Man Forced To Marry A Goat.

I got nothing for today, so I will pull this emergency post out of my ass.

Now, as you may know part of my job is to keep up with international news. You know, the kind of news you will NEVER EVER hear from the American media (which sucks). All you hear from the American media is bullcrap. Like a cat stuck on a telephone pole in Arizona, or an in depth 5 day report about some inane thing nobody really cares about.

Before I got this job, I thought that international news was boring. But now I realize just how wrong I was.Take this story byline for example.

A Sudanese man has been forced to take a goat as his "wife", after he was caught having sex with the animal.

Am I making that up, or did it happen? Guess now. Remember how good I am at making stuff up. Could a man really be "forced" to take a goat for a wife? Even in Sudan?

Here are some more possibly made up details. A farmer heard a noise at night, and went to investigate. He found a man standing behind his goat. The farmer said "what are you doing here" and the man fell over. He was "exposed", indecently. So the farmer tied the man up and called for the village elders. The village elders decided to not call the cops, the man who was using the goat as a "wife" should just pay the farmer a dowry and take the goat.

Time to guess! Real or made up!

Click THIS LINK to find out!
Or CLICK THIS LINK
Or HERE!

You get the idea. The funniest link is the second one.

Islamorada Marine Flea Market

The free flea market was pretty good this year. Of course, it is always nice to escape from Miami and go to the Keys.

Islamorada, for those of you who do not know your Keys, is in the upper keys. It does not take too long to drive down there from Miami - but it seems like a foreign country. In Miami-Dade County, everyone tries to kill you. Not with a gun or a knife, but with a 2,500 pound hunk of steel going 60 mph - and that is on surface streets. In the Keys, people are more laid back. Nobody tries to run you over. Nobody lays on the horn milliseconds after the light turns green. And so forth.

So here is how it works. Say you fly into Miami International Airport. Here is what I suggest you do.

1. Catch your connecting flight without leaving the airport. Have a great time!
2. If you do not have a connecting flight, consider catching one. American Eagle and Continental
fly to Key West if you do not have a passport.
3. Rent a car. Get on the 836 expressway going WEST. When you get to the Florida Turnpike head SOUTH. Stay on the pike till it ends, then keep driving south. Do not stop until you are in Key Largo.

Anyway, the day was GREAT. Last night it was all stormy and wet. This morning I was slightly concerned, because the sky in Miami was all grey and nasty and miserable looking. But when I got to Largo, it was nothing buy blue skies and white poofy clouds.

I did not really buy too much crap. I have A LOT of crap for the boats already. I mean - A LOT of crap. I do not even know why I continue to go to these things - I have that much crap. I left the flea market with only one or two things that I saw but did not buy. They wanted too much for it. What was it that I left? A handheld compass (not like the ones used for hiking, but the kind you use on a boat to take a fix), a bait bucket, and thats it.

I did get some good stuff. I stocked up on sabiki rigs, as usual. Sabiki rigs are 6 or 8 small hooks on one strand of line. You use them to catch pinfish for bait. At the bait store, they want 4 or 5 bucks for a sabiki rig, at the flea markets the going price is a buck. So I got 10 rigs, I might use 4 or 5 this year. I also got some high tech fishing line (8 lb test) for $3. And some cable ties, 6 bags for $5.

The most expensive item I got is something called the "Firefly 2". It is a battery operated rescue strobe light. When you turn it on, it flashes. It is USCG approved as a day/night electronic flare for life rafts. It is also waterproof to 200 feet, so it will work as a night diving strobe. Now when I go out on the boat at night, I can attach the strobe to my flotation device. If I fall overboard, I turn it on and I can be seen for 3 miles. I already have whistles on all the life jackets. The flare is more for the kayak I am still waiting for. It cost me $20, and it looks to be brand new. The cheapest I could find the same device for on Froogle was $45 plus shipping.

On the way back, I went to this place called "Snook's". It at MM 99.9 (thats a valid Keys address, mile marker 99.9). If you know Largo, this is at the intersection where the Mermaid Marina place is (there is a large mural of a reef and mermaid), right before Largo Honda if you are southbound. It is on the BAYSIDE of Largo. The food there is OK, but it is still a nice place. The outdoor area is nice, right on the waterfront. If you ever get to Largo, Snook's is a place to check out. Sit outside. If you eat inside, it is just another place. The outside tables are under a cheeke hut so you are out of the sun. There is a full bar and a blender for frozen drinks, but I just had a beer.

I Think I Drank Too Much

I might have overdone the drinking last night. The blogger post editor does not look the same. Either it was changed, or I burned off one too many brain cells.

Not that I am too worried. I have brain cells to spare. Drinking only kills off the weak brain cells - leaving more room for the healthy ones. Then again, I *AM* watching Spongebob Squarepants on the TV right now. Maybe I nuked some of the healthy strong brain cells along with the weak and infirm ones.

But I can probably spare a few brain cells. Even with half my brain on vacation, I think I would still be smarter than most of the idiots living in Miami.

My evidence? Come to Miami and rent a car. Drive around for an hour or so. Not only will at least a dozen people try to kill you - but you will see a LOT of dumb stuff. Like today when I was going to work. Some jackass in a blue car was spotted by me going THE WRONG WAY down an expressway entrance ramp. I guess he decided to get off the highway, because traffic was not really moving that well (someone else had done something stupid a few miles away and had traffic stopped up like a toilet at the all you can eat buffet). So he turned an entrance ramp into his own personal exit ramp. If I were a cop, I would have not only pulled the guy over but I would have beat the crap out of him, planted drugs and a gun in the car, and had the guy arrested. For being stupid. And for trying to kill other people who were using the entrance ramp properly.

And today when I was waiting for the shuttle bus to take me to the garage I get to use at work, some jackass with delusions of greatness decided that he could just ignore the signs all over the airport saying "NO PARKING, STOPPING, OR STANDING" in the loading/unloading zone. You see, he was driving an $80,000 hardtop convertible V-12 Mercedes! Rules do not apply to him! So I had a good laugh watching the tow truck haul the car away. I wanted to be there when the guy came back to where he left his car so I could point and laugh, but the bus arrived before that could happen. It was not worth waiting for the next bus just to laugh at an ass plug.

Idiots and assholes. The population of Miami summarized in two words. There are some exceptions, but not many.

Now that I got THAT out of my system, I can continue.

I will NOT go to work on Saturday. I took the day off. I have to burn off my hurricane administrative leave time, before I loose it. I have 6 months to use administrative leave. So I asked for Saturday off.

This means....ISLAMARADA MARINE FLEA MARKET TIME! Who knows what sort of crazy crap I will end up walking home with. What I "need" is a small anchor, no more than 2 pounds, for my new kayak. I could also use a small sea anchor for my new kayak. What is the difference in an anchor and a sea anchor you ask? Why would I need both?

An "anchor" is a metal thing attached to some chain and nylon rope. The chain is very important, for it allows the anchor line to lie flat on the bottom, which helps the anchor dig in properly, and also prevents sharp rocks and stuff from cutting your line. The anchor holds you firmly in place.

A "sea anchor" is a thing you deploy off the stern (back) of a boat while drifting. It functions exactly like a parachute, and slows your rate of drift. You need both, depending on what kind of fishing you are doing. I plan to fish from the kayak.

I could also use a bunch of other stuff for my kayak. Like a suction cup mount 360 degree (all around) white stern light. US Coast Guard navigation rules state that a paddle operated craft MUST display one all around white light at night. I do not need the red and green running lights. I do not plan to be out at night, but it could happen. And if it does, I need that light. So I will look for one. I also want to get a CO2 powered life jacket. The inflatable life jackets are much more comfortable to wear than a foam jacket. When you do not need them to help you float, they are thin, lightweight, and do not trap body heat. But when you pull that "inflate" handle, they instantly fill with CO2 and keep you floating. Very nice to have. So I will look for one of these.

I have all the other safety gear I need already. What gear will I carry? All the same stuff I would carry on my 18 footer minus the fire extinguisher. This means the flare gun, smoke signals, water dye, distress flag - all that I will carry with me. I also keep a roll of aluminum foil on board, because in an emergency you simply grab the foil and unroll it over the back of the boat. You then have a LONG shiny trail behind you - which makes it easy for the nice people in the rescue chopper to find you. I can use the flare gun to SHOOT AT powerboats that try to run me over. Safety begins with me after all.

So stay tuned! Full updates on the crazy crap I buy tomorrow!

Iguana Bin Drinking. Again.

I will admit this right now. I have been out drinking, so whatever happens happen. I will make NO APOLOGIES for whatever I type. You may like it - you may hate it. Either way I really do not give a squirt of rat piss. Agree with me, or disagree with me - it is a free country (for now anyway).
Whats with the drinking you ask? I went to a retirement party at a pop art gallery. The art sucked, I am obviously not a fan on "pop art". But there was free scotch and wine, so it was not a total loss. The "art" was SOOOO BAD, that I would not even wipe my ass with it. Every painting looked the same. Same style. Same colors. Same theme. Same one eye Picasso style profile people. In other words- boring as all hell. But the wine was OK, the scotch was Johnny Walker Black Label, and it was all free. Not even a tip jar.

OK now that we have taken care of the crappy "art", we can move on to some substance.

I might be a Marxist. Yea I know that in America you are not supposed to admit that you might be a Marxist, because that is some communist shit. But the people that say that are idiots who do not really understand what Marx was saying in the first place.

Take these port sales for example. I do not think ANY company should be running the ports - American or foreign. The Port Of Tampa should be run by....the County that Tampa is part of! The Port of Miami should be run by MIAMI-DADE COUNTY! The port of New York should be run by the NEW YORK PORT AUTHORITY! Not by ANY company.

This is a very Marxist thing to think. You see, if a private company runs a port they are doing it for one thing and one thing only - profit. I believe that 100% of that profit ought to go to the local government - not to some asshole in a suit that lives overseas. The local government can use that money to build roads, to lower property taxes, to fund parks, or a hundred other things. The asshole in a suit who lives overseas just wants to be richer, so they can spread more misery and evil on the world. Profit is what one gets when they exploit someone else. In a large company, like for example United Airlines, "profit" is that the top level managers get for doing nothing. Do they fly the airplanes? No. Do they bring drinks to the people on the aircraft? No. Do they load or unload bags? No. Do they check people in and give them boarding passes? No. Do they do ANYTHING AT ALL? No. They just show up. And get paid mega bucks for doing so.

And what misery and evil is spread on the world? Why not ask those DEAD PEOPLE killed by Union Carbide in India? Oh wait - you can't aske them, because they are dead. And all because a company put profits before safety. The manager who came up with the idea to build an unsafe plant in India, where nobody would care about an industrial "accident" - probably got a big fat bonus for what amounts to killing thousands of people. Is that not evil? People are on death row for killing one person - and yet companies are allowed to kill thousands without anyone going to jail.

Now I do not believe that Marx figured it all out. This is why I say I might be a Marxist. But yet his theories can not just be discounted as so much communist crap. I think the man was onto something. He kind of wigs out towards the end of his theory, but the rest of it is fairly solid.

There IS a class war. A cold class war. You are either rich, or you are not. Face it. You either work for a living, or you are lucky enough to be born into riches and never have to work a day in your life. Yes, there are some who through hard work and dedication become rich - but that is getting harder and harder to do. in the 80s, small business accounted for roughly 60% of all sales - today the same small business accounts for maybe 20% of all sales. Thanks to mega stores like Wal-Mart and Target. Think about it - where do you buy most of your crap from, a small business or a chain store? Do you think you are any different from anyone else?

This is exactly why I try to not drink too much. This is the kind of crap I think about. Believe it or not, when I am not drinking it is easier for me to just ignore all this stuff. This is because I am strange. Most people drink to forget, I drink to remember.

But is it wrong to believe that the working man should not live in poverty? Is it wrong to believe that someone who works ought to be able to afford to live? Is it wrong to belive that a pension should mean you do not have to eat dog food when you retire? Is it wrong to believe that a CEO who makes tens of millions per year in salary and stock options, while other full time employees who probably do more work in a week, have to drive used cars and live in rental apartments, should NOT be in jail? Is that last sentence even a sentence, and does it make any sence? Who the hell knows. Not me, I probably drank an entire bottle of wine all by myself.

I realize that not everyone can be a millionare. Not everyone can have it all. What you get paid is a function of your skills and education. The more skills or education you have, the more you can expect to make. Duh.

But greedy bastardism is a result of capitalism. And greedy bastardism is a direct cause of much human misery. Somewhere, there has to be a balance. When I find that balance, I will write a book and put it out on the internet for everyone to download for free. one should not profit from doing the right thing.

Port Sales

Right now there is a whole lot of noise going on about the sale of some ports. The Port Of Miami is one of the ports up for sale. This port is not too far from where I live.

Anyway - one part of me says "who cares". After all, what is this company going to do? Pack the Port Of Miami up and ship it out? And the security of the port is still in the charge of the United States Coast Guard and the Department of Homeland Security.

Also, the ports up for sale have been "owned" by a United Kingdom firm for some time now.

Plus, it is unclear to me exactly what the company owned - and what exactly is for sale. I was under the impression that the Port of Miami was being administered by Dade County. I think I remember seeing Miami-Dade County marked vehicles at the port, while I was out in the boat. This would have been in the cargo area, the cruise ship area has a terminal which I have never set foot inside of.

On the other hand, this sale causes some concern for me. A foreign company administering USA ports? Can't a domestic company do this? There HAS TO be money to be made in that place. Or if the County is not running the port - why the hell not? Miami-Dade County could manage the port just fine. The County already runs a major international airport, and the roof only leaks when it rains. But more importantly, the airfield at Miami International has passed FAA inspection with the highest rating for decades. The terminal roof may leak, but the airport is a safe and secure place for aircraft to operate from. So why do we need a foreign company to manage - and make a profit from - our seaport when that profit could go to the PUBLIC and not into the pockets of some asshole overseas. This is what I do not get.

But most of all - the fact that Bush is so in favor of the sale causes me great alarm. He is going to use his veto for the first time in his two terms now? What is in it for him? There has to be something in this sale for him. Just exactly what I can not even begin to speculate on - I just know there has to be something.

Hello Out There...there....there...there

So you are as confused as a voter in Floirda about this title huh? Well I do not really know how one types an echo, but that was my attempt.

I got all sorts of exciting things going on over here! There is THE NINE O NINE page, the sail-yak I busted out the ca$h for, the fish in my cubicle, and......uhhh.....well thats it. But still some exciting stuff!

And it does not end there! Oh no! Not by a long shot. There is a marine flea market this Saturday in the Upper Keys. Of course I will be there. I got the day off approved and everything. What crazy contraption will I buy there? Who knows.

So where is everyone at? Looking at the comments for the last few posts, I am seeing some very low numbers. Was there some sort of blogger confrence in Las Vegas that everyone forgot to tell me about or something?

Nine-O-Nine Page Finished!

I created a webpage for the B-17 Bomber I went to see. The link is HERE. I took many photos, so at least one should be good. And if you do not like them, go find a B-17 yourself and go crazy taking pictures!

I am still waiting for my sail-yak. I hope it gets here on Friday. I am going to make a cargo rack on my weekend (Wednesday or Thursday) to carry the sail-yak with my truck. The rack is going to be made from PVC and swimming pool wacky-noodles. It should cost me less than $20 to get all the materials. And it will be light, so I can remove the rack from the truck bed when I am not transporting the sail-yak. Then I can go sail-yaking! It will totally rock.

I still need some things for my cool new little kayak. I need to get the anchor kit, the drift sock, a waterproof FM shower radio, and a good quality waterproof box to house my satellite radio unit. My portable satellite radio unit has a built in FM transmitter, so I can tune the FM shower radio into commercial free music while I am out doing stuff. The anchor kit and drift sock are needed for fishing. Sometimes you want to stay in place, and sometimes you want to drift - SLOWLY. It all depends on the fish you are going after.

And speaking of fish, I will get the neon tetras for my office aquarium this week!

Web Games

So you like pointless web games just oozing with cheese? Then you will LOVE this one! HERE IS THE LINK!

After playing a few rounds, do not forget to come back and read about my event filled three day weekend!

Busy Three Day Weekend

Today ends my three day weekend. And what a weekend it was! I was so busy, I did not have any time to be lazy! Here is what I did.

Wednesday:
1. Wake up.
2. Drive all the way to Big Al's Aquarium Supercenter in Broward County (not exactly a 15 minute commute)
3. Buy plants and stuff.
4. Drive to the office, in Miami-Dade County.
5. Clear up the problem with the cloudy water by draining all the water, then washing the gravel.
6. Replace old water with new water.
7. Go home.

Thursday:
1. Wake up.
2. Drive to the AIR SHOW at the general aviation airport
3. Pay $10 to see the Nine O Nine, an original WWII era B-17 bomber.
4. Forget my digital camera.
5. Drive home to get the digital camera.
6. Buy 50 cents worth of freshwater shrimp for the office aquarium
7. Drive to the office to deposit said shrimp.
8. Leave work, and drive back to the general aviation airport.
9. Photograph the Nine O Nine inside and out.
10. Watch the vintage aircraft fire up the 4 engines, taxi past me, take off, and land.
11. Go home.

This is the Nine O Nine. More photos are on the way!

Friday:
1. Wake up.
2. Go to the Miami International Boat Show.
3. Walk around the show, looking at stuff.
4. Buy some stuff while looking at it.
5. Go home.

So...what did I get at the boat show? Well I got some of this super magic glue that bonds anything to anything else, almost instantly. Unlike super glue the stuff will not harden when exposed to the air. I saw the stuff demonstrated, and it works great. It will glue metal to metal, glass to glass, glass to metal, metal to wood, PVC to your body, you name it.

I also got some super cool drink holders. And a bunch of information in the form of handouts. What kind of info? Oh you know, info about flats boats and stuff. I still want a flats boat, but for now I will remain flats boat-less. For now anyway.

But I have been looking for a small sailboat. You know, a little sit-on-top day sailor. 15 foot max. Nothing too fancy. Just something to have fun in on a nice day. when I was a kid, my dad had a little Sunfish sailboat - and it was loads of fun.

And I have also been keeping an eye out for a kayak. A nice touring kayak. Now these are a little fancy. Good ones have a rudder, and you sit inside them (your legs are inside the craft, your torso sticks out). They are sleek and have room for a decent amount of gear.

Anyway, these were just ideas in the back of my head. Until I saw this bastard cross between a sailboat and a kayak made by Hobie Cat.

Now just how cool is this thing? Its a kayak! Its a sailboat! Its both! At the same time! Wicked cool. So I bought one. Just like that. I came, I saw, I busted out the check card and got myself one! I got the whole kit. No skimping for me. No way. I choose the largest single person model (16 feet), WITH the optional sail kit, dagger board (to stabilize the thing under sail power), and the optional wheel thingie (so I can pull the thing behind me on wheels as opposed to carrying it).

But the good folks at Hobie Cat went one further. Yea, I can paddle the kayak, or turn it into a small sailboat - but what if I want to power the thing with my legs? No problem! This thing had two wing like flippers that you operate with foot pedals. The flippers flap like wings underwater, and generate a fair amount of forward thrust. And if I really want to get madman, I can pedal the wings, paddle with the oar, AND set my sails. All at the same time.

You can kind of see the paddle wings in this photo. You can also see the rudder. Usually, kayaks with a rudder move it with foot pedals, but in this case your feet power the wing flippers. So, this boat has two levers - one lever raises and lowers the rudder, the other lever moves it left to right. The good thing - under leg power or sails I will still be able to operate the rudder. The bad part - under oar power the rudders will be impossible to operate. But really, you do not really need the rudder when under oars.

I await delivery of my brand new sail-yak in one to two weeks. It will be yellow.

Hey, can't go to a boat show without buying a boat! Next year I shall get that flats boat! Or sooner. Who knows. But for now I will just be happy with my little sail-yak. It has two rod holders, so I can fish in it. There is room for a small cooler fishbox on the deck, a bait bucket hatch, and more room for a smaller cooler I can keep beer and food in.

And there is one more accessory for it I still have to buy. The folding bimini top. Ahhhh - shade!
While I attempt to save up for the cool looking bimini top, I already hatched a hair-brained idea to build myself some shade. Here is a list of parts I need:

1. Some 3/4 inch PVC pipe.
2. Two 90 degree PVC elbows.
3. Two 45 degree PVC elbows.
4. One cheap made in China beach umbrella.
5. Some stainless steel hardware.

Total estimated cost - $10 t0 $15 depending on the umbrella I get. Cost of the cool bimini top made by Hobie Cat - $250 or so.

The 909

What is the 909? Stay tuned to find out! When I get home from the Miami International Boat Show I will fill you all in!

I promise, the 909 post will be worth reading.

And do not bother trying to Google 909. You will not get anything useful. You will just have to wait.

World Famous. Sort Of.

I have noticed something. The Neo-Counter list is getting rather long, and my World Domination Map has a lot of red dots on it. The only large land mass left with no red dot is Greenland.

And I have noticed something else. The comments left do not really compare to the visitors.

So here is your chance! If you are one of the red dots that never comments - this one is for you.

1. How did you find this blog?
2. If you are a return visitor, what makes you return? Choices include my boring political crap, my pointless updates, or the funny crap I come up with from time to time.

In other news, the little office aquarium got a MAJOR overhaul today. I was having a problem with cloudy water due to the fact my gravel contained a LOT of silt. So today I drained all the water out using a gravel washing syphon thing. This removed a lot of the silt, but not nearly all of it. So I also washed the gravel in the office sink. Then I replaced the gravel, put in new distilled water, tossed in the PH buffer and trace elements for the plants, put the fish back in, and put in the new plants.

In theory, the cloudy water problem is all but solved. And the new plants are better for low light environments. I just hope that I did not place so much stress on the two little catfish that they start floating belly up.

Stupid Shooting

So you might have heard that the vice president of the United States shot someone. By accident. We know it was by accident because the shootee was a rich old white guy - so he probably voted republican since Eisenhower.

So it was by accident. Who I feel sorry for is the poor U.S. Secret Service special agent that was assigned to that detail. I mean, usually the Secret Service are the ONLY ones with the guns around a protectee - but in this case EVERYONE had a gun.

But I think that the media needs to hang its head in SHAME over this incident. I mean, it was a stupid hunting accident. Hunters shoot each other all the time, just usually beer is involved. It really is a non-event.

What IS an event is all the other stuff Cheney has done. The leaking of classified CIA agents lists to discredit war critics. The no bid contracts to a company he used to be CEO of, and continues to send him mega fat checks. The total bullshit case for war, which has killed over 2,200 American military members, countless citizens in Iraq, and wounded many thousands more. The closed door energy policy meetings with oil company executives - who then go on to reap 11 BILLION dollar profits in only one business quarter. The abuse of executive power. And so on.

All that other stuff. Real stuff. Important stuff. Questions that have never been answered. And now we are all supposed to care about a hunting accident? Really now - the accident is a non-event. About as newsworthy as the last bowel movement I had. what I really want to know is WHAT WAS SAID DURING THAT CLOSED DOOR ENERGY POLICY MEETING with the then CEO of Enron, and top level oil company evecutives. That is what the media should be investigating, not bird shot.

Crunchy Grass

It is friggin COLD outside. I had to use the heater in my truck tonight. In fact, most of Florida is under a freeze warning. Tonight the lows for the county to the north of Miami-Dade and to west of Broward are forecast to get to the lower 30s. Tomorrow it is supposed to drop below 30 by a degree or two. Below freezing in South Florida.

Now I know you all are thinking "but what about Miami-Dade County?!?! What is it going to be like in Iguana Land?". So here we go. This is stolen from the National Weather Service website.

Overnight: Partly cloudy, with a low near 36. North wind around 5 mph becoming calm.

Monday: Partly cloudy, with a high around 63. Wind chill values between 32 and 37 early. North wind between 5 and 15 mph, with gusts as high as 18 mph.

Monday Night: Areas of frost after midnight. Otherwise, partly cloudy during the early evening, then becoming clear, with a low around 31. North wind between 7 and 15 mph, with gusts as high as 18 mph.

Did you get that last part about the low around 31? Last time I checked, 32 was the freezing point. Below freezing, in Miami. This happens from time to time, but not every winter.

So anyway, it is official now. It is cold outside. I had to bring Max the monitor lizard inside a few nights ago (Max lives inside when the temp drops below the mid 60s). Spaz the iguana escaped a while ago when I forgot to close the cage all the way one morning. Spaz was fairly wild anyway.

Now I know you might be thinking "one degree below freezing is NOT cold! There is 10 feet of snow on the ground in my yard!". But consider this - I live in the sub-tropics, not the frozen wasteland. Stuff here is all tropical and stuff. There are no caribou running in the everglades or anything. 31 degrees is COLD by Miami standards.

It would be like YOU getting a category three hurricane. When was the last time New Brunswick got a hurricane - Canada OR New Jersey? I got hit by TWO hurricanes last season. And now my lawn will be crunchy from some frost. The two hurricanes I can deal with, but crunchy frosty grass!?!?!? In my front lawn?!?!

Special Message

I stole this link from another blog I read. Just so you all know. but really now - arent ALL links stolen? But then again, how can you steal something that has no value? for example, is it possible to steal a dog turd from your neighbor's lawn?

Anyway, CLICK HERE FOR YOUR VERY OWN SPECIAL MESSAGE.

Now it is time for some pirate jokes! They kind of go along with the theme of the special message.

What is a pirate's favorite letter?
Arrrrrrr

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering column sticking out of his pants. The bartender walks over to the pirate and says "hey captian Ahab, you have a steering column sticking out of your pants". The pirate says "Arrr, its been driving me nuts all day".

OK enough of that. The Geneva Convention limits bad jokes to two per day. Any more is considered torture. At least it was considered torture. Before the defination of torture was refined. But I am all out of bad pirate jokes anyway - so it does not matter.

Now for the best part! Well the second best part. Maybe even the third best part. Or it could even be the crappy part. It is all up to you!

You can create your very own special message and send it to someone. It is free after all. This whole scam holiday thing on the 14th will result in enough spending.

And on other news, the office aquarium is still not ready. For some reason, the nirite levels will simply NOT fall! I do not get it. By now the nitrite should have spiked and fallen. So I will use Amquel+ to remove the nitrite via a chemical process. Then I can get fish!

Understanding

Not too long ago I was having a beer, watching the TV at the bar. It was in the afternoon and someone had put one of the bar TVs on a news channel.

You can probably guess what happened next. Being a news channel, sooner or later they just had to play a segment of a Bush speech. Being somewhat recent, the segment was about this hoopla going on now with the NSA and wiretapping and stuff.

So I groaned. It sounded something like this: "Oh shit! Not this guy again!".

At this point the person who had put the TV on the news channel started to question me. They wanted to know what I meant by "oh shit, not this guy again". I started off by saying that I try not to watch serious stuff like the news while sitting at a bar drinking beer. I also mentioned that I try to not watch the TV anytime the president is on, because no matter what I am drinking, even if it is just water, if I hurl that is money wasted.

Apparently this guy was not very amused by my comments. He started to go off on how it was the president that understands the constitution, not "those liberals" in the senate.

Now I could have just left things where they were. But that would be no fun. So I said: "I do not think the president understands the Constitution. It is written in that loopy old-timey script handwriting which is hard to read. His attention span is not great enough to get past the first few words."

This was pretty much the end of the conversation. The guy moved down the bar, muttering something about me not understanding my ass from a hole in the ground.

But I thought my comments were witty and rather funny. I mean, can you form a mental picture of the President trying to read a reproduction of the Constitution? I do not mean a nice typed copy - I am talking about a copy that looks handwritten. Ill give you some time to form a mental image of that.

So did you laugh? Even a giggle? Come on now - admit it. You laughed. Hell, I am still laughing. Well not really but you get the idea.

All this got me to thinking. What is understanding anyway? And how can the John Deere baseball hat wearing people still support the president? I have been to a number of gun shows, and here is what I would hear all the time a few years ago when Clinton was the man (as opposed to the former man).

1. Democrats want to keep all the power in DC and remove it from the States.
2. Democrats want a huge all powerful federal government.
3. Democrats want to keep records on Americans, mostly gun records.
4. Democrats are all about tax and spend fiscal policy.
5. Other stuff.

But lets look at what Bush has done.

1. Created a massive power base on the federal level, leaving out the States.
2. Created a system where the Executive Branch can just decide that federal laws do not apply to it. Like for example the fisa law.
3. Created an effective system to keep who knows what kind of records on American citizens. The secret "do not fly" list that you can not get your name removed from. The wiretapping. Library book records. Stuff you buy using your bank or credit card. And so on.
4. Horrible fiscal policy. The deficit is WAY UP, and there is no end in sight. The "tax cuts" simply did not go to those who needed them the most. Talks about all the great new jobs that have been created - when in other news Ford recently laid off something like 30,000 jobs. What jobs were created? "Welcome to Wal-Mart, would you like a weekly specials flier?" is NOT a real job.
5. And other stuff.

It boggles my mind. It really does. But who am I to question all this stuff. So when I get my hands on the bar TV remote control, it goes right on Cartoon Network. Or Spike TV.

2002 Bull Crap

In case you have not turned on a TV or read a newspaper - I think I should inform you that there is a big hoo-ha going on over some sort of domestic spy program. Alberto Gonzalez has said that it was perfectly legal to ignore the FISA law, because the wartime powers granted to Bush by the congress authorized it. Whatever.

And the White House has said that the program is needed to keep us safe. They say over and over and over that democrats "have a pre-September 11" view of the world - whatever that means. Apparently, government controls and individual rights is not exactly a post 9-11 view. I did hear a good comeback to this while listening to the hearings. Some senator said "the problem is not that democrats have a pre 9-11 view of the world, the problem is that the president has a pre-1776 view of the world". Pretty good comeback if you ask me.

And now the White House has released that because of the domestic wire taps, a plot was foiled in 2002 to breech the cockpit door of an aircraft and crash it into a building in Los Angeles. Except the President mentioned a different building from the original press release. OOPS! An honest mistake - or yet another lie????

And there is ANOTHER problem with the statement. I used to work for TSA. I started with TSA in October of 2002. Here is why I simply DO NOT believe that there was any plot stopped in 2002.

When I started as a screener, we WERE NOT LOOKING AT SHOES! People were not asked to remove their shoes at the checkpoint, unless the shoes sounded the walk in metal detector. If your shoes did not "beep" the walk-through machine, you were clear. It was in NOVEMBER of 2002 that the first directive to require shoes to come off came down - and it was quickly canceled. Then it was restored. This is a fact. Ask anyone who flew frequently in 2002 if they had to remove their shoes every time. They will say no.

So you can believe the President - that he KNEW in early 2002 that there were more shoe bomb plots planned - but airport screeners were told to NOT REQUIRE people to put their shoes into the x-ray machine, or you can weigh the evidence and make your own conclusions.

The only conclusion that can be drawn is that the "2002 plot" is being made up. A lie, to justify violating the fisa law. Or you can conclude that the government knew about a shoe bomb plot and then trained the first waves of airport screeners to NOT SCREEN SHOES.

Of course, now all shoes are acreened. Even if your shoes do not set off the metal detector. All shoes are put into the x-ray machine. But not in 2002. I know that because I was working for TSA.

I do not believe the "2002 plot" story the White House let out. Not a single word of it. My only other option is to believe the plot story is true, and in spite of that I was told in the TSA training class - and during the first few weeks on the job - that I could not require people to remove their shoes before the walk-in metal detector. Either the story is another in a long series of lies (along with the "the people of Iraq will throw rose petals before the troops") or the government KNEW about a dangerous plot - and did little to nothing to prevent it. AFTER 9-11, not before.

Think for yourself. Try to remember 2002, when TSA was new. Did you fly? Did you have to remove your shoes? Did you fly frequently, or only during the last two months of the year? Do you know someone who flew frequently in 2002? Ask them what they had to remove at the checkpoint. Draw your own conclusions.

Nitrogen Cycle Update

I know that everyone reading this is on the edge of their seat, wondering how my office aquarium's nitrogen cycle is going on. So here it is.

Sometime between Monday at 7:30 PM and Tuesday at 11:30 AM the nitrite (NO2) levels in my tank went wild. From 0 PPM to over 3 PPM. This means the water is probably still toxic to the fish I plan to keep.

But the GOOD news is that there is a reason for this jump. You see, the ammonia levels fell like a brick. The bacteria that turn ammonia into nitrite are doing their job. Once the nitrite to nitrate bacteria get established, the nitrite levels will rapidly fall to zero, and the nitrate level will spike. Then I will do a water change and add the cardinal tetras. Pretty simple huh?

So there we go. Aint science fun? I think it is. And that is the kind of scary thing. For me, the workings of bacteria constitutes fun. I can sit and watch bacteria work (using chemical test kits) all day - while I am supposed to be working. I would make an awesome supervisor, because I can sit back and watch ANYTHING work all day - as long as that thing I am watching is not myself in a mirror.

And this is EXACTLY what a supervisor does. They sit back and watch YOU work, while doing nothing except drink coffee and tell you that you are doing your job wrong. I could do that. Except I would drink less coffee and more tea. Coffee really is not my thing.

Not that I just go to work to fiddle with test kits. I test the water in my tank before my shift starts, and then test again after I clock out. If you are the bacteria supervisor, you can have another job on the side. Even a full time job that comes with a bi-weekly paycheck. Bacteria are amazingly self directed and self motivated - they require very little supervision. And this is a good thing, because the pay for a bacteria supervisor is horrible. Without the job on the side, I would be up the creek without a paddle. And without all the cool stuff I have managed to piss my money away on. Speaking of which, I bought a 1 gig SD card for my new PDA. The PDA already had 4 gigs internal memory. But I needed that SD card. I put a bunch of MP3 files and even some cool old music videos on the card.

Peace Via Superior Firepower

I already posated about the coke fiend in my office. This person, or persons, took three sodas out of my desktop fridge during my days off.

Not that my office is not behind a security door which one must know the secret access number for. Because it is. And how does a coke addict pass the federal background check. After all, at my office security is taken a bit further than it is at the regular office building. Unless of course your office building is the J. Edgar Hoover building or something.

But anyway, none of this really matters. The fact was someone removed some soda cans from my personal desktop fridge. Not that I cared that much - I mean it was just a few measly cans of soda. It was not like someone removed artifacts from King Tut's toumb from my office or anything. It was just sort of annoying. It was not so much that the sodas were taken, it was that whoever took them did not leave anything. There was no note, no quarters, and no warm sodas left in place of the cold ones.

So I went to the drug store in the airport, and got a locking luggage strap. Last Tuesday, before I left work, I strapped the fridge shut. Wednesday and Thursday were my days off.

When I arrived to work last Friday and removed the strap, someone had stuffed a dollar bill in the strap.

Either my fridge is giving lap dances when I am away, or someone saw the strap and realized that I noticed the missing sodas.

Post Eating

It happened. Blogger ate one of my posts. And it was a good one too. All about why YOU should stop buying those old tungsten filament light bulbs and go power compact! You can save a little bit of money and electricity.

But if everyone did this nation wide, the savings are huge. Fat people at an all-you-can-eat buffet huge. Maybe even larger.

If you were able to read the post - GREAT! If not complain to blogger. Something screwy happened. I will re-post the highlights.

1. A 23 watt power compact light puts out the same amount of light as a 100 watt filament bulb.
2. If everyone in America changed three 100 watt filament bulbs for three 23 watt power compact lights, the energy savings nation-wide would be equal to the output of 11 coal burning power plants. This assumes that the lights burn for 5 hours a day.
3. In a year, your savings would vary depending on how much you pay for electricity - but it would be fair to estimate your savings to be about $15.

And so on. CLICK HERE if you care to read more.

I made the blog smaller. The main page now only goes back 5 days. And now that I have the cool lazyiguana.org webpage, fewer photos will be here - and the photos will be a little smaller. The result should be a much faster loading page. My ultimate goal is to keep the size of this page UNDER 250k.

My office tank has still NOT cycled! I have no idea what the hell is taking so long. I am going to ask the fish store for some filter sponge squeezings on Wednesday. The filter sponges at the store should be full of good bacteria and stuff.

At my place of employment, there are all sorts of stores. This is not exactly good for me. I am weak. I see stuff, and I buy it. There is one store where everything is $10. It is called the "$10 Botique". It is like a dollar store, but it is in an airport so it is more expensive and has better stuff. I have bought 7 ties from that place, and there are 2 more I saw today that I want. They are 100% silk ties, so $10 is not a bad price at all. And I get an employee discount of 10%, so for me everything is $9.

But today was over the top. This place opened up called "Airport Wireless". They sell Palm PDA stuff and accessories. And all sorts of other stuff. Bluetooth headsets. Bluetooth keyboards. SD memory. Software for Palm PDAs. Stuff like that.

So I bought this.

This device has 4 gigs of onboard memory. I can load an assload of MP3 files into it, or even movies if I use DVD Shrink. The screen is small, so I can compress the crap out of a movie and it will still look good. There is software that will take a movie on DVD and make it less than 200 megs. Yea, you loose a lot of resolution - but you would not notice that on the PDA screen.

So now I can put all the phone numbers I need at work on the PDA. Yea, the little briefcase thing I have did the same thing, and for a lot less money - but the PDA is smaller. And lighter. And cooler looking. And I look more important with the PDA than the little notebook / briefcase thing.

Something Screwy This Way Comes

Due to some sort of technical issue, nobody was able to post comments for the last thing I wrote. It seems that while the post shows up on the blog page, it is not really there.

Anyway - post your comments here. If you want.

Skunked

Last night (Wednesday) I took the boat out on a nocturnal voyage. I have taken the boat out at night exactly two times. The first night out was not intentional, I was camping in Biscayne National Park with some friends and got back late. I planned to be at the campsite by dusk, but it did not work out that way. Darkness came and I was still out on the water. That time out was fairly stressful.

But this time I planned to be out at night. The idea was to find a grassflat, and try to bully net some lobster. No problem - I am good at finding grassflats. I usually find them while trying to AVOID them.

Except this time I could not really find any shallow grass flats. I was TRYING to run aground, and I could not. No matter what I did, I could not find water shallower than four feet.

So to re-cap, in the daytime while trying to not hit any shallows, I hit the shallows. At night, while trying to find the shallows - I can't. There is no justice in the world.

Anyhow, I did not catch any lobster. The water was too deep to clearly see the bottom, and even if I did see a lobster netting it would have been a trick. For bully netting, it helps to have fairly shallow water.

I did have some fishing poles. I did not catch any fish, but my fishing buddy did. He managed to catch an undersize red snapper and a baby hammerhead shark. Both fish were tossed back.

Navigating at night was not nearly as stressful this time out. This was mainly due to the way cool GPS chartplotter I have. The chartplotter shows me a detailed marine chart, and exactly where I am on that chart. This is VERY nice. Last time out at night I had to do with a handheld GPS with a small screen I could not see when the boat was underway, and whatever ATONs (aids to navigation) I could see. Some ATONs have flashing lights, some do not.

This time it was great. The chartplotter has all the ATONs on the display. The display is large enough to be readable even when the boat is moving. All I had to worry about was any floating garbage in the water (2x4 planks being the most common). I did not hit anything.

I might try to get out again before lobster season ends. I have till March 31. But next time, I will go out on a low tide night. I think that I was over some good flats, but since it was high tide the water was just a little too deep. I know I can run aground at night during a low tide if I really try hard.

I Have A Dream Too.

Not to take away anything from Dr. King, I also have a dream. A dream for a better America. Here it is.

I have a dream that nobody watches the Oscars on TV. Not a single camera is at the "red carpet" when the attendees, most having IQs slightly lower than a retarded horse, arrive. In my dream, Americans discover that there are hundreds of more important things that could be doing at that time. Like cleaning the dust from under the sofa for example. Hollywood has their awards ceremony, and NOBODY CARES. Those idiots arrive wearing jewelry and clothing that cost more than most Americans make in a year of working - just to be noticed. Lets not notice them this year ok? Read a book or something, keep the TV off.

In my dream, nobody watches the Stupid Bowl. Who really cares who wins. Do you own the team? Do you play for the team? Will you get anything if the team wins? Will the sun still rise the next day if "your team" looses? Now I can understand that those who have money on the game might care. But if you are not gambling on the game, what is the point? Do you go to Vegas and watch other people play on a slot machine? Probably not. You only pay attention to a slot machne if you put money into it. To me the Super Bowl is a giant slot machine - one that I do not put any money into.

In my dream, all the super expensive commercials go unwatched. Nobody sees them because nobody watches the game. Millions in marketing money is flushed. Ratings books show a big ZERO for the time slot. Nobody watches, and nobody cares. As a result, men who make a living playing with balls make no more per year than public school teachers. In Miami, being a public school teacher is barely gainful employment. The rule of thumb is to spend no more than what you make in one week on rent per month, in order to not retire poor. As a teacher in Miami, you can not do this. An illegal apartment no bigger than an economy hotel room, attached to a single family house rents for more than a teacher makes unless the teacher has more than 5 years on the job. Some mouth breathing foul mouthed jug head who can throw a ball makes millions. And we wonder why our great nation is loosing our edge to places like India and China.

And all those people who were offended 2 years ago by the "super boob" incident - this is directed to you. Did you watch the Super Bowl last year? Will you watch it again this year? If so, why? Do you not care about your children, or the children of others? Do you enjoy supporting smut on over the air TV? After all, if nobody watched the game there would be no half-time show, and therefore no chance for a boob to pop out and offend the morality on America. Hairy nasty man boobs on the beach are OK right? After all - they are MANLY! Fat men in speedos are not offensive, no matter how large their man boobs are. But a female boob - GROSS! Put that thing away! It is offensive! We do not want to see those!

In my dream, people are allowed to disagree with the President, whoever that President happens to be. During the State Of The Union speech, Cindy Sheehan was arrested and charged with "disorderly conduct" because she entered the house chamber (she was invited to watch the speech) wearing a t-shirt with a stop sign printed on it. Wearing a shirt is now "disorderly conduct" in the land of the free. She was held by police for long after the speech was over. She was charged with "disorderly conduct" BEFORE she did anything disorderly. Of course, this action fits in perfectly with what is going on now. Bush sent troops into Iraq because of what might happen, sometime in the future - and Cindy was arrested for something she might have done during the speech. Nevermind that she did not actually do anything - other than wear a non-approved shirt. That is not important. She MIGHT HAVE booed during the speech.
Or worse. Better to play it safe and just have her arrested and charged with what she might have done, before she could do it. That way we are safe in the homeland.

In my dream, our priorties are put in order. Before a dime of public money is spent for a stadium, teachers all get a raise. We say education is important, but then do not back that up by putting money where it is needed the most. In Miami, there are public parks that are fenced off because there is not any money to maintain them (mostly in the darker areas of town by the way), while some looser baseball team wants hundreds of millions to build a new stadium. In my dream, public money is spent on the PUBLIC, not on a free business to make someone with hundreds of millions even more money. Trickle Down theory works - but the only thing that trickles down is urine.

In my dream, more students care about math and science grades than the high school football team. The popular kids are those with the best grades, not those who are on the verge of dropping out. The "big money" lies not in basketball, but in engineering. China will kick our ass in a few decades on the path we are on now. Things need to change, and they need to change fast.

Of course I realize that everything above is a dream. Nothing more. Nothing will change. Things will continue on the path they are on now. And by the time most Americans pull their head out of their ass and wake up to what is going on, it will be too late. Chinese will be the language of business, not english. Already, prudent business people are hiring chinese housekeepers to look after their infants and young children.