UPDATE!!!

The area circled in yellow below fell apart - as I expected. But it is still a lot of rain. It still has the potential to fuck up the weekend.

The County, and various cities, are also canceling some fireworks shows in order to save money. Well here is an idea to save a BUNCH of money!!!

1. Cut the "discretionary" spending accounts that each County Commissioner gets by 2/3. They get enough graft to more than make up for that cut anyway.

2. Cut the unpublished perks that the commissioners get - like cops (with fancy titles like Sargent At Arms) to drive them around, the $900 a month car allowance, and so on. Also - why do they get free health insurance (paid for by the County) for life after one or two terms, while employees who work for 15 years get diddly shit if they should get reduced? At least the employee was (presumably) doing something productive - as opposed to fucking the system up even worse.

3. Bye bye Marlins. It has been nice knowing you (not really) but we just can not afford that $100 million stadium payment. Sorry you have to move to Dead Horse Alaska - but they need baseball up there you know. Bring warm clothes.

4. STOP PAYING CONSULTANTS! Millions have gone to various "consultants" - and what have the results been? How about that roof at the airport! Not a single leak right? NO?!!? Well hell. What about the money pissed away on consultants? Did they not notice that it rains indoors?

People that CAN NOT manage, CAN NOT do the job, and have NO skills are called "consultants". If they really knew what the fuck they were talking about they would be managers. But they are not. Because they could not manage to find their way out of a wet paper sack. So quit paying them.

Or just pay me to be a "consultant" on the consultants. Ill tell you that you wasted your money for the low low fee of only $1 million - which by the way after you give it to me Ill laugh and say that the $1 million was also wasted. My firm is called "Honest Sam Consultants". My slogan is "pay us and we will tell you how badly you just fucked up".

5. What the hell is up with all these "decorative" road paving projects? Really City of South Miami - was it necessary to tear up Sunset Drive for months so you could have fancy brick work in front of the hovel you pass off as City Hall? How much money did that piss away? Probably a lot, because the Mayor's brother also happens to sell decorative bricks, and the City Manager's sisters husband happens to operate a road paving business. And the consultant (your retarded uncle Fred) did a survey and found that 80% of respondents favored the project. Of course the only ones polled were people in the Mayor's office - but hey! That was worth a cool 1/4 million right?

I am sure I can come up with more things you could do to "save money" that does not involve screwing with fireworks displays. And really - how much are you "saving" here? A million? chump change and you clowns know it. It is just something very public that everyone will notice you doing - so that later on you can say "we tried to save money" when election time is up.

Fucking bullshit.

Monday Madness

Monday is here.

And I have a lot of stuff to do. For one, the truck has to go into the service department. Something about needing a new timing belt.

I hate having to go to that place. They will hold the truck hostage for hours, and then demand a hefty ransom for its safe return.

Bastards.

From there on it will just be a regular week. Fairly boring as far as weeks go. OR WILL IT???

Allow me to direct you to the yellow circle labeled "1". This is an area of disturbed weather heading northeast. It is not very well organized right now - but who knows what will happen. Truthfully I do not expect it to develop into anything significant - but it could dump an ass load of rain. It is heading towards Florida.

As long as it does not fuck up the Saturday plan I really do not care. Saturday July 4th there is a boat mission planned. So far it looks like 4 (including me) will be on board. The general idea is for me to get the boat floating EARLY because I expect a lot of other people to be out and about. Ramps will fill up - so I have to be in the water before things get too insane.

The crew will meet up with me later.

From there it will just be a matter of finding a floating party (I know where to look for these) and then as the day is ending finding a place to drop anchor off Downtown Miami to watch fireworks.

Right now it looks like there will be 4 people including myself on board. A friend of mine, one of her friends, and the friends friend. I have already met the first friend, she went out on a boat mission last weekend. We got rained on and had to seek shelter at Stiltsville. The other friend I do not know - other than it is another girl. That is a good ratio I suppose. Too often I feel like I am on the wrong boat. This will not be the case this time around.

But I am good at behaving myself. I can not have too much to drink as I will be in charge of the safe operation of the boat. Not having too much to drink drastically reduces the odds of me making a total ass out of myself - something I am actually very good at.

It should be a good day. If this yellow area labeled "1" does not fuck it all up.

Nothing To Say Sunday

The title about says it all.

Things have been pretty slow here. REALLY slow.

Even so, there is still a list of things I have to do. Problem is getting them done. Things keep getting in the way. It is easy to put of one list of things in order to concentrate on another thing.

For example, the truck is over 1k miles overdue for an oil change. That is something that has to get resolved Monday. I can change my own oil, but the timing belt has to be replaced. I might as well have the oil changed at the same time. What the hell.

A bunch of stuff also has to be moved. I still do not know exactly where it will be moved to, I figure Ill just "wing it".

Next Saturday I plan to watch the July 4th show from the water. But next Saturday seems so darn far away.

Movies And Vet Trips

I went to see The Hangover.

It was pretty funny. At least I thought so. After the movie I was told that it was "guy humor" - whatever the hell that is.

I always thought that humor was without gender. Shit is either funny or it is not.

Maybe I should have asked what "chick humor" is. But I did not. It is probably better that I did not. Better to let sleeping dogs lie.

But really, I thought it was pretty funny. The next movie I will likely see is Ice Age 3. It comes out July 1.

In other news, I had to take three of the cats to the vet for annual shots and stuff. Fred had the shit scared out of him.

Really. He had the shit scared out of him. One of the vet assistants was holding Fred and trimming his nails. Meanwhile, Sake the white haired Siamese looking cat was having a stool sample taken. Sake really hates this, so she was hissing and howling and pretty much carrying on something terrible.

It was all too much for Fred. He shit all over the girl trimming his nails. But in doing so, he did not have the plastic stool sample collector shoved where the sun never shines.

What do the two have to do with each other? Nothing. But yet I skillfully combined the two.

Results

I passed my on the water practical exam. I figured I would do so - but you never know.

Part of the test involved me having to tow a 32 foot twin engine heavy boat with my 20 foot single engine boat. It was clear to the examiners that the two boats were not matched - my boat was much smaller. But I got it done anyway. I was able to get close enough to heave the towing line over, where it was attached to a bow cleat. This was the easy part - the long tow.

To transition to a side tow I had to bring the towed boat into the wind. Once it was bow into the wind I turned it slightly to port. The wind caught it and pushed it sideways, exposing the starboard side. From then it was a simple matter to just inch my boat up along , my port side. The 4 tow lines were attached, plus one more line that acted as a bow line because so much of the other boat was ahead of me.

The apparent ease and flawless execution of the transition seemed to impress everyone.

The key to the whole thing was thinking ahead, and taking my time. I just had to put each boat where I wanted them to be, working with the forces that were around. You have to remain calm and in control of the situation. You have to clearly communicate with your crew, so they know exactly what you plan to do, when you plan to do it, and how you intend for it to be done. Other than that it is just a matter of confidence. If you get nervous then you are more likely to make a mistake.

So at any rate, that is out of the way. I passed. I put a fair amount of time and effort into preparing for it. There was the closed book navigation rules test, countless hours of classroom instruction, who knows how much time out on the water, and so on. In the end it was worth it.

So what do I get out of all this?

A long sleeve t-shirt that reflects my new certification, and this pin.

I also received training on boat handling - which was my goal from the start. All the time spent was worth it, as now I can take the boat out with friends on board and I can approach a dock without hitting it - among other things.

Water Intensive Weekend

Saturday: The day of the test is here. I have to go out on the boat and demonstrate I am not some sort of idiot. People will be watching and taking notes, evaluating how I do. If I screw up - I fail. If I do not screw up I pass. And that is all there is to it.

If I fail nothing really happens, I just get to do it all over again later.

Sunday: The plan is to just go out. No testing involved. There may even be beer in the cooler. I am thinking that the ODOTD (official drink of the day) shall be ......

SHANDY!

A nice refreshing summer drink, composed of beer (Blue Moon is a good choice) mixed to taste with lemonade - usually 50/50. But you can really vary the proportions as you see fit.

Orders for the day include meeting one passenger at the boat club, then heading off to cruise around a bit. Then later pick up another passenger at some other location. Or maybe pick up both at the same time and location. Or whatever.

My idea - which may be over ruled, is to leave early but not too early. 10ish is good. Then cruising out to a party spot to commence hanging out.

As the sun creeps up, and it gets hotter and hotter - it will be a good time to seek a place to hide. So by 11:30 be docked somewhere for lunch. Hang out there (where there is a lot of shade) until around 2 or so (or till everyone wants to go) then cruise another party spot.

Then be back at the docks by whenever. Probably not much later than 5 PM.

Being able to leave the boat in the water really does make things so darn much easier.

News To Me

This may be ancient news to you, but I just discovered this a few days ago.

You can now run Apple's Safari web browser on your PC. This is pretty cool. I like the look of the browser, and it seems to load faster than Firefox.

What I do not like is the lack of user controls. For example, it will not let you change your homepage. Or if it will, I have not figured out how yet.

BEST of all, it is FREE. Free shit is always better than shit you have to pay for.

So if you have not kicked Internet Explorer to the curb yet - there is no excuse. Run either Firefox or Safari. It is free. Just download it.

BIG NEWS for this weekend! Sort of exciting. I have a boat handling final exam of sorts. People will be on hand to observe me conduct various tasks. If I pass the practical exam, then I get a promotion in an unpaid volunteer position. But I will get out on the water more often, so that is good.

A lot of training and study went into the promotion in the volunteer gig. Many hours. What happens next remains to be seen. I either pass or I don't.

And now.....BEER NEWS! Yes beer news. News about beer.

While I was out and about, I ventured into a different supermarket than the one I normally go to. It was the same chain that I go to, just another store. And it had a nice beer selection. So I selected this. From the Fish Brewing Company of Olympia WA, Fish Tale Organic India Pale Ale.

A pretty good IPA if I say so myself. Easy drinking, smooth - yet with enough hops kick to make it an IPA.

The Pacific Northwest is someplace I have to get to one of these days. Portland Oregon is at the top of the list. That city is LOADED with micro breweries. And then there is Seattle, Olympia, and a bunch of other cities. All full of beer.

Stuff Is My Weakness

But really it is not.

I suppose I am not getting the job I interviewed for. But that is OK - I do not think I really wanted it anyway.

It was for Budget-Rent-A-Car. I think I rented the last car I got from them. A Ford Mustang convertible. Really sweet ride. It came with the V-6 engine and the premium sound system upgrade. The premium sound system upgrade involved an amp, and larger speakers. The woofers were 10 or 12 inches. It really did sound nice.

Anyhow the interview was a total abortion. They would ask a question and I would answer it. Problem was that the answers I gave were the wrong ones.

Which really is a lot of fun. You give an answer, and watch the expression of the other persons face change. The expression says "did you really just say that".

Yes. Yes I did just say that.

So it is not a big shock to me that the phone did not ring today. I knew it was not going to ring.

The reality is I would have taken it if it were offered. And I am sure I would have done a great job. I actually thing customer service is important.

Problem is I also think good customer service is NOT trying to upsale them on every little extra thing offered. People just want the car they reserved - they do not want to tell you "no I do not want that" over and over and over.

Really - the optional GPS unit is advertised all over the place. There is even a display unit on the counter top. If they want it they will ask.

But hey - what do I know. Maybe people want you to try to sell them things they did not ask for.

Anyhow, it was really not for me. The base pay was low, but there are commissions. You would not make anything without the commissions. $7 something an hour. After taxes a full time check for two weeks - 80 hours - would be less than $560.

And the new guy - which would be me - gets the last bid for shifts. So guess who gets to man the counter at 3 AM when nobody is renting cars? When customers are trickling in at a slow rate? The counter is at the other airport - so when there are no flights there are no customers. Yet someone has to be there.

No customers means no sales which means no chance to upsale anything. This means no money.

I would much rather have a higher hourly base rate, and no commissions. Of course if the boss said "try to upsale stuff" I would. Got to do what the boss says. But I think - and this is just me - commission based pay puts the pressure on me to pester people to no end, trying to sell them a GPS they do not want.

This is bad customer service and would make me want to go to Avis or Enterprise next time.

But what do I know.

WARNING! Week Ahead.

Lots of exciting crap going on here this week.

Sort of.

In an attempt to obtain a more stable financial condition, I will be going off to a few events this week. Who knows if anything will come of it or not. Maybe it will, maybe it will not. Only time will tell.

The shitty part is that some of these events take place north of the border so to speak. People living in Miami-Dade County know what that means.

For those who do not live in Miami-Dade County, "north of the border" means Broward County. Or for that matter anyplace north of Miami-Dade. What makes this less than optimal is the drive. Unless I moved north, it would be a long commute to and from work. And with gas prices creeping up, and the vehicle with its less than great MPG, Ill be a frequent customer at Shell.

Or I will have to relocate closer to the line, so as to make any commute shorter.

In reality moving closer to the line will make more sense in many ways, as Ill be closer to action north and south of the border.

I am ready for the week ahead. I went out and got a haircut and everything.

Minnesota Zoo Poop Expert

I have been certified by the Minnesota Zoo as a poop expert. I can identify poop from the zebra, ostrich, and giraffe. I could probably identify poop produced by lions, tigers, leopards, and other big cats.

I think big cat poop would look a lot like house cat poop - only it would be in larger quantities. But that is just a guess.

But the certification process only requires you to identify poop from the zebra, ostrich, and giraffe.

You can go through the certification by going to http://whopooped.org/. And keep in mind this is a REAL process from a real zoo. After going through the online training (about 5 minutes) you can print out your very own poop expert certificate.

I plan to frame mine.

Skipper The Cat Update

As you may remember, Skipper The Cat (AKA The Gray Menace) was looking more like a mole rat than a cat. Which was bad for him as the other cats would look at him and say COOL! MOLE RAT!! This resulted in many cat squabbles that would take place mainly in the middle of the night and whenever I was on the toilet. I suspect Skipper actually starts the majority of the squabbles. He makes a game out of it.

The cats here are mystified and amazed by the bathroom. If anyone walks into the bathroom, the cats instantly go to the door and hang out on the other side of it. As soon as you open the door they want to inspect what you were doing. To them, the toilet and the shower is a magical place. Full of mystery - and danger. There is water in those things you know.

Anyhow - this is what was going on.


Well things have improved a bit. This is good because Skipper was looking pretty rough. He was always licking himself. Not so much scratching, just excessive licking.

Here is how he looks now. More like a cat, less like a mole rat.

It seems like fleas were the problem. Not that there was an infestation of fleas here, but some were spotted. So I use that once a month flea stuff. Skipper also eats some special (expensive) allergy free cat food - but he has been sneaking more and more of the cheaper food the other cats eat, and the fur is still growing back. So I think it is actually fleas.

Scratch one crisis.

My Grand Plan To Work For The DMV

I have put in for a lot of things. So when I get email about various applications I usually open them.

But it is odd to get a flood of emails regarding applications. Yet, this is what I got. A bunch of emails sent rapid fire style informing that I was not selected for jobs.

The interesting thing there is that they were all sent at 1 AM. I know for a fact that at 1 AM NOBODY is in that office.

I know this because said office is in a government building. A building where by all I can figure out, there are few people working there at 1 PM on a weekday, let alone 1 AM.

Ever try to get anything done at the DMV office? Ever? How long did you have to wait in line? How many "employees" did you see in the place? Did it seem like these "employees" were working very hard? Or did it seem like they were in a race to see who could take the longest amount of time to do the least amount of stuff?

Thus proving my point.

This reminds me - I want to work for the DMV. I am sure that on my first day I could not only win the slow race, I could set a new agency world record. I do not care how long you have to wait. The way I see it, there are too many cars on the road as it is. Allowing more people to obtain a license only means more congestion. So it would not be in my best interest to help you. Not if I wanted the drive home from work to take less than an hour.

Where was I? Oh yea - the multiple emails announcing I was persona non-grata sent to me at 1 AM when nobody could possibly have been in the office to send them. I remember now. My dreams of working for the state DMV and performing a public service by doing nothing distracted me.

I figured that the emails were sent in error. That is the only thing that made sense.

And today, in the afternoon at a normal and reasonable time - I got another email announcing that emails were sent to a number of applicants in error, and that I should ignore them.

Which is what I already figured was the case.

Being right kicks ass.

Body Soap

I do not remember exactly when I started to use that body soap stuff. It was a few years ago.

I also do not know why. Bar soap had worked up to that point. But slick advertising campaigns being what they are, I guess I just fell for it.

At any rate, I use the stuff. There is at least one benefit to the body soap stuff over bar soap however. No more body hair stuck in the soap bar.

So tonight on the way home I remembered I was out of shampoo. I needed to get more. And I was also out of body soap - which is also why I was out of shampoo.

You see, after careful investigation and label comparison, I concluded that body soap and shampoo have enough of the same ingredients to actually count as the same thing. If I run out of one, I can use use the other.

Except there is one slight difference in ingredients that makes it necessary to keep both shampoo and body soap handy. 1% selenium sulfide.

Anyhow - I go to the 24 hour pharmacy and find the bath stuff isle. I grab the 1% selenium sulfide shampoo, and a bottle of body soap. This body soap was a different color than the yellow stuff I normally get. It was blue. It said "with glacier water and deep sea mint" on the label. Yea yea - whatever. At some point it is likely all the water on the planet was at one time in a glacier, so all water can be called "glacier water". Hell, call it "comet water" or "deep space comet water", as one idea in the theory of planetary formation is that Earth has so much water because it was hit by a whole lot of water containing comets. But who really knows.

And of course, there is no such thing as a "deep sea mint".

But who cares. It was there, I needed it, so I bought it. Done and over with.

When I used the stuff I figured out what the "mint" part seems to be. Just a touch of menthol.

Just enough that when the soap hits sensitive areas that never get exposed to the sun (for fear of a terrible horrible sunburn that will make it impossible to move) you notice the menthol.

I am stuck with the rest of the bottle now.

Animal Testing

So today I was taking my weekly shower (Florida is having a water shortage - we all have to make sacrifices) and for whatever reason I read the back of the body soap bottle.

THIS PRODUCT IS NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

As if this is a good thing. And I suppose it is. Or is it? So I got to thinking.

If it is NOT tested on animals - how do I know I am not going to break out in some sort of rash? How do I know all my hair will not fall out, and my skin turn green?

So here is what I am thinking goes down.

Vice President of New Products (VPONP) - hey boss! Check this stuff out! Smells great huh?

CEO - yea. What is it?

VPONP - it is the newest body soap! Sure to be a smash hit!

CEO - does it have any side effects? Has it been tested?

VPONP - uhhhhh....no? But it is OK! We will print "not tested on animals" on the bottle.

CEO - so, we will test the product on humans?

VPONP - YES! Exactly! Test it on people, not animals!

CEO - OK by me. People suck anyway. Market it to those hippies and we will throw some leftover Agent Orange into it. We have been trying to get rid of that shit since 1973. MUBHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! (evil laugh)

VOPNP - MUBHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA

Mr. Burns - (rubbing his hands together) Excellent......

Now I am sure that the real reason why products are not tested on animals first is that the companies already know they are safe. If all the chemicals in the newest shampoo were already tested once - no need to do it again. Although it would make the lab monkeys smell better. And who thinks that is a bad thing?

OK so you might. But do you have to work in the lab with the monkeys? Probably not. If you did then you would not mind them getting a bath. And if they quit throwing poop that would be even better.