Photograph Monday!

Welcome to the first ever installment of Photograph Monday! I have nothing else so this is as good as anything else I can make up on the fly.

Krok will like these photos. I think. Anyhow here it goes!!!! All photos featured in Photograph Monday were taken Saturday.

At anchor.


At night with my newly installed lights on


More lights at night.


I have lights in the center console and under the top. Here are some shots with just the top lights on.


And.....


Thus concludes Photograph Monday.

Project X

So what is Project X? It is secret. This is why it is called "Project X". Things called "Project X" are usually secret. This is why they do not have a better name.

Project X is not really finished. It is functional but not finished. I was going to do something else, but that did not work out so I changed the plan mid project. The change worked out well. Probably better than the original plan. So I just went with it.

Project X went in its own direction. It told me what it wanted to do. So I just went with it.

And the results? Well I am pleased. The results make me happy.


Well thats it! What you see are some LED strip lights. The center light is three strips connected together. The lights on the side are single strips. It looks a little funny so I ordered 4 more strips, so each support pole will have three strips and be of equal length.



Here it is with the flash on.

Project X is going to totally kick ass when it is done. And that will be as soon as the other 4 strips arrive.

Comment Drop Off

I have noticed a trend. The comment drop off trend.

Hey no big deal. Really. There is not really anything exciting going on here.

And for the summer, nothing exciting is good. Really. Because if something IS going on chances are it is a hurricane.

So nothing is good! Remember what Gary Gnu said! No gnews is good gnews! By the way, this is the only blog guaranteed to contain no gnews whatsoever.

Hope you did not mind that little Great Space Coaster reference there. If you do not know who Gary Gnu is you are either too old or too young. I do not know how long the show was on the TV. But you can tell by the lack of butterfly collars and shit that the show is not from the 70s. Think early to mid 80s here.

Now think about why you have not been leaving comments. And then comment on why you have not been leaving any comments.

Cat Training

For today I have..........

NOTHING!

Except for the Scat Mat. I had to dig out the Scat Mat again. See someone gave me a couch when they were moving. It was a decent couch. A sectional couch. Sort of ugly, but who gives a crap about that! Each section had a place to put drinks! Really. There was a shelf like device along the back of the couch.

Anyhow long story here. But the short version is that for some reason the white long haired cat, Saki (Sake - however the hell it is spelled...I do not care anymore) decided that the couch was a good place to take a leak. Of course I cleaned it up as best I could. But the cat did this act more than once. So enter the SCAT MAT!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPLVcrXrmc4

Whoever made this video disabled embedding. I do not know why. It is not that great. It is however funny. You get to see a stupid dog get ZAPPED!

Anyhow the Scat Mat is this device that delivers a harmless electric shock to anything that touches the mat. It feels like a static electricity discharge you get from touching your car door or whatever. Not harmful, but annoying as all hell.

I got the mat to save the couch. It worked. The pissing cat DID get the message. I was amused watching the cat discover the mat. The cat was terrified of the couch for a while. But I stopped using the mat and the cat was not terrified of the couch anymore and it got used a few more times for purposes OTHER than what you are supposed to use a couch for.

So with much regret it HAD to go. To the dump. It was very sad. I liked that couch. But the couch critic cat obviously did not like it.

Anyhow there was some other couch on sale and so now that is here. A microfiber couch! Nifty. It is sprayed with some kind of "Scotch Guard" crap that is supposed to repel liquids. Like cat pee.

It also has a 7 year warranty against stains. SUCKERS! 7 year warranty huh? And I did ask - it DOES cover cat related stains and odors. So I can always get a new couch if need be.

BUT I do not want to do this. Returning the couch and fighting with the couch people to honor the warranty is probably going to be a pain in the ass. They will say "we are out of those couches, but we can give you store credit on this much more expensive couch!". Yea....lets just do that! Ill take your $8,000 Corinthian Leather couch. Why did I not just buy this in the first place?? In fact, give me 4! And one for the bathroom, so I have a decent thing to rest my feet on while I take a shit!

So anyhow - I dug out the Scat Mat. Put in a new 9v battery and everything. Then I unrolled it on the new couch and set it to "high".

PISS ON THIS COUCH CRITIC CAT!!! I DARE YOU!!!!

Skipper was the first to discover the mat. I felt bad about this. He did not deserve the high setting. But you should have seen him jump! It was amusing.

So I set the mat to "medium". I plan to use it for a while. Long enough for anything with more than two legs to get zapped enough times to be terrified of the couch.

I HIGHLY recommend the Scat Mat to anyone who is having issues with critters jumping on things you want to keep critter free.

Movie Reviews!!

MOVIE REVIEW!! Yes, movie review. I have really been neglecting my Netflix list. But it is updated now. If I remember to do it.

For the next three selections, I have a thriller / horror theme going on. I do not expect any of these movies to be "great" or anything. They will just fill in some time. Thats all.

Anyhow - the three movies I sent in yesterday were The Golden Compass, Pink Flamingos, and Fritz The Cat. So Ill start with......

THE GOLDEN COMPASS. This movie got a lot of press for being "anti Christian". I did not see this however. It WAS very critical of the Church as an organization. But "the church" is NOT a religion. Over the years, the church (Catholic Church) has twisted and distorted the religion in order to hold onto its own power. The doctrine of papal infallibility is still on the books there. Oh really? Give a man a fancy hat and suddenly he can not make any mistakes?? What if I get a fancy hat? Will everything I say be true?

Or will I continue to be human, and make mistakes.

Anyhow - as far as a movie went it was pretty good. 4 tail whips. It was entertaining. It had a good story line. The ice bears were bad ass. It was a perfectly good fantasy adventure story. I await part 2, whenever that comes out.

PINK FLAMINGOS - This is something else. Almost an experience that defis description. It is a John Waters cult classic. BE WARNED! Not for the faint of heart. There are some pretty disgusting scenes in it. The movie was made to shock people. In the 1970s. There is nudity - male and female. Chickens are killed in a way not many chickens die in. Dog poop is eaten. Really. It is. The acting is terrible.

But it accomplishes what it set out to accomplish. You will be shocked. And probably disgusted.

This movie is beyond tail whips. So no rating for it.

FRITZ THE CAT. This one is a cartoon. With nudity. This cartoon managed to get an X rating back in 1972 or 1974 when it was released. But back then X did not mean what it means today. In the movie Fritz The Cat explores the strange decade that was the 70s. Free love, free drugs, getting harassed by the police, getting hooked up with an anarchist group that wants to blow shit up, starting a riot, you name it.

For its time Fritz The Cat was probably a decent social commentary. But it has lost its relevance over time. Three tail whips.

And there we go! Three more reviews. And I get three more movies today. When the mail arrives.

Funny And Not Funny

This just in! I decided to change posts.

I had posted a terrible horrible joke. I may even repost it later. It was funny. In a way. It is one of those "you know you are not supposed to laugh at it but it is just so darn funny you laugh and do not really care what other people may think" jokes. Kind of like this.



See you KNOW you are not supposed to think this is funny. But what can you do? It IS funny! So you laugh. I know you are laughing now. And you are saying I am horrible for posting it. I am horrible, but YOU are the one laughing at it! So we are BOTH horrible. And since you are not horrible it means I am not either. See how that works out?

Now lets switch gears to something that we can ALL AGREE is NOT FUNNY. Not even a little bit.

This is a photo of Miami Beach Marina.



Now the marina does not normally look like this. That big ass rusty nasty old POS freighter is not normally "docked" there. It lost power and steering and rammed into the seawall. As you can see it broke the seawall.

A friend of mine keeps his boat at this marina. Guess where his slip is? Ill give you a hint - you can see the slip in this photo. Sort of. The slip is a little bit obscured.

Another hint you ask?? OK. The freighter is what is obscuring the slip.

Need another hint? The slip is UNDER the keel of the freighter.

His boat WAS on a lift. Minding its own business. Getting crapped on by birds. And then the freighter hit the marina seawall, and came to a stop right on top of what used to be the boat lift.

The boat that was on the lift was damaged, as you can imagine. It was pushed off the lift and probably hit a bunch of crap.

Not a very good way to start off the week huh? That really sucks.

Hope your week is going better.

My boat is OK. It lives on a trailer - far away from any freighters.

Farming

It seems that election season is going to be VERY interesting!!!



Pretty nifty huh? I am going to vote for that guy.

I have grown to really like the scheduled post thing. I can write a post whenever, and specify the time and date it will show up.

I did not think this would be such a big deal when Blogger announced it. But I was slightly mistaken. It is pretty cool.

Anyhow I posted something about the squirts and tomatoes yesterday. Some Sunday topic huh? The squirts. And tomatoes.

And then I remembered! I did plant some produce. A few years ago I planted a coconut tree. Now coconut trees are the ULTIMATE tree for the lazy. You do not need to dig a hole! Digging a hole sucks. Trust me. It sucks.

I just took a coconut and threw it in the backyard. It landed somewhere. And there it grew. Sometime this year Ill get my first coconut harvest!!!

But I do not really like coconuts that much. I mean they are OK. Not great or anything. OK. Ill make some killer ass pina coladas however. Those will be good.

And then there is the pineapple. I got one. A whole one. I actually like pineapples. Good stuff there. I cut off the green stuff growing on the top of the pineapple. Ill plant it tomorrow. Or the next day. Or sometime before it dies. Ill get a new pineapple out of it. In theory.

It may take some time. And Ill have to dig a hole. A small hole but still a hole. That will suck. But the potential reward will be worth it.

You can tell the dog days of summer are here. It is just too darn warm to think up any funny stuff. I try, but then I just give up. Too hot to think.

This And That

What is going on with the tomatoes?

First they were ALL bad. Then Florida tomatoes were OK but other tomatoes were bad. GREAT! So I can still eat this tomato because it is a FL variety. And look! The supermarket is still selling them, with a big sign saying "Florida Tomatoes". So they must be OK!!

And now Florida and Mexican tomatoes are suspect. WHAT?!?!?! You already said FL stuff was OK!! And now you change your mind???

Oh yea, I did have a bout of the squirts. Liquid poo. A rumble down under. Nothing too bad. Kind of like some sort of mild food poisoning that lasted for a full symphony, as opposed to only one movement.

THANKS FDA!!! You guys are really on the ball here! Getting the word out to the public SOOOO FAST! And never changing your mind AFTER we eat something you say is safe.

I hope the director of the FDA, everyone in the Executive Branch, and EVERYONE who voted to cut the FDA budget gets the same squirts I had times 10,000. The super squirts. Squirts that would make you wish you had just drank some tap water in Mexico City. The "oh no its leaking down my leg and pooling in my shoes" squirts. You deserve nothing less.

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The free weather class thing was cool. It was shorter this year than last year. No lunch break. But we were done by 1 PM where as normally it is at least 3 - 3:30 PM when it is over. As expected, I did forget a few things. But now I remember again. I think.

The Skywarn volunteer spotter program is nation wide. And free. There is no cost to you. Well there is a cost to you, but you already paid it. With taxes. So might as well get your moneys worth.

http://www.weather.gov/skywarn/

Towards the bottom of the page there is a heading "how can I get involved". At the and of the paragraph there is another link. Click that then pick your state then pick the red dot closest to you. Send an email asking when the next Skywarn class is. Go to it. It lasts only a few hours. Then you get the magic hotline directly to your local weather office. If you see something you report it. Thats about all there is to it.

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No boring technical boat crap today - for today is a day of rest. For some. For others the day of rest was yesterday. And for some others the day of rest if their next day off - which is on a weekday because they are shift workers at at place that never really closes. So sometimes you have to work on a weekend. But you get Tuesday off! And you get paid more on Sunday.

Anyhow - it is a day of rest so no boring boat stuff nobody except me really cares about.

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I think that is it. Out of material. Stay tuned for a very long overdue IGUANA MOVIE REVIEW which will probably be tomorrow. Or the next day. Or whenever. If I do not forget.

Saturday Stuff

Welcome to Saturday! Another week gone by. Sort of. It all depends on when your week starts I suppose.

Sometimes Saturday can be your Monday. If you have Thursday and Fridays off. Or you may have Tuesday and Wednesday off - making Monday Friday!

Confusing huh? I thought so.

What was I talking about again??

Oh yea. Saturday.

I am going to some weather spotting class. Why not. It is free and I have nothing better to do. I just have to show up at the appointed place at the appointed time. I think I can handle that. I just wish the appointed time was a little later.

NOBODY schedules things with people who are nocturnal in mind. It is like I am some kind of freak of nature or something.

Well I say NO! I am not a freak! Everyone else is. How do you know that humans are NOT supposed to be up all night? How do you know we are not supposed to roam the world when the sun is nowhere to be seen?

Oh yea, the whole "humans do not see well in the dark" thing. OK so you got me there. Maybe my schedule is a little screwed up.

At any rate, FREE WEATHER SPOTTING CLASS! If its free its for me. They will have FREE COFFEE too. Always a plus.

They better have free coffee. The class is at a police station. Have you ever heard of a police station that did not have coffee?

Me either.

BOAT NEWS! I have two more courtesy lights to install. And I have to run a new transducer cable. The lights will be easy to install. Just drill a couple of 2 inch holes (one for each light) and then some pilot holes for the screws that hold the lights in place. Then wire them in. Simple as can be.

The transducer cable on the other hand will require more effort. First I have to pull out the old transducer cable. This will be a pain in the ass.

And then I have to pull the new cable through. This means under the deck. There are some conduits under the deck for wires and cables and stuff.

Anyhow long story short - the unit was supposed to have a quad beam transducer, it seems to have either come with a dual beam transducer or the thing does not work properly, I send the head unit back in, they sent it back to me with a new quad beam transducer. I tested the new transducer and now the side looking sonar thing works.

Trust me here - you DO NOT want the long version. It is full of stuff about 455 khz beams and 200 khz beams and 83 khz beams and degrees of coverage and so on. VERY BORING! Even puts me to sleep.

The fish laugh at my stuff anyway. The sonar does not seem to find fish, and even when it does I do not seem to catch them.

Updates Needed

I need to update my stuff.

It has come to my attention that some of my blog links are no good anymore. I hate it when that happens.

Also, my Netflix list thing has been HORRIBLY neglected. I have not had the same three movies all this time. I was just too lazy to change them.

I think that about covers the updates.

In other news, I decided to start getting my dive gear together. I knew were everything was. OR SO I THOUGHT!!!

I know where the snorkeling stuff is. Got that.

I found the regulators and gauges. I need these things to breathe, know the water depth, and know the remaining pressure in the tanks. Which I shall rent.

But I can only find ONE weight. I have two. Somewhere. But they are only 3 pounds each. I probably need more.

And I can not find the BC. This big vest like device.

THE HUNT BEGINS!! I really do not want to buy a bunch of crap.

Amazing Powers

I have amazing powers of foresight. Yesterday I bought new windshield wipers. Good ones too. Bosch Micro Edge Excel PLUS windshield wipers. Better than the regular Micro Edge Excel blades because of the PLUS. And an additional buck or two per blade.

As a general rule, the more words something has the more likely I am to buy it. All the other blade choices had shorter brand names.

And of course there was rain today. This is where the foresight part comes in. Did I nail this one or what? Had I waited to buy the wipers I would have been driving around in some pretty hard rain with crappy old wipers.

Of course it was not really foresight. It is not like I live in the Atacama Desert - the driest place on Earth - or anything. I live in an area known for frequent rainfall. And it is the rainy season. So therefore it does not take a supercomputer to figure out that it will rain. At some point. Maybe even later today! And maybe not.

I have no idea. I do not really pay attention to the forecast from day to day.

Speaking of forecasts, what the hell is up with the forecast "40% chance of rain"? Really - what does that mean? Have you ever been 40% rained on?

Not me. I either get 0% rained on or 100% rained on. There is no such thing as 40% rained on. It either rains (100% chance) or it does not rain (0% chance).

Today was one of those 100% days.

I also learned that scuba equipment is expensive. The scuba crap I have now is really old. It is all in excellent condition, because I took care of it and did not use it much - but it is still old. I do not even know if my BC still fits properly. I have to take it diving to find out. It is probably small. But I will use it for now.

My regulators were built in the mid to late 70s. I got them used in the mid to late 80s. They are something like 30 years old already. But they still work and I plan to use them some more.

I should probably replace the high pressure hose. It has to hold 3,000 PSI of air pressure. That is a lot. A new high pressure air hose is not that expensive. So I should just get that. If the old hose I have ruptures then that will suck. The dive will have to be aborted.

I plan to go diving for the first time in many years sometime soon. Like maybe next weekend. I have a friend who is certified now. So that will be cool.

Unless my high pressure hose ruptures, my BC leaks, and my regulator craps out. Then that will suck.

Old Fart In The Crowd

I had a somewhat interesting experience today.

I got a call from a friend at around 7:30 PM. It seems that the group was going to go bowling at 9 PM.

A junior member of the group is enlisting in the United States Coast Guard and has to report at the base at 5 AM today. As you read this he is already there. The exact time of his flight to boot camp seems to be classified. But anyway, it was a good excuse to go do something.

Someone picked bowling.

Anyhow there was a sign on the door stating that only those 18 years and older could be there. and that ID checks were strictly enforced.

My ID was not checked. The friend I was with was not checked either. So much for "ID checks are strictly enforced" huh?

Anyhow I would bet I was the oldest person in the place. There was jamming music going on and black lights and funky colored bowling pins and a full bar and shit. It was really nice.

I noticed I was one of the minority wearing the "over 21" wrist band.

In the group I was in there were three "old farts". I was the oldest fart. By a year or so. The rest were minors.

I define "minor" as anyone who can not legally consume alcohol. I am that old.

Anyhow it was kind of fun being the oldest and wisest person in the room. Think you have done it all??? Really now??? So what have you done? Because once for a Christmas gift I got 4 marijuana plants. REALLY good stuff too! The harvest was legendary.

Whats that??? You were never given cuttings as a Christmas gift??

Minor. Live longer. It will happen.

Another thing that was cool was I could out drink ANYONE in the room. The waiter could not bring me the beer fast enough. He had no idea who was in his section.

So I got to thinking. It is not so bad. So what if I was older than the manager on duty? I was having more fun.

And when the DJ played classic 80s hip hop - I could dig it. I knew the words. Nobody else did.

Minors seem to think history is boring.

So the three old farts in the room just had fun dancing and singing along to what I called "classical music". We contemplated what "oldies" radio would sound like in 30 years. And we drank up a storm.

The minors were in awe.

Youth really is wasted on the young.

Iguana Observations

Iguana observation time! Just what I know everyone wants to read.

Recently I have become obsessed with bumper stickers. Well maybe not "obsessed", even if I do have an impressive collection of them on the truck rear window. I am allowed to do this. It is part of the secret pickup truck drivers handbook. You are REQUIRED to have a lot of stickers. I have a photo of them somewhere but I am too lazy to unearth it.

But I have been paying more attention to bumper stickers than I usually do. After all - what else is there to do while stuck in traffic?

And what exactly have I noticed? I noticed I still see "W 04" and "Bush / Cheney 2004" stickers. People have not peeled them off yet. It is even scarier when the W 04 stickers still look new. What the hell? Did people stock up on them so that they could replace them when they started to fade?

Anyhow THAT is not what I noticed. Ill get to what I noticed in a moment. Right now I have to take a leak and think about opening up a bottle on Amstel Light. Yea yea I know. Light beer blah blah blah. But a friend left an ass load of it in the boat fish box / cooler last party cruise. Someone has to consume it. It is against maritime law to load the same beer on the boat twice. Beer loaded on a boat must either remain on the boat until such a time as it is consumed, converted to pee, and drained overboard OR be unloaded from the boat and placed in a refrigerator until it is consumed, converted to pee, then flushed. But never should a beer be unloaded from a boat then loaded back into the boat at a later date. This is bad luck and could anger the fates. Get new beer.

Anyhow THAT is not what I noticed ether. Man I am bad at this!

But now, without any more bullshit - the observation. I took a wizz and got the beer. I am now totally in reveal the observation mode.

I *DO NOT* see McCain stickers on cars that have Bush 04 stickers. Now this seems slightly strange to me. I mean 4 years ago your car was newer and had less miles on it. 4 years ago your car was in better shape than it is now. Unless you own a car LESS than 4 years old anyway. But if you bought your car AFTER the 04 elections why the hell would you have put a "W 04" sticker on it?

Nobody is that much of a political junkie.

So there it is. I am not really seeing many McCain stickers. Cars I see with old Bush campaign stickers on them do not seem to have current McCain stickers on them.

Now I realize the election is still a few months away. Hurricane season will be almost over. Hurricane season just began! So it is almost a whole season away.

But McCain has been the Republican pick for some time now. You would think the die hards would have their stickers already. And one would think someone who would deface their car with a "W 04" sticker would know who they are going to vote for already.

So I conclude - by the lack of stickers - that one of a few things is going on.

1. McCain supporters are too embarrassed to admit it.

2. A fair number of people who supported Bush in 04 are just not into it anymore. Even they have had enough.

3. People who supported Bush in 04 are so delusional they think their car has INCREASED in value, and more stickers will ruin that.

4. The McCain stickers clash with their auto paint and would just look awful.

5. People who supported Bush in 04 need a simple sticker they can understand. Like "W 04". Only one letter! Even they can read that! McCain's stickers have too many letters and confuse the hell out of them. 6 letters and two of them are upper case?!?!?! And then there are numbers on top of that?!?!

6. Political season has not really started yet and people have just not bothered to express their opinion in the form of a sticker.

Of course I do not know what this means. It may mean nothing. It may mean that the McCain camp is in more trouble than it cares to admit in public. it is simply too early to tell.

But my bumper sticker observation, in addition to the massive voter turnout for the Democratic primaries (all 51 of them) leads me to believe that the McCain camp is starting out from behind. If only the people who voted in the primaries show up, Obama will win. Even when three were running on each side the third place Democrat had more votes than ALL THREE Republican candidates combined.

I have talked to people who want to count Obama out based on race. While they do have a valid point (there is no reason to pretend otherwise) I would not just count Obama out just yet. People may just be fed up enough with the way things are going to vote in change. McCain does not represent change.

OH YEA! One more observation. I went to the Miami Summer Boat show. Attendance was low. Maybe it was due to Father's Day. But I do not think so. I talked to a lot of exhibitors and they said turnout was shitty. Not nearly as many people came to the show this year as last year. And those who did come did not spend the money they spent last year. Boat dealers were all but BEGGING for sales.

But they were ALL saying something in common. And what was that? I heard several times "maybe things will change in November" and "maybe things will improve after November" and so on.

Now what could that mean? What happens in November? And if one guy represents more of the same - who could they be talking about? If things are so great now then why bother with change or improvement?

Yes - this will be interesting. I will continue to keep my keen mind tuned into Iguana Indicators and then report on them here. When I feel like it.

By the way - I finally got some Sea Suckers! Now these are pretty neat. They are vacuum pump mounts. Not to be confused with suction cups. Vacuum cups have a pump that removes air, creating a very tight seal. I have seen similar devices used by people who move large and expensive pieces of plate glass. And automotive windshields. They would also work as a auto dent puller, for minor dents and dings.

I have been looking at these for some time now and finally gave in. The mounts I got will hold dive tanks. I bought two holders that each secure two tanks. Each vacuum cup can hold 210 pounds, and each tank rack has two cups. The mounts require no drilling and so I can put them on and take them off easily. I can also use them to hold fenders, and even use them as a place to tie fenders off to - saving space on the cleats or providing a place to attach fenders where there are no cleats or rails. Pretty slick! I already want two more small vacuum cups to mount the fire extinguishers to.



The nice Sea Sucker people even tossed in a free gimbal mount suction cup drink holder. Now that I think about it, I could use another one of those too. Ill see how the free one holds up first.

My Pantry

It seems I need to restock the pantry.

I was hankering for a snack at around 2 AM. As usual. But I was already in my underwear so I could not just drive to Denny's for a midnight special. Well I could but the cops would show up and ask me stupid questions.

Officer, how many times do I have to explain this to you. The sign says "no shoes no shirt no service". I am CLEARLY wearing a shirt and shoes. So what is the problem here? Don't you have some crack heads to chase or something?

If the Denny's wants customers to wear pants the sign should say so.

Anyhow I am banned from the Denny's. Apparently they have a problem with only wearing under pants. Like they have never seen underpants before. Everyone has them. Everyone wears them unless you are going commando. So what is the big deal?!?!?!!?

Anyhow this is a list of what I have right now in the lazy pantry.

1. A few cans of chicken broth. What the hell? Chicken broth? When did I buy that crap? I must have been really high. Or really sick.

2. A jar of maraschino cherries - dyed green. Your guess is as good as mine here.

3. Cocktail onions. I have no idea what you even use those things for - except for gibsons. And what is a gibson? A martini with a cocktail onion garnish. But I do not drink those.

4. Two cans of clam chowder. Now we are getting somewhere! But still - not really snack worthy.
5. A can of corned beef. Probably left over from hurricane season - LAST YEAR. But probably still safe to eat.

6. Two canned hams. More left over hurricane supplies? Who knows. I can not remember.

7. Various packages of some sort of breading. Think "shake and bake" here. Only it is not shake and bake. It is good on fish fillets - either baked or fried. For those days when I actually catch a fish.

And that is it.

So I had.....A BANANA SANDWICH! Here is what you need.

Bread, a banana, and mayonnaise. Spread the mayo on the bread, slice the banana, make the sandwich.

It really is better than it sounds.

So now the question is what to do with the green cherries, cocktail onions, and canned meat of unknown origin and age. Is it proper to donate it to a community kitchen or homeless shelter? I mean, everyone is going to know this is shit I uncovered from the depths of the pantry and do not want to eat.

And then there is the cherries and cocktail onions. What is a food pantry going to do with those? Make drinks for the homeless? Here homeless person who is probably an alcoholic - have a martini! Some asshole donated some cocktail onions!

Really - how can I unload this stuff? Without actually eating it.

Readers Ask

I got a series of excellent questions from alert reader Bee Repartee. So here they are!!

•A good cell provider (I have tmob and they have been good but $$$ so I'm trying to find cheaper. Cricket?)

There are no "good" cell providers. They all suck in some way. Now I have ATT. I can tell you what I like about ATT. And that is.......uhhhh.....rollover minutes? Oh yea and the 3G network. That is cool. Sort of.

And now for what sucks about ATT. I seem to get dropped calls. The thing is I do not know which end the drop is coming from. I also get spotty coverage offshore. Of course most normal people stay on land with their phones. Cell networks are designed to cover land, not really water. So I can not really fault ATT here.

Anyhow I would recommend Sprint or ATT. These two providers seem to have the best mobile data services. ATT does have a nifty family plan however. I suppose they all do. For what it is worth, I think T-Mobile and Nextel are the worst. I have known many people who had problems with these two providers.

There is ONE exception to this. Work phones. If your boss is thinking of getting you a phone really try to sell the boss on Nextel. This way you can turn off the phone when you are "on call" and then claim later that you never got the calls. Or voice mails. Nextel is just shitty enough that this is believable.

•How much apple sucks for making a new and improved iPhone when you just bought one less than a year ago.

A WHOLE LOT!! Apple hyped that phone to no end. And then almost right away they lower the price for the "good" version and stop making the lower memory version. And now they are releasing an improved version less than a year later? What bullshit. The FIRST i-phone should have worked on the 3G network, not the older slower Edge network. And did you know that the i-phone will not work with stereo bluetooth headphones? What the hell is up with that? They bill it up as an i-pod phone thing, so you can make calls AND use it as an MP3 player - and then they do not allow it to work with stereo bluetooth??? What bullshit. This is why I did not buy one.

•Why Julian Mcmahon continues to wax his eyebrows like a chick.

Maybe he IS a chick? A really ugly one. Either that or he is into Scientology and thinks that L Ron Hubbard demands that his followers to wax their eyebrows in order to please the evil lord xenu?? Who knows.

•What McDonald means by 'chicken pieces and parts' for their chicken nugget ingredients (in English, I'm sure this means beaks and bird sphincters.)

You do not want to know. Just eat the nuggets and try to not think about what pieces and parts of chickens they use.

By the way, have you noticed there are exactly THREE shapes that chicken nuggets come in? Really. Check it out next time you get some. These three shapes just happen to be the perfect shapes to get all the sauce out of the little containers that come with the nuggets.

I notice shit like that.

Snacks

Once again, I had this idea for a post and then I forgot it.

This happens frequently. It really is amazing I can keep coming up with material for this blog. I amaze even myself.

I want a snack. But I have none. And it is 2:30 AM. I am pretty much screwed. I could go out and forage for food, but I am too lazy.

And just where does one forage for food at 2:30 AM? Good question. There were some 24 hour supermarkets around here. But I think they all close at midnight now. That sucks.

There is always Denny's. They have some after 10 PM and before 6 AM specials. There is an option. Along the same lines there are some Cuban places that never close.

So if I really wanted to, I could go to one of these places. But then I have to get up, drive there, park the vehicle, walk in, order food, and so on. What a mission.

And then there are some drive up places that are open late. Really late. But......well at some point you just have to wonder if it is all worth it. Do I really need food that bad? To resort to Taco Bell or McDonalds?

No. Nobody in America needs food that bad. Really. You see the same people I see waddling around. You see the people stalking the parking lots waiting for the spot right next to the mall entrance to open up when 50 feet away there are a thousand empty spots.

Heaven forbid ANYONE has to walk a few steps!

And then there is the one segment of the economy actually GROWING. The motorized scooter market. I am seeing more and more of these things. Who needs knees? Why just gorge yourself with cheeseburgers and when your mass is so great that your knee cartilage collapses in on itself like a black hole leaving you unable to walk - just get a motorized scooter! Problem solved.

So no, America DOES NOT NEED a 24 hour drive up McDonalds window. But we have them! At the intersection of Turd Road (SW 40th street) and 67th ave there is one.

This brings up another interesting thing. You have probably heard that ethanol is driving up food prices. Because corn is used to make ethanol and not used for food.

Now I will not dispute that ethanol is a scam. Maybe the technology can be improved, but right now more energy is put into the production of ethanol than is harvested from it.

And yes, the ever increasing price of diesel fuel is putting pressure on food prices.

But NOBODY is talking about the pressure on food prices this guy is creating. All by himself. Now what you see here is the result of years of training. This does not happen overnight. You have to consume massive amounts of energy. Enough food to maintain three or four people. Every day. For a long time.

Of course this guy (found using Google images) is not alone. He has a lot of friends.

Now using Lazy Iguana math, I figure we can REDUCE food demand in the USA by at least 20%. This will result in lower food prices, and/or provide more stuff with which to make ethanol with.

How? How can we reduce food demand by 20%??
Easy. Close the 24 hour McDonalds. We do not need them.

I put some white seedless grapes in the freezer. They should be frozen by now. You should try this. They do not freeze solid. They freeze to this semi-solid like state. You can chew them without breaking teeth.

And best of all, they make the PERFECT "ice cubes" for your white wine.

Grade A Propaganda

Get this. For some reason I get John McCain propaganda in the form of emails. It seems I signed up for them at some point. OH YEA! I remember how now.

It is somewhat crazy. All campaigns have websites now. And one of the things that campaigns do with their websites is allow people to create what they call "blogs". You simply register with a valid email address and you can put up a "personalized support page". Of course by "personalized" they mean you get to pick from a list of ONE template and then add up to 250 words. Or something like that.

Anyway on the Obama blog thing someone put up a Black Panther support page. Could have been for real - could have been a right wing plant. Either is just as likely because ANYONE could sign up and get a page.

But people insisted that Obama personally put the "link" on his site. So I registered for the same thing on McCain's site. I was about 80% done creating a "Nazi KKK Homosexual Transvestite Satan Worshipers Who Drink The Blood Of Infants Who Support McCain" page - which I was then going to send to the forum PROVING that McCain and his entire staff are in fact Nazi KKK homosexual transvestite satan worshipers.

But then I figured what is the point. They had already made up their mind about the issue. So I quit.

However I still get the emails! And this is some class A propaganda! Here is a sample.

"The key points to pay attention to are that voters know who John McCain is and they
understand that he has the experience necessary to lead our country. He also
continues to lead in targeted states with voters who are concerned about the big
issues."

The key points to pay attention to are that voters know who John McCain is?? Uhhh - think everyone already knows that. He is that old guy running for President. I think.

And if he is leading in targeted states with voters concerned about the big issues, don't those voters already know who he is? If they do not know who he is - how the hell can he be "leading"?
Anyhow - I find stuff like this humorous. Does anyone read this shit before they send it out? Apparently not.

PLEASE! READ YOUR PROPAGANDA BEFORE SENDING IT OUT!!! Ill even offer my expert services in the art of propaganda deciphering to any campaign who will pony up my fee. Which is negotiable.

When the McCain camp sends me a request for fund raising via snail mail - Ill send my usual Monopoly money. I am very generous with Monopoly money. I have been known to mail off handfuls of $100 bills. Parker Brothers $100 bills.

AND NOW......MORE CAT NEWS!!!

Sake has figured out how to render my landing net useless. She has taken to hiding under things now. So to find her I just reach under things. If I hear something growling and feel a paw striking my hand I start grabbing for anything that feels furry.

One of these days I am going to pull out a raccoon or possum or something. Then I will have to go to the emergency room and explain to 100 people how I got bit by a wild animal and then get a series of rabies shots.

I have also got pretty good at grabbing the "cat handle". The cat handle is also known as the tail. As the cat runs by, you grab the tail. It really helps to have TILE FLOORS when doing this.

Needless to say, it will be a happy day when all this "cats need eye medicine" shit is over with.

And so will Sake.

Still Here

I am back!

I did not actually go anywhere. I just neglected to post anything. This is due to a variety of things.

1. The summer "blahs". It is getting sort of warm here. The warmth zaps your strength and motivation.

2. Nothing worth writing about.

3. Laziness.

I suppose you could combine reasons 1 and 3 if you want. I will not because I am far too lazy for that.

But do not think nothing exciting is happening! Oh no. It was a banner past few days. First I noticed that something sounded wrong with the vehicle. So I did some investigating and discovered that there is no sound coming from the front passenger door speakers. Well there is a little sound, but not like it should be.

So I get all upset and shit because I figure my amp is dead. Which would suck. I like my amp. So I go to the place that installed all my shit and they determine that the crossover is shot.

And of course - they do not sell just a crossover. They sell component speaker sets that include crossovers.

See I have a 6 speaker system. The front speakers are mid range speakers with tweeters. The rear speakers are full range. The crossovers split the signal so the highs go to the tweeter and the mids and lows go to the door speakers.

The tweeter on the passenger side is probably shot.

So I have to get a new component speaker set. Great! Just what I wanted to do! and while I am at it I might as well replace the factory radio already. The place has a good deal on a Sony stereo. Then I can get rid of the high/low converters that make the factory stereo compatible with the amp. I can also get rid of the cassette tape adapter thing for my satellite radio. The Sony has a front panel input jack for stuff like that. The CD player in the Sony can also read MP3 files. So what the hell.

But I hate doing shit like this. AGGHHHH! Why the hell did the crossover have to quit? Sure the Sony is on sale. I can have it installed for LESS than what the same unit would cost from an online store. But it is still money. You know, that stuff I could use for something else?

And then Saturday I notice Sake's eye looked pink and puffy. The eye funk Fred had spread to Sake. Just as I was ready to declare Fred all eye funk free and retire the cat eye goop, Sake comes down with the same shit.

Hey - at least I already have the medicine! I just needed more. So call the vet and they say come get more goop. So I did. I pulled a scam and brought the cat in without an appointment. The staff looked at the funky eye and agreed it was the same cat pink eye crap Fred had and gave me more eye stuff.

Sake HATES the cat carrier. Sake HATES to be captured and stuffed in the cat carrier. Sake HATES to ride in a vehicle.

And then to make it worse, Sake HATES getting stuff put into her eye. She growls and squirms and complains and uses her claws and everything. Fred was so much easier.

Here is how the process works. It is time for the eye medicine. So I have to search for the cat, who is ALWAYS hiding somewhere. And if she is not hiding, she never lets you catch her. She figures you are going to trim her claws or something if you try to catch her. So she runs away.

Now if you chase her she really figures out something is amiss. So she runs faster.

10 minutes later, when you finally catch her, she is pissed off. And you have not done anything except catch the cat.

Now you have to hold her on her back (she HATES this) and open up her eye (also hates that) and put the eye goop in.

This is no joke. For her third dose of eye goop today I had to use my fishing landing net to catch the cat. Really. But this method will not work tomorrow because the cat knows what my landing net tactic is. She will adapt and come up with counter measures to render the net useless.

Such are the joys of cat ownership.

Now you may be asking why I put up with this. The cat apparently hates EVERYTHING except when you give her food.

Well you see, she lives here. And sometimes, on rare occasions, she acts like a house cat and will actually allow a human to pet her and not growl. She will hang out near people, but not with them. This is really fine with me, she has long hair and sheds tons of it. Everything I own is covered in cat hair and Sake is the primary reason for that.

In other news, some ASSHOLE keeps leaving bottles across the street by a storm drain. Now this would just be a minor annoyance except that I pull into that area to back the boat into its home. Sunday I used the boat and sure enough as I pull up to back it in after the day there is the sound of a truck tire running over a bottle.

The last two times the boat went out I ran over a bottle in that spot. If I EVER get a flat from this so help me I will put the wireless web cam to use and find out who is leaving bottles there.

Then plot revenge. Find out who they are and where they live. The find a crack head. Give the crack head a buck and the address. Tell the crack head that if they take a massive shit on the bottle leavers front porch Ill pay the crack head $50 cash. In all $5 bills for their convenience. There will be a bonus $20 if the crack head also pisses in the car AC vent intake. If I deem the crack head went above and beyond my requests then Ill make it known that I tip well. Be creative. Maybe smear some shit on the inside of the car door handles? That would be cool.

Ill make a sign the crack head can leave in the pile of shit that says "thanks for leaving your glass bottles by the storm drain! It really adds a touch of class to the street. Next time use a garbage can or else Ill hire an ARMY of crack heads to drop a duce on everything you own".

See how they like it when someone leaves a little present for them! Litter the neighborhood with bottles huh? Put them somewhere where I run them over huh? Think it is funny huh?

Well guess what mystery asshole - I have a FAR SICKER sense of humor than you do. I can devote hours thinking up some really dark twisted "funny" things. You can not compete with me in this area. I will cause you to spend thousands on therapy after you crack because you can not figure out why someone hates you so much.

Anyhow, this is just a sample of what is going on here. It is going to be a long, long, hot summer. At this rate I may just end up going postal. Except for the fact going postal takes far too much effort.

And ammo is too expensive.

But mainly I am just too darn lazy. Plus I am anti violence. Going postal and being anti violence is not exactly compatible. You have to pick one. I pick non-violence.

Notice how I did not say "pacifist". I am not one of those. A pacifist would not contemplate hiring a crack head to take a shit on someone's porch. But a non-violent person would.

Missing Days

QUICK POST!!

Got a lot of shit going down here. Ill be back to a more regular posting schedule next week. Which means tomorrow now that I stop to think of it.

Lazy Iguana weeks ALWAYS start on Monday. Until I change that rule.

Boring Political Bullshit

It seems nobody likes my political bullshit. Zero comments over two days.

Now I can not really blame anyone for this. Political bullshit is boring.

But I know what is more exciting than political bullshit! LED lights! I have become obsessed with LED lights. I can not get enough LED lights.

Due to this obsession, I have been converting to LED lights whenever possible. All my flashlights are LED now. These were the first to be converted / replaced.

You see, LED lights draw very little power. So a LED flashlight can use smaller batteries (less weight) and your batteries last a long time. And you still get a lot of light.

I am also in the process of replacing the lights in my truck with LED. I have already replaced the tail running / brake lights. The running lights and brake lights are the same in my truck. One of the brake lights burned out so I replaced them both with LED. Before I can replace the turn signals with LED I need to get a LED compatible flasher. Otherwise the truck will think one of my lights is burned out and the turn signals will flash really fast.

LED lights last a very long time. They will not burn out. Not for some insane number of hours anyway. The truck wiring will corrode away before the lights fail.

Most recently I did this.



I have two courtesy lights in the boat. They used to have white lights. Now they have blue LED bulbs.

Anyhow I keep plugging away. When I can replace something with a LED bulb I do. I would like to get LED lights for the house, but they are so darn expensive. The good thing is they will last forever (most are rated for 100,000 hours - that is over 10 years left on all the time) and draw very little power. They are the ultimate in energy saving light devices.

As I said - I am obsessed with LED. Everything must be LED for all to be OK in the world. I am on a mission here.

Done

As you may have noticed, I have not commented about the whole primary thing very much. I can only recall ONE post I have made about it - and that mostly related to math.

Nothing about the rules committee thing that happened over the weekend.

So now it is time to let it all out!

Hillary is done. There is no way she can win. The math is just not going to worn out for her. Like I said before - it is all about the math. And the numbers do not add up for her.

She DID NOT win the popular vote. Unless you do not count the caucus states and do not give Obama any votes in Michigan. Because his name was not on the ballot. Because he signed a pledge saying he would take his name off the ballot. Hillary signed the same pledge, but "forgot" to remove her name. Funny how that happened.

Hillary DID NOT win more delegates.

Hillary lost. If you happen to be a Hillary supporter, that is fine. But she lost.

It was not because the media was biased against her. The media was all about how she was "unstoppable" before the primaries started. It was already a done deal. She was going to win. The media did not give anyone else a chance. So please, stop with the whole "biased media" bullshit.

She lost. Sometimes you win, sometimes you do not win. That is how it works. So please, stop the drama.

But can Obama win? I think it will be a close call. Sure - he is a few shades too dark. Yes, he will make some uncomfortable. No, a lot of people will not vote for him due to his darkness.

But you know what? There are red states. There are states that have not been Democrat since the civil rights movement. I find it amusing that the Republicans say they are the party of Lincoln today. Well guess what? You know why the deep south was blue for so long???

Because the Republicans were the party of Lincoln. The deep south HATED Lincoln. You know where "Yellow Dog Democrats" came from? The south. "Yellow Dog Democrats" were people who would vote for a yellow dog before a Republican.

But then came the civil rights movement. The southern Democrats split off and became the "Dixiecrats". They wanted to keep Jim Crow laws. STATES RIGHTS! By the way, this is when it became popular to fly the "Stars and Bars". Before this time it was uncommon to see a Confederate Battle Flag flying anywhere except at a Civil War monument. State Flags were redesigned to incorporate the stars and bars. And so on.

The Dixiecrats later became Republicans. And the South was red after that.

But anyway, enough boring history.

There is serious concern about Obama's ability to win "red" states. I do not see why there is concern. Red states are red! They are always red. Clinton won in 92 and again in 96 - without winning the red states. So what is the big deal there?

Obama will win the blue states. Democrats always win the blue states.

So how about the purple states?

Well lets see. The Democrat primaries say massive turnout. Record numbers of voters in many cases. It is likely the same people will vote Democrat in the general election. So there is that to consider.

And then there is something else. I know a fair number of people here. Well today I was talking to a friend of mine over a few drinks. He is slightly older than I am. He has a very well paying job in the finance industry. He has a house ON THE WATER. In Dade County. On the water. Not a cheap house. He owns a twin engine 26 foot Boston Whaler. This is a nice ass boat! Wife, kids, family values, drives a H2 - the whole bit.

Somewhat well off, but also EDUCATED. Not a trust fund case who was handed it all on a silver platter.

And he voted for......OBAMA in the FL primaries. It seems he read Obama's book a while ago. And when given the chance he voted for Obama. He has also contributed around $5,000 to Obama.

I was really surprised to hear this. I would never have guessed.

This is why I think Obama has a shot.

It is not over yet. Not even close. November is not a done deal for either side. Obama can possibly win.

By the way, I also voted for Obama in the FL primaries. I knew that my vote would not matter because the delegates were to be stripped from the State. But I voted anyway. There were too many other very important issues on the ballot.

Hillary really need to quit at this point. She needed to quit long ago. As soon as the math was not going to work out for her would have been a good time to bow out. But she decided to stay in. And claim she was winning, even when the numbers said otherwise.

Hillary is done. The primaries are over. She needs to quit already. And she need to let Obama decide who he will pick as his running mate. It may or may not be her. She and her supporters need to just deal with that.

By the way, I think Hillary would be a bad VP choice. She has already fucked that up by her actions in the primaries. She said and did so many things already. Like saying she would pull her name off the Michigan ballot - and failing to do so. Saying she would not campaign in FL then going to FL right before the primaries here on a "fund raising trip" and making campaign speeches. Sure she called them fund raising speeches - perfectly legal under the agreement - but the were campaign speeches.

She cooked herself. By her own actions. It is not a biased media. It was all her.

How Rocks Are Made.

THINGS I DID NOT NEED TO KNOW:

I sometimes like to watch that show "how its made". Cause I like to know how things are made. So I see the show is on, and check the description to find out what is being made on it.

Granite. I shit you not. Granite. GRANITE!?!?!? How do they make a rock??!?! They don't. They FIND the granite. Already made. By the planet. It is a rock! You do not make a rock. They are already here.

Hey - I wonder how they make sea water? Maybe I should write the show?

HOW DID CAPTAIN HOOK DIE??????
From jock itch.

How did the cowboy get shit on his mustache????
Looking for love in all the wrong places.

If you do not get this one, I got a You Tube video that will clue you in.



Yea I know. Terrible music. But compared to other 80s Country music songs, was it really that bad?

So I searched You Tube for "worst 80s song". And this came up. And what came up?? BLOTTO!!!! As featured in my Iguana Music.



Come on. Blotto was great. You what to know what a terrible 80s music video was?? Do you really?? OK.



Quick! What is this?


This is the newest addition to the equipment I keep on the boat. I saw it and just could not pass it over. It is a shark! Clearly a shark. With a stainless steel tail and eyes. And it opens bottles! On the bottom of the shark is a bottle opening thing. Stainless steel. So it will, in theory, not have rust problems. The current bottle opener is not really made with boats and saltwater in mind. I will remove it and replace it with the shark.

Anyhow that is my cool new shark bottle opener. I like it. It makes me happy. I will enjoy it. When on the boat. All other times I will not enjoy it so much because it will be on the boat.

One more thing. You know about that uncontacted tribe in the jungle that was recently discovered? Of course you do. Everyone knows. Except the uncontacted tribe. They do not know. Nobody has contacted them to tell them they are on TV.

How bad does that suck? You make INTERNATIONAL news. Celebrity status. You can get into all the hot clubs without having to buy a $500 bottle of vodka. You can have sex with Paris Hilton and sell the tape and make more money. And then write a tell all book about how you contracted gonorrhea or something. Make more money.

But there is only one problem. You live in the middle of the jungle, and nobody has contacted you to tell you all this. You get your 15 minutes of fame and do not even realize it.

So anyway - I was watching CNN. Rick Sanchez is on talking about some shit. And then he needs filler time. He gets through all the bullshit and needs some more bullshit to talk about for a minute or two.

So he has the photo of the tribe on the screen, and is circling a hut saying "this is where everyone in the village gathers to cook play Twister" and "the red paint on these two men are a sign of aggression" and "this hut is a house for a family".

WOAH THERE RICK!!!!! How are you such an expert? The tribe is UNCONTACTED! Remember? Uncontacted. As in no contact. So how the fuck do you know which hut is used for what?

Also I would think that shooting arrows at you is more of a sign of hostility than red body paint. Good thing the tribe is not in the USA. Homeland Security would probably have a problem with shooting arrows at aircraft.

Happy June 1st!

So how was your June 1st?

Mine was OK. Nothing too exciting. I went out in the boat. But not just to go out in the boat! OH NO! It was serious business. There was some serious training involved. I had to practice giving commands and general boat handling, and the other people had to practice following the commands I gave and stuff. There was some towing of another boat involved. There was following a compass course. And so on.

I stumbled onto a pretty good scam. Only thing is I do not know which side of the scam I am on. Here is how it works.

I use my boat on a safety patrol. Every 30 minutes I get checked on by the Coast Guard. I have to drive the boat around my assigned area looking for stuff. Like boats in distress. And goobers doing things like towing people on an inner tube, in an idle speed zone, where there is a ton of boat traffic. What the crap? I also plucked garbage out of the water. A 5 gallon bucket, a plastic patio chair, a three liter soda bottle, and some plastic bags.

For doing this, the government pays for my gas.

I offer my boat for a patrol looking for things, and they pay for my gas.

Today I was out 10 hours and burned 10 gallons of fuel. Really. Thats it. I ran off only one tank and filled it up at the end of the day. 10 gallons. So it cost the government 1 gallon per hour. Not a bad deal really. A lot of the time was spent going slow. An hour or so was lunch.

So all parties involved here get something. The government gets a very cheap extra boat for the day. I get paid back for all the gas I used up. Win win!

I made a great call with the boat I ended up with. Other people may have larger faster boats with more engines, but they also burn 80 - 150 gallons in a day. Holy shit! How can anyone afford that?

ANYHOW......what the hell is June 1st??? Some sort of holiday you forgot about possibly? Not exactly.

Just 1 is the first day of the Atlantic hurricane season. It is now no longer "not hurricane season" season in Florida. Here is to a quiet season!!

(drinks shot of 12 year old rum)

I Need A Wii

I think I should get a Wii. It has come to my attention there is a game called Wii Fit. Here is what happens when you have this game.



Now it has come to my attention I do not have a Wii. I need to correct this situation at the earliest opportunity. Then I need to get the Fit game.