Fun Ways To Waste Time

There are many ways to waste time on the internet. Now before "the web" internet porn was not really one of the ways to waste time. I am sure it was there, but it was not as easy to get to. Before the web everything was IRC (chat), FTP (files), or this silly thing called "Gopher" - which was like a text only version of the web without things like Google and stuff. The map of the entire internet would fit on a wall.

And yet, people still found ways to make do. In 1992 when I was at UF the big thing was "the purity test". If you Google for it you will probably find a bunch of versions. The test was something like 100 questions about all manners of deviant things, which you would rate yourself in a 1 to 5 scale type deal. Then you would do some math to come up with your pervert or holy score, depending on which way you wanted to go. You had to do the math because the test on the computer was text only. The higher your score the more pure you were.

When some fool brought this into the dorm I got past maybe 10 questions before the ADD kicked in and I lost all interest. 100 questions? Are you for real?

My preferred method of wasting time was playing Scorched Earth, a game which can still be found to this day! It was that good. Simple, yet destructive.

Today there are a billion similar tests. And many web based games. And of course, porn. The internet has become a vast sea of smut, with islands here and there that are not porn related. My little island is more like an Atoll - only above the mean water level at low tide. but my civil engineers are working on some sort of flood control device.

Anyway, this test keeps popping up on blogs and stuff.

YES! A political test. Click the graph to take it yourself. It is only 10 questions, and each question has but three choices. Yes, no, maybe. Pretty simple. And not too many questions so that people like me get bored.

With only 10 questions, and only three answers for each question, my chart came out fairly accurately. For me at least. I would have charted myself very closely to what the test came up with.

Now the really cool part is the statistics. Almost 9 million have taken the test. Now even if you take the test more than once "just to see what happens" if you answer yes or no to all the questions, or try to manipulate your answers so that a particular result comes up - 9 million is still a large sample.

Centrist 33.39 %

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Right (Conservative) 8.84 %

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Libertarian 32.66 %

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Left (Liberal) 17.22 %

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Statist (Big Government) 7.89 %

This is how people have scored so far. As can be expected, most respondents are centrists. And what is a centrist?

Middle of the road people. Depending on the issue, you may support either a more conservative or more liberal view.

But look at the numbers for conservatives! 8.84%. And yet, conservatives account for nearly HALF the power base. "Liberals" account for only 17.22%, not a majority of respondents but by far more common than those on the right. Statists account for the least common result.

But what about Libertarian? They are the second most common result, only slightly behind centrists. So why do they have no representation on the federal level?

The answer lies a little bit deeper. You have to fool with the test. If you agree with all the questions, you score 100% on both economic and social issues. If you disagree with them all you score 0% on both economic and social issues. A score of 100% on both charts you as a super duper libertarian. A score of 0% charts you as a super duper statist.

Now scoring 100% on economic issues suggests that you answered all the questions "correctly". Scoring 0% implies you got them all wrong. According to this test, the "correct" answer leads you to libertarian! Answering wrong sends you to the statist side, and a mix of correct and incorrect makes you everything else.

Statist bad, Libertarian good. By this test anyway. If I had to guess, I would bet my money that whoever made this test votes Libertarian. But that is just a guess.

Lazy Iguana, Monorail Operator.

Every since I was a little kid and first went to Walt Disney World here in Florida, I had a dream.

One day I would get to drive the monorail. Yes. Me. Drive the monorail.

Most people have dreams that go unrealized. But not me! Oh hell no. So when I saw that the Miami Metro Zoo had a part time opening for a zoo monorail operator, I knew this was my big chance for glory. This was my opportunity to drive the monorail.

Now this is NOT the ultimate monorail like they have in Walt Disney World. Those are the Mac-Daddy of the monorail world. They hold more people and go a lot faster than the zoo monorail.

But you have to start somewhere. So I applied for the part time job. IF I am selected from the other highly qualified applicants, I will get to DRIVE THE MONORAIL and talk about the stuff the people riding bitch in the back of the monorail can see out of the windows. Here is a sample of some of the stuff I might get to say.

"Welcome to the monorail at the lovely Miami Metro Zoo. My name is Lazy and I will be your monorail driver today. This is the newest monorail in the zoo fleet because I wrecked the last one. I am the master of monorail chicken! I have never lost yet.

Anyway, just forget about my unfortunate accident last week. Only 20 people were seriously injured, and only one zoo tiger was killed. Speaking of tigers, there are some off to your left. And on the right is the African Lowland Gorilla. Wait a minute? Where is the male at? Usually he is right over there by that tree. OH CRAP!! HE ESCAPED AGAIN! OH NO, HE HAS A BABY! Oh this is just awful! Oh my God, the baby's head was just ripped off! There is baby blood and guts everywhere! Oh folks, this is even worse than the last time this happened! OH NO! Now he is using the baby's intestines to strangle the mother! I hope he does not start throwing body parts at the monorail again! I hate cleaning all that gore off the windows."

Or something like that. I may have to modify my monorail tour speech slightly. But the important thing is I will get to drive the monorail. Yes. Me. Driving a monorail. A dream fulfilled.

And now a little about the place that I MAY get to work in. The Miami Metro Zoo.

* 81 Exhibits
* 3 Miles around if walked
* 740 Acres total
* 300 Acres developed
* 1,306 Specimens (total on site)
* 392 Inverts
* 428 Fishes
* 10,000—15,000 Italian honey bees

You know the honey bees are Italian because of the excessive amounts of body hair. And the speedos. And the little fancy bee sports cars.

Anyway, I would be good at this part time job. And being part time, it will not cramp my style. It will fit in with the full time job I am getting very close to securing (it takes FOREVER for things to happen with civil service jobs). I can have my real job during the week, and work at the zoo on the weekends. Either one or two days. It really does not matter.

I have always thought it would be bad ass to work at the zoo. It would be fun. Hell, I would do this for free! But if they insist on paying me $10.70 an hour then who am I to argue? 5 hours a week will pay for my gas. That is not too bad.

But mostly, it would be fun. The chump change they offer as pay is not really a motivating factor here. The motivating factor is the free zoo admission, the snazzy zoo uniform (complete with a cool pith hat safari deal), I get to drive a real monorail, and I get to tell people what critters they are looking at - and make up / remember real fun facts about said critters.

Oh yea, and if I play my cards right and make friends with the reptile curator, I might get to feed a real live Komodo Dragon - my favorite of all the monitor lizards! Maybe they will let me bring Max the official monorail lizard to work with me.

Microchip For Max? Lawn Care.

The State of Florida is considering new rules for exotic reptiles which are considered a threat to wildlife.

The covered species includes several types of python (Burmese, reticulated, African rock and amethystine pythons), the green anaconda, and the Nile Monitor lizard. Owners of the above listed reptiles will have to apply to the Florida Department of Fish and Wildlife for a permit, get a microchip implanted in their reptiles, and allow state inspectors to check out the reptile cages.

This is a Nile Monitor. Three guesses where these guys are native to! Go on - guess! HINT - the common name of this lizard is the NILE Monitor. This is not because they are found in the Mississippi River. So if you guessed the Nile Monitor is from the Nile River area of Africa - you are right!

The Nile Monitor, in addition to being a nice looking lizard, loves the water. They are known to be aggressive, and for the most part make bad pets. They can get to be 7 feet in length, and did I mention they like water and swampy areas? When these guys get loose, they would be very happy in the Everglades, eating alligator and bird eggs. In fact, in their Nile River home these lizards are known to eat crocodile eggs. Nile crocks are VERY mean! Way meaner than any Florida alligator. So a colony of Nile Monitors could cause problems to native species in the Everglades.

But in a battle between an adult alligator, the Nile Monitor would not stand a chance.

The snake species ARE a danger to Florida, and should have been regulated LONG AGO. I do not think it should even be legal to own a Green Anaconda! Anacondas can get to be 30 feet!!!! Who the hell can properly care for a snake that big? A 30 foot snake would need a cage AT LEAST 40 x 40 feet in size! That is one hell of a large room! So I think it should be ILLEGAL to own an anaconda. Unless you are the Miami Metro Zoo. For that matter, the Miami Metro Zoo does not even have a damn anaconda! So should some jackass be able to own an anaconda? Hell no!

Anyway, the State of Florida is getting ready to regulate pythons, anacondas, and the nile monitor. I think that boas should also be added to the list.

This is a Savannah Monitor. Max looks just like this. Savannah Monitors can get to be 5 feet in length, and are known for their docile temperament. As for as lizards go, Savannahs make good pets. They are from semi-arid regions of Africa, south of the great sand belt commonly known as the Sahara Desert. They CAN swim, but they do not like to. The Nile Monitor has a tail that is flat, for swimming. A Savannah Monitor's tail is round, but there is a ridge that runs down it. Nile Monitors have the same ridge, but it is more pronounced.

Now I was thinking of getting a Nile Monitor. I can properly care for such an animal. I could build a sweet Nile Monitor cage - complete with a lizard pool and stuff. Totally escape proof. If I am going to do this, I guess I better get on the ball! Cause soon I will have to apply for a permit, answer some questions, pay a pet lizard tax, get a microchip for the lizard so it can be traced to me if it is found in the wild, and have the lizard cage inspected by the wildlife po po.

Max is hanging out with me right now. He is a little bit on the cold side, so I am acting as some sort of lizard hot rock. Max does not want a microchip! Max does not want the wildlife po po to come and inspect his home without a warrant!

Max is not on the list of species proposed for regulation - but I expect him to get added to the list at some point. Whatever. It needs to be done. Max has a nice cage. I sort of know stuff about Savannah Monitors. I could pass a lizard handling test if I needed to. Max's cage would pass an inspection. It is large enough and escape proof.

So, it is all good. It is about time Florida did something about exotic reptiles! Too bad it took a population of pythons living and breeding in the Everglades to get law makers off their ass to do something.

Right now to buy a python in Florida all you need is a few hundred bucks. No questions. Nobody will ask if you can handle and care for a snake that can get to 15 feet in length and weigh several hundred pounds. I have seen IDIOTS buy these animals for their children.

So I am in favor of the proposed regulations. Even if Max ends up being included.

And now, LAWN CARE TIPS!

Some of you commented on my lovely lawn. It CAN NOT be killed, and never stops growing. This means constant mowing is required. It sucks ass.

Anyway, how do I keep the lawn so green? Maybe with a sprinkler? No - I do not believe in sprinklers. They waste valuable water. Lawn irrigation should be illegal. Homes that have irrigation systems typically give their lawns MORE rain per square foot than the Amazon Rain Forest gets. What the crap!?!?!?

So maybe I fertilize the lawn. NOPE! Far too much work there. The only fertilizer the lawn gets is when some neighborhood dog shits on it. The cats more than likely shit on the lawn too, but they hide the evidence so I never step in it. Cats rule.

So maybe I pay someone to spray it with chemicals to kill bugs? Now that is funny. Are you INSANE?!?!?! Pay someone to spray chemicals on the lawn? No way.

So what do I do? Nothing. Not a damn thing. My secret to lawn care is to let it grow! You see, for the most part grass roots grow about as far into the ground as it grows above the ground. So if you are one of these people who mow their lawn (or hire Mexicans to mow your lawn) every week you are KILLING your lawn! The roots will not be very deep, and your grass will be unhealthy and vulnerable to drought. Spraying your lawn with chemicals kills the chinch bugs, but it also kills worms and other good things. So spraying is also bad.

If you want a healthy lawn do nothing to it. Plant a tree to shade it from the harsh summer sun. Let it grow, so the roots run deep. Do not water it daily, so the grass will send the roots even deeper into the ground in search of water.

Your lawn will be resistant to dry spells (to a point, tree shade really helps there), resistant to bugs, and be pretty much maintenance free. Healthy roots make for a healthy lawn. So do nothing. I am a HUGE fan of xeriscaping.

When We Say "Higher Education" We Do Not Mean Get High

NEWARK, New Jersey (AP) -- Two former roommates who set a dormitory fire that killed three students at Seton Hall University were sentenced to five years in prison Friday after listening to the victims' relatives reject their apologies and call them murderers and cowards.

It seems these two intellectual giants decided that it would be a good "prank" to set a paper banner hanging in a lounge on fire. And then run away when the fire got out of control. But can you blame these two for NOT knowing that a fire can spread from a banner to other things? Was there a warning sticker saying not to set the banner on fire?

Or maybe when I lived in a dorm at University of Florida I was just doing the pranks all wrong. At the time I thought that a "prank" was taking nylon twine and tying the doorknobs on two doors on opposite sides of the hall together. You see, the doors opened inwards. So if you tied the doorknobs together tightly so there was little or no slack it was funny cause the doors could not be opened. A variation of this is to tie ALL the doors together in a zig-zag manner. If done right, nobody can open their door.

And then there was the "shaving creme in a bag" prank, where one would fill a paper bag with shaving creme, very gently stick the open end of the bag under a door, take a long running start and jump on the bag - shooting the shaving creme all over the place. Also works with accordion folders or anything else similar.

And if you really wanted to be geeky in a science kind of way, you could freeze a couple of cans of shaving creme (the more the better), cut open the cans (the creme is now a frozen can shaped block) and then throw it in someone's dorm room trash can. If the can was already mostly full of trash (they usually were) the creme would defrost and then expand. If the trash was already full enough, it would be funny cause the creme would foam out of the garbage and create a mess someone else had to clean up.

There was also the "room invasion where you would flip the dorm beds upside down" prank. And of course, there are these pranks.

ROOM CHANGE- This one involves gaining access to another person's room, and moving the entire contents of it to another location on campus. A lot of work, but worth it.

I SEE YOU- This is one that has been found to work at some dorms. With a little
effort, you can actually reverse the eye-hole on the doors to rooms. Stand back and
watch the show.

PAPER BALLS- Again you must first gain access to someone's room. Once in, fill up
the entire room with crumpled up paper balls. A LOT of work, requires a lot of people to pull off, kills a lot of tress - but so worth it.

Or, if you are super evil...

FUN WITH ICE TEA- This one might take several people to pull off. Take a large
plastic garbage can (usually several in each dorm), and fill it with water. Then add a liberal amount of ice tea mix. Take the can and lean it against someones door,
and knock. NOTE - this "prank" crosses the line! NOT COOL DUDE! However, the next prank is a classic that never looses its humor value IF done right!

BLOODY FINGER- This one works if your dorm has showers with troughs. Take a fake
severed finger and some red food coloring. Float them both down the trough, and scream. The earlier in the day, the better the result. Requires a good actor and a lot of cursing. If done right, this one is hard to top.

Anyway, the point is NONE of these plots involve fire. In my vast life experience I have come to learn that "fire" and "college dorms" do not mix well. Nothing good EVER comes from that.

Case and point. It was the end of the 1992 Summer B term at the University Of Florida. I had a dope fresh RARE single room in Weaver Hall, which during the Fall and Spring terms is (or was) the honors dorm but during the summer short terms they let us ruffians crash in the place.

Anyhow, being the end of the term some of us had already finished finals, and some had not. My finals were ALL on Monday and Tuesday, but my parents were not going to come get me till Friday. Anyway, with nothing to do (no finals!!), unlimited time, and access to beer someone smuggled in the dorm the people done with finals decided that it was OK to cut loose. So we were out playing pool and stuff till the student union closed and kicked us out. Then the group goes back to the dorm for more drinking.

But when we get to our floor everyone is all like "SHHHHH! I have finals tomorrow!" so we could not play hockey in the halls. There was nothing to do but sit in the lounge, play penny poker, watch TV, sneak off to drink beer, and smoke it if you had it.

But this was not good enough! OH NO! Someone went and got a deodorant spray can (Right Guard). Someone else got a lighter. Now when I saw the Right Guard can AND a lighter I figured it was time to bail. So I went back to my room because NOTHING GOOD ever comes from those two objects together at the same time in a college dorm.

Now this is the funny part - so I hope everyone is still with me here!

I get to my room, take off my shoes, turn out the lights, sit on the bed.....and the fire alarm starts to scream. Suddenly my room is a disco, cause the fire alarm strobe light is doing its thing.

OH SHIT! Those ass clowns did it! So I open my door. Sure enough, there is smoke in the halls. So I put my shoes back on and step into the hall.

What someone did (and I never knew exactly who it was - I went to my room before the crazy shit went down) was spray Right Guard on one of the doors, then set fire to it. One too many times. The door caught fire just a little, and when they put it out the smoke set off the alarm.

So I start to knock on doors, you know just in case the screaming alarm and strobe light show did not wake everyone up. Then I went down the stairs and exited the building.

Now picture this. Here I am fully clothed. WITH sneakers. Obviously I was not sleeping before the alarm went off. There were hotties with that blue shit on their face, chicks with curlers in their hair and a plastic shower cap thing, chicks with BOTH the blue shit and curlers, people wearing PJs, people without shoes, shirtless dudes, people who were clearly and beyond any doubt sleeping, and then there was me. Fully clothed, fully awake, aware of what was going on, and not even a little bit asleep.

Looking guilty as hell.

So anyway, the fire department shows up. And the cops. Everyone can see that the cops and FD are concentrating on the third floor. My floor. And here I was looking all awake and fully clothed and shit. Now I am feeling just a little bit like a hippie in a red neck bar. You know, about to get my ass kicked. EVERYONE knew I was one of "those third floor guys", that I was apparently not sleeping, that it was finals week and some of them had finals in the morning, that it was 2 AM, and I am wearing all my clothes which means I was not "busy".

One of the hottie chicks with the blue shit on her face hissed at me "what the fuck did you do asshole?" Such ugly language, from such a pretty face (under all that blue shit). I tried to explain that I did nothing, that I know nothing, and that I was in my room when the alarm went off. I said that when I saw certain items in the same place at the same time I removed myself from the situation.

Nobody believed me. People started to point.

Almost two hours later, the FD let people back in the dorm. But not the third floor. We were all sent to the lounge on the first floor. We were there for about a half hour before being allowed to go back. I gave my version of the story to the FD, without fingering anyone. See, I saw nothing. So who was involved? Beats me! I was not there. I ain't no snitch! I saw nothing.

Snitches are bitches. Plus, I really saw nothing! To this day, exactly who did what is unknown to me,

There was no damage to any University property.

I think they did eventually find out who did what. At least the people in the building did.

The hottie with the blue shit on her face never did apologize to me for her rude comment.

Anyway, the moral of the story is that college dorm pranks are fun, and a right of passage. They are as old as college dorms are, and steeped in ritual and tradition. You are either the one pulling off the pranks, or the one being pranked. Nobody is safe, not even the R.A.

But fire is off limits! "Prank" and "fire" never belong in the same sentence. Those guys should have probably received longer sentences. Someone was killed as a result of their "prank" and someone else was horribly burned. Some "prank" there jackasses!

Finished Project

So some of you may be wondering what my bike stand project looks like. Well guess what? I remembered I have a digital camera! So there will be pictures.

I used 3/4 inch galvanized "nipple pipe", which is available at anyplace that sells plumbing supplies. The nipple pipe is threaded on both ends, and all the T and elbow fittings are also threaded, so everything uses screw together technology. Pretty simple stuff really.

This is the stand, in all its glory. Notice how it is painted red. Also notice the 2x4 planks, which were cut with the CHOP SAW! I love that thing. It makes chopping wood planks as easy as cutting butter. Truly, the man who invented the chop saw needs a holiday named after him

This is the top of the stand. Notice how it is also painted red. The black is electrical tape over this silicone mat thing from the kitchen crap section of Target. I cut sections of the mat to size, then wrapped it all up in electrical tape. This keeps the bike from getting scratched. So far it works. No new scratches.

And here is the stand doing its job. Holding the bike. The thing is stable as can be. In case you are wondering, it is attached to the 2x4 planks with pipe clamps and 8 nails.

Behold my works! Marvel at my engineering skills! Envy the snazzy red paint job!

I think the project is finished. Almost. I may paint the wood white. That would look bad ass.

Working In Mysterious Ways

A zoo in Manchester England is celebrating the hatching of some new Komodo Dragons. But not just ANY baby Komodo Dragons! These are special, because the mother lizard has never had any male contact. Yes, it is a lizard virgin birth. A miracle.

My spy sources snapped this photo. According to the article (click the link) other reptile species reproduce asexually in a process known as parthenogenesis. But Flora's virginal conception, and that of another Komodo dragon in April at the London Zoo, are the first documented in a Komodo dragon. DNA test prove that Flora The Dragon is the mother and father. But the babies are not exact clones. Strange huh?

The male dragons at the zoo are reported to be relieved that they are not the baby daddy. A zoo lizard does make a lot of money, so having half their paycheck garnished is not something they want. But at the same time, they are understandably upset. A pregnant virgin dragon is every male dragon's worst nightmare.

Now onto the next strange item of the day! Authorities investigating a 29-year-old sex offender suspected of repeatedly enrolling in schools as a 12-year-old boy said Thursday they seized a video showing him engaging in sex acts with a child. It seems the man was able to pass himself off as a 12 year old boy to two other adult sex offenders (who thought he was really a 12 year old boy) AND to staff members at a school. He attended school, enrolled as a 12 year old boy, for 50 days before being dropped for lack of attendance. During that time he raised no concerns.

WHAT THE CRAP!?!? Nobody caught on to this ruse? You would think that a "12 year old" who can do the Safety Dance would raise just a few concerns. I would be all like "Hey - how the hell do you know about Men Without Hats and Devo?". But whatever. This guy will have a good old time in jail! He will get passed around like the cold.

Finally, it seems that cab drivers at the Minneapolis - St. Paul International Airport are refusing to accept passengers who are carrying alcohol. It seems that about 3/4 of the 900 cabs licensed to service the airport are Muslim, and according to their faith they are forbidden from drinking, transporting, or buying and selling alcohol. They believe that if they accept a fare who is packing booze, they are sinning. As a result, some passengers have had to wait up to 20 minutes as cab driver after cab driver passed them by.

Airport officials are not sure what to do. At this moment, the CNN internet poll of 20,971 people (you CAN vote more than once - so how many of these are duplicate results is unknown) resulted in 14% (2872) saying "yes" and 86% (18099) saying "no" to the question "Should cab drivers be able to refuse passengers on religious grounds".

I can see both sides here. One one hand, we have freedom of religion in this nation. People are free to worship however they see fit - and (in theory) nobody can harass them for their beliefs. So if transporting alcohol is a violation of your religion - then that is the way it is! You have a right to ban alcohol from your car. And what if I own a store? In Florida, if I place a sign in the window that says "no concealed weapons" then guess what? Even if you have a permit to carry - you can not do so in my store. I suppose I could also refuse to allow booze in my store. What I CAN NOT do is ban people based on race, color, national origin, religion, height, weight, hair color, age, or whatever. But I CAN ban objects - so long it applies to everyone without regard to race, religion, national origin, etc and so on.

So can a Muslim cab driver ban alcohol from his "place of business"? Well, it is his cab.

But then again, I would be pissed if I was at the airport and the cab driver said I could get in, but not the duty free alcohol I had bought.

So I do not know what I would do either. What a mess for the Minneapolis - St. Paul International Airport people. Glad it is them and not me! There is no easy way for them to get out of this one. Religious freedom VS customer service. Forcing cab drivers to allow passengers with alcohol could result in a law suit. Banning Muslim cab drivers would be illegal. But pissed off passengers is also not good.

Storage Solution

I have had a storage problem for over a year now. You see, I bought a nice bicycle last December. It has an aluminum frame, front and rear disk brakes, indexed shifting, and stuff. I spent a decent amount on it - something like $550. A lot for a bicycle? Not really. It is on the low price scale for a high end bike. As opposed to a high price cheap bike. The next step up was almost $800.

Anyhow, for all that money there is no kick stand. Those are not manly. If you have a kick stand on your bike, other people will laugh at you. Kick stands are for cheap, low end, department store bikes.

Funny how that works huh? The less you spend on a bike, the MORE things it comes with to keep it from falling over and getting scratched. So I do not have a kick stand. And I do not want to go into the fancy bike store with the $5,000 carbon fiber super bikes (yes you still have to peddle them yourself) and ask for a non manly kick stand!

So I have been storing the bike by leaning it against stuff. There is a small storage room thing in the house that I use for this. There is a lot of crap in there to lean a bike against. What the hell is in all those boxes? I forget. It must be crap nobody needs, because nobody has gone looking through any of the boxes for anything in a long time. So if you are missing something and you can not find it - it may be in a mystery box here! Who knows!

Anyway, what I needed was a better system. Some sort of stand! A stand that supports the bike with the tires off the ground, so that I can make adjustments and stuff to it. Yea. That is what I need. A stand! A manly stand! Not some wimpy girlie non-manly kick stand thing! A storage stand that is also a repair stand, so that I can start to break stuff on the bike while trying to adjust/repair/maintain it.

So I made one. Out of 3/4 inch galvanized steel plumbing pipe. It uses screw together technology. It is strong as hell. And it only cost around $30 to construct. In theory it can be taken apart for easy transportation. It is pretty cool. I have to post photos of it sometime.

I am fairly happy with the end result. No more leaning!

Let the destruction begin!

State Of The Union Analysis - Lazy Style

So, did you watch the big speech? Huh? I did.

Sort of. I went to sleep. But while sleeping, I heard some of it. We need to keep supporting the troops - by keeping them there. And sending more. And sending them back for a second or third tour. What the hell, lets just tell them that they have to stay there till one of three things happen.

1. Peace happens, and Baghdad Disney is built.
2. They are killed in action.
3. They are injured so bad that they are no longer useful to the military.

Yea, that is supporting them. How does this guy sleep at night? It is just insane. The United States has never had a military coup - but maybe it is time to have one? One more surge and everything will be OK. Bush would have made an excellent used car salesman. One more brake pad and the car WILL stop! I know I said that about the last three or four brake pads and you still crashed - but this pad is special! It is made from magical materials!

I also understand (thanks to the talking heads on the news channels) Bush talked about the need for a better energy policy - one that can cut our oil consumption by 20% in the next 10 years. I guess he means 20% by TODAY'S numbers, not the numbers projected for 10 years from now? Who knows. And then there was the talk about doing something for people without health insurance. Other than just letting them get sick and die that is.

What the hell is that? Here is a goon who had a congress that never said no to him one single time in 6 years - and what has he done? What has he done for people without insurance? What has he done for an energy policy? What steps has he taken to reduce oil consumption? About the only thing he has done is to invade Iraq. He forgot all about Afghanistan. Things there are starting to fall apart. Taliban elements are back. And gaining strength. But we are so tied down in Iraq that there is nothing we can do in Afghanistan.

So excuse me Mr. President if I call bullshit on your little speech. I do not believe for one second that you meant a damn thing you said. You had 6 full years to do something, besides make things worse. And you only made things worse. You have done diddly squat in your time in office, and you had a House and Senate that never said no to anything! You had a one party state. You COULD HAVE done stuff - but you did not. The speech you gave was just more meaningless hot air coming from your noise hole.

Suddenly NOW you seem to want to work with the Democrats. At least that is how the speech sounded. Now why is that? Why now, and not in 2000? or 2001? Or 2002? What could it be that has changed things? Could it be that YOU KILLED YOUR OWN PARTY with your dumb assery? Could it be that even Republicans who were your biggest cheerleaders do not come over to play in your sandbox anymore? You ran in 2000 as someone who could work with people. Someone who could work with both parties. And you have gone at everything alone. With you or against you.

Well, most of the USA is against you. Your approval ratings are at Nixon levels. The United States reputation in the world is also at all time lows. It seems more people are against you than with you. That, Mr. President, shall be your legacy.

Everyone Must Follow The Law, Unless They Can Run With A Ball

As many of you know, I uncovered a Bush plot to fix the Super Bowl so New Orleans wins. But it seems that a Bush operative spy saw that I uncovered the plot, and in an attempt to discredit me and my vast spy network caused New Orleans to loose.

They would like to have to believe that my "vast spy network" is not a vast network of people, silently gathering intelligence and sending it to me - but more like crazy voices in my head that I think are other people.

Well let me assure you all. The vast spy network is real. I am like the colossal squid - living in the deep and cold waters of the Antarctic Ocean. Silently lurking in the darkness. Using my tentacles to probe the inky blackness. Unseen yet fully aware of everything.

The plot WAS real. But by uncovering it, I changed it. I could explain how this is possible, but it would involve quantum mechanics, and Erwin Schrödinger's cat being 50% alive and 50% dead at the same time.

But there is a NEW plot! This involves Tank Johnson, some football player for the Bears or some such crap.

This upstanding citizen who contributes so much to society that he deserves every single penny of his NFL salary was busted in a Chicago nightclub for packing a handgun. He was sentenced to 18 months probation and 40 hours of community service. Football did not count for community service.

Then in December, the po po raided Tank's crib and found a convicted felon, a "wholesale" quantity of marijuana (Tank never pays retail for his weed it seems), an a whole bunch of guns. Handguns AND a few "assault" rifles. Probably AKs, cause those are the most gangsta. Two days later the convicted felon was killed after he and Tank arrived at another nightclub known to be a gang hangout. This is clearly the fault of the po po, they took away all the guns and the pot! Had Tank's bodyguard had those items, he could have housed the gang members with some good weed then busted caps in all their asses with the AKs once they were stoned.

It was a shock to Tank Johnson to learn that when you are in probation for a gun crime, you are NOT supposed to hang out with convicted felons, have wholesale quantities of pot in your house, and have a bunch of guns. Tank also failed to pay a fine, preform the community service, and failed to do the drug and alcohol tests.

It seems that Mr. Tank does not thing he has to do what the Honorable Judge Whitey says he has to do. After all, he plays football! Why should he have to follow the rules?

If it were you or I who had violated probation in this manner - we would be in jail. But not this guy. For some reason.

Anyway, now Tank and his lawyers are going to ask Judge Whitey for permission to travel to Miami to play in the Stupid Bowl. But the judge is not playing games. He already set a bond of $100,000 for the probation violation. The usual bond for this is nothing to $1,000.

My spy sources say this judge is a hard ass. He ain't messing around. The judge will notice that Tank violated terms of probation twice - once for not paying the fine, doing the community service, and pissing in a plastic cup and AGAIN for the felon/pot/guns thing. Word on the street is that Judge Whitey will do what the case calls for, without regard to any NFL team.

But why should this upstanding citizen be allowed to travel out of State after violating probation? Do you think that if I were to violate probation a Florida judge would allow me to leave the State? Shit no. I would probably get one of those ankle GPS things and not be allowed to leave the County or even my own yard. No way I would be able to leave the State.

So what makes this goon think he can leave Chicago to go to Miami? Miami has ENOUGH thugs in it, we do not need any more. We do not want his ass here.

I hope the judge prevents the guy from leaving the State. Laws are laws. Everyone has to follow them. Even NFL players. Tank should have thought of the consequences BEFORE he decided to pack heat in the nightclub and violate probation twice. Now it is too late.

Things And Stuff

It is time for a things and stuff post! Who knows what this post will bring! It could be anything!

First on the agenda, I went on yet another Shark Valley bike ride! This time where were a whole lot of baby gators. And mama gators. But no daddy gators. The baby gator mamas all got restraining orders, or the daddy gator bailed and is currently wanted for back child support payments. That is how it is in the alligator world! But do not feel too bad - the mama gator only looks after the babies until she gets bored. Once the eggs hatch she sticks around for a few months. Then she feels cramped because she can not go out alligator clubbing with her single alligator chick friends anymore - so she bails out. And the babies are on their own. Then she gets knocked up all over again.

Next on the agenda! At Miami International Airport some quarterback or whatever was busted at a security checkpoint. Checkpoint G to be exact. I know this because I could tell where the local news reporter was. There is a Chilis Too Go there. And the reporter mentioned "Air Tran". They only fly out of G. G is not connected to anything else. So there!

By the way, Air Tran is like the cheapest airline that flies out of Miami. It is a bus with wings. The entire plane is coach class. You would think that the Atlanta Falcons quarterback could spring for a better airline. Guess not!

Anyway, that is not important. The guy had some sort of "water bottle". The water bottle was fake. It was made to look like a bottle of water, but the bottle came apart and you could hide stuff behind the label. The guy did not want to toss the water, and someone working for TSA probably recognized the dude. Now WHY would someone making all that phat money not want to toss out a measly $1 bottle of water? Cause it was a stash hiding spot!

So they pulled the bottle out of the trash and inspected it. They found a "speck" of something that "smelled like marijuana".

OK! Lets review here. A SPECK. That is not even enough to bother to put into a bowl and light up. It is less than a roach. SO WHAT!?!?! Now it was a good find, I mean ANYTHING could have been in the fake bottle. The local news reporter found some goon who said that "you can hide a gun or knife" in there. This is true but it would have to be a little gun or knife. And you would still have to get it past the metal detectors and/or x-ray machine. If you have a gun, TSA is going to nab you. It is that simple. So whatever. They found it because the football player made a big deal about having to chuck the bottle.

Anonymous reports have indicated that whatever it was - it was not pot. Or anything illegal. So this brings up another question.

Does ANYONE working for TSA there know what pot smells like? I know someone does. Someone ALWAYS knows. They may not admit it, or come out and say "hell yea I know what the chronic smells like" because that shit makes you get "randomly selected" to piss in a plastic cup. But if you gather 10 people, at least one knows very well that weed smells like. At least.

So what was it in that bottle? Who knows. It probably WAS pot. But due to the small amount, and the fact the dude is the Atlanta Falcons quarterback - the cops just decided it would be less hassle to throw out the evidence and forget about it. Bad press for the city, and just before the Super Bowl?! Can't have that. But I wonder how a "normal" person like you or I would have fared? What if it was YOUR bottle? Not really my bottle. I know enough to know that you can't take a water bottle past the checkpoint.

Last point - So much for my conspiracy theory. It seems that the Saints lost, meaning they can not win the Stupid Bowl. However, what this means is that this is a DOUBLE conspiracy theory! I uncovered the original conspiracy, so the people behind it changed the plan. Now the Saints loose, so everyone thinks New Orleans sucks ass, everyone moves out to live someplace nicer, the city can be turned back into wetlands, and Bush can claim a "major victory in the war on terror", and also claim to have "done more for the environment than Al Gore".

One less city means one less place for the terrorists to attack. And creating more wetlands is good for the environment. Also, with no city of New Orleans the crime rate in Louisiana will drastically drop.

Engrish

I kind of knew about engrish before yesterday. But not a whole lot. I have never been Asia! All I do know is that native speakers of Chinese and Japanese seem to have problems with the L sound. So like becomes rike. I rike to ride my bike. That kind of thing.

But it seems there is MUCH MORE to engrish than I thought! So I researched the topic a bit, mostly from THIS WEBSITE. Here is what I found!

You have probably seen some asshole with "Japanese" or "Chinese" characters tattooed on their arm or leg or face or whatever. Now the person with the tat does not look Asian. They look white. VERY white. They can not read or speak any Asian language. So how do they know that character really means "life" or "energy" or "essence" or whatever? Hell the tattoo artist looks like this!

What does he know about Japanese writing? And the asshole you see with the riced out Honda complete with that "cool" sticker? You know, the one with the Japanese writing? The driver probably looks like some 19 or 20 year old shaved head goofus - what does he know about Japanese? Nothing. The sticker may translate into "look at me, I am a total dumbass" or "I stick dildos up my ass for fun". Nobody would know, except for someone who can read Japanese. And they will probably just point and laugh.

But here in the States, the characters are used to sell crap. Cause it looks cool.

Well guess what? It seems that in Asian Countries, English is treated the same way! Yes, in Japan people take a few years of English in school. Many years actually. But on the street, guess who speaks it? Thats right - Americans, Brits, Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders, and so on. Most people do not use English daily, or even weekly. So the language skills they learn slowly fade away.

This is where engrish comes in. Because most people can make out some words, but do not really care, many things written in engrish are just slapped together. Little or no attempt is made to get anything correct. Who cares about that English scribble crap anyway? Residents of the nation are just going to read the Japanese script anyway.

Just like YOU would ignore Japanese characters and just read the English (if you are in an English speaking Country that is). Do you really think the stickers on cars, the writing on t-shirts, tattoos, and so on are proof read? Do you think much (if any) attempt is made to get anything correct? Hell no! It is just "marketing". As it is in Japan. Marketing, using our language like we use theirs.

Here are some good examples, from engrish.com

Kind of blunt, but you get the message. Shit in the toilet please. Someone probably made this engrish after having to clean up a Cleveland Steamer left in the middle of the floor. The "bad" word? Think they care? Children in the nation this photo came from probably ignore the engrish and read that other stuff.

Here is another example, possibly my favorite example ever!

It seems that the chick in this photo had NO IDEA what her shirt said. But like I pointed out before - do you have ANY clothing with Japanese characters on it? If so, do you know what it means? Do you REALLY know what it means? Are you sure? The story here is that Spread Beaver was the name of a Japanese band. The other writing was apparently added in by the person who printed the t-shirt and has no connection to the band at all. More than likely, the printer knew what they were writing. But maybe not! At any rate, the people who bought the shirts probably had no idea.

It just "looked cool" to them. Marketing. So there you go! Now you know a little more bout engrish. And now, the rest of this post will be in engrish!

Under the sun, I have happy good time in wet place. I move to place and see large scary path going to large fish. I have happy ending questing in wet place to the end with picture.

TRANSLATION!

Tomorrow morning I am going back to Shark Valley! I will ride the 15 mile loop through the swamp again, and take some more photos. What the hell were YOU thinking that meant?

Lost in Translation.

On Friday, I finally joined the 21st Century and bought a MP3 player. I was looking for a USB thing that can read my cell phone SIM card thing, but no luck. CompUSA seems to not have them. At least the store I went to had none.

Anyhow, while looking at shit that plugs into USB ports, I saw these MP3 player things that look like those pen drive devices. So the gears started to turn. Why buy an I-Pod when I can just buy a slightly large 2 gig USB pen drive that plays MP3 files? So I get one. It plugs into the computer exactly like a USB pen drive thing, and can be used like a regular pen drive (you can put anything on it) AND it will play MP3, WMA, and WAV files. It also supports SMV movie format, whatever the hell that is. It is also a digital voice recorder, a FM radio, and if that is not enough it will record FM broadcasts, up to the 2 gig capacity of the drive. That is a lot of shit for only $60. Hell a 2 gig plain USB pen drive may cost almost that much - and it will not play music files!

After buying the thing, I had to play with it in the parking lot before driving off. This is one way trash piles up in the truck. I opened the package, took out the device, put in the AAA battery, and then tossed the packaging in the back seat where it shall remain till sometime in the future when I clean out the vehicle. Whenever that may be.

What I found was that I could not really figure out how the hell the device worked. There is only a "play/pause" button, a hold switch, volume controls, and a "mode" selection sliding switch thing. Not too complicated here. But when I tried to use it as a FM tuner I could not figure out how to set the damn station.

Now HERE is the funny part! I get home and read the instruction manual. WAIT! IT GETS BETTER! The manual almost made me pee on myself. Lets start with page 1.

NOTE - I am not making ANY of this up. This is what is actually written in the manual.

Main function (me here, these are only some of the "main functions")

FM frequency modulation inside the player with receiving about 30 broadcasting station

Support recording FM radio

Microphone recording inside player

Convenient catalog files and menu guide administration

Support 6 music format such as heavy bourdon, pop, jazziness etc and user-defined music

WHAT THE HELL? Maybe I am just getting old, but what the hell is "heavy bourdon"? And what is a menu guide administration? But it gets better! Here are some things the manual says you SHOULD NOT DO.

It's not allowed to send MP3 files to others without our authority (that offend against safety of international version right).

Vibration of walking or doing sports will not affect playing music, however falling down of be clashed by heavy thing will damage player and affect the playing effect. meantime, avoid and liquid pure down to or bedew it.

Not put the player near hot thing or under the sunshine, excessive rust, damp, rainy water. Meanwhile, stressed by heavy thing will also damage it. Put it on the uneven surface or in the too much hot airproof train will damage or reduce the lifespan of player.

Me again. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?! I speak and read English, and I have no idea what any of that means. If I do not know what a "hot airproof train" is, how can I avoid placing the player on or near it? Does this mean that if I am on the subway and the AC breaks my MP3 player is toast? Ill remember this next time I am in New York. And I should avoid damp rainy water? As opposed to what? Dry water? I like how they covered all the bases by saying "hot thing". This covers irons, wood burning stoves, exhaust manifolds, hair driers, open fires, fire breathing dragons, and hot chicks.

This is the BEST PART!

Note the usage of earphone.
When driving, on bike, or driving any motorbike, it should not be used in those condition for your safety. Walling or crossing the road, turn the volume up will bring you an accident. On that potent dangerous spots (building ground for instant). keep alarm and not use earphone.

Prevent ear damaged.
Not turn the volume too much loud, ear professor suggest that it's will bad for your ear listening to loud volume for a long time. If you feel uncomfortable, please turn the volume down or stop using it in time.

ME AGAIN! That is all from the manual. Well not really, this is just all I am going to post here. Who the hell did this company hire to proofread their manual? Tarzan? Tonto? Frankenstein? President Bush? That "me rove you rong time" hooker from Full Metal Jacket? And what is an "ear professor"?

OHH I forgot to mention the company and their slogan!

Centon, Memories that last forever.

Uhhhh...you DO realize you guys are selling MP3 players and not digital cameras right?

Obviously this manual is the result of translation software. And to some degree, reading it gave me a little tiny insight into how the Chinese language works. I am assuming that this player was made in China, along with everything else.

But this is just bad marketing. Someone should tell this company that if you put out a shit manual, people will assume your product is also shit. So HIRE SOMEONE TO PROOF READ YOUR SHIT! This applies to ANY company. Want to sell something to China? Hire a Chinese person to proof read your documentation. Do not rely on crappy translation software - or else this is what you get.

All things aside, the MP3 player itself is actually good. It works. I am using it now. And it was cheap as hell. It does not seem to care where my MP3 files came from. It did not ask "did you download these from a P2P network" and force me to lie and say "of course not! What do you think I pirated all these files"?

It is small (only slightly larger than a regular USB pen drive), you can use it like any other USB drive, and the coolest part? You can choose what color you want the back light to be. You can pick red, dark blue, green, amber, dark purple, light blue, or light purple. I went with green.

So if you need a 2 gig USB pen drive that plays MPs files, has a built in FM tuner, is a digital voice recorder, comes with a fun to read manual, AND only cost $70 bucks, go to CompUSA and snag a Centon. They also have 1 GB units for about $20 less. But what the hell - you may as well get the 2 gig.

Featured Post!

Quick! Click the "Bring it on" icon thing on the left sidebar. Today's lazy post is the Featured Post there. I am moving up in the world, or so it seems.

China Shoots Down A Satellite

It seems that China has the ability to shoot down satellites. They shot down one of their own old weather satellites on the 11th of this month.

What this means is that China has ballistic missiles. They already had the bomb. So now they have ICBMs! Long range nukes.

And they can take out US satellites. Communications. GPS. Spy birds. All that stuff can now be taken out. Without it, much of our high tech military advantage is gone. Hell just taking out the GPS birds will seriously effect military operations - even if the communications satellites are left alone.

Bush has launched a formal diplomatic complaint. So have other nations.

But China probably could care less about any "formal diplomatic complaint". OHHH an angry letter!! We better stop! Look, Bush wrote it himself! We know this because it seems to be written in red crayon!

Of course, the USA has had this ability for some time now. In 1985 anti satellite missiles were launched from the USA. They worked. The weapon was, of course, made to use against the Soviet Union.

And China's anti satellite weapon is aimed at the USA. What other nation uses as many military birds as the USA? Nobody. Russia may still have a few up there, but since the end of the Soviet Era many birds were probably never replaced when they broke. And out NATO allies? They have some birds of their own - but the whole point in an alliance is to share and combine forces and equipment. So in the event of a NATO strike, US birds are shared to some point.

So what will the USA do? Nothing. That is what we will do. Not a thing. China will continue spending money on research for new weapons - and no angry letters will stop them.

But really - what can we do? Embargo? HA! An embargo against Chinese goods would hurt us FAR MORE than it would hurt them. Say good buy to Wal-Mart and Target! With no Chinese goods to fill these stores, they would close. Stock values in the retail sector would crash. Billions in investment would be lost. Jobs would be lost. The entire economy would collapse.

So no embargo. OK then a military strike! BZZZZZZZ - can't do that! Once again, that would cut off the flow of goods to the USA. Plus, all our forces are busy in Iraq. China will not be an easy foe to beat in a conventional war - it will require every rifle, every ship, every plane, and every bullet. We would have to "let the terrorists win" to do anything to China.

We sold China our industrial capacity for fun and profit. The Chinese know we NEED them and their goods to make our economy work. They KNOW there is nothing the USA can do to stop them, short of a terrible war that will totally wreck the nation as we know it today.

I hope those who profited greatly from outsourcing to China enjoy the piles of money they made! The results of that sale are just now starting to show themselves.

The Chinese are playing by our rules, by capitalism's rules. And they may just end up beating us. Not with a military, but on an economic level. By our own rules. At least they are fighting fair though.

Exciting Day. Not Really.

What an exciting day this was!

First, there was that stupid test I was supposed to take. I get up early and stuff, and head off into the wonderful Miami traffic.

I really hate this place. People are so stupid, it amazes me they can remember to breathe. 60% of the drivers I looked at were yapping away on their cell phone, totally ignorant of anything outside their car. So this slows traffic.

And then when I got on the so called express way, it was backed up to hell. There is road construction going on. And by "construction" I mean there is some signs of work being done (crazy lane markings, graded but unpaved roads, concrete barriers, etc). There are also a whole lot of construction machines. But no workers. The equipment just sits there. So this slows everything down.

I know about this. So I left with enough time to account for the stupidity.

But I did not account for ALL the stupidity. The north south expressway is where the "construction" is going on. So I kind of expected that to be all screwed up.

The east west expressway should have opened up a bit after the first exit. It usually does. But as it turned out, some idiot had an accident and rolled a Chevy Blazer. The driver was probably yapping on the cell phone at the time. Anyway, the accident was over. All vehicles involved were well to the side of the road. All the emergency vehicles were gone, except for one police car and a few tow trucks. The rolled Blazer was on the flatbed.

And EVERY ASSHOLE ON THE ROAD had to slow down to look. OHHH! Look at the smashed up cars! Hey kids! Grab your cameras! Lets take some photos!

And so the traffic was backed up for much longer than it needed to be. Up to the point of the accident I was going maybe 5 mph. After I passed the exact point where the accident happened I was able to go 80 mph. Just like that. So most of that eastbound slowdown was 100% not necessary.

As a result, I arrived at the testing location at 9:01 AM. Yes 9:01. According to my phone.

The doors to the testing location closed at 9:00 AM. 1 fucking minute. Had the assholes NOT felt the need to stop and look at the accident, I would have made it where I needed to be with plenty of time to register and get seated and stuff.

I hope EVERYONE who was responsible for the "slow down to look" thing roll their vehicle tomorrow. Really. I do. Screw them. The world will be better off with that many fewer idiots polluting the gene pool. And it will mean that much less traffic, because thousands of cars will not be on the road Friday. They can all stay home Friday and look at a crunched up car all damn day.

Now it is a law in Florida to slow down OR move over one lane if there are vehicles stopped on the side of the road. Fair enough. But people were stopping to look. Traffic in the two lanes to the right could have moved at at least 30 mph - well within the slow down or move over law. Traffic in the left two lanes could have continued at speed - also within the law. But people were stopping to look. I hate that shit.

This is common in Miami. This city has to have one of the lowest collective IQs in the world. The Special Olympics should be held here every year, so that people do not have to travel very far to participate.

But not all was lost today. I was able to finish the "cargo carrier to bike rack" project. I bought the bike rack part last year. It has been sitting around for at least a year. Well I finally bought the bolts, nuts, and washers to attach the thing to the carrier. Ill have to remember to take a picture of the thing. One day.

And about the letter from yesterday's post? I called someone. They are re-auditing things. I think that the error will be resolved. No harm no foul. Life goes on. Computerized systems are supposed to make life easier. And they do - most of the time. Just not all the time. This is a case where the humans just have to correct the computer. And then punish it with "the magnet".

And seriously, if you are going to come to Miami for any reason consider your options. There are beaches all over the place you know. Want to go on a cruise? Use the airport shuttle bus thing. And if you want to spend a few days in the city AFTER the cruise? Consider your options. Try to stay someplace where you will NOT need to rent a darn car - unless you want to spend 40% of your vacation time stuck in that rental car. Rent a nice one! Do not cheap out! Trust me - get the Lincoln Town Car.

If you are going to the Keys - you may be tempted to fly into Miami or Ft. Lauderdale, rent a car, and drive to the keys. Good idea in theory - except you have to drive in Miami. Trust me, take the American Eagle connection to Key West. Once you are there you will not need a car.

At Least It Keeps Me Occupied.

Just when I thought it was safe! It seems that last Friday, when I was on my way to Central Florida, I got some snail mail.

The former employer now claims I owe them $700 something because I was overpaid. I thought this was all cleared up! But it seems that I was mistaken.

So this means that today I get to go back and do all the stuff I did before! As if I have nothing else better to do. Well OK so maybe I do not have anything else better to do. But that is not the point.

I have to take some sort of civil service exam later this morning. I should probably be asleep right now. But I have taken this type of exam before. It will not be too hard. Pretty simple stuff really.

This will guarantee that I get up and get moving somewhat early. The test begins at 9:00 AM.

Then after the test, I have to sort out this mess. AGAIN. However I think I am just yelling at a brick wall at this point. From what I was told last time, everything was going to be sorted out. Apparently it was not.

So the saga continues! It will give me something to do.

More Old News

Yea I know this is old. But I was out of town on important business and could not get around to posting about it. I had to go hang out with a friend of mine who moved to Central Florida. This totally screwed up the weekly "pizza or sushi" night thing I used to have when she lived in Miami. I used to eat a crap load more sushi than I get to eat now.

Anyway - time for some old news! The US invaded the Iranian Consulate and took "prisoners".

This was a very stupid thing to do.

Oh Lazy! Don't you understand? Iran invaded the US Embassy and took hostages! That was wrong! And now Iran is meddling in Iraq! That is wrong too! So it was GOOD that the US went in that consulate!

Yes, I DO understand. Iran invaded a US embassy and now we invaded an Iranian consulate. Please explain how the two events are different? They took "hostages", we took "prisoners". Iran probably called our guys "prisoners" too. Think about that for a bit. And also - just because Iran invaded an embassy makes it OK for us to invade consular offices now? Because they did it almost 30 years ago, we can do it now? Well shit, what if China wants to invade the office of the Dali Lama and take "prisoners". Would that be OK? What in the Indian Embassy in Washington DC decided to invade the Pakistani Embassy in Washington DC? Would that be OK? You get my point here.

When Iran invaded the US Embassy, most of the world sided against Iran. That shit is not cool! All countries have embassies and consulates in other countries, and NOBODY wants their embassy or consulate invaded.

And how does this support the Bush statement that the US respects Iraqi law? We just pissed on Iraqi issued diplomatic visas. So we support Iraqi law when people are hung, but not when Iraqi law allows stuff we do not like? Is ANYONE not going to see through that bullshit?

The consulate in question was located in Kurdish Iraq. The least violent and most stable region of that country. And it pissed off the Kurds. GREAT IDEA! Lets piss off the only major group that supports us. Nothing bad can come from that! When Hussein was being mean to the Kurds Iran let them cross the border freely. Many survivors of gas attacks only lived because they hid in Iran! So yea, the Kurds do not exactly hate Iran. They view Iran as somewhat of a friend. And what do we do? Piss off the Kurds.

This will only serve to make it MORE DANGEROUS for US diplomats abroad. what if nation X invades nation Y and determines that diplomatic visas issued by nation Y are no longer valid and then take "prisoners" of their own? and what if some of those "prisoners" are US foreign service employees? Will that be OK?

Lastly, if Iran is "meddling" in Iraq, what is the USA doing? And what is Saudi Arabia doing? At this point, who is NOT meddling in Iraq? Everyone has their hands in the cookie jar at this point. So for one nation to say to another nation "your hand is in the jar because I can feel it with my hand" is kind of crazy.

Nothing good can come out of this.

Crazy Idea Monday!

So I take a few measly days off from my regular routine and a whole bunch of stuff happens. I guess I should have guessed. So over the next day or so, I will post about crap that I did not get to post about during my short trip.

So......time for another installment of CRAZY CONSPIRACY THEORY MONDAY! Yes! Everyone's favorite source for wacky theories and crazy ideas will NOT let you down!

While visiting with my friend in Central Florida, we went to some bar that used to be a music store but that was not making any money so they tore out all the music store crap and put in a bar and now they have live music. Anyhow the TV was on. And of course it had to be football.

Now this is where the crazy conspiracy theory comes in. Pay attention or else you may miss it!

The New Orleans Saints will win the Super Bowl. That is it! Bush has fixed the whole thing up. Bush NEEDS the Saints to win. Think about this for a bit.

We all know what Bush's response to Katrina was.

It's not so bad! Why, some people pay high prices for water front property! And who does not think "I sure wish I could go fishing at the same time I sit in my recliner in my living room watching TV"!

Anyway, think about this scenario.

The Saints win the Super Bowl. Fox-Sperts can get on TV and proclaim that thanks to the brilliant Bush plan, New Orleans is well on its way to a full recovery - even better than it was before (code word for less dark). Why just look at how the football team (which does not mean dog squat in the grand scheme of things) won the big game! And those pesky activists who point out that large portions of the city are still covered in mud and gunk? They are just trying to "rob the city" of the joyous occasion.

So there. You may have heard it here first. Or maybe not? I don't know. Really. I am not aware of this same idea being posted by another source - so it is possible that someone else uncovered this conspiracy before now.

So place your bets. Expect the odds on the Saints to be very very low. The bookies who read this blog will put it all together and figure out what is going on.

The President is desperate for good news. ANY good news. Even if the only good news is the results of an unimportant thing like a football game.

Winning It All Back

I am a little bit late here, but I was lazy and then busy so I did not post at my usual time. But what the hell, I will chime in on the topic of the day!

I saw the Bush speech. He is getting better at speaking, I did not detect any drooling or stuttering. At least no major stuttering. Also I did not hear any made up words! He has finally learned to stick to the script someone else writes for him.

But while listening, I could not help but to think the following.

If you have ever been to Las Vegas you have seen the type. Go to the casino floor at 3 or 4 AM. You will see them. The degenerate gamblers. The desperate souls who have convinced themselves that if they just put another $20 in the slot machine, or double up their bet just one more time, that they can win back all their losses. Yea they are down hundreds or even thousands of dollars. But the progressive jackpot on that machine is well over a million dollars! If you can just hit triple bars on all four slot machine wheels on a maximum bet you can win it all!

And so, they keep pulling the handle. And they do not stop pulling till they are out of money, and have maxed out their credit card cash advances, and pulled out the maximum amount they can on their ATM card. But they just KNOW that the next person to sit at their machine after they leave is going to win.

The machine HAS TO pay out sooner or later, right?

Wrong. The machine does not have to pay out ever. That progressive jackpot is the result of many machines linked together across several casinos and sometimes even multiple states. The Wheel Of Fortune machine at the MGM Grand may never pay out, the progressive jackpot is won by someone at Bally's. Or maybe even the Las Vegas Airport. Who knows.

Bush sounded a lot like one of those people. He knows he can win it all back if he can just get more credit. 20,000 more troops. Just give him that and he can win it all. The question now is do we extend the credit to him?

There will likely not be a Friday or Saturday post, as I am bailing out of Dade County for the weekend. I will be in and around the Lakeland Florida area.

Not Real News

As you may know I have tirade-ed about how the so called "major" news networks do not report on real news. They either make shit up (Fox), or report non-news items like they are matters of high national importance (all the rest). Oh yea they ALL like to waste countless hours speculating. I guess this counts as "making shit up" because really the speculators are just pulling stuff out of their ass. The tactic most used is to get as many speculators pulling shit out of their ass as you can, then when ONE turns out to be right repay the clip over and over while saying "SEE!?!?! You heard this here first!". The other 50 who were wrong? We are supposed to forget about them.

And yes, I know I made up the word "tirade-ed". But what the hell! Thanks to our President, it is now acceptable to make up words and pass them off as real. This will be the ONE good thing accomplished by him in history books.

Just like we are supposed to forget about Pat Robertson and his super mega shake that allowed him to leg press 2,000 pounds. Remember that shameless attempt to sell a magical protein shake? It must be magical, because the FSU football player record for a leg press is a scant 1,335 pounds. The machine used had to be modified to hold the weight, and the dude burst the capillaries in his eyes.

But just as we are supposed to forget the laughable claims by old men pushing magical milkshakes, we are supposed to forget about the wild speculation presented to us as "news" that turns out to be wrong.

But wild speculation is not all the non-news reported on NATIONAL networks, and fed to the public as matters of dire importance.

Case and point - the "news" yesterday. It seems that a few homes owned by rich people burned down. Some of these multi-million homes were unoccupied, because the owners were off in their second, third, or even fourth multi-million dollar home somewhere else. One such unoccupied home happened to belong to some "famous" person. This story of great national importance was on every cable news channel is HEAVY ROTATION - complete with the usual gaggle of speculators guessing if the fire was set intentionally or sparked by some natural process. And if it WAS arson how did they start the fire? A match? A lighter? Did they use gasoline? And so on.

It all sucked up hours of national news air time.

Aww you are TERRIBLE! How could you be happy someone's home was burned down?

I am not "happy" about the homes burning down. All I am saying is that this is NOT NATIONAL NEWS! Just because ONE of Suzanne Summer's many multi-million dollar homes burns down it is NATIONAL news? Come on!

If it were MY home that burned down would that be national news? Or if it were your home, would it be national news? Where would the speculators be? How about if your entire block burned down. Would THAT be national news? What if no rich or famous people lived on your block - would it be national news then? Would it get HOURS of air time, or just a 30 second blurb repeated every hour or so?

No. It would not. Would CNN, Fox, MSNBC, and whoever else ask you if you plan to rebuild? Hell no. You and I are just the little people who do not matter. But when a few homes burn down, one of which belongs to a "famous" person the news vans will be as thick as flies on shit.

This is what I mean when I say that you will not see much of any news by watching the news.

Can't Hold Out Much Longer

Things are getting desperate here. I just took beer-ventory and things look bleak! All I have left is three Samuel Adams Cranberry Lambics. My least favorite Samuel Adams selection. The stuff is way too sweet to be called "beer". It flavor is heavily influenced by maple syrup. Want to know just how desperate things are? I am drinking a Perrier. PERRIER!

Why Perrier? I got myself addicted to the stuff. It all started during the "freedom fries" bullshit. You know, when everything French was anti-American. Then to compound things, at my last job I had secret ways to get the stuff for free. Not all the time mind you! But there were occasions when I could get the stuff - and I would. So I got addicted to it. And now I buy it.

How embarrassing for the USA. Truly, the "freedom fries" episode will go down in history as a national disgrace. France should have asked for the Statue Of Liberty back - you know since we were not going to need it anymore.

Anyhow - I need to get more beer. Maybe some fine Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. That is some good stuff.

This reminds me! We have a new GOOBERner. Jeb Bush is not in office anymore. So now is my chance to grass roots for some REAL PROGRESSIVE CHANGE in Florida! Or as I like to call it, FloriDUH. Seriously - there are some real winners here. Special Olympics gold helmet winning, short bus riding, winners. The people who put the DUH in FloriDUH.

Anyhow, on to the progressive change for a better Florida. In the summer of 1999 I took a family vacation to Arizona. One of my uncles lives there. Anyway, on day 1 I flew from MIA to LAS (Miami to Vegas for all you non-airport code knowing people), rented a car, and drove to Prescott Arizona. A quaint little town.

We got into town somewhat early, so everyone decided to go to "town square" because there was some kind of thing going on. Across the street from the court house I saw a sign. A glowing, beautiful neon sign that beaconed me to come hither. Prescott Brewery.

So I go in. I was thirsty. You know, the desert air and blah blah blah. I was born and raised in the swamps of South Florida. The whole dry desert things was new to me.

Now here is where the progressive change comes in. In Arizona you can get BEER TO GO! Yes. You can order yourself a 64 ounce jug of draft beer and get it to go. In Florida you are a criminal the instant you remove that beer from the bar. But not in Arizona! Oh no. They will even give you little plastic cups with that 64 ounce jug to go. To me this was amazing.

We need that in Florida! I like to go to this place where they make their own beer. The beer there is VERY good shit. And I should know. You know those wine snobs? Well I am almost like that with beer. I would not know a good wine if it kicked me in the nut sack, but I know my beer.

How about it Charlie Crist? Beer to go in Florida! This way I can go to Titanic Brewery in Coral Gables with 6 empty bottles and a hand held bottle capping device. I can have the bottles filled with a wonderful IPA, seal the bottles with a cap, then take em home! I could also have them filled with a fine bitter, or a great brown ale - or maybe even a seasonal! And if I have a wild crazy party I could get a 5 gallon soda keg filled with beer.

Baby Alligator Monday

Welcome to baby alligator Monday! This is a new feature I just made up. This weekly special feature is SO EXCLUSIVE, that it will not be here next week. This is how you make something exclusive - only offer it for a limited time. And that limited time is today.

So this is more of a special one time Baby Alligator Monday feature than a weekly feature. but who cares. Click the lizard to see more photos from my Saturday swamp adventure. Then return here and comment!

In other news, I ran across a news story that Israel has been training pilots to take out possible nuclear sites in Iran. According to this source, one site would have been hit with nukes, and two other sites hit with conventional weapons. Some military spokesperson said this was bullshit. Israel supports the UN and blah blah blah.

Here is why none of this matters. Iran is not run by idiots. The President of Iran is actually a very well spoken man - even if the words he speaks are sometimes out there. At least he can speak proper Farsi. Can we say the same about the President of the USA and the English language? Ever hear of a "President Whatever The Hell That Guy's Name Is-ism"? I have not, but there are TONS of Bushisms out there. Everytime Bush speaks he provides the world with more.

Anyway, like I was saying. Iran is not ruled by idiots. They know they are sitting on gobs of oil, and that other nations need that oil. So what they did was pretty simple, and not very well reported in the USA.

Iran made buddies with China. Iran IS China's oil futures market. And China is not a weak nation. While their military may not be as advanced technology wise as the USA, it is larger. And they have more than sling shots and spears.

More importantly, they hold the economy of the West in their hands. Simply put - we can NOT afford a war with China. They know it, and we know it. A war with China means GOOD BYE to Wal-Mart, Best Buy, Target, and every dollar store you can think of. It would mean an immediate HALT to consumerism as we know it. The retail sector would collapse, and with it the stock values of every major retail outlet on the NYSE. And with those stores would go jobs. And not just low paying part time stock jobs - very rich people in upper management positions would be in the unemployment line. Their stock options would be worthless. People like The Waltons, heirs to the Wal-Mart empire, would be looking for a job flopping Whoppers.

So what can we do about Iran? Probably nothing. We will have to ask for permission from China first. If we get an approval, then only what China approves will be allowed. If China says "no" then we have to make a choice.

Our source of cheap consumer goods, or "national security". It will be fun to see which side the rich are on.

Points Of Clarification

I noticed a trend in some comments. They had to do with my vehicle photo. How could that happen!?!?!?

This is kind of like asking a sailor why he/she lets the tide roll in. Or why they allow slime and algae and barnacles to build up on the hull. It just happens. The tide rolls in and out, twice a day more or less. Nothing can stop it. The sailor does not "allow" the tide to do anything. And as for the crud that builds up on the hull - well every now and then you just have to remove it. It is next to impossible to prevent it 100%, the best you can do is manage it.

Such is the crap in the truck. I clean it out. I even bust out with the wet dry vac and stuff. But just like a high tide will gradually roll in, the trash does the same thing. I may bring a towel in the truck and not use it. This happens frequently when I take the boat out. I carry boat towels and a truck towel. 90% of the time the towel remains in the truck for weeks. Or I may go buy something, like that flashlight you can seethe box for. As soon as I get the item into the truck I usually ALWAYS have to open the box. when I get home the item goes in - but the box and bag and crap remain. Soda cans and glass ware tends to build up from the house. Ill be going somewhere, and before I leave Ill snag something to drink. When I get to where I am going, the drink container stays in the truck. And then the container never leaves.

Before I know it - there is a lot of crap in the vehicle. It gets to the point where I open a door and shit falls out. THEN I clean it out. And it is all nice and clean - till I buy something or get thirsty right before I leave to go someplace.

Point 2 - the Monopoly Money idea! It seems to be more popular than I had thought it would be. Maybe if I were not so darn lazy I could turn this into some National grass roots thing to screw with the RNC. If a million people requested propaganda from the RNC and sent back Monopoly Money -and it costs 39 cents each way for postage fees, that is 78 cents. Times one million people (1/3 of 1% of the population here) it would COST them $780,000. Now of course bulk mail for "non profit" political organizations do not pay the same postage rate as us peons, but you get the idea. It would be enough to piss off someone. So here are some links for you!

Order a stack of Monopoly Money HERE! Note - you can also order replacement money for any other Hasbro game, like Life. Life has $100,000 bills! Be your own lobbyist! Go to one of those $10,000 a plate fancy dinners - with 10 of your closest friends and eat with your mouth open and stuff. Fart and blame it on Ann Coulter! The possibilities are endless.

And someone had a GREAT idea! Include a few "Get Out Of Jail Free" cards! The RNC could use those cards. As I said, the Monopoly Money idea can be modified - the possibilities are indeed endless. If you can think it, you can mail it off. For example - just as there are "get out of jail free" cards there are also "go directly to jail" cards. And then there is the "ride the Reading Railroad" card. Would sending that card off imply that SOMEONE can't read? Huh? Someone in office right now possibly?

Oh yea, one more thing - the NEW Shark Valley ride photos are up on lazyiguana.org! You can go to the lazyiguana.org index page, or go directly to the new photos by CLICKING HERE!

Weekend Fun And Alligators.

You know what I need here? More pictures of alligators. So today I am going to haul my bicycle out to Everglades National Park and ride the Shark Valley loop. Yup. I need to do stuff like this NOW because once all the ice melts Shark Valley will be more shark than valley. This should not be a big shock to us Florida residents - if you live in South Florida you should know that you are standing on the remains of an ancient coral reef. Guess what that means genius? Florida was once under water. Yup - all that limestone Rinker mines and turns into concrete is part of an ancient reef. And seeing as how the rock mines have made some rather large holes, why not replenish those holes with MORE CORAL!?!?!? It will be cool. I always wanted to race down the narrow downtown streets in my boat. The intersections will be a whole lot of fun to navigate. And can my anchor hold on pavement? Probably not. But diving in the sunken lobby of a large bank building will be super cool.

Now about that link above this post. On the Gobhole blog (link in the left sidebar) there is a silly contest going on. It is simple really - post a photo of the front and back seat of your car. I guess the photo that contains the most crap wins. So if you really want to see all the crap I am packing around with me click the link.

Onto the FUN part! It seems that due to some EVIL tear in space and time, I managed to get on the RNC mail list. Yes that RNC. The evil RNC. The RNC that nobody shall ever mention by name lest the hordes of hell be unleashed on the Earth for all of eternity.

This is not always such a bad thing. Sometimes it is downright amusing. Like in 2004 when the RNC asked me to contribute money to the Republican party. They sent a nice letter explaining how if the Republicans loose the terrorists win and that they needed me to do my part and contribute by placing a check into the handy pre-paid envelope. If I really wanted to be cool I could put a stamp in the envelope and save them the return postage.

So I sent $500. Yup, I sent $500. In Monopoly money. You got it! I dug out the Monopoly game, removed an orange $500 bill, stuck it into the return envelope, checked off the box for $500 on the card that contained my name and address, and sent it off.

I forgot to put on my own postage. OOPS! But what is 39 cents when I sent off $500!

You know what is the funniest thing? I got another request for money in 2006. Help preserve the majority! The letter used far more urgent language. It was all up to me to keep babies from being murdered and stuff. I was asked to dig deep because the moral core of America was at stake.

I knew what had to be done. It was all up to me. I had to do my civic duty! I noticed that the little boxes next to suggested values had a maximum value of $2,000. So I sent $2,000. In Monopoly money. They never specified what kind of money to send - so I assumed Monopoly money. Four $500 bills. Nobody can say that anything is my fault now!

In 2008 I plan to up the ante a bit, with money from Life. That game has $100,000 bills. I hope I am still on the RNC list! I should be, I am a good contributor.

100 Hours

PrePost news! Sometime yesterday, my hit counter reached 20,000! Hooray! Now on with the show.

It is all over the TV. There is a new Congress in town, and they have laid out their battle plan for the first hundred hours.

Yawn. Excuse me for not being very impressed. I mean it is great that the power is more balanced and all - but the House is only half (or less) of the story. The Senate has to pass the 100 hour agenda, and then Mr. "hey I just discovered I can veto stuff" has to not veto it.

Whatever the President vetoes is pretty much dead in the water, the new majority is not 2/3 strong. So yea, go on and pass that minimum wage hike - but unless it is tied to some other sort of tax break for those who would consider having to live on a mere $250,000 a year living in poverty it will not pass. An that stem cell thing? Think Bush will not veto that? Yea right.

The "pay as you go" agenda item will also fail. Why? Because what it says is that the government should tax enough to cover all spending. From a normal consumer point of view, this seems reasonable. After all - how do YOU plan your spending? Probably based on your income right? Well the government's income is taxes.

To spend more, then the government needs more income. If the government spends less, then some of that income source can be lost. So if the government decides it needs to increase spending for say National Parks - then they would either have to lower spending somewhere else OR ask for more income. But no deficit spending.

Of course we all know what this is targeted at. Way before I started my blog I laid out how to stop the war in Iraq in its tracks (or for that matter from even starting in the first place). Force the Republicans to pay for their war up front. That would have prevented the war from starting.
Oh yea, the war in Iraq was all important and shit. Fight them over there so we do not have to fight them here. And that bullshit.

However, what if the Republicans had to give up all their tax cuts and even RAISE TAXES to pay for the war? How important would it be then? And because the rich have more to loose should America collapse the war ought to be more important to them right? So what is another 10% or even 20% personal income tax increase?

Look at it this way. Say someone holds a gun to your head and demands your wallet. Do you give them the wallet or argue? So if you REALLY BELIEVE that the terrorist threat is that real, do you argue about how much it is going to cost you to make that threat go away or pay up and be happy to get away with your life?

So what is it? Are there any Republicans reading this? If so which do you want, a war over there so you do not have one here - or your tax cuts? Can't have both this war is costing 8 - 10 billion a month. Pick one. If you pick your tax cuts then you must also support cutting out of Iraq. If you think it is important to stay, then you must also think paying for it is important.

I think that making Bush pay for the entire war in Iraq up front in cash without borrowing any of it by RAISING taxes would have prevented troops from going into Iraq. It is not THAT important to be there that the rich should give up their tax cuts.

But as those who took economics classes know - when then government goes into debt it is not like when you or I go into debt. The government uses debt as an economic tool. Deficit spending can stimulate a stagnant economy. Stuff that is not planned can happen, prompting emergency spending. And so on. Getting rid of all deficit spending is not really possible - at best it can just be managed.

Now do not get me wrong. I wish all the best for the first 100 hours agenda. But I am not going to get too excited about it - as I expect most of it to flop.

It all supports my theory from yesterday. The Democrats will force the Republicans to block measures popular with the left and the center, but not at all popular with the Republican base. The House will be able to say "Democrats took the lead and passed all these wonderful things, but Bush vetoed it and Republicans blocked it". Or something like that.

And in 2008 they can take more Republican seats in the Senate and House - while running Hillary or Obama for President. This will probably place another Republican in the White House. And when the new President can not fix any of the Bush mess, the Democrats win even more seats in the 2010 election. Then they are set up to take it all in 2012. And then of course they will royally fuck everything up, as the party with no opposition always does.

The only thing that can screw this up is the Democrats winning the White House in 08. Then THEY will be expected to fix the mess. If they do it will be a miracle. More than likely they will not be able to fix the mess - which will set the Republicans up for huge gains in the 2010 mid term elections.

Good luck to the new Congress in the first 100 hours. A lot of what you guys have on the plate would be a good change, but I am not holding my breath. Most of it stands little chance of going anywhere.

No Thanks - I'll Wait For The Next Stall.

This is a working theory of mine. Recently I started to read stuff at "Bring It On" - one of the article authors asked me to expand on a comment I made. I figured that I would do that here. Because I can. And because the working theory is too large to be a comment.

Imagine you are at a football game, or a trans Pacific flight. You are in line to use the throne. Out of nowhere, some fat guy shows up and starts to buffalo his way to the front of the line holding a beer in one hand and a massive "bacon chili triple cheeseburger" in the other hand. He barges into the stall, pulling the occupant off the seat mid movement. The stall door closes, and within 30 seconds horrible sounds and smells start to leak out of the stall. After a full 5 minutes of that, the door opens. The beer glass is empty, and the bacon chili triple cheeseburger is gone - some of the remains of both can be seen on the fat guys shirt and face. There is no flush. Whatever came out of that guy is still in the bowl.

Now do you enter the stall, or do you decide to wait for another stall to become vacant? Do you want to deal with the mess that you know is waiting in there? Do you even want to know how bad the mess is?

Hell no. You are not going in there! Nobody wants to go in there. The haz-mat guy in the full bio containment suit does not want to go in there. That throne room is done dealing.

So where am I going with this? Here is where I am going. The White House has become that stall. The current occupant is the fat guy in my analogy. The mess is....well a mess.

Nobody really wants to be the next one to use the stall. At least not before someone who is not paid nearly enough goes in there with a steam pressure washer, a hundred gallons of bleach, and a huge wet/dry vac. And a pine air freshener, just for good measure.

But this is not something any party can admit at this time. If the Republicans admit this, what does this say about them? They created it. They set the agenda for the past 6 years. They had both houses of Congress AND the White House all to themselves. If they admit that they have contaminated the stall so bad that not even rats will go in there then it is all over for them. Come the next election the Republicans will loose so bad they will have less representation than the Libertarians.

And the Democrats? They can not admit this either. What happens if they do admit this? Whats that? You just took back power and now you say you do not want to win in 2008? No problem! The Republican base will be more than happy to see to it that you loose it all in 2008. And the Democrat base - why vote when your guy says "I want to loose"? And those in the center, who can vote either way? What will they do? Probably not vote for the guy who says "don't vote for me". And really it is those "can go either way" votes that win elections. Your base is your base - you can pretty much always count on them. But those in the center? Who knows what they will do. Once you loose the center, you could loose them for years to come.

So what do you do? How does either party deal with this reality? They HAVE TO do something! But what?

How about this - run people you think CAN'T WIN! AH HA! Now we are onto something! Yes, we have to run someone for President in 2008. But like I said before, nobody really wants to be the next to use that stall. So the solution is clear! Run your dog. Take the person you think has the least chance of winning a national election - and nominate them. That way you can pretend that your party wants to win - when in reality you want to have the other party in for the next 4 years.

If you are the party that has the power in Congress - all you have to do is hold onto that. Let the White House go! Let someone else fumigate that place, making it fit for human use again. Meanwhile you can sit back and build your power base in Congress - while the other party has to figure out a way out of the mess Bush created. Then in 2012 you can run a contender, and have it all. Congress and the White House. The keys to the kingdom.

This is why there is so much talk from the Democrats to run Hillary or Obama. There is no way either of these people can win a national election - unless you think the South will vote for either of them. Face it - neither can win.

And by the same token, look at who the early contenders for the Republican nomination are. Giuliani? Please. Many Republicans think he is far too liberal. He does not tow the line nearly well enough. McCain? The guy they demonized when he DARED to run against King George for the nomination in 2000? Remember what the machine did to McCain in 2000? They pissed on his war record - saying that did not matter. George was the man! McCain was not "conservative" enough for them.

Here is what both parties are thinking. Pick someone you think will only motivate the most hard core of your base to support. There will be enough of those people to fill the convention, and make for some decent crowds at primary speeches. You know, put on a dog and pony show to make it LOOK LIKE you really want to win.

But hope that the other party wins. Concentrate on keeping your congressional power, or gaining it back.

And the next President? Good luck to whoever that is. On day 1 you will have a list of things to deal with! There is that war. Do you keep forces there so more people get killed? Pull out and "loose"? And how do you pay for the war? Raise taxes? That is always popular. Just keep going into debt? Great idea there! How about an energy policy? Do you even make one? It is not like we have had one for 6 (soon to be 8) years now. How do you keep up troop levels? Start the draft? That will be a popular idea. Extend the stop loss? That will be a great way to encourage more volunteers to sign up! Not to mention the positive effects on morale. Just tell the troops that they will be in Iraq till they are killed or injured so bad they are of no further use to the military. And what if there is another attack after you order troops out? What if there is another attack after you send more troops in and announce "everything is OK! Progress is being made here!".

And this is just the foam floating on the surface of the Love Canal here. Go deeper and it just gets better. Who knows what you will find once you get to the mud at the bottom of the canal!

Look for 2008 to be a race to not win - by BOTH sides.