get your degree for $100 fly by night scam place.

And this also opens up new and exciting career opportunities for me. I can now enter the fast paced world of corporate espionage. Yo Church's Fried Chicken - want to know what the Colonel's secret blend of herbs and spices are? Hire me. I graduated from the spy university in Miami!

But fast food is not all I can spy on! Oh no! I will also spy on Anhiser-Bush while working for Coors. I can spy on Disney World while working for Universal Studios. I can spy on Ford while working for GM. The possibilities are endless!

And the best part - getting TWO paychecks. I would also get to be all mysterious and stuff. I could wear spy type clothes to my cover job, and plant listening devices all over the place. I could build my own cell composed of employees who dislike the boss or the company. If I am lucky, I could get my spy job employer to buy me a tricked out Aston Martin with the oil slick, smoke screen, rocket launcher, and other stuff installed.

I am going to start sending off my NEW resume today!

In other news, on the 11th I turned 32. My back hurt a little this morning. Signs of things to come I suppose.

Weekend Plans

My days off are Wednesday and Thursday. So that makes today (Tuesday) Friday. Tomorrow is Saturday. Friday, by a strange twist of fate, is actually Monday. And Monday is Thursday.

This is good in some ways, and it sucks in other ways. First the good parts.

1. Nothing is ever crowded on Saturday or Sunday. I can go to Metrozoo and have the entire place to myself. I never have to look for space at a bar, or wait in any lines for anything. It is like having a personal weekend, all to yourself. I can hang out on my weekend at Starbucks, and people look at me like "who is this guy bumming around on a weekday? Does he know what the word job means?".

2. Tuesday and Wednesday (what you call Saturday and Sunday) are "no boss days". Nobody is in the office except me, the mice, the bugs, the cleaning staff, and one or two co-workers. So we can have office chair races! We can also play "re-arrange other people's stuff". It is a lot of fun.

3. I can listen to my office sound system at a slightly higher volume.

This is my office sound system. NOTE - my new Sony PSP which can play MP3 files is not in the picture.

Now for the bad parts.

1. Everyone else has their weekend on Tuesday and Wednesday. People usually call me on Monday to tell me about things that are going on. Do they not know it is Monday? Don't they have to work on Tuesday?

2. I do not get to do very much anymore. If I do decide to go somewhere, it often comes down to going solo. Everyone else is at work or something.

3. I have the time to do stuff, and I also have some money to do stuff - but the last time I did anything was when I went to see the King Tut thing in December. Since then my weekends consisted of hanging out with Cornelius and Fred, watching TV, playing PS2 games, and some bike riding once I have had enough of the TV.

So what do I have planned for this weekend?

1. I might go lobstering tomorrow night. Maybe. It depends on the wind and the tide tables. I go at night because the bugs crawl the grass flats at night, there is no sun (and no sunburn), and the beer stays cooler longer once you remove it from the ice.

2. I would like to ride Shark Valley. This is in Everglades National Park. Oddly enough, it is not a valley (there are no mountains in Floirda) and there are no sharks (the region is all fresh water). Whoever named it Shark Valley must have been stoned and on LSD. The ride will be 14 or 15 miles, on a paved trail. It should be named "Alligator Swampland". Or maybe "Mosquito Junction". But Shark Valley? Come on now.

3. My truck still needs new ball joints! There was a recall, so it will be free. I just have to get my lazy ass up in the morning and take the truck to the dealer. This item is the LEAST LIKELY plan to happen.

4. Cornelius and Fred probably want to be fed. So does Max the lizard.

I will find out on Monday if the days I requested off are approved. I need these days to go to the Miami International Boat Show, and two marine flea markets.

Someone Take Away My Check Card

I need to feed my check card to a shredder. Of course, I will not do this - so someone needs to do it for me. Lets check up on some spending patterns!

I purchased a rather nice bicycle for $500 in December. I have used the bike, I probably put more than 50 but less than 100 miles on it already. Maybe. I do not ride it daily due to the fact I get out of work at 7:30 PM, so by the time I get home is is past 8:00 and then I eat dinner and then it is at least 9:00 PM.

But any good spender can tell you that it is NOT the initial purchase that is the most fun! Oh no! The fun part comes when you have to buy accessories! So here is a list of accessories I have bought, the amount spent on each, and a bonus list of other accessories I still need to buy! This list is in order, so number 1 is the first accessory bought.

1. Water bottle with cage - $8
2. Cable Lock - $20
3. Rear cargo rack - $45
4. Front and rear LED lights - $30
5. Clipless Pedals - $50
6. Shoes for clipless pedals - $70
7. Helmet - $50
8. Hand air pump - $20
9. Dial tire pressure guage - $5
10. Flat tire patch kit - $5

Notice how the helmet was one of the last thing to buy. I have a fairly thick skull. The bike shop tried to sell me a helmet with the bike, but I told them I was going by the "if I do not fall off, I do not need a helmet" theory.

Now for the things I still "need".

1. U-Lock that I can attach to the rear cargo rack - another $20
2. Second water bottle with cage - $8
3. Thinner road tires
4. Sirius satellite radio reciever with built in memory to hold up to 11 hours of programming, built in antenna, and lithium-ion rechargable battery - $250
5. Some kind of device to attach the satellite radio to the handlebars - free to $10
6. Small external computer speakers to hear music from the satellite radio thing >$20

This does not include the crazy idea I have to buy a cheap department store aluminum bike, stripping it down to the frame, then using that to build a recumbent design bike.

Add to this the fact that the Miami Boat Show is going to happen soon, so that means I have to go there. I will end up buying stuff at the show. Nothing major, but I will probably end up with a bunch of fishing gear (sabiki rigs, jigs, lures, and so on). Then there are two marine flea markets right after the boat show.

Oh yea and I decided that I "need" a Toyota TRD transmission cooler for my 2002 Tacoma Pre-Runner. The cooler will cost about $200, and I have to install it myself because the dealer wants way too much to do the job. The install is easy, no special tools are needed and no major parts have to be removed. The cooler will keep the trannie fluid extra cool even when towing heavy loads (like my boat) in the summer (when it is hot as hell outside). Cool trannie fluid is good. Cooked transmission fluid is bad. If your transmission fluid is not cherry red, or slightly darker than cherry red, it is probably burnt. Go on, check your transmission fluid now. Is it a gross brown color? If so, it is burnt and needs to be replaced before it costs you big time when you have to replace the transmission.

And now for my opinion on bicycle helmets. When did they become a big deal? When I was growing up in the late 70s and 80s, nobody wore a helmet. Anyone who DID wear a helmet needed it because of the ass beating they were going to get for being a dork. We would fall off out bikes, get up, and keep going. With less blood. But now EVERYONE wears them. Did skulls get softer or something?

Homeland Insanity

We all know about the Department Of Homeland Security. It was created to secure the homeland. The new agency has all sorts of fancy high tech stuff, some of which I was trained to use (the stuff you see, and some stuff you do not see, at the airport).

But the agency is FAR LARGER than just the airport. Homeland Security is everywhere. It is busy 24 hours every day securing the homeland.

Or is it. On December 21 2005, a 4 year old boy was given the shakedown for being on the "no-fly list". He managed to catch his flight, but only after much pleading from his mother, who assured the ticket agent that her 4 year old was not a terrorist. He did not even own a plastic AK-47, let alone the real thing.

The boy is alledged to have said "I just want to see my grandmother". Obviously, some kind of terrorist chatter code speak. Who, or what, is this "grandmother?"?? Better tell us NOW boy, or else you could end up in a secret CIA jail!

Then on December 26, on her way home, the boy was again given the stare for being on the list. This time, the ticket agent was not so nice - saying "you are lucky I am going to let you through and not put you through the other process". Someone got a lump of coal on Christmas! And then took it out on a 4 year old passenger.

Other people who found themselvs on "the list" include Rep. John Lewis, D-Georgia, and actor David Nelson from "The Adventures of Ozzie and Harriet." Sen. Edward M. Kennedy, D-Massachusetts. Notice a pattern here? A DEMOCRAT from Georgia, another from Massachusetts, and an actor - no doubt from that evil city of terrorists Hollywood CA.

Senator Kennedy had to call several federal officals before his name was seperated from the name of Osama Bin Edward Kennedy.

Now I am all for a secure airport and stuff, but this is just plain stupid. A 4 year old boy is not a terrorist, and neither is a United States Senator - just keep the booze and the car keys away from the Senator while he is on the aircraft and everything will be OK. And for the love of all things holy, do NOT let the senator fly the plane, that goes double if there are any rivers within 500 miles of the aircraft. But in his first class cabin seat, the senator would pose minimal security risk.

And where did this happen? Guess what airport. Go on, guess!

If you guessed the George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston Texas (IAH), you win a cookie. The December 26 incident was at New York La Guardia (LGA).

It is things like this that make us LESS safe. When Senators and 4 year olds end up on the bad list, it trivializes the seriousness of the list. Airline employees could begin to view the whole thing as silly. People with nothing to do with anything end up going through a fine mesh screen - all for nothing. Meanwhile, someone else could slip through the net unnoticed - while TSA is busy looking in Senator Kennedy's shoes for anthrax. Screener's time and attention end up focused where it really does not need to be.

Homeland Security IS a big deal, and it is very important. Lets just hope that the insanity can be removed from the system before it is too late.

More Nut Talk

Today is all nut day here at the Lazy Iguana Blog. For todays first nut story, we will check in on Cornelius. He has no nuts.

Cornelius is doing fine. He was wobbling like a drunken sailor on payday when I got him home, but the kitty knock out drugs wore off and he was back to normal, only just a little tiny bit lighter. He is hanging out with me now, like nothing even happened. He is a good little cat, in the car he just hangs out in the kitty cage and does not meow nonstop like the other three cats do.

For the next nuts story, we will check in with my favorite American. This guy.

As you probably the Prime Minister of Israel, Ariel Sharon, suffered a massive stroke. So what does Pat Robertson have to say about it? Get well soon? No. I pray for his recovery? No. How about "I pray that even if Mr. Sharon can not recover, that the peace plan he began will live on". No. Not even close. Here is what he said.

"He was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the [European Union], the United Nations or the United States of America,'" Robertson told viewers of his long-running television show, "The 700 Club."

"God says, 'This land belongs to me, and you'd better leave it alone,'"

So there you have it! God smote Sharon because of the stuff Pat Robertson said. Divide God's land? Really now. Does God care about political lines on a map? I doubt it. But Pat did not stop there! Oh no! There is more.

The same month, the Anti-Defamation League criticized Robertson for warning that God would "bring judgment" against Israel for its withdrawal from Gaza, which it had occupied since the 1967 Mideast war.

And here is the embarassing part. Daniel Ayalon, Israel's ambassador to the United States, compared Robertson's remarks to the overheated rhetoric of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. And the ambassador is correct. Pat seems to think the stroke was some sort of punishment from God, and the Iranian President would agree. You have to admit that Robertson and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad make a cute couple.

I am all for free speech and all, but someone needs to take away Pat Robertson's access to the media. Get his ass OFF the TV and radio. The FCC ought to censor him, he offends me every time he speaks.

Whose side are you on Pat? Are you with us, or against us? Seems to me like you WANT the peace process in Israel to die. Seems like you WANT the blood to continue to flow over there. Do you support Hamas, this group also wants a war in Israel just like you do Mr. Robertson.

This guy really horks me off. I wish someone would just tell him to SHUT UP. If I were the President, I would invite him to the White House and give him a BALL GAG as a gift, have the Secret Service put it on him, stuff him into the trunk of the presidential limo, drive him to New Jersey, and dump him on the side of the road in Newark.

Now to end this nuts post, I will cut to my field reporter, Mr. Peanut.

He has nothing else to add, other than BUY MORE PLANTRERS! Mr. Peanut wants to retire, and needs those royalties more than ever now.

Cornelius's Nuts

Tomorrow, Cornelius is going to loose something. Namely, his nuts. He is going to the vet for "the snip". He does not know this yet. Right now, Cornelius is hanging out in my bedroom, totally unaware of why he can not eat any food or drink any water.

So what is involved with a kitty snip procedure? Lets find out! Note - this is NOT Cornelius. I stole these photos from a veternary medicine website. Google "Cat neturing" and click on the first link for the website.

Step 1 - knock kitty out.

Step 2 - shave kitty's nether regions.

Step 3 - Disenfect the nut sack.

Step 4 - Slice nut sack and expose ball 1.

Step 5 - Pull ball 1 out, exposing the nut string.

Step 6 - SNIP!

Step 7 - Tie a square knot in the two nut strings, snip off the loose ends, and repeat steps 4 - 7 on nut 2.

Usually, stiches are not required if the cat is young when clipped. Cats that are more devloped might need some stiches in the sack.

Male cats are happier after the nutting, and are less prone to fighting, roaming, and spraying. Fighting and roaming tend to shorten a cat's life, often leading to a violent end at the business end of a car tire or contracting some incurable kitty disease. This procedure is necessary for any house cat, male or female.

Best Of The Worst - 2005

Seeing as how this is some sort of new year and stuff, I thought that it was time to start poking fun of last year.

I will start (and probably end) with this question:

Who had THE WORST (fake) HAIR in 2005. And here are the nominees!

1. Chin Strap Guy

2. Dead Possum On The Head Guy

3. TV News Guy

4. Grover

5. Donald Trump (King Of All Turd Burgers)

6. William "Do NOT Call Me Kirk" Shatner

Vote early and vote often! Who do you think should win the grand prize? I have my pick but I will keep it a secret for now. I do not want to influence votes.

Prairie Dogging

Prairie Dogging, in an office environment, occurs when there is a ruckus in a cube farm and everyone pops their head over their cubicle wall to see what is going on. It also happens when an office door opens or closes, meaning the boss is on the prowl. Cubicle dwellers need to know where the boss is so they can open a phony spreadsheet or some other cover on their computer so the boss does not know that you were actually blogging, looking up stuff on froogle, playing games, or otherwise goofing off. Not that I do any of these things of course. I refrain from blogging at work. Really - I do! They CAN track web usage you know. In the intrest of keeping the job I like, I use the web reasonably and within County guidelines. And all my spreadsheets are real.

But a while ago, during a day that called for a lot of prairie dogging, I came up with an excellent idea. I needed a PERISCOPE! Just like a submarine skipper. I needed a periscope that could swivel around, and allow me to see what was going on without having to stand up.

So, I checked on froogle and found just what I was looking for. The Office Espionage Kit: Everything You Need to Spy on Your Co-workers And Find Out What They're Saying About You, hardcover edition.

This wonderful book has all kinds of office spy tips, and the "kit" part means it also contains two mirrors and a spy listening device. You can use the mirrors to build your very own periscope, or you can go low tech and just hold the mirrors in your hand and use them to peek around corners.
There is also a very wide selection of pre-made periscopes, suitable for the office. These range from the WHIMSICAL, to CHILDRENS TOYS and HIGH END models complete with lighting and magnification, and some that you WOULD NEVER TAKE TO THE OFFICE - unless you work in a very liberal office (and even then you would probably want to keep it a secret).

But amazingly enough, NOBODY has come up with this idea - the office webcam on a stick! Think about it, This would be the ULTIMATE office periscope. All you need is a webcam, your office computer, and a stick. Thats it! Attach the webcam to the stick, plug it in, and you have an instant viewing device. You would use it to peek over cubical walls, around the corners of your cubicle door, over file cabinets, and such. The camera on a stick would also be able to attain viewing angles impossible with a periscope, unless you are very flexable.

If you get a webcam and microphone on a stick, you can have conversations with the person next door. If your boss asks you what you are doing, you can respond with "video-confrencing". Sounds very impressive and high tech, while in fact what you are actually doing is goofing off.

So while I wait for my espionage kit to arrive from the nice people at Amazon.com, I am going to get a webcam, a stick, some wire, duct tape, and some glue. The office computer will not allow me to install software, but someone got me a 1 gigabyte USB drive for christmas, on which I can put the webcam software and a recent version of Firefox web browser (the work computer has crappy IE version 5.0 with java, flash, and everything else turned off).

Ill keep updates of the results here. I might even patent my webcam on a stick idea and start a side business. Or then again, maybe not. Anyone can simply make one. We are not talking about something very complicated here - just a webcam and a stick.

First Post Of 2006

So, here it is. The new year. So far it is a lot like the final day of 2005. I was hanging out with Cornelius and Fred last night, and the boy cats are still here, bugging me because they probably want food. I got today off at the very last minute and so I did not have any plans. Oh well. I was sort of tired anyway, and not really in the "get blotto" kind of mood.

It feels like just another day to me. I do have the day off, I ca$hed out one of my hurricane administrative days. Admin time is fun. The County Manager can decide to grant this time whenever he or she feels like it, but usually there is a good reason.

Like a hurricane hits, or it is a major holiday. If you are supposed to work when admin time is granted, and you do not show up for various reasons (like your roof was ripped off, or your car is under a tree) you still get paid for the day. If you show up to work, you get paid AND you get the administrative time that you can use in the next 6 months. If it is your day off, you get nada. Squat. Diddly. So I like to show up on administrative days.

So I worked the day after Katrina, Rita, and Wilma. I also racked up some half days for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve. Add this time to the holidays I banked and I have close to 2 weeks vacation time - not bad for a job that only started in August.

This year I did not resolve to do anything. What is the point? Who the hell actually makes a resolution that they do not just forget about a few days later? And people always make such HUGE resolutions. Like for example "I will loose weight, win the Boston Marathon, and walk on the moon!".

Yea right. Just stick to the first one, you are not going to win the Boston Marathon. And since "loose weight" is a very common resolution, set a little goal that you can get to quickly. This way you do not get discouraged and give up. Once you reach the mini-goal you can always set another.

This applies to any resolution, not just weight loss! For example, say you resolve to give up smoking. Cold turkey is a hard road to follow, so set a short term goal to smoke fewer sticks per day. Cut back on the number of sticks, one by one, and eventually you will be able to quit buying the packs of squares.

If you resolved to quit drinking, cold turkey is the way to go. Send all your unwanted booze to
Unwanted Booze, P.O Box 430028, Miami FL, 33165. I will see to it that it is properly disposed of. Please, no unwanted smokes. And also no unwanted booze - this is a totally fake P.O. Box number, but the zip code is real.

In other news, one of the blogs I read has decided to shut down. Godless Mom In The Bible Belt will be taken down soon.

Oh yea, one more thing. TRY to remember to write 06 on your checks and other documents now.