Farewell 2006

Welcome to the last day of 2006. And what a year it was! OK you got me. It was kind of boring as far as years go. I am sure some wacky stuff happened, but at the moment I can not recall any one event. And I am far too lazy to go looking for stuff that happened. You were here for the entire year too - and if you were counting on me to remember anything I have news for you. You bet on the wrong horse!

So either I am right and 2006 was boring, or my memory is shot and 2006 was exciting but I just forgot all the cool stuff that happened.

Boring, exciting, or somewhere in the middle - the year is over. And a whole new year is about to begin.

Have a happy and safe New Year's Eve. Try to not be too hung over on the first day of 2007. Paying homage to the Porcelain God is a horrible way to start off a new year.

Will Anything Change?

So it seems that Saddam had some swing time from a short rope. And of course, Bush has said something about this being another "victory" in the war on terror.

It is? Really now. One man getting hung is a victory. And keep in mind that this one man did not have any clear ties to any terror group. Before Bush ordered the invasion on Iraq that country was mostly stable. People in Baghdad could do things like drive around the city, shop for televisions and food, go to school, go to work, flush their toilets, and so on.

But now what is the reality of living in Iraq? Checkpoints. Roadside bombs. Death squads. On and off utilities. No jobs. And so on.

But it is a victory!

Anyway, here is my prediction. Nothing will change. The Shi'a will be happy the Sunnis will be pissed. The Kurds will probably be happy too - but they probably do not get along well with the Shi'a anyway so who cares.

How long ago was Saddam captured? And since that spider hole day - have things got better or worse? Has the "insurgency" got stronger or weaker? Is Iraq closer to stability or closer to all out Civil War? Use your own brain here - do not turn to Fox News to help.

But now we are supposed to believe that just because Saddam is dead everything will get better. The roses the Iraqi people were supposed to throw at the feet of US Troops (according to Cheney and DUMBSfeld before the war) will finally bloom. Sunnis and Shi'a will decide to be friends and have a big democracy parade through the green zone. Someone will wave a magic wand and turn all the militants into hippies driving Volkswagen mini-buses painted with peace signs and flowers. The Iraqi version of The Grateful Dead will form and start to make music that only sounds good when you are sky high.

And all this will magically happen because one man (out of the hundreds of thousands already killed since 2002) is dead. If you believe this, I got some great Florida Swamp Land prime Florida real estate for sale.

I Watch The Ripples Change Their Size.

Now I know you were all wondering - how was I keeping myself occupied over the past week or so? Well you are looking at it. The snazzy cool new purple wavy background. The three columns. And so on.

OK OK so it only kept me occupied for a little bit. I stole most of the content. I stole the template from somewhere. Actually it was not stolen - whoever created it made the template available for download. And even if they had not, I could have simply used the "view page source code" feature in Firefox to steal it anyway.

Same for the background. I found a site with tons of free backgrounds. But even if the site had said "do not steal this background" guess what? Right click, view background image, save file as whatever, upload it to s web server, and so on. No problem.

The images all came from here and there. The only thing I actually created is the links area. I had to type all those in. No big deal.

Therefore, you will notice a "feel free to steal anything you see here" disclaimer under the stolen pirate icon. Hell I stole it, you might as well steal it too.

Anyway this is the new look for 2007. If you can think of any tweaks that will improve it, comment now. And enjoy the sea shanty.

In Case Of Emergency, Read This

I know that in theory, it is still "the holidays". In theory. But I also know that some of you are secretly wondering the question that many people are wondering at this time. When the hell are those people going to leave? Yea you thought it was a good idea to invite them over for the holidays, and yea you were happy when they arrived - but that was almost 2 weeks ago.

So, I have put together a little list of ideas you can use to form your exit strategy. Feel free to use one or more of these ideas!

How to get rid of guests that stay too long:

1. Remove and hide all the toilet paper. Leave sandpaper in its place.

2. Leave all manners of body hair in the bar soap. On purpose of course.

3. Do not cook dinner. Just sneak out of the house and get yourself some take out. Act like it is no big deal you did not bring any extra food home.

4. Stop wearing clothes. NOTE - this may not work depending on who the guest
is.

5. Hold a fire drill every day at 4 AM.

6. Move the cat box to the guest room.

7. If you do not have a cat, get one. Then see item 6.

8. Buy a pet tarantula, and arrange for an "escape". Big hairy spiders are creepy.

9. When you make coffee in the morning, serve yourself first then pee in the pot.

10. "Forget" to flush.

11. Remove the guest bed sheets. Put them away.

12. Bribe a local cop to put a "move this vehicle or else it will be towed" sticker on your guest's car.

13. Run out of beer. Neglect to buy more.

14. Nothing says "get out" like a gift card for a full tank of gas!

15. Decide you are the next American Idol. Practice your singing whenever you are wake.

16. Poop with the door open.

17. Reverse mooch. Ask the guest if you can borrow some money.

18. Tell your guest the utility bill is here, and they owe you for half.

19. Trick your guest into going outside, then lock all the doors. Pretend you are not home.

20. Spend an hour sharpening your best chef's knife. When your guest asks
what you are doing say "oh nothing. By the way have you seen my anti-psychotic
medication? The voices say they hid it someplace I'll never find it".

Vote On The Future Look!

In order to properly tune the new template layout for this blog, it would be helpful to know how you, the reader, connect to the internet. So vote. Voting IS mandatory, so if you skip the process someone WILL go to your house and let the air out of your car tires. They may also set fire to a brown paper bag full of dog poop that they place on your doorstep, ring your doorbell, and run off. So when you stamp the fire out you will wish you had just voted. Or maybe someone will break into your home while you are away and spike your toothpaste with wasabi, or pour an ounce or two of pure capsaicin in your mouthwash. They may even rub some Vicks VapoRub into your toilet paper. Or put some Nair brand hair remover in your conditioner. Or something else that will be funny to everyone on the planet except you.

And it is not like clicking on a selection and then clicking on "vote" takes a lot of time and effort. Even if you do not comment you can still vote. Avoid having any of the above happen to you.

Post Christmas Post.

I hope that all my readers had a great Christmas Day or Day Off Day - depending on how you celebrate this time of year. And even if you are not into the whole Christmas thing - a free paid day off is a free paid day off! You will not ever see me turn one of those down. Oh no!

I like this part of the holiday season the best. Christmas is over, but not in the distant past. I got all my loot. There is no running around to do. Work is pretty much canceled till after the new year. All there is left to do is chill out. Kick the bobo (NOT Saur's dog Bobo but "bobo" as in slang for "hang out and do nothing". This blog in no way endorses kicking dogs. Unless they deserve it).

Basically, we are all in "coast" mode - nothing to do except figure out how to not have to be at work on New Years Eve, and which party you want to go to. HOT TIP - also take New Years Day off. If you have to be at work on January 1 you might as well work on December 31. Unless you want to be the looser who has to leave early and must remain 100% sober. Everyone will laugh at you.

Of course there is the annual traditional "take a bunch of stuff back to the store for refund or exchange". I got something that is missing parts, so it must be banished to where it came. The "beyond" section of Bed , Bath, and Beyond. I think.

My major blog template overhaul is just about finished. It is going to kick ass. All new for 2007.

Hardest Working Man In Show Business

You will be missed.

Christmas Post

So, today is Christmas. And nobody reads blogs on Christmas. OK OK so some people read blogs on Christmas Day. I probably will. Whatever.

Today we will investigate a Christmas Mystery. What the heck is "figgy pudding" anyway? It must be horrible, because according to the popular Christmas song that mentions it one can use it to get rid of house guests that stay too long. You bring it out, give them some, and they take off.

But all that is not important. Nobody wants to get rid of house guests today. Ill give some hot tips on how this is done in the next few days.

So Merry Christmas. And if you are not doing the whole Christmas thing today -Merry Perfectly Good Excuse To Take The Day Off Day! Hey - a day off is a day off! No point is trying to invent work. Am I right here? Of course I am.

PS - stay tuned for a MAJOR overhaul for this blog. There will be an all new look for 2007!

T Minus 1 Day

So by now you should pretty much be done with Christmas. And by "done" I mean have nothing else to do. All your gift shopping should be done. The Christmas turkey should be thawing. If you are traveling, you should either be where you want to be OR still stuck in the airport at Chicago or Denver.

But if in the off chance you have some frantic very last minute shopping left to do - remain calm. Resist the urge to buy crappy gifts like this.

Seriously, do people really buy McDonalds gift cards? Who would think this is a good idea? Wow! You got me......obesity and heart disease! Just what I wanted this year!

Call me insane if you must, a gift card to AMC or whatever other movie theater you like is a better idea than a gift card for salty nasty death food. I also have some more suggestions for last minute gifts.

1. Inexpensive table wine. If you ask me, the best wine is whatever wine you like. Price does not factor into the equation here. Some of the best wines I have bought were under $10.

2. The "home made" Christmas cookie scam. Here is how it works. You go to a supermarket that has a bakery and buy some cookies. Look for cookies that are not covered in chocolate or something. When you get them home it is time to add that "I really baked these myself" look. So preheat the oven to around 300 degrees and put some of the cookies in for a few minutes. The idea is to just ever so slightly over bake them. You can do this to the whole batch, or just a portion of the batch - depending on what you think seems to be more "real". Place your "home made" cookies on a festive holiday platter and Saran Wrap em up. If you feel too guilty about this, then you can always melt a few chocolate bars and spruce the cookies up a bit. WARNING - do not get the chocolate too hot or else it may not harden when cool.

Whatever you do, the important thing is that you have a great holiday. Or if you have already celebrated your holiday, that you enjoyed it to the fullest.

My Tree

So, you may be wondering what I am going to use this year as my Christmas tree. Or as it is commonly known as in Miami, mi árbol de Navidad. Whatever floats your boat.

So, pretty cool huh? This Christmas Palm Tree is real and still alive. It is planted in a large pot. It used to be in the front yard. Now it is inside. After Christmas, it will go back outside.

I think it needs more lights. This is possibly the best idea ever in the history of the universe.

The black boxes are just me playing with photo cropping and some features in "Paint". Just as I predicted, it did make the file smaller.

Holiday Fun.

Welcome to Friday! and what a Friday it is. This is the Friday before Christmas. What does this mean?

It is time to go hang out in a mall. Not to buy anything - hell no. Just to walk around and mess with people. Pick up some crappy item and say to whoever you go to the mall with how much you would like to have it.

Then you watch to see if the frantic last minute gift buying dude bites.

OK OK so that is not that much fun. And by the way, "Songs Of The Humpback Whale" makes for a terrible gift. Really. If people like whales that much, they already have this. And if they do not have it then it is because they do not want it.

But whatever. This is the Friday before Christmas. Hardly the time to bring up heavy stuff. So what I have for everyone today is some fun! Just click the links for some virtual holiday good times.

First off, did you know there are evil hidden messages in Christmas Music? Well there is! And I have the proof. The proof, if you dare to uncover the truth, is here.

In other news, I Elfed myself. I needed the extra holiday money. We all have to do what we have to do.

And that is not all! Oh no! I have even more holiday fun that will keep you busy for a few hours. You can ROAST YOUR VERY OWN E-TURKEY! In real time. Yes, real time. You get an e-oven with e-dials and a 10 pound e-turkey. Set your e-oven e-thermostat, close the e-oven e-door, and then set the e-selector to "bake". When you think the e-turkey has e-baked, turn off the e-oven and open the e-door. Did I mention that everything is "e" except for the time? Thats right - the time is real. Everything else is virtual.

Fun fun fun!

By the way, special HOLIDAY BONUS POINTS will be awarded to whoever can find me the link to these so called "Miss Nevada racy photographs". I have not been able to find any.

Christmas In South Florida

THIS IS A PHOTO POST! If you do not want to read the bullshit, then skip it.

No, it is not a winter wonderland here. It is a "how the hell do people here get a drivers license" wonderland. Seriously, I wonder this all the time. But I know the answer. Us locals know where the phony drivers license vending machine is, and we know which DMV employee accepts the $100 bribe. I can't tell you this information, unless you move here. I will need to see proof of Miami-Dade County residency before I can let you in on the secret. A signed copy of a lease, a current electric or water bill, a phone bill, or a $100 bribe for me will all be accepted. Epically the bribe part. In fact, my bribe should be paper clipped to your proof of residency.

But I digress. We may not have a winter wonderland with fire places and snowmen and ponds to ice skate on and stuff, but we DO have ways of making things more Christmas-sy here. And if you DO have the White Christmas thing going - TAKE NOTES HERE! With the climate change and all your wintery snowy days will come to an end. Then what will you do?? Huh?? What then!?!! Can't build a snowman with no snow! And what will you do with all those mittens and scarves and stuff?!?!

Now without further delay, here are just some ways us sub-tropical zone living people remind ourselves that it is in fact "winter". You know, other than the fact that there are no hurricanes.

There is the annual Christmas Parade! But not just any parade! Oh no, we have the Winterfest BOAT Parade! People decorate boats large and small with lights and costumes and holiday music and whatnot. Anything goes EXCEPT nudity and booze. That is for AFTER the parade.

And we love to wrap lights all over the palm trees! It does not matter if the palm trees are real,

Or fake. Yes we have fake palm trees!

Buildings in Downtown Miami change colors

While the Miami Riot Police guard Santa's Village from heathens, undesirables, and assorted FTAA protesters.

Even the alligators get into the Christmas spirit!

And on Christmas Morning, the sun rises over the Atlantic Ocean. It looks something like this*.

* Not an actual South Florida Christmas Sunrise. But this is an actual South Florida sunrise from some time of the year.

Cleo Update

The new cat seems to be feeling a lot better. She is starting to act like a cat now. You know, running away from people when it is pill time, just looking at you like you are some kind of asshole when you call her, getting right in your face to meow loudly when she wants you to get up and feed her, and so on.

So that is good. Some people would say that the running away and looking at you like you are an asshole thing is bad. But lets face some facts here. Cleo is a cat, and cats are just like that. when they want to hang out with you, they do. When they want to do something else, they run off.

In other news, I went to a high end mall to scarf some food at the TGI Fridays. While there I decided to go crash a few stores and see what good stuff they had.

Now I have an el-cheapo stove top espresso maker thing. You have to unscrew the base, fill it with water, fill this funnel like thing with ground espresso, stick the funnel thing back into the base, screw the contraption together, then place the whole thing on the stove. The water in the base boils and is forced up the stem of the funnel to the coffee. From there it continues to be forced up another stem and into the upper portion of the thing. When the thing stops steaming the coffee is done.

It makes decent espresso - but it lacks foam. When you get the stuff at the local Cuban place, the coffee has foam. So I want foam at home too!!!

Anyway, at one store they had some espresso makers. So I find one that looked cool. All stainless steel and crap. It has a high pressure pump thing and a frothing attachment for making cafe con leche and everything.

$2400. For a COFFEE MACHINE!!! Are they totally insane? All it does is make coffee! I can get coffee at any Cuban place for around a buck. So if you buy a $2400 coffee machine, plus 7% sales tax that is $2,675 - that works out to 7.32 YEARS of buying a coffee every day at any Cuban place. And that assumes that you can get the coffee beans / grounds for free!

Finding a Cuban place in Miami is about as challenging as finding sand in the Sahara Desert. Or finding water in the Great Lakes.

Are people really that crazy? It seems so. So I found another machine that is only $300. It is still a lot for something that only makes coffee - but lets face it. Espresso machines are not cheap. They make cheap ones, but I am afraid they will not last. Automatic drip "gringo" coffee is a LOT more simple to make. For that a cheap machine will work fine. But espresso is made under pressure. Cheap pressure pumps break. So yea, avoid the $60 machine.

But I think that spending $2500 on a coffee machine is obscene.

However there are things that it is OK to spend 2 1/2 large on. The next laptop computer I am going to get will be a MacBook Pro. With the 2.33 Ghz dual core processor, 2 gigs of memory, 120 gig hard drive, and some sort of fancy graphics card with 256 megs video memory. It will cost me about as much as a fancy high end coffee machine would cost.

Or maybe Ill just go back to the stone age and get a desktop Mac. It will be cheaper, but not nearly as portable.

Things I Want, Things Nobody Needs.

I found another amazing product that promises to reduce the amount of work I have to do, and another not-so amazing product that nobody really needs. But first, something for Meow from Australia! This is a Virginia Possum - common all over North America.

Ugly bugger huh? Not like the much cuter Auzzie version of the possum. The American possum has a rat like tail, similar coloring to a rat, and a rat like face. Many people mistakenly think the possum IS a rat - which is just wrong. The Virginia Possum is a marsupial - the only one known to live in North America. It has 50 nasty looking teeth and likes to show them off when scared - but the possum is harmless. They never attack anything, except bugs. The teeth display is all for show. But still, they are ugly bastards. I have one that lives somewhere near me. I see it all the time. If you live in the States and you see a possum in your yard, the best thing to do is ignore it. They are as harmless as they are ugly. All that drooling and glaring of teeth is for show.

Now onto the awesome labor saving product! This is possibly the greatest invention ever.

This is the Cat Genie. You hook it up to a water source, and plug it into an electrical outlet. Yes, this thing is super high tech! You can set it to run automatically up to 4 times a day, or operate it manually with the touch of a button. Click HERE to see it in action!

The box does not use conventional litter. It requires a special washable litter. When activated, a scoop is deployed and the bowl rotates. The scoop collects all solid waste. The scoop then deposits the waste into a hopper. The hopper fills with water and sanitizing solution. The solid waste liquefied much like a banana in a blender. Then the nastiness is pumped out and deposited into the toilet (the contraption has to be installed by a toilet or a washing machine).

Liquid waste simply drains through the washable litter and into a pan containing sanitizing solution. When the contraption "flushes" the pee pan is flushed as well.

After this, the bowl part fills with water and sanitizing solution. The scoop arm lowers, and sifts the litter. The sifting action cleans the bowl, and the sanitizing solution cleans the litter. The washing water is drained into the pee pan and poop hopper - where it is flushed out. Then warm air dries the litter beads.

Cool huh? The device has a high up front cost ($300), but due to various reasons it could be worth twice as much. Or more.

Now onto this thing I found while walking around in Target.

This is a bottle cooler / warmer. The photo is crappy because my phone/camera sucks as a phone and makes for an even worse camera - but the picture on the box is a bottle of white wine. The bottle cooler / warmer can cool a bottle of wine to a decent temperature for white wine, or warm it to well over 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Why would one want to warm a bottle of wine? For rice wine of course! Some kinds of sake is served warm. I love that stuff! It is said that the proper temperature for warm sake is around 105 degrees.

But what really got my attention was the writing inside the wine glass you can see in the photo above.

Did you catch that? Great for use in your CAR?!?!?! Oh yea, just the other day I was driving in my car and thought to myself that it would be a great idea to have a chilled glass of white wine! But where could I get that? I was driving after all. What I needed was this bottle cooler! That way I can booze and cruise in style! You do not expect me to drink warm white wine while on the road now do you? YUCK! How barbaric!

Another thing, a car cigarette lighter plug is included with the bottle cooler / warmer. How is that for corporate responsibility?

And I also like how the box says this product is great for the office. Why at my last job the whole staff would just sit around, drinking chilled white wine and eating fine cheese all day! We needed three or four of these coolers - one for warm sake and a few to chill white wines. That way we could have a few unopened bottles chilling while drinking from the remaining bottle.

So if you WANT to get tagged for DUI and you WANT to loose your job - this may be the device for you! Just follow the handy suggestions ON THE PRODUCT BOX!

Someone in marketing needs to be fired. I think they were hitting the bottle on the clock. And in the parking lot. And who knows where else.

Does This Thing Work?

Seriously - does ANYONE know if this device works?

What you are looking at is the "Feline Evolution CatSeat Cat Toilet Training System". Supposedly, using such a device one can train cats to use the toilet.

Now of course with any system there are advantages and disadvantages.

ADVANTAGES:
1. No more having to buy litter.
2. No more scooping or box cleaning - cat by-product is flushed away.
3. Humor value. It is kind of funny.
4. Money savings over time. Litter is not super expensive but shit! 4 cats!
5. LESS WORK. Flushing the toilet takes a lot less effort than the alternative method.

DISADVANTAGES:
1. It may not work.
2. If it does not work that is $100 pissed away.
3. I could have used that $100 in MANY other ways.
4. Backsplash. Backsplash could freak out the cats and make them stop using the device.
5. If a cat EVER falls in the bowl - then that is it. That cat will stop using the device and just find some other place to shit. Like on my pillow or in my shoes. Cats are evil like that.
6. Humans have to remember to leave the toilet lid UP and the cat seat DOWN (VERY IMPORTANT)
7. It is very likely that whenever humans go in the the throne room, they will be greeted by a stew in the bowl. Pre-flushing will probably be required.

As you can see, advantages clearly outweigh the disadvantages. That is IF disadvantage number 1 is false. If the device does not work, then it is a horrible waste of money. However if the device works than really there are no disadvantages! So what - you have to pre-flush. Is that a big deal? Not really. And if all I have to do is take a wizz, pre-flushing is not a factor! I do that standing up anyway. Besides, I would rather have to pre-flush than scoop, dump, soak in a strong bleach solution, dump the bleach solution in the yard, refill with litter, and scoop again in 10 minutes because some #%$%$# cat was watching me do all that stuff and had to use the box as soon as I got the thing clean.

Seriously, Sake has been known to come in from the back yard to shit. Can she use the back yard? Apparently not. Because if she did that in the yard, I would not have to scoop anything. The cat does not want me to get bored, or make me feel like I am not needed for anything.

What I require are some product reviews. If you have ever had inside cats, did you ever get such a device? Did it work, or did the cats just start to shit in your work shoes then watch you put them on in the morning to see if you notice before you get to the office? That will teach you to take away their box!

Cats can be evil like that. They KNOW that unless I catch one of them in the act, there is no way to tell who is guilty. So they post lookouts and have a complex system in place to warn the guilty party before I can catch them doing anything. I should put the four of them to work selling crack. The cops would NEVER catch them - and I would rake in the jack. Assuming of course that the furry bastards did not just keep all the money to buy premium organic catnip.

112 Countries - According To Neo-Counter That Is.

As you can see from my Neo-Counter thing, I have hits from 112 Countries! But what the hell do the people at Neo-Counter know anyway? And how many Countries are there in the world anyway? All good questions.

There are 194 Countries in the world. Sort of. There is the Taiwan question to consider. And the answer to the Taiwan question is the opposite of the "do you want cheap imports from China" question.

After WWII, China went through a civil war of sorts. The the Nationalist government of Generalissimo Chiang Kai-shek was forced to retreated to Taiwan in December 1949. Thus was born the Republic Of China, commonly known as Taiwan. The Communist government of Chairman Mao formed the People's Republic Of China, commonly known as just China. The Republic Of China formed a democratic form of government, with free markets and so on. The People's Republic Of China isolated itself. The west quickly made friends with Taiwan.

But the PRC (People's Republic of China) never considered the ROC (Taiwan) a country. The PRC considered ROC a breakaway Provence of China. The government of the ROC considered itself the rightful government of China, forced into exile by the communist.

At some point, Taiwan was admitted to the UN. They held a seat there for a good 20 years. This seat represented ALL of China, even the communist parts. This, of course, really pissed off the communist government in Beijing. In October 1971, the PRC was admitted to the UN. Taiwan was forced to give up its seat.

But China was not done with their "break away provence" that everyone else considered a nation. In order to maintain diplomatic relations with the PRC, Beijing requires nations to break any formal relations with Taiwan. The USA stopped recognizing Taiwan in the 1970. Carter was forced to make this change, but he did not really want to. This means that in the USA there is no Taiwan Embassy. But the USA still maintains unofficial relations with Taiwan. More than 100 nations maintain unofficial relations with Taiwan. There is the "Taipei Economic and Cultural Representative Office in the United States (TECRO)" based in Washington DC and 11 "Taipei Economic and Cultural Office (TECO)" branches scattered through the United States and Guam. The United States has a consular like office in Taiwan, which is authorized to issue visas and assist US Citizens in Taiwan. But it is not called a Consulate, it is called the American Institute in Taiwan, and is a private non-profit corporation.

Interestingly enough, Taiwan has fairly good relations with Beijing. Considering all of the above, the sometimes rough language the PRC uses when talking about the ROC, the military posturing, and everything else - Taiwan and Mainland China are trade partners, Taiwan has investments inside Mainland China, and direct travel from Taiwan to China is possible.

Long story short, there are 194 Countries in the World unless you do not count Taiwan - in which case there are 193 Countries in the World.

But Neo-Counter thinks there are far more than 194 Countries in the World. Just look at the flags in that sidebar thing. I will point out the flags in question here.

1. 51 hits are from "Country Not Detected". That is not a country.

2. 18 hits from Taiwan. Although not considered by the UN or most nations as a Country - on this blog Taiwan is recognized as an independent nation. As if it makes any difference at all.

3. 14 hits from Hong Kong. Hong Kong was handed over to the PRC by the UK in a peaceful ceremony. As a result, Hong Kong is not a country. Neo-Counter counts it as a country.

4. 7 hits from Puerto Rico. Puerto Rico is not a country. It is a commonwealth of the United States. The government of Puerto Rico is similar to the government of any of the 50 States. Residents of Puerto Rico are issued US Passports and are US Citizens. But they can not vote in national elections. Neo-Counter counts Puerto Rico as a country. It is not.

5. 6 hits from "Serbia and Montenegro". The problem here is that just this year Montenegro split from Serbia. Neo-Counter counts both nations as the same place - but they are not. Serbia is Serbia, and Montenegro is Montenegro.

6. 4 hits from "Europe", which is not a nation.

7. 4 hits from Aruba. Aruba is a commonwealth of The Netherlands. It is not a nation.

8. 4 hits from the U.S. Virgin Islands. The U.S. Virgin Islands are another commonwealth. Residents are US Citizens. Unlike Puerto Rico there is a non-voting representative from the US Virgin Islands in Congress.

9. 1 hit from Gibraltar. This is not a country, but a territory of the UK.

10. 1 hit from the British Virgin Islands. Not a country Neo-Counter! It is a "Crown Colony" of the UK. The BVIs are economically independent from the UK, and the islanders elect their own government.

11. 1 hit from Bermuda. Bermuda is another Crown Colony of the UK. And like the BVIs, the UK pretty much leaves Bermuda alone. Bermuda has full autonomy, except for matters of foreign relations, national defense, and internal security. An excellent deal - no expensive military to maintain!

12. 1 hit from a "satellite provider". Neo-Counter gives this its own flag.

13. 1 hit from the Palestinian Territory. Some reliable sources still list this as a "proposed nation". But from all appearances, it is already a nation. There is a government elected by the people, lines on a map defining a border, and so on.

Now if you do some math, I can claim 102 countries. This subtracts everything listed above EXCEPT Taiwan, Serbia and Montenegro, and the Palestinian Territory. If you assume that half of the hits for "Serbia and Montenegro" came from Serbia and half from Montenegro then I am up to visitors from 103 countries.

By the way, of the 194 countries in the world, 192 have a seat in the UN. What are the two holdouts? Taiwan and Vatican City. One by force and one by choice.

Why do I know all this stuff? Why do I find this to be a subject of interest? I have no idea. It probably has a great deal to do with the last real job I had.

My New Get Rich Quick Idea!

Thanks to THIS WEB SITE, I have a brilliant foolproof way to reach early retirement!

It seems that metal prices are on the rise. But how can I cash in on this? I do not own a mine or anything.

So what I have to do is be very selective about which metals I concentrate on, and find a way to get these metals "cheap". And by cheap I mean below market value of the metal. After careful consideration, I have decided on copper, zinc, nickel, and possibly some silver.

So how do I pull this off? Who is dumb enough to provide me with copper and zinc at below market value? Or silver at below market value?!!? Nobody gives away silver do they?

Would you believe the US Mint? Yes, your pocket change is worth more than you think it is. That penny? It is worth anywhere from $.0111 (1982 - 2007) to $0202 (1909 - 1982). For newer pennies (minted after 1982 and containing 97.5% zinc) that works out to a 111.52% of face value. For every hundred bucks in new pennies you will make $11.52. For older pennies you double your money by extracting 202.33% of the face value! For every hundred bucks you can make $102.33! Avoid those war production steel pennies - they are only of value to collectors.

Nickels made after 1946 are 75% copper and 25% nickel. Currently they are worth $0681. This works out to 136.33% of face value - or a 36% profit. A hundred bucks turns into $36.33 bucks more than you had before. All you need to do is extract and separate the copper from the zinc from the nickel.

Do not bother with dimes, quarters, half dollars, or dollar coins. You will loose money there.

UNLESS the coins are old enough to be silver. Some 1942 - 1945 nickels are made from silver - those are worth $.7207. That works out to 1441.47% ABOVE face value of the coin! How about that!

Silver dimes are worth $.9266, silver quarters $2.3166, 1948 - 1964 (90% silver) half dollars are worth $4.633, 1965 - 1970 half dollars (40% silver) are worth $1.8945, 1921 - 1935 "peace dollars" are worth $9.9078, and 1971 - 1978 Eisenhower dollars are worth $4.0509.

Keep in mind this is the value of the raw metal, not the value of proof or collector quality coins, rare mint marks, or any of that other collector crap. A 1943 nickel in poor condition is still worth 72 cents.

And do not just ignore those Canadian coins! Some of them are silver too. A 1935 - 1967 Canadian "canoe" dollar is worth $7.68 American. Even in Canada.

Note that some factors, such as rarity or condition may make the coins worth more than the values listed above. But based on the current market value of copper, zinc, nickel, and silver the value is NEVER lower. No matter what. And by "no matter what" I mean unless the market value of the metals used to make these coins falls.

Not to be outdone, the US Mint has made it illegal to melt coins. But they said nothing about the reduction of US coins! If one were to dissolve a 95% copper penny in an acid solution producing copper sulfate and then extract the copper from the solution via electrolysis and the remaining zinc through some similar chemical process - that is not "melting"!! Right? I did not use any heat source here, just some good old H2SO4, an anode and a cathode, and a car battery.

I would have to research how to extract and isolate the zinc, nickel, and silver. There has to be a cheap way of doing this or else the US Mint would not have made it illegal to melt coins. Nobody is going to do this to loose money. Maybe that is the key! Different metals have a different melting point, and different densities. Perhaps it is as simple as finding which metal has a lower melting point and applying just enough heat to turn that metal into a liquid. Or using density by melting an entire coin and letting the lighter metals "float" to the surface.

And of course, no US law prevents the melting of Canadian money. And for those in Canada - nothing is stopping you from doing the same to US coins.

I shall name my 45 foot sailboat "Pocket Change". Or maybe "Melting Point". And of course there is the ever popular "Legitimate Businessman".

Rapid Fire

This will be a rapid fire post. I will cover a lot of territory, but I will not spend a whole lot of time on each point.

First on the list. Cleo the new cat. I think she is feeling better. She is on two medications, but it is easy to pill her. You can read about her condition in the previous post. It will take a week or two for the medications to fully work, but I think that already there are some results. She still can not hold it in, but I think she does feel better. She is litter trained, when she has to pee it is always in the box. She can hold that in. It is the other stuff that just comes out before she can get to the box. Poor kitty. But at least her condition is known and something can be done about it now.

Second - Bill O' Reilly. What an asshole he is. Today he thanked the idiots who buy that crap from his website because they "allowed me (Bill The Asswipe) to donate hundreds of thousands of dollars to charity". WHAT! YOU donated that money to charity? What a crock of shit. The morons who bought your junk gave that money to charity. So here it is. If you want to buy "factor gear", don't. Just take that money and give it to a charity YOU like. Do not allow that smug turd to think he is giving anything to help people. For all we know, his charity is "rich CEOs who make less than a $10 million bonus emergency Aspen vacation fund". It might be some organization you do not like. So just give the money directly to charities you like and leave assholes out of the loop! And Bill, you make MORE than enough. Donate your own money to charity. Do not take money from others and claim all the credit for donating that money.

Third - The Saudi King laid it into Cheney! The Saudis want the USA out, and they made no bones about it. They want to support the Sunnis in their quest to ethnically cleans Iraq of everyone else. Iran will support the Shi'a in their effort to ethnically cleans Iraq of everyone else. And here is the good part - Bush is screwed no matter what! He either stays and pisses off his butt buddies, or he leaves and commits political suicide. So what is it going to be Bush, do what your boyfriend says or risk screwing up a decades old business partnership? Well - what to do? Huh? We are waiting. You are the decider, are you not? SO DECIDE SOMETHING! Shit or get off the pot.

Aren't they so cute together? I hope they do not let this come between them. It would be sad if they had to break up.

Fourth - David Duke. Just shut the hell up you total piece of shit. He is in Iran right now attending a conference about how the Holocaust did not happen. What kind of total asshole do you have to be to think that the holocaust was faked? What about the death camps that I can go to if I ever get to Europe? How about the WWII footage taken from the liberation of those camps? Was that faked? How about the detailed records that the Nazis kept? Were those faked? Here is a David Duke quote taken from a Wolf Blitzer interview.

"Well, first off, Mr. Blitzer, I resent the introduction you made of me. You mentioned the Ku Klux Klan 11 times. That was over 30 — well, 30 years ago in my life, and since that time I got elected to the House of Representatives, I became — and I received a full doctorate, I have been a teacher, I have one of the best selling books in the world. And you interview many former communists in governments all over the world and you don’t introduce them by saying former communist and certainly not 11 times. I think you’re biased because you’re a former lobbyist for AIPAC. You’re a Jewish extremist, supporter of Israel, so you want to bias anyone who criticizes Zionism."

So just because since being in the KKK you were elected to the US House of Representatives (from a very southern state I might add - and from a VERY rural and white area of that very southern state) and wrote a book you are not still an asshole? Duke also says that the US is in Iraq because Israel wanted us there. That Israel provided the fake material. But it was PRESIDENT DUMB SHIT that pushed for the invasion. The French, the Germans, the Canadians, the Australians, and others tried to hold off the invasion, because they seemed to have different evidence. But nooooo. Had to do it. And now Duke wants to blame Israel. Go figure.

DAVID DUKE - just stay the F in Iran ok pal? Do us all a favor and do not come back. Get a job over there. Burn your US passport. Really - we will be fine without you. And if you do come back, Homeland Security really should detain you for interrogation. Over there in Iran, hanging out with the "axis of evil" and stuff. Who knows what WMD you might try to smuggle back in! Ill even be a good American and donate 10 boxes of rubber gloves to CBP to use in your questioning. Hell Ill do better than that! Ill donate a set of jumper cables, a few deep cycle marine batteries, a frayed lamp cord, a sponge, a bucket of super salty water, some bamboo slivers, a blow torch, a pair of locking pliers, a NUT cracker, a staple puller, a gallon of lemon juice, and 50 feet of nylon rope. Ill let the interrogator figure out how to use all that stuff.

New Cat Update - Read To The End For Possible Names!

This is NOT going to be pretty. So if you are eating anything, Ill give you some time to consider your options.

1. Finish eating real quick and keep reading.
2. Come back later, after you are finished.
3. Keep on chugging, cause you have a strong stomach and ketchup bottle analogies will not phase you.

OK so you have decided! Good for you. Now onto the business for the day.

The new cat has been having a problem since day one. That problem is related to poop. It comes out in massive quantities (for her size, new cat weighs only a little over 4 pounds), and in one of two forms. Form one has the consistency of soft serve ice cream. Form two is more like bird crap - stinky liquid ranging from clear to curdled chocolate milk like gross stuff with larger chunks of some really nasty stuff here and there.

You know that sound that a plastic ketchup bottle makes when there is just a little bit of ketchup left so when you squeeze the bottle it makes that splattering sound? Well that is what the new cat sounded like far too often.

And she seems to lack the ability to hold it in. The result - sometimes the poop made it into the litter box, and sometimes not. I was feeding the new cat in an unused bathroom so that the other cats did not eat her kitten food, and the sink got ugly. The cover on the toilet seat lid had to be taken into the back yard and hosed off.

I told you that it may be a good idea to put that chocolate milkshake down!

When she first showed up, I did bring her to the vet. The vet said that sometimes kittens just have soft poop, and it goes away. But it did not go away. It did not even get a little bit better. It just got nasty. And of course she HAD TO be a long haired cat. Talk about dingleberries! The poor little cat had to get multiple baths because of this.

Anyway, I took her back to the vet Tuesday. It was clear to me that whatever the problem was it was NOT getting better. Sometimes the poor cat would just meow and meow and then meow even louder when you picked her up - only for that almost empty ketchup bottle sound to start emanating from the back door accompanied by explosive decompression.

The vet did some more probing. The new cat hated that. When the first probe went in for a shit sample, it got all over the stainless steel table. Houston, we have a problem.

So the new diagnosis is "chronic inflamed bowel syndrome". So what does this mean? Lets pick it apart word for word.

1. Chronic - long lasting.
2. inflamed - inflamed.
3. bowel - shit producing organ.
4. syndrome - malfunction.

The theory is that this condition is caused by some sort of allergy. To what nobody knows. Maybe food. Maybe something in the environment like tree pollen or dust mites. Could be ANYTHING. This is not 100% proven, but from what has been observed it seems like an allergic reaction to something.

The body reacts by producing some sort of cell and sending it to the gut. It has some special name but I forgot what it is. My latin is terrible. Sometimes the white blood cell count is elevated as well. All this causes the intestine wall to become irritated and inflamed which in turn hinders the re-absorption of water from poop. The result - soft serve and mostly liquid poop.

The fact the new cat has a normal temperature (rules out an infection), no signs of parasites, and in the three or four weeks she has been here nothing has improved - all help to strengthen the diagnosis.

So the new cat is on some anti inflammatory drug. Twice a day she gets a pill. Today I have to go back to the vet because her blood test revealed a very high level of white blood cells - which means she needs some other pill. In 10 days she has to go back to the vet for a check up. If the pills do not produce any results, things may get really good. The cat may have to get an endoscope crammed up there and have a biopsy taken of her intestine.

Something funny just occurred to me. Endoscope! Get it? END-o-scope? Cause they stick it up your end? Of course they also stick it down the in hole. But the joke still works! IN-do-scope. Not my best material, Ill have to file this away on my "B" list. Maybe even the "C" list.

Anyhow, my experiment proving there is no such thing as a "free" cat is going well.

I am leaning towards "Cleo" as the new cat's name. I also like Cibs. Get it? C.I.B.S.? Chronic Inflamed Bowel Syndrome? More material for that "C" list!

Notice how I did not include a photo for this post. Now I hope you are still reading cause this is VERY IMPORTANT. A lack of comments will tell me that you WANT to see some photos related to this post.

Terror Quiz

So it seems the putz tapped to be the next chair of the House Intelligence Committee bungled an on air pop quiz. You know, answering that Al-Qaeda is mostly Shi'a when it is supposedly mostly Sunni. The implication of course, is that he is not qualified for the job.

And maybe he is not qualified to have the job. But since when are we concerned about qualifications? In Florida Jeb Bush was elected to be Governor - and what qualifications did he have? Well he did have that great experience from his days dealing with S&L institutions. Jeb's loan default only cost taxpayers $4,000,000 - a paltry amount compared to his brother Neil Bush who was running a S&L that went belly up to the tune of $1.6 BILLION in tax money. Ever wonder why they keep brother Neil in the closet so to speak? People might remember.

Jeb held no public office before his bid for Governor. What he was involved with in the private sector did not do so great. Same for George Bush. There are a whole string of belly up companies and lost investment money between the Bush brothers.

But who cares about all that. Failed businesses and loan defaults that had to be covered with tax payer money are EXCELLENT qualifications! Hell, I wish I could default on some multi million dollar loans and run a few banks into the ground! I know I could do it if I were only given the chance! I know I could also sign up for National Guard duty then skip out on it! And I can get arrested for DUI in Maine! I know I can! If I only had the chance to prove myself!

Lastly, I wonder how the current President would have done on a quiz in 2000. Or 2004. Or for that matter, today! Who would have ever thought that Iraq would fall apart once the minority who were oppressing the majority were driven out? Did Bush even know there were Sunnis and Shi'a Muslims in Iraq? And if he did, what the hell made him think that would get along?

But that is not important. Qualifications did not matter back then in the stone age epoch of 2000 - 2005 AD. But now they count.

Of course, because the report about the candidate for the committee chair came from the "liberal media", it is probably false. The man probably got all the questions correct. They just wanted to inject their liberal bias and spin the story. The man is probably a saint and highly qualified to be the chair of the Intelligence Committee. This must be a liberal media inspired personal attack on the man's reputation.

Great Start

The first part of this post was brought to my attention at The Lobster Messiah's blog.

You know that joke everyone keeps telling about America moving towards energy independence? Yea I know - its great. No matter how many times I hear it, I still laugh. It kind of reminds me of "The Aristocrats", except it is the punch line that changes with each telling. The set up is usually the same. The latest company to get in on this gag is Fisher Price.

It is the Fisher Price Powerwheels Escalade! According to Fisher Price, here are some of the features of this thing!

Kids ride in style in their very own realistic Cadillac Escalade EXT! A two-seat vehicle with working doors and all the bling of the real thing. Accurate details include molded windows, windshield, grill and side-view mirrors. This is a 12-volt vehicle with grass performance and a maximum speed of 5 mph. It also includes a battery charge indicator so you know exactly when it's time to "fill 'er up."

* Features a detailed dash with real FM radio and digital clock
* Included pretend CD player plays three musical tunes: Rap, Pop, and Rock
* Chromed-out wheels and tires
* Rear storage area
* Includes a convenient battery charge indicator

OK, where to start here! While I give credit to Fisher Price for equipping this toy with a 12v battery, and not its very own coal or oil fired power plant, what gives here! Do we need to train kids from a young age that real Americans buy huge ass trucks that get the worst MPG possible? Really now - the Escalade is a worthless vehicle. They cost a lot of money, and are set up for a luxury ride. Yet they are sold as a 4x4. You really need that 4 wheel drive in the city! Lots of people buy the pick up version of the Escalade to haul stuff. For off roading nothing is better than a set of low profile tires on oversize rims, the luxury interior, and the luxury car like ride. Only a total moron would buy one. If you want a truck, get a damn truck. If you want a luxury car, get a luxury CAR. Do not buy some oversize hunk of shit that tries to be both. When I take power, all registered owners of vehicles like the Escalade will be rounded up and "fixed" so they can not pollute the gene pool.

I also wonder just how far the toy Escalade can go on a battery charge. If it is like the real thing, it is going to need one hell of a long extension cord!

Next on today's agenda - Samuel Adams Old Fezziwig Ale. I got this stuff in a holiday 24 pack I picked up when I snuck into Costco. What a deal! Only $21 for 24 beers!

The holiday pack came with 4 each of 6 different beers. Boston Lager, Old Fezziwig Ale, Winter Ale, Holiday Porter, Cranberry Lambic, and Dark Ale. Boston Lager is common, as is the Dark Ale. The other stuff is associated with the holiday season.

To the good folks at Samuel Adams, "holiday beer" means malt. Lots and lots of malt. Old Fezziwig is no exception. It is heavy on the malt and light on the hops. The result is a heavy, full bodied, malty sweet beer with a hint of some spices. The label says something about nutmeg and orange, but I can not really say that I can taste nutmeg or orange. This is good, I am not a huge nutmeg fan. The spices are in the background, and just add a little twang to what would otherwise just be another (boring) overly malted beer. It kind of "tastes" like the holidays if you know what I mean. I give it a 6.5 overall, but rated as a malty sweet beer I would give it an 8. I am not that into the malty stuff, give me a hoppy IPA any day of the week!

How Soon We All Forget

It seems that in the last days of his job, Rumsfeld wants a torture lawsuit filed against him tossed out of court. The lawsuit alleges that he authorized the torture, and therefore should be held personally accountable.

The lawsuit, filed by two civil rights groups, describes the imprisonment of nine foreigners detained in Iraq and Afghanistan. The lawsuit contends the men were beaten, suspended upside down from the ceiling by chains, urinated on, shocked, sexually humiliated, burned, locked inside boxes and subjected to mock executions. Blah blah we have all heard this before. At this point, abuse of prisoners is old news. And we all know that it is important to subject people to this treatment - because under duress they might make up a story! And that made up story might just be similar to something someone else made up. Then we can bust them for plagiarism! HA!

Nobody wants to be held accountable for that mess! So yea, he would want this tossed out now.

And it is not really a shock that the Alberto Gonzalez Justice Department is on Rumsfeld's side. Here is the really good part! The Justice Department argues that Rumsfeld cannot be sued. Government officials are generally immune from lawsuits related to their jobs unless they violate a constitutional right.

And of course, the thinking is that because the people locked up overseas are not US Citizens, they have no Constitutional rights and therefore no protections under US tort law. Pretty slick huh?

But - have we already forgotten what happened not even a decade ago? The Paula Jones lawsuits against Clinton, and the right wing groups that paid her legal fees (and face lift fees) to push that as far through the courts as possible? Shit, they even strong armed Janet Reno into appointing an "independent" investigator. That was perfectly ok! Remember now?

So, exactly which pf Paula Jones's Constitutional rights were violated? Her freedom of speech? No, she was free to run her trap all she wanted. How about her right to pack heat? No, nobody told her she could not carry a duce-duce. What about her right to not have to quarter troops? No, that was not violated either. Her 4th Amendment rights? How about Amendments 5 - 10? Still no? Her right to vote? NO!!?!!?!? Come on now - one of her Constitutional rights had to be violated! Really? None were violated? Huh. Imagine that.

But now, the rules seemed to have changed. It must be part of this "new way forward" Bush is talking about now.

Another thing. During the 90s the Republicans used their majority in the House to create all sorts of new powers. For example, thanks to a rule change pushed through in the Clinton years one single member of the House can issue summons all day and night. This person in the Chair of some committee. The majority party picks all committee chairs. In the Clinton years, depositions were taken from 34 people - in addition to the collection of 43,000 documents. No formal hearings were ever held. Hundreds of hours were devoted to the investigation. And what were they investigating? If someone had abused the White House Christmas Card list. The committee's final report concluded that Hillary had stolen government property.

A whopping 12 hours were spent investigating the Abu Ghraib incident. And the conclusion - a few of the LOWEST RANKING people they could find were 100% responsible. But hundreds of hours were spent investigating a Christmas Card list. And the report from the Christmas Card list concluded that someone of a higher rank than the White House cook was guilty.

I always thought that it was terrible that the Republicans abused their majority in the 90s, in what seemed to be a personal vendetta against a man from Arkansas. And now that they have lost that majority, and the Democrats have inherited that power, the Republicans will have to lay in the bed they made.

However, I have a prediction. Watch for a lot of complaining from the Republicans. Watch for them to start crying about an abuse of power from the other side. Watch for them to try to strip the power they created away.

It will be part of the "new way forward". Bush likes to say "new way forward" now - and yet NOBODY has asked the real question. So if you are in the White House Press Corps, ask this question for me. "Mr. President, you have waffled from stay the course to new way forward. Can you give us a hint what this new way forward will be, or do you have no idea what to say so you had some writers make something up that means nothing but sounds good?"

PS - the name the cat comment contest thing is still going on! So if you have not done so, leave your cat name suggestion! You can do so at the comment section of yesterday's post.

Name The New Cat!

Inspired by Sar's popular "name that caption" weekly contest, I decided to rip off the idea and tweak it a little bit. So here it is.

The new cat needs a name "Kitty" and "Furry Little Bastard" are not really good names. Even worse is "Kitty Shits A Lot". Really - the cat barely weighs 4 pounds and it seems like she poops as much every few days. If I shit as much as the cat I would have to produce at least 150 pounds every two or three days! That would require a legendary amount of prunes. So those three names are off the list. This is what the new cat looks like.

Here are some details that may be important.

1. The cat is a female.
2. She likes to hear herself meow.

Now for the fun part. Leave a comment with a name for the new furry bastard cat. I will pick out the best acceptable names from the comments. Then there will be a vote! The winning name goes to the cat.

Lets see how this works.

Decompression

Yesterday we all learned about the ideal gas law, and what it means to your intestines. So today I would like to start off with a little 100% true story.

It was the summer of 2004. I was hanging out with a friend of mine who had traveled to many places (London, Prague, Dresden, Berlin, Vienna, Salzburg, and so on). Anyway, in conversation it was revealed that she had never gone to Las Vegas. Well shit, I had gone there once! So here was someone who had gone overseas to all sorts of exotic places, but had never gone to Las Vegas?

You can probably see where this is going. On an impulse we booked a non-stop flight from MIA to LAS and scored a room at the Tropicana for a few days.

On travel day we got a ride to the airport, did the self check-in thing for American Airlines (nobody had bags to check), and got beyond security. When the boarding announcement was made, I was ready to get on that plane. I knew it was going to directly to Vegas.

It was in the loading bridge that I knew I was in trouble. You see, I am fully aware that Miami is at sea level. Not that I am complaining about being near sea level, it makes it easy to get my boat to the bay! Perks are where you find them. I also knew that the aircraft was going to have a cabin pressure lower than sea level. I know about the relationship between pressure and gas volume. And I knew I had to let one rip. And it was going to be foul. I could feel bubbling and churning and stuff. Yes, this was going to be a gas terror attack.

Thoughts of molecules bouncing around filled my head. All the chemistry classes I had taken were thrown into active memory, in vivid detail. I knew what had to be done. I made a plan.

So here is the situation. I am in the loading bridge. Let one rip here and there is a very high
chance I will get busted. And the people who would be exposed to the foulness would be the same people I had to spend the next 4 or 5 hours with. So I could not let it out just yet. It would be rude.

But I knew I had to do something before the plane reached flight level pressure. I know this happens rather quickly after the door shuts. And I knew I had to get rid of the gas before I got to my seat, because I was going to have to remain there for several hours. I did not want people around me giving me "the look" for the entire flight.

There was only one thing to do. I was flying coach class. I was one of the last to board the aircraft. I had to walk through the first class section. Here were all these people, in the larger seats, with their hot towels, looking all smug and crap. Like they were better than me or something. It was like they were thinking "I wish all these schleppers would get to the back of the plane where they belong and stop breathing my first class air!".

Well that was it! Ill show you first class air you elitist hot towel using thinking you are better than the people sitting right behind a crappy cheap curtain S.O.B.!

I released my gas attack right there in first class. Either by luck or skill, it was a "silent but violent" variety. I started about 1/2 way through the first class section, and was done by the time got to the curtain thing. As I passed the point that divides first class from coach class, the flight attendant sealed off first class with the curtain - trapping the gas behind me. Oh yea, it was vile. I caught a whiff, and it was not good.

Nobody I had to sit with knew what I had done. As for the people in first class - who cares! I did not have to sit with them. And they exit the aircraft first, so I had better odds of winning big at a slot machine than I had of running into them ever again. And even if I did encounter them in Vegas, would they remember me? Would I remember them?

No. No chance at all.

And if by chance you were on that afternoon non-stop American Airlines flight from Miami to Las Vegas that left gate E-6 on July 2nd or 3rd 2004 - how did you like that first class air? The air in the coach cabin was minty fresh and quite nice.

Why Airports Should Ban All Foods That Contain Beans.

It seems that an American Airlines flight to Texas had to divert because someone lit a match to cover up a fart smell.

In the air, nobody knew who lit the match, or why. But the people could smell the sulfur from the match head. So, the pilot landed early. The people and stuff on board was re-screened by security. The FBI questioned the lady who admitted to striking the match.

She said she did it to cover up a "body odor". Striking a match DOES seem to cancel out a nasty fart. On the ground, not such a bad idea. On an airplane, very bad idea.

After TSA did its thing, the plane was allowed to continue to Texas. With one less passenger. The FBI did not charge the woman with anything, but did not allow her back on the plane either. According to the FBI, the woman appeared to have some kind of "mental condition". I hear a cuckoo-cuckoo clock going off?

This is why airports should ban all bean food items. What happens when you eat beans? You fart! Everyone knows this. Need proof? Google "musical fruit". You can click the last link and it should take you to the google results page for musical fruit. Even this link from ScienceDaily.com use the term "musical fruit". And of course, you may know the song about the musical fruit. The more you eat, the more you toot.

NOTE - beans are actually fruits. A lot of people think they are vegetables. Anything that has seeds is a "fruit", and anything without seeds is a vegetable. So a carrot is clearly a vegetable, while a watermelon is a fruit. Beans are seeds, and therefore fruits. But even if beans WERE vegetables, they would still be the musical fruit. The reason is that "vegetable" does not rhyme with "toot", and therefore the song would not hold the same humor value. On another side note, tomatoes ARE fruits, but they are considered "vegetables" in the USA. You may not know this, but the US Supreme Court decided this, in case called "Nix VS. Hedden". And you thought all they did was select presidents!

And then there is the physics! Commercial planes maintain a cabin pressure equal to 8,000 feet or less. So at sea level, before the plane takes off the pressure in the cabin DROPS. Here is where the "ideal gas law" comes into play. PV=nRT. What this means is that the volume of a gas depends on its pressure and temperature. Lower the temperature but hold pressure and moles constant and the volume of the gas will drop. For example, sticking a balloon in the freezer. If you lower the pressure (but keep temperature and moles constant) the volume will increase.

Now lets think about what happens before that plane takes off. You are at sea level. Your guts are also at sea level. Your body temperature is constant. And lastly, your guts contain a fixed number of moles of fart gas (in chemistry, one mole is 6.022×10²³. This number refers to atoms, so substances of different densities can be compared. One mole of gold has more mass than one mole of oxygen, but both have the same number of atoms).

You get on the aircraft. The door to the cabin is open, so nothing has changed. You take your seat and start to fiddle with the crappy headphones they sell you. The door closes. The cabin pressure drops to what you would feel at 6,000 feet. Now remember that ideal gas law? Moles (amount of fart gas) is constant. Temperature in your guts is constant. But pressure has dropped! So what happens to the volume that fart gas occupies? Thats right - the volume increases! It will find a way out. And down there, everything is a one way street - and that one way leads to the exit.

So please people - if you are going to do ANY holiday travel that involves aircraft, lay off the beans! And if you feel like you need to fart, sound off BEFORE you get on the plane. Fart at the gate. If you get on the plane holding in any gas, once the pressure drops there is no holding it in!

And if you cause someone to have to strike a match, who should be kicked off the flight?

Trees Belong In The Woods

It seems that a California woman was bitten by a Christmas Bat. She ordered a real tree from some farm, and it arrived with a little something extra. At no charge. The tree farm uses bats for pest control, and her tree was delivered occupied. As she was decorating the thing she thought that some pine needle or something stuck her. The next day she noticed a bat hanging in the tree. She called the farm and they said that several bats were removed from the tree before it was cut. But not all the bats it seems.

First off, POOR BAT! Here is this bat, minding its own business, hanging out at home. Then some jackass with a chainsaw comes along, cuts down the bat house, and delivers it to some human house. As for the other bats "removed" from the tree? Well I say that the proper word to use is EVICTED. The tree was the bat's home. They were evicted. Without proper notice. If someone cut down MY HOUSE I would bite the crap out of them too. I am on the bat's side here.

Really people - trees do not belong in your house. For starters, they are a major FIRE HAZARD. Do not believe me? Try this little test. After everyone throws out their tree in a few weeks, pull one off the curb. Using a match or a lighter, set just the very tip of one branch on fire. In 60 seconds or less, there will be a raging fireball. You will be amazed. If you want a better simulation of what COULD happen in your house, put the dead tree in one of those metal tree stands and set the tip of a lower branch on fire. A 6 foot tree will make a fire at least 12 feet high. It will burn hot and it will burn fast. The whole event will be over in 1 1/2 - 2 minutes. The only thing left will be a smoking tree trunk. Once you see a real tree go up, you will seriously think twice before ever taking one into your home again.

Here is a video for your viewing pleasure. It was made by the National Institute of Standards and Technology, and set to music by someone else. You really should see it.

Next reason to not have a tree in your house. Do you know where the idea of decorating evergreen trees in the winter comes from? Here is a link to Wikipedia, covering the general history without getting all long winded and full of every single detail. In short, ancient people thought that since all the trees EXCEPT pines lost all their leaves in the winter, some kind of powerful spirits must live in the pines. Some cultures made human and animal sacrifices to the tree spirits, some just decorated them and/or left food offerings for them. Whatever. When Christianity replaced the pagan religions, outright tree worship had to go, but in some places the evergreen tree just became associated with Christianity. For those who would refute this, find a single passage in the Bible about killing a tree, dragging it into your home, and decorating it.

And lastly - all those needles fall out and make a mess! And if you have pets - they are a pain in the ass. Cats like to attack the ornaments, and have been known to attempt climbing trees. And pets seem to LOVE to eat that tinsel stuff, making for some great festive holiday decorated poop.

But the decorated trees are deeply ingrained as Christmas symbols. They make your house feel all Christmas-ee and stuff. They are a good place to stash all those gifts under. They add a festive feeling. Kids really like them. These are all reasons to put up a tree. So, I can understand why so many people do have a Christmas tree.

But really - a fake one does the same thing a real one does. Only a fake tree is fire resistant. Cats do not try to climb them as much. The needles do not fall off. Critters are not made homeless. And there is a zero percent chance you will get attacked by an angry bat.

New Email Address!

I just remembered something! Actually I have known this for a while, but never did anything about it.

I use Blue Host for my lazyiguana.org support page. I got this domain so I have a place to create web pages and store stuff used in this blog. Those sound clips? They are on lazyiguana.org. Pictures? Some are still hot linked (when I am too lazy to save the picture to my hard drive and upload it to lazyiguana.org), but most are linked from my domain. This way I do not have to worry about broken links. The pictures are on a domain I have control over. And there is enough space there that I do not have to worry about running out.

And I have a place to put my large photos, like my Shark Valley pictures. Some of those photos are several megs. Way too large to post here. The page would take too long to download even if you have high speed access at home. But I can put them on my domain, create thumbnails, link the thumbnails to the full size photos, create a simple web page - and now anyone can view them.

Anyhow, included in the hosting fee is email support. So I went and created a new email address for this blog! It is lazy(at)lazyiguana(dot)org. Where it says (at) you put the @ symbol. I write it like that to throw off spam bots that crawl the web looking for email addresses.

And here is the good part! Those who are frequent commenters can, for a limited time, get their very own FREE exclusive limited edition lazyiguana.org email address! It will be a POP3 account, meaning you can use Outlook or Thunderbird or any other email program. Also included is Web Mail support, AND spam filtering!

If you want your very own super exclusive one of a kind lazyiguana.org email address, email me. Use the new account, listed under the map thing above this post. If your email does not contain your blogger alter-ego, throw it in so I know who you are. Only alter-egos from people who comment here enough for me to recognize them will be given an email account.

Hu's In China?

My vast network of spies and analysts have been working overtime for a long time on this video. So that means you HAVE TO watch it. Notice how I typed "have to" in all caps. That means it is important.

The video is a re-creation of a Bush briefing held in March of 2003. At the time, China "elected" a new president. And by "elected" I mean they had a raffle. NO WAIT! That is not it. By "elected" I mean a few men gathered behind closed doors and picked a new president. But that NEVER happens here in the USA so we do not have to worry about that.

As far as my secret sources can tell, this re-creation is 100% accurate. That is why I could not get this video posted here sooner. You can either have "quick" or "accurate" - but not both. But what the heck, better late than never huh?

I need to light a fire under the asses of my spy network. Those guys are really starting to work too darn slow!

New Fun Icon Thing!

As you may have noticed, this site is certified 33% evil. That is not very evil at all! Saying this blog is only 33% evil implies that it must be 67% good. That is fairly good! If you want to know how evil this post is (or how evil any other post is for that matter) - just copy all the text to your clipboard, then click the evil icon thing, click the link that says "analyze another site or text" and paste the WHOLE POST in the text area.

So what is this evil calculator thing? I am not sure to be honest. All I know is that according to it, my blog is 33% evil. I would have guessed it was more evil than that. Go figure.

As far as I can figure out, the calculator is based on the same BS the famous "Bible Code" is based on. Numerology. Total crap. I can not figure out exactly how words are translated into numbers. At first you think A=1 B=2 C=3 and so on. But not exactly! Here are some word examples from my blog - and their good / evil rating.

FAX. Word value is 607 (can you figure this out? 6+1+24=31 not 607!). 6+0+7=13. This word is SUPER EVIL!!!!!! (99% evil)

Marijuana. Word value 502. 5+2=7. This word is SUPER GOOD (1% evil)

Alabama. Word value 76. 7+6=13, or 43% evil because "Alabama" has 7 letters.

Now see why numerology is total bullshit? Fax is evil? Marijuana is good? OK OK bad example! I picked some really crappy words to make my point. So let me dig up more examples.

LAWYER. Word value 1326. 13x102=1326, lawyer is a pretty evil word
LAWYERS. Word value 1426. 1+4+2+6=13. EVIL!
Overall, if you input "lawyer lawyers" the result is only 20% evil. What gives?

Just in case you are wondering, ACCOUNTANT rates as 99% good.

So the singular "lawyer" is more evil than the plural "lawyers"?? Huh? And to take it further it takes 13 letters to spell "lawyer" and "lawyers". More evil! But if you count the consonants you get 7, which is good! The calculator is based in the Finnish Alphabet so Y is ALWAYS a vowel here. Do not worry - I already checked. The Finnish Alphabet is the same as the English Alphabet with the addition of three letters AFTER Z.

Now for more fun, lets see what happens when I input "Lazy Iguana" and "Politician". Well "lazy" and "iguana" do not come up in the analysis at all. But politician does! Here are the results. Word value 441. 441=7x7x9. Value of all words is 2340, which is also 13x180. By the way, these three words alone rank 98% evil. Politician by itself is 99% good.

So much for me running for office! It seems I can take something 99% good and turn it into something 98% evil. And people say I have no useful abilities!

But what is more amusing is that people still believe in this numerology bullshit! What needs to be done to prove it is all made up? I hope that this internet evil/good calculator thing will be a good start. Go on, CLICK IT! Just for fun. The analysis of my blog alone is slightly fun to read. You can see the straws the calculator is grasping at!

And now, some shameless plugging to increase my evil rating!!!

fax or by post he clown tag blogshares panel revenge confederate retired drive into owners blue for win strong fax fax fax fax fax fax fax fax fax.

There. Now I will post this and re-calculate my blog! Will it be more evil or more good? Who knows. Either way, the result is 100% pure bullshit.

Revenge Of The Sith II - Ken Starr Returns.

Just when you thought it was safe to go into a court room. That could be the tag line for a movie with the same title as this post.

So yea, Ken Starr is back. It seems the hole he crawled into (dean of the law school at Pepperdine University in Malibu, California) was not exactly large enough to contain him. And as far as holes go, what a nice one he got! Dean on Law at a university located in Malibu????!!? Shit, sign me up to be the grand inquisitor of who abused the White House Christmas Card mail list! Way to go Starr!

Anyway, filed under the realm of "wacky news nobody really cares about" some high school kid busted out with a banner that said "Bong Hits For Jesus" while standing on a public sidewalk near the school while the Olympic Torch was being carried by. The school suspended him for 10 days, claiming that the event was "school sponsored". Wow. And here I thought the Olympics was some kind of international brew-ha-ha. All this time it was just an event sponsored by a high school in Alaska.

Whats that? You do not know what a bong is? Well, now you do! They look something like this and are used to smoke pot. The great thing about the bong is that the smoke is filtered through water (or snow or crushed ice or ice water or whatever). This cools the smoke down and enables the bong smoker to take in massive huge hits. You get more stoned than a woman in Afghanistan who does not wear the burqa. Maybe. Some research indicates that the water can filter out some of the THC (active ingredient) - and this research was done by NORMAL (National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws) so they would know. NORMAL can do all sorts of research on weed, but when they have pro-pot rallies everyone forgets to show up. THAT is how much they care about research! Those guys are researching 24 hours a day. This is also the reason why pot will likely remain illegal for a long time to come.

Anyway, you can see where this is going. Free speech and so on. A federal appeals court in California ruled that the sign was free speech. It should be noted that this same court has ruled in favor of schools on several occasions - but for this incident they ruled based on a Supreme Court decision allowing students to wear anti-Vietnam War armbands. Also the panel of judges ruled that the school did not show how this disrupted school activities, as the sign was stashed (so to speak) after the torch went by.

The Supreme Court agreed to hear the case. Ken Starr is going to represent the school for free. What a mentsh that Ken Starr is! Of course we all know what will happen here. As the case progresses, it will switch from the banner in question to if the student lied when he said "the dog ate my homework". This could go on for years!

In other news that nobody cares about, the NBA player's association filed a lawsuit against the NBA over a rules change and a basketball material change. The NBA players have a union? Yea, I can see how they are exploited by management! They are only making millions a year for playing a stupid game. HOW UNFAIR! And now the NBA wants to change from leather balls to micro-fiber balls?!! NO FAIR!!! And the rule change resulting in more technical fouls (and fines for the players who are called)? Pure exploitation.

I say the players show the NBA who is boss by all quitting and getting real jobs. You know, jobs like everyone else has. Jobs that pay well under $100k a year. That will show them! What a bunch of overgrown BABIES these professional sportsholes are. I PRAY that for just ONE YEAR nobody watches any professional sport on TV or in a stadium / arena - or listens to a sports cast on the radio. That would really shake things up.

Just A Reminder, Please Do Not Photocopy Your Ass And Fax It To Corporate HQ.

Welcome to December! And now that it is December, here are a few little reminders from the people who want to take ALL THE FUN out of the holidays. Lawyers.

First off, be careful hosting a holiday party at your home! Did you know that if you allow someone to get tossed you could be held responsible if that person is involved in a car crash? It seems that according to the people at lawyers.com only 24% of people know this - yet 20% are planning to host a party where there will be booze.

NEWS FLASH TO THE PEOPLE AT LAWYERS.COM! Who is to say that the 20% of people planning to host a party are NOT the same 24% that know not to allow guests to drink till they puke? So what is the problem here?

And office parties! Do not let a lawyer know you are having one of those! And if you do let them find out - forget the fun! They may remind everyone that the party setting is the same as an office setting. You know what that means! Here is a quote from the article.

“An office party can be the site of a sexual harassment situation just as much as the office,” said Kopit. “Many people view an office holiday party as a fun, carefree gathering of colleagues, during which normal professional expectations are relaxed. In fact, from a legal perspective, just the opposite is true.”

The opposite is true? So legally a party has to be boring, serious non-gathering of competitors during which abnormal amateur disappointments are stiffened? Apparently so.

And just 16% of Americans have said that they were given a memo about how to not get drunk and hit on the hot chick with the huge rack.

So there you go. Host a party at your own risk. Office parties are to be held at the owners / managers risk.

Other than that - Happy Holidays!