Gulf Coast Disaster

The worst case senario has happened. New Orleans has sunk. Coastal Mississippi has also sunk. Entire cities are gone. It is total devistation.

They have started to paint homes with dead bodies inside with a red X. Gas and oil, and who knows what other chemicals, have leaked into the flood waters. There are dead bodies and animals in the water, along wiht untold amounts of raw sewage.

IF the people are not taken out of there soon, disease will spread. Disentary and Chloera will kill many people. The death toll of this storm is going to reach thousands.

SOMEONE needs to answer to the public here. WHY are there no services for all the people? Where is the National Guard? Where is the US Navy? Only the Navy has the equipment to move the people out over the water. Where is the Air Force? They have choppers and airlift equipment. AMERICANS IN AMERICA need that stuff right now!!

But it is all in Iraq. You know, keeping us safe from weapons that were never there. Helping to set up another Islamic State and start another Civil War, just to secure $3/gallon gasoline and record profits for some companies (companies who happen to have connections to the people who wanted the war in the first place).

This is a criminal act. When the Guard was activated to send overseas - people said that this could happen. A large natural disaster could occur, and recovery efforts would be hampered by the lack of assets here. The war-for-oil side said it would not happen.

Well, it happened. And right now, people are suffering and possibly dieing. People are in desperate need of rescue and support services. And the people that COULD BE doing these things are somewhere else.

But will any media outlet bring this up? No. Will the president say anything? No. All I have seen so far is a LIE about the numbers of National Guard available. Supposedly, there are 31,000 National Guardsmen in the three states hit the hardest - but only 10,000 have been activated. This does NOT compute! Why have only 1/3 been activated? Is the disaster not big enough for full activation?

This is very upsetting to me. All over the TV all I see from that area is 100% human misery. Yes, people are trying to do the best they can - I already mentioned that I think the US Coast Guard is doing an EXCELLENT JOB! Of course, I would expect nothing less from the Coast Guard. Whenever something water related happens, the USCG is always there to render help.

But this rescue mission is bigger than the USCG. They simply do not have enough assets for the sheer scale of the damage. I am shure it is very stressfull for the Coasties who are trained to rescue people - having to pick and choose who to rescue. I can not imagine what it must be like to have to make that choice.

So Mr. President. How about an answer to this question. Why is the Guard not available to do the job they train for, but in Iraq doing front line stuff that they do not normally train for?

This really is a criminal action. People, AMERICAN CITIZENS, are not getting the help they need because that support was diverted away from the States.

Sorry, but I am pissed off at the government right now.

Katrina And You

I have a link to the Red Cross on the top of this blog. Please, click the link NOW and donate whatever you can afford to. The people hit by the worst of the storm need your help. What South Florida got was Mickey Mouse compared to what the Gulf Coast got.

The damage pictures you see on TV are just the larger cities. If you have never been to Alabama, Mississippi, or Lousiana before let me explain what you see in these states. TRAILERS. Lots of trailer homes. Building codes are a joke, compared to South Florida codes. Even the non-trailer homes are wooden framed and use crappy pressure board for roofing material. These structures do not survive strong winds.

Alabama and Lousiana are not wealthy states. Neither is Mississippi. Many people hit by the worst of the storm have no insurance of any kind. Many of them are at or below poverty level. A lot of people are never going to recover from this storm. It took South Dade County 10 years to recover from Hurricane Andrew, the Gulf States hit by Katrina will take much longer to recover. Yes, the tourist hotel casinos will recover, but the general population will not. They will need a lot of help.

So please, use the Red Cross link and give whatever you can. The recovery effort will take a very long time, and The American Red Cross will be there for the long haul.

The United States Coast Guard is doing an amazing job. I have seen some television footage of some rescue operations. The Coasties are often overlooked as a military branch. They are never in direct combat, but when your ass is in a crack on the water, it is the Coast Guard that comes for you. Nothing is a more welcome sight to someone in trouble than a USCG chopper and rescue swimmer.

And now for some photos I took of a CATEGORY 1 storm. Katrina hit as a strong category 4 or maybe category 5 storm. In Mimai, the storm surge was only a few feet - and there was heavy flooding in some parts of the County. In the gulf coast, Katrina pushed a 20 foot storm surge. Lousiana is sinking, most if not all of New Orleans is below sea level. So are the little towns surrounding the Big Easy. Entire communities have been washed into the sea.

Remember, the photos below were all caused by tropical storm and/or MINIMAL hurricane damage.

The above photo is of a palm tree in tropical storm force winds, not even close to hurricane force.

Branches from the jackaranda tree, torn off by tropical storm force winds.

The tree I planted after Hurricane Andrew. It fell down during the worst of the storm.

A tree fell across the street. This was not part of my yard, but was on my street.

The front yard.

Jackaranda tree damage. The tree used to provide a lot of shade.

The front yard part 2.

Top branches of the jackaranda tree.

Yet Another Update

The power is back on. But the DSL is messed up. So that means I am on dialup.

But it could be worse. It looks like The Big Easy is going to be wiped clean off the map.

Take a few moments to inventory your stuff. New Orleans is going to need A LOT of your stuff. Please, call your local Red Cross chapter right now and ask them about how to make a donation to the Lousiana recovery effort. Do not wait. People needed the stuff 12 hours ago.

You might also buy stuff that will be needed and donate it to a relief agency. The top of the needs list includes BABY SUPPLIES, canned foods, powerded milk, and of course pet foods.

Katrina Is A Ho Bag

The stupid storm decided to take a hard turn to the south, which was not part of the forecast track. I had a feeling it would do this, but did not think it would go as far south as it did. In short:

1. Electricity at my pad will not be on till maybe Tuesday. My dad works for the power company so this is very reliable information

2. The front yard is treeless. I got some cool tree photos.

3. Titanic Resturant And Brewery has electricity, AC, cold beer, and food. I will be living here more than usual. Oh yea, they also have free wireless internet.

4. I put in a 11 hour day at work Friday. Only two people from the department reported to work, the other guy could not get out of his driveway due to trees. I got OT up the wazoo. Some of it is still stuck up there.

5. Cold showers suck ass. But the hot water heater still has some warm water in it. If I conserve the crap out of it, it might last a few more days.

6. Everything in the fridge is now garbage. I was able to save the important frozen stuff by taking it to work (ice cream and frozen pizza).

7. I have about 3 hours of battery life on the laptop. But I can recharge the thing, I have power inverters. I also have a 5 kilowatt generator but it is buried under a mountain of shit in the garage, never to be seen again. Kind of like the Ice Man found when a glacier melted, one day I will find the generator. But the fuel left in it will probably be a thick coat of varnish. Also, I hate generators. They are loud. I want to shoot a hole in the gas tank of the generator next door.

8. I have 40 gallons of gasoline in the boat fuel tank, so I do not have to wait in a long ass line to buy premium fuel because all the 87 octane is gone.

9. It is a sad day when I would rather be at WORK than at HOME. Home has no AC, no TV, no electricity, no food, and so on. Work has all of these things. Plus, my job is not too hard.

10. The eye of the storm passed over me. I was in it. I was also in the strongest part of the eye wall. It was neat, in an "oh shit the power will be out for a week" kind of way. I got to see trees fall over, the sky was glowing with green light from the transformers and feeders shorting out, and the noise of the wind was something you just have to experience to know about.

11. When rain is mixed with 80 mph wind, it hurts like hell. Do not be out in it like my dumb ass was. Why was I out? Good question. One of these days I will have an answer. I guess I just wanted to know what it was like. It sucks.

Hurricane Work Day

This is the coolest hurricane ever. I only had to work about 1/2 the day, but I got paid for the full day. Why? Because it is raining outside. And the wind is blowing. It will probably rain all night, and into the morning. The wind might also keep blowing all night. There is no avoiding it now. I will be in a tropical storm sometime before midnight.

The eye will pass just to the south of Fort Lauderdale, and looks like it will stretch from Lauderdale to Hialeah. This is a VERY populated area, so an assload of people are going to be out of power today. Even if this is just a category 1 storm, there will be damage. It could be fairly widespread in scope. The hurricane force winds will be to the north of me, but not by much.

Anyway, I get to go to work tomorrow! Thats right! It is my day off, but not anymore. Tomorrow will probably be a crappy day anyway - so why not go in. I will not get overtime, this 8 hours will go directly towards administrative time. So now I can be sick for a day. Or I can request a day off. If I have to leave early, I can do that too. My first week, and I already got paid to leave early AND I will rack up 8 hours in the time off bank. When I work on Labor Day I will rack up another 8 hours in the time off bank.

I might be the ONLY PERSON in the office tomorrow. No boss. No anyone. I will have to answer the phone, if it rings. I will also have to deal with the fax machine - if it spits out any faxes. The Consulate Offices will probably be closed due to some kind of storm, so it could end up being very quiet. There are a few assignments that I will have to do, but these are not a big deal. I think I can handle em.

That is all for now. I wanted to post this before the power cuts out.

Hurricane Warning And Me.

I know what you were thinking before you visited my blog today. You were wondering "I wonder what is up with Lazy Iguana and Katrina The Hurricane. Well, since you wondered so nicely....

There you go. That red line is a hurricane warning. Miami is part of that line. Schools have already been closed for Dade County. But County employees (like me!!!) have to report to work. But here is the good news. Once the winds are above some speed, the airport closes. But I still get paid. That friggin rocks. I also have access to the free parking garage. Most employees have to use a large uncovered parking lot and ride a shuttle bus. The bus stops have a small covered area. One section of the lot is prone to flooding. The employee garage is much nicer. And I wear a suit - cant have special people like me getting wet now can we? Nope! So I get the hooked with the cool place to park. And I get a shuttle bus reserved for other people like me. I will get to work bone dry.

My weekend will be a wash out. But that is ok. My job is cool enough that it does not feel like work. Most of what I do involves meeting important people as they get off the plane, then helping them get out of the place quickly. This means I get to move around a lot. I am learning about all kinds of shortcuts I never knew about before.

So let some stupid hurricane try to mess up my weekend. I piss in the general direction of the storm. But not while the wind is blowing. I do not want to get pee all over myself. Pissing into 70 mph wind tends to do that to you. But really I do not think I will see hurricane force winds. Tropical storm force winds are far more likely. It is still a possibility that category 1 winds will hit. I am prepared for this, the fridge is well stocked with beer.

Too bad my hurricane web cam is not up. I never got around to getting one. Oh well, maybe next hurricane.

Another Day

Today was another good day at work! I got hanging file thingies for my desk file cabinet. They also gave me keys to my desk! So now I can lock up my stuff. Not that anything I have needs to be locked up, but having keys to my own desk makes me feel more important. Other people that might try to open a drawer will just have to wonder what is in there. And never find out. HA! Of course I will leave the drawers open most of the time, I would be paranoid of loosing them. It is just that I never had a job that came with a desk I can lock up. I either had to share a desk or I got none at all.

I also managed to win the schedule lottery, without even buying a ticket. Monday my day started at 8 AM, because I had to do the payroll thing. Today I started at 9 because I had to go downtown at 3:30 for a county ID card and my new boss did not want me "on the clock" more than 8 hours. Driving to and from downtown Miami counted as "on the clock". How cool is that?

Tomorrow my actual shift hours begin. 11:30 AM - 7:30 PM. My days off are Friday and Saturday. And I am the new guy. The one with 2 days senority. Somehow, I got the shift and days off that I would have picked out myself. How did this happen!?!? There has to be a catch. But there is no catch. I just won the shift lottery. I will have to work Labor Day, but I expected that. The new guy NEVER gets Labor Day off. I ain't going to complain. Not even a little bit. Not even a tiny itty-bitty hint of a fragment of a complaint. I like this position far too much for that.

So, what will I do with my Friday and Saturday off? Humm lets see. How about huddle in a closet? YEA! That sounds like a plan.

The Cone Of Death is back. Just in time for my weekend. But this will not be a very ugly storm. Just a lot of rain. It will be very weak, probably not much more than a tropical storm. There is a chance it could be a category 1 storm, but it will not be a strong cat 1. If anything, it will be a minimal cat 1. No problem. Real Floridians know how to handle that. Thursday could be a fun day at work. Bad weather = canceled flights = not as much work to do. But then again, assignments are kind of fun. Sitting at the desk all day might not be as much fun. Even if I can play with the locks.

But I am on the south side of the cone. If the thing shifts to the north when the 11 PM advisory comes out, I will be OK. Palm Beach will get it. If it shifts to the south....well lets just say I am glad that the new job has covered parking. No running through the rain to catch the shuttle bus.

Could Be Worse.....MUCH WORSE!

So everyone is probably (or not probably) wondering that was up with day 1 on the new job.

This is going to be a fairly easy job. Just as I was told at the first interview, I get to meet diplomats and high ranking officals as they exit the aircraft and wisk them through Customs and Immigration. I also get to meet consular officers, US government officals, and military officers and hand them special passes that allow them one time access to sterile areas (beyond security checkpoints) so that they can meet other important people at the gate.

When not on VIP detail, I get to do other stuff. Like reports. And I also get to answer phones. Consular offices call in and request VIP services for their people. Parking passes, gate passes, escorted access, and so on. There is also a fax machine that someone has to watch, but the machine is in someone elses office.

Oh yea, I almost forgot. I have an office. Well, more like a cubical. But still - there is a chair that only my ass will use, a desk that only I will use, a computer that I can use, and so on. Today was like Christmas in August, I got to stock up on supplies. I got pens and pencils and highlighters and correction tape and a stapler and a tape dispenser and all sorts of nifty things. I still need a large desk calendar, but I will get one. They are also going to order me a name plate I can post at the entrance of my office. And I will also get business cards, with the county logo and the airport logo.

I mentioned something about reports. I have to do them. I will get 10 or 20 countries that I have to keep updated reports on. That sounds like a lot huh? Well, as it turns out someone else does all the work for me. All I have to do is go on the internet, print out some stuff (my office has a cool laser printer), staple it together, and drop it in my file system. You can work along with me, most if not all of the information I need to keep updated can be found at The CIA World Factbook site. You can google "world factbook", or just CLICK HERE to get to the site. None of this information is secret or anything, in fact it is a great resource if you want to know basic information about someplace.

The department I work for is a small one, and according to the other people working there the manager in charge is not into micro-management. You are expected to get stuff done, but nobody will be standing behind you to watch you work. So as long as I do not forget to meet people at the gate or info desk, keep my reports updated, and put assignments in the master "things to do" book (these come from the phone or the fax machine), and show up on time I will be fine. I can do all those things.

Now, if I can only get off this "stay up till 2 AM" thing and adjust to normal people hours.....

Day 1

I am off to work. Ug. Rush hour traffic is going to be a bitch. I have never had to deal with morning rush before. All my other full time jobs either started at a strange time OR had me going against the flow.

I have no idea what I will be doing. Nobody has told me all the details yet. I have a feeling I will find out today.

Bush Joke

George W. was out cycling one morning along the parkway when he slid, fell
over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were
fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the
kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I want to go to Disneyland."

George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One".

The second kid said, "I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans."

George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and
stereo headset!!"

Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you
are handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from
drowning!"

Comment Settings And You

The comment problem is now fixed. Somehow, the who can leave comments setting was changed to "team members only".

I changed it back to anyone. I am far too lazy to approve a bunch of team members.

Comment Spam And You

In an effort to avoid any more comment spam, I turned on comment verification. I thought this might be better than turning off anonymous comments. Anyway, if the verification process turns out to be a pain in the ass, I will turn it off and just deal with comment spam as it happens.

In other news, I am about 1/2 way through my vast selection of beers from Scotland. These account for about 1/4 or so of all the UK beers I have. So, if you multiply something, and carry the 1, I am about 1/8 through my tour. Fractions suck. But beer from Scotland does not suck. The Scottish are not playing around when it comes to beer, Scotch Ales are strong. None of them so far have been below 7%. They are at least twice as strong as regular Amercian beer.

In about 31 hours, I have to report to the phantom building to begin full time job number three. I still do not know exactly what I will be doing, but it is a County job. Dade County is a good employer, as far as employers go. I will be able to stay in the State Retirement System. This is good, because the school system uses the same plan. If I had to leave the state plan, I would loose a gob of money in early withdrawl penalties. The County is also fairly large, so there are a lot of places to go from here. The County opens the good jobs to employees before the general public.

Time for another obvious observation! Mr. Rogers is creepy. For one, he is always wearing a sweater. Do men under the age of 80 wear those things? Yea, I know the shows were made in the 70s. You could still buy quaaludes, and drugs were cheap. Maybe that explains things. but still - the show is CREEPY. The man is just way too calm all the time. I catch the show a lot, because PBS kids is located after The Science Channel and before Cartoon Network on DirecTV.
I am too lazy to enter channels directly, so I use the channel up and down button. This means I skip past a lot of channels I would otherwise never go to. This is how I discovered Spongebob Squarepants.

Where I Will Be On Monday.

Time to use Google Earth! Here is where I have to be on Monday at the ungodly hour of 8 AM.

The little red circle is the phantom building where I have to meet the nice lady from HR, and the payroll people. The large red circle is the terminal area. You can also see the runways and taxi-ways. The large curvy line on the bottom is the 836 expressway. The dark areas by the large curvy line are man made lakes. I have to go to the phantom building first.

In this photo, the parking garage for County empoyees (me) and law enforcement is circled. The arrow is pointing to the fuel farm. The concourses are labeled A - H. The large buildings and other stuff in the middle of the concourses are public parking garages, covered moving walkways, and stuff.

As you can see, Miami Airport is quite well designed. The shape of the terminal is a horseshoe. People can quickly get from concoruse A to concourse H - without needing to use a train or bus. On the third level there is a moving walkway. This walkway is the secret to getting around quickly. Additionally, concourse A - E are connected by another walkway behind the checkpoint (so people can move among those concoruses without having to go through security, as the only way to get there is to either pass through security OR arrive in an airplane - in which case you already made it through security. All international arrivals have to go through US Customs).

Level 1 is for departures (leaving the airport to the city, baggage claim). Level 2 is for arrivals (people leaving the city, and the security checkpoints and airline ticket counters).

So if you are going to come to Miami, do not be afraid to fly into or out of Miami International Airport. The layout of the place is very logical, and it is very easy to move around in the place. You can go from one end of the airport to the other end in less than 10 minutes. Because the busy concourses are connected behind the checkpoint, if you have to fly out of D and the line is too long, you can go to E. MIA has a MUCH better layout than Fort Lauderdale.

This is where I will be on Monday. And Tuesday. And many days after that.

Trans-Job Vacation

There might be something better than a vacation. What could that thing be? Why, a trans-job vacation of course! The post title probably gave that one away.

Unlike a "go someplace else" vacation, during a trans-job vacation you are still in town. You can get things done. You can have lunch with your friends. You can stay up late writing blog posts and watching Real TV on Spike Network, then sleep late the next morning. You can chill out in your front yard ahd enjoy a beer while your neighbors are just getting home from work - all frazzled.

And unlike a fUNemployment vacation, it is OK to spend money. After all, it is not like you do not have a job! Actually - it is exactly like you do not have a job. Only you have money. If this is what retirement is like, I like it! Here is what I managed to do today.

1. Wake up at around 11 AM.
2. Watch TV till 12:30, when I finally got out of bed.
3. 1:00 - PM, shower.
4. 2:00 - met a friend at the mall, so I could buy a suit. The new job might require wearing of a suit, so I got one.
5. 3:45 - went to lunch at a latin grill place.
6. Worked a whole whopping 2 hours at the part time job. The job site happens to be at the same mall as the suit place and the latin grill.

Hard day huh? I thought so too. Imagine having to get out of bed before 1 PM on a weekday!

UPDATE TIME! UPDATE TIME! READ THIS. Or not. Whatever.

The beer tour of the UK is really going to kick ass. Thanks to a friend of mine (the same friend who helped me pick out a suit and some shirts and stuff), I got a new lead on a high end supermarket with a VERY LARGE beer selection. My UK tour is up to almost 20 beers now. It will take some time to drink them all and report on my findings. I now have stouts, cream stouts, ESB, a porter, some kelp beer, barley wine, pale ale, IPA, brown ale, red ale, Scottish ale, strong ales, and more. I will also be able to tour Spain, Russia, Israel, Belgium, Germany, Poland, Czech Republic, Japan, Italy, and who knows where else. I will sample rice beer, limbacks, pilsners, lagers, wheat beers, bottle conditioned beers, bock beers, and more.

And also......meet Cornelius. He is named after the Corn Flakes Rooster.

Cornelius lives here, but supposedly he is not going to stay. At least that is what I thought when I first got Cornelius. But that was almost a week ago, and he is still here. I tried to give him away, but nobody wants the little kitty. He is a nice little kitty, totally not afraid of Gigi, Fred, or Sake. At first the three adult cats hated the poor little kitty, but the friction is mostly over now. Every now and then I will hear a hiss, but that is about it.

Because I had nothing else to do, I put Cornelius on kittenwar.com. I figure that if he wins a lot of battles, it might help find him a home. So vote for Cornelius. But even is he wins all his battles, it looks like he will hang out here. Good thing the new job starts Monday, vet bills are never cheap.

Stuff And Things

There seems to be some confusion among my loyal readers.

1. I am not exactly unemployed. I do have a part time job. I worked a whole 2 hours this week. Today, I will work another 3 hours.

2. Over the summer, this job was very close to full time. I was working just shy of 40 hours a week. But I never took the job thinking it would turn into anything. I simply needed something to do, which was not too hard, over the summer.

I suppose I can talk about my current job now. I will probably be leaving it behind after today. The new job will probably have overtime available, and if this is so I need to get as much of it as possible. Not that I want to work on my days off, I really do not. But I accepted a job in a department that looks like it will go extinct in May. If I want to stay with the County, I do not have much time to make it seem like I am a good employee. I already have 1 year of service with the Florida Retirement System, I need 5 more years to be vested (I choose the PENSION plan, not the investment plan. Why? Well, lets just say that under JEB BUSH the state spend tens of millions on ENRON stock - and the loss was taken on by investment plan employees. I can do my own investing).

Anyway, where was I? Oh yea. Who I work for right now. I work for Educate Inc. This is the company that owns Sylvan Learning Center. I used to think that private education companies were strictly about the money. Parents pay, and the company tells them what they want to hear.
But, I was wrong. Sylvan really is a good program. I have seen, with my own eyes, students make progress. The program does work. Of course, it up to the student just how much progress thay make - but I do think that the program did help the vast majority of the students I worked with.

If your kid is having trouble in school, or just needs a little extra help with algrbra, Sylvan might be able to help them. Sylvan has programs for beginning readers, academic reading (for students that need to boost language arts skills), math (all levels from basic addition to algebra 2), and study skills. Commercial over.

Now on to other things. I changed my profile today. Where my occupation used to say education, it now says government. How about that. Government. This makes three for three when it comes to "real jobs". All my real jobs have been in the public sector.

More on why I think the private sector sucks in another post!

Ohhhhh...Who Lives In A Pineapple Under The Sea?

The over-ride did not happen. So I get to sleep in late for 4 more days! I start on Monday at 8 AM.

It is 11:00 PM. Do You Know Where Your Head Is?

So today I get a call from the nice lady at the HR department. She says that some of my paperwork was returned, because of an ID issue. My drivers license and social security card were photocopied and sent off with the paperwork for US Customs Bonding. Now they need my birth certificate, along with my drivers license and social security card.

The fun part is - I have no idea where my birth certificate is. You would think that me being here is proof that I was born, but no. You need a paper saying you were born.

Getting the certificate replaced was way too easy. All I had to do was go to a county office of vital records, and ask for one. I needed (get ready for this) one photo ID (in this case, my drivers license).

Call me crazy, but if all I need to get a birth certificate issued is a drivers license - and they already had a copy of my license - what will the certificate tell them? That I was born? You would think they could tell that from the fact I have a ssn.

I brought everything to the phantom building, and this is where the REAL fun began. I was informed that my physical results were in. My urine contained only approved chemicals. So the nice HR lady asked when I could start. I already explained to her hows this works. I am the one looking for the job. The County is the one offering it. Therefore, I do not have any input here. They tell me when I start, not the other way around.

But the nice lady asked anyway. I told her I could start the very next day. Everything looked ok, but then the evil empire music started and payroll spoke. Payroll supposedly can not process paperwork on any day that is not a Monday. This is not what the boss wants to hear. He wants to hear I will be there today. He has been calling the nice lady at HR daily, wondering where the new warm body he needs is.

The people in payroll said that they can not process my paperwork unless they get an over-ride. But the over-ride lady had already left for the day.

At this point I used my office ninja skills, and snuck into the payroll office. Using my cell phone camera, I captured this image.

At this point, I am on what I am dubbing "sort-of on call". What this means is that if the over-ride is approved, the phone will ring and I get to join the sheep in rush hour traffic for the first time ever (my other real jobs either started way before rush hour started, or had me going in the opposite direction as everyone else). On the other hand, if the over-ride is not approved I will get to sleep in late and watch Spongebob Squarepants. Either way I do have to go back to the airport, I have the US Customs paperwork to re-submit. It is just a matter of if I will have to pay for parking or not.

I have done civil service for the federal government, and for Dade County Public Schools, but I have a feeling that Dade County is going to be the best. I want to work in a department where I can decide that I can only do something one day of each week.

Waiting For Godot

I feel like I am in a Samuel Beckett play. You know, the one about the guy in an empty room or something waiting for Godot? And the dude never shows up? Well, I feel like empty room dude.

But I am only waiting on a detailed report about how there are no illegal drugs in my pee. I did not get called today, so I guess that means the results are not in yet. I did not want to call and bug the nice HR lady. I will call the nice HR lady today if I do not hear anything. They said it could take up to 10 days, but I did not get the full battery of tests done. I know there is nothing but pee in my pee, so I am not worried or anything - I just want to end this waiting stuff and start.

So what did I do today? I created another top 10 list.

Top 10 things to do while waiting for your pee test results:

10. Watch the truck show on Spike TV
9. Email The Game Show Network and demand they bring The Gong Show back to TV. 5 times.
8. Nick Toons shows Ren And Stimpy at 11:30 PM weekdays (and at 11:30 AM too I think)
7. Watch "Wild Police Videos" on Spike TV.
6. Create Top 10 Lists.
5. Wash all the black spots off your vehicle (the tree I park under creates the spots - I had not washed them off for far too long. The roof was caked in spots and grime).
4. Sleep late.
3. Laugh at all the people going to work (I will be one of them soon, but for now I can laugh)
2. Shop for stuff I can buy soon. I want a watch that tells me what the tide is, what the moon phase is, and has a barometer, thermometer, and digital compass built in. I "need" it for my boat. It is nice to know if the tide is high, low, or going in or out.
1. Poker Stars dot Net! Give it a shot. Play for free!

Another thing I have noticed. Remember the Superfriends cartoon from the late 70s? How lame was Aquaman? And his sidekick is named "Tadpole". What is up with that. Seems a little...you know....fruity. Apache Chief is a better superhero than Aquaman - and all Apache Chief can do is grow really large. E-NUK-CHUCK! Boomerang Network is great. They show all the old toons, going all the way back to 1930s Popeye toons. Now if they would just show Speed Racer....

My beer tour of the UK is looking fairly good. I went to the beer store and picked out a few selections. Some of the stuff I have had before, some is new to me. I even found a novelty beer. But I have a sinking feeling. It is a little known fact that beer exported to the USA is often not the same stuff made for domestic consumption. For example, right now I am trying some stuff from Morland England. The beer label says the ale is "well hopped", but....you will just have to wait for the full review.

Anyway, I will do some research into this. It could be that the stuff I opened tonight is just not as good as the stuff still in the fridge.

So far, all I have is an assortment of ale. Nut Brown Ale, Pale Ale, and IPA. I am still hunting for a Stout and a Porter. If I can track down some Bitter, I will get that too. I found some beer from Scotland as well!

I will also have to re-visit America, the beer store has a whole lot of American micro-brews in stock. I am going to see if they will sell me an assortment of single beers - that I select.

Lazy Iguana's Magical Mystery Beer Tour Of The World.

Welcome to my beer tour of the world! In this multi-part tour, I will take you around the world using nothing but my laptop computer, and beer.

I will start my beer tour off in America. While most American beer sucks ass, there are some gems out there. You just have to avoid the crap that is mass produced and heavily advertised on TV.

Everyone should already know about Samuel Adams, so I will skip over this beer. Sam Adams is decent beer, but it has one problem. It is a lager. My taste lies more with Brittish style ales and stouts. I have been known to kick back with a Sam, it is a good choice for a 4th of July beer. But still - it is a lager. There are better beers out there, you just have to look harder to find them. But if you have NOT tried Sam Adams, and you live in America - what is wrong with you? Buy a 6 pack already! It will not kill you. Put DOWN the Coors and get some real beer ok?

Anyway, my tour will begin my tour with a beer unique to America. This beer originates from 19th century San Francisco. German-Americans who made the trek out west brought their love of lagers with them. But there was a problem. Lagers require cool places to ferment in. Where lagers come from, this is not a problem. Either the climates are cool, or there are caves where the beer can hang out. But out west, it was hot. And dry. And hot. So, steam beer was born! Steam beer is simply lager fermented at higher than usual tempatures. Anchor Brewing Company, of San Francisco, still makes steam beer. I give it a rating of "decent". Much better than the swill sold in cans, but not a fine ale. It can be compared to Sam Adams, but it is slightly better.

Next, we will dive into the really good stuff. First on my list is a beer that it very easy to find in Florida. Publix, a large supermarket chain in Florida, carries the stuff.

Sierra Nevada Brewing Company makes several types of beer. I happen to really like the pale ale, but they also make a porter, a stout, a wheat beer, and three seasonals. I have tried the pale ale, porter, and stout - all of them are very good. The pale ale is excellent. I highly recommend anything from Sierra Nevada Brewing Company. The pale ale has a distinctive, crisp taste with a decent amount of hops bitterness. Of all the American beers, this one is possibly the best. It is very easy to get, and it is a real pale ale! Not just some crap with pale ale on the label.

Next, we will look at a beer that is harder to track down, but well worth the effort.

Dogfish Head Brewing Company makes a bunch of beer. I have featured their 90 minute IPA. India Pale Ales are pure Brittish beer. They are a result of Imperial days of yore. Brittish citizens in India wanted their pale ale, but the beer would go bad on the long voyage. So the brewers, ever so wise, added more hops to their recipies. The result was known as India Pale Ale. Hops are a natural presertive.

Anyway, Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA is really good stuff. It is a heavy beer, and not for those who are not hop heads like myself. The hops are added to the raw beer, then the batch is boiled for a full 90 minutes. Enough malt is used so that the resulting beer has a 9% alcohol content. It is a serious IPA.

Dogfish Head also makes a 60 minute IPA that is 6% alcohol by volume, and if you are lucky enough to live near the brewery at 6 Cannery Village Center Milton, DE 19968 or the resturant at 320 Rehoboth Avenue Rehoboth Beach, DE 19971, you can try the 120 minute IPA. The 120 minute IPA is only available on tap, and has a super high alcohol content of 21%.

I have had 5 different beers from Dogfish Head, all were very good. If you can find their beer, or if you live in DE, this is a must try beer.

Last on my tour of America is something from the Left Hand Brewing Company.

Milk Stout, also known as Cream Stout, is also from the UK. Someone over there discovered that a little milk sugar added to a stout is a good thing. In fact, it is a great thing. You know you are drinking a stout, the flavor of dark roasted malt is there. The beer is very dark - so dark that you can not see the sun through a pint glass (you can usually see the sun through a porter). The milk sugar added takes a little edge off the strong flavor of the stout. Now do not get me wrong, I like my stout! But sometimes, a stout is just too heavy. At times like this, you can reach for a milk stout.

Left Hand Brewing Company makes other beers, but I have not tried any. But I can give my stamp of approval to their milk stout. I would not hesitate to try any of their other beers.

I should also mention that Samuel Adams also makes a cream stout. I have not seen it for a while in stores, I guess it was not selling very well. The Sam Adams cream stout is also pretty good stuff. I can not compare it to the stuff from Left Hand Brewing Company - I have not had the Sam Adams stuff in a long time and only one bottle of Left Hand milk stout.

There are probably other fine American beers out there in addition to the ones I have featured - but I either forgot about them OR have not found them yet.

Oh yea, a word about brewery resturants. AVOID HOPS! That place makes sub-standard beer. It is just another corporate chain resturant, using a corporate approved recipie, designed to appeal to the masses. The problem is that the masses think Coors is good. If you are in Miami, Titanic makes excellent ales. If you like German style lagers, may I suggest Gordon Bierch. Gordon Bierch is a national chain, check the site to see if one is located near you.

Next stop...probably The UK. Later. When you least expect it!

Lazy Iguana Pub Crawl Story.

This might be a long post, so you might want to get some snacks. Go ahead. I will wait.

Click here for interlude music......

OK, now you should have snacks. But you forgot your drink! You might want that too. Re-load the interlude music if you need to. I can wait.

Back so soon? Well then, on with the show!

It is the summer of 1996. I am 22, and sporting around in a black Dodge Daytona 5 speed. Being the responsible person I am, I lost my drivers license. This was before the era of "wear your photo ID around your neck" we live in now, so I really did not need the stupid thing. Except for getting served in bars. I needed it for that. And I would also have needed it if I got pulled over. But Dodge Daytonas, even with the 5 speed manual trannie, were not fast cars - so the cops mostly left me alone.

Now getting your drivers license replaced in Dade County is a major pain in the ass. The lines are long, and the service is slow. It can be an all day ordeal. But, there is an option. You can sit in a line all day, or drive to The Keys and use the DMV there. In the Keys, there are no lines. If there are three people in line when you get there, the place is extra super busy. Mostly it is walk up service.

So I loaded myself into the Daytona, with the cash needed to get the replacement license and my brand new Master Card that I had just obtained to buy gas and school books and pay school fees and such. You know, the whole "be responsible and build credit with this card, do not use it for stupid crap" thing. My friend from the high school days also came along, for the ride.

The drive to the Keys DMV took about an hour or so. Not too bad. I walked in and out. No line. No hassle. No anything really. So all there was left to do was drive home.

Did I mention it was summer? Well it was. And it was hot. And the car was black. Yea, the AC worked, but still. And to get to the DMV I had to pass the world famous Holiday Isle TIKI BAR, home of the RumRunner. So I decided to test out the new license. I had some drinks, and hung out under the tiki hut for a bit. But I had no cash! NO PROBLEM! Mr. Master Card to the rescue!

After a few rumrunners, I continued home. But then I had to wizz. And I was thirsty again. So I stopped somewhere in Key Largo. Once again, I had to use the Master Card. Then I decided to not use US1 to get back to the mainland, I used Card Sound Road. Of course, I had to stop at this legendary place called "Alabama Jack's". It is owned by a dude named Jack from Alabama.

In Florida City, I hit another place called The Mutineer. Then I continued on my way home. It seems that I stopped at two other places, a Bennigan's and someplace I forgot about. Then I made it home.

I think I forgot to mention one thing. I activated that credit card minutes before I left the house that day. The Master Card was just as new as my license.

The next day, I get a phone call. It is Master Card! They want to ask about some "strange activity" on my card. The nice lady asked if I used my card in The Keys, at two bars. I said "Yea, I was there". Then she asked if I used it at Alabama Jack's. Why yes I did! Then she asked about The Mutineer in Floirda City. I kind of remembered being there, but I did not remember what I ordered. Apparently, Master Card knew. Cool! So thats what I drank at that place!

Then she asked about some rather large tabs at two other places I did not remember being in. But I still had the card, so I said "I do not remember being at those two places, but they are on the way home from The Keys, so I must have been there".

To this day, no credit card represenitive has EVER called me about "strange use" involving bars. I use my Visa check card at Titanic so often, that the bar has the number on file. If someone stole my check card and used it at The Titanic, I would never be able to dispute the charge. Visa would say "Yea right. Your ass is there at least once a week! What kind of a scam are you trying to pull here?!?"

So there it is. My most memorable bar hop story. I would like to thank the nice people at Master Card for filling in all the holes in my memory.

Cold, Fizzy, And Golden In Color

Beer is good. Not everyone likes it, this is true. But those who do not like beer have probably not ever had real beer. Most of the crap available in America is just that - CRAP! The King Of Beers??!!? Do not make me laugh! Coors??? Might as well put a shot of vodka into a pint of water.

My overseas readers already know this. Who in Europe buys American beer? Nobody, thats who. Nobody except maybe for American tourists. Why ANYONE would go through the trouble of going all the way to Europe to drink Budwieser is beyond my grasp. Unless you are in the Czech Republic and are drinking the REAL Budwieser (pronounced bud-var I think).

This part is for my readers in Europe. Next time you see some idiot from the USA drinking crappy American beer, do them a favor. Set them up with a pint of ESB or a good IPA (thats Extra Special Bitter and India Pale Ale for my American readers).

You would never catch me drinking swill. Hell, a good part of why I want to go to Europe is for the beer. German beer. British beer. Dutch beer. Pilsners. Ales. Stouts. Lagers. Porters. Wheat beers. WINES! Oh do not let me forget about the wines. Napa Valley makes some top notch wines right here in the USA (California to be exact), but I would imagine the wine selection overseas is pretty good.

But the beer selection would be better.

Now there are some places where one can go for good beer in America. One such place is only a few miles from my home. I went there tonight. They make their own beer, right in the resturant. I had a bitter and a barley wine.

In case you are wondering, a bitter is not really bitter at all. Who knows how the beer got its name, but they are LESS bitter than an India Pale Ale. For that matter, they are less bitter than a regular pale ale.

Anyway, at the place I go to I hardly ever order the bitter. I do not know why really. It is good stuff. But I usually end up going for the IPA or one of their seasonals. They also make a rye beer that I like a whole lot.

Anyway, good beer is something I truly enjoy.

New Blog Stuff

I decided to reduce side bar clutter, and add more stuff at the same time. How can you reduce clutter AND add more stuff? Hell if I know. Seems just as logical as using a blowtorch to cool something off. Or using dry ice to cook a hamburger.

The long awaited Lazy Iguana Store is here. It is a pretty crappy store, it only has a few items. The items for sale are made from an image I stole from The Devil a while ago. I set the item markup to zero. Anyway, now when I get a good sticker idea I can make it available to whoever would want one. And who would want one? Beats me. But the store was free. And it gave me an excuse to add that cool animated $100 bill gif I stole from someplace.

I ended up adding two more sidebar items. Get Political is where I will keep the petitions I create. The petitions I create are really just a terrible waste of time and internet bandwidth. So go ahead, use a fake name! Add a creative comment! And in case you are wondering, I have not noticed any spam as a result of using my real email address (or my gmail one for that matter). The site operators are actually trying to change the world with the site. You know, give the people a voice and stuff. I wish them the best of luck, but I think they are trying too hard. Even paper petitions are not taken too seriously.

I also created a games sidebar. This is where I will post cool game links. Like Cook-ay Slots (from oddtodd.com). The object is to gamble cookies in an attempt to win more cookies. Pretty simple, but brilliant at the same time. There are many hidden cartoons and stuff in the game.
Bird Snatchers is a game where two cats try to catch birds using a hot air balloon. Nuclear Plant Simulator is a game where you get to control a nuke power plant - and try NOT to cause a melt down.

Planarity is a cool logic puzzle game. You have to move some dots around, trying to arrange them so none of the lines sticking out of them intersect. It is a very easy game to learn how to play, but yet complicated at the same time.

Nation States is a fairly simple game as well. You get to run a nation. It does not take very much time to play, all you have to do is decide on one or two issues a day. You get to set the number of issues, and the days you get them. I have three nations going. One is a "Liberal Paradise", the other two are "Corporate Police States".

And lastly, there is Blogshares - the fake stock trading game. The finance major in me seems to like this game. Also, I seem to be doing very well in this game. I also figured out how blogs are valued - it has everything to do with links. The more blogs link to your blog, the more shares in your blog is worth. And the fewer outgoing links you have (compared to links to your blog) the more those links are worth.

I have made a good deal of fake money from the Pez Family blogs.

Just Another Day

It looks like today will be another normal job. I have to go to my part time job, possibly for the last time. I had them take me off the schedule for Friday. I might have some more running around to do - and then again I might not.

And it has been 24 hours since the physical. I can have beer again, but now I do not want one. How about them apples? When I could not have something, I wanted it. Now that I can have it, I do not want it. One day I will have a beer again - but probably not today. Or tomorrow. Or Saturday.

But Sunday! Sunday I want to go back out in the boat. My highly trained crew (one friend from the hood) only has Sunday off. I might be working on Sunday for the next who-knows-how-long. Therefore, the only logical thing to do is use the boat! The water is still warm after all. If I use the boat then there will be beer consumption. It is an ancient maratime tradition, and bad things happen to people who break the tradition. But you must use moderation, because bad things happen to mariners who over-consume as well.

And due to school being back in session, the boat ramps might not be as busy! See how this works out? So far the weather outlook is good. I already contacted my crew. The planned destination (for now) is....Carysfort Reef. I went there once already, but this time I will use another moring bouy. I will see different stuff. And I will bring one of those disposable underwater cameras. I have a really nice professional quality film underwater camera, complete with a big ass flash - but it might be hard to use that beast while snorkeling. Also the O-Rings are old, and if there are any flat spots it could leak. That would be BAD! Horribly BAD! And I would be out one really nice setup. So the safe thing is to use a cheap disposable setup. If it leaks, it leaks. I am out $10 as opposed to several hundred.

The Psychic TeeVee said I will start the new job on Monday. I consult wit the Psychic TeeVee far too often. Give it a shot yourself. So far the TeeVee has a pretty good track record - for me anyway. And while you are there, check out the rest of the site. It is good for a few laughs.

Back To Normal. Whatever Normal Is.

The County physical was today. My appointment was for 10:30 AM to 1:30 PM. Yea right I thought, no way in hell I will be out of there at 1:30.

I was right. I was out of there at 1:45. The HR person told me that the whole process would take 4 hours, and it did. Right on the money. Well, 15 minutes off the money but that is close enough to count. Amazing huh? I thought it was.

Now being a single dude, and having nobody to nag about going to the doctor, I never go. I see my eye doctor when I need new contact lenses, but that is about it. As part of the "lets see you tamper with your pee test after we make you do this" process, I had to remove all my clothes and don a fashionable hospital gown, complete with paper shoes. No big deal right? Well not exactly.

I never had to deal with the hospital gown before. But how hard is to put one on? Really. I have a college degree and stuff. There are no directions, but only a mental person would need one. Any higher ape should be able to figure it out.

So I see three holes. Hey! I see how this works. I have two arms and a head! So I put my head through the largest hole, and my arms through the other two holes. I had a very large bib at this point. My front was taken care of, but my bare ass was just there. In all of its glory. This can not be right! Can it? Am I supposed to walk out with my ass in full view? After all, we are all adults and this was in a hospital. Bare asses are exposed in hospitals all the time.

So I peek out of the stall. The other guy is already out of his stall, and his ass is covered. How did he manage that? It seems his gown wraps around his body! Now I see how this works! Nobody sees me peek so I go back to work. I take one of my arms out of one hole, bring the gown under an arm pit, wrap it around, and stick my other arm through the hole. It fits, my ass is covered, but now the gown is not comfortable at all.

Now at this point the nurse decides that something is wrong. So she asks if there is any problem. I say "sort of" - because the bare ass problem was solved but the new problem was I had a toga, and I was supposed to have a gown. So they walk in to see the problem.

Here is how you are supposed to put on a hospital gown. First, notice the three holes. ALL THREE are for your arms. At no point do you attempt to stick your head through anything. Got it? Nothing goes over your head. One arm goes through more than one hole. ONE ARM. Not both.

1. Put one arm through a hole that looks like the sleeve area of a tank top.
2. Your OTHER arm goes through the hole you could stick your head through. It looks like a hole you would find in a turtle neck sweater. Your front area should now be covered.
3. Continue to wrap the gown around your body, covering up your bare ass. Nobody wants to see that, unless your ass is considered hot - in which case you probably want to cover it anyway because everyone has a cell phone camera and you might not want to end up on the internet.
4. Stick your first arm through the third hole, securing the gown totally around your body.

You should now be wearing a fashionable garmet, which covers all your naughty parts. And do not forget those cool blue hospital booties. They compete the look.

After all this, I was allowed to wizz in the plastic cup. They asked for 60 mL, I gave them 75mL (the cup was graduated, so I could tell how much was in there). Then I had to stop the stream, put the cup down, and put the rest of the reserve pee in the toilet.

The rest of the exam was not that eventful . The vision test was just like a drivers license vision test, and they did not draw blood (sorry Dracula!).

However, I have a feeling that I will have to go back. The form said something about a hearing test which I did not get. Also, the PPD skin test (looks for TB and stuff) was not done. But if I do have to go back, it is not the county's mistake.

And if I do have to go back, I will know how the gown thing works.

Blogshares. And Stuff.

Today I want to type about a few things added to the ever growing list of crap in my sidebar. I keep adding stuff here so that I can always make a post about it. One day I will organize it better.

First on my list is a whole new game! I love games. This game is called "Blogshares". It is like a fake stock market where shares in blogs are traded on an open market. Econo-Girl, you might really get a kick out of this site. Anyway, here are the numbers for Lazy Iguana Stock.

1. Total shares: 6,000
2. Shares available: 0
3. Price B$197.74
4. P/E: 170.66 (would be higher, but I issued 1,000 more shares yesterday).
5. Highest price: 197.74
6. Lowest price: $4.60

I do not know how stock is valued, but I have a feeling it has to do with the trading volume, the number of shares not bought, who your blog links to, and who links to your blog. My outgoing links are worth B$306.60. In other unrelated news, if I link to your blog, you owe me $306.60. Make your checks out to "cash", that is what my friends call me.

Anyway, if you want to check out this fake stock market, there is a "Listed Blogshares" thing under the top 10 countries thing. You can not miss it. There is a new link in my international blogs section to Raph's Adobe Abode. This is where I discovered Blogshares.

Speaking of the NeoCounter stuff, how cool is that? Yea, the Geo-Loc thing I finally got to work is nifty, but how do you know exactly where that little itty bitty red dot is supposed to be? Why, you check out NeoCounter! Then play "match the red dots up to the list of countries". As you can see my the map, which I will hereby call my "world domination map", my blog is slowly spreading all over the world. Already I have infiltrated Bermuda, Canada, The UK, Belgium, Kenya, Australia, Indonesia, and most recently Saudi Arabia. I would like to inflitrate The Netherlands next, just so I can establish an embassy there. Then I can travel to and from there with my special diplomatic pouch that can not be searched. The Lazy Iguana Embassy will be right next to a "coffee shop". In fact, it might just be a special table at a "coffee shop" reserved for me.

Then again, maybe not. The whole idea of world domination is NOT to establish diplomatic relations - it is to invade and take over! Those are MY windmills now! But taking over places requires a lot of effort, and I am fairly lazy. So maybe all I need is a table in a coffee shop, where I can hang out and....uhhh...drink coffee and stuff.

Monday Part 2

Well.....it is done.

Today I did sign the offer letter. I was issued my ID badge (which I had to promptly turn in because I have not actually started yet). I did not have to get the badge today, but doing so means there is one less thing to do before I can start. Besides, it was not a hassle to get it done today. I had to go to the ID office anyway to turn in the paperwork for the second phase of the background check. Now, when I am called in to start all I have to do is speak to the payroll people to set up my deductions and stuff and pick up the badge. All in the same building.

The physical exam is not for high risk (police or corrections) or safety sensitive (firefighters, lifeguards, and so on). This means it will not be a big deal at all. Here is what I will have to look forward to:

1. Wizz in a cup - at least 60 mL. No problem here. I can give them a pint if need be.
2. Complete documents. This is the government - there is a lot of this to complete.
3. Audio. No problem. I can hear.
4. Vision. Once again, not a problem. I can see. I have new contact lenses.
5. Physical exam. I will have to drop trow and let it all hang out.
6. Pulmonary Function test - if required. I have no idea what this means. I do not think it will be required for me. And of it is, my heart works. It is beating now. I hope anyway.
7. Optional - Rectal/Pelvic exam. I think I will opt out of this one. But then again - free doctor! Maybe I will have the index finger test done just to have it done. On the other hand, fingers really do not belong up there.
8. PPD skin test. I do not have TB so this is no big deal.

The blood test is for high risk / security sensitive positions only. I will be able to go on assuming that by blood chemistry is OK.

Now for the semi-bad news. I have to list all medications and alcohol consumed in the 48 hours before the exam. I am not taking any prescription medication, and I will not take any over the counter stuff either - if my head hurts before the exam I will just deal with it like a tough guy. I am lazy and do not want to remember too much.

But then there is the alcohol. I have beer in the fridge, and some vodka and rum in the freezer. The rum and vodka are leftover from Sanibel. The beer is just here. Some of it is leftover vacation beer and some of it is not. Vacation beer is different from regular beer because it is OK to drink vacation beer in the morning.

Anyway, I did not want a beer before I read the form. But once I read it I thought that I could go for a beer now. I really could. It is hot outside, the beer is cold.

But I will not consume any of the stuff. I do not want to lie on my form, and I do not want to have to list that I had some beer either. So I will go without it. Not really a problem, I just think that it is funny that I was not even thinking about a beer before I found out that I could not have any for the next two days. The human brain is a funny thing. And the truth is that even if the form did not say anything, it is unlikely I would have had a beer. I do not drink very much when I am just hanging out at home. Six packs have been known to last 2 weeks or more in the fridge.

So there it is. I wanted to do the physical tomorrow, but it was not possible. I will just have to wait. I hope to start one week from today. It is possible that I can get the final paperwork with payroll finished on Friday - depending on how fast they process my pee. I would like to take care of business on Friday, because that means I will not have to do it on Monday. I will start one day sooner.

Monday Part 1

It is Monday. It is 1:09 AM. I suppose I should sleep, but as it turns out this is not going to happen. I should not have slept till 1:30 PM on Sunday.

I hope to get the call that part 1 of the background check is finished in about 8 hours. Then I can drive to the phantom building to pick up more paperwork and sign an offer letter.

Then the fun begins! The County will require a physical exam. Blood will be extracted, x-rays will be taken, some kind of treadmill will be used, and all sorts of other things. A treadmill? What am I, some kind of gerbil?

Seriously, I do not know about the treadmill. But I have a friend who has held two County jobs - once with Corrections and once with Parks And Recreation. The corrections department job was law enforcement, the parks job was fairly low level. Both required a similar physical. The procedure took 2 days. I could be in for the same thing. I will not know what will be involved until I am given "the packet". Anything the government does requires "the packet". Public sector employees will know what I am talking about. The thicker "the packet" is, the more stuff I will have to do.

But this is OK, I suppose. I want this job, and if I have to loose some blood that is just the way it is. It is just that I do not like needles. Or empty vials that need to be filled with my blood. What does my blood have to do with the airport anyway? Am I being hired by Dracula or Dade County?

But there is also a positive side to all this. I have not seen a doctor since my wisdom teeth had to be removed - about 10 or so years ago. I have been meaning to get a physical done, but you know how it is. Things like this are easy to put off. Besides, manly men do not see a doctor unless they have a power tool accident, drink too much beer and tell their friends to "Watch this guys! This will be cool!", or try to get into the record books by doing something that involves a motorcycle.

So anyway, free doctor visit! Free! I do not have to pay anything! Except maybe for parking at the hospital, but that is not a problem. Free doctor! Always have to look for the good stuff.

And if I do have to get on a treadmill, I am going to request a water bottle. And some plastic tubes I can crawl through. And woodchips. Lots and lots of woodchips. Ceader, not pine. And I want to watch TV while I am on the thing. And afterwords, I want a soda - extra fizzy.

If things go well, and there is no reason for me to expect anything will not go well, I could start late this week or early next week.

Enough With The Heavy Crap!

Today, I will not try to change the world using the awesome and unlimited power of this blog. Oh wait, did I say awesome and unlimited power? I think I meant to type miniscule and ineffective power of this blog. Heavy stuff is ok, but only in very small doses. And I know my reading public demands that I make with the funny stuff. So I will. Put a cork in it already!

First, I want to share with you a great site. I like huffing it up every day - and you can enjoy the same! You do not even have to buy any spray paint! Just go to Natalie Dee's site. This person makes doodles, which are funny. Sometimes she uses foul language. Anyway, here is an example of one of her doodles.

I stole this doodle from her site. If you do not know what a glory hole is, just use your dirty mind to figure it out. The stolen doodle is clickable, or if that does not work just CLICK HERE to go to her site. Every weekday (and on some weekend days) there is a new doodle.

In other news, I almost rammed someone off the street today. I was driving home from Pep Boys after buying some fuel stabilizer for the boat, and some asshat threw a plastic bottle out of their car window. The litterbug was the passenger. I was in the perfect place to P.I.T. the guy (that is when you smash into the back of a car and cause it to spin out). If my truck was not a 2002 model, and if the street was not clogged with innocent drivers, I might have done it. I did manage to scrawl down the litterbug's license place. Here is it.

U46 IYV. This is a real plate. License plate info is public information in Florida, now anyone who reads this can find out who the car is registered to and their address. If I had this info I would post it here, and encourage everyone to mail the guy a box of trash. And if you live in Miami, and you see a car with this plate on the street, flick off the driver. He is an asshat.

If I had my way, there would be no fine for littering. Anyone found to be guilty of littering would have their property declared a public dump site. You want to throw your garbage all over town? No problem! The town will be able to concentrate all their garbage in your living room. If this would happen just once I would load up my rather large flatbed trailer with all the trash I could locate and dump it on a lawn.

I hate people who litter on purpose. There is no good reason to throw trash out of your car window. Just set it aside and properly dispose of it when you can. I do this all the time. It is really not a big deal.

Wait a minute! The above litter rant was border line serious! Now that I think about it - the rant WAS serious. I really do hate litterbugs, and I really do think that if you litter I should be able to dump trash in your yard.

So back to the funny. Here is some more stuff I ripped off, but I will claim it as my own material this time. Some of it is actually my material, and some I ripped off. You will have to figure out which is which.

Here are some ways to get people to leave you alone:

1. Run naked through a mall yelling "killer bees! killer bees!"
2. Put a Slinkie around your neck and try to walk down the stairs backwards headfirst.
3. Take lots of pills. One of them might work.
4. Try to imagine Gomer Pile in a gay bar attempting to get lucky. Do this without laughing.
5. Moon a funeral.
6. Streak a church service.
7. Find the person who said Pauly Shore should star in movies. Do not be surprised if it is the same guy who said John Gacey should work with children.
8. During and IRS audit, staple the guy's hand to his desk.
9. Play go fetch with a seeing eye dog while it is working.
10. Try to touch your forehead with your tounge. You will probably fail, but many women will appreciate the effort.
11. Understand your conception was an accident. Your parents were drunk and wanted a few more laugh before they passed out.
12. Wish no ill will to anyone, unless you do not like them - then screw them, they are on their own.
13. Ask a Hells Angel if he is a woman, or has he always walked like that.
14. Roll around in a vat of honey, then kick a fire ant pile.
15. Go out in public wearing a heavy jacket in the summer, humming the "Mission Impossible" theme song.
16. Go to a pet store carrying a bag full of cardboard tubes and see if they will sell you a dozen gerbils.
17. Ask the dollar store people what they have on sale.
18. Take your cat to Wal-Mart. Tell people that you are going to let your cat pick out some toys, then try out some litter boxes.
19. Smoke catnip, just to see what the cops will do about it.
20. Get a neon sign for your car that says "Student Driver". See how many people leave a large space for you in traffic.

And finally, to all the fine public educators in Florida - enjoy your last day of summer. You know what Monday is.

Clarification

Yesterday, I posted about Arthur Teele and the incident in the lobby of The Miami Herald. But I think my post was misunderstood. This could be due to the way I wrote it. Anyway, here is part 2.

I do not think that it is good that Teele killed himself. I think that the action was tragic, and a terrible blow to his family and close friends. It was the final act of desperation from a man who was cornered, and did not know what to do. Nobody really deserves to be driven to suicide just because they are crooked.

But I will not retract from my main point, that it is NOT the fault of the media. The local papers were doing their job, reporting on news. And a County Commissioner that gets pulled over and police dashboard cameras record him making threats to an officer is news. And so is a local politician found with not only his hand in the cookie jar, but his entire body in the cookie jar. Only his feet were sticking out.

The New Times, a free paper that allows its writers to really dig deep into a story, was going to publish a feature about the man's personal life. This is what drove him over the edge. But if you choose a high profile public job - that is going to happen. The rules change for you. You are hired by the general public, therefore the general public will want to know about stuff. Kind of like the way your boss can find out the chemical content of your pee-pee on demand.

But IF Teele was honest, or mostly honest, none of this would have happened. Any false charges made against him could have been turned into incredible political power by the man. He could have challenged the "evidence", and watched it all crumble like dust before him. Once that happened, he would have been an unstoppable force in Dade County - the ONLY honest politician in the entire state. But, this is not the case.

I am a public employee. I am in the public school system certified by Florida to teach. I am going to be working for Dade County starting next week. It is very clear to me what this means. My personal life IS an issue. If I get arrested, for any reason, I must report it to the school board AND now Dade County within 48 hours. No matter what the arrest is for, or even if I am guilty or not I must report it. If I get a "Promise To Appear" notice for a misdemeanor, I have to report that as well. While my case is being sorted out, I can be suspended without pay. This is what it means to have a position of public trust. If I am to be trusted with other people's children, or with access to secure areas of a major airport, I have to be held to this level of scrutiny. If I do not like it - well I am in the wrong field.

Elected officals should expect the same and more. Their position is of a very high trust level.

So, I feel very bad for Teele's family. I really do. But I can not blame the newspaper. I can not blame reporters. I can not blame the police, or anyone else involved with the investigation.

And the worst part is that Teele did a lot of good things. He stood up to devlopers that wanted to loot inner city areas, displacing the poor. He made the County address the needs of many people who were otherwise overlooked. He was a supporter of not paving over history to make a new parking lot. But, as it turned out - this is not what he will be remembered for. And it was all his doing.

Only Say Good Things!!

I do not know how much national coverage this story got, and I doubt that it was even a blip on the international radar - but in Miami it is a big deal.

Former Miami and Dade County Commissioner Art Teele killed himself last week. He spattered his brains all over the lobby walls of The Miami Herald. Needless to say, when a high profile politician shoots himself in the lobby of a major newspaper, it results in some headlines.

For those of you who do not live here, Art Teele was a crook. Just google his name and read some stories yourself. He was found guilty of accepting bribes, there are audio recordings of him making threats to police officers, he pulled strings so companies he had a stake in got fat county contracts - even if his companies were not the low bidder, and there are even reports from a free paper (which by the way has an excellent reputation for accurate in-depth investigative reporting) that Teele was involved with male and female prostitutes, drugs, and all sorts of other things.

There was nothing good about this man. He was a crook that STOLE MILLIONS from taxpayers. He killed himself because he was going to serve jail time, and could not deal with that fact. He was not going to get away with it.

Teele was able to stay in office mainly because he played the race card on voters. Teele was a black man, and represented areas where there are a lot of black voters. His supporters did not want to hear any bad things about him, they were convinced he was doing positive things for them. Not that Teele was the only crook in office, it is just that the other crooks would move on to bigger and better things, or the bad press would cause them to loose an election so some other crook could take over.

but after Teele killed himself, people protested. What did they protest? Who did they blame? Whose fault was all of this? Obviously it was the newspaper! Had the newspaper just not printed anything, Teele would still be alive today! How DARE the media to report news! The man is dead now, and it is their fault.

People have protested both the Miami Herald and the New Times. They have protested the police. They have protested the State Attorney. Basicly, anyone who had anything to do with the investigation into Teele are being blamed for his suicide.

Another thing being said is that ONLY good things should be said from this point on, because Teele has children. Excuse me?!?! We should not say that the man was a crook who STOLE from the public because he has kids? We should lie, and cover up the truth, and condemn the media, because of what?!?!

The people who are protesting are also victims here - their tax money was stolen too. But they do not see this. I do not know what they see, but apparently it is something not in line with reality. The man they voted for and supported WAS A CROOK, and still would be a crook if he had not blown his brains out. And Art brought all this on himself by being a crook, NOT the newspaper. Had the man choose an honest life, he would have never been under investigation.

But forget all that. We should only say good things about him now. We should forget the rather long list of bad things.

And if Hitler had children, what then? Would the same logic apply, or would it be OK to print the truth about him?

I think this is bullcrap. Just because you die does not mean you deserve a flowery eulogy from everyone. Anything good he did (not everything he did was bad) was wiped out by his criminal activity. He made his own legacy, not the newspaper.

Bush On Science.

This is just too good to ignore.

Bush has gone on record as saying schools should give the "Intelligent Design" theory equal time to other theories. He also couragously stood up for yet another baseball player suspended for using roids, and claimed he did not know how his Supreme Court nominee would rule on anything. The article is HERE.

Come on Mr. President - sucking up to roid junkie baseball players? I thought illegal drugs were bad or something? I am so glad I do not have kids. How do you set a good example for them? When you tell kids the importance of good grades, they VERY QUICKLY point out that the Preident never got good grades. And athletes on illegal drugs never go to jail, and get to keep all their millions of dollars. And if you are loyal to your Godfather (this is for you Karl Rove), you can break the law and compromise national security and nothing happens to you.

But all this is not the main point. This "equal time" crap is.

The National Academy Of Science has concluded there is no scientific basis in intelligent design. They go one step further by saying that the claim of equity reflects a basic misunderstanding of what science is.

It is very simple. Science is NOT the act of making up a theory and calling it scientific. Science is based on testable methods. You come up with a theory, then design ways to test that theory.

Creationism, which intelligent design is, deals with SUPERNATURAL forces. The prefix "super" means above or beyond - but science begins and ends with the NATURAL world. Anything above or beyond the natural world is outside the realm of real science. Nothing supernatural is testable with scientific methods, so therefore NONE OF IT BELONGS IN A SCIENCE BOOK.

But the fanatical christian movement hates science, and the natural world. They choose to ignore all of it. They will claim that caveman bones belong to apes with arthritis, or that dinosaur bones belong to elephnats or whales. MODERN whales and elephnats mind you. And those other bones that get dug up that can not possibly be modern animals? Satan put them here to confuse you.

And why stop with the Jewish / Christian account of creation? Should science books also include the Greek / Roman account of creation? Or the Native American version of the story? Or how about the Norse version? Of course not! All ancient accounts that are not from the bible are myths! We all know that!

As a former science teacher, this is all VERY disturbing. Kids already have a hard enough time with the subject, without inserting political BS into it. Giving mythology (I apply the word mythology to all ancient stories, regardless of the book they happened to come from) equal standing to science is simply the wrong thing to do.

I agree with the Academy. It reflects a basic misunderstanding of what science really is. It is an attack on the subject by people who do not really understand what science is. Science is NOT out to simply disprove the bible, science is only interested in explaining what can be observed using testable methods. But religion IS out to destroy science. The only crime science committed was to dare to set the bible aside, and search for other answers using logical, reasonable, and testable methods.

And Mr. Bush, feeling the need to suck up to the exangelical right, wants to help them in their quest. I doubt that the president knows very much about science. He could not even define the word. And if you want to test my theory, I give you the link at the top of this post. Bush's own words.

Dealing With The Government

Yesterday was fun and exciting.

I was supposed to show up at my current job at noon. I called to let them know I was going to be a little late, as I had to go to the airport to get the ball rolling on my county job. My current job is a part time deal, and was just for the summer anyway. Monday school starts again, so summer is over. The timing on this was perfect. I guess this means I will not go back to education.

Anyway, my appointmet with the HR people was at 10:30, so I figure that I would be an hour or two late at the most. No big deal right? Heck, they would probably not even notice I was late.

So I went off to find the phantom building. The address given to me suggested that I could access the building from NW 36 ST. Well, this was not the case. I actually had to access the building from NW 74 AVE. And the cross street was this unmarked side access road to the back area of the airport. So after three or four illegal U turns, I found the place.

Then I filled out the paperwork to begin the background check. No big deal, I went through one of these for the School Board (I did serve time as a teacher in Miami-Dade County Public School System). There will be two checks, one on the County level and one on the Federal level. Again, not a big deal as I used to work for the Feds before I tried teaching. I have never done anything so my background is squeeky clean. Not even any unpaid parking tickets.

Then I had to go to the airport parking garage, because that is where the fingerprint office is. They have these SUPER COOL laser finger print machines now. No more ink! The scanner makes high resolution digital images of your prints. It takes almost no time at all and you do not walk out with the tell-tale "I got black ink on all my fingertips, I am either a new job applicant or I just escaped from jail" thing.

But, I needed a fingerprint appointment - which I did not have. But because my paperwork said I was in process to be hired by the County aviation department, they squeezed me in.

Then I had to pay for my parking, which cost me $12. Nobody could validate my parking slip, even if I was there on County business. No big deal, but I did find some amusement in the whole thing. Every government job I have had cost me something. The school board made me pay for my fingerprinting and my pee test. The federal job required me to pay parking at the training facility, and to use the airport employee lot. Private sector jobs never cost me a dime to accept.

Anyway, at this point it was a little after 2 PM, so I called in to say I would be later than I expected. Then I had to run home to get the information I needed to fill out the paperwork for the federal level BG check. Then I had to drive back to the phantom building and turn in everything. My paperwork is now in process. All the running around means I can start sooner.

Anyway, I got to work at 5 PM, and worked the rest of my shift which ended at 7:30 PM.

Today, I get to go back to the phantom building to collect some of my paperwork. At 1 PM I have to sit through this pre-ID badge speech I already sat through once. After that I have to go back to the phantom building and return the paperwork. Then go to my current part time job. I will be late again today. But the boss knows so it is all good. I will help them out by staying late.

Hopefully, by Friday the County background check will be finished. Then I can get my ID issued (I think) and go for the physical. The physical will be an all day ordeal.

I hope to start training sometime next week!

Leaving the education profession behind is the best thing for me to do, but I kind of hate to do it. I liked teaching, but it is not an easy thing to do. You have to have excellent game. You have to be a world class manager, the best customer service agent in the world, a super cop, a drill sargent, and have the patience of Ghandi - all at the same time. People who can do all this will forever have my highest level of respect. I could not pull it off.

And as for celebrity executives, they are just clowns. Yo Donald Trump - do you think you are a REAL leader? Do you think you can truly manage people? Do you think you have what it takes to hack it in the REAL WORLD? Try teaching. And not at the college level, to a bunch of grad students who will try to brown nose you for a job later. Go teach at an urban public middle school. I will bet you that muskrat you call hair that you can not make it.

Airport Job Part 3 - Moving On

The airport called me back this morning at 8:30 AM local time and offered me the position. Of course, I accepted it. Normally I am cranky when I am called at 8:30 AM, but in this case I managed to stay upbeat and positive.

Today I have to go get fingerprinted and stuff so the background check can begin. I also have to take a physical (I have no idea what that will be like), and of course wizz in a cup.

I will start sometime next week, depending on how long the background check takes.

Do not forget to read my other post for today, titled "Too Many Chiefs, Not Enough Indians".


Photo stolen from Google Images. Do I feel guilty? NOPE!

Too Many Chiefs, Not Enough Indians.

Going back to work was not too bad today. Really. After about 10 minutes, I was back to my usual speed, which is just fast enough to not get canned.

Actually, that is not true. I put forth my best effort to do the best job that I can. That is all you can really expect from people. I hate it when some dumb ass manager says "give 110%". It is almost like they went to the special management school, and still failed math.

YOU CAN NOT GIVE MORE THAN 100%! If you can not come up with something more intelligent to say than pure dribble, just keep your mouth shut. It is better for me to think you are an idiot than it is to open your mouth and prove it.

At my first "real job", a bunch of managers and supervisors would use meaningless catch phrases lile "give 110%" or "do your best, then go further". While this might have worked in the military (and I do not see how it could, even in the Army 2+2=4), it did not work at all in the workplace. It did not motivate me to do anything, other than assume that my boss won a gold medal in the Special Olympics at some point in time. Oh, and it motivated me to seek some other job.

But all this is not my main point today. I wanted to vent about another of life's useless inventions, the committee.

I am in a radio club which meets the first Monday of every month. This club puts on a rather large trade show of sorts once a year. The budget for the event is actually fairly large. Things are sort of on track, but not really. It seems like this is fairly normal.

The problem is that nobody can fart without a committee vote. Not even a little squeaker fart. And there are key people that MUST be present for any business to be conducted.

My job in the club is to keep track of the minutes. A whole lot of old business was discussed, as was a whole lot of new business. But was ANYTHING accomplished? Not really.

It amazes me that large businesses can accomplish anything. Managers LOVE committees. When you are on one, you can always hide from work, or simply vote to put things off. When nothing is done, just pick someone or something to blame everything on. The committee can vote that the pine tree on the corner is to blame for everything - and that is it! It is the pine tree's fault! Or the rock! Blame the rock! Or better yet, and this takes a committee full of experienced master ninjas - blame another committee! Chances are that other committee will never get around to voting to bounce the blame back to you.

I have seen the same problem over and over and over. Everyone wants to be a chief, nobody wants to be an indian. As for me, I am electricity. I seek the shortest path to ground with the least resistance. Being a chief is all well and good, but there is also comfort in being an indian. First off, if you loose a battle it is not your fault! You were just doing what Chief 110% told you to do!

But that is just me. And in case you are wondering, the answer is yes. I will gladly do what the boss says, even if I know that by doing so disaster is bound to take place. I just cover my tracks and make it clear I am following orders, like a good team player. After all, what if I am wrong and by not doing what the boss says things turn out bad? There is a reason why the boss is the boss and you are not! In theory anyway.

Besides, someone has to actually do the job. Imagine how the city would smell if it was left up to managers to collect the trash.

Back To Work

Today, I have to go back to work. Sunday was pretty much the final day of my vacation. The weekly dinner with the group (always on a Sunday night) was at a place called Titanic. I like this place because I have a personal beer mug hanging behind the bar.

This is my personal beer mug. It has my name on it, and the number 12. It is a 20 oz mug, regular customers are served in pint glasses. And the pint glasses do not have a handle.

What you see in the mug is this stuff called "Old Gnarly Barley Wine". It is made from beer ingrediants, but it has a very high alcohol content, more like a wine than a beer. I think the Old Gnarly tops out at 11% alcohol by volume. Or maybe it is 9%. I can not remember. I had 2 of them over a course of 2 hours.

I really do not WANT to go back to work, but then again I do not really want to be broke either. I do not want to be broke more than I do not want to go back to work, so you know what that means.

In other news, I got a recall notice from Toyota. Something about the front ball joints in my truck. They could have been scratched by the manufacture process, and if this happens they wear faster and cause problems, like play in the steering, pulling to one direction, strange noises, or wheels falling off while you are driving. I do not think the joints in my vehicle are bad, but if I can get "improved" ball joints for free why not get them? It is not like it will cost me anything. The soonest I can get the truck to the dealer is Saturday, unless I want to get up really early and go through the hassle of shaking the dealer down for a rental car, which I do not.

And in OTHER other news, the title bestowed to me was obtained at THIS SITE. Do not steal my title, get your own!