What Is Best In Life?

To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of the women.


As you can tell, I may have gotten around to watching Conan The Barbarian. An epic tale of revenge. With snakes. And heads getting lopped off. And of course a moral.

Don't piss off a barbarian, or anyone who may one day become a barbarian.

The most amazing thing is that it seems this movie has only recently been released on DVD. The very first "Sword and Sorcery" film and it is just now out on DVD? Or at least Netflix just recently obtained this movie. It was on my "saved" list for a long time.

And now a movie for you! Well not so much a movie as a creepy commercial. With a clown. A lame ass clown.


WOW! Television used to be really lame. And creepy. Would you let your kids near some guy wearing a paper soda cup as a nose? I think this commercial is why clown phobia is so common today.

But the guy in this commercial went on to become even more famous. Here is a segment of another TV show he was in.


OK THERE! Moving on........

Clowns are creepy. And never talk to the cops without an attorney. And for crying out loud, lay off the internet chat rooms!

Speaking of cops, I was at aTGI Froday's by the University Of Miami getting food a few days ago. And what did I see?

A car parked in such a way that it was taking up two spaces. So I think to myself "what an asshole this person is". I park at the spot next to the car taking up two spaces, and take another look at the asshole car.

I notice it is a Crown Victoria. I think to myself "huh, lots of police departments buy those".

And then I notice, on either side of the third brake light..........

Police lights. And on front of the car is one of those police spot light things. And behind the grill are more police lights. And at the top of the windshield are more police lights.

What we have here is an unmarked police vehicle. With an ASSHOLE driving it.

Suddenly it was all clear. The ASSHOLE driving the PIG MOBILE is above the law. He can park and take up multiple spaces in a busy parking lot, for his special powers of PORK give him the right to just ignore the lines in the parking lot! Of course us normal people who are NOT PIGS have to obey every single law or else the SWINE will pull us over in his unmarked car and ticket us.

But the law clearly did not apply to him. His PIG BUDDIES were not going to give him a ticket. Nobody was going to tow the car. And even if the car did get towed, the PIG would just go to the tow truck lot, flash a badge, and get the car back. No problem.

So I have a message to the PIG! Why limit your law breaking to double parking? Why not use a handicapped space? You will not get a ticket. Or what the hell, just park sideways and take up three or even four spaces. You deserve that. You are so much better than us peons who have to follow the law because it is the law.

But you, oh mighty one, are above the law. For you ARE the law. I should have offered to wash and wax that patrol car for you as homage to your greatness.

This kind of bullshit really pisses me off. The law is SUPPOSED TO apply to all equally. That is the why it is the law. But all the time I see cops just figuring that they can ignore the law, as if it were something that did not apply to them. I have seen them run red lights WITHOUT emergency lights on - and then just drive normally. Clearly not on any emergency call.

I have been passed by cops exceeding the speed limit by 20 mph on the highway. How did I know they were not on an emergency call? Because they were Miami-Dade County cops and I was in Borward County - or they were Florida City cops and I was in Doral. Or something similar.

Pigs with take home vehicles, speeding because they are in marked cars and will not get pulled over because of some stupid pig code.

But when I change lanes illegally - BAM! I am some sort of major traffic law violator and I get a ticket. But had I flashed a badge, the West Miami police would have just told me to go.

Now as someone who has worked in the government I would hear all the time "the appearance of unethical behavior is just as bad as actual unethical behavior". Or something like that. The idea was that we were supposed to conduct ourselves in such a way as to convey a positive image to the general public.

Of course this does not apply to cops. They are above the law and better than everyone else. So they can hog up multiple spots in a parking lot.

I carry my camera around with me now so I can document any more examples of pigness that I happen to encounter and can photograph.

They expect us to follow the law, so THEY SHOULD SET THE EXAMPLE and follow all laws to the letter. But they don't. They just ticket us when we don't follow the law. But to the police, laws are merely suggestions. Not rules they must obey.

Never before was I more tempted to take a piss in a gas tank. But I did not, for that would be against the law. And I obey the law. Except for some lane changing laws which I have been known to break. OOPS!

But you know what is better than taking a leak in the gas tank? Taking a leak on the door handle. The driver would have to touch the door handle to open it. Taking a wizz in the gas tank would just cost tax payers money to fix the car, and the cops would get a newer patrol car out of the deal. So yea - never before was I more tempted to pee on the police car door handle.

But again - against the law. Unless you happen to be a police officer. Then it would be OK.

It's About Time

Someone made their last State Of The Union speech yesterday. Finally. After making 8 too many.

Now one may think that I will comment on said State Of The Union speech. But I am not. The photo to the left has NOTHING AT ALL to do with the speech. It is just a random picture which has nothing to do with anything. I do not even know why I put it up! Having nothing to do with any opinion I may have at the moment, it will just confuse readers. Because it is just a random picture. And stuff.

Of course, what did we expect? Nobody in their right mind will be too truthful in a State Of The Union speech unless things really are going great. But most of the time no matter how "great" things are there are ALWAYS issues that you have to gloss over.

I question how the stimulus package is supposed to "help" the economy. A one time pay out? That is going to save the world? Am I supposed to buy that? And the tax cuts need to be made permanent? Why, because they have been working so great so far? And of course, they have worked so great that we now need a stimulus package because the economy is getting ready to tank?

I think I am missing something here. I just can not figure out exactly what.

Of course, there is that trickle down theory! Lets investigate why that theory does not work! See it used to work. Back when America was the World's China and tons of stuff was made here. Back when the USA exported more than it imported. All money is either spent OR invested. So giving people at the top more meant that there was more investment. And where did that investment money go? Where it could make the most return of course! And where was that? AMERICA!! So the theory did actually work. The money stayed here.

But today where is investment money going? Well lets see here, where would I make more with my investment money? ASIA! Yes Asia. That is where the explosive growth is going down.

So with no guarantee that investment money will stay here (there is an excellent chance it will end up in foreign markets) the trickle down theory kind of fizzles. Think about it. WHEN did we start to export jobs and industry to China? Or at least ,when did we get serious about it? The 80s. And what economic policy was the rage then? So what did we get for all the happy horse shit sold to us? An outflow of jobs. Of course this would have happened anyway, labor in China is cheaper than labor in the USA.

Call me crazy, but maybe it is time for a trickle up policy. Give people in the lower and middle segments more money. Yes some will be invested - and those investments can be anywhere in the world. But more of it will be spent. Right here.

No mention of inflation. The Federal Reserve will not utter that word. So I will. The value of the US Dollar is at a low point. Not the all time low, but lower than it has been in a very long time.

Of course, some (mostly Republican) people will say "devalued currency is good because it makes exports cheaper". OK fine - Ill go along with that. Because it is true.

So what the hell does America export anymore? We used to export all sorts of consumer goods. So in days past when the US Dollar dropped in value then more of our consumer goods were sold overseas.

Pretty much the USA used to be the World's China. But now China is the World's China. We have transitioned from a major exporter to a major importer.

Now follow me here! Since we do not export anything of note (we DO export some things, but it is a well established fact we import FAR MORE than we export) - a drop in the value of our currency is BAD NEWS! It makes IMPORTS more expensive.

And it made oil more expensive. Europe is buying oil too - with Euros worth more than Dollars! So what does that mean? We need more Dollars to buy oil. Why sell the USA a barrel of oil for $60 when you can sell that same barrel for 60 Euros?

The oil exporting nations are not stupid. They understand the concept of value very well. They are not going to sell the USA something for a lower price than they can sell it to France for. Duh.

So what we are looking at IS inflation. And a $600 or $1200 check will not help that. Well it may help for one month. But what about the other 11 months of this year? Salaries are still NOT going up at the same rate as the cost of living! People are still working just as hard, or even harder, while watching the value of their earnings drop. But what would someone born rich know about such troubles? What would they know about having to live on a strict budget? What would they know about not being able to leave the County they live in for vacation? What would they know about not being able to take a vacation? What would they know about having to wonder what happens if they miss a paycheck or two?

Nothing. Not a damn thing. Just like I can not possibly know what it is like to be a starving person in Africa (or anywhere else in the World) because I have plenty of food, people born into vast wealth and power can not possibly know what is like to not have such things. Why, EVERYONE has a vacation home - right??

Yet millions of working people buy the bullshit year after year. Nothing changes. Case and point, the current guy in office ran in 2000 as an outsider. A regular guy. Just like everyone else! Just a regular average guy! A regular everyday ordinary average guy - whose very first job was CEO of an oil company.

What was your very first job? Chances are it was NOT CEO of anything.

The rainbow leading to the shitter photo has nothing at all to do with this post.

Whoever gets the job next has their work cut out for them. They will be walking into a disaster. Massive debt. A devalued dollar. The war and what to do about it. An unstable economy. And so on.

Not an impossible situation, but a far worse situation than someone walked into in 2000. But there is hope. Everything runs in cycles after all.

IF people feel better about the future after the November election then the economy could recover. How people feel and think is an economic indicator often overlooked. It really is the key to the whole thing.

Requiem For A Toshiba

I have pretty much abandoned the Toshiba Laptop. It was good while it lasted, but whatever the hell is wrong with it is still wrong with it.

Ignoring the problem did not make it go away. This is my number 1 method to solve problems encountered with Microsoft products.

Method 2 is "live with it". Not possible. The darn thing is just too unstable at this point.

I tried a few virus scanners, with inconclusive results. I am not sure if I am having a hardware or software issue. I can not find any evidence to suggest on over the other. I THINK it is a hardware issue, but I am not 100% on that theory.

The only thing the old computer is used for is getting email. But I am working on changing that. I think I can get Thunderbird to run off a thumb drive. I have all my inboxes backed up.

I just need a few programs off the other machine. I think I can get what I need off the old laptop hard drive.

But anyway, I am using the emergency backup computer until I can put the wheat together to get a Mac. No more of this Microsoft bullshit. I want to use the Mac OS so that I do not collect the spyware and adware and shit that a Windows computer collects over time. To hell with that. Unless you pay for a dozen or so programs, your Windows computer runs slower and slower and slower and slower as SHIT installs itself without asking you. Of course the shit loads in active memory.

And does the "Windows installer" do anything about it? Hell no. It just allows ANYTHING to install to the registry. What a worthless thing that is.

If you try to install anything, you get a hundred pop up warnings and you have to keep clicking the yes button for each one of them. But if some shit wants to install itself, it just does. No warning windows open. Windows wants to fight you at every opportunity, but gets along great with viruses, spy ware, ad ware, and everything else you do not want.

So no more Microsoft products. If I can pirate some Microsoft programs (like Office) then GREAT! I am all over that. But I will not - I WILL NOT - ever pay for shitty products from Microsoft ever again. EVER.

The Invisible Hand of the free market needs to bitch slap Bill Gates and make him cry. Then it needs to attach the back of Bill's underwear to the rope running up the flag pole in front of Microsoft HQ and run his ass up there as if he were a flag. The super mega atomic flag pole wedgie. And even that may be too kind.

Who Needs Stores?

Really. Who needs stores?? We can just get everything we need from a series of vending machines! It works great for soda and snacks. And coffee. And in Japan and Europe you can get beer from vending machines on the street. Some medical pot place in California is even going to have a LEGAL pot vending machine! Now how about that? If I can but pot from a vending machine why cant I just buy everything from a vending machine?

Now I know what you are thinking. But Lazy, what if I want something like live bait!

WAY ahead of you here. I got your live bait needs covered.

This is a REAL vending machine. No playing with Photoshop here. I took this photo myself. This LIVE BAIT vending machine is at the Bass Pro Shops in Broward County. You can get worms, live minnows, or live shiners.

You can click the photo to view the full size image, but you should just be aware it is a 700k file. But the resolution is high enough that you can read the selections.

So how about that? A live bait vending machine! I would have never thought of this. Well I may have thought of this, but I would have written it off as a crazy idea. But here it is!

Of coouse there is a flaw here. I can only buy baits good for fresh water fishing. What I need is a vending machine where I can buy frozen baits (squid, shrimp, sardines, pre rigged ballyhoo, and pilchards or silver siders) and live shrimp. And chum blocks. And what the hell, gallon jugs of menhaden oil.

Next to that there needs to be a beer vending machine.

And next to that an ice vending machine.

That would rule.

Strapped

Well Friday was fun. I suppose.

You see, a while ago I got me a Winchester Model 94. as in 1894. The original 1894 rifles were designed by John Browning - who also made other legendary rifles such as the 1911 .45 pistol, the BAR (Browning Automatic Rifle).30 caliber and the M2 .50 caliber "Ma Duce" machine gun.

My Winchester is not an original. It was made much more recently.

The 1911, BAR, and M2 are still in production today, largely as they were designed by Browning way back then.

This is the Winchester Model 94. Back in 1894 it was the latest and greatest. One of the first multiple shot (repeating) rifles mass produced. And it used the then new smokeless powder, as opposed to black powder which makes a large cloud. Also smokeless powder could create higher pressures and therefore develop more power.

But today it is just a curiosity. A replica of a primitive rifle from a bygone era. It can not use high capacity magazines, and it can not rapid fire. The rifle I have can not even have a scope attached.

But it shoots well. The sights are a little off. It shoots to the right of the point of aim. No big deal, I can adjust the sights to correct that. I was shooting 170 grain loads - which are heavy for a 30-30. There may be heavier 30-30 bullets, I really do not know. The rifle is light and it kicks enough with the 170 grain bullets for me. Next time I take it out I will get some 150 grain loads for it. The recoil will be less, and I suspect the rifle will be more accurate. The Winchester lever action rifles like the 150 grain bullets better than the 170 grain bullets.

And while I was going all the way to to the range with the rifle, I figured why not bring the Smith 5903. I was only going to take 2 boxes (40 rounds) of 30-30 ammo, so I had to bring something else to make the trip all the way out to the range worth it.

The Smith and Wesson 5903 is just a 9mm pistol, which could be the most common pistol caliber out there. Originally used in the German made Luger, many armies considered the 9mm to be underpowered. Some people still do. But the 9mm has proved itself. It does not have a lot of recoil, and packs more than enough power to do what it does.

The 5903 has a polymer frame and a stainless steel barrel, slide, spring, and recoil spring guide. The frame weighs almost nothing, all the weight is in the slide and barrel. So the gun feels top heavy. No big deal though. You get used to that quickly.

The gun was intended to be marketed at law enforcement. It has some cool safety features that a cop might want. You can chamber a round, and then either carry it hammer back safety off so the first shot is single action (bad idea, I think that Smith recommends not to do this) or drop the hammer using the safety (gun will not fire this way but the hammer does drop) and then the first shot is double action. What this means is that you pull the trigger and the hammer moves back then drops. The trigger pull is longer than with a single action, and the trigger weight is greater too. MUCH safer to carry in double action / single action mode.

Also if you drop the magazine, the gun will not fire. So if you are a cop and end up fighting over your own gun, all you have to do is press the magazine release button then let go of the weapon and step back. The bad guy gets your gun, but he can not fire it unless he picks up the magazine. By that time you have your backup weapon.

The 5903 can also use a high capacity magazine. But you do not really need one of those. I have one but never use it. There is no point. If you can not hit the target with 10 bullets (plus one in the chamber if you are so inclined) you are not going to hit the target with 15 rounds.

The 9 also shoots well. But it does not like the cheap ass Russian ammo I was feeding it. With the cheap ass Russian ammo every shot required me to push the slide closed. Another range patron let me have 5 rounds he hand loaded using good brass and the gun functioned perfectly.

So no more cheap Russian crap ammo for the Smith. Which is a shame. The Russian stuff is cheaper and therefore more affordable than other ammo. Going to the range can be very expensive.

Also accuracy using the cheap Russian crap is not very good.

Hand loading is the way to go. This is the only way to tune loads to a gun. Bullet weight, powder type, and powder amount does make a difference. A big difference. Once I almost got reloading stuff. I used to go to the range more. But now I hardly ever go, so the expense of reloading equipment and supplies can not be justified.

The only reason I went Friday was because I already had the ammo. Otherwise the expense of buying ammo would not have been justifiable. I need that "economic stimulus" check like 2 weeks ago. But at the same time, I want to refuse the check and instead tell someone to cash my check in pennies, then stick each and every penny up their ass one at a time.

Netflix Bullshit

Alert readers may have noticed that I got new Netflix selections.

Well I did. And I already watched one of them. The Adventures Of Mark Twain. In claymation.

The movie was....interesting. It is rated G but is probably not for general audiences. Kids may like the claymation, but they would be bored or even scared by the content. It starts off with the jumping frog story, but then moves on to more heavy things. Like this.

Now it seems that The Mysterious Stranger was an unfinished work. I have not read it. So it was a strange thing to include in the movie.

But whatever. The Diary of Adam And Eve was more entertaining. That Twain was one warped individual. I have a feeling that if I were transported back in time we would get along well. My views are somewhat similar - or so it seems.

So anyway, the claymation thing is strange. On the surface, made for kids. But the subject matter is beyond the age group that one would think the movie would target. A very strange creation indeed.

In other news, Netflix finally got Conan The Barbarian on DVD. It seems that this movie was just never let out on DVD, or that Netflix never got it in their inventory - for whatever reason. Who the hell knows why. So I had it added to my "saved" list, and then it just arrived in the mail - after being on the "saved" list for a while. Song Of The South is still on the saved list, and will be there for a long time to come. Disney will just not release this movie. You can however get this movie on DVD if you go to Euro Disney.

Kids who ride Splash Mountain have no idea what that ride is all about. The characters are all from Song Of The South.

Classified Stuff

The war has heated back up. Can't really talk about what the war is about or how it is going - because I do not want to give away information to the insurgents. The whole process is getting old and stale and depressing. Some MEGA bullshit going on. A big pile of it. A mountain of it. A mountain so high, even if it were placed on the deepest part of the ocean it would break the surface and may even tower above the water at least as high as Everest. Only without a Yeti.

And now for a DRUG RANT! Today's drug - Avodart. You have seen the commercials for this one. Which brings up another unrelated rant. WHY THE HELL are prescription drugs advertised on TV? They market this shit like it is candy or something. So what, am I supposed to go to a doctor and demand Avodart? I guess so! A 30 second TV commercial makes me more of an expert than a doctor who spent years in medical school.

The commercials seem to be targeted at retards. Take Avodart for example. It is a drug for enlarged prostate. It shrinks that thing up like.....uhhhhhhh...a slug when you put salt on it? Doe they shrink or swell? I can't remember.

Anyway whatever happens to a slug when you put salt on it - the Avodart commercial includes the line "Avodart is for men only". Really? You mean a drug to treat enlarged prostate is for men only? REALLY!?!?! How about women with a prostate gland? Can they take it too? Seems sexist to me.

Are people out there that retarded? Are throngs of women going to the doctor and demanding a drug to treat enlarged prostate? I guess so. That or the morons in marketing thing that just because they do not know that women lack a prostate gland the rest of us peons who did not take any marketing classes (I did take a few) could not possibly know such advanced things.

Maybe there was a debate in the marketing department? It could have gone something like this!

Mel: we should say "Avodart is for men only"
Karen: Good idea! WAIT! Do women have a prostate?
Mel: I have no idea! But we should say "for men only" so chicks don't take the stuff. Their delicate constitution could not handle the power that is Avodart.
Karen: Uhh...now that I think about it I do not think women have a prostate. The doctor never said he had to check mine!
Mel: Of course women have that prostate thing! But we do not have a product for womens prostate gland enlargement yet! Those geeks with the lab coats are probably working on that now.
Karen: Well then if women have a prostate, then men must also have tits! Right?
Mel: Fat Fred over there eating all the donuts has man tits.
Fat Fred: HEY YOU BASTARDS! I am not fat, I am big boned! Next time order more donuts if you want any!
Mel: Lets just include the disclaimer anyway. Legal likes that kind of shit.

It must have been something like that. But who knows.

Computer Funkiness Part 2

I suspect the issue is in fact a hardware issue. This sucks, as if the latest theory is correct then the computer is no longer reliable and could totally fail at any time.

Just my luck I suppose.

I have to back up my email. And I have to back up my MP3 collection. There are a few programs I have to backup.

The rest......well I guess that can just go away. I already have plans for computer burial at sea. Out of sight, out of mind! And nobody will be able to find the laptop and get personal data off the hard drive (that may still work even after the video fails) if said hard drive is under 1,000 feet of water.

Or I could just be like a normal person and remove the hard drive then dispose of the computer in a more traditional manner. I think there is some place that recycles the things?

ALWAYS remove the old hard drive from any computer you get rid of. Unless of course you are selling the computer, in which case you should format the hard drive and reinstall the original recovery disk.

But enough about all this. I will just have to form a plan, implement the plan, and think about the possibility of replacement. I may have to bring an older desktop computer back into service till I can afford to get another laptop. That sucks. I am not really thrilled about going back to Windows 98 or whatever the old desktop has on it. If it still works. It has been off for years. I forgot why I quit using it and upgraded to the first Sony laptop all those years ago. 8 or 9 years ago in fact. Probably because it was having some problem too.

Great. Perfect timing for this shit to happen by the way. I need this unstable thing to keep working for a few more days.

Computer Funkiness

Well ain't this just peachy. The laptop computer is acting funky. I have no idea what the hell is going on.

So now, I have to decide if it is a software or hardware problem. It could be a hardware problem as the CD drive went south long ago. However it could be some software bullshit.

Here is what happens. The computer lags and strange colors appear on the monitor. The strange colors show up in the text, or as faint little bands here and there. Not so bad that I can not see the screen, but still - they should NOT be there.

Sometimes the screen will blink on and off, sometimes things get all blurry and shit, and sometimes the screen shuts off and this black and white blob thing shows up. But so far I have not lost anything, the computer recovers.

And of course I have no idea where the hell the recovery CD is. And even if I did know where the recovery CD is, how would I install it? The internal CD drive is not working well.

So it would seem that I should go to the store and buy me some dual layer blank DVDs ASAP. Then I can back up the important shit (email, MP3, porn, whatever else). After that if the computer self destructs it self destructs.

Shit happens.

Of course the sucky thing about this is that.....you have to replace the computer! And right now is a HORRIBLE time to replace a computer. See Microsoft is pushing their Vista product. The problem is that Vista does not work worth a shit. Spies have reported that it is very buggy and does not like to run lots of software that XP runs. So you have to buy all new "Vista versions" of stuff. So what does this mean? My copy of Office will probably not install in Vista.

Reasons like this make me understand the thinking process of Ted
Kaczynski. This guy had a problem with computers, technology, and industrialization in general. So he lived in some little shack out in the wilderness of Montana or something, and lived without computers, phones, GPS units, boats, or anything else. As a consequence he never EVER had to deal with ANY Microsoft product. He never lost any important data because a computer running Windows just took a shit at the worst time. He probably never had some asshole selling crap you do not want call him while he was eating either. And meanwhile, the rest of the world considers him "crazy". OH REALLY? Crazy huh?

OK so he did decide that the solution to the problem was mailing people bombs. That is crazy. But on the other hand, as I stated before, he NEVER had to fight with any Microsoft product or decide if he was having a hardware problem or a computer virus.

If you think about it, yes the man has a few screws loose. But you know what? SO DO WE! Yes all of us living in the modern world, crammed like sardines into shiny metal boxes zipping along in bumper to bumper traffic at insane speeds while doing 5 other things in addition to driving are insane too. In a different, non bomb mailing kind of way.

Really. What is more insane - living in a shack in Montana without stuff that make you want to smash things up with a pick axe, OR waking up at 5 AM, checking email, scalding yourself with coffee, rushing to get to the train station by 6 AM so you can use a shoe horn to cram yourself into a already packed train car, just to get to someplace you DO NOT want to be at 7 AM so you can spend at least 8 hours there dealing with people you do not like just so you can cram yourself back in the train and go home for a few hours then get up and do it all over again?

Sign me up for the shack!

And on cue, the computer did its thing again.

So anyway, if this is a hardware issue then here are my options.

1. Get a new PC that will come with Vista. Also buy a copy of Windows XP so I can "upgrade" to an older operating system that ACTUALLY WORKS! Microsoft, you suck. I hope that you go out of business and your stock is worthless and Bill Gates has to live under the Julia Tuttle Causeway in a cardboard box. Oh please let the cardboard box be made of old Windows boxes!

2. Buy a Mac. Solves the shitty operating system problem!! But Macs are more expensive. I can not touch a Mac laptop for less than a grand. A grand I do not have right now without extending debt slightly.

3. Buy a PC and attempt to install the Mac OS on it. Hope it works.

4. Buy a PC and just load Linux on it. Hope it works.

Crap. A no win situation. I hate those.

Maybe I should just rob the Apple Store? There is another option.

I want to chain Bill Gates and the Windows programmers to the Tree Of Woe, so that they may contemplate their shitty products and how much they piss me off. Vista SUCKS! It is not ready for the market! So why the hell release it? Why can't I get a new laptop with XP installed?

So yes, to the Tree Of Woe with everyone involved with this conspiracy. With extra buzzards to pick at your flesh.

I Am Number 1, International Press

Loyal readers already know that if you Google "uncle festers meth recipe" a link to my lazyiguana.org site comes up as number 1, and that if you search Google Images for "Bush bill of rights" I also come up as number 1.

But did you know that if you Google "hippies scabies" I come up as number 1 as well? I did not until yesterday. But now I know. Same for "mystery truck noise", "Kendall Toyota hell", and "Aquasino bullshit".

I wonder how many other ways I come up as number 1 on Google? Probably many ways. But I am too lazy to check.

And now....for the internet saga of Bird Road Rudy, AKA "King Bird Road".

What's that? You never heard of Bird Road Rudy? What rock are you living under? He is a legend in Westchester, the hood I happen to live in.

I live closer to Miller Drive, which is also called SW 56 ST. Bird Road is SW 40 St. Bird Road Rudy's parents lived down the street from where I lived, across SW 48st and closer to Bird Road - where is apparently where he got his gangster name from. He was a member of the Bird Road Boys.

Anyhow King Bird Road made a You Tube video and posted it. I know you have heard of this because it made INTERNATIONAL NEWS. Here is a link from Singapore, and here is a link from New Zealand. Not to mention the story was on all the national news networks, as well as many local news outlets. It was huge news in Miami, with all the local papers and TV stations picking it up.

And as it turns out, I know Bird Road Rudy. Way way back in the day, he went to the same Elementary school I went to. He is a few years younger, but as it would have it he was close to the same age as my younger brother - who was in the same class with Rudy and shit.

And because I rule....and I KNOW that many of my Miami readers want to see the You Tube video that started all this international attention - but do not know what to do because the video was removed from You Tube. But I have it. So here, a Lazy Iguana exclusive! When I say I have spies and operatives worldwide - I mean it.

And now for a little translation! 305 is the telephone area code for Miami. So is 786. But if you have a 786 number you suck. REAL Miami residents are all 305. Bird Road Rudy is the guy on the left with the white shirt. The other guy is Chuckles The Clown - AKA Tony Logan.

King Bird Road the gang leader was arrested the same day the local paper picked up the story. Logan was arrested the next day. Rudy is charges with "felon in possession of a firearm" and Chuckles The Clown is charged with "providing firearms to a known felon". Both are in federal custody. Rudy is looking at up to 15 years.

It seems he broke the major rule. HE TALKED TO THE POLICE when he was busted. He had to know that the heat was on when the paper picked up the story. The video was put up weeks before the paper picked it up, and the cops were not doing anything. But once the media picked it up - the cops HAD TO do something. So a multi agency force composed of local cops, gang unit cops, State cops, and federal cops (ICE and BATF) were rounded up and they did just what Rudy said to do. They went and got him.

Now this is where he probably screwed up. He admitted to having the guns, admitted that the guns were real, and that he had handled guns many times. Chuckles said similar things.

OOPS! With just the video as evidence, who knows if those were real guns? Not me. They look real, but then again so do plastic air soft guns. Just paint the orange plastic tip black. The video is of poor quality too.

But if he talked, he is done. I thought all people with a history of run ins with the police know that you do not talk to the po-po. Oh well.

But the saga gets better! Now a PIMP has been arrested in connection to the case. When Bird Road Rudy was arrested, cops found some computers with porn. WOW! Computers with porn! That never happens. But this was home made porn. And it involved minors. I do not know what kind of minors, as I do not exactly consider a 17 year old who has a fake ID and works as a stripper a "minor" - but the law is the law! And the police did find a 17 year old chick who said she was a ho and that Gonzalez was her pimp and all. So he is in jail now too.

It just keeps getting bigger and bigger. My little area of the world is now in the international press. Amazing. Simply amazing.

It is not like the Bird Road Boys were even a major street gang or anything. It was a small gang that apparently got its money from pimping strippers and making internet porn videos. International news?? Come on! It must be a REALLY SLOW news day worldwide.

And all this because of one video posted to You Tube.

Gloomy Sunday

The mystery noise returned. I had to go to Key Biscayne for something, and as I was rolling up on the location I was going slow and lowered the windows and......there was the noise.

AWW CRAP! You have to be kidding me here! It was not very loud but it was there. So now what the hell is up? I guess I have to just be on mystery noise alert. If I hear it head directly to the dealer so that I will have proof of said noise so they can fix it? I guess so. like I have nothing else better to do than be on mystery noise alert.

So I have a solution to the problem. I have an amp in the truck. So I can just turn UP the stereo till the mystery noise goes away. Or at least till I can not hear the noise anymore.

That will solve the problem! If the truck makes a mystery noise, and I can not hear it - does the noise exist? I say no, it does not.

In other news, it seems some manner of cold front has arrived. It is all gray and gloomy and stuff outside. I can hear the trees, so that must mean the wind is blowing. The front arrived one day late - which is good. The business at Key Biscayne would have been a lot slower otherwise. So everything works out. Sort of.

I got some plans for today, but I just do not know if I can get motivated to go do them. Maybe I will get motivated, maybe not. Who knows.

It is kind of gloomy outside. And I do not want to hear any mystery noises.

The Divine Comedy.

I know how Dante felt after his journey through the 9 circles of Hell. For I was there just the other day.

The truck needed service. I had these car care coupon things that provided me all the dealer recommended services at various intervals. But they ran out at 60,000 miles. So now that I am at 65,000 miles I can do my own oil changes and all. It saves money to do it yourself, and it is A LOT faster. Oil changes for the truck are easy as I do not even have to jack the thing up. It is already jacked up.

Of course, rotating the tires will be a major pain in my ass.

But I took the truck in anyway, because I have been hearing...A MYSTERY NOISE! It sounds like a scraping type noise from the front passenger wheel. It is not always there. Sometimes it is there and sometimes it is not there. And it is only there at slow speeds. At speeds above about 30 it goes away. It kind of fades out when it goes away - but when it is there at slow speeds it is fairly loud.

And it is not a constant scraping sound. It has a rhythm to it. Almost like the wheel is only rubbing at one point in each rotation. So at slow speeds the scrapes are further apart - and louder. As I speed up the scrapes come faster and faster and get quieter till finally there is no noise.

So I go in to the dealer to get this mystery noise figured out. Oh and I had thought that maybe I had an oil leak - but it was a very small one. And while it was there I said so the oil change / tire rotation thing (why not) and just for kicks flush the transmission and give me new fluid.

So they did the oil change and transmission flush. And they did find a very small leak at the valve cover gaskets. The gaskets were covered under the warranty (which I found out ENDS in March - which sucks). So no problems there.

But the mystery noise remains a mystery. The noise was not there when I drove to the dealer and it was not there for the mechanic's test drive. The wheels were pulled off to do the tire rotation thing and the brakes and wheels and shit were given an inspection. There were no signs of damage or uneven wear. Everything looked fine. The brake pads are fine, the rotors are fine, the calipers are not hanging up - everything looks as it should look.

So what the fuck?!?! Now I have to wait for the mystery noise and hope I am close to the dealer when it happens so I can swoop in and say "the noise is back! Fix that shit and I want a loaner car so I can finish whatever the hell it was I was doing!"??

And what if the mystery noise does not come back till AFTER March 8 when the warranty expires?

I hate mystery noises.

The dealer lobby is the Ninth Circle of Hell. The coffee machine is usually empty. The hot chick whose only job seems to be refilling the coffee dispenser and talking to people who work at the dealer is always slacking so the coffee dispenser is always running out. I managed only two cups. Is it that hard to keep coffee on?!?!? Apparently it is.

And the large screen TV is tuned into some horrible channel. I had to sit there and be exposed to those awful morning talk shows. How do women watch that shit? It was making my ears bleed.

So I had to keep getting up from the lobby, trying to get more coffee to drop a hint to the chick that she needed to GET OFF HER HOT ASS and either make me more coffee OR ELSE do something else to make me want to remain in that lobby to walk around.

The service took a very long time. First was the oil change / tire rotation / look for the mystery noise / not be able to find the noise / notice the gaskets for the valve covers were leaking a little / flush the transmission. And then there was the "explain to me what was done and how the noise was just not there but everything looks OK" and then the me saying "well then go on and replace the gaskets" and them saying "OK we need to get authorization from the warranty wizard" and then them actually doing the work.

At this point all I can think of is IF the gaskets are under warranty and are to be replaced at no charge to me - why the fuck do you need to ask me about it? Just do it. What am I going to say, no do not change the leaky gaskets for free - I would much rather wait for the warranty to expire so I can pay for it???

So I walk off to the nearby shopping centers. And I found a West Marine. I was in there looking at charts for the Everglades National Park area and stuff. Not to buy any, just to check depths and all. Happy that the water is deep enough for the boat to get in there I start to leave, and then I see something through the display window. I was outside and almost going to walk off without buying anything. But there they were, visible from the outside of the store through the window.
Crocs Hydro! Notice that there is no back strap thing. They fit more like regular shoes. They are less likely to slip off your feet. In fact, you can fix them so it is not likely they will slip off. They seem to have less padding than my other pair of Crocs, but they are still comfortable. I like them already. It almost feels like you are not wearing any shoes at all. Very nice.

So I got em. I took the last pair if size 12 in the store. And they were on sale.

Then I found a place where I could get a beer and some food. So I stopped by there. And then I walk back to Hell and the truck was done.

EXCEPT FOR THE MYSTERY NOISE - which may or may not still be there. I do not hear it all the time so all I can do is wait for it.

I was there for 5 hours. And all I got were two cups of coffee.

In Hell.

Quick update! This is a post from hell. Really. Not like a post from hell as in a massive post but more like FROM HEL! As in the physical place.

My Miami readers will know of my hell, aka Kendall Toyota.

I went here because the truck needs new oil. I could do it myself but I am also having the transmission fluid changed. And then there is the mysery truck tire noise.

Some HORRIBLE show is on the TV, and the free coffee sucks. But it is free so I will drink it.

Now on to the real post for today, which is below this post.

Vote Time!

ATTENTION! MORE FOAMY AT THE END OF THIS POST! So if my Florida / local election rant is too boring skip to the end for some more Foamy!!! Today Foamy talks about driving in Miami.

Yes it is that time again. Almost. See in years past, Florida had its primary sometime in October. Well not that late but it might as well have been. It was weeks after Super Tuesday. So late in primary season that by the time Florida got around to voting it did not matter because everyone except one person had already dropped out of the race for both parties.

So voters could vote in a primary - but the results did not matter. For example, in 2000 there were only two guys really running after Super Tuesday - Al Gore and Bill Bradley. Bill dropped out BEFORE the Florida primary. So what the crap was the point in going to the polls? There was none. It was a big waste o time. Of course I went anyway and voted for Bill just because I figured "throw the guy a bone". Not like it mattered anyway. Because it did not. Oh yea - I was also not entirely happy with the prospect of Al Gore running on the Democrat side.

Face it, the guy is as stiff as a wooden cigar store Indian. Granted, on the Republican side only W was still in the race - which totally confused the hell out of me. The Republicans could have ran with a candidate that could SPEAK PROPERLY. But that is all ancient history.

The point is, nobody living in Florida in EITHER PARTY had any say whatsoever in who ran. But people in horse ball three electoral vote States get tons of attention. Nobody even thinks about Florida until the actual Presidential election and then we are important and three vote States are...well three vote States. Florida is worth as much as 7 New Hampshires and 9 Vermonts in November.

But Florida changed its primary date for this year. Now I get to vote on January 29 - BEFORE Super Tuesday. Of course the Democrat party has some sort of major issue with this, so my vote still does not count. Officially anyway. Like Michigan there are NO DELEGATES this year for Florida. So no matter who wins, they will not get any delegates. Therefore, nobody is officially campaigning in Florida.

So even though the date is earlier, my vote still does not amount to a fart in a tornado. In theory. A big winner in Florida (a Southern State with A LOT of electoral votes) may give someone "momentum" and give some asshole on TV something to talk about for a day or two.

UNLIKE Michigan I can not vote "uncommitted". Everyone is in the ballot.

But still, there is one good thing about this. I really think the primaries are pretty much a waste, but for YEARS sneaky bastards have been sticking shit in the primary ballots so that nobody shows up to vote and therefore things get passed. Lots of terrible State and Local crap has been passed this way. Well now MAYBE there will be a larger turnout and this crap will stop happening.

So how will I vote? That is the topic for today. The rest was just background info.

For the presidential primaries I plan to skip the vote. Not vote for anyone. A famous Florida UNDER VOTE! Remember those? But if I do vote for someone Ill pick......uhhhh....someone NOT Hillary or Obama. Maybe I will pick Edwards. Or one of the other guys who has not won anything yet. Spread the wealth so to speak. Why does Obama and Clinton have to be the big winners all the time? There are 50 States - can't Dodd win at least one??? GIVE THE MAN A BREAK! Or how about Gravel or Richardson or Kuchinich or Biden? Can't any of them win a State with ZERO delegates? I say why not. Like it matters anyway.

But there are local issues! I am really showing up to vote for the local issues. And there are some big ones!

Proposed Constitutional Amendment 1 - the "property tax" thing. The wording is all confusing and legal like - but basically it will amount in lower property taxes. How much lower? I really do not know. Really - I don't. but I suspect that the average property will see only a slight decrease in taxes while the $22 million estates on the Coral Gables Waterway and Fisher Island (Fisher Island in Miami is the richest zip code in the USA by the way) get much larger breaks. But that is just my theory, I have no idea if it is true. And allegedly, the portion of property tax that supports the schools will NOT be touched. Allegedly.

But the cuts will amount to A LOT of scratch. Billions. Out of the State budget. So....how will the State fund shit? Like the State Police for example - where will the money for Troopers come from? Magic? And how about State roads? Who will maintain them? The reality is that Florida needs money. So if the budget is cut that much that quickly, what happens? Sales tax increase? More toll roads? 911 operators asking for a credit card number before police or fire rescue is sent to your home? How will Miami-Dade County pay off all the bonds voters approved a few years ago AND maintain the same services currently offered?

So I feel I must vote NO on 1. I am not at all opposed to tax cuts, I just think this tax cut is a bad deal. Any tax cut should target the average home value (adjusted per County because some Counties like Miami-Dade have higher property values than Hendry County). Average value homes are owned by average income people. As for the people who can afford to live on Fisher Island? Fuck them. They can afford to pay their taxes. Hell the property taxes they pay amount to LESS MONEY than the fuel for their 150 foot yacht to operate for one day.

So NO on 1. Got that? No. I think this measure will pass because people think taxes will go down, I just think that people are being misled about how much their taxes will actually go down. The biggest cuts will go to those with the most expensive homes. Regular folks will get pennies on the dollar. Business as usual. but if more than 40% vote no then the measure fails - so there is some hope.

County Question 1: Miami-Dade Home Rule Charter Amendment Relating to the Qualifying Dates for Certain County Elected Offices

NO on this one too. I suspect some funny business here. The wording reads: Shall the Charter be amended to move the candidate qualifying period for certain Miami-Dade County elected offices three weeks earlier, in accordance with State law?

Get that? "In accordance with State law". They had to put that line in there. But what does it really mean? Someone trying to run for certain County elected positions will have THREE FEWER WEEKS to qualify. And who will instantly qualify? Incumbents. So someone else trying to run as a "man on the street" grass roots kind of candidate will have less of a chance of actually getting on the ballot.

SO NO ON THIS!! Forget that!

County Question 2:Home Rule Charter Amendment Changing Property Appraiser from an Appointed to an Elected Office

Why the hell not? Why should the Mayor appoint this person? It would (in theory) make the property appraiser independent from the Mayor's Office. Now this has good and bad points. The bad is that some ass who does not know what the hell they are doing but can schmooze people can run for the office and win. I could run and be the next property appraiser! But does that mean I should be the appraiser? Hell no. The good is that it lessens the chance the Mayor can just appoint some crony.

So I am leaning to vote YES here. But I have to think about it some more. I may vote no. I have to weigh the good VS the bad.

County Question 3: Slot Machines Limited to Existing Horse and Dog Tracks and Jai Alai Frontons

OH HELL YES! Yes yes yes! I am fed up with the anti-casino assholes. They claim that casinos will "ruin the family friendly atmosphere of Florida". YEA RIGHT! News flash - Miami is NOT family friendly. Want family friendly? Go somewhere else. Really. South Beach is all about night clubs and rave parties and drinking and guys wearing popped collars (see yesterday's post). Really family friendly stuff! Everyone says "I want to take my 6 year old kid to experience a rave party"! Oh wait - they don't? Never mind.

The anti-casino groups are usually affiliated with Churches. At least in the past they have been. Now why is this bullshit? Because these groups TAKE MONEY FROM CASINOS to campaign against casinos! Yes it is true. See the local Indian tribes have casinos with crappy bullshit slots. And there are gambling boats that leave from Miami several times a day for short trips three miles out. Here is a photo of one, the Aquasino.
Now, here is where it gets fun. The actual casinos know that nobody will buy their bullshit if the ads say "paid for by Aquasino" or "paid for by the local Indian casino" - so they find PATSIES to shill for them. Historically they have just given money to church groups, who then make the ads under names like "Floridians United Against Satan" or "Floridians For Families" or some shit. And when the media checks to see who the groups are, they find...a church! So it must be legit!

Yea....right. IF casinos are so evil, why the hell are you taking their money? Huh? But they take the money. And by doing so, they protect the gambling boats. Because if people could just go to a land based casino then F the boat and the $40 boarding fee they charge.

So enough already. Let the land based para-mutuals have their slots. Why not. At least they will pay taxes. The Indian casinos don't (we did steal their land so I guess that is fair) and the boat casinos do not pay the same taxes the land based places would pay. So why not? What is the harm? Hell I say let the places have table games too.

We want to cut taxes, so we need new sources of revenue! Might as well be casinos. You do not have to gamble, but you do have to pay property taxes! It will be a voluntary tax. Will some people have gambling problems? Yes. Most likely. But you know what? I can lose my ass on an internet casino right now - so what is the difference?

So there we go! To recap here is my voting plan

1. I do not give a crap. Just pick one at random who is not a "front runner". Not Hillary. Someone else. Obama or Edwards. Or one of the other guys.

2. NO! Sorry I am all for tax cuts but I do not trust this one. Reject it and send it back to Tallahassee and let the State law makers some up with another proposal.

3. NO on County issue 1. Three less weeks for someone to "qualify" to run for County office protects the incumbents - and that is not really a good thing. Let em feel the heat a little. They need that.

4. Yes! Or no! I have not figured that out yet. I am leaning towards yes and I am 75% sure that is how I will vote. But you know what? I sort of like this mayor - even if he is a Republican. The one thing he did that I do not approve of is spending tax money on a sandbox for the Florida Marlins to play games in. The team owner is very rich and the players are not poor - so let them build their own sand box. Why do they need my help? And what makes them think I WANT any of my money to go to that mess? But I digress - the mayor has so far not been such a bad guy. Even if I did vote for the other guy.

5. Yes on the casinos. Land bases places where people are already going to gamble will be easier to tax than the other places. I hope this measure passes.

And now....FOAMY! It seems Foamy has visited Miami-Dade County and rented a car.

Foamy's solution is pure genius. Why did I not think of this simple solution? I feel stupid.

Tech Support, Outsourcing. Collars.

On Avery's blog she had a post about tech support. So that got me to thinking. What if a foul mouthed squirrel had a problem with a Smell brand computer using a Wind-ows operating system and called tech support? I bet it would go something like this.

Foamy is great. This is actually only part 1 of 4. If there is enough popular demand then I will post the other 3 in the series.

And alert commenter Holly mentioned something about a Wal-Mart employee stuck in some lost decade, with no clue about how to wear a shirt. So I found this.

Indeed. Stop being a fag and fix your collar. I find myself thinking this at least once every.....well once every never. I have never noticed the fashion tendencies of other dudes. Now other people have. I sometimes get crap from people about my Crocs because they "look gay" and a real man would "never be seen in them".

Really now? And what makes YOU such an expert in gay shoes? Do you subscribe to Gay Shoes Weekly or something? I know how important it may be for you to keep track on all the latest gay trends and all. It would just be horrible if you arrived at the all dudes party wearing last weeks shoes!

So thank you for noticing my shoes. I am glad you are looking at my feet and not my ass. But hey whatever turns you on!

Seriously, men who notice what other men are wearing and then accuse other people of wearing "gay things" need to seriously explore their own sexuality. And leave the rest of humanity alone.

I would not notice some dude wearing an elf costume walking down the street in July. Well I will take that back. I probably would notice. But that is because really crazy people scare me. ANYONE wearing an elf costume in July in South Florida has to have some screws loose. MAJOR screws loose. I would notice the person for my own personal safety, so I could give them a very wide berth. NO EYE CONTACT!!! Just pretend that I want to cross the street here....walk on by....then go back to the side of the street I wanted to be on in the first place. THERE! Problem solved!

And yes, I happen to own a pink dress shirt. It looks sharp with my black suit, back when I used to have to wear a suit to work. You know you have it made when you wear a suit to work. Like you are going to do real work. Hardly. I define real work as force times distance. So pushing something heavy a long distance is work. Ever see a guy in a suit pushing heavy objects any distance? Me either. Now roofing - that is real work! Shoveling elephant shit is real work. Carrying large amounts of stuff around a construction site is real work.

And not once have I ever seen a guy in a suit doing any of those things.

But anyway, back to my pink shirt. If you are a dude and you notice it and you feel like making a comment about it.....well I hate to tell you this but you may need to fix your collar.

Mac Rant

Today I get some email from Apple. I do not know why. I have never owned an Apple product. Not even an I-Pod. I bought a cheap Chinese MP3 player that looks like a USB thumb drive and works just as well as the I-Pod but cost a shit load less AND uses a single AAA battery AND is also a thumb drive. So in many ways it is BETTER than the I-Pod.

Anyway, some new fancy laptop is going to be released. It is super thin, but has no drive. They want $3,098 for the thing! THREE GRAND!!! And what do you get? 1.8 GHZ dual core Intel processor, 2 gigs ram, 64 gig solid state hard drive (no moving parts), a 13 inch display, and 802.11n Wi-Fi and Bluetooth 2.1.

THREE GRAND!?!?! Are you people at Apple smoking crack?! Yea the solid state no moving parts hard drive is cool. But for THREE GRAND you are asking too much. I get an underpowered processor (not even a quad core here!), not enough ram (PC laptops are going out with twice that amount for 1/3 the price) and only 64 gigs HD.

Now I asked a Mac sales hole about why on Earth Macs cost so much. I mean, they use INTEL parts at this point. So why can I get a PC with the same specs as a Mac for half (or less) the price?

The sales hole had no good answer. All he could do was talk about bullshit. But the video card! Oh, you mean the same video card that this Toshiba laptop has? Oh and the Toshiba has more memory and a larger hard drive - for $500 less!

Uh....uh.......uh........

So I get to thinking. IF Macs use Intel hardware now, why not just install the Mac OS on a PC? Can it be done? Well as it turns out it can be done. The processor is made by Intel - same crap as in a PC. I just checked and the Mac Book Pro uses an NVida graphics card - same crap as you get in a PC. So what is the deal here? I just get a PC laptop with an Intel dual core processor, the same NVida video card, and then install OS X on it. Right?

Really, you Apple people are on crack. Yes your OS is really cool - much better than anything Microsoft is producing. But your OS is not worth the extra grand or so your laptops cost.

And the hardware - shit you are trying to sell me a 1.8 ghz dual core processor with one gig of ram and a small hard drive for $2,000??! Really?!?! Do you realize that for that kind of cheese I can get a quad core processor, more ram, and more hard drive with a PC? I hope you do.

Another example of how Apple comes up with great ideas then drops the ball is the I-Phone. Yea it is slick. Yes it has a great mobile web browser - in fact it has THE BEST mobile browser. But you know what it lacks? The 3G network. Why the hell do you make this new "revolutionary" phone but make it so it uses the OLDER SLOWER data network? Any good reason? And why do you not make the phone so I can use it as a laptop modem? Why not make it so it uses full bluetooth 2.0 capabilities? WHY?!?!?! And you still want to charge a lot for it. And idiots still buy it.

I guess marketing DOES work.

Hey Apple - make your computers competitive to the cost of a new PC and you will make a huge inroad to greater market share. Really. You would. You can charge a little more - but double the cost is insane.

Holy shit WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT to do something as simple as getting a computer? Either overpay for old hardware to get a OS that works, or run Windows and have a computer that ships with viruses pre-installed in the operating system.

And yes, Windows does come with viruses pre-installed. What the hell else would YOU call software that loads itself into active memory that you can not uninstall? Well I would call that "a virus". Or at best "spy ware" or "as ware". Windows LOVES to put shit in there you can not uninstall. NO I DO NOT WANT AOL!!! You assholes! I do not want it! So get it the hell OFF my computer!!! NO I DO NOT WANT TO CONNECT TO THE MICROSOFT NETWORK! To hell with the Microsoft Network. I do not want to connect to it - EVER. So get it off my computer!

But Windows is watching out for me. They will not let me uninstall those things, because I might need them in the future.

Likewise I do not want all those "trial" versions of shit. Either ship my computer with FULL VERSIONS or none at all. I do not want trial versions. Because I just have to uninstall them. If I can.

So what I want to do is get a PC, and install the Mac OS on it. This would be ideal.

Beer Breakdown

Well I broke down. I could resist myself. The Polish Beer in the fridge was beckoning me. It was all like "drink me.......drink me......". So I did.

I opened something called "Lomza". I think. The "L" looks kind of like a lower case t. In fact the letter is NEITHER a L or a T, it is some other letter that is part of the Polish Alphabet.

From Wikipedia:

Łomża is a town in north-eastern Poland, approximately 90 miles (150 km) from Warsaw and 50 miles (81 km) from Białystok. It is situated alongside the river Narew and has been in the Podlachian Voivodeship since 1999; previously, it was the capital of the Lomza Voivodeship (1975-1998). It is the capital of Łomża County.

As best I can taste, this beer is some sort of lager. It has a pleasant golden color, and is very well balanced. I do not know if it is "malty" or "hoppy". 6% ABV (alcohol by volume) means it has some kick, but not too much. Good stuff.

In other news, Netflix rules even more than it used to. With my account I now get.....UNLIMITED ONLINE MOVIE WATCHING ACCESS! That is right! Unlimited. I used to get 1 hour of online watching time for each buck spent per month. Well now that is UNLIMITED.

I may never get any sleep again.

The GPS gets shipped off for repairs or whatever today. My plan is to insure it for $400 and HOPE UPS destroys the GPS in transit. Loss of the GPS would also be acceptable. Then I can get my insurance money and just buy a newer unit. Heck maybe I can insure it for $5 ,000 and then get an even better GPS and a cool as all hell Humminbird side scan sonar thing with built in GPS and a full color digital traditional sonar. That would rule.

SO.....how about you do your thing UPS? Make the package vanish. See to it that it is never seen again. Ill even leave a fresh crisp un-marked $100 bill in the box for the driver as my way of saying "thanks for dumping this box in the trash burner where it will never be seen again".

I know that if they try hard enough, UPS can totally trash the GPS.

And in other news.......looky here what I found on Craigslist! No, not the boat. THE TOP! Some guy makes these tops for $600. Really good deal here. The tops come with 6 rod holders (which would give my boat a grand total of 18 rod holders, or .95 rods per foot of boat length), two outrigger mounts, four antenna mounts, and 4 light mounts. That is an ass load of mounts. Now why get the T-Top when I already have a Bimini top? Good question. There are many reasons why I would want the T-Top over a Bimini top. For one, I can get an electronics box and mount that in the T-Top, giving me more dry storage for stuff. I could also get a T-Bag which holds life jackets for quick access. The rod holders mean that ONLY the rods I am actually using are in the active holders. The rest are in the T-Top holders or the in the side of the boat rod holders.

The Bimini top may provide more shade. But there are also support poles that attach to the gunwales of the boat. So if you are fishing and need to walk around the boat while fighting a fish these supports get in your way.

But I already have a plan to work around this. Simply make it so that I can put the Bimini top up forward of the T-Top. So if I am just going out to goof off or something, I can have both tops and provide shade for most of (if not all of) the boat. Or I can remove the Bimini top and leave it at home if there is to be a fishing mission.

Or I can sell the Bimini top. It is in excellent shape and I could get at least $200 for it. So that would make the new top cost only $400. Much better than $600!

I plan to check out the seller's handy work some time this week. If I like what I see and the welds are good and the materials are of acceptable quality - then I may just get the top installed.

3 AM rant

So as you may recall (and you probably do not) I mentioned something about my resolution for the new year being "to have at least one beer each month that I have never had before". I do not think I ever posted this here, I posted this as a comment somewhere else.

Karlovacko is a beer from Croatia. 5.4% alcohol by volume, with a light golden color. I would classify this as a Pilsner style beer, which are popular in that region of the world. Very drinkable, with a light flavor. But not like domestic "lite" beer. It would make a very good summer beer, perfect for a hot day. On a hot day you do not really want a thick heavy beer. At least I don't. I want something crisp and refreshing and with a lower alcohol content.

I have three more beers from Eastern Europe. Actually from Poland. They are 500 ml bottles (16.9 fluid ounces). I like 500 ml bottles. And the Polish beers are not playing games, at at least 7% ABV each.

And now for yet another CNN rant! Well not really so much CNN but other groups featured on CNN. Namely some Anti-Hillary group. They were shown watching footage of Hillary on some dippy TV show, looking for anything they could use. So they focused on....a laugh! Yes a laugh. They compared to to the Howard Dean Scream, pronouncing the laugh (they called it a cackle) was "not presidential".

NOT PRESIDENTIAL?!?!? Really now. Lets stop to think about this for a second. Here are a bunch of right wingers claiming that a "cackle" is not presidential.

Hey right wingers - kind of late to worry about people acting "un-presidential" don't you think? I mean look at the stuttering bumbling idiot in place now. That is some grade A presidential material there! Why he is the best speaker in the last 100 years! He has an excellent command of the English language. He even said himself "I am the commander guy".

Really now - you people (Bush voters) lowered the bar. You have to realize this is true. Experience? Not an issue anymore! Ability to speak English? Not an issue anymore! Did you all think about this when you wanted him to run in 2000? Did you think about this in 2004? At least in 2000 there was a real primary on the Republican side. You all had many people to choose from, and which horse did you back?

The one with no real experience in anything. The one whose major claim to fame was a string of failed businesses, and signing a bunch of death warrants for people more retarded than he was. The one whose speaking skills are not as good as many people I know who floated to Miami in the 1980s during the Mariel Boat Lift - people who landed on US Soil unable to speak any English. Now how can this be "Presidential"? When someone who floats here on a boat can speak BETTER ENGLISH than you can when you were born in the USA and supposedly attended the best schools in America, and the person who floated here landed unable to speak a word of English and had to attend public schools - what the fuck is your excuse? Well what is it? Are you just stupid, or was it more of a case where you were born rich and knew that you would always be rich no matter what you did so you just never tried to learn anything?

What a crock of shit this all is. NOW, after it is too late, all these things are suddenly supposed to be an issue. I have news for you guys. It may be an issue to those on the left, but people on the right need to just shut up and NEVER EVER mention "qualifications" or "presidential" for the next 20 years. You ran with your horse, now live with the consequences.

Another rant will be focused on the Golden Globe Awards. WHO GIVES A SHIT?!?!?!?! Why is an awards show a "major media event"?!? DO NOT BUY THE STUPID MAGAZINES! Who gives a crap?! If you like a movie or TV show is that not enough? Why the hell do you have to care about awards? YOU are NOT winning anything. Got that? Nothing.

This year there was no big ceremony, thanks to the writers strike. The writers strike did something very positive for this nation. No stupid red carpet, with people walking on it. This year it was just a press conference. And that is all it should ever be.

Celebrities do not give a shit if YOU win an award - so why the hell do you give a shit when they win something? No, they do not. Not in the slightest. Not even a little bit.

All the people that flock to these shows and stand outside to yell and scream when they see someone "important" walk down the carpet need to be sterilized so they can not reproduce.

The gene pool is in serious need of chlorine. At this point it may even require a shock treatment, or even a complete draining, pressure cleaning, and then refilled.

Memory (something that begins with the letter "M" and means "power" or "relapse" or "the opposite of I forgot")

So I remembered the great post idea I had. And as it turns out, it is not so great. It is a joke for Emma based on a comment I left of her blog.

Jesus and Satan are hanging out (they seem to do this more often than one would think). Anyhow as usual Satan gets drunk and starts running his mouth that he is the bigger computer geek. So Jesus says "no, I am the computer expert". So Satan decides to have the ultimate computer nerd contest. Jesus agrees.

So God says "let there be a pile of computer parts and assorted software", and so there was. Jesus and Satan go right at it building their computers, installing Windows, installing the software, then completing various tasks using the software. They had to make a fully functional database, a spreadsheet, create a document, make wacky photoshop pictures, remove AOL from the computer. and various other things.

About 3 hours into the contest, Jesus and Satan were neck and neck. It was going to be a photo finish.

And then the power went off. Both computers go blank. Satan lets loose with a demonic hoard of foul language. He used words so foul that they should never be uttered by humans. Jesus on the other hand just sat there, turning the other cheek.

When the power came back on. Satan furiously went at it, determined to win. He was going to do all the tasks again - faster.

Jesus pops in his CD-Rom backup, restores his work, and promptly hits the "finish" button. For Jesus saves.
Yea yea I know. Lame joke. But YOU try to make a joke where the punchline is "Jesus saves". Well go on! It is harder than one thinks it is. You are kind of limited in where the joke can go. I went the computer route. But I could have gone with a sports angle
Or a money / discount store angle. I saw the most potential in the computer route. Still not so good. Not my A list material here.

OK so time for some random observations. Why is it that when I am watching Cops or some other cop theme show, whenever I see a white guy sporting a mullet I know someone is going to jail? And why would anyone wear a mullet? Might as well have a shirt that says "I have felony warrants" or "I am probably drunk" or "I just beat my wife / girlfriend".

This reminds me of another story. When I was in high school, I heard about some guy who had an old crappy car. To be cool he painted a big A with a circle around it on the hood. Anarchy! Yea dude! Anarchy is cool! So here is this guy, probably sporting a mullet (and therefore BEGGING to be arrested) driving an old crappy car with an anarchy symbol painted on it. And to his surprise, the dude gets pulled over. So he asks the cop "why did you pull me over".

OK lets stop right there. Old car. White guy with a mullet. Anarchy symbol on the old car. 2 AM. What the hell do you think is going to happen here?

So the cop takes the license and registration and stuff and walks off, not saying much. Then the cop returns with the ticket. And he says to the kid "you know why I pulled you over? Well see that A on the hood of your car? Know what it stands for? It stands for "asshole". Here is your ticket for a tail light out".

Or something like that. I do not know if the story is true or not. I do not remember anyone driving an old crappy car with an anarchy symbol painted on it. So it could be an urban legend, or it could have been another school. Whatever.

But I DO know one really funny TRUE story from the days. And yes, it involves a mullet. There was this dude who kind of looked like a chick. Dude was short (like a chick) and insisted on sporting the mullet (sort of looked like a chick's haircut) and to make matters worse he sort of had the figure of a chick. We will just call the dude "Mit" to protect the innocent.

Anyway, someone in the motley group of people I knew planted some pot in the backyard. Not me - this was someone who lived at the end of a canal connected to a lake. Anyway, growing pot is not rocket science. You plant it and it grows. It is called "weed" for a reason.

So "Mit" goes over to the house on the canal and insists that he and he alone should be the keeper on the pot plant. At this point the plant is not that large, it is maybe 4 - 6 inches tall. But it is big enough that you KNOW what it is. The leaf is very distinctive.

Now Mit does not have a car. No big deal, lots of people do not have a car. But he decided that he should WALK HOME with the pot plant. I would say the distance from house A to house B is two or three miles. Maybe 4. And the route Mit decided to walk would take him right past a jr. high school - at the time the school lets out.

Now this is also not a big deal. Just get a paper bag, put the plant in it, and walk down the street. Nobody would look twice.

But no - this "Mit" person decides to parade past the school, while it is letting out, carrying a marijuana plant like it is the Ark Of The Covenant or something.

Now someone else from the high school that Mit and myself and everyone else we knew at the time was hanging out by the same jr. high school talking to the school cop. The same school cop would hang out at the high school which let out at 2:30 PM and then move down the street to the jr high school at 3:40.

The cop sees Mit walking down the street past the school at 3:45 just as the school is letting out for the day and TONS of people are all around.

At this point the story goes that the cop asked the person he was talking to "is that kid carrying what I think he is carrying?", and the reply was "yea man that's pot. What a fucking idiot".

So the cop walks across the street to ask Mit what that thing is. Mit says "it is a palm tree". PALM TREE?!?!

Anyhow Mit got arrested that day. The witness of course spread the story around the school. All he knew was "that guy who looks like a chick got arrested while walking past (jr high school X) while carrying a pot plant". Now there being only one dude in the school who looked like a chick, EVERYONE knew who it was. Even people who did not know the guy's name at least knew "that guy who looks like a chick". Kind of like how everyone knows who "that fat kid" is.

Of course, this being funny the story spread through the school like wildfire. People would see Mit and say "hey that is the dude that looks like a chick who was arrested carrying a pot plant past school X! What a dumb ass!".

I was actually one of the last in the school to find out, because in my opinion only LOSERS showed up at school at 6 AM. School did not start till 7:30 AM - a VERY UNHOLY HOUR to start anything. I was never a morning person. So I would attempt to show up at 7:25 AM. Very often I was late to first period. And I would flat out tell teachers that mornings suck, I was going to be late from time to time, and that was it. Deal with it. And YES I am a little grumpy - it is 7:30 in the morning and I am awake and wearing pants. What more do you want?!?!

So I am one of the last to find out. One of my other friends told me. I did not believe it at first, but then I heard it from others. And I heard it from people I did not even know. At that point I decide that maybe it is true.

Mit blamed ME for spreading the story. Pretty neat trick there, spreading a story I did not even know. I must be David Fucking Copperfield or something.

But really - did Mit expect the story to remain a secret? Hell no. That was not going to happen. Too many people saw it happen.

Just more bullshit I had to deal with, on top of all the other bullshit one is subjected to in high school, at 7:30 in the morning no less.

The Death Of New Ideas

I had a great post idea last night, but I forgot what it was. Really. I think it was good too. But you know what? Maybe the idea sucked so that is why I forgot it. Or maybe I will just think up something else.

But I am not the only one out of ideas. I just say a commercial for a "new" movie. Rambo. Are they fucking kidding me? How much do script writers get? How much do movie studio "idea people" get? And the best they can do is revive some old OLD tired movie from the 80s? With the SAME GUY? And the same "I can barely articulate myself" actor? Stallone has to be 80 at this point. How much longer do we have to be subjected to this crap? There were two or three Rambo movies in the 80s. That is MORE than enough.

Rambo - this time he wants his Social Security!
Rambo 2 - Hip Replacement.
Rambo 3 - The "meatloaf day" revolt.

Are they kidding? Are there no new movie ideas? HEY STUDIO GUYS! I have a great idea for you. You can have this one for free, the next 500 will cost you.

OK here is the idea! The Russian TERRORIST army invades America. They air drop troops in some small Midwest town and take it over. But a handful of teens escape to the woods, with guns and food and stuff. They call themselves the "Wolverines" because that is the mascot for their high school or some shit. You can call the movie "Red Dawn".

I also have an idea where some kid steals a USAF fighter jet and flies deep into Libya Iraq to rescue his father who is a fighter pilot that was shot down and captured. You can call that movie "Iron Eagle". Or better yet you can call it "High tech composite polymer Night Hawk" and the kid can steal a F-117 stealth fighter, or "Carbon Fiber Raptor" and the kid can steal a F-22. The possibilities are endless here!

Both these ideas are brand new fresh never before used ideas! So pay me already. I have tons more.

The really sad part is that it is likely that the movie will make money. And for what? An ANCIENT recycled idea warmed over? People will make millions. And the Nation will become just a little more retarded.

But all is not lost. It seems that the most obvious cause of the broken anchor windlass was overlooked. I tend to do this. Out on the water I went right to the switch and breaker panel and windlass itself. But do I check the fuse panel? Hell no. So today I look in the center console and notice the fuse panel and there is a 25 amp blown fuse.

Huh! That should not be blown! I wonder what is up with that? So I get another fuse, pop it in, and the thing work again. Now this is great news.

I had a low key birthday thing. And the gift of.....BOOZE! Yes the gift that just keeps giving. I got four beers from Eastern Europe and a bottle of wine from Spain. Nice. So that resolution to "have at least one beer per month I have never had before" is off to a good start. I have 4 months of beer in the fridge now. Of course it will not last 4 months.

What I Learned This Week,

Standard method used to catch Kingfish:

1. Make a kingfish rig, which is just three hooks attached together. Do this by opening up the hook eye just a little, putting tghe barb of another hook through it, then closing the eye back up. Like this. Use 5/0 size hooks.
2. Attach the rig to a leader - wire or mono, your choice. I usually go with wire as my reels are spooled with mono line anyway.

3. Put a somewhat heavy sinker on the line. Say 2 ounces. Do not tie the sinker to the line, just thread the line through the sinker so it can slide up and down the line.

4. Attach the three hook rig to the end of the line. I am a big fan of the clench knot because it is easy to tie and fairly strong.

5, Now for the fun part. Find a boat and head out to the offshore fishing grounds. About three miles off Key Biscayne is a good place to try. You want to be in water 120 - 130 feet deep. No deeper than 140 feet. Turn off the engine after you set your drift.

6. Rig a sardine to your triple hook setup. Each hook should be in the bait.

7. Drop the bait to the bottom. When the sinker hits the bottom, close the reel and give it 5 or so cranks so that your bait is just off the bottom.

8. Watch the depth sounder. If you drift into shallower water, remember to give some more cranks to the reel to keep your bait just off the bottom. If you drift into water shallower than 80 feet or deeper than 140 feet move the boat and reset your drift.

9. Catch a fish. In theory. In reality this may or may not happen. It is hard to predict. Sometimes you catch the fish, and sometimes you just go out and not catch anything and your GPS and anchor windlass breaks and you say a few bad words but then you figure out how to get the anchor line free of the windlass so you do not have to cut the line and lose your anchor so you feel a little better but still it SUCKS ASS that the windlass is not working, and it really sucks mega ass that the GPS stopped working.

Something else happens today. I can not exactly remember what that is however. I must be getting older or something (little hint there). They say the memory is the first thing to go. But now I will not forget the standard method to catch a kingfish, because I wrote it down. Of course I might forget I wrote it down in which case it will not do me a whole lot of good.

So far 2008 is sucking. I realize that we are only 11 days into the year, but the 11 days have sucked. Things better pick up and stop sucking or else I will be VERY GRUMPY this year
That is me. Being grumpy. Cause so far this year is sucking.

I Am A Winner.

Awarded by
Emma to Lazy Iguana

Behold the award I won. This is a fairly cool blog award. Ever see it before? I have not. This is a blog award I could use, because I am almost dry. I have some Sam Adams Winter Later hanging out, but I will need some more in the next week or two. Unless I get a "bunch of beer". Which apparently is exactly what happened.

In other news, not only is the boat GPS Chart Plotter not functional, but now the anchor windlass decided to take a crap. So much for "the boat not costing a lot to operate". I was just telling someone that. See the boat has an engine that is not a gas pig. It uses DFI technology and really is good on gas. For a boat anyway. In the past two trips I used up a whole whopping 7 gallons. I was not running very much, drift fishing and/or "drop the anchor and sit in one place" fishing is economical.

But on the last trip out the GPS stopped working. Now I do not know what the cost to repair it is. And I do not know if it is going to be a warranty job or not. But if it has to be replaced - it will be around $400 for the slightly upgraded CP180i. The exact same plotter is not being made anymore.

SO MUCH FOR BEING ECONOMICAL TO USE!

And on the Wednesday afternoon trip out - the windlass had a problem and now does not work. I think it may have joined the writer's union.

IF the windlass is dead, then that is another $500 or $600 to replace. So if it is in fact not working it will just remain not working for a while. I can anchor without it. It is just a hassle.

Did I say the boat is economical to use? Let me rephrase that. The boat is a hole in the water which you are supposed to fill with money - but it does not use up a lot of gas.

BOAT = "break out another thousand". Which is about what the two broken items would cost to replace if I have to buy new shit.

So all that sucks. But it is part of the game. Nothing lasts forever. It just sucks when more than one thing craps out at the same time.

But hey! At least the outboard still runs! That is a good thing. The engine is very expensive. The boat can be used without the GPS plotter and also without the windlass. But the boat has little use at all without an engine. So yea, it is not really that bad.

I did not catch anything. But I am getting closer. There were two strong hits, probably kingfish. But due to whatever reason, they threw the hooks.
The law of averages says that sooner or later I will catch something worth catching. Maybe some blackfin tuna? That would be nice.

And I think I can revive the windlass. The switch could be bad. The circuit breaker could have burned out. Both are cheap fixes. If the motor is bad, then I can probably just replace that. Or get it repaired at an electric motor repair place.

I am going to try to jump the switch, bypassing the circuit breaker. If that works then the breaker is bad and $15 later I can have another one. If the thing still does not work then I can voltage test the leads going to the windlass. If they are not hot then the switch is bad. Order another one and it is all good. If the power leads read hot and it still does not work......well lets worry about that if that turns out to be the case.

I may need another (or my first) Bush "tax cut" to fix it. Of course, if I made enough to get the Bush "tax cut" then I would just be able to buy new stuff right now and have it sent here express overnight delivery, get it the next day, and then have someone install it. Or better yet, just go buy a new boat. Why not.

Fun With Google Images

Step 1 - go to Google images.
Step 2 - search for "Bush bill of rights".
Step 3 - behold the #1 result, and take part in my glory.


I rule.