Technology Update

Here at The Rantings Of The Lazy Iguana, we are always interested in new and advanced technology.

But sometimes we are also amazed at how you can assemble old technology in new ways that allow the lazy to cut corners and still get things done.

And we also think it is a little creepy when an individual refers to them self in the third person, and say "we" when they really mean "I".

As many of you are aware - one of the banes of my existence is mowing the lawn. I find it to be a pointless waste of time. Nature wants the grass to grow. Yet suburban man is obsessed with keeping it short. So all summer - when it is hot as hell outside and I would rather be doing something else - the lawn needs to be mowed.

And of course it just grows back, needing another mowing.

Now pay attention to this - because you are about to learn something important.

You can take that dastardly self propelled walk behind mower and make it into a self propelled robot. And all you need is a thin rope, a metal spike, and a garden hose reel. You can also do away with the garden hose reel by substituting a ring clamp.

A You tube video is worth a thousand words so here you go!!!



By the way, if you can not figure out how a ring clamp can replace the hose reel - all you need to do is ring clamp one end of the thin rope to the spike.

Roentgens

This is a story. A story told best by some woman living in Ukraine who owns a performance motorcycle.

And who is daring enough to venture into "The Wolves Land". A land once home of hundreds of thousands of people - which was suddenly evacuated. To this day, and for many more days to come, the land is really just for the wolves - no humans will live there.

An area that still stands around the shattered remains of this building. The nuclear plant called "Chernobyl".




The amazing photo essay begins HERE. It will take a while to get through all the chapters, but it is worth it.

Dusty had this on her blog a couple of days ago. I have not been able to get the story out of my mind since then.

Crashing Vista

It seems the computer issues are over.

In case you were not paying attention, the trusty old Dell had a slight problem. Some files for corrupted or something. But not just any files! OH NO! it had to be various registry and system files.

The wireless card quit working, as did things in the control panel. All because three or four DLL files got screwed up.

Now I was going to fix it. I just needed a copy of XP. Any copy. The machine has a license code. But I never got a copy of XP.

So now I have another laptop. It was on sale. Core 2 duo processor and shit. And it has bluetooth! So I can use it to answer phone calls.

Which makes me wonder....why would anyone want to do that? Seriously. You want to lug around this big ass laptop so you can use your phone "hands free"?? Are you high?? Or just insane?? Has to be one of the two.

But I am a little paranoid. The thing has a built in web cam. Pointed right at me. Spying on me. Who knows who can connect to it. Who knows what sort of back doors to that thing there are.

Is my computer spying on me??? IS IT!?!?!?!?

So I went into the control panel and disabled it. I also placed a strip of electrical tape over it. HA! SPY ON ME NOW!

I still need a copy of XP so I can attempt to repair the files on the Dell. It is still a perfectly good machine. And it has a lot of stuff on it. I can get to the programs and files on it - no problem. Nothing was lost. But I would like to get it functional anyway. What the hell.

It is good to be back with a functional laptop. Even if it is running Vista. Being tied to the desktop machine seems so 1988. Or was it 1989? When I had a 8088 processor running at 8 mhz. 12 mhz if you kicked it into "turbo" mode. But at least it had a VGA card. WOW!! 256 colors!! NEAT!!

Beat the shit out of the 16 colors on EGA cards, or the 8 colors with CGA.

Ironically, the operating system that thing ran - DOS 3.2, was MUCH more stable and reliable than Windows XP or Vista.

What Happens When Marketing People Smoke Too much Pot?

I have a message for the Toosie Pop marketing and product development.

These are raspberries. Notice what color they are. And no, the photo is not altered. They really are this color. Don't believe me? Go to the supermarket and pick up a carton of some. You will see that they are red.

This is automotive windshield washer fluid. The jug is clear, so the blue color is actually the color of the fluid inside. Again, this is not an altered photo. The stuff really is that color. Blue.

I do not know why it is blue. They could have made it any color. I assume this is so some dumb ass does not think it is really just water. Or maybe it really is just water, but the blue dye in it makes some dumb ass think it cleans the windshield better?

Who knows. The point is, raspberries are red and windshield washer fluid is blue.

And this is a Toosie Roll lollipop, raspberry flavor. On the lower right hand side of the photo.


What color is that?? It is supposed to be raspberry flavored. So why the hell is it the color of windshield washer fluid? Where did you egg heads get blue from? Why not make orange flavor purple? Then you can make grape orange.

Or zebra striped. Whatever. Go nuts! Make a flavor that glows green like plutonium! Call it "nuclear lime" or something.

Blue??? Really??

Not I know red is supposed to be cherry. Fine. You could have made cherry flavor light red, and raspberry a darker red.

But no. You went with Windex. Which is poisonous. And tastes pretty bad.

Now to you marketing people at the Tootsie Roll company - I do not know what kind of pot you all send around in the intra-office mail. Or what kind of LSD you put in the water cooler. I can only imagine it is some potent stuff.

But seriously. You picked a good flavor. Everyone likes raspberry. You even gave the raspberry flavored candy a nice deep red wrapper. Yes, I notice such things. I had to take various marketing classes. As a result, I look at EVERYTHING and for some reason feel the need to think about the marketing behind it.

God help me. I really do this. I can not stop. Life is pretty much ruined for me now.

So why did you pick the same color as glass cleaner for the product? What was the idea behind that? I can not figure out how something red became something blue. Crack? Angel dust? Meth? Acid? Brain damage? Color blindness? Far too much celebration on April 20th at 4:20 PM? WHAT?!?!?! I am stumped. Officially. I am stumped.

PS - Happy birthday to Samuel Morse. And a shout out to Google for reminding me about it.

Light Duty Weekend

The weekend is here! So nothing too heavy. Heavy topics are for the weekday.

Weekends are for beer.

Which brings me to pointless point 1! On Good Friday I went to the supermarket to buy (of all things) dry ice. I needed the dry ice for the long weekend in Key Largo. Had to keep the nasty stinky bait frozen you know! Regular old wet ice will not do that.

And while in the store, I also remembered I needed beer. Not not knowing what beer I might want, I selected three 6 packs. Long Hammer IPA, Samuel Adams Boston ALE, and the old standby - Sierra Nevada Pale.

I liked the Long Hammer. That earns the seal of approval. Of course the Sierra Nevada is always good. But the Boston Ale??? Not really my style. I had high hopes for it. I like the Boston Lager. But the Boston Ale is probably not something I will obtain anytime soon. it was just a bit on the sweet / malty side for me.

And in other news, a while ago I helped a friend out by moving junk out of their place and bringing it....HERE! Where else?

By the way - anyone want a big ass fake Christmas Tree? It is free! Just come get it. I also have a fake sword, some metal dragon wall decoration thing, and..........

A REEL MOWER!!!!


Yes, they still make these things. This is the exact reel mower I got for free. It has an 18 inch cutting path. It uses no electricity and requires no gas. You push it, these blades spin around, and it cuts grass.

It actually cuts the grass amazingly well. When I was forced to take it I was like "great, what the hell am I supposed to do with this shit" - but I figured might as well hang onto it.

I used it Friday. In the late afternoon of course. When the sun was lower in the sky. There is less heat.

It was pretty cool. Grass was flying everywhere. Now the mower is not perfect. Bottle caps that some asshole threw in the lawn caused it to come to a sudden halt once or twice. Twigs also make it come to a stop.

But other than that - it works great. And makes a lot less noise. it requires more work to push it, but no work at all to start it.

For small yards, the reel mower is the way to go. For larger yards - you probably want a power mower. The yard here is small enough that I can use a reel mower, but large enough that I have to think about it.

if the grass is tall - forget it. Go for the power mower.

But there you go. My Earth friendly, does not need any foreign oil, noise free, manual mower.

The neighbors think I am crazy. But that is OK. I think they are morons. So it all balances out.

Torturing Me With Stupidity

What is old is new again.

It seems to me that we knew about the torture shit LONG ago. At least two or three years ago. And the conclusion was this.

There was no torture. At least not by our definition of the word. Come on - it is not like we are using thumb screws here! Just a little water boarding and some other stuff. And yea, the Japanese in WWII did the same thing. So did the Khmer Rouge. But they did it to good people! We are doing it to bad people in order to keep everyone safe!!! So it is OK.

And that was all there was to it. Congress was a bunch of pussies, and the White House was not going to do anything. The Attorney General even gave the OK!

This from an administration that lambasted the previous administration for parsing the legal definition of "sex". Which by the was was ridiculous - oral sex is...well...sex! Otherwise it would not be called "oral sex" now would it? It would be called "oral not sex". But to slam someone for parsing the legal meaning of sex and then go on to play the legal meaning of torture is insane.

But now what is old is new again. More shit was released. We, the United States, was using at least some of the same tactics used by the Khmer Rouge. Granted, the USA has not tortured hundreds of thousands if not millions to death - but still.

We are tainted. The nation that so often in the past took the more moral road sunk to their level.

And the excuse is the same. Kept us safe no more attacks bad people blah blah.

So a few days ago I was out drinking with people. And the subject came up. I got blasted for not supporting the torture.

The same old tired fictional "ticking time bomb" shit kept coming up. So did the "kept us safe" line.

Well yea, except for that one isolated incident we were "safe". But never mind that.

So I countered. Did the torture uncover the plot in Madrid? Did it uncover the plot in London? Did it uncover the plot in India?

No, no, and no. And why? Because these cells are not organized like the military. The left hand does not always know what the right hand is plotting. So sticking bamboo slivers under the left hand is not going to be productive.

The counter to my counter was some what predictable. Screw Spain. We were not concerned with attacks over there - that was their problem. We were only trying to make our homeland safe.

Yea - screw the UK. Our biggest ally and Bush's biggest supporter - until Tony Blair was voted out. Why would we have alerted the limeys to anything? And Spain?? Aren't they communist anyway? Something like that. So screw them.

Or is it possible that we did not alert them because we did not know? That seems a lot more reasonable to me. what a PR campaign that would have been huh?

The hero of 24, who gets the right info at just the right time busts in and finds the bomb makers installing the detonators - saving London and Madrid at the last minute!

Only it did not happen. Because that is not how things happen.

And I also pointed out that I can apply torture to someone and make them admit to being almost anything. I told the people I was talking to that I could have them chained up, deprived of sleep, beaten gently, strung in "stress positions" while naked and viscous attack dogs were all around, and water boarded - and have them admit to being witches! And not the Wicca witches, I am talking green faced with the wart, flying around on brooms, making magical potions, fairy tale witches here.

I could also get them to admit they were the Pope. Or even Mickey Mouse. Hell I could get them to confess to anything!

But would that be a valid confession? Would that be useful intelligence? Could the courts or law enforcement use any of that information?

No, probably not. It would be useless. It would be based in fiction.

It would be someone telling me only what I wanted to hear, so that he punishment would stop.

There never were any witches - even though plenty of people confessed to being one.

So all this is just confusing to me. We are safer, by applying methods intended to elicit only what we want others to say. The truth? Who needs that? We can just get someone to confess to something we want to hear and make that the truth!

Just like The Grand Inquisitor did.

But my point seems to be too abstract to grasp. For I am wring you see. Torture works, and always gets good information that keeps us safe.

The LA plot that was busted up is also back in the news, as an example of how getting information out of some bad dude works. Only problem is that when the plot was uncovered - the bad guy in question was not yet captured. So he could not have been the source of the tip.

So not one plot can be pointed to. Not one example of useful information obtained by torture can be pointed to. Go back as far as you want. Go back to the Salem Witch Trials. How good was the information obtained then? The devil is in the rafters of the court room, and if you do not see him then you are a witch!! And now we will torture you until you confess! Then we will hang you.

Clearly a guilty person there.

If you can, watch "Taxi To The Dark Side". It is about this subject. People who were actually there talk in it. People who actually took part in the interrogations. People who witnessed it.

Perhaps the most damning segment of the movie - and the most depressing for me - was when former military people said that when the case for a war with Iraq was forming, there was tremendous pressure from the "top" to get information linking Iraq to 911. the CIA had none. Nobody had any. There was none.

But they used"enhanced" measures and got some poor slob in Afghanistan to admit there was a link. And so the case was made. Solid proof! Whatever they wanted to hear, they gut the guy to confess to.

The rest as they say is history.

It also turns out that at least some of the "worst of the worst" who were put in GTMO were turned over by an Afghan warlord. See, the USA was paying the guy cash for everyone he turned over. So he would turn over lots of people. And get paid. Until one day the warlord was captured - on the battlefield, by US forces. See he was really a bad guy, who was covering his tracks by just turning other people over. For money.

The men turned over by the warlord were released from GTMO. I am sure they have nothing but fond memories of their treatment there. If they did not likethe USA before they sure do now!

Now if that is true - and I do not see any evidence to suggest it is not true - that is really bad. All the people killed, all the money spent. And for what? For us to not be any safer? For a war based on "evidence" that was not only not true, but actually manufactured?

Unless of course you want to think that there was never anything said about WMDs in Iraq - even though none were found.

But we are "safer". And more investigation will make use "unsafe". The CIA operatives are "scared".

Only none of it is true. The only ones who are scared are those who were in on the decision making process, or those who are ardent supporters of those who made the decisions. The wall is about to fall down.

The whole thing needs to be uncovered. And those who made the decisions need to be called to the carpet for it. Not the lowest ranking Army Reservist they can find. No, they need to find the highest ranking people they can.

There is not any other option really.

Once this nation's honor is restored, we can truly look forward.

And let Lindsy England out of jail. She took most of the rap for the whole Iraqi prison thing. And she was a private in the reserves! The janitor was a higher rank than her. Yet the grand investigation only found her. She did it all. Alone. By herself. She was the one and only mastermind. Nobody else knew anything.

What a crock of bullshit that was. And what a disgrace to the honor of this nation.

Without Google, I Would Not Know What The Hell Is Going On

So, yesterday was Earth Day. A whole day, just for the Earth.

I find it somewhat ironic that the Earth does not get the day off. It still has to be a planet and shit. Can it go visit its friend Jupiter and have a beer???

No.

Therefore, I conclude that Earth Day is a farce. If there is ever a "Lazy Iguana Day" you can bet your ass that Ill take the day off. And I better get free drinks at a bar too. Otherwise - what is the point ion having the day named after you?

Likewise, if a street is ever named after me I want it to be State Road 836, also known as the Dolphin Expressway. Well after it is named after me it will be the "Lazy Iguana Expressway".

Why an expressway? Is my ego that big?

No. Hardly. It is just that the 836 is a toll road, and if it is named after me then I should get free tolls AND a cut of the tolls everyone else pays. Ill even take a 1% cut. Tens of thousands of cars are using the TWO toll booths on that road daily.

Having a surface road named after you - a free road with no tolls - is worthless.

But getting back to the title - Earth Day would have come and gone for me, and I would not have even noticed. But Google prevented that from happening!

You see, when I opened up the web browser Google is my home page. So I saw this.


Right there, at the top of the page, was the special Earth Day logo. Created on a computer that consumes electricity - which is most likely produced by coal.

So I was reminded that it was Earth Day. For the whole day.

And I.........

Had to buy gas for the truck. I was out. It was not able to put it off till today, or else I would have. Because as everyone knows - ALWAYS put off until tomorrow things that do not have to be done today!

It is not just a philosophy for me, it is a life style.

So thank you Google - for once again reminding me about events going on. I know I can always count on Google to create a special logo. I do not need to look at a calendar. Just go to Google every day and look for a special logo!!

Rediscovery

I have rediscovered Netflix.

As you may have noticed, the movies listed under the "Now Playing On Netflix" section have not changed in a long time.

Part of that was laziness. But mostly I have not been sending in titles. I sat on some movies for months.

I do not know why. They sucked. And sitting on movies is silly. You pay every month no matter what. If you are going to sit on movies you are really not getting anything for the membership fee.

Netflix likes it however. They make more money that way.

So I have some more stuff arriving today. I have the fourth Futurama movie (Into The Wild Green Yonder), The Flaming Lips Christmas On Mars, and What Lies Beneath.

I have also rediscovered the Netflix player I got shortly after Christmas. That thing really is cool. I can add movies to my "watch it now" queue and the player allows me to watch the movie on the TV. This is good because watching stuff on the computer does not seem to work. It is supposed to - but no. Media Player keeps screwing up.

The Netflix player also allows me to rent new movies from Amazon for $3. So that is cool. I did not know it did that. The player is wirelessly connected to the internet all the time, so I guess it is also getting updates.

Other than that- there is NOTHING going on here.

4-20!

It is 4-20! So you know what that means!!

Yea, I am on to all you 4-20 people. Your little underground holiday is not so underground after all.

Well maybe it is. I am sure someone reading this is going to Google "4-20" to find out what the hell is going on.

But I know.

And everyone is into it. Well not everyone - that is not really true. Some people have these things called "jobs" and part of the requirements to keep said "jobs" is to not have unauthorized chemicals in your piss. At any moment - maybe even right now (if you are at work) someone can bust into your work space with a plastic cup and demand a pee sample.

Much like the Spanish Inquisition - only not as funny. And probably no snazzy red uniforms.

So you have to be ready for that. And the easiest (and best) way to be ready for that is to NOT take part in any facet of the 4-20 underground holiday. Not even a little.

Go out and have a beer instead. After work of course. That is acceptable. Just do not have too many or else the acceptable becomes unacceptable.

And that is just the way it is.

The Nanza In The Bay

Saturday was Baynanza! What is Baynanza! Well like the post title suggests, it is a nanza in the bay.

Actually I have no idea why it is called that. I did not name it. I do not see how a bonanza fits in with Baynanza.

But that is not important.

Baynanza is an annual event cooked up by the County Department of Environmental Resource Management.

The idea is to clean up the bay. Of course this can not really be done in one day. To really get the job done, it would take hoardes of volunteers that are out every day, not to mention an armada of boatsto transport all the people, and also look for trash floating in the water. This is not going to happen however.

So the County has a one day blitz, where a lot of people show up and pick up a lot of trash. There are other groups that take it upon themselves to do monthly cleanup efforts on a smaller scale, but even on the islands where this happens there is still A LOT of garbage to be picked up for Baynanza.

Since I volunteered, my job was what it has been for a couple of years. Show up at a site with the boat, and transport volunteers to the cleanup sites. My boat is perfect for beaching. It is a lot like a landing craft. I can park the bow right on the beach of the islands (providing I do not see a bunch of rocks) and the catamaran design means the boat remains on an even keel.

The people then get off the boat, and I head back to the staging area for more people. Or supplies. Or whatever.

At the end of the event, I go back to the islands to transport the volunteers back to the staging area.

Pretty easy really. Show up, transport people and stuff, hang out somewhere on standby in case someone needs to go somewhere OR a cooridnator needs to get somewhere OR more supplies are needed OR some crisis happens. Then when the event is wrapping up, pick up people and supplies and bringthem back to whereever they left from.

And for my efforts I get a cool 2009 Baynanza long sleeve t-shirt. Only boat captians and crew or coordinators can score a long sleeve t-shirt. Everyone else gets a regular short sleeve one. So I am special. People will see my long sleeve t-shirt and think "that asshole has a boat".

All in all - it was a fun filled event. A LOT of garbage was collected. The pile of trash bags was quite impressive - for only a couple of hours of collection.

Ill be there for Baynanza 2010.

Full Of Great Ideas

I was out with some friends, having a couple of beers - when I was struck by a flash of genius.

Over the noise of the crowd at the sidewalk tables of the cafe, I heard someone clearly say "holy shit".

So I thought that I will start to say "satanic shit". From now on.

When "satanic shit" hits your town, you will know where it came from. I intend to start a national trend.

Feel free to steal it, and spread the trend even faster.

Someone Run Future Protest Names Past Me

Well tax day hath come and gone.

Unless you have not filed yet. Or unless you filed for an extension. If this is the case, might as well get it over with already. It is not going to go away.

But new to this year - with much amusement to me - were tax day protesters. The tea baggers. Going all over America with tea bags protesting. Trying to invoke images of the Boston Tea Party - where colonists dressed up like natives and raided British tea ships, dumping the tea into Boston Harbor. While bravely trying to make the British think it was...THE INDIANS! Yes, it is those pesky savages that did it! Not us fine upstanding slightly pissed off subjects of the crown.

Or maybe they just likes dressing up like Indians. I do not know, I was not there. I think it happened before I was born.

But there is more to the protest besides the name that amuses me.

Now I know the right wing cranks just can not stoop low enough to make an ass out of themselves whenever possible. And generally I support their efforts to make themselves look like idiots. But this case really has me confused.

For you see, the taxes filed yesterday was for income earned LAST YEAR, and under a budget passed LAST YEAR. You know, when that other guy was President. And when that other guy was President, any protest at all meant you supported the terrorists.

So all the humorous signs about socialism and communism and so on - was over the same tax policy that has been in place since 2001? So why protest now? what took you cranks so long?

It seems to me that it would have been better to wait for the new President - who has only been in office for a few months - to actually sign a budget and a tax policy BEFORE you go out and protest it. What was actually being protested yesterday was a policy passed last year. When that other guy was in office.

Of course I realize what it was really all about. Socialism blah blah blah. Whatever some asshole on the radio said. It all must be true.

Which reminds me of a time when I was not yet born. The 50s.. Or maybe it was the 40s? Who knows. But there was this guy named Senator McCarthy. He saw communists hiding behind every tree. Why, there is one!! And another!! Oh my, they are going to take over! Everyone who disagreed with McCarthy was a communist. Anyone who was critical of him was a communist.

Anyone who even questioned him was a communist.

The amusing thing here is that McCarthy was trying to crush all political opposition to him personally by accusing anyone else who opposed him of being a communist.

Which is a lot how one party states - communist states - operate.

Fortunately for America, McCarthy failed in his quest to create a one party state.

Which gets us back to yesterday, and the protest to pin last years policy on the new guy. And the talk of socialism. Ohh look out!! There is a socialist!! Behind the tree!!!

And of course, the alternative the tea baggers propose works so well! More cuts to the top, so they will create more jobs. And why not! It has worked out so very well! Why, no jobs were sent to China in the 80s, 90s, or from 2000 - 2009! And the economy was doing so great until Jan 20 of this year!

This is the reason I think so many are not taking the cranks seriously. They are a parody of themselves. Spending was great when they were doing it. Passing bullshit budgets that looked good on paper but seriously underfunded the war was fine. After all - "emergency" spending could always be passed.

And it was. Sometimes twice a fiscal year. Running up massive debt was all fun and games. Reagan said "deficits do not matter" after all.

Excpet for now. Deficits only matter when right wing cranks are not setting the agenda. That must have been what Reagan really said.

That or Reagan was wrong.

I really do not know.

So what will 2009 look like? Got me. I missed some payments on my magical crystal ball and it was repoed.

But I suspect the patriotic tea baggers will be out again in 2010, with the same reccyled signs.

I will just be happy if I have to pay any taxes, as that means I will have made more money this year than last year.

The Easter Pelican

It seems there is no Easter Bunny in the Florida Keys.

There is however the Easter Pelican.

The mini vacation went over OK. Key Largo is actually very close. Only an hour or so drive. There were two vehicles. My dad pulled the boat, I had the Waverunenr in tow.

I stayed at Snappers. It is really a waterfront restaurant / bar - but it just happens to have 4 little hotel rooms upstairs. The rates are very reasonable too. For an extra $20, there was a wet slip for the boat. The Waverunner stayed in the same slip, made fast to the boat.

The food at Snappers is pretty good. And there are three bars. One is inside, one is outside, and one is "The Turtle Club" - which is also outside. I liked The Turtle Club bar the best. Lots of locals seem to hang out there.

There were many adventures to be had. There was the fishing mission. There was getting thrown off the waverunner at 30 mph - hitting the water and skipping like a stone across the surface.

And then there was this feeding frenzy I created at Molasses Reef. I was snorkeling at the time. I thought it would be cool if I threw some leftover bait squid in the water.

Easter Weekend Bail Out

Seeing as how all the banks are getting bailed out - I decided to bail too.

So on Friday, I am leaving Miami for Key Largo. My dad found a dockside restaurant with 4 or 5 rooms above the bar.

There is also a wet slip for the boat. The Waverunner also wants to go. It really hates to be left at home alone. It gets scared.

The cool part here is that all I have to do to get to any one of THREE bars is walk downstairs. This is cool. I can handle stairs.

And then to get back to the room, I just need to crawl up some stairs. I can handle this. I learned to crawl before I could walk!!!

Ill be back Monday. Or maybe Sunday evening, depending on a number of factors.

Laptop Problems

Looks like it may be time for another computer. This one is acting up. There was some problem with the hard drive, the registry got fucked up, some DLL files are fucked up - and now some things do not work anymore.

Like the wireless card. It does not work, and I can not run the software I downloaded from Dell that is supposed to reinstall the drivers. Because the Microsoft DLL file is fucked up.

And I can't get the Microsoft file because Internet Exploder does not seem to want to run the Windows Update site.

Needless to say. I am not very happy.

I have to forward all my email to another inbox that I have to create. This will back that shit up. Then I have to stash some programs and stuff onto a thumb drive.

Then I have to buy another copy of XP, get a new hard drive, and start over.

It is going to be so much fun, Ill be whistling happy tunes out of my asshole!!!!

I Learned Something Today

Learning is fun.

After investing far too much time in this project, I learned how to use Photoshop. Sort of. I am sure I did this the hard way - but that was only because I could not figure out the easy way. If there was one. Who knows.

So behold - my handy work!!!!


For a first attempt, I am pleased. Sure it is not perfect. Hell, it is a hack job. But whatever. I am pleased with the result.

The Fuzz also submitted a creation. And here it is!!


So there. Two masterpieces. Two creations. Two more original pieces of art, floating around the internet, adding to the global data base.

The challenge is still open to anyone who is interested by the way!!

Challenge Still Open!

It seems that the response to my Photoshop Challenge was weak!

So the challenge remains!

Come on - SOMEONE has to be able to add a simple rubber chicken to a photo!!

Test Your Photoshop Skills!!

Time for a Lazy Photoshop Challenge!! On the photo above. A larger version of the same photo can be found HERE.

Your mission - photoshop a RUBBER CHICKEN into the angry woman's hand. For maximum comedic effect, the head of the rubber chicken should be hanging behind the hand, with the body hanging in front of the arm. Fellow blogger Dusty requires the above photo with a rubber chicken added.

Like this. At least this is what I had in mind.


But you are the Photoshop artist! Not me - so you can add the rubber chicken however you like.

EDIT - I was just informed in the comments section that a knife is also acceptable, although there is agreement that a rubber chicken is by far funnier.

Contest participants may upload their creation to the internet, and send me the link. Or post the entry to your blog and let me know about it.

The winning photo will be stolen, and posted here. Well not stolen. Ill announce who did it.

Your prize - fame and fortune. Only no fortune.

Hey, it could be worse! You could be winning a case of this stuff!


Yes, this is a REAL food product. And a COLOSSAL marketing failure. NOBODY wants "cock flavored soup", even if it is spicy.

Crap You Do Not Need

Hello, and welcome to.....

CRAP.....YOU.....DO.....NOT.....NEED!!!!

Yes, its Crap You Do Not Need! A feature of this blog where I find a stupid product that NOBODY needs. Ever.

And today's lucky product is.......

THE NINJA UMBRELLA!!

You too can bring honor to your family with the ninja umbrella featuring a samurai sword handle. Comes with carrying case for dramatic effect (and easy transport).

Really. I am not making this up. A ninja umbrella.



I can totally picture this conversation taking place.

Rain: Ninja! You are but a mere mortal and no match for my powerful torrent. Do you surrender?

Ninja: Ah, Rain. You are a most worthy opponent and teacher. But I will never surrender.

Rain: Ha! Ha! Ha! Your bravery humors me. Please continue.

Ninja: Laugh now, Rain, for it will be the last time. (Unsheathes umbrella.)

Rain: The ninja umbrella!? But I thought it was a myth!

Ninja: Used by the samurais before me. Passed down by my ancestors. Full of the wisdom of the ancients. With this umbrella, I will defeat you once and for all, and I will bring honor to my family and dry clothes to my home. HIIIIYAAAA!

NOBODY needs this. NOBODY needs a ninja umbrella.

Everyone knows real ninjas are able to dodge the individual rain drops anyway. Real ninjas do not need umbrellas.

Real ninjas also do not need the supply closet at work. They simply take whatever they need from unsuspecting coworkers.

As demonstrated by myself, in this undercover office surveillance video. I needed a stapler. So I got one.

Skipper, Broke Ass Weekend, Working The System

As you may be aware, Skipper went to vet 2 Friday. A small chunk of skin was removed, and stitches were installed.

And there is a new bag of expensive cat food. Some sort of "low allergen" special cat food.

So it looks like the allergy theory is back on the table! Or something. Maybe the skin biopsy thing will test for allergies. Who knows.

I so know one thing. The weekend is here. And the Waverunner needs to be modified. There is this feature called the "visibility spout". This is a stream of water that shoots up out of the rear platform when the engine is running.

The purpose of this stream is to make you more visible on the water. And it does that - the stream shoots up a good 20 feet or more.

BUT.......

If the wind is behind you, and you are not going fast enough, the stream soaks you. It also makes life difficult for those following you.

So for around 5 bucks I got two nylon fittings and a PVC ball valve. Now all I have to do is cut the visibility spout hose, then install the nylon fittings and the PVC valve. Then I can turn the spout on or off at will.

This weekend will probably not be too terribly exciting. Nothing is planned. I am broke. Got no money. No money with which to do anything with. I do not know if I even have quarters for the parking meter.

Speaking of parking - here is a tip for all you Dade County people!!!

Parking at the Metrorail stations is FREE! Yes, free. You can pay the $4 if you want, but it is optional.

And I opt to not pay.

The last 10 times I used the train, I did not pay. Now if you consider that had I paid, it would be $40 in parking fees.

A parking ticket is $15 or $16.

Now doing some math, it becomes clear that if you get away with not paying 4 times, and get busted on the 5th time - you are money ahead!!! Here is how the math works.

Cost of paying to park 5 times at $4 a pop = $20
Cost of a paring ticket = $16.

By NOT paying, you are ahead $4!!!! HA!!! $4!! That is a whole pint of beer at Titanic!! It is like getting said pint of beer for FREE!!!!

My advice is to pick a station with a large parking garage. These have a lot of parking spaces. The parking garage at Dadeland Station Mall is something like 14 floors and has a gazillion parking spaces. So to get a ticket there, the parking dude has to first find out which spaces are paid and which are not paid. To do this he has to get out of the car, walk into the station, fiddle with the machine, get back in the car, then drive through the station checking EVERY SPACE.

Now if you were the paring dude - would you do this? Would you really??

My experience says no. No you will not.

The South Miami station is also good. The parking garage is smaller, but there are still a lot of spaces. Avoid stations like UM and Coconut Grove and others with no garage and only about 100 parking spots. Your chances of getting busted are greater.

But I did get away with parking at the UM station last time.

As I said, I have done this some 10 times, for a net savings of $40. That is a pretty respectible bar tab at Titanic. At least 10 beers - not counting tax and tip.

Even if I get a parking ticket the next two times, I am still money ahead.

And THAT is how you work the system to your advantage, and pocket some money in the process!!!

Next week - how to score a FREE FARE on the train!!! This involves getting someone to dress up like Elvis, so you can say to the Wackenhut guard "Look! There is Elvis!!!!" - and when they look you can jump the turnstyle and run up the escalator.

Works every time.

Itchy Skipper

This is going to be a Skipper intensive post.

As yoi may recall, Skipper is the newest cat to take up residence here. He also likes to get on your shoulder. Once he is on your shoulder, he just hangs out as you meander about the place. Sometimes he gets up there because he wants to be fed, sometimes he just wants to hang out.

And he is also having some sort of problem. Here is what Skipper currently loosk like.

Notice the large area devoid of fur. This is the problem. The missing fur is from excessive licking and scratching.

Or so I think. The primary vet thinks it is an allergy. It started out as little spots around his neck, which looked a lot like flea allergy. I have had to deal with that before. So I got the flea-be-gone stuff and got rid of the fleas. It is really easy to do now. That once a month flea-be-gone stuff works very well.

But the itching did not stop. It got worse.

So then the theory shifted to food allergies. I ordered some special (meaning expensive) cat food that is supposed to be free of anything that causes allergic reactions in cats. It is something like $40 a bag.

Skipper does not eat a lot, which is good. The bag lasts a long time. But the other cats still eat the same food Skipper is suspected of being allergic to. Skipper gets into it sometimes.

And it may not be a food allergy.

In fact, it may not be an allergy at all!!

Seeking a second opinion, Skipper went to see a different vet. There was some other possible cause the second vet mentioned, something about an internal organ problem. So there was a blood test.

The blood test came back good. No problems were detected.

Skipper goes back to the second vet today for a skin biopsy. The skin test will rule out any non-allergy related explanation. I think.

Screw national health care. What I need at this point is national VET care.

The Interrogation

The interrogation went over well. They tried to pull the "good cop bad cop" routine on me. But I watch FAR too much television cop shows for that to work on me. So I indicated that I am willing to talk, but first I need some coffee. And cream - but not that fake powdered crap!! I require some real cream. In fact, I require some heavy cream! Yea. And a muffin. Blueberry. And not that imitation blueberry crap!!! They better be fresh, because I will know!!!

Then, after getting all the free food and drinks that I thought I was going to be able to get, I started fake screaming. NO!! NOT THE HOT POKER!!! PLEASE!!! ILL TALK!!! ILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING!! OH NO!!! NO NO NO NO!!! NOT THE BAMBOO SLIVERS!!!

And THAT is how you ace an interrogation. If there is a job opening in the company for raving lunatic - I am in. I hear raving lunatic positions pay very well. This guy told me that. He has made big bucks as CEO of AIG.

Also, and this is key - I think I scared off the other people there to interview. By removing all competition, they will HAVE TO take me.

I am always full of good ideas.

And now.....

But all is not perfectly well!!!! I forgot my sunglasses somewhere. I know where. I can get them back. They are locked inside a file cabinet. I can always get them out, I have the key to the door and I know the combination to the lock on the file cabinet. But I will have to drive there without sunglasses. Well I have other sunglasses - but the lenses are cracked.

I also have some goggles I got for use with the Waverunner - but I will look silly driving around with them on.

The real question here is....why do people feel they can just trust me with a key to the place? OH YEA! I forgot. I am in charge of the operation. How silly of me. I keep forgetting.

Being in charge of an operation is fun. I can bring beer and nobody can say crap about it. Nobody there has the power to fire me. And if they do fire me? No big deal. The operation does not really pay anything.

They call it "volunteering". I call it "slavery". Pretty much the same thing. You get to do things, and not get paid for it.

The part about the sunglasses is actually true. I really did space them in the cabinet, which is currently locked up.

As for the rest......well it may or may not have really happened. I may be making it all up. I might be embellishing just a tad. I might not have really started screaming about bamboo slivers that do not exist.

OK they do exist. There really is bamboo, and I am sure there are also bamboo slivers. But there was not any bamboo in the room at the time.

But the people on the other side of the door did not know that!!!

I will await news of my fate.