Ice Wine

You all lucked out. I wrote another boring political opinion post regarding Rumsfield's "new kind of fascism" comment. But I deleted it. In it's place, I came up with this.

So what is the big deal with the Ice Wine you ask? Why was my one and only duty free alcohol purchase on the cruise ship ice wine? Lets find out!

Ice Wine can only be produced in a few places in the world. The largest producer of ice wine in the world is Canada. Ice Wines are also made in the Czech Republic, Germany, and Russia.

So what makes them so special, and why can't ice wine be produced in California's Sonoma Valley?

The reason is because special conditions MUST be met for a wine to be an ice wine. The grapes must ripen and freeze on the vine. Naturally. Not in a freezer. In Canada, by law, the grapes must be harvested at -7 Celsius (or lower) to be ice wine. But if they are too cold, the grapes can break the presses. So when the air temperature hits -7, the harvesters must work quickly.

When the grapes freeze on the vine, the water turns into ice crystals. The grapes are then harvested, by hand so there is no machinery to defrost them - and then pressed. All while still frozen. The result is a few drops of super concentrated grape juice. Most of the water in the grape is left in the press. For ice wine production, the press is exposed to the cold so as to not defrost the grapes.

The concentrated juice is then fermented very slowly. When the fermentation stops, the resulting wine is still very sweet. It is then filtered and bottled.

As you can imagine, this presents a problem to wine producers. Plant the grapes too late and they freeze before they are ripe. Plant too early and the crop rots on the vine, or the producer is forced to harvest early and just make regular wine. This is why only a few countries can make the stuff. You have to be in a place where the transition from summer to winter happens FAST. You need the warmer weather to grow and ripen the grapes, then a snap freeze that hits quickly but not too hard. And you must be able to predict when the freeze will take place so you know when to plant!

Unfrozen, a producer can expect a single grape vine to produce a bottle of wine. Once the grapes are frozen, that same vine may produce but a single glass of wine. Many more grapes are needed to make a bottle of ice wine than are required for a bottle of table wine.

For all these reasons, Ice Wine tends to be more expensive than table wine. It is often sold in half bottles (375 mL). In Asia, bottles can go for as much as $300. In Canada you can get a bottle for about $45 (I think that figure is in US Dollars). I got my bottle for around $50 on the cruise ship. It was bottled in 2002 from Vidal grapes. I found it on the internet for $75 plus shipping. I got a pretty good deal.

I bought the last bottle on the ship. I did not even enter a duty free shop till Sunday (almost the end of the cruise). If I would have gone sooner I would have bought at least two bottles. The stuff is not easy to find in Miami - I would probably have to special order it and pay a premium price.

Ill let you all know how the stuff is when I open it.

Gentlemen, Behold!

I have created a web page for some of the photos I took on my cruise! Marvel in amazement at my mad skills!

Hurricane Ernesto Update

It is another FAKE HURRICANE. The forecast went from 65 mph winds to 45 mph winds to 20 - 30 mph winds. One entire quadrant of the storm seems to have vanished. Right now it is quiet outside. I may or may not even get a single band of rain.

Just so you all know.

Free Day Off / Cruise Breakdown!

I do not have to go to work today. Work was cancelled due to some kind of hurricane or tropical storm or something. Of course, I still get paid - which is very important because I am in a post-cruise lack of money situation. I will not need shutters, but they are up anyway. It is dark in my cave, which is good for the lobsterfication thing I have going on. Dark is good. UV light is BAD!

So now for the cruise breakdown!

1. People eat a hell of a lot on a cruise. I could not believe it. Its almost like people have not seen food in weeks.

2. The water is HOT! And I do mean HOT! Super HOT! Almost at boiling point. In the shower, turn the cold water on max then ever so slightly bump up the hot water. It will not take much. Want to see for yourself? When you get in your cabin, turn on the hot water and close the bathroom door. Wait just a few minutes. It will be raining inside the bathroom.

3. The toilet flushes with a vengeance. It uses a powerful vacuum and not much water. Do not be sitting on the bowl when you push the flush button! You may get stuck.

4. People like to DRINK on the ship! I mean, I am not opposed to drinking - but holy crap! For some people, the whole cruise is one big drinking game. One drinking game is "the wave game". Everytime you see a wave, you drink. I am surprised the people at my dinner seating were all still alive at the end of the cruise.

5. You sit with the same people at the dinner seating for the entire cruise. The cruise I went on was done through the university I graduated from - so my table was full of other FIU people. And the booze! Every night someone at the table was smashed. In Mexico, they drank 80 Caronas! They were ordering them 20 at a time. In Mexico beer is only 10 pesos a bottle, which in gringo money works out to $1. 80 beers?!?!?!?! For only 8 people?!?!?! And not all 8 people drank their 10 beers. Some only had 4 or 5. Which means someone else had to drink the extras. In contrast I had one shot of fresh tequila and ONE "Cervesa Barrelito".

6. In Mexico they have crazy flavors of snack foods. Like lime and salt fritos. If you ever go, DO look for crazy flavors of stuff.

7. In the Yucatan, the water IS safe to drink. The geology is a lot like Florida - a thin layer of dirt on top of limestone. The water seeps into the ground forming fast underground rivers. The water pumped from this underground river is about as clean and pure as you can get. There is very little surface water, unlike Florida - so there are fewer swamps and I did not detect any bugs. I could go back to Cozumel for at least a week and just stay there! The beaches are white and sandy, with no broken sea shells and crap - and the water is clear, turquoise blue. Stunning.

8. In Mexico, the street conversion rate is 10 pesos to one gringo dollar. But if you use plastic, the conversion rate is 11 pesos to one gringo dollar. So, unlike everywhere else in the known universe, you get a 10% discount if you pay with plastic. This means, mis amigos, that one can barter if they pay cash (and by cash I mean gringo dollars). The merchants know the credit card conversion rate is not 10 to 1, and they know that they have to pay a percentage to Visa or Master Card. So if you use cash, do not hesitate to deduct 10% (or more) from the list price. Si? Bueno!

9. Do not be cheap. Pay the little bit extra for an ocean view cabin. The inside cabins have no window. You want the window. It lets light in. With the inside cabin, you have a cave. No sunlight in the morning. The balcony rooms are good if you plan to hang in the cabin - otherwise do not bother. On a short cruise (three to four day) I do not think that the balcony is really needed. For a longer cruise, or an Alaska cruise, I would book a balcony cabin.

10. The cabins are small. A family of four may be able to squeeze into one stateroom - but it will be very cramped. So keep this in mind. For families, the balcony suites do offer far more room.

Humm. What else? I guess that is about it - for now. If I think up more stuff, Ill post it. I am working on getting my cruise photo page up. I got some pretty good pics - Ill put the best ones online.

But right now it is TROPICAL STORM TIME! It feels like something is on the way. The cats are slightly bugging. They can tell something is on the way. But everything will be OK. It will not be a big storm - nothing like a category 3 or 5 storm. Just a little wind and some rain. At the most, it will be a minimal cat 1 storm. That is 75 mph winds. Just like Katrina, which only took out the power for about a week. Happy times!

Some Communist Bullshit

So, the cruise is over. I made it back to Miami just in time for HURRICANE HYSTERIA! AGGHHHHH!! RUN!!!! HIDE!!!! The wind is going to blow, and it might rain!!!!

This is some serious communist bullshit here. I have to work tomorrow, but can my lobsterfied ass just lounge around trying to hide from any source of light so the red will go away? Hell no. I have to put up shutters. And find a place for my kayak to hang out. And so on.

Actually, it is a little more serious than that. The power will probably go out - again. What a GREAT FRIGGIN IDEA it was to not bury all the power lines! I am so glad that all the utility lines are above ground on wooden poles - where trees can knock them down and wind can slap them together blowing fuses and transformers. During an actual hurricane if you have a porch not facing the wind you can sit out and watch the green flashes. Each green flash is a transformer signing off. The fun part is guessing which green flash will make your TV turn off.

And then there is the "blue roof" problem. Many people still have blue tarps from last year's hurricanes. And why? Because insurance companies LOVE to deposit your premium checks, but they HATE to write checks. So good luck with your claim! You may get the money - and you may not. But either way, your rates shoot up.

Anyway, here are the fun details. As always, the image is clickable if you want a lager picture with more detail.

And now, back to the CRUISE! The first day was cool. I checked in, got on the ship, went to the cabin, and put away all my crap. Then it was off to the Lido Deck for some chow. On a cruise boat, there is always food somewhere. Just follow the "large" people and they lead you right to it. And holy crap - do people EAT! Its like they have never seen food before. HUGE plates, overflowing with food.

After I had a light snack, I decided to check out the sports deck. This was as high up as I gould get in the bow section of the ship. I hung out there while the boat left the docks.

Next was the LIFEBOAT DRILL! How fun! You get to pretend the boat is sinking. First, you have to run to your stateroom, which is usually ALWAYS on a deck below the one you are on. Thats right - they make you run TOWARDS the direction of the imaginary liquid of death before you can escape to safety.

When you find your stateroom (if you can - some were already tossed at this point barely one hour into the cruise), you have to locate the bulky ass lifejackets, put one on, then go to your muster station. Now these lifejackets are HUGE. And HOT. And about as comfortable as a rat trap sprung on your nuts (nipples if you do not have nuts). After WAY TOO LONG, the boat wistle sounds and you can stop preteding the boat is sinking, and put the lifejacket away.

From that point on you just do whatever you want. You can duty free shop. I picked up some CANADIAN ICE WINE. There are shows. There are pools. There are bars. There are deck chairs where one can get skin cancer. There is a disco. A casino. Or, you can just hang out on an open deck in a chair in the shade and watch the world float by.

And speaking of floating - the water in the Gulf Stream is this amazing blue color. You have to see it. I can only describe it as "gulf stream blue".

That is all for now. More later. IF I have power that is. Stupid hurricane!

Out To Sea

Everything is packed. I do not think I forgot anything. And if I did forget anything - I either do not need it OR I can buy it in Key West.

Here is what is the master plan is!!!

1. The ship leaves port at 16:00 TODAY! Ill be at the port by 12:30, so I can get on board and get slightly tossed before the boat moves. I have to get up early (CRAP!!!) to run by the house the airport to get some stuff. I also have to run by a Walgreens or CVS to get some stuff. Like sunscreen and a disposable waterproof camera. And stuff.

2. Friday I am in Key West. I called Fury Tours directly and booked the snorkeling trip. The Fury is a 60 foot catamaran sailboat. This is what I need the waterproof camera for! After the trip is over, Ill have a little time to walk stumble around Key West. After the sailboat trip I will be thirsty. Saltwater does that to you. I will be in need of a watering hole. And by "watering hole" I mean someplace with decent beer flowing out of kegs. By the cubic yard.

3. Saturday I am in MEXICO! I have not booked ANY shore excursion for Mexico yet. I WANT to visit the ancient ruins of Tulum. How cool is that?!?! Ancient ruins! Are you kidding!?!? IM THERE! I am also going to drink the water - because everyone says not to. SCREW THEM! What does "everybody" know anyway? Ill show them!

4. Sunday is a "fun day at sea". This means the whole day I am at sea! No port of call to get in the way of me going to the ship casino. At least this is the plan the cruise line has! That is where the "fun" comes in. It is "fun" for the company because EVERYONE ON BOARD is a captive audience, with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Except shop. And drink. And play video poker. But after the Mexican water experience, I may just spend the day on the shitter. It will save me money.

5. Monday I arrive back in Miami. All good things must come to an end.

I am not taking the laptop - but I may just spend some time in the public computer lounge on the boat! So keep checking back here for stuff. I might even post a few drunken comments on other blogs from sea!

But if not, then on Monday Ill put something here. Maybe a post-cruise "HA HA I had all this fun while you were at home" gloating post or something.

And I will begin the work making some pages on lazyiguana.org for the photos I will take.

Sooooo.....I suppose that is it! All that is left to do is make a beer offering to Poseidon. I will do this once I get on the boat and get some beer. Everytime I go out on my boat if I FORGET to make a slight beer offering to Poseidon - the suction cup drink holder thingies come loose causing A LOT of beer to spill. Spilled beer means I was not able to drink it.

The War On Cartoons

We might as well just BAN Tom And Jerry cartoons. At least this is what some people are trying to push.

And why not! There is the whole rascism theme in the cartoon. When I was growing up they used to show ALL the cartoons - but not anymore. You will NEVER EVER see the episode this frame is from.

Nor will you see the cartoon this frame is from. The character Mammy has been BANNED!

I could not even find pictures of Mammy on the internet! I did however find a classic audio clip featuring Mammy. Even using Google Images! But Mammy is not cut out of Gone With The Wind! Not yet at least.

Of course, we all know that since the questionable episodes of Tom And Jerry have been cut, racism has vanished. Even children that have parents in the Klan do not grow up to be racist - without the Tom And Jerry cartoons!

But now it is the SMOKING that is under attack! Oh yes, many episodes feature smoking.

Just look at that! Why, it makes me want to rush out and smoke a stogie right now! In fact, excuse me while I rush out to buy one right now! Oh wait, never mind. I am too lazy.

I grew up watching these cartoons, and I do not smoke. I guess I did not watch enough of Tom and Jerry! Why, had I watched more then I would be a smoker!

This may come as a shock to many parents but THE TELEVISION IS NOT SUPPOSED TO RAISE YOUR KIDS! You are supposed to do this. If YOU smoke, do not blame cartoons when your kid does the same. YOU set the examples. YOU set the standards. Not a cartoon cat and mouse.

But why stop here! Several episodes feature either Tom or Jerry drinking! There is even one episode where Tom is haunted by pink elephnats. Clearly, the drinking episodes are a bad influence on kids. So lets take those episodes off the air too. THAT will cure underage drinking!

But what about the VIOLENCE?

GUNS!?!? Pointed at a mouse and a duck?!?!? NO WONDER there are so many school shootings! Kids think that because a cartoon car uses guns, they can too!

And this is not all. Sometimes, Tom gets his head cut off!

Do we want this on TV???!?!? Where children can see it??

The time has come to BAN TOM AND JERRY. We can end violence, decapitations, racism, underage smoking, and underage drinking! We can also end whaling.

One Metal Pick, A Sink Full Of Blood, And Seven Franklins

What do all the items listed in the title have in common? Can't figure it out? Ill give you a photo hint!

Today was the "deep cleaning" day. It seems that a bunch of plaque causing bacteria decided to move in under my gums. So - they had to be evicted.

This is how the deep cleaning works. It is a lot like the regular cleaning - only on areas BELOW the gum line. So yes, there will be blood. But no photos of it. It is enough to say there were blood clots, little chunks of gum, and probably a whole lot of bacteria.

The tools are the same. There is the ultrasonic water pick thing. The pick part vibrates around really fast and at the same time it shoots a stream of water out. I think the water pulses really fast too. Anyway, between the ultrasonic vibrating and the high pressure stream of water plaque is blasted away. And when directed under the gum line plaque and plaque causing bacteria is blasted away - along with YOUR BLOOD. Well in this case my blood.

Then there is the METAL PICK! They stick the pick below the gum line and scrape away. All sorts of gunk is pulled out. Most of it looks like my blood, and my blood clots. But under a microscope there might be some bacteria in there.

The plan was to do half of the teeth today, and the other half at some other time. HA! YEA RIGHT! What a scam that is. TWO appointments? And why is this? So I pay twice? It seems the dentist thinks my last name is "Gates" or "Hilton".

So I suggested to the person about to do the scraping that maybe everything could be done in one shot. She responded that she might not have enough time to do everything in one shot, and that on top of that there is the whole "pain" issue.

So then the process started. Some sort of HORRIBLE TASTING numbing gel was applied to my gumline. No injection! I hate injections. Scraping and spitting out blood does not bug me, but shots do. So no shots! So far, so good!

The upper right set of teeth were first. The pressure cleaner was applied, followed by scraping with the metal hook of doom and peril, then back to the pressure washer. Then the lower right set of teeth were done. Same deal. Pressure cleaner, scraping hook of death, then more pressure washing. Then the spitting out a bunch of blood clots thing.

In theory, this was it. But because I had no reaction to the "pain" at all the cleaner decided to continue. In reality, the pain was not very painful. I am a dude, and therefore I have inflicted FAR MORE pain to myself doing stupid things. This is why men do not live as long as women. Men do stupid things, and women drive them CRAZY. So we get it on both end. We see a cliff and think "it would be so cool to jump a bicycle off this thing!" And then some chick says "you better NOT jump a bike off that stupid cliff! You promised to go shoe shopping with me!"

So nine times out of ten, the dude attempts the cliff jump.

Anyway, the cleaner then moved on to the rest of the teeth. There was more numbing gel (probably not needed, but what the hell. I had already paid for it), more pressure cleaning, and more hook scraping. Yippie!

So now all my teeth are as clean as they are going to get. Any gum disease that was starting to happen should be scraped the hell out of my head, and flushed down the little white sink.

And now for the seven franklins part! It only cost me $700. CRAP!!! That is a whole LOT of beer!! Three days before my cruise and I had to fork over SEVEN bills?!?!? This is MORE than I was planning on spending on the boat! Now I have to re-calculate my cruise budget. There may be far less video poker going on.

Holy crap! $700! Next open enrollment I need to sign up for a dental plan. ANY plan. The Republican "you pay for it yourself" plan I am on now sucks ass. It is a great plan IF you are rich and can afford to just spend a grand getting your teeth cleaned, but it sucks if you are not.

Protecting Corporate Power

So you have doubts that corporate power is being protected. Of course it is not! Why, corporations have no more rights than I do! I am just some sort of anti-capitalist pig who wants the terrorists to win! Lets use more of that fear to get the people to goose step in time to the marching music!

But maybe you remember Hurricane Katrina. In a few days it will be one year since the storm hit the US Gulf Coast. What?!?! You forgot!! Well then you are a GREAT AMERICAN! You are supposed to think that Bush's good friend "Brownie" did a great job, and anyone who expected FEMA to not laugh at them (and maybe even HELP in some way) does not understand what the agency is there for. FEMA is here to waste vast amounts of money on crazy "what if" senarios, such as a "terrorist" dropping an atomic bomb on Chicago or something. For more mundane, non terror related events that are FAR more likely to happen - such as hurricans, floods, tornados, or more movies with Rob Schneider.

So Paul and Julie Leonard of Pascagoula, Mississippi bought windstorm insurance. They were told by their insurance company (Nationwide) that they had full coverage for damage usually caused by hurricanes. They also claim the insurance company said this about flood insurance. "Yall do not need that garbage! The policy we sold you is good enough".

But then a hurricane did $130,000 in damage to their home. And what do you suppose happened when the Leonard's filed for a claim? Nationwide Insurance said that they did not have flood coverage, and all the damage was done by a flood. None of the $130,000 in damage had anything to do with their "windstorm" coverage.

So the Leonard's hired a lawyer. They argued that the company said they would be covered, and that they did not need any flood insurance, so was it crazy to expect the company to...you know...do what it said it would do?

But the Leonard's failed to read the contract. In small print it said "this insurance is worthless, for if there is so much as 1 millimeter of water ALL DAMAGE will be declared flood damage and will not be covered by the windstorm rider".

The judge in the case upheld the insurance company scam and ruled that Nationwide did not have to cover any flood damage. However, the Leonard's lawyer claimed "victory" because it was ruled that exactly $1,228.16 had to be paid for windstorm damage. For this $1,2oo the lawyer claimed "a big victory".

So I have something to ask this lawyer. Say I sue your ass for "six kicks you your nuts" under the reasoning that you are an asshole and deserve six kicks to the nuts. The judge rules that six kicks are not warranted, but allows me to kick you in the nuts ONCE, but I get to wear steel toe boots. Is that a vicotry? I mean I lost right? I asked for 6 kicks but the judge said I can only kick you once. Sounds like a clear "victory" for you and a major loss for me!

What Nationwide SHOULD tell people who buy homeowners instuance from them that this.

Our insurance is worthless! We will use clever disclaimers and small print to limit our liability to cover ONLY damage caused by radioactive mutant hamsters! No radioactive mutant hamsters, and no claim will be paid. In fact, we will not even cover hamster damage! We just want your monthly checks. Give us the checks, and in return we will give you this worthless policy that you can frame and hang in your bathroom in case you run out of toilet paper".

What amazes me is that these criminal insurance companies are allowed to get away with this crap. People give them money for coverage - and then when they file a claim they get squat.

But do not expect the government to do anything. They would be all over a law banning flag burning (gotta encourage that nationalism!!) but a law requiring insurance companies to tell policy holders exactly what kinds of things are NOT covered, or under what circumstances claims will not be paid (like the 1 millimeter of sea water = a flood and not windsotrm) is just plain ANTI-AMERICAN! We should all be happy that the corporate power structure is secure, for EVERYTHING we have that is good is because of it.

Useless Item Everyone Needs

Not too long ago, I got a new phone. You know, one that plays MP3 files and has a camera. My old phone could only place calls. How 20th century!

Of course I had to do what everyone else does when they get their first camera phone. Figure out a use for the camera.

For a digital camera, the phone cam is pretty crappy. Actually it is VERY crappy. No flash. Poor resolution. And so forth.

But still, it is sort of cool. I mean, say you are at a bar hitting on chicks (or dudes, depending on what you are into). You collect 4 or 5 phone numbers. But the next day, you can not remember who the hot redhead with the green eyes is. Was it Lisa? Jenna? Janice?

In the past you just had to pick a bar napkin and call the number on it.

But now you can take a photo, store it on your phone, then add a phone number to it! So when (and if for that matter) someone calls you know if you should answer the phone, or let voice mail handle it. Many phone bar hookup tragedies will be avoided. Sort of anyway.

And today I discovered another use for the camera phone! Office gloating! Say you just got a cool new corner office with not one, but TWO windows! You can use your phone to take a photo of your new digs then send it to that jerk Jenkins in Accounting! No need to send office e-mail, which can be traced and stuff!

Or lets say you get the day off so you can have a three day weekend, only to return to work for two days before you are out of the office for another FIVE DAYS on a cruise or something! Clearly, there are endless ways one can gloat over this! So I snapped this photo and sent it to a co-worker who had to work on Saturday because of a shift swap.

This is me (on the right with the Sanibel Island shark hat I bought a few years ago on the island because I rented a vert and needed a hat so I could cruise in the vert with the top down and look cool) and one of my co-workers who did not have to work today because he traded a weekday off in exchange for a Saturday off. A trained eye can notice a few things in the picture.

1. It is hard as HELL to see the phone screen with shades on under full sun.
2. You can tell EXACTLY where I was when the photo was snapped by me. The Miami Marine Stadium is in the background - so I MUST have been anchored in the Virginia Key Lagoon!
3. The bay was like a giant sheet of glass. Flat calm. It was a great day to be out in the boat and not at work but still getting paid for the day because you have annual leave in the time bank.

But this was not the actual photo I was able to send. This picture just came out better than the one I had to send. For the picture above I had the flip phone cover closed, so it was easy to see the screen and snap the photo. Notice how the people are centered and the horizon is ALMOST level. But my phone would not let me send this one so I had to take a second photo that came out crappy, but still got the point across.

Notice how the people are NOT centered, the horizon is NOT level, and the photo is darker. I have no idea why it is darker, it was taken under the same light! But whatever. The point was the message, not the photo.

Anyway, the photos were taken while waiting for my co-worker's wife and daughter to show up. They did not wake up early enough to meet at the Crandon Park Marina boat ramp, so we had to meet them later. At Bayside. But the boat ramp was not very busy and I was able to get the boat launched by myself and stuff. No problem.

By the way, Sunday's On The Bar is GONE. Kaputski! No more! The two hurricanes last year did so much damage that the County just tore the place down. It is now a vacant lot.

Anyhow, eventually the other people showed up - with a little 2 month old puppy. From that point on the day was squandered cruising around North Biscayne Bay. Government Cut was closed because there was more than one cruise ship there. Two Carnival ships (I could not get close enough to read the names) and Royal Caribbean's Navigator Of The Seas. Compared to the Navigator Of The Seas, the Carnival ships looked small. Navigator is just plain HUGE! I will book that ship for the next cruise.

Anyhow, the boat ended up at a nice little island located near the 79th street causeway. These islands were built by Dade County D.E.R.M.(I think anyway)and are public property (administered by DERM and Parks Department). I took the stainless steel BBQ grill and had a little cookout on the water. It was really nice.

The grill worked great. I should use the thing more often.

Number 1, 3, 6, and 7

So yesterday I FINALLY posted my fascism post. I had written this post weeks before - in my head. I just needed to put it into HTML format and post it here. As long as it was, I created it fairly quickly.

Today, I will take a snapshot of stuff going on RIGHT NOW and compare it to points 1 (powerful nationalism), 3 (identification of scapegoats / enemies as a unifying cause), 6 (control of the mass media), and 7 (obsession over national security). I am doing this just for fun.

You might have heard that a Federal Judge found that the illegal Bush wiretaps were.....well....ILLEGAL. In violation of the Constitution. The President can NOT just do whatever the crap he wants to do - he must operate under this thing called "the law".

But when you turn on ANY major news channel - what do you hear? Hours and hours of coverage over the 10 year old JonBenet case. On the local news, there may be a whole 20 or 30 seconds of coverage about the court case - 10 minutes about the "6 year old beauty queen" (and how CREEPY is that? All the media outlets call her a "beauty queen". We are talking about a LITTLE GIRL here! Little girls are NOT "beauty queens". Cute, yes. Adorable, yes. HOT?!?!?! HELL NO YOU FRIGGIN PERVERTS! YOU ARE ALL WORSE THAN MICHAEL JACKSON!!!)

Anyway, there is the "control over the mass media". Plant one story to replace another story you want buried. The police, including the Bush Justice Department knew about the creepy guy in Thiland for months if not years. So why act now? To cover up something else maybe?!??! You think?!!??! I do. Right in front of everyone's face there is clear evidence. Need more evidence? The Colorado Police have said a lot about the arrest EXCEPT for "we have a strong case". This is because htey do not. There are HUGE holes in the confession. For one, the dude's ex-wife said he was in another state when the murder happened. In most divorce cases, your ex-wife will NOT lie to save your sorry child killing ass.

And what does Bush have to say about the case and hiss MAJOR loss in court? "Those who herald this decision simply do not understand the nature of the world in which we live," Bush said at Camp David. Right there, number 3 and 7! Bush understands the nature of the world we live in - but the judge does not. We need to throw out court warrants because it makes us safer (obsession with national security). Also that no good judge was appointed by PRESIDENT CARTER - a LIBERAL who LOVES TERRORISTS (using scapegoats as a unifying cause).

The government argued that the power to order the taps, without asking any court, is within the Presidents power but proving that would require making public "state secrets" (number 1 on the list! Powerful nationalism). So we are to understand that proving Presidential powers would require giving up state secrets? That IS what the Justice Department said right? I mean, if they could PROVE that Bush has the power to order the wiretaps but doing so would require making state secrets public - would that also mean ALL PRESIDENTIAL POWERS are a secret?

The evidence is now right in front of you. Secret presidential powers that the government can not tell you about or else the terrorists win. Liberal judges that want the terrorists to win. The mysterious way that CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and all the other major TV news networks devote pretty much all their air time to talking about terror plots and JonBenet - while avoiding the loss Bush had in court. Bush understanding the world we live in when I have serious doubts he understands how to tie his shoes.

Everyone in America needs to memorize the list created by Dr. Laurence Britt. Print it out if you have to. The link is HERE. Apply the things on the list to what YOU SEE going on right now. Then decide if you like the direction the nation is heading in.

Islamic Fascism

A few days ago President Bush said "we are at war with Islamic fascists". Normally when the President says something stupid while not reading from a script (printed in large block letters and careful to not use words with more than three syllables) they just ignore it and continue to blame everything on Clinton and Al Gore's book "An inconvenient Truth". But this time it is different. They are continuing to repeat that statement. And people on the streets, and in bars, are doing the same.

But what the hell is "fascism" anyway, and can that term be applied to the Islamic extremists? And if the term can be applied to one group of religious extremists - then what about Christian extremists? Are they fascist as well? So I did a google search to find out!

Here is the Wikipedia definition of Fascism. The VAST majority of sites I could find agree with this definition.

Fascism is a radical totalitarian political philosophy that combines elements of corporatism, authoritarianism, extreme nationalism, militarism, anti-anarchism, anti-communism and anti-liberalism.

So there we go! Now lets THINK ABOUT THIS for a moment. Yea, I know. A good patriotic American is not supposed to think - they are just supposed to watch Fox News and buy all the books Ann Coulter writes.

Extreme nationalism? Militarism? Corporatism? Anti-liberalism? Does this sound like Osama to you? Does it? Terrorist leaders spew their fair share (and then some) of pure crap - but I do not hear any nationalism or corporatism crap from them.

But what do I know? Probably nothing. I mean, I did not study political "science" in college. So lets see what a real life political scientist has to say! Dr. Laurence Britt studied the fascist regimes of Hitler (Germany), Mussolini (Italy), Franco (Spain), Suharto (Indonesia), and Pinochet (Chile) - finding 14 things they all had in common. Here they are.

1. Powerful and Continuing Nationalism
Fascist regimes tend to make constant use of patriotic mottos, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2. Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights
Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in fascist regimes are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of "need." The people tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3. Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause
The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4. Supremacy of the Military
Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5. Rampant Sexism
The governments of fascist nations tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under fascist regimes, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy.

6. Controlled Mass Media
Sometimes to media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, is very common.

7. Obsession with National Security
Fear is used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8. Religion and Government are Intertwined
Governments in fascist nations tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology is common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions.

9. Corporate Power is Protected
The industrial and business aristocracy of a fascist nation often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10. Labor Power is Suppressed
Because the organizing power of labor is the only real threat to a fascist government, labor unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed .

11. Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts
Fascist nations tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It is not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and governments often refuse to fund the arts.

12. Obsession with Crime and Punishment
Under fascist regimes, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people are often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There is often a national police force with virtually unlimited power in fascist nations.

13. Rampant Cronyism and Corruption
Fascist regimes almost always are governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability. It is not uncommon in fascist regimes for national resources and even treasures to be appropriated or even outright stolen by government leaders.

14. Fraudulent Elections
Sometimes elections in fascist nations are a complete sham. Other times elections are manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. Fascist nations also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

Now does ANY of the stuff above sound like something you may have been exposed to? Lets go through this point by point. If you are a Fox News viewer you better stop reading now. You will not like where this is about to go. Go watch NASCAR or something.

1. Powerful Nationalism.


2. Disdain for Human Rights.
Secret jails. Torture. Rejection of international law. Refusal to abide by The Geneva Convention. All these things happened with Bush in office - with his full approval.

3. Identification of scapegoats as a unifying cause.
Lets see where to start with this one! Who is more at fault for all the problems going on in America now - liberals or terrorists? People who voted for Kerry or people who worship Islam? Should we allow arabs to fly on commercial airplanes? And so on. Just watch Fox News for 10 minutes and something will be blamed on "clueless liberals".

4. Military Supremacy.
We can not find the money to buy updated textbooks for public schools - but if the USAF needs a billion dollar bomber they get 10 of them. I am not saying that military spending should be cut back to zero. Nobody is. But under Bush military spending has become this huge, massive thing - but we can not afford any form of a national health care plan.

5. Rampant sexism.
Constitutional ban on gay marriage. Who wanted this? While the majority of Americans had other things to worry about (like how to pay for their kids braces for example) what did congress do recently? Push for a Constitutional ban on same sex marriage (point 5) and a ban on flag burning (point 1)

6. Controlled Mass Media.
Remember when the New York Times released that the government was watching bank records? What did some law makers (and loyalists on Fox News) want to do? Arrest the journalists. Shut down the papers. But yet Robert Novak, who leaked the identity of a CIA agent is still a great man. Wow.

7. Obsession with national security.
What alert level are we at now? Yellow? Orange? Pink with purple polka dots? Toothpaste is now a dangerous thing to bring on an airplane? Should I still buy plastic film and duct tape to seal up my home? Tom Ridge, the former head of Homeland Security once suggested people do this. Oh yea, the Department of Homeland Security itself!

8. Religion and politics become one.
How to even begin here! Maybe we can talk about Congressman Walter Jones (R) NC who suggested that the law be changed to allow politics to be preached from the pulpit. And so on. I could make a whole post just on this point. And just to remind everyone - Jesus would be a politician if he were alive today right? NO!?!??! You are just saying this because there is nowhere in the Bible where it says "and then Jesus ran for Congress".

9. Corporate power is protected.
Remember the energy policy meeting Cheney held when he first took office? You know, the one where Enron and all the oil companies were invited to - but no pesky reporters? How much money are all these companies making now - except of course for Enron. And did ANYONE in the Bush administration want "Kenny Boy" Lay to face any charges? Hell no. How many Wal-Marts do we need in small towns?

10. Labor power suppressed.
The republican version of ALL campaign finance reform laws include the same thing. A ban on labor unions from giving money to anyone. I worked for TSA, and took heat because I DARED to join AFGE (government employees union). TSA screeners were told that if we joined a union, we would be fired on the spot. You see, back in these days ALL screeners were on probation because TSA was new. My rights under FEDERAL LABOR LAWS? HA! What rights? Besides, we all know that unions only protect lazy workers.

11. Disdain for intellectuals and the arts.
Maybe I could talk about how funding for the arts has taken a serious dive. Or how various artists from all over the world are being refused entry into the USA for "security reasons". Dangerous people like Cat Stevens.

12. Obsession with crime and punishment.
Once again, secret jails. The idea that police can hold people for as long as they want without releasing a charge by uttering the word "terror related". Wanted, dead or alive. And so forth.

13. Rampant cronyism.
Is ANYONE in the Bush cabinet NOT connected, DIRECTLY, to big oil? And how about that Jack Abramoff guy! Who was a past CEO of Halliburton, the company just chosen to rebuild Iraq in a no-bid deal? "Brownie" doing a heck of a job as the top dog of FEMA? Should we continue here?

14. Fixed elections.
I have nothing for this. There are no fixed elections. Voter records were never "purged" - excluding people who WERE eligible to vote from doing so.

So now - after all this, the question remains. Which "Islamic Fascists" was Bush talking about? And can the NASCAR voting block see what is going on right here in America before it is too late? I suspect no. When the work is finished, they will be on the good side of the fascists in power right here. People like me will be in jail or in Canada.

Single Digits!

So, you may have noticed that my cruise countdown thingie is down to single digits. Nifty.

And now you know why I put it here! To remind myself. You see, being as lazy as I tend to be I will put off packing till the last minute. It is more fun this way! It is like a game. Here are the rules.

1. DO NOT make a list of stuff you need.
2. Try to put off packing for as long as possible.

That is about it. The way you "win" the game is:

1. Not forgetting anything you need.
2. Not being late to your flight / cruise / whatever.

It is a fun game. You wait as late as possible, pack as fast as possible, and try to not forget anything too important. I am pretty good at this game, last time all I forgot was socks. No big deal - I just washed the same pair every night in the sink using my body soap. It all worked out. Sort of.

At any rate - the countdown is there so I do not wake up at 10 or 11 AM on the 24th and then remember that I have to be at the Port Of Miami before 3 PM that day.

What The F???

Snakes On A Plane? What the crap!?!?!??!

Seriously, Hollywood needs to start running movie ideas past me. I will work for cheap, and save them MILLIONS of dollars. Snakes on a plane? I wonder how this idea came to be. Here is my best guess.

PRODUCER 1: (inhale noise) Man this is some good shit! Where is it from? Jamacia? Mexico? (coughs).
PRODUCER 2: Naw man! This is some chronic that my neighbor grew in his closet! Seedless man! I think he calls it Northern Lights!
PRODUCER 3: Who cares man! Quit bogarting that thing! Pass the dutchie on the left hand side!
PRODUCER 2: HEY MAN! We should make a movie. About SNAKES! Yea! Snakes are cool!
PRODUCER 1: YES! Snakes! Why did I not think of this!
PRODUCER 3: What should the snakes do? Maybe they can be rasta snakes or something?
PRODUCER 1: Lets put the snakes in a CAR! That would be funny!
PRODUCER 2: In a car? And then what? The car stops, people get out, and the movie is over?
PRODUCER 3: I GOT IT! Lets put the snakes on a plane! Yea! We can call the movie Snakes On A Plane!
PRODUCER 1: GREAT! Ill line up the millions and millions of dollars it will take to make the movie!
PRODUCER 3: Who has the joint? I forgot we were smoking it.
PRODUCER 2: Its just a roach now. I am going to get Old Smokey.

And so Snakes On A Plane was born. The worst movie idea EVER. For a mere fraction of the tens of millions of dollars WASTED on this idea I could have told them not to do it.

I'm So Not Gellin'

Today at work they took away my gel insert things in my shoes.

Actually, I just made that up. They did not see my gel shoe inserts, and I forgot to mention that I had them. But had they noticed, or had I said "hey look what I have!!" they would have taken them. And for saying "look at what I have!" I would have probably been flogged for being an idiot.

Monday, having these were no big deal. On Tuesday same thing. No big deal. Wednesday - no problem! As far as I know they were OK on Saturday too.

But not today. So of you are going anywhere by air, remove the gel thingies from your shoes. You are not supposed to have them.

And since I left work today there are NEW CHANGES! You can now have up to 4 ounces of liquid or gel non-prescription medicine! I learned this from cnn.com.

A complete list of things you could carry on last week but not this week can be found HERE. If you are going anywhere, you probably want to check out the list. Anything on the list should not be carried on. So check it, or buy it when you get to where you are going.

Stupid Terrorists!

Today was my sort of day off. I say sort of because I was supposed to work today. My real days off are Sunday and Monday.

But as it turns out Sunday is a fairly busy day. So I was able to change my Sunday off into a Saturday off. But then I volunteered to come to work for a shift today because of the security alert thing.

At any rate, my day off turned into a work day. Overtime is not all that common where I work. This is good because I can never get used to the overtime pay - but it is also bad because it means I can never count on it either. But I did not really volunteer for the overtime. I signed up because people were asked to.

You know the story of everybody, somebody, and nobody. Everybody thought somebody would volunteer, but as it turns out nobody did. EVERYONE knows that story. So I was nobody today.
But I was just going to piss my day off away anyhow. had planned on going out in the boat. But there was a problem with that plan.

1. The boat has a 40 gallon fuel tank.
2. I usually burn at least 1/2 a tank each outing.
3. Gas is back over $3 a gallon.
4. Gas only accounts for about 3/4 of the cost of using the boat - I also need to buy beer and ice and food and stuff.

In other words I can either work OT and use the boat later OR not work OT and not really be able to afford to use the boat.

THANKS FOR THOSE NICE STABLE OIL PRICES PRESIDENT BUSH! For the cost of fuel ALONE today I could buy fuel AND beer AND food last year. At least it seems that way. Who can remember one year ago? It was so long ago.

Maybe I can use the boat next week. Right before my cruise. With today's overtime I can swing it!

Insanity.

So you probably heard the news about the bastards that were going to blow up 10 planes leaving London bound for the USA. Here is all I know.

1. If you are flying out of LHR airport, you will not be able to carry on anything. All bags must be checked. This is subject to change at any moment. I got this from the BBC.

2. If you are flying into OR out of the USA - you MUST NOT have any liquids, gels, lotions, cosmetics, toothpaste, and so forth in your carry on bags. None. No mouthwash. No water. Nothing. This is not secret info, TSA wants you to know so you do not try to carry any of this stuff on.

3. Yes, they are serious. Yes they believe that your water bottle only has water in it - but TSA does not care. You will not be able to keep it. Sorry. Blame the bastards that were arrested in London.

4. Any drink you buy inside the concourse will NOT be allowed on the plane. So drink it all before boarding OR throw it away.

5. Laptop computers, I-Pods, cell phones, cameras, and other electronics ARE still allowed.

6. Baby food is OK but not "excessive amounts" and ONLY IF you have a baby with you. What is an "excessive amount" is up to the judgment of the security screeners. This can change so just be aware of this.

7. Expect longer lines at security checkpoints. More bags must be checked with the same amount of screeners available.

8. Do not be surprised if your bags are checked again before you get on a plane. It may happen, or it may not. But if it happens, just go with it. Protesting will not really help you. Also remember that the screeners do not really WANT to paw through your stuff - but they have to. Nobody likes doing this. Security knows it is intrusive. They are just doing the job their boss tells them to do. Please do not take it out on them.

9. Medication is allowed, so long as it is prescription AND has your name printed on the label. This means no over the counter Dristan spray or Pepto Bismol, but prescription asthma spray is OK. Solid medicine (such as aspirin) is still OK. Again - this IS subject to change.

10. When in doubt, check your bag. All the stuff you can not carry on anymore CAN still be checked.

There is no way to even speculate how long this will last. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. Maybe forever. Who knows. Your guess is as good as mine.

For more info directly from the source, check out the TSA TRAVEL INFO website.

Things That Piss Me Off Part 1

So, what pisses me off? Today we will find out! At least we will find out one thing.

Today's rant will be about idiots driving stupidly. Now in Miami, pretty much EVERYONE who drives does so stupidly. You have the chronic speeders, the "turn signals are for wimps" drivers, the people that use turn signals AFTER they brake and less than a second before they actually turn, the red light runners, the "FLOOR IT! The light is yellow and I am only 50 yards from the intersection!" drivers, the "I am so important, I can just drive on the shoulder of the road" drivers, the "road signs are for everyone else, but I can ignore them" drivers, the "I just floated to Florida and back home we drive on the left side of the road" people, and so on.

And if you drive by the rules you are also driving stupidly! You see, the driver behind you is probably a red light runner with no insurance. So when you stop - guess what happens? You have to drive by MIAMI rules, so when that light turns red at least three people WILL run it or else there will be an accident. Drive the speed limit? A chronic speeder will ram you. If you use a turn signal, the car jacker will KNOW you are not a local. And so forth.

But I want to single out ONE type of stupid driving to rant about today. This is "Things That Piss Me Off Part 1" not "things that piss me off parts 1 - 50".

THE PEOPLE THAT INSIST ON DRIVING WITH THEIR HAZARD LIGHTS ON. What a bunch of ASS CLOWNS they are!

This part is for those who live in Miami. Everyone else already knows this. HAZARD LIGHTS ARE FOR WHEN YOU ARE PULLED OVER AND NOT MOVING! Period. End of story. If your car is in motion, you should NOT have the hazard lights on.

Idiots tell me I am wrong all the time. They say stupid crap like "but I had a mattress tied to my car!" And??? When I tow my boat, do I drive with my blinkers on? NO! Because then you could NOT TELL when I was going to turn! Do I drive slower than usual (often below the posted speed limit) when I am pulling my boat? YES! And so what? I still leave the blinkers off.

They also say "but it was raining and visibility was bad!" And?!?! Why does this matter? If you can not see - you should PULL OFF THE ROAD you moron! Stop! Cease forward motion! Do you want to rear end someone? Do you think that simply turning on some flashing lights and not slowing down will help?

Another common excuse is "my car had a problem and could not go as fast as normal". And you are still driving it? Do you LIKE paying more to fix your crappy car than you need to? Do you think that continuing to drive will fix your car? Don't you think it may make the problem worse?
The reason (for all the morons in Miami who may possibly read this - assuming they CAN read that is) you DO NOT drive with the blinkers is because the flashing lights tell other drivers "HEY! I am stopped here! Be careful!" That is what your flashing lights say! Not "I am an idiot going 15 mph on the highway".

If you are on a highway, there is a minimum speed limit. If you CAN NOT drive at least the minimum posted speed - USE A SURFACE ROAD! You do not belong on the highway! Just because you turn on your blinkers does NOT give you an excuse to drive at 25 mph on the Palmetto Expressway holding a mattress on your car roof using your hands (NO ROPE! Just four hands attached to four very stupid people sitting in the car).

On a surface road (for the morons - that means a road with red lights), there is no minimum speed. You can drive 5 mph if you want. You CAN place a "slow moving vehicle" sign on your car if you know you are going to drive less than 25 mph - but it is not required unless the vehicle you are in can not possibly ever go faster than 25 mph (construction equipment).

So if you are one of the TWO IDIOTS I saw today on my way home from work (around 9:15 - 9:30 PM on Perimeter Road and southbound on the Palmetto Expressway getting off at the Bird Road exit) STOP IT! Either DRIVE, or PULL OVER and turn on your hazard lights. But only one! If you choose to drive, fine. Do it. If you need to go slow, fine! Go slow! There is no rule that says you MUST go the speed limit or faster. I will pass you if I need to. If you choose to turn on your hazard lights - PULL OFF THE ROAD! Turn on those hazard lights! Have a party! Dance to the beat of the flashing lights! Have a smoke! Drink a beer! Whatever you need to do - DO IT! Then when you are done, turn the lights off and resume driving!

People that drive with their hazard lights on PISS ME OFF!

Send Me Crap! Now Is Your Chance!!

As you probably know by the little countdown thing, it is almost time for me to leave on a cruise.

And it will be terrible! Just awful! Imagine being on a giant floating party for FOUR whole days! Having to go to places such as Key West and Mexico! I suppose it could be worse, there could be a stop at Hell, but this would only make the cruise slightly worse.

Now for the way you can help make it better! Gifts! Yes, gifts make everything, even a horrible big boat full of booze and food and casinos - BETTER!

Here is how to do it. Go to www.carnival.com and click on Gifts. From there, the choices are many. So in an effort to make your job easy, I have selected a few "suggestions". I go that extra mile for my readers.

1. ANYTHING from the Wine Cellar.
2. Fruit Supreme with white wine.
3. BAR CREDIT FOR 4 DRINKS! (feel free to gift more than one of these. Really.)
3. Fruit Supreme with red wine.
4. Bar credit for 4 drinks.
5. Bar credit for 4 drinks.

And so forth. To maximize the usefulness of gifts, it is a good idea to just select something on the suggestions list. I suggest numbers 3, 4, or 5. I also suggest that you use the word suggest at least 5 times today - to the same person. My challenge to you!

Once you have selected one of the suggestions, you need the booking number and cabin number.

And remember - if you do not comment, you are letting the terrorist win!

Man VS Nature Part 2 - Revenge Of The Three-Toe Sloth

As many of you who read this (insert adjective here - I think dribble fits best) know - the animals are on a rampage. I have documented house cats that stalk people and attack them without mercy, dogs that destroy rare teddy bears, house cats that steal objects, and rabbits that attack presidents.

So now I know you are thinking - "what the hell is next??!?! Gangs of monkeys taking over commuter trains?!?!?!".

Relax. This could never happen. Monkeys on a train?! Never. Everyone knows that monkeys use vines in trees to get from place to place.

Except in India that is. India's Delhi Metro has hired a monkey to scare other monkeys off trains. It seems a gang of monkeys DID get on board a train, and scare passengers by displays of aggression for THREE STOPS! To prevent this from happening again, the company hired a "langurwallah". Langurwallahs are dudes who train langur monkeys to do stuff. Like dance to organ music and stuff. But it seems that the train taking over monkeys are scared of langurs.

So kind of like a monkey Batman, the langurwallah hangs out, scanning the skies over New Delhi, looking for the monkey signal. Then he leaps into action, rushing to the rescue of people on trains.

But lets say you live in Nevada. And you own a sweet vintage convertible Buick. You know your ride is safe from monkeys, but how about a bear? I mean, why on Earth would a BEAR want anything to do with a Buick? A Corvette I can understand - but a Buick? Of all the cars?! At least go for a vintage Camaro or even a Mustang!

However, bears are dumb. So in July of THIS YEAR a bear cub did invade a vintage Buick, and helped himself to some BBQ chicken and jalapeno pizza AND beer. The car owner left these items in the convertible because he is a jackass. Who leaves pizza and beer IN the car?!?! You are supposed to remove these things and eat and/or drink them! Otherwise, bears break in your car and help themselves.

Now I know what you are thinking! If a stinking bear invaded MY 1964 Buick Skylark I would cut his balls off!

BAD IDEA! VERY BAD IDEA! Meet Boo. Boo was taken in by a wildlife refuge as a cub after his mother was illegally shot by a poacher. Everything was fine for Boo.

That is everything was fine till he dug his way to freedom in order to get jiggy with a female bear.

Being raised by humans in a refuge, Boo's caretakers were concerned that he would not know how to live in the bear world, and that not being afraid of humans he might pose a public safety problem. So they re-captured him, no doubt using a 64 Buick and pizza as bait.

Once back in his refuge home, they put him in a maximum security bear pen. There was the 400 pound solid steel door. The high voltage electric fence. The concrete barriers buried several feet underground. No way Boo was going to get out again!

But then it was announced to Boo that he was to have his balls cut off, so he would never want to be with Cindy Bear again.

Boo then SMASHED his way through the steel door, breaking all the bolts that held it shut, BLITZED his way through TWO electric fences, and CLAWED over several other barriers in another bid for freedom, and hot steamy bear sex.

So what did we learn today?

1. Avoid trains in New Delhi India, unless the Batman of monkeys is nearby.
2. Do not leave pizza and beer in your 64 Buick Convertible.
3. Under NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you attempt to neuter a grizzly bear.

Enough Is Enough!

The animal rampage continues! Today's little snippet is from the BBC.

Austria Held Hostage By Spiders. Terrorist spiders?!?!?! What on Earth is next?!!?!? A slug riot at a salt factory maybe?

Well the Chinese are not waiting around to find out. They are taking a preemptive strike against the possibility of an attack on Chinese Soil. The link is here. China Plans Dog Cull.

And speaking of enough, comments are at an all time low! Zero for my Castro post! And no hate mail either! In an effort to find out why, I devised a poll!



So there we go! Your chance to (possibly) influence what goes on here. All votes are anonymous, and all votes WILL be counted. Of course I have no proof any of that is true - so you will just have to trust the system.

Kind of like real life! How about that!

Putting The French Back Into Freedom

Or something like that. But first......

MORE ANIMAL CRIMES! This time it is not a dog or a cat or a very angry swamp bunny. This time it is BUGS.

Bees Attack Rescue Workers Freeing Trapped 16-Year-Old Girl From SUV. This gang assult on a hapless human was not exactly out of the blue, unlike the attacks by Lewis The Cat. In this case a 16 year old driver slammed a SUV into a dead tree - which was some kind of bee condo. Of course the bees were pissed that their home was damaged - the bee colony was just informed the week before that their insurance company was going to drop them after raising their rates 70% the year before.

I can understand the bee's anger at the person who took out their home - but the attack on the rescue workers was just plain wrong! BAD BEES! NO! NO!

Anyway, back to the title of the post! As I find more examples of the alarming animal crime wave trend you know where to find it! Right here!

Now back to the original post idea!

French Fries are back on the menu at the US House of Representatives. This is from the BBC. I do not know when the French Fries came back, but the story is dated August 2, 2006. The story about the name change to Freedom Fries was on Feburary 20, 2003. OVER THREE YEARS AGO!

Now I know - back in WWI sauerkraut was renamed "Liberty Cabbage" and frankfurters were renamed "hot dogs". But (correct me if I am wrong here - we all know that people on "the left" like to revise hisotry) WE WERE AT FRIGGIN WAR WITH GERMANY at the time!

So what prompted the US House of Representatives to switch to "freedom fries"?

*** WARNING! More "liberal" revisionist history is about to follow!!! ***

In 2003, Bush wanted to go to war with Iraq. His Magic 8 Ball said "yes" when he asked it if Saddam had WMDs.

But the French apparently used another method to decide on war. The DARED to state that there was no clear evidence of WMDs in Iraq. They suggested that rushing to war was not the best idea, and that more inspectors should be sent in to verify or disprove the US WMD claim.

So in the US, the neo-cons, who were suddenly ALL experts on all things terror related, just KNEW the French were wrong and that their hesitation would allow Saddam to get his hands on all manners of nasty things and nuke us.

So the USA decided to show those French what time it was. French Fries became Freedom Fries. French Toast became Freedom Toast! Idiots gathered up French Wine and dumped it out, kind of like a good old fashioned Nazi book burning. TAKE THAT FRANCE!

And to further prove they were right - the Bush Administration made the case that no matter what it would go to war and find what the Magic 8 Ball said was there.

Except that they were WRONG. There were no nukes. There were no biological war labs. And that means that......well that the French were right. There. I said it. The French were right.

And finally, after three years, the idiots on the hill switched back to French Fries at lunch.

Oh wait! I forgot I said that there would be REVISIONIST history here! I seem to have posted what actually happened! So I will try again.

*** ATTEMPT 2 AT REVISIONIST HISTORY ***

Bush said there would be WMDs. The French said "your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries!". But when Bush ordered US forces in Iraq, the place was littered with banned weapons! Nukes, chemical munitions, bubonic plague labs, and worse! And on EVERYTHING found was a "Made In France" sticker!

*** END OF REVISIONIST HISTORY ***

Why elected officials would do so much to bad mouth a nation that is our ally and friend is still a mystery to me. France gave the USA the Statue Of Liberty. France supported the USA during the revolution. France gave us a really great deal on a huge swath of land around the Mississippi River from the Gulf Of Mexico to Canada - WITHOUT a war being fought over it. France ships us some darn good wine and cheese.

And when the facist have a disagreement with our friend and ally, what do they do? Freedom Fries? Come on now! If there were grown-ups in charge of the House this would never have happened. But when the children are allowed to run the school - lets just say not a whole lot of book learning is going to happen.

Crime Waves

You have probably heard some jackass on television saying that violent shows and / or video games are causing the increase in crime that seems to be going on. But I have identified a NEW kind of crime wave going on - one that can not be blamed on violent TV shows!

We all remember Lewis The Cat. Lewis's claim to fame is that he attacks people. Most notably (and the funniest) is his attack on the Avon Lady. According to court documents, Lewis chased the Avon Lady down the sidewalk and attacked her. She refused to ever go back to Lewis's block.

BAD KITTY! NO CAT TREATS FOR YOU!

But Lewis is not alone! Oh no! There seems to be some kind of animal crime wave going on! Meet Willy The Cat. Willy likes to steal garden gloves. Here is a photo of him with his loot.

Everyone that lives around Willy know where to look if one of their garden gloves vanishes. Sometimes, he returns to the crime scene TWICE and steals both gloves, sometimes he only takes one. He seems to like new gloves, but he will snatch older ones too. The sign behind him says "Our (drawing of a cat) is a (drawing of a glove) snatcher. Please take if yours". Unlike Lewis, Willy is not a violent criminal. He does not attack people. He is just a kleptomaniac. Neighbors actually LIKE Willy, even if he is a klepto. He walks with the mail carrier, up to other houses and everything. He is nice to the neighbors so they pet him.

But the "nice kitty" thing is his cover. What he is actually doing while pretending to keep the mail carrier company is casing out homes. Looking for garden gloves.

BAD KITTY! Stealing is wrong! BAD WILLY!

But this crime wave is NOT limited to the USA! And it is not limited to cats! This one is from the United Kingdom. Barney The Dog went bezerk in a museum, damaging some rare teddy bears. One bear that got its head ripped off was valued at $75,000 and once owned by Elvis Presley. The entire collection was worth $900,000, it is unclear how much damage was done, but the BBC reported a total of 60,000 UK Pounds (well over $100,000) of damage, and at least 100 bears chewed. This is a photo of the crime scene.

General manager Daniel Medley told the BBC: "About 100 bears were caught up in this frenzied attack, some were merely little chews, whereas some of them had some quite devastating injuries.

"Heads pulled off, arms, legs here and there, it was a total carnage really. I've never seen such a mess, there was stuffing, fluff and bear bits everywhere."

BAD BARNEY THE GUARD DOG! You are supposed to keep the rare teddy bears SAFE, not rip off heads, arms, legs, and remove stuffing! BAD DOG! VERY BAD DOG! But the "stuffing, fluff and bear bits everywhere" quote IS funny. This is Barney the guard dog. The guy pictured is the security guard who discovered the scene. He had to run around after the dog, and wrestle a bear head out of the dog's mouth.

Now I have done a lot of research to trace the start of this crime wave. At first I suspected the 1980s. It all fit in place. Cable television (and all that non-FCC regulated violence). Video games galore. Cocaine and crack EVERYWHERE. And so forth. It HAD TO BE the 1980s!

But I was wrong. This crazy crime wave started in the late 1970s.

The exact date is April 20, 1979. On this day. President Jimmy Carter was ATTACKED by a killer swamp rabbit. Really. This happened. Here is a close up photo of the rabbit that tried to attack the President of the USA. Osama Bin Bunny himself!

Here is the whole photograph, which is not very good because it is a video grab. And it since it was 1979, the White House photographer was probably smoking a fat one and listening to Bob Marley music. It is really amazing he remembered to remove the lens cap, or did not get any Cheetos cheese powder smudged on the lens.

Here you see President Carter holding the paddle he used to defend himself from a VERY ANGRY rabbit who (according to research I dug up) was "hissing and snarling" and swimming right at the boat. This is supposedly what Carter told to his staffers about the incident.

Notice how the Secret Service was nowhere in the photo. What was up with that? Maybe they were busy looking for.....well you know.....people? Maybe people with guns? You know, something more threatening than a rabbit. OR hanging out with the White House photographer and the Bob Marley music? Who would think that a little harmless bunny could be such a problem anyway! They probably thought the bunny just wanted to address the President over the problem of wetlands preservation.

BAD RABBIT! Trying to sink a boat that the President of the USA is in is NOT ACCEPTIBLE! BAD BAD BUNNY! You are NOT invited to any Habitat For Humanity project!

I think that they SHOULD HAVE watched Monty Python and The Quest For The Holy Grail. Anyone who has seen that KNOWS how terrible a bunny rabbit can be! Carter was lucky that the rabbit was only slightly annoyed.

But whatever the story behind the rabbit was (I suspect the KGB, the Russian Sub was probably just out of the frame), this was the start of the animal crime wave. So WATCH OUT! That innocent looking neighbor cat may be plotting how to car jack you, or mug you for that gold chain.

I will keep everyone who reads this updated when my vast network of spies and informants send me more reports from this animal crime wave.

The Bearded One

No, I am not talking about this (slightly crazy) dude.

Or even this guy (slightly more sane than the last guy).

Oh no! I am talking about the guy with a beard most often discussed in Miami. This guy.

If you do not know who this is, you probably do not live in Miami. This is Fidel Castro, President of the Republic of Cuba.

And he may or may not be dead.

Not that this is a big shock. The dude is pretty old. And he smokes a lot.

Anyway, in Miami you can not walk more than 10 feet without hearing something about Castro. Like how he has sex with goats. And so on.

We do not know if he IS dead. However, we really do not know if he is still alive. Cuban media reports say he is in "stable" condition - but that means about as much as when George Bush says "I listen to other people". Yea right. We believe you.

But last night, when the news in Miami broke that power had been transferred to his brother Raul Castro (also sporting a beard), the craziness began. People took to the streets (blocking traffic) and driving around in cars honking horns and yelling.

At midnight. And later. You see, EVERYONE in Miami is supposed to care. Even the people not from Cuba. Colombians, Mexicans, Costa Ricans, Dominicans, Haitians, Nicaraguans, and so forth are ALL supposed to care. And to make sure we all care, people HAD TO block roads and drive around making noise.

Really, not a whole lot of people were out. But the ones that were out were extra loud. Near my house, people converged at a La Caretta on Bird Road. Bird Road is a major surface road with 6 lanes. At first they had blocked SW 87 AVE (4 lanes) and Bird Road (6 lanes) - but the cops made them move. There were many more people out in the streets in the "Little Havana" area of Dade County.

From the live news chopper shot, I estimate a few hundred people were there (by my house). Maybe 2 or 3 hundred (significantly MORE in the Little Havana area). There was more than enough room for everyone in the parking lot - but no. Blocking the roads is the thing to do in Miami! No matter what the occasion - blocking traffic is considered proper protocol.

But the reality is that even if Castro did croak - nobody is going back. The first wave of exiles are all old themselves. They have built businesses. They have homes. They own BMWs. Everything they left behind is gone. There is nothing for them to go back to.

People born here are not exiles. They are natural born American Citizens. They have nothing to go back to, and even if something is there they have no real claim to it. They would go over there with American passports. So they are not going back, except maybe for a vacation or to visit relatives still in Cuba.

People that did leave Cuba more recently than the day Castro took power will not leave either. They have also either built businesses, or have jobs here. They have a place to live here. They have cars here. They have family and friends here. They married non-Cubans here. Some who do not have much here MIGHT go back, but I doubt it. Here at least they have air conditioning, over there they will not. Also their job and home was given to someone else shortly after they left.

I conclude that very VERY few people will go back. Those that are here will stay here. And what happens if Castro is dead, and the government collapses? Cubans that make it to dry land right now can stay. The reason for this is that they all know to claim persecution by Castro. So take Castro out of the equation and then what? Will the Cubans that make it to US soil be the same as Mexicans that make it to US soil (illegal)?

Now lets say they DO go back. This really brings up some alarming things. Lets say (like a lot of people here claim) that you left behind a vast estate. You go back to find that all "your land" has been sub divided and a lot of people now live on it. What are you going to do? Kick them off "your land" and displace them? Tear down their homes to re-build your huge mansion? Take back your huge farm and then hire the people there to work for very low wages so you can be rich again?

Or even if you left behind a more modest property - like a small house or an apartment. You have to realize that someone else will be living there. Will you just kick them out into the streets? Will you demand their job? And if you do - how does that make you any better than the guy who displaced you or your family?

If this happens - there will quickly be another revolution. The people that would be displaced will not go quietly. It will quickly turn violent and another Castro will take power.

But what I really want to say is please DO NOT block the roads. It is OK to be happy. It is OK to be proud of your heritage, and rejoice that the guy with a beard may be dead so some kind of free government might be able to take root in Cuba. I hope for the sake of everyone that a stable free government DOES take root in Cuba! Really, I do! As long as Cuba does not steal all the tourism from Miami that is!

I am just saying that when roads I need to get places are blocked, I get upset. And so do other people.

And STOP driving around, wasting gas, honking horns, yelling, and such all night. I have to work in the morning. Or at least I have to get up in the morning and do stuff BEFORE I go to work.

The Dentist Part 2 - Return Of The Extractor.

So I know you are all waiting for the follow up post about the dentist! So here it is.

But first, a side post! HOW I GOT A FREE PHONE. Here it goes. My dad dropped his Cingular phone in the Gulf Of Mexico. Needless to say, the phone was not too happy about this and promptly quit working. He has phone insurance (the man has every kind of insurance known to the human race). Now I have been mulling over upgrading my Cingular phone. You know, to something with a camera and bluetooth. My dad could give a crap less about all that stuff - so when his insurance replacement phone arrived I took command of it. He can have my old phone which is identical to the phone he dropped overboard. Everyone gets a new phone! For free! Hooray!

Now back to the original post. The dentist.

I get there on time and fill out the paperwork. So far no big deal. When they called me in, they asked what it was that I wanted. DUH! I wanted the crap removed from my teeth! Why else would I be there - the "free" toothbrush they give you after the bill?

Anyway, since I wrote "when Moses was a teenager" for the "when was your last dental visit" question they decided to do some X-Rays. So that was first. I got the "bite on this thing holding the film" X-Ray then the full head panoramic X-Ray. So far so good.

Next they looked at my teeth. The lady who was going to do the cleaning told me "it has been a few years since your last cleaning!". At this point I am getting ready to bolt out the door. I told them that Moses was a teenager, leaving little bags set on fire and filled with camel poop on people's doorstep last time I saw a dentist. Did they think I was telling lies? Maybe I had been to a dentist just last month - but I forgot about it?

But I was there, and I do not run unless there is a bear running after me. So I just said "yea, it has been a while". At that point she said "I need the scaler! Hold on while I get it".

Now I like to fish. A scaler is this gnarly looking tool one used to remove scales from a fish! Oh shit. This is going to suck.

But in dentist world, a scaler is this little tiny thing that spins around. They use it to chisel off hard buildup on your teeth.

So she goes at it. The worst part was the SOUND. That high pitched whirring that can only mean one thing - this super high speed spinning metal thing is IN YOUR MOUTH.

And there was a good deal of stuff to remove. I could feel the chunks of stuff in my mouth. It was like little itty bitty rocks. Still, not too bad. The stuff had to be removed.

There was also buildup BELOW the gum line. This was the fun part! The spinny metal thing had to probe below the gum line to de-scale all that crap. Oh yes, there will be blood! And chunks of black stuff. You see, plaque when under the gumline turns black because of the blood.

But still - it was not too bad. The technician even commented that "most people are too sensitive foe me to do this without any numbing". The truth is that needles are scary. If I can avoid needles, then I am better off. So the slight discomfort of the spinning metal thing was better than the sight of the big ass HUGE monster needle. She applied some numbing stuff with a giant Q-Tip anyway. I did not need it.

After about an hour, the chiseling was over. And so was the picking and scraping and such. So I had a polishing, and then the final rinse with the blue stuff (probably Scope from the taste).

Then the real dentist came in. He was there for all of 45 seconds. Well maybe longer than that but not too much longer. He poked around here and there looking for soft spots to drill out and found NONE. So no drilling! My mouth is NOT the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge! So no drilling!

But I did have some deep pockets in the gum line. The technician and the dentist think that they are "pseudo-pockets" and not gum disease. Just some inflammation from all the gunk that was there. The X-Rays show excellent bone structure.

So I have a follow up appointment. They want TWO follow up appointments. What will be done is a deep de-scaling, where the spinny metal thing probes below the gum line to remove all the rest of the buildup down there. They want to do half my teeth one visit, and the other half on another visit.

But I am not dumb! I will not fall for that scam! They will do ALL my teeth on one day! Make me pay for TWO visits? HA! Not going to happen pal! Find some other sucker to make your Jaguar payment!

On the way out, my wallet felt $258 lighter.

And remember that "free" toothbrush that I should have got for only $258? They forgot to give it to me! I will ask for TWO on my next visit.