Business As Usual

All the fun is over. For now. Today things return to normal in Miami. Of course normal for Miami would probably seem insane, or at least bizarre, to you.

But to me it is just normal.

The sort of funny thing is that the worst winds happened Tuesday. Monday it was just wet. but Tuesday the winds were constant. It was probably blowing a good 20 - 25 mph all day, with higher gusts. I got a photo of some storm related damage I noticed today.

Today will be a fun day. The first day of school. It was supposed to be Monday but that shit got canceled. So ALL the usual madness will happen today, in addition to even more madness.

People here seem to be tards. They forget things. And something very strange happens. Traffic on the highway moves slower than usual. Now why is this? Got me. There are these things called "school buses". They take your kid to school. And these "bus" things also tend to stay off the highway. So one would think that traffic should not know the difference in a school day and a non school day.

Oh well. That is just how it is.

But back to Fay. I do believe I called for a shift to the east. Yup - I just checked previous posts and there is is! It was going to move more to the east than the tracks suggested!

I do not know if I said "Naples or Ft Myers area" here, but I know I said it to people in person. Look for the storm to hit land closer to Naples or Ft Myers than Tampa. I said that.

Fay hit Marco Island, just to the south of Naples.

I rule.

Why I Hate Home Depot

So why do I hate Home Depot? Well lets see.

Could it be the RETARDS who work there? NOPE! They are annoying but at least working at the Home Depot keeps them off the street.

Could it be the HORRIBLE customer service? NOPE! I just get my own stuff. Lets say I need chain cut. I just measure it and cut it myself. Then take it to the register and say "I have no idea how much this is. I asked for help in the chain isle but when nobody came I just cut it myself". Then the manager says "customers are not supposed to mess with the dangerous equipment" and I say "well if it is safe enough for the RETARDS that do not know what customer needs help in the chain isle then why not just allow anyone from off the street to operate it".

Could it be the loose hardware that is all mixed up? NOPE! That makes looking for the nut and bolt you need like a treasure hunt.

Could it be the long checkout lines because the manager is only slightly less retarded than the employees and think that you need 4 people working returns but only one at the registers? No. I am used to that.

How about that "stainless steel" that rusts? Naaa. I know that crap rusts. If I need real stainless steel I know where to go.

No, the reason I HATE that place is that it is an ASSHOLE MAGNET. It seems I am the only non asshole to shop there. Seriously, I can not go to that horrible place without encountering a GAGGLE of ASSHOLES.

By the way, a gaggle is a group of geese. You have a herd of cows, a swarm of bees, and a gaggle of geese.

And the last trip to Home Depot, to get two more sticks (the last few little projects have been VERY stick intensive), this is what I find when I get back to my truck.


That red thing is my truck. And that orange thing is a Home Depot lumber cart. Some ASSHOLE left it right in front of my truck.

Gee, I am done hauling lumber out of the Home Depot! Should I take the cart to the "return carts here" place?? HELL NO! Ill just leave it in front of the car parked next to me!

So I have to move the cart to the "return carts here" thing. Which by the way was very close by.

I saw the guy who left it there. I was parking when he was loading the lumber in his vehicle. His FAT ASS was WADDLING, much like an obese walrus, down the parking lot. But did I run him over? No - for that would be rude. Did I shout "hey you fat piece of shit, get your fat ass the fuck out of my way so I can drive! Your ass is so wide it is clogging the parking lot like a 10 pound turd clogs my toilet!!". No, for that would be rude. It would be the truth, but sometimes the truth is not appropriate to say. This is why lies were invented. For the times when the truth is just not what you want to say. Did I do what every other asshole in Miami does and just lay on my horn?? No, that pisses me off too. When people pull that crap on me I move SLOWER.

No, I waited. Patiently. One day I may be old and fat too. Not THAT fat because I would have my stomach removed first.

And then - the cart was left in front of my truck. Where I had to move it.

Some people deserve the mega atomic super hanging from the flagpole wedgie.

I Am Number 1, International Press

Loyal readers already know that if you Google "uncle festers meth recipe" a link to my lazyiguana.org site comes up as number 1, and that if you search Google Images for "Bush bill of rights" I also come up as number 1.

But did you know that if you Google "hippies scabies" I come up as number 1 as well? I did not until yesterday. But now I know. Same for "mystery truck noise", "Kendall Toyota hell", and "Aquasino bullshit".

I wonder how many other ways I come up as number 1 on Google? Probably many ways. But I am too lazy to check.

And now....for the internet saga of Bird Road Rudy, AKA "King Bird Road".

What's that? You never heard of Bird Road Rudy? What rock are you living under? He is a legend in Westchester, the hood I happen to live in.

I live closer to Miller Drive, which is also called SW 56 ST. Bird Road is SW 40 St. Bird Road Rudy's parents lived down the street from where I lived, across SW 48st and closer to Bird Road - where is apparently where he got his gangster name from. He was a member of the Bird Road Boys.

Anyhow King Bird Road made a You Tube video and posted it. I know you have heard of this because it made INTERNATIONAL NEWS. Here is a link from Singapore, and here is a link from New Zealand. Not to mention the story was on all the national news networks, as well as many local news outlets. It was huge news in Miami, with all the local papers and TV stations picking it up.

And as it turns out, I know Bird Road Rudy. Way way back in the day, he went to the same Elementary school I went to. He is a few years younger, but as it would have it he was close to the same age as my younger brother - who was in the same class with Rudy and shit.

And because I rule....and I KNOW that many of my Miami readers want to see the You Tube video that started all this international attention - but do not know what to do because the video was removed from You Tube. But I have it. So here, a Lazy Iguana exclusive! When I say I have spies and operatives worldwide - I mean it.

And now for a little translation! 305 is the telephone area code for Miami. So is 786. But if you have a 786 number you suck. REAL Miami residents are all 305. Bird Road Rudy is the guy on the left with the white shirt. The other guy is Chuckles The Clown - AKA Tony Logan.

King Bird Road the gang leader was arrested the same day the local paper picked up the story. Logan was arrested the next day. Rudy is charges with "felon in possession of a firearm" and Chuckles The Clown is charged with "providing firearms to a known felon". Both are in federal custody. Rudy is looking at up to 15 years.

It seems he broke the major rule. HE TALKED TO THE POLICE when he was busted. He had to know that the heat was on when the paper picked up the story. The video was put up weeks before the paper picked it up, and the cops were not doing anything. But once the media picked it up - the cops HAD TO do something. So a multi agency force composed of local cops, gang unit cops, State cops, and federal cops (ICE and BATF) were rounded up and they did just what Rudy said to do. They went and got him.

Now this is where he probably screwed up. He admitted to having the guns, admitted that the guns were real, and that he had handled guns many times. Chuckles said similar things.

OOPS! With just the video as evidence, who knows if those were real guns? Not me. They look real, but then again so do plastic air soft guns. Just paint the orange plastic tip black. The video is of poor quality too.

But if he talked, he is done. I thought all people with a history of run ins with the police know that you do not talk to the po-po. Oh well.

But the saga gets better! Now a PIMP has been arrested in connection to the case. When Bird Road Rudy was arrested, cops found some computers with porn. WOW! Computers with porn! That never happens. But this was home made porn. And it involved minors. I do not know what kind of minors, as I do not exactly consider a 17 year old who has a fake ID and works as a stripper a "minor" - but the law is the law! And the police did find a 17 year old chick who said she was a ho and that Gonzalez was her pimp and all. So he is in jail now too.

It just keeps getting bigger and bigger. My little area of the world is now in the international press. Amazing. Simply amazing.

It is not like the Bird Road Boys were even a major street gang or anything. It was a small gang that apparently got its money from pimping strippers and making internet porn videos. International news?? Come on! It must be a REALLY SLOW news day worldwide.

And all this because of one video posted to You Tube.

Open Letter

To the DRIVETARD who decided to pull out in front of me today.

Thank you for pulling out in front of me! Really, I thank you for this great service you did today. I just love converting the kinetic energy of my truck into heat by using the brakes.

You even went so far as to pull out in front of me knowing that there was a very large empty space behind me. There was nobody behind me for a good distance, due to the timing of a traffic light. But you saw to it that I had to convert some kinetic energy into heat anyway.

Drivetard, people like you make Miami what it is. A festering sewer of filth and disease. You just HAD TO get in front of me huh? Well you did. Do you feel better now?

You see drivetard, gas is expensive. And because I haul stuff around sometimes, and I can not afford multiple vehicles, I got a pick up truck. It only has a V-6 engine, as I did not need the V-8, but I do not get the greatest MPG out of it. This is why I drive slow.

This may confuse you, with you being a drivetard and all, so let me break it down to you. You maximize your gas mileage is you accelerate slowly, and maintain a constant speed when you are going as fast as you need to. In my case 40 mph works. This is the speed limit after all. But when drivetards like you feel the need to pull out in front of me for no reason (remember there was this HUGE space behind me with nobody back there) it means I have to slow down. Then means I have to speed back up again. And this wastes gas. Which is $3.15 a gallon now, in case you did not notice.

I hope you get the crabs, and the itching drives you insane. I also hope you never get laid again, because everyone knows you as "that guy/woman with crabs that went insane from the itching". Since nobody would want your super public lice - everyone would just avoid that region of you. Forever.

Wishing you get the clap,
Lazy Iguana.


And thus concludes the open letter. Shit like this happens all the time. People can wait 10 seconds for you to pass and then pull out - but no. They are far more important than you, and can not wait this obscene amount of time! Why, someone will die if they have to wait 10 seconds for you to pass! They MUST pull out in front of you. In whatever lane you are in.

One of these days, I am going to floor it, pass the drivetard, pull in front of them, and hit the brakes. HARD. They will smash into the rear and of the truck, and I will laugh. I will likely be able to drive away - but their car will be done. And it will be their fault, as I would be rear ended.

I will pick someone with a nice new car that cost at least $50,000. I figure they have good insurance.

Who Remembers WCIX TV?

So, you think you are a real Miami resident huh? Well maybe not. You may live in Pennsylvania and not claim to be a Florida resident at all. But whatever.

If you do claim to be a South Florida resident, but you do NOT remember any of the following TV clips - guess what? You are a transplant. Please go back to wherever you came from. Reduce the traffic I have to deal with.



WOW! Only $9.97 for a remote control A Team Van! Sweet! Give me 100 of them. I could probably sell them on E-Bay for $100 a pop!



Only $11,998 for a new custom conversion van? SWEET!But $250 for a microwave?? Come on! That is a rip off! And pay attention to the Publix commercial. The S&H green stamps logo is in there. Remember green stamps? I do. And how about that primitive looking Service Merchandise "Fuzzbuster" radar detector?



Do people really harass supermarket employees about which plastic wrap clings best? I guess so. It was an 80s thing. And is the Presidential Physical Fitness program still active? I remember that. But back then, video games consisted of "Pong" or if you were cool you had an Atari 2400 in all its 8 bit glory. If it even had that many bits. So us kids played outside more than kids today do.



Uhhhh...I think it is too late to enter the contest. And who remembered that there was a C3PO cereal? I had forgot about that.



Snipets? Can I be serious here? Well - yes. They used to show Snipets during afternoon cartoon shows. While kids were watching the TV eating junk food. WOODSY THE OWL! I remember Woodsy The Owl! I give a hoot - I do not pollute. Except for the sxcessice amounts of CO2 my truck produces. Lets not even talk about the boat! That thing is horrible. I might get 4 miles per gallon out of it, but probably not. If I get 3 miles per gallon that would still be "good". In reality, I get 1 - 2 miles per gallon out of it. And then it burns oil. Sorry Woodsy! The boat is here to stay.



More Snipets. And why does a tennis player need good grades? Please. Tennis players only need to know how to make a bong out of a tennis ball can.



Did you catch that? Right after the creepy giant raccoon riding the school bus, and before the annoying little girl telling us how to make granola, there is a brief segment with someone talking. Did you recognize the voice? Yup. Larry King. He used to be on the TV and radio here.

What You REALLY Want To Say

Not too long ago I posted a great cartoon jingle to open any movie. Don't talk, watch. The death metal song featuring hardcore movie snacks that threaten to stab you if you do not shut up.

Well here is another public service announcement. It is what you REALLY want to say to others at the movies. WARNING! This is really what you want to say. It is not work safe. Nothing you REALLY REALLY want to say to someone else who is annoying you is work safe.



They really should play this before every movie. I swear I have seen people at the movies playing on a PSP. Why would you pay to go somewhere just to play your PSP? Just keep your ass at home! Play with yourself all you want there. Keep a towel nearby.

Movie Review!

Reno 911!: Miami. Probably the best part of this movie was being able to say "Hey, that is the Parrot Jungle Island!" or "I know that causeway, I was stuck on it for hours one day because some asshole did something stupid" or "that is not a police department, that is the pit of the Miami-Dade County Emergency Operations Center at the Miami-Dade County Fire Rescue HQ building on NW 40th street not too far from the Doral Ale House". And "Is that the security checkpoint at the cruise ship terminal?". And stuff like that. Otherwise, the movie was about as good as the show on Comedy Central. In other words, not so great. It has its moments here and there. But mostly this movie was a horrible waste of everyone's time. Assholes come to Miami to film bad movies, shutting down roads to local traffic for DAYS at a time. Oh but it brings money to the city! Yea, well not to me. I do not get any of that movie money. But do I get stuck in the traffic? Not really. I do not live on the beach. But someone gets stuck in the traffic. And I am sure it pisses them off.

So please, if you want to make a movie in Miami try to do better than "the fast and the fuckwitted 2" that shuts down the MacArthur Causeway for 3 or 4 days just to shoot a car chase scene that lasts 10 minutes on the film. If the movie is going to be crap, and I am not going to get paid off with any of that movie money - shoot your crap film somewhere else. Like Naples. That is an excellent place. I do not live there.

Bay Day

If you are here from Saur's blog - you are in the right place. I guess. Sunday is not a huge comment day over there, but I may pick up a few visitors.

Anyhow, for todays post I decided on a tour. Not that great of a tour, but that is hard to do here. I do not want to put up 50 photos because then the page would take forever to load - even with high speed access. Plus I had to drive the boat. Kind of hard to do more than one thing as a time.
By the way, as usual all photos are linked to the full size images. Just click em. Full size images are around 2 megs each. If you have high speed access no problem. Otherwise it may take a bit for the photos to download.

The day started at the Crandon Marina boat ramp. I could have used the FPL ramp at Old Cutler because I was with my dad. He works for the power company. But the Old Cutler Power Plant ramp was a bit of a haul from where we wanted to go, and it was not the best day to be out. So we opted to use the public ramp, paying the toll to get on Key Biscayne and the $10 fee to use the County ramp. Miami-Dade Parks and Recreation needs the money anyway. The boat ramps generate revenue for that department, which is then used (in part) to subsidize the other parks that do not generate revenue. It is a good system. Parks are important and expensive.

So how bad was it today? Lets find out! This is a shot I took while leaving the boat ramp.

Can you spot the rain? Look between the sailboat masts. You can see it better on the full size photo. By the way, all that rain was in the direction of the Old Cutler FPL ramp. So had we used that ramp the ride would have been wet.

As it was late in the morning when we launched, the first thing was to get over to Scotty's Landing in Coconut Grove. Here is the boat tied up at the Scotty's seawall. Notice the chop? well this is a somewhat protected area. In a marina.

And remember the rain from the first photo? Here is it dumping rain on Key Biscyne, right where I launched the boat from about 30 minutes before. But at least I knew which way the rain was moving! Knowing this helps you plot around the rain. I do not like to boat through rain unless I really have to. If I had a cuddy cabin I would rather just drop the hook (anchor) and chill out. In an open boat I would rather tie up somewhere and hide from the rain while having a drink. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

Once I crossed under the big bridge going to Key Biscaye, I was out of the open area of the bay. So the water was not as choppy. And to make it even better the weather changed a bit. It was still windy but the sun poked out. The next stop was Jimbo's on Virginia Key. Here is the boat tied up at Jimbo's.

Now this is an interesting photo if you know the area. Jimbo's looks like a shanty town. It IS a shanty town. Nothing there is to code. Code enforcement is afraid to go there. Jimbo's is out of the way and off the map really. You can drive there, but there are no signs for the place. You just have to know where it is. HINT - it is right next to the Virginia Key Sewage Treatment Plant. If you enlarge this picture you can see Fisher Island in the background. Fisher Island is for people with money flowing out of their asshole. On Fisher Island if you only have a three or four million you are BARELY getting by. You probably can not afford to live on Fisher Island with a mere 5 million in the bank. People living there have Rolls Royce custom build them GOLF CARTS. The island is small driving your real Rolls Royce is just not done unless you are going to the ferry to leave the place. But anyway, not too far away from the sewage plant and Jimbo's shanty village is ultra rich Fisher Island. From each location you can see the other. Miami is like this in many places.

And what do I mean by shanty village? Here is a photo of the back of Jimbo's.

Now you may have been to a place that tries to look like it it is laid back tin roof shanty shack - but it is really a concrete and steel structure with plastic "decorations" to give an illusion. Jimbo's is NOT this place. Jimbo's is the real deal. The bar is two tubs of ice and beer cans. Want a beer? Go get one yourself! Nobody is going to bring you one. There is a guy by the door to the beer room that collects your money on your way out. It is really a unique last of its kind place. The UN needs to add the place to its World Heritage list. Jimbo's IS Miami as it used to be, back before the crazy development and urban sprawl.

This is the front area of Jimbo's. If you enlarge this photo the old man in the green shirt and hat is Jimbo himself. He is at his place on the weekends. He recently turned 80. He is a WWII and Korean War Veteran. I think he was a Navy man. If you go to Jimbo's on a weekend you can have a beer with the old man.

I hope you liked this post. If not, too bad. There are no refunds :)

We're Number 1!

Miami is number 1 at something. Out of all the cities in the USA, we beat em all! The Mayor of Miami-Dade was going to have a parade this weekend.

It seems that Miami-Dade County is number 1 for ROAD RAGE! The parade plans were scrapped out of fear that the road closures would piss people off. Of course this would help us keep our number 1 status!

The city that is the biggest loser is Minneapolis. LOOOOOOO-SERRRRRRRRR! Minneapolis will never catch up to Miami! No friggin way! I intend to drive even worse now, so that we can remain number 1. Miami even beat out LA and New York City! We have come a long way.

Now here is the funny part.

According to the survey, some of the common road rage triggers in Miami include speeding, tailgating, cutting into traffic and having parking places stolen. Drivers in Miami are often angered by tailgating, with 63 percent of drivers saying they see the behavior daily. The survey found that half of the drivers in Miami will have the experience of having a parking place stolen from them. One-fourth of all drivers surveyed said that they see drivers run red lights every day.

What is this whining crap? Well this is to the 63% of drivers who see tailgating daily. YOU ARE PROBABLY THE ONE TAILGATING! Seriously. Bank robbers see a lot of bank robberies! People who grow marijuana see a lot of marijuana plants! And so on. So if you see bad driving every day ask yourself this - who is the bad driver? Are you seeing it because YOU are the one doing it?

Most likely. People here seem to think that everyone else in an asshole, but they are a friggin Saint. They are not the bad driver, everyone else is. When they run a red light, there is a good reason! It was yellow! They could not stop in time! They are running late!

But when someone else run a light, they are an asshole.

The same holds true for all other road range inducers. I can tailgate - but you better not tailgate me! I can not use turn signals, but if you do not use them I get pissed. I can cut you off, but anyone who cuts me off will get shot.

This is the Miami mentality. You are always perfect, everyone else sucks. So as a result, Miami is number 1 in the nation for road rage.

My contribution to this is simple really. I try to abide by all the rules. Since everyone expects me to violate the rules, I create road rage by not doing so. The driver behind me expects me to run a red light - and I do not do it. I stop. So he has to slam on his brakes to prevent a collision. And so does the person behind them. This causes road rage. I take off slowly from a stop. Why waste the gas? I am just going to get stuck at the next light anyway! This causes road rage. When I tow the boat I cause all manners of road rage. HOW DARE I drive below the posted speed limit! I should be at least 10 mph over the posted speed limit. It does not matter I am pulling over a ton of extra weight.

So this is how I am an asshole, and how I contribute to the number 1 status. I simply do not care. If someone behind me is upset, I fix this by turning up music volume till I can not hear the horns. I paid to have all the speakers in the truck upgraded, and I had an amp installed as well.

Raining Idiots

It rained today. Yea I know - news flash, rain in South Florida - story at 11. But as always, there were idiots who forgot what rain is and how to deal with it. This is always amusing to me, for about 30 seconds. Then it annoys me. So if you are reading this and you live in Miami and you are an idiot - write this on a Post-It note and stick it somewhere.

"DO NOT DRIVE WITH YOUR HAZARD LIGHTS ON". Of course you probably can not read or write so the note will not help you. Maybe you can get someone to draw you a picture or something? Maybe Miami-Dade County should publish a driving coloring book so that morons who drive might learn something. It is worth a shot, because nothing else is working.

Speaking of rain, we are under water restrictions right now. And it is raining right now as I type this. But what do you want to bet that some ass clown has their lawn sprinkler on right now? Is it that big of a deal to buy a rain sensor so that your lawn watering device does not waste water? And lastly, what kind of asshole are you if you think that your green lawn is so important that you can just dump water on it when the area is running out of the stuff? Really at this point lawn sprinklers need to be banned. If nature provides enough rain, then your lawn is green. If there is a rain shortage - too bad. Deal with it. Paint your lawn green if you are that uptight about it.

I got more Netflix movies on the way. One of them (Children of Men) is a reader suggestion! Of the other two, I have seen one a bunch of times and the other is the final disk in a TV show series. Hooray! More crap to watch!

Baynanza is this Saturday. The marine forecast is currently:

SOUTHEAST WINDS AROUND 10 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A LIGHT CHOP.

Seems like it will be a nice day.

Discovery

So an interesting thing happened Saturday. Because I am insane and have nothing else better to do with my time I volunteered to join the United States Coast Guard Auxiliary. Auxiliary means I am a civilian volunteer, not active duty. I can get a bunch of boat training and stuff out of the deal.

Anyway, the Auxiliary has a primary mission of getting the word out so to speak. We conduct boating safety classes for the public, so that people can be told in a classroom sitting that they need to have day and night emergency signal devices and things like how to read a marine chart. We also go to marinas and give free boat safety inspections. If the boat has everything the law requires, then they get this cool sticker that says "this boat has all the crap it needs". The real Coast Guard and other law enforcement agencies know what the sticker is, and have some respect for it. So if they stop you on the water and they see the sticker, they may not ask to see all the crap again. They know you have it.

So that is what I was doing today. Giving boat inspections. 4 out of 5 boats I inspected failed. But now the people know what they are missing and have a chance to get the equipment before they get stopped OR have a problem on the water and need something they do not have. Like flares or a fire extinguisher or something.

After we were done for the day, an old retired member of the flotilla said he was going to Jimbo's for a beer and did I want to come. Well let me think about that. Uhhhh....yea why the hell not! but where is this Jimbo's place? I had no idea.

Jimbo's is a place like NO OTHER! It is not a bar, but you can get beer and soda there. It is not a restaurant, but you can get smoked fish. It is a bait shack where you can buy live shrimp. Jimbo runs a small fleet of shrimp boats. It is also the only place I know of in Florida that has not one but TWO Bocce Ball courts. Jimbo build the courts himself.

Here is the place on a map.

Click the map for a larger view. It is not easy to find. There are no signs on the road pointing the place out. This is a pure word of mouth place. It is on Virginia Key, right next to....uhhh...OK it is right next to the main sewage treatment plant for Dade County. Virginia Key is where the black beach was back in the not so long ago days of segregation. The area of Virginia Beach closed down after segregation was ended, and was pretty much left alone - undeveloped. Back then there was no mad frantic land grabs - there was plenty of open space. So why bother with the old "black beach" and sewage treatment plant? As a result, the area is as it was. All mangroves and wetlands. And Jimbo's.

Jimbo used to keep his shrimp boats by where the Miami Herald building is now - PRIME water front property. But the boats stank like a shrimp boat and the city wanted to hand the property over to the newspaper. The Herald needed waterfront property with a deep channel to bring in barge that carried the blank newsprint. Government Cut, where the cruise ships are today - was the perfect place.

But Jimbo and his stinky nasty shrimp boats had to go. The problem was he had a perfectly legal claim to the area under maritime law. So the City Of Miami cut the man a deal - move to Virginia Key and he could have the land for as long as he lived. Well all his boats needed was a harbor - and the small lagoon was actually a better place to moor a boat than a seawall (the lagoon is well protected from wind). So he moved.

That was in the 1960s. Jimbo is still alive and well today, and the place is still his. The City wants the property back - but the old man told the City Commission to "go fuck themselves". They moved him from his original location to a place nobody wanted, and now they want it? Sit and spin City Of Miami!

Anyway, the place is something else. It is a series of run down looking shacks. Some of the shacks are actually parts of old television and movie sets. Others are shacks constructed by Jimbo and his customers.

This is the inside of the main shack. If you want a beer or a soda, you go inside and grab one from the vat of ice water. There is no bartender. You grab your own beer. Then on your way out the door you pay the guy standing there. Cash only. You also ask for the smoked fish here.

This is another photo of the beer vats. All that clutter and junk you see in the picture is just there. It is probably used for something. Who knows.

This is one of two Bocce Ball courts. The court is not level. I do not think it is supposed to be level. There are high and low points to the thing. To roll a good game, you have to know the court. Anyway, it is something drunk people can play without too much difficulty. And you can not destroy anything. This is important when the beer is self service.

This is one of those old run down looking shacks that is supposed to part of an old Miami Vice set. And that is a VW Beetle that has seen better days. People that go to Jimbo's sometimes bring lawn chairs and all kinds of crap and use the shacks as a place to hang out. Some are padlocked, some are not. There is also a school bus that looks similar to the bug, and people hang out in there. There was this odd smell wafting from the bus when I walked by it - and the people in the bus were laughing at something and eating A LOT of Doritos. But nobody cared - they were not causing any problems.

Anyway - I had heard of this place but had never been there. By car it is not easy to find, someone has to show you where it is. You have to drive into the old beach, and down this long ass road that ends at the water treatment plant. You can also get there by boat - but once again the place is not easy to find. It is not on the charts! There are no channel markers. You have to be able to "read" the water to find the channel that leads to the lagoon. Brown brown run aground - green green nice and clean. That is how to read the water here in South Florida. The channel is surrounded by rocks and the water is very shallow - so come in wrong and you may need a new prop. Or a new drive unit. But I know how to get in now. I took a sighting from the tree to the first cargo tower at the Port Of Miami. If I keep the bow pointed at the tree and the center of the stern pointed at the cargo crane thing then I will be in the green. No problem.

But even as far off the beaten path as it is, people know about it. Here is a list of some of the stuff that has gone down there. At least the stuff people can remember. There is a lot of beer there.

movies
Island Claws, Blood and Wine, Wild Things, Porky's II, Ace Ventura, True Lies, 2 Fast 2 Furious

tv
Flipper, Gentle Ben, Miami Vice, Glades, Going To California, Karen Sisco, CSI Miami

videos
Ziggy Marley, JayLo, Who Let The Dogs Out, Sugar Ray

photos
Maria Carey's first album cover, Jisel, Heidi Klum, Naomi Campbell

Visit Jimbo's Place website HERE.

Exciting Day. Not Really.

What an exciting day this was!

First, there was that stupid test I was supposed to take. I get up early and stuff, and head off into the wonderful Miami traffic.

I really hate this place. People are so stupid, it amazes me they can remember to breathe. 60% of the drivers I looked at were yapping away on their cell phone, totally ignorant of anything outside their car. So this slows traffic.

And then when I got on the so called express way, it was backed up to hell. There is road construction going on. And by "construction" I mean there is some signs of work being done (crazy lane markings, graded but unpaved roads, concrete barriers, etc). There are also a whole lot of construction machines. But no workers. The equipment just sits there. So this slows everything down.

I know about this. So I left with enough time to account for the stupidity.

But I did not account for ALL the stupidity. The north south expressway is where the "construction" is going on. So I kind of expected that to be all screwed up.

The east west expressway should have opened up a bit after the first exit. It usually does. But as it turned out, some idiot had an accident and rolled a Chevy Blazer. The driver was probably yapping on the cell phone at the time. Anyway, the accident was over. All vehicles involved were well to the side of the road. All the emergency vehicles were gone, except for one police car and a few tow trucks. The rolled Blazer was on the flatbed.

And EVERY ASSHOLE ON THE ROAD had to slow down to look. OHHH! Look at the smashed up cars! Hey kids! Grab your cameras! Lets take some photos!

And so the traffic was backed up for much longer than it needed to be. Up to the point of the accident I was going maybe 5 mph. After I passed the exact point where the accident happened I was able to go 80 mph. Just like that. So most of that eastbound slowdown was 100% not necessary.

As a result, I arrived at the testing location at 9:01 AM. Yes 9:01. According to my phone.

The doors to the testing location closed at 9:00 AM. 1 fucking minute. Had the assholes NOT felt the need to stop and look at the accident, I would have made it where I needed to be with plenty of time to register and get seated and stuff.

I hope EVERYONE who was responsible for the "slow down to look" thing roll their vehicle tomorrow. Really. I do. Screw them. The world will be better off with that many fewer idiots polluting the gene pool. And it will mean that much less traffic, because thousands of cars will not be on the road Friday. They can all stay home Friday and look at a crunched up car all damn day.

Now it is a law in Florida to slow down OR move over one lane if there are vehicles stopped on the side of the road. Fair enough. But people were stopping to look. Traffic in the two lanes to the right could have moved at at least 30 mph - well within the slow down or move over law. Traffic in the left two lanes could have continued at speed - also within the law. But people were stopping to look. I hate that shit.

This is common in Miami. This city has to have one of the lowest collective IQs in the world. The Special Olympics should be held here every year, so that people do not have to travel very far to participate.

But not all was lost today. I was able to finish the "cargo carrier to bike rack" project. I bought the bike rack part last year. It has been sitting around for at least a year. Well I finally bought the bolts, nuts, and washers to attach the thing to the carrier. Ill have to remember to take a picture of the thing. One day.

And about the letter from yesterday's post? I called someone. They are re-auditing things. I think that the error will be resolved. No harm no foul. Life goes on. Computerized systems are supposed to make life easier. And they do - most of the time. Just not all the time. This is a case where the humans just have to correct the computer. And then punish it with "the magnet".

And seriously, if you are going to come to Miami for any reason consider your options. There are beaches all over the place you know. Want to go on a cruise? Use the airport shuttle bus thing. And if you want to spend a few days in the city AFTER the cruise? Consider your options. Try to stay someplace where you will NOT need to rent a darn car - unless you want to spend 40% of your vacation time stuck in that rental car. Rent a nice one! Do not cheap out! Trust me - get the Lincoln Town Car.

If you are going to the Keys - you may be tempted to fly into Miami or Ft. Lauderdale, rent a car, and drive to the keys. Good idea in theory - except you have to drive in Miami. Trust me, take the American Eagle connection to Key West. Once you are there you will not need a car.