Addiction.

For some reason, I decided to give up soda.

This is a bold statement. Soda for me is like Oxycontin to Rush Limbaugh. You know, one is never enough. I could sit around and pop open soda cans all day. The only problem is having to get up to pee all the time.

In my office, I got a little fridge for my desktop. It holds six 12 ounce cans of whatever. I had been using it to hold soda, because I do not drink beer that comes in a can and even if I did - I AM AT WORK! I do have a little self control.

But just one kind of soda is not enough. I started out with a 12 pack of Coca-Cola. But then I thought "HEY! I can put 6 cans in this thing! Why limit myself to just Coca-Cola"

So I went out and bought a 12 pack of Cherry Coke, Coca-Cola with lime, Vanillia Coke, Classic Coke, Cream Soda, and Root Beer. Choice is always better!! 6 can capacity, and 6 choices. Life was pretty good.

Anyway, I noticed that I went through a lot of cans. At least 2 or 3 sodas per day. Now each soda is around 200 calories, so that is 600 calories per day of just liquid. And that is not all - it is all sugar and acid. Talk about bad for your teeth! Coca-Cola will dissolve a human tooth overnight. If you place a chicken bone in a glass of Coca-Cola overnight it will dissolve enough calcium to make the bone more like rubber. Seriously. Try it yourself.

One of the things in Coca-Cola (and most soda for that matter) contains phosphoric acid. Acid dissolves calcium carbonate - which is pretty much what your bones are made from.

So we know that soda is like liquid death in a can. Tasty fizzy liquid death in a can. Well not exactly "liquid death", but nobody will argue that the stuff is good for you.

Therefore, I decided to cut back. Way back. But here lies the problem. I think I can give up the sugar. Really. I do not eat a lot of candy. I can look at the candy bars in the supermarket and not buy any of them. I drink my tea without sugar, and do not put much in my coffee.

The problem is the fizzy. After careful research, I concluded that it is the fizzy I am addicted to. I mean beer is not exactly "sweet", and I like that stuff. Why? Has to be the fizzy.

I am a carbon dioxide addict.

So realizing my addiction to fizzy, I realized that the best way to deal with it was to just accept it and live with it.

This is not as bad as it seems. I found something that I can drink at work, that has plenty of fizz, and is low in stuff bad for your spleen. Oh I forgot to mention - I HATE DIET CRAP! Diet soda is horrible.

The good people at Canada Dry make seltzer water. Thats right, plain old water with a dose of fizz. So that is what I am drinking at work now. Fizzy water with no sugar or sodium or acid. Kind of boring, but what the heck. It works for me.

And this brings up my final point. What is up with Perrier? The label says "Mineral Water" and it also says "Low Mineral Content". So what is the stuff? Low Mineral Content Mineral Water? Is that not the same as seltzer water? But whatever it is, unless they sell it in 12 ounce cans it will not fit in my fridge. So I will just stick to the stuff from Canada Dry.

Yall Best Not Put That Thar Sticker On Yer Car If'in Ya Know What Is Best Fer Ya!

So an alert commenter asked what happened to my "No More Bushit" sticker. This sticker lived on my old car, a 1987 Honda Accord. I got the sticker in the 90s, when that evil Clinton who lied about sex but never started a war was still in office.

The sticker was related to Jeb Bush's push to be the Governor of Florida. I really did not like that sticker too much, but put it on the Honda anyway. I used the sticker to cover up a rust hole. The Honda has a pretty bad cancer problem towards the end of its life. The sticker probably prevented a small rust hole from turning the car into a convertible - without the rag top.

Anyway, I had forgotten all about that sticker. Then the comment surfaced. So I did some internet sluthing and came up with this story from The Athens Banner-Herald, in lovely progressive Athens Georgia.

Yes, I know that the link I gave does not go to the Athens Banner-Herald but work with me here. The link will take you to The Progressive, but that is only because to get on the Banner-Herald's site you have to register with them and stuff. It is a big hassle just to see one little story. So I linked to The Progressive, and they have a link to the actual newspaper if you want to register for an account.

Anyway, the story is about a nurse who was pulled over and given a $100 ticket for having a "lewd decal" on her car. And what was this "lewd decal"?

Not exactly a sticker I would choose for display on my vehicle, but to each their own. I prefer stickers like this.

See how much funnier my sticker choices are? You get the words AND a funny picture of Bush all on the same sticker. When you have limited space for political statements on your vehicle, every sticker has to count! Unlike votes, which from now on shall only be counted if they are approved by Homeland Security Department Of Internal Stability.

Anyway, getting back to the nurse in Georgia - she was pulled over and ticketed for a bumper sticker with a clear political slant to it. During the incident she told the officer that she would not discuss the sticker, and to just give her the ticket. So the cop did. Under offence the officer wrote "Lewd Decal".

The nurse has no intention of paying the ticket, and that no-good ACLU has stepped in. According to the ACLU lawyer, in 1991 the Georgia Supreme Court struck down the lewd sticker law after someone sued for being ticketed for a "Shit Happens" sticker.

In otherwords, according to the ACLU lawyer the woman was ticketed because of a law that the State Supreme Court struck down over a decade ago. Clearly the ACLU is evil and must be stopped at all costs! Why, if the police can not just go around making up laws whenever they feel like it what would this country turn into?!?!?!

And what did the police department have to say aobut it? “We don’t comment on other officers’ tickets,” says Officer Herschel Grangent, who handles media affairs. “That officer is making his decision on the street. And it’s going through legal channels now.”

But the nurse is a clear trouble maker. She says that her 20 year old son was pulled over in Athens Georgia because of a sticker he had on his car. The officer told him to either remove the sticker OR be arrested. He removed the sticker. Apparently, they take their sticker laws seriously in Georgia! And what was this horrible sticker the dude had?

If woman is telling the truth about her son and this sticker, it seems that you DO NOT want to say "Bush Sucks" in Georgia. As for the second part of the sticker "Dick Cheney Too" goes, what is lewd about this? The Vice President's first name IS DICK! Nobody calls him Richard Cheney after all.

So depending on where you put the comma or period in that sticker, you may be a LAWBREAKER! In Georgia at least.

Moral of the story - STAY THE HELL OUT OF GEORGIA! Go to another state to spend your money. If you fly somewhere and the layover is in Atlanta, pick another airline or a direct flight. And whatever you do, stop at the state line and pick up a Georgia spproved bumper sticker cover if you have any "offensive" stickers.

And by "offensive" I mean anything that is critical of the King.

What The Hell did We Do, And For What Reason?

Democracy is on the march. That is what George Bush would say about Afghanistan. After all, the Taliban is gone. There were elections. The people choose a government. Afghanistan has a constitution.

How could any of this be bad? Those no good "liberals" who wanted things in Afghanistan to fail lost. Right? This is what Bush has been saying. Victory. Mission accomplished. Right?

Wrong. All bullshit. Afghanistan is not any better off now than under the Taliban. The mission to "spread freedom and democracy" has totally failed.

The neo-conservatives like to talk about Edmund Burke. Mr. Burke was part of the Whig Party back in the late 1700s. If the neo-cons were to truly read AND understand what Mr. Burke was saying, they would realize that Mr. Burke said the French Revolution would not work because one can not just overthrow a government and set up something totally different and expect it to work. And Mr. Burke was correct - the French Revolution paved the way for the reign Of Terror and the many beheadings.

The American Revolution worked ONLY because of the Magna Carta of 1215. The Magna Carta limited the power of the King Of England. Over the centuries, the powers of the king were further limited - so the idea of a President elected by the people in 1776 was not exactly an "out there" idea.

What Burke had to say about the French revolution is that the people of France should just accept the fact that there was a king, and deal with it. Limit the King's power, and chip away at the kingly powers slowly and over time.

In other words, ideas like freedom and democracy are just that - IDEAS. Fact on the other hand is fact.

But obviously George Bush does not know this. And because he does not understand the foundation of the very system he represents, he is doomed to be remembered as the biggest failure of any American President.

Lets just take Afghanistan for an example. According to afghan law, POST TALIBAN, it is possible to be sentenced to DEATH for the crime of converting from Islam to Christianity.

This is progress? This is why Americans are risking their lives to "spread freedom"? And if this is what is going on in Afghanistan, where according to President Dumb Shit things are going so well, hat hope do we hold to Iraq?

Face it - this war is a total failure. Freedom and/or democracy can not just be instantly imposed on a region of the world through force. Edmund Burke knew this in 1790- - too bad Bush does not know this today.

Seeing as how I DO get international readers to my blog, I would like to say this:

Dear International Reader,

Not all Americans are dumb as a post. Not all Americans support this mad man who seems to have usurped power. We, the sane Americans, sincerely apologize for all that George Bush has done, and we only hope you can forgive America for "electing" the asshole in the first place.

Country Music Insanity

The Dixie Chicks are back.

For those that do not remember, here is a short timeline. Before 2003, the Dixie Chicks were huge. And I do not mean huge as in Kirstie Alley. They were huge as in fame. Every hick east and west of the Mississippi River could just not get enough of the Chicks. Their shows all sold out, their CDs sold like crack in Detroit, and they were always on the country music charts.

But then one of the Chicks sad a bad thing about the messiah. Just like the cartoonist who drew a picture of "the Prophit Mohammad", The Chicks were suddenly getting death threats. Yes, death threats. Suddenly, the legions of toothless loyal fans were burning their CDs, refusing to go to shows, demanding that radio stations stop playing The Chicks, and calling for The Chicks to just leave America if'in they don't like it here.

And why? What did they say? What could they possibly have said or done to justify getting death threats? They said something against Bush. The lead singer Maines told a London audience on the eve of the war in Iraq that the group was "ashamed" the president was from their home state of Texas.

Now lets consider what would have happened if The Chicks had said something against Jacques Chirac. Like if she had said "We should stuff an umbrella up the ass of that no good cheese eating Jacques Chirac and then OPEN IT!". There would have been massive cheering and much shooting of six guns in the air. The "YEEEE-HAW!s" would have lasted for days. Of course, the country music fans would have mistaken Chirac for this guy

I doubt that many of the fans would have known the difference between a French marine biologist and a French President.

But she did not suggest sticking an umbrella up the ass of someone who disagreed with Bush (AND who by the way turned out to be correct) - she said she was ashamed Bush was from Texas. Even if Bush is NOT A TEXAN, he was born in NEW HAVEN CT. His father was born in Boston MA. Both Jr. and Sr. are YANKEES! George W. Bush is a Texan like I am an albino eskimo from Tahiti. But do not confuse the toothless with facts.

Anyway, the Chicks have a new album. The single released to the radio stations is titled "Not Ready To Make Nice". As you can probably guess from the title, they are not ready to make nice. Many country format station are avoiding adding the song to the rotation. But that is OK, because the producer of the album is better known for rap and rock albums than country albums.

In spite of the stations that will not play the song, it has managed to get to number 36 on the country charts. I guess some stations are playing it.

What makes me chuckle the most is the reaction the rebel flag waving crowd had after someone made a negative comment about a carpet bagging yankee who moved to Texas, bought a ranch and a cowboy hat, and then claimed to be "one of them". It still makes me laugh.

By the way, CLICK HERE to hear a country music song that you have never heard before, and todays post theme song.

The Lunatic Is On The Grass.

Just in case you missed the President's last press conference - I will repost some of it here, along with expert commentary by me. I am an expert commentator. So I will comment. Ill let you know when I am commenting.

First some background. This is an exchange from The President and a little old lady in the Washington Press Corps. The little old lady's name seems to be Helen. At least that is what the President calls her. For all we know her name is actually "Betty" or maybe even Joanne".

LITTLE OLD LADY: I'd like to ask you, Mr. President, your decision to invade Iraq has caused the deaths of thousands of Americans and Iraqis, wounds of Americans and Iraqis for a lifetime. Every reason given, publicly at least, has turned out not to be true. My question is, why did you really want to go to war? From the moment you stepped into the White House, from your Cabinet -- your Cabinet officers, intelligence people, and so forth -- what was your real reason? You have said it wasn't oil -- quest for oil, it hasn't been Israel, or anything else. What was it?

THE PRESIDENT: I think your premise -- in all due respect to your question and to you as a lifelong journalist -- is that -- I didn't want war. To assume I wanted war is just flat wrong, Helen, in all due respect --

LAZY IGUANA: BZZZZZZZZZ! If Bush did not want this war, who did? The French? Then there is the neo-consertive think tank plan dating from the late 90's to invade Iraq. The members of this think tank? Jeb bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, etc. And the little old lady is correct - every single original reason for the war turned out to be bullshit. All of it. Not just one thing, not lust 10% - ALL OF IT was total bullshit. The whole "spreading democracy" thing only came up after there were no weapons of mass destruction found.

LITTLE OLD LADY: Everything --

THE PRESIDENT: Hold on for a second, please.

LITTLE OLD LADY -- everything I've heard --

THE PRESIDENT: Excuse me, excuse me. No President wants war. Everything you may have heard is that, but it's just simply not true. My attitude about the defense of this country changed on September the 11th. We -- when we got attacked, I vowed then and there to use every asset at my disposal to protect the American people. Our foreign policy changed on that day, Helen. You know, we used to think we were secure because of oceans and previous diplomacy. But we realized on September the 11th, 2001, that killers could destroy innocent life. And I'm never going to forget it. And I'm never going to forget the vow I made to the American people that we will do everything in our power to protect our people.

Part of that meant to make sure that we didn't allow people to provide safe haven to an enemy. And that's why I went into Iraq -- hold on for a second

LAZY IGUANA: Huh? Here we go again. Using September 11 as a hall pass to leave class and smoke weed in the bathroom. Whenever confronted with a question you can not answer, invoke September 11.

LITTLE OLD LADY: They didn't do anything to you, or to our country.

THE PRESIDENT: Look -- excuse me for a second, please. Excuse me for a second. They did. The Taliban provided safe haven for al Qaeda. That's where al Qaeda trained --

LITTLE OLD LADY: I'm talking about Iraq --

THE PRESIDENT: Helen, excuse me. That's where -- Afghanistan provided safe haven for al Qaeda. That's where they trained. That's where they plotted. That's where they planned the attacks that killed thousands of innocent Americans.

I also saw a threat in Iraq. I was hoping to solve this problem diplomatically. That's why I went to the Security Council; that's why it was important to pass 1441, which was unanimously passed. And the world said, disarm, disclose, or face serious consequences --

LAZY IGUANA: Fact - there was NO TALIBAN in Iraq. Saddam was a dick, but he was a secular dick in a fundamentilist region of the world. The Taliban were Quran Thumpers. In Iraq, there were women doctors (remember Anthrax Jane from the Iraq Most Wanted cards?). Women were educated in universities. Unlike in Saudi Arabia, a man did not have to escort a woman down the street. Osama being a Quran Thumper, and Saddam being a Brooks Brothers suit wearing mostly secular guy would not exactly be drinking buddies. There were NO TRAINING centers in Iraq. None. And the 1441 resolutuion was only passed by the UN after Powell made his famous case to them. A case which he later regtetted having made. All of it was discredited. Remember, the question from the little old lady was NOT about Afganistan, but about Iraq. But Bush answered the question as if she asked about Afganistan.

LITTLE OLD LADY: -- go to war --

THE PRESIDENT: -- and therefore, we worked with the world, we worked to make sure that Saddam Hussein heard the message of the world. And when he chose to deny inspectors, when he chose not to disclose, then I had the difficult decision to make to remove him. And we did, and the world is safer for it.

LAZY IGUANA: We worked with the world? Remember "you are with us, or against us"? Does that sound like "working with the world"? To me it sounds more like "Agree with me OR ELSE!". If I remember correctly, the rest of the world was saying "your evidence and our evidence are at odds. Lets hold off any military action for just a little while longer and send in new inspectors". Bush said "No, the USA does not want that. We are going to war and there is not anything you can do about it - so be with us or against us". Then a bunch of idiots started ordering "freedom fries" at McDonalds. Bush insisted that the inspectors, even the USA inspectors, were all wrong and that there were banned weapons in Iraq. He claimed Saddam was withholding evidence because he would not "disclose his weapons" - weapons which by the way he did not have.

So there we go. And by the way Mr. President, every reason you gave in public for the war in Iraq turned out to be wrong. So was there another reason that made you press so hard for war, or were you just wrong? And if you were just wrong about the WMDs - why did those evil American hating French seem to know there were no WMDs?

And Mr. President, my question has nothing to do with September 11, the taliban, or Afganistan. I am asking about the war in Iraq based on the "WMD stockpiles" Saddam was supposed to have. So please, no apple pie and "The Battle Hymn Of The Republic" playing softly in the background.

I Believe I Will Just Have Another Beer

It finally happened. I downloaded and watched "Loose Change 2nd Edition". If you have not watched this video, you should. It is 1 1/4 hours long, but it is free. You CAN buy it on DVD, or you can click the link and watch it for free.

Now I am a big fan of conspiracy theories. Some of them are so crazy that you have to sit back and wonder why the LSD you hooked up with was never as good as the LSD other people were able to get. There are some theories that are so out there, it makes the super massive black hole in the middle of our galaxy seem like it is only a few miles away. This is why I am a big fan of them. The humor value some of these theories hold.

But then there is Loose Change. I have never been too keen on the 9-11 conspiracy theories myself. For one, there is the physical evidence. Missing planes. Missing people. Missing buildings. AA and UA planes *DID* crash, or at least vanish, on this day. If the jets used were cargo planes, then you would have more wiggle room to claim that the government used drones, as cargo planes have only enough crew on board to fly the plane - and no cabin crew. So there would only be a few people to buy off, or scare into keeping their mouth shut.

But a passenger plane is another story. These planes usually have people on board. Full flight crews. Passengers. Suddenly, you have to accept that hundreds of families have sold out or were otherwise made an offer they can not refuse. This scenario is more and more unlikely as the number of people involved increases. People squeal.

Here is the biggest flaw of all government conspiricy theories. The government is very large. something like 9-11 would require A LOT of people to not squeal. How much do you want to believe that the government is nothing but pure evil? To believe all of a conspiricy theory, you have to accept that the people at the top - from whatever party happens to be in power - are evil.

And another problem is you have to believe that the government, and the people running it now (mostly the guy at the top) can tie their shoes without the help of an instructional DVD. More likely with the people at the very top of the government is that they hire someone to tie their shoes for them, as the golden people should never have to do anything as mundane as this. Plus, shoelaces are close to the ground and dirty. Cant have the golden people putting their hands on something that might hit the floor! That is what Mexicans are for. No offence to any Mexicans reading this, but honestly a lot of rich people in America really do feel this way. Do you think that ANY rich person has EVER unclogged their own toilet? Hell no. They might have to touch the dirty plunger! Toilet water might slosh onto them! The horror!

Evidence of this, if you want to consider it evidence, can be found in the recently disclosed (leaked) list of demands Vice President Cheney sends to hotels he might stay in. There was really nothing on the list that I would consider to be over the top - in fact the list seems rather reasonable. Sprite for him, and for his wife Perrier. A private toilet for him. No big deal. It is not like he demands $6,000 a bottle scotch or anything. But there is one strange thing on the list - the request to have all TVs turned to Fox News. I can change channels on the TV. Everyone reading this can change channels on the TV. Hell, even my cat changes channels on the TV when he walks over the remote control (I think on purpose - the cat knows how to make me get up and feed it). But it seems the VP can't change channels on his own. That or he does not want to touch the same TV knob that a common person might have touched. Why, the cleaning staff might have touched that very same TV knob! Poor people germs might get on him!

So I am not a big fan of 9-11 theories.

But then I saw Loose Change. It brings up some stuff, and then presents somewhat credible evidence to back it. Interviews of firefighters. News reel footage. The lack of wreckage at the Pentagon because the plane "vaporized from the heat" yet jet fuel does not burn hot enough to melt titanium or steel let alone vaporize it. The fact that other skyscraper fires, some larger than the ones on 9-11, did not collapse buildings. The reports from FDNY crews of "secondary explosions". And so on. Is it possible for a jet engine - designed to withstand, contain, and make use of a jet fuel fire to simply melt and burn away because of a jet fuel fire? If so, how is it possible that the jet engine can not burn up during normal use? How can jets fly?

And really - there have been few if any answers to some of the things presented. Like why could the black boxes supposedly not be found when they are made to survive crashes - but passports from the terrorists were found? Maybe we should start making passports from hard metals and black boxes from paper. And so on.

And of course there were other parts of it that I just found to be too "out there" to go for. I will not disclose exactly what parts, I will let you decide that on your own.

So if you have not seen it, give it a whirl. Listen to what the film has to say. Then after it is over, decide what you think.

As for me - what I think is that I will just have a beer and try not to think. I do not believe everything the film tries to present, like I said before some parts are just too out there. But if even one thing is true, or even semi-true - the government is indeed criminal, and people need to stand trial for war crimes. People that speak English as their primary language. That is IF anything is true. Notice how if is in all caps.

I do not think we will ever know about the if. Clearly, not all the story is available to the public because some of it is "classified". And without all the evidence, it is impossible to know exactly why 9-11 happened. Government conspiracy? Attacks from the clear blue sky? Godzilla? Maybe it was Marvin The Martian and his Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator. Without all the evidence - even the classified stuff and the security camera footage from businesses around the Pentagon that the FBI confiscated - conspiracy theories will not go away. Nor can they be totally discredited. Here lies the problem. Not all of the conspiracy theories can be discredited without the standard "the film maker has a bias" line. The melting point of steel and titanium, and the heat jet fuel creates when it is burning has no bias.

So there you have it. My official opinion on Loose Change is that some of it could be true, while other parts are probably not true. So because some parts are probably not true do you just ignore the parts that could be true?

I will leave that up to you. Watch it. HERE IS THE LINK AGAIN.

The Fair

Today I went to the Dade County Youth Fair. I kind of like this annual event. What it is, for those who do not live here, is a typical carnival. On a large scale.

There are rides, exhibits, games, trained bears, and even sea lions. Really. There are trained bears and sea lions. The grizzly bear and sea lion shows are new for this year.

The fair started out decades ago as a small thing featuring farm animals. Back then, there were actually farmers in Dade County. There were chicken farms and dairy farms and stuff. There were also exhibits from local schools. And food. And maybe even some rides and games.

But today the focus of the fair is all about the rides. If you want to puke, this is the place to go. Some of the rides are tame, but too many of them provide "fun" by slinging you around in three or four different directions at the same time. You could be spinning in two or three ways for example. Or swinging back and forth while spinning. Or something.

But I like to go anyway. Not exactly for the rides, I have seen the people that put them together. Lets just say I am glad those people do not put together jets. Jets fly over my house sometimes - depending on the landing pattern in use.

But I like the games. You know, those carnival games that you cant win? I like those. I like the "shoot out the red star with the fully auto BB gun" game. I never win, but you are not supposed to win. They claim people win, but I have never seen any evidence to support this statement. I play once or twice every year, so if it is possible to win it stands to reason it will happen one year. Maybe.

I did kick ass on one game. Skee Ball. I totally dominated that game. For $1 you got 6 balls and had to score 200 or better to win something. On the 5th ball I had 160 points, and on the 6th ball I hit 40 points - giving me exactly 200 points. I won a giant stuffed alligator. I have no idea why I need a giant stuffed alligator - or for that matter if I even want the darn thing. But because I am the Skee Ball master, I have it.

I also like to look at the junk for sale. I usually do not buy any of it, unless it is very cool junk. More often than not, the junk is just junk. So I do not buy it. Someone must buy the crap, because it is there every year.

There are also the exhibits. I like to look at these. I skip over most of it, but some things are cool. Like the place with the Floirda Panther kitten and the tiger cub. Cool stuff. This place (Vanishing Species) is a place that takes in crazy animals people try to keep as pets that are NOT dogs and regular cats. There was an annoying LOUD AS HELL bird that would not shut up (I wonder why the owners wanted to get rid of that thing), a ring tailed lemur, and a fat savanna monitor - just like my Max only smaller and much fatter. They should have given me that lizard, I could take better care of it. They can keep the tiger, Fred is big enough for me. House cats produce more poop than I really want to deal with - can you even begin to imagine the poop that a full grown tiger would produce? Hell, they eat something like 20 pounds of food a day. That works out to at least 15 pounds of tiger shit a day. You would need a very large litter box, and a steam powered scooper. ANY asshole that decides to get a "pet" tiger should be flogged to death. I do not care how rich they are. Unless you happen to be the director of a public zoo, you have no business trying to get a friggin tiger.

And then there is the food. There is that "Dipping Dots" ice cream of the future. There is the roast corn which I never get. Then there is the huge selection of stuff that is fried. Always on a quest for strange fried foods, I got some fried pickles. Yes that is right - fried pickles. How could I not get the fried pickles? When will I get the same chance again? Nobody has fried pickles on a menu.

And they were pretty good! I had my doubts about them, but I got them anyway.

I also got some gyros, and an elephant ear with powder sugar and vanillia pudding. The elephant ear was a diabetic coma waiting to happen. I do not have diabetes yet, but I might have it tomorrow.

I also entered to win a boat. But this contest was misleading. It clearly said "register to win a boat" but the reality was you were entering a drawing to win $10,000 towards the cost of a new boat. So if I "win" I will have to go find a new boat to buy. The first $10,000 comes from the contest people, the rest is all me. I still entered of course. If I win my flats boat will only cost $3,000 - $5,000 as opposed to $13k - $15k.

Next year I might try to open my own food booth. I will call it "Fried Stuff". EVERYTHING for sale in it will be fried. There will be ocra, onions, pineapple, bananas, apples, grapes, snickers bars, tomatoes of all colors, pears, ice cream, cheesecake, carrots, and so on. If you can think of it, I will offer it - deep fried. The focus of my food booth will be taking healthy foods - and deep frying it into death food. Yea, the food will kill you - but it will taste good.

People will buy it.

The Nature Of Profits

Time for another economics post!

What are profits? Where do they come from? How are they created?

Lets take a simple model here. One employee and one boss. The employee, using his or her labor, creates an item for which they are paid X. The boss takes the item as it is (the boss adds no value to the item) and sells it for X+Y. The boss keeps the Y as profit.

This answers some of the questions - but not the first one. What are profits? The answer to this depends on a few things. Mostly, do you believe in objective value?

If you think items have an objective value, you believe that the more labor something takes to produce the more it is worth. This ignors skilled VS unskilled labor. Clearly, skilled labor is worth more per hour than unskilled labor. A master craftsman's hour is worth more than a journeyman's hour.

But all things equal, objective value can not be ignored. Here in lies the problem.

IF items have an objective value, which is the value of the labor and materials used to create the item. Now lets re-visit the example. The employee creates an item for which they are paid X for. The boss sells the item for X+Y. Clearly, the VALUE of the item is X+Y otherwise it would not sell. But if this value represents the labor used to produce it, and the person who produced it is only paid X - where does the Y come from?

The answer lies in explotation. The employee is not paid for the full value of their labor. The difference in the value of their labor and the amount they are paid is profit.

Some might call this difference theft. This would mean that profit is theft, unless the one making the profit is also the one doing the producing. An auto mechanic makes a profit, but then again the auto mechanic is also the one who fixes your car. You are paying him for the value of his labor. You can not rebuild your engine, he can.

But what if the mechanic buys a part for $10 and sells it to you for $15. Did he do anything to create that extra $5 of value? Hell no. That part of his profit is theft. He "stole" the $5 from whoever made the auto part, because that person was paid less than the value of the part. What "labor" did he put into buying that part? None. So should he profit from adding nothing to the part? When he installs it in your car (preforms labor) then he is adding value, and should rightly expect to be paid for that labor. After all - can you fix that car? If not, you have to buy his labor.

Yet mechanics mark up parts. The entire retail industry revolves around getting stuff, doing nothing to it, and selling it for more than they paid for it. Business runs off this concept.

Business as it runs now accepts that people are not paid for the value of their labor. We all accept this as "fact". How can you expect to be paid the full value of your labor? If this happened the company would not have any profit. Companies would run at the break even point. Never loosing money, but then never making any either.

And this can not happen, because then the people who add no labor value to anything could not sit back and rake in the millions.

The people at the top, who add no labor value to anything and simply profit from those who do add labor value to things might call this whole post communist dribble. But what else would you expect from people who have figured out how to live very well off the labor of others to say?

Plans For The Kayak.

I have been thinking, which is a dangerous thing for me to do. And while engaged in a bout of thinking, my thoughts drifted to my kayak. Maybe it was because I was looking at it while drinking beer and hanging out on the porch. We shall never know the reason, but it is safe to assume that the beer had something to do with it.

Anyway, here are a list of projects that I have decided the kayak needs to be the most ass kicking kayak in the history of the entire universe. I already built the beach umbrella holder - but that is not enough.

1. Outriggers. I need outriggers. For those who do not know, outriggers are these things that stick out from a boat. On powerboats outriggers are used for fishing, but on a canoe or kayak outriggers add stability. Ever see a movie set in the South Pacific? You know those funky looking canoes the natives are always rowing out in? Well, the thing that looks like a second hull with nobody in it attached to the canoe is an outrigger. They make the canoe a hell of a lot harder to tip over. I need the outriggers to use my sail kit. I think I can make some ugly ones out of large PVC pipe.

2. Anchor pulley system. I will put some stainless steel eye loops on the bow and stern of the boat. To these eyes I will run a line and attach a stainless steel clip. The line will allow me to move the clip up and down the hull. I then attach the anchor to the clip, and BAM! Instant anchor pulley system. I will be able to set the anchor off either the bow or stern, or anywhere in between. Cool huh?

3. Satellite radio. The boat needs tunes! So I get a 12 to 15 amp hour gel cell battery and find a place for it inside the hull, out of my way. Then I get a Pelican Box. Pelican Boxes are awesome, they are super strong and totally waterproof. I glue a satellite raido antenna to the top of the box, put the reciever in the box, drill a few small holes for wires and stuff, then goop the holes shut with some stuff that will keep out the water. Add some waterproof box speakers and there we go!

4. Floating cooler. I need some sort of cooler. I can get a cooler that fits into the cargo area behind where I sit, but then I have to stretch and bend to get to it. It would be much better to get one of those blow up floating coolers, attach a line to it and to the boat, and tow my cooler behind me. Then all I have to do is grab the line and pull it, get the beer, and let the line go.

5. More cleats. I need some more cleats so I can have more points to attach lines to.

6. Navigation lights. Night fishing in the kayak might be cool. I could get in the shallow waters of the mangrove swamps in search of a snook or somethng. To be legal, and for safety, I would need AT LEAST one all around white light. Paddle craft do not need the red and green running bow lights, but I could use them if I want to. And I could also use the battery powered nav lights on my 18 footer if for some reason the ones on the big boat quit working. I can not really build these, I have to buy em.

Once I have the outriggers, and the anchor pulley, and satellite radio, a floating cooler, more cleats, navigation lights, and add to that my beach umbrella shade device, I will be done. The kayak will have everything a much larger boat would have. Then I can just anchor beyond the sandbar off Sanibel Island, kick back, have some beer, and be so lazy that everyone will look at me and say "look at that lazy S.O.B. out there with his beer and outriggers and beach umbrella. Is he even still alive? There has been no movement since that last swig off the beer".

Tomorrow on my first of two days off, I am going to draw up some plans and research material options. And look for a blow up floating cooler. Hell, I might even drive out to Key Biscayne and launch the little boat from the causeway beach.

Senate Seat For Sale, Going Price $10 Million

This year Florida will "elect" one senator. Currently, the seat belongfs to Bill Nelson, a democrat. The other seat belongs to Mel Martinez, a republican. His seat is not up for grabs this time around.

The republican challenger for Senator Nelson's seat is none other than Katherine Harris - the Jeb Bush apointee who in 2000 as the State election supervisor could not wait to certify the Florida election results for George Bush. Never mind that the margin of "victory" was a fraction of one percent. And then after the fiasco what did she do? Maybe take steps to improve the system so it will never happen again?

Oh hell no. She was holding off for a George Bush job appointment. I think I remember reading somewhere that she had her sights set on being an ambassador or something. She had to settle for a seat in Congress instead. She got that seat because a bunch of fools voted for her as a way of "proving" that Bush did in fact win. She ran for congress from a panhandle district - which is as "red" as Communist China's flag.

Anyway she is back. She is running for the senate. Her campaign had little steam behind it. She could not raise any money, nor could she muster very much support. Her campaign was on advanced life support.

Then she announced that she would put $10 million of her own money into her campaign. Think about that for a second. $10 million investment into a job that pays something like $150,000 a year. I think Senate seats are good for 6 years so that works out to $800,000 over 6 years. In otherwords, a net LOSS of $9.2 million dollars. And that is assuming she wins. If she looses, then it is a net loss of $10 million.

The question I ask myself is why? Why put in $10 million of your own money into a job that will not even pay back $1 million? This woman is a lobbyist's wet dream. I mean, with only a $9.2 million dollar loss for the job, I am fairly positive she would never take a bribe. Or accept any gifts in order to vote the "correct" way.

Bottom line is that I do not trust people who put that kind of their own money into a race. If I had $10 million would I waste it running for the Senate? HELL NO! I would so be out of this place. And she must have a whole lot more than $10 million in the bank.

She is going to buy her seat in the Senate with this money.

And what does she support? Oh you know, "traditional" consertive values.

This is where I need some help. Please correct me if I am wrong, but I thought that traditional consertive values revolved around reducing the power of the Federal Government (giving more power to State and Local Government), responsible fiscal policy (spending exactly the amount of money raised by taxes), and not using the military as a "world police force". In otherwords, exactly the opposite of what Bush has done. The federal government has never been more powerful, congress raised the federal credit card limit to 9 trillion dollars, and the military is being used like a police force in the middle of a civil war.

Recently Harris made a speech at one of these "mega TV churches". Not that there is anything wrong with this, but here are some of the things she said. All this is from The Miami Herald online edition. Google it if you want.

The title of her speech was "Bringing Faith to the Public Forum". Again, not really a problem. People have a right to have faith. But some other things she said ARE a problem.

"I can't imagine public service without faith. I don't know how anyone can serve, absent that enormous strength". In otherwords - that athiest Bill Nelson sacrifices puppies and kittens to Satan. And what would Jesus do with $10 million dollars? Give it to the poor or run for a seat in government? This woman is a religous phony, trying to play to the evangelical right wing to get elected.

Other speakers at the same event rallied against - you guessed it - homosexuality, abortion, and the ACLU. Apparently the new "traditional" consertive values begin and end with these three topics.

Harris also met with the organizers of the failed attempt to push through an anti-gay marriage amendment to the FL Constitution this year. They will try again in 2008.

She has avoided the press, unless that press is from the right wing. See, there are some questions she would rather not answer. Like the matter of her relationship with a defence contractor who pleaded guilty to giving her an illegal campaign contributions. She claims she had no idea the donations were illegal, but she DID ask for $10 in federal funding for Mitchell Wade's company after that had a nice romantic candlelight dinner together. One of her staff members also left to work for him.

So there we go. Another phony born-again "evangelical" who would urinate on the teachings of Jesus to embrace a system that awards war profeteers, advocates a system where some people have more rights than other people, spends as little as possible helping the poor but has unlimited amounts of money to blow stuff up, and looks at civil liberties as something "dangerous". After all, all republicans just know Osama gives money to that evil ACLU.

For the good of Floirda, the USA, and the planet I hope this bitch looses in a big way. Let her spend all of her $10 million and still loose. Send a message that Senate seats are NOT for sale.

But people are retarded. The evangelical movement will push hard for her cause God will cause it to rain fire if gays can get marries. People will see all the 30 second TV ads she will buy, and then vote for her based on that. Any mention of the defence contractor question will be blown off as a "liberal attack" against a "person of faith". Same typical imbred no teeth bible thumping redneck bullshit as always.

People are so dumb, they have forgotten what "traditional" consertive values are really all about.

And if you are reading this and you ARE an inbred toothless ignorant redneck, I have just one question for you.

Can you give me a valid legal reason why some Americans should have more rights than other Americans? And exactly when did a federal government with unlimited power become a consertive value? And before you claim it is not, lets remember that Bush created Homeland Security, secret lists, secret jails, and imaginary presidential powers that include the ability to authorize anything he wants without any judicial or congressional review. Has one "consertive" raised any concern over any of these things? Nope. Therefore, you must support it.

As I see it, the most pressing "traditional" consertive value that is only a few years old and hardly a tradition is gay marriage. Or a lack of it. To me, it is clearly a civil rights matter. Marriage is a LEGAL CONTRACT. You do not have to go to a church to be legally married, you can simply apply for a license and see a justice of the peace. Therefore it is a LEGAL CONTRACT. Even if you go to a church, and the pope himself declares you to be married, without that license from the state the marriage is NOT LEGAL. Period. The church thing is optional - the license is not.

But never mind all that. Once faith is allowed to "shape the law", as the evangelical movement wants it to be, valid legal arguments will not matter. Nothing will matter. What they want is a Christian version of the Taliban style of government. A theocracy. A system where only those appointed by God can rule. A system where people of "faith" decide exactly what sort of rights the masses are allowed to have.

Much like the system the American Revolution got rid of.

Not A Wuss, And My Job Kicks Ass!

I really like my job. It kicks ass. It kicks big time mega ass.

Last week the Consulate of Japan in Miami faxed an invitation to a VIP event to be held at FIU. Of course I sent in my RSVP. Then I put in for some time off. I worked on New Years Eve, so I had 5 hours of administrative leave in the bank. Today I only worked 1/2 a day but was paid for the full day. And what was this event I had to show up for? The opening of the FIU Anamie Festival. I got some free food, met the new Consul General of Japan, and watched "Ghost In The Shell 2, innocence".

It is a good thing I did show up. My top boss and sub-boss had also sent in their RSVP but were unable to show up. I ended up as the sole representative from my office. And really I was the most qualified to show up, nobody else in the office watches nearly as many cartoons as I watch. And I am probably the only person in the office that has watched "Akria" or "Dragonball Z". Anyway, I distributed my business card, collected some business cards, and so on and so forth.

Just how many cartoons do I watch? Good question. Lets count!

In no particular order: Spongebob Squarepants, Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Futurama, Family Guy, The Simpsons, American Dad, Two Angry Beavers, Ren and Stimpy, The Oblongs, Mission Hill, Trigun, Samurai Shampoo, Moral Orel, South Park, Drawn Together, Squidbillies, and other stuff like The Grim Adventures Of Billy And Mandy and so on.

But I aint no wuss! The upper body soreness thing is just about over - so on Monday after work I plan to go back to the gym and damage myself all over. I will do all the same stuff I did before. Bring it on! I need to reach hull speed in my kayak - and maintain that speed for at least an hour - as soon as possible. Under OARS! No sail no mirage drive. When I see the trainer again I will request some lower body pain and suffering.

As for my heel, I probably need some stiches. But I have never had stiches before. Well almost never. I did have some stiches after the surgical procedure to remove my wisdom teeth. However, with the wisdom teeth removed it stands to reason I lost some wisdom. So I will not do squat about my heel unless it starts to ooze green stuff. Unless there is an infection I will just leave it as it is. Right now it is a little tender, but my sock is not sticking to it so it must not be that bad.

And I know enough to know what some doctor would do. I cut away all the dead skin using some stainless steel scissors. I put more goop that stings like hell on it. After all the more something stings the better it is working.

It does not bother me to do stuff like clean my own wounds, or cut away my own dead skin. Anyone can do it really. When someone else does it , it ALWAYS hurts more. Not that it is totally pain free if you do it, but you can take your time. You are not busy. You do not have 20 more people waiting to see you. You are not trying to get it over with ASAP so you can make your 4:00 tee time at the golf course. So when possible, I like to do as much medical related stuff to myself as I can.

The trick to do a good job. You have to do as good a job as a medical professional would do. If you are going to clean a wound, CLEAN IT! You can not do a half ass job, you have to scrub the area. Use soap. Use disinfectant. Cut or scrub away ALL the dead skin (skin that needs to be removed is all white and puffy). Any less could result in infection. It will not feel good, but you CAN take you time - something a busy medical professional does not have. It can take you an hour to do what a doctor would do in 5 minutes - but taking longer results in less pain.

But if the gash does not close up in a few days, I might have to see a pro. I do not think it would be a good idea to drink some gin and then take a needle and thread to my foot. I am not stuck in some wilderness after all.

The Burn

So on Wednesday I went to the Bally's place for a session with a personal trainer. You get two or three personal training sessions with a new membership. I can buy more if I want, but I think it is a rip off. The trainers are probably only getting $10 an hour or less, but the cost for a session is something like $70. What a friggin rip off.

Anyway, the short version of a not so long story is that I was kind of sore today at work.

I got an upper body workout at the gym. I was ok on Thursday, just a little sore. But then I had to mess with the kayak. It weighs either 50 or 60 pounds. I had to lift the thing and put it on the roof rack. Then I had to take it off the roof rack and launch it over the sea wall. Then I had to lift it over the sea wall. Then back on the roof rack. Then off the roof rack. Then I had to move it to the backyard where it lives.

And I forgot to mention the blood. Oh yes, there was blood. I stepped on a sharp something, either a rock or a sharp sea shell and slit my heel open. Yea I know you are supposed to wear shoes in the water where there might be sharp rocks. Yea I knew there were probably sharp rocks around. But I did not put on my beach shoes so I gashed myself in the foot.

The funny thing is that I did not notice at first. What clued me in that something was not right were the red bloody heel prints I noticed once I was on the concrete walkway. A quick inspection of the foot area turned up a nice gash - so perfect and clean you would think it were made with a razor blade. I had some fresh water so I rinsed off my foot and kept going - leaving bloody prints all over the place. I even managed to leave a small puddle of blood while resting for a bit on the sea wall. The small puddle was deep red and probably left a nice stain on the concrete. The bloody prints were less red because the blood was all squished and thin on the concrete.

So today at work my left heel was a little sore. Not too bad, but then again not too good. Due to the fresh water wash down, some rubbing alcohol, and some iodine there is no infection - but iodine hurts like a bitch.

I walk a lot at work. And today was not really an exception. But I did not complain too much. Someone else at work just had an operation on her foot so no waking for her. And someone else had a mild heart attack so no walking for him. I pulled my shift AND 4 hours of another shift. No problem. Bring on the walking and the heel gash! My sock can soak up any heel leakage I might have. Today there was no leaking because there is no infection.

What is killing me more than the heel is the sore upper body from the workout. Every muscle below my neck and above my ass got it. The burn they tell you to feel turns into "sore" the next day. So it takes me longer to do things now, like take off and put on my suit jacket at work. It kind of hurts to lift my arms.

The soreness is bothering me way more than the bloody heel thing.

Kayak Sea Trial

I found some water to put the kayak into today. It was just a small puddle really - but you can almost see it from space with a very good zoom lens.

I was about midway between "Snapper Creek" and "Black Point Landfill". I launched from the Charles Deering Estate, which is part of Miami-Dade Department of Parks. It is a cool house, on a nice chunk of land - but it is a totally CRAPPY place to launch a boat. The "ramp" leads to a floating dock that has two 90 degree turns before you get to the water. It is not possible to launch from the dock without lifting the boat over your head. Kind of like Mr. Canoe Head - Canada's greatest aluminum head crime fighter. Mr. Canoehead became a crime fighter after he was struck by lightning while carrying a canoe. The bolt welded the canoe to his head forever. The Frantics were Canada's Monty Python

So I had to put the boat OVER a seawall, then drag it across a whole lot of washed up sea weed and into the shallow water. I was knee deep in muck launching. Next time I will launch from the causeway on Key Biscayne, the beaches there would make for an easy launch.

Anyway, the thing handles GREAT. Under oars it is a fairly stable sit on top kayak. The keel helps it track straight. If the wind blows you off track too much, the rudder can be set to compensate - but under oars the rudder is not really supposed to steer the boat. The rudder is only intended to keep the boat tracking in a straight line under oars.

The really cool part is the mirage drive. This thing totally kicks major ass. The fins flapping under the boat means you do not need the oars at all. And you can really get some speed with the mirage drive. Once you are in water deep enough to deploy the daggerboard the boat is very stable. Under the mirage drive, the boat is also super quiet. It just glides through the water. No splish-splash of the oars constantly going in and out of the water.

And the rudder really shines under the mirage drive. With my left hand I can control the heading of the boat, while my legs make the thing move. Unlike when under oars, the only way to control your heading (direction) when using the mirage drive is with the rudder.

The sail kit works fair. Under a light wind it is OK, but the boat is simply not wide enough to be a real sailboat. I almost flipped it a few times under sail power. Even with the daggerboard down, and the mirage drive fins extended, I still had to lean away from the sail to keep the boat upright. I need to build some outriggers if I want to use the sail kit more often.

There was also one more thing missing today, so I went back to Home Depot to buy some more PVC. I had to make a holder for something I got a while ago, but never found a use for.

Productivity

Productivity is a word that can mean EITHER good things or bad things. When your boss uses the word, it is usually bad. The reason for this is that when the boss says any variation of "productive" he/she is usually calling someone lazy. As in "Smith! Why can't you be more productive like the ass kiss Jones in accounting!" Or sometimes the boss will say "productivity is down, so the company has adopted a policy of random floggings".

But on your day off, productivity can be a very good thing - providing you are doing something you WANT to do. A good example of this is roofing. Yea, you COULD spend your day off nailing new roofing tiles down, but that would totally suck. Or you could spend the day doing stuff you like to do, like for example sleeping till 12:30 PM. That is productivity too. At least to me it is. What does sleeping in late accomplish? It means I can stay up late watching Ren And Stimpy cartoons, and watching some movies. That is something!

But even if I did sleep in a little late, I got a LOT of crap done. So let up re-visit yesterday's list of things to do!

1. Build a rack for the kayak. CHECK!

2. Launch the kayak. Still have to do this
3. Use the gym membership. CHECK!
4. Get ball joints for the truck. Still have to do this.
5. Get beer. CHECK! I got a 6 pack of Guinness and Harp for Friday.
6. Mess with the new tank. CHECK! The water is still toxic to fish, but it is on the way to biological stability
7. Chill out and do nothing. CHECK! I did sleep till after noon.

Tomorrow I am going to launch the boat. The odds of me getting the ball joints replaced are lower than the odds of me winning the lottery - and I do not bother to waste my money on that sucker bet.

Day Off!

My weekend is here again. And what a list of stuff I have to do!

1. Build a rack in my truck to carry the Kayak. The rack will be made from PVC so it will be strong, cheap, light, and easy to build. It will be removable. The truck is 16.91 feet from bumper to bumper, the kayak is 16 feet. So the kayak will have to ride on top of the truck, tied off to both bumpers and supported by the rack. I have a design in mind already.

2. Launch the boat in a lake. I want to see how well the mirage drive works, and how the sail kit works.

3. Use the gym membership I got myself into. Last time I went I got my ass a little kicked, the next day my arms and legs were sore. I suppose that means I accomplished something.

4. My truck still needs those new ball joints. Toyota recalled them, so it will not cost me anything to get the work done. It is just that the dealer wants me to bring the truck in at some UNACCEPTIBLE time in the morning - and that does not fly well with me. I mean, THEY screwed up here - why should I be punished by having to drag my ass into the dealer at 7 AM? Do you realize how bad traffic here is at that time?

5. Get beer. I am out. Not good. I have been out of beer for a few days now, and that is getting old fast.

6. I set up a new 5 gallon aquarium at home. I like my office 6 gallon aquarium so much I dug up some stuff I had laying around, cleaned it up, and got it running. It looks nice, I have A LOT more light over the home tank than the office tank so I have more plant choices. At the office I have 8 watts of normal output light over 6 gallons of water, at home I have 28 watts of power compact light over 5 gallons. The limiting factor at home is only plant size - at work I have to pay attention to plant size AND limit my selection to low light plants only. The 5 gallon tank is an experimental setup to investigate how much work and money will be involved in maintaining a 75 to 90 gallon low PH freshwater tank filled with tetras and some angelfish and heavily planted. My target PH is 6.5 - 6.8. Anywhere in that range will work, as long as the PH remains constant everything will be very happy.

7. Veg out for a bit. I will probably do this AFTER getting the beer and while testing the water in the new tank for ammonia, nitrite, and nitrate.

Speaking of new tanks, I am experimenting with a fishless cycle. Normally, what you do to a new tank is add some VERY tough fish to start the cycle. The fish produce ammonia. Bacteria grow in the water to eat the ammonia, turning it into nitrate. More bacteria grow that eat the nitrite and produce nitrate. Nitrate is removed with regular water changes. After the process is over, you have to stock SLOWLY or else you can overload the biology in the tank and kill everything.

The fishless cycle involves me adding ammonia to the tank, and letting the bacteria do its thing. So I bought some white (non soapy) ammonia from the supermarket. I added some ammonia, tested the water, and added more to get to about 3 - 4 parts per million of ammonia - which would be toxic to any fish. Every day I test and add more ammonia as needed. Once I start to find nitrite I will keep adding a little bit of ammonia till my nitrite reads zero. Then in theory I will have an assload of good bacteria and will be able to fully stock the little tank in one step without having to worry about toxic tank syndrome. The ammonia I am adding is WAY MORE than the fish the tank can support would produce.

I WAS going to drive to Palm Beach County to check out a Yamaha Wave Venture 1100 personal water craft. But the old fart selling it is balking out of the deal now. He had it listed for $1500, but is now talking about wanting to keep it. Someone must have told the fossil it is worth more - which in theory it is. But the guy who owns it now is 80 years old and nobody has used the thing for over 2 years. He claims it runs, but I would probably rebuild the carbs in it anyway. Varnish is a bitch, and unless he started the thing every week or two there is varnish in the carbs. Ill call the old fart next week to see what is up. What does the guy need with a 10 foot water missle that will hit 60 mph anyway? I need the thing! I was going to buy it, clean it up, use it this summer, and sell it if I did not use it enough to justify keeping it. I could have got all my money back (possibly more), so in effect I would be "renting" a wave runner all summer for free. But......oh well.

New Boat

My new boat arrived in the back of a cargo van! It actually got here a few days ago, but this is the first chance I have had to post about it.

Here she is. Well almost. This is a red kayak, mine is yellow. That picture is small and crappy and IMPOSSIBLE to read, so click it. Doing so will open up a larger photo that highlights all the features of this thing.

I got EVERYTHING one can possibly get with this kayak. It came standard with the way cool Mirage Drive system, and I added the sail kit, daggerboard, and kayak cart. There is no cool link for the daggerboard, but it is just a keel. It has the shape of an airfoil, and sticks straight down into the water about 3 or 3.5 feet. Kind of like an upside down shark fin. It adds stability under sail power. When the boat is not under wind power, it will still add stability - but is not really needed.

The Adventure model is 16 feet long at the waterline. It is the fastest boat in the Hobie Kayak line. Kayaks, sailboats, tug boats, barges, and even aircraft carriers are ALL alike in one respect, they are all displacement hulls. This means they do not "plane" like a powerboat can. With displacement hulls, longer = more speed.

This has to do with the bow wave, and the quarter wave. When a boat moves through the water, it creates a bow wave. Water has to be pushed out of the way for a boat to move forward. This bow wave then creates a second wave, called the quarter wave - or stern wave. Maximum displacement speed is reached when the crest of the bow wave is just ahead of the bow, and the crest of the quarter wave meets the stern. To go any faster in a displacement hull IS possible, but it requires a whole lot of energy. More energy than ANY person can provide. You need a motor to get beyond hull speed.

And the greater the distance from the bow wave to the quarter wave the faster the wave can travel. So longer hulls are faster than shorter hulls - always and forever. UNLESS you are talking about adding an engine AND if the boat has a "planing" hull. Even the largest aircraft carrier in the US Navy can not go faster than the hull speed - as aircraft carriers are displacement hulls. It takes to much energy to get over the bow wave that is is not economical - or even impossible.

There is a formula to calculate maximum hull speed for a boat. And here is that formula!
Maximum hull speed = 1.34 * (square root of LWL)
Where LWL = length of the hull at the waterlie AND the results are in knots.

In the case of my new boat, this is easy. The hull is 16 feet. The square root of that is 4. And 4 times 1.34 = 5.36 knots.

1 knot (nautical mile) = 1.15 car miles. So the maximum speed I will be able to hold is 6.164 miles per hour.

Ain't physics phun?

And why is 1 nautical mile equal to 1.15 car miles? It has to do with the Earth. A nautical mile is defined as EXACTLY one minute of longitude at the equator. There are 60 minutes in one degree, and 360 degrees in a circle. Therefore, one can see that the Earth is EXACTLY 21,600 nautical miles at the equator. "Car" miles are based on the "fact" that at some time the foot of a king was measured, and then this king decided that there would be 5,280 of his "feet" in a mile. Since statue miles are based on nothing more than crap, they are shorter than nautical miles.

So what did we learn here? Who the hell knows. I might just know far more than I ever need to about things like hull speed.

What Else The Bible Says.

Recently, here in Miami-Dade County a teacher at a public high school made some comments for a student produced feature on gay rights. This feature was "aired" over the school's closed circuit TV system. What she said, in so many words, was that homosexuality was "wrong" because the bible says so. In other words, "those people" do not exactly deserve the same rights as other people - because the bible says so. By the way, the same thing was said in the 60s when "those people" who were a few shades darker than lilly white decided that they deserved rights. What part of the bible did the Klan and other white supremacist groups use then AND now? The story of Cain and Able. Cain killed Able, and then tried to lie to God about it. So God gave Cain a mark and said that all his descendents would have to "toil in the fields" for they would all bear the "mark". And what is this mark? Why, dark skin! Duh! So slavery was OK, and so was Jim Crow laws - according to the KKK anyway.

So, I stole this letter written by an unknown person from the internet. You may have read it before, or maybe not. Someone should send this letter to the teacher at any rate.

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Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's
law. I have learned a great deal from you, and I try to share that
knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend
the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that
Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific
laws and how to best follow them.

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors.
They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. How should I deal with this?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as it suggests
in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair
price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual uncleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is,
how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may buy slaves from the nations that
are around us. A friend of mine claims that this applies to
Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you clarify?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is
an abomination (Lev. 10:10), it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 20:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if
I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading
glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room
here?

1 Corinthians 14:34-36 states that a woman should keep her yapper SHUT in the temple (church), and should only ask her husband if she has any questions. Under NO circumstances should a woman ever think for herself. Do you agree with this?

Deuteronomy 22:28-29 says that a man who rapes a virgin should have to buy her from her family and marry her. Would you advocate making this a federal law?

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am
confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word
is eternal and unchanging.

The BEST Pizza In The Cosmos

Today's Lazy goes to the BEST pizza place in the known universe. And thanks to the Hubble Space Telescope, we know that there are an assload of galaxies in the universe.

This is the Hubble Deep Field photo, covering an area equal to the width of a dime viewed from 75 miles away. There are 1500 galaxies in this image. Go ahead - count em, or just take NASA'a word for it. Anyway the point is there are A LOT of galaxies floating around in space.

But in all these galaxies, there can be only ONE "best pizza place in the cosmos". So you know that the winner HAS TO be good.

The pizza box please........
The winner for THE BEST pizza place in the universe is.......THIS PLACE!

Frankie's Pizza can only be found in Miami Floirda. It is not a chain, and never will be. It was started 50 years ago by a WWII veteran named Frank B. Pasquarella. Frankie's original place was in South Miami, and opened on Valentines Day 1955. Two years later, it moved to it's current location - a small free standing building at Bird Road (SW 40th ST) and SW 92 Ave. At the time Bird Road was just a dirt road, and the place was pretty much in the everglades. Now Bird Road is a major 6 lane surface road and the everglades are way to the west. But not much has changed inside the little building. The pizza is the same as it has been for 51 years.

Frankie died a while ago, and his wife died a few years ago - but the family continues to run the joint. Roxanne, Frankies daughter is the boss now (as far as I can tell). The place is EXACTLY as I remember it being when Frankie was alive. The same pizza baking trays. The same sauce. The same cheese. The same ovens. And so on. In the 30 years I have been eating Frankies Pizza, it has not changed one bit. And this is a good thing. Roxanne knows not to screw with success.

My dad used to bring Frankies home when he was a troubleman for FPL (the power company). He would often work the afternoon trick, so he would get home at around 11 PM. It was a special treat for me to get fresh hot Frankies pizza, because when I was little staying up till 11 PM was not something I did often.

Actually going to Frankies to pick up the pizza was even better. Frankie ALWAYS gave a sample slice with every pizza - so if I went with my dad to get the pizza I always snagged the slice right out of the oven. Frankies also had sodas that you did not just find anywhere - mostly stuff from White Rock. The "sample slice" tradition is still alive and well at Frankies - and I still eat that sample slice before I can get the pizza home. Some things will NEVER change!

Frankies Pizza is probably the OLDEST local business in Miami-Dade County. A lot of things have come and gone, but Frankies remains the same as it was in 1955. To last 50 years in a place that changes as often as Miami - you HAVE TO be good!

You can order your very own half-baked Frankies Pizza for delivery to your door - anywhere in the USA. Just CLICK HERE and fill out the order form to send an email. Or better yet, call the phone number listed. Just DO NOT call on Monday, Frankies is closed that day.

Their pizza is not the cheapest in town - but it is by far the best. Frankies is the undisputed heavy-weight champ of pizza places, and winner of the 2006 Lazy for Best Pizza In The Universe!

And The Winner For The Biggest Douche On TV Goes To,,,,

Yesterday I ranted for a bit about the AT&T / Bellsouth merger, and announced my very own web awards called "The Lazies" to point out how absurd the Academy Awards are.

Yesterday, T'Pau won "Worst Band Name In The History Of humanity". Today's Lazy goes to the worst newscaster on TV.

This category had a lot of competition. There is Bill O=Riley for example. He is a world-class douche, but not quite worthy of the title "biggest douche on the television", although he comes close. Bill wins the honorary title of "second biggest douche on the television". There is also Ann Coulter, who would win "biggest twit on the television", but simply being a twit is not enough. There is also Larry King, with the suspenders and checkered pants and fake hair and STUPID questions during interviews that last way too long. I do not know if Larry King counts as a twit or a douche, he would win for "most dull personality on the television". By the way, I made up the checkered pants bit - but seriously, if someone told you that a well known figure on a cable news network wore checkered pants, who would you guess the person to be? Larry King right??

So without any more Tom-Foolery, I shall announce the winner for "The Biggest Douche On Television". And the winner is THIS GUY!

So what makes CNN's very own Rick Sanchez the undisputed winner, and a slightly bigger douche than Bill O'Riley? Lets track his career.

The Rickster started out as a nobody in the South Florida news market. Channel 7, WSVN Miami, used to be CBS. For some reason, Channel 7 became independent and Channel 6 (which was independent) turned into CBS. Channel 7 eventually became part of the Fox network.

Anyway, once WSVN was independent, they had to start programming a station. No longer could they just air whatever crap CBS was producing. So they dabbled with the then new idea of tabloid style TV news.

This is where The Rickster saw a chance. My earliest memories of Rick are of his "Crime Check With Rick Sanchez", where he would cruise the worst areas of Miami in a news van waiting for someone to get shot or run over or whatever. Then he would "report" live from the scene, the more police tape and blood the better. These segments NEVER really reported any news, a typical report would go "we do not know what happened here, other than someone shot someone else - probably over drugs or money or maybe gang violence or even a pimp war".

After doing this for far too long, The Rickster started to move up. And mow people down. At a Dolphins game he got a little (OK A LOT) too drunk and ran someone over. The man died. Rick drove off and continued home, where he proceeded to "drink to calm his nerves" and eventually called the cops. When they arrived at his house, there was no proof he was drunk at the time of the crime because he claimed he got drunk at home BEFORE calling the cops. Yea whatever. He eventually pleaded "no contest" to DUI but never really got into very much trouble because his lawyers managed to put most of the blame on the other "drunk" guy who decided to jump out in front of The Ricksters new car.

By the way, CLICK HERE to hear some drunken Rick Sanchez karaoke! This recording was made by an anonymous WSVN employee, and Rick FREAKED OUT about it.

He became a lead anchor on WSVN. Cheerfully reporting on all sorts of death and destruction with an upbeat voice tone and his trademark smile. For example: (in a cheerful voice) Tonight on WSVN news at 6, 10,000 people killed in a mudslide! We will tell you where after these messages! (flash a big ole smile). That's vintage Rick.

During the Gulf War part 1, Rick had a giant floor map of Iraq made. He would stand over the map and place little plastic tanks and army men and stuff on it to represent locations of....well....tanks and army men. Click HERE to hear another comedy bit about this.

In 1992, after Hurricane Andrew he pissed off the National Guard by getting on the TV and reporting that the Guard were not carrying live ammo.

Sooner or later, he decided he was doing the planet an injustice by limiting himself to Miami. So he got hired by MSNBC - who ended up canning his ass in short order.

So the king returned to Miami, but Channel 7 did not want him back. Someone else was in his chair, and none of the other anchors wanted the dickhead back. So he went to Channel 6 and hosted an afternoon "Oprah style" talk show - that FLOPPED. Nobody watched it.

Miami simply did not want The Rickster back.

So CNN hired the looser. The people of Miami were happy to get rid of the goon. I even offered to pay for his one way bus ticket and pack him a brown bag lunch.

congratulations Rick Sanchez! You ARE "The Biggest Douche"! Goodbye.

Here We Go Again

I was going to post about the AT&T / Bellsouth merger - but what is the point? I can remember when a court split up "Ma Bell" under the anti-trust law. And I even know why - there was NO CHOICE for phone service. Your local provider was also your long distance provider - and that was it.

But, people forget. Deregulation happens. So now the old Ma Bell is back. Well not totally back, there are still a few baby bells out there - but most of the old Ma Bell is back. Kind of like Jason from Friday The 13th parts 1 - 50. Consumers can look forward to a new era of reduced choice and higher prices for crappier service. 10,000 people will loose jobs (the cuts are already announced, with much salavating by the CRIMINAL executives). But trust me on this all you out there with Bellsouth local service and AT&T long distance service - your bill WILL NOT change. Those 10,000 jobs but will lower cost - but not to you. You will pay the same, and some crooks will get richer.

And the "savings" will once again be passed down to we the people. Your money will go to pay for things like health care for the children of those who loose insurance, and for unemployment payments. Then there is taxpayer funded "job retraining" programs. And so on. Not that I am against such things (I fully support helping those who are axed in the name of greed and profit) but I HATE THE WAY that the business that causes this gets away with it. The CRIMINALS in charge of these companies pawn the "savings" off on the taxpayers, and in the process get a big bonus and fat stock options. If you ask me, the profits gained from "cost cutting" should be heavily taxed, so less goes to the criminals and more goes to offset taxpayer burden.

But then again I am just a liberal pinko communist idiot who does not know what I am talking about. People with less than 1/3 the education I have tell me that fairly often.

But when those people loose their job, Ill bet they might be more inclined to agree with me.

But this is not really what I wanted to post about! Not at all! I wanted to make an announcement!

We all know about the (worthless) Oscar Awards Sunday. The Oscar Awards ceremony is a national sickness. I mean, WHO CARES?!?! Unless you are in the running to win one of the awards, why does it matter to you who gets it? If your favorite movie does not win an award, do you suddenly think that the movie sucks? Or if a movie you do not like wins, does that change your opinion of it?

Some people claim that they just like to watch awards ceremonies. Fair enough - but do you go watch awards ceremonies for the science fair that your kid is not in? Probably not - yet that is an awards ceremony you can see LIVE!

So I am going to announce THE LAZIES. My own personal awards given to what I consider to be the best AND worst.

Today's category is: THE ALL TIME WORST NAME FOR A BAND. And the Lazy goes to..........

T'Pau

No, not one of Vulcan's most revered leaders, the only person ever to turn down a seat on the Federation Council. Not the T'Pau who in the mid-22nd century (Earth calendar), was a leader in the Syrrannite movement which helped to reform Vulcan society, by bringing forth the true teachings of Surak. Not the T'Pau who in 2267, officiated over Spock's wedding ceremony that turned into a fiasco. She later saved Captain Kirk's career by telling Starfleet she requested his visit to Vulcan. And not the Vulcan starship, T'Pau NSP-17938, was named for her. After its decommission in 2364 the T'Pau was used in a Romulan invasion plot.

There was a band named T'Pau as well. An 80s band. And the band was named after a Star Trek character. Now you may think that the band would consist of a bunch of odd fat white guys, geeks if you will, who were way too facinated with plastic phasers.

Wrong! The lead singer for T'Pau is a woman. Their only hit was "Heart And Soul", which came in 1986. The original release of the song went unnoticed, until it was used in a Pepe Jeans commercial. Then it became a hit, known to many as "that Pepe Jeans commercial song".

So congragulations T'Pau - you win The Lazy for worst name for a band, EVER, in the history of bands.

Tomorrow's Lazy will go to THE WORST NEWS CASTER IN THE HISTORY OF NEWSCASTING.

1500 - 2300 Shift

Today I get to work the late shift. I will be at work till 2300 EST. 2300 = 11 PM.

After 7:30 PM nobody will be in the office. Just me. And the fish. And the other assorted critters (mice and such). It will be very quiet - so quiet you might think I am hunting wabbits. But there are no more wabbits at the airport, they were all removed and shipped to Texas. The airfield wabbits would eventually die, which attracted buzzards and the buzzards on several occasions ALMOST sturck aircraft taking off and landing. So to get rid of the buzzards the wabbits had to go.

Anyway, I am going to work well prepared. I have some microwave popcorn and some movies. Here is what I am bringing:

1. Flighplan. It fits in with the whole work theme
2. Saw 2. A spooky movie for a spooky empty floor
3. The Exorcism Of Emily Rose. I will probably not bring this one as I saw it last night. Not really all that spooky. But I might watch the deleted sceenes anyway.

The crappy part about this arrangement is that I will MISS The Boondocks on Cartoon Network. I will have to video tape Adult Swim tonight and watch it later.

DISCLAIMER. More than likely I will not be able to watch anything. The 11 PM shift has things to do. But - Ill bring em anyway. Maybe I can watch the first 1/2 hour of one flick while I eat my lunch / dinner.

Do Not Think I Am Insane Yet?

This is going to be a good one, so you might want to get some snacks or something. Go on, I will wait.

At my work location, there is a hotel. And at this hotel there is a place to eat on the 7th floor. Every Tuesday I can get the "two for one" lunch special - if I can con one of my co-workers into going.

But this is not the important thing. What is more important is the 8th floor of the hotel, which is under renovation right now. There WAS a pool and a health club there. Supposedly, one of the 50 hurricanes that have hit Miami in the last 2 years damaged the 8th floor causing it to close for renovation. That OR they ran out of money for it and closed the pool and health center to cut costs. My cynical brain never quits.

Anyway, when the center WAS open it was very cheap for employees to use. I do not know just how cheap because I never joined - but word on the street was that it was VERY cheap. But it is closed now, so none of this matters.

Anyway, being a County employee and not having access to the cheap fitness and health club at my work location anymore - I decided to get on the County web site and check out the cool discounts I can get!

I discovered that there was indeed some fitness and health club discounts. I can join the Downtown Fitness Club or I can use the Hotel Intercontinental. Both these places are VERY exclusive - meaning expensive. And they are downtown. Not exactly a good location for me as I do not live anywhere near downtown. And even with the "discount" the fees are pretty high.

So on my Thursday off I decided - on a total whim mind you - to poke around. I piddled around on the internet and discovered this Ballys place near my home. So I went there. Why not, I had nothing else to do.

After getting a tour of the place they gave me the sales pitch. So I sat there. When the pitch was over, I mentioned that I could get a "discount" at the much nicer Downtown Fitness Center which just got a 2.5 million dollar renovation.

The sales pitch guy caved in. He said he could take $30 off the "sign up fee" and that I could get a monthly membership at just that center for $40 a month. This is less than the County discount could get me at the downtown places.

So I joined. Wednesday at 1 PM I have to go meet with some kind of personal trainer or something like that. I am going to be personally trained to use some fancy equipment in an effort to build endurance and strength. I need these things to fully enjoy the sail-yak I am still waiting for.

My insanity works in ways that amazes even me. I never know exactly what crazy thing I will get a wild hair up my ass to do.

Now the question is this: Will I actually USE the fitness center? Obviously, I will use it at least once. Probably more than once seeing as how I had to fork out the fee for the first month AND the signup fee. But will this fad last into next month? Who knows. It depends on how motivated I get.

And the chicks in spandax workout clothes are fairly motivating.

I Demand My 1st Amendment Right To......Uhhhhh...What Is the 1st Amendment Again?

This is simply too good to be true. As you may know, for the last few days I have been on an anti-idiot tirade. So here is a quick quiz.

1. Name all five freedoms granted by the 1st Amendment.
2. Name the characters from the hit TV show The Simpsons.
3. Who are the judges on American Idol?

If you can name all five freedoms (speech, religion, press, assembly, petition) you must be the 1 in 1,000 Americans that are not breathing through the mouth. Only 1/10 of 1% of those in the survey could name all 5. Only 25% could name more than 1 freedom. The most commonly known freedom is freedom of speech - 75% of people that could only name one picked speech. Religion came in second.

22% could name all the members of the TV cartoon family "The Simpsons" (Marge, Homer, Bart, Lisa, Maggie). 50% could name at least 2 members of The Simpsons family.

More distressing are the wrong answers for the 1st amendment question. It seems that many people thought that the 1st amendment included the "right to own a pet". How many people said this? 1 in 5.

Almost as many people that knew all The Simpsons thought that the "right to have a pet" was protected by the First Amendment.

With this level of ignorance out there, several things are clear to me now. First off, now I understand how things like the Patriot Act could get passed. If only 1 in 1000 know all five freedoms granted by the most important amendment - how many know what the 4th or 5th amendment says? This made it easy for the executive branch to push through laws limiting the right to a speedy trial, a right to trial by a jury, and a right against unreasonable search and seasure - among others.

All they have to do is utter "terrorism" and a citizen of America can be held indefinatly, in a secret jail, without access to a defence attorney, and if "classified" evidence is to be used against the accused the "judge" can be a military tribunal. And many people think this is perfectly fine. They have no problem with it.

And when people who know better said anything, all we heard was "Don't you love America?" and "Do you want the terrorist to win?" or "you communist ACLU supporting liberal weenie! Move to France if you do not like it here!".

And yes, I have had all these things said to me. More than likely the person saying it knows more about American Idol than the Bill Of Rights. The drool on the front of their shirt was a clue to their mentality.

On another side note, 53 million Americans voted for Bush in 2004. Now I do not want to suggest that all most Bush voters know about the Bill Of Rights is the Second Amendment, but I will anyway. The gun people will proudly tell you that the Second Amendment protects all the others - but this is just plain WRONG. Without the First Amendment, none of the others matter. And once enough people forget what these five freedoms are, it will be easy to take them away forever.

Works Cited:

BBC World Service
The Scotsman, UK
Washington Post
Google News with over 300 links to this story.

What It Takes To Be An Asshole

Being an asshole is hard work.

For starters, there are sooo many assholes out there that you have to do something special to stand out among the crowd.

This is the problem. So many assholes, and so few ways to really stand out in the pack. In Miami, where assholes are as common as coconut trees, it is getting to the point where standing out is impossible. Almost. But people here have found ways.

I have already covered the driving thing. The multitude of assholes think that they have a right to kill you just because they are in a vehicle. The roads in Miami are a lot like the roads in the "Mad Max, The Road Warrior" movie, only more crowded.

Here is how the typical asshole in Miami decides on which new car to buy. First they consider that a good deal of the oil consumed in America is from the middle east - and that no matter which way you slice it middle east oil supports terrorism. Then they think about the war going on right now for this oil - and all the people that have been killed for it. Then they go out and buy a 8,500 pound giant hunk of shit that gets less than 10 mpg, and put one of those "support the troops" stickers on it.

Now what I think should be done to people that live in a CITY and choose to buy these things is castration. Not chemical castration, but the real deal. If idiots can not reporduce they can not overpopulate the planet. I also think that there should be some kind of massive tax placed on all these vehicles. $10,000 a year ought to be enough. The revinue generated can go to fill in the funding Bush cut from the VA hospital budget for this year.

Then at least people driving these things in the city really can claim that they support the troops. Otherwise, all they are doing is supporting sending people off to die.

Where Is Osama?

Remember the "smoke em out" speeches of 2001? You know, the speeches about how Bin Laden would be found dead or alive?

I remember this. Vividly. And yet, this guy is still out there. Somewhere. Lurking. Maybe even in Canada eh? Who knows.

But I know why he can not be found. Obviously, the military is looking for love in all the wrong places. On a side note, this reminds me of a bad cowboy joke! How did the cowboy get horse poop in his moustache? Looking for love in all the wrong places.

Anyway, what if Osama is in Floirda playing golf? And could it be possible that Osama is living right here in Miami, a mere 10 or so miles from where I live? Is it possible? I will leave you with this evidence I smuggled out of the CIA building.