Thinking

Don't you hate it when you can not remember what the hell you were going to post about? I do.

Anyhow, there are a few things going on. Sort of. Nothing too exciting.

But I do think I have finally resolved the whole problem with going fishing and not actually catching any fish. I have obtained a fishing kite! I found one for sale on Craigslist. So I got it. It was a decent enough deal.

Anyhow the kite keeps the bait skipping at the surface. You can use live or dead bait. Either can work although live bait seems to work better. Or so they say.

Of course I have never fished with a kite before. I have no idea how it is done. But I have a kite now. For all that is worth.

In other news, Fred's eyes are still red and irritated. So I keep putting in the eye medicine three times a day. Fred is getting a little tired of the whole procedure.

Also I think I may be going crazy. Insane in the membrane.

See I am considering options here. And one option is joining the military. No really, joining the military. For real.

It has been brought to my attention that I can still join the US Coast Guard Reserves as an officer. I have a college degree which is apparently all I need.

As far as I understand it, there is not even a real boot camp involved. I would have to go to a thing, but it is more of a classroom setting than a "climb over that wall" setting. And I would get paid for going to the training. And then I would have to work so many "shifts" or whatever they call them. None of that "one weekend per month" thing. I could work my shifts at a time agreed on by myself and the base. Each shift is a scant 4 hours.

Supposedly I could even work a whole years worth of shifts in the first month, and then take the rest of the year off. If it is allowed by whoever has to approve such things.

Now I am sure there is a catch. I just do not know what that catch may be. I might end up being sent to Alaska or something.

Which would not be horrible. I have always wanted to see Alaska. I do not think I want to live in Alaska however. Too cold.

So what would I be doing as an officer in the US Coast Guard? Well when not bossing lower ranking people around I would be doing business administration stuff. Cause that is what my degree is in. Business Administration. Maybe management type stuff? Whatever that is. I do not even know what business administration stuff is and I supposedly studied it for four years! Nobody really knows what it is.

And I do not like to boss others around very much. I am too low key for that. Live and let live.

So there it is. I may be crazy. And I may just join the reserves. I get extra money, a snazzy uniform, a security clearance, and possibly other things as well.

Ill have to get a hair cut.

The deal is off if I have to do all that boot camp type stuff. I can not even remember the last time I had to run.

Ill have to talk to the recruiters and find out what the deal here is. And Ill use my super powers of insight to tease out what the catch is.

Press Secretary Bullshit

You may be wondering what my "take" on this whole former Bush press secretary tell all book thing is.

Or maybe you do not care. But guess what? I do not care that you do not care. You are going to get my "take" on it anyway.

I tend to believe the stuff in the book. I have not read it, nor do I plan to - but I still tend to believe the stuff in it is true.

And you know why? Listen CAREFULLY to the assholes who still support the President. Here is what I have heard the Bush supporting pundits say on various cable TV news outlets.

1. He was so loyal.
2. He is trying to salvage what is left of his reputation.
3. I do not understand why he wrote the book - he was so loyal.
4. He was left out of the loop and does not know what he is talking about.
5. He is disgruntled and upset over something.

And so on. Listen for yourself! Do not take my word on this! But what do these statements mean?

He was so loyal. Lets start there.

Notice how they do not say "this is all bullshit". They are expressing dismay about the book because he was so LOYAL.

So why is this a big deal? Because if you are really really super duper LOYAL, you keep your mouth shut. You never tell the truth. EVER. Just sit there and shut the hell up.

THAT is loyalty to the Bush people.

So when they (the pundits) express dismay about the disloyalty, what they are REALLY saying is "I can not believe this guy dared to spill the beans". They can not believe that someone so incredibly loyal would publish the truth.

At least this is how I take it.

Point 2, he is trying to salvage a damaged reputation. A former assistant Bush press secretary said this on Fox. I heard it. But what would have damaged his reputation in the first place? Lets just assume he IS trying to salvage a damaged reputation. What was his former job? What damaged that reputation to begin with? Could it be LYING for Bush for all those years? Is that what damaged his reputation? Being associated with Bush?

I would think so. It is not like he left that job with a great deal of positive reputation and then became a transvestite carny who forgot to use all the bolts that came with the Tilt-A-Whirl and caused a horrible accident that disfigured a dozen people or something.

What reputation is he trying to salvage? What caused the damage to it? Hummmmmmm.....what was his former job again?

OH YEA! Thats right! He was Bush's press secretary! Silly me.

Now for number 3. He was left out of the loop and did not know what he was talking about. This is rather new. At first it was all "but he was so loyal!". And now it is he was left out of the loop. Well maybe he was. I mean, what if the press secretary knew so much and accidentally slipped something NOT scripted to the press!!! Why that would be bad!

Still, this is pretty lame attempt to sweep this under the rug.

And now point 4. He is "disgruntled". Oh really? Well what was he when he left, loyal or pissed off? Because it seems to me the two terms are not interchangeable. You are either a loyalist OR pissed off. You do not hear about loyal factory workers busting a cap in the boss's ass after they are fired. No, it is ALWAYS someone disgruntled that does that.

Really - listen to the pundits for yourself. Try to remember what they were saying a few days ago as opposed to today. What were they saying BEFORE the official "this is what to say" memo was put out. What words were they using?

And what do you think it means?

I did this. And I reached my conclusions.

Banzuke

What the hell is a "Banzuke" you ask? Good question.

The banzuke is a list of wrestlers and their official rank that is put out before a sumo match.

And it is also the latest crazy Japanese TV import. If you get the G4 network, you can watch this show.

The point of Unbeatable Banzuke is to get through this almost impossible obstacle course. So what makes it different from Ninja Warrior, another crazy Japanese obstacle course TV import? another good question.

Unbeatable Banzuke is many different courses. 20 in all. I think. But you do not challenge all of them. You pick one. Here is a clip from the mountain bike challenge, called "Super Rider".



And there are more. There is the "Bamboo Derby" where you have to get through this crazy course on stilts. And another course where you have to walk on your hands. And another where you have to pilot a remote control helicopter without crashing into anything. And so on. Some are individual challenges and some are team challenges. Like the crazy cat wheelbarrow challenge.



And what do you win? Money? A new car? The take home version of the game?

NO! You win.........

Your name added to the Banzuke - the list of champions. Thats it.

This is the kind of crap I watch on TV. It amuses me. Why - I have no idea. It just does.

Requiem For My Sunglasses

As you may recall from last weeks episode, Fred the orange cat got some sort of eye infection that turned his eye all red and puffy. So I had to take him to the vet.

And I did. He had kitty pink eye or something. So I got this goop to put in each eye 2 - 3 times a day. Which I did.

Fred did not exactly like it - but that is his problem not mine.

Well the red puffy eye MIGRATED to the other eye that looked fine last week. So not BOTH eyes are red and puffy. Not as red and puffy as the one eye was last Sunday, but not normal either.

So he had to go BACK to the vet.

The working theory is that he has a kitty cold. This would explain the sneezing, the wanting to sleep all the time, and the two red puffy eyes. And the slight fever. He is sick. And contagious. So I have to watch ALL the cats for signs of cat funk.

As if I have nothing else better to do than this.

At least the cat funk seems to be contained to Fred. Nobody else appears to be sick. Yet. The vet said there is still time for that to change. WONDERFUL!!! Vet trips for everyone! Medicine for everyone! Vet care is free after all, thanks to universal pet medicine!

Oh wait - vet care is NOT free. And the cats get to go to the doctor, but the last time I saw a doctor was when I had to go to the emergency room years ago.

Except for the eye doctor I have to go to when I run out of contacts. And the dentist so my teeth do not fall out. But what is my blood work like? Who knows! Care to guess? Is my liver working? Got me! It seems to be working. How about the cholesterol levels? Again - lets guess!!! Might be high, might be low.

The cats get better medical care than I do. How the hell did that happen???

Anyway there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

REQUIEM FOR MY RAY BANS.

Well pair of Ray Bans, we had some good times together. You were with me for a few years actually. You saw a lot of time on the boat. You were with me in the truck. You were with me for many a daytime drinking mission.

Yes, times were good. But then I dropped you on the floor at the airport, which resulted in the first crack. But I stayed with you. And then over time more cracks developed.

But I was used to good sunglasses. The cheap pairs just did not cut it. I like your Ray Ban green and polarized lenses. Colors look true. Glare is removed.

But now I fear there are just too many cracks. And I can not get replacement lenses, Ray Ban discontinued the style.

I will not totally abandon you. But I have to get replacements.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Yes, I really like my Ray Bans. But I registered for an account with Oakley Standard Issue. These sunglasses are only available to the military and some other people in Federal service. My ID was approved and all so I can get stuff now. For a really good discount too. The standard issue shades may look like the consumer glasses anyone can get, but the lenses are different. They are made to block shrapnel and crazy things like that. So I figure I can probably drop them without any damage resulting. I am going to order a pair. With really REALLY dark lenses. 9% light transmission.

For about 1/2 or less what they cost in the store.

Ask The Iguana

I hope everyone had a good three day weekend.

I am still not sure it is proper to say "happy Memorial Day", because the day is not exactly as festive as say....Labor Day. It is a day of remembrance for those who fought, and died, for the Nation. Kind of heavy subject matter there.

Anyway, Sunday was a success. The floating party was an excellent idea. And since the idea was ALL MINE I can take full credit for it.

But it was a long day. I was not done until 11:30 PM. The day started at 7 AM. That is a long day.

And for some reason, there are green olives and other stuff stuck in my live well drain. The boat has five configurations. Party configuration, diving / snorkeling configuration, camping configuration, working configuration, and fishing configuration. Only one of these configuration involves t he use of the live well as a live well. All other configurations use the live well as a garbage hatch.

Anyhow, there were many bottle caps, plastic and metal, that got tossed in there. Also, grapes and olives managed to get tossed in there. Now one would think that objects like grapes and olives would have been consumed. But not so. Grapes and olives also do not count as "garbage" and may be tossed overboard. Why not.

Anyhow, I have to find a wet/dry vac and clear the live well drain. There could be a bottle cap or something stuck in there.

And now, time for another installment of ASK THE IGUANA!!!

Todays question involves the boor of choice for the massive floating party. I went with Sam Adams Light.

Now there were some good reason for this choice. The first being that Sam Adams Light is just plain good. It is not like other "light" beers. It has a decent color, and tastes good. Like a real beer. Not a full bodied real beer, but I would classify it as real.

The second reason is I could not find any Summer Ale. When it becomes available, Sam Adams Summer Ale is the official boat beer of the summer. It is crisp and refreshing and has a little lemon flavor in it and is just plain good. Perfect for a hot summer day.

The regular Sam Adams is just a bit "much" for a day on the boat. Yea I like the stuff, but out on the boat it can get to you. Forget about Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. It is way too much beer for the boat in the summer. It makes a better winter boat beer. Or a camping configuration boat beer - if consumed at the camp site or at night while at anchor if the boat is the camp site.

So I went with Sam Adams Light. And I found out it is a light beer. I had something like 9 of the things. They must be light to drink that many on the boat.

The calorie content of the light beer had nothing to do with anything. Yea light beer has less calories than regular beer. So lets say regular Sam has 160 calories and the light version has 124 calories.

Yes, I just looked it up. Google is your friend. The difference in smart people and idiots is Google. Smart people know you can Google almost anything and get an answer. Most of the time. Smart people also know not to use the first result and can sort through the bullshit.

Anyway, lets say that I drink 6 regular Sam Adams. That is 6 x 160, so I would have drank 960 calories.

WOW! That is a lot! So let me switch to light beer. And drink 9 of them, because they are light! So that is 9 x 124 for a grand total of 1,116 calories.

See this is why so many people have issues with weight loss. It is not really what you eat, it is matter of how much you consume. A calorie is a calorie - no matter if it comes from a carrot or a slice of cheese cake. Granted, you can eat a few pounds of carrots or one small slice of cheese cake and get the same calories - but everyone knows that.

I once knew someone who was WAY over weight. Actually it was a friend of my mother. Anyway lets just call her "Fat Lady X". Now Fat Lady X was happy when they started to sell Snackwell cookies. Because they had 1/3 the fat or calories or whatever of other cookies.

So Fat Lady X reasoned that she could eat THREE BAGS of those cookies, or one bag of Chips Ahoy.

BZZZZZZ!!!! WRONG! Can everyone see the illogic here? And who the hell eats three bags of cookies in one sitting? Holy shit! Is that even possible?

So anyway, the light beer choice had nothing to do with calories. I actually consumed more calories because I could drink more of the light beer.

For the next boat mission, Ill probably load up in the snorkeling / dive configuration.

Quick Update!

Plans have changed!

There will now be five people on board, not three. The fish box is going to be turned into a cooler for drinks, the regular cooler will be used for food. And more drinks. Water is something you do not want to run out of. So I have:

12 Sam Adams Lights
12 cans of fizzy water (12 oz cans)
1 gallon of lemonade
6 cans of soda
1 sandwich

Everyone else is bringing their own stuff. So there will be more food and more beer and more water and more everything. This is why I need to use the fish box as a cooler. The primary cooler, which holds ice much better, is simply not going to be big enough.

Someone BETTER bring chips. I did not buy any. Someone better. I am testing everyone to see who comes through with the good stuff.

One of the people is bringing a tube that can be towed behind the boat. That ought to be fun.
In fact, it is a lot of fun.

There shall also be a bottle of Flor de Cana 12 year rum, and some manner of vodka. Got to be really careful with that stuff. REALLY careful. Ill not be partaking in that very much if at all. Ill be suggesting people limit their intake of the hard stuff. Things will be OK

I installed the Bimini top, so I can put that up for extra shade. The t-top is great for fishing and I really like it - but it does not provide for very much shade. With the t-top and the Bimini top Ill have a place to hide from the sun.

Pretty much everything is ready to go. I just need to get up (in about 4 1/2 - 5 hours - CURSE YE NOCTURNAL WAYS!!!!!), load the stuff I could not fit in a lockable compartment (assorted snorkeling gear and boat electronics), and go!

And stop for gas. I need gas. One tank reads 1/2 and the other reads 3/4. So I estimate I need around 15 - 18 gallons of gas to fill both tanks. Probably less. But Ill call my guess at 15 - 18 gallons. That was for the last two trips by the way. The boat I have is about as efficient as a boat can get without sails or oars.

It will be sheer madness out on the water. Madness I tell you! Miami is populated mostly by idiots. And since there is no license requirements for boating, anyone can get a boat and take it out. There will be a lot of people out who do not use their boat very much. There will be people who just bought a new or used boat out - people who have never used a boat before. Three day weekends are always crazy. Memorial Day marks the start of the summer season, so it is a big one.

Ill be out adding to the madness. Part of the madness. And Ill have a good time doing it.

Weekend Madness

Time for another weekend!

But not just any weekend. Oh no! This is a weekend of the three day kind. So this means there must be plans.

At my usual Friday night hangout spot, I learned a few things. A friend of mine has an out of town guest staying for the summer. An out of town guest from a smaller community, landlocked in the desert. Away from the ocean or any large bodies of water.

But it gets better. My friend and her guest both like the water. Water is cool. And the guest is pretty much up for anything. If you came to Miami from a small community, and you find yourself living on South Beach it must be very cool. All the nightlife you could possibly ever want is right there! Just leave the apartment and walk around the block.

Anyhow the guest is up for snorkeling and whatever. So this is cool. She has never been in the ocean so it will be fun to hit some reefs. And the guest will love it.

Now where was I again? OH YEA! The plans!!

This weekend is gong to be nuts. Crazy nuts. So I made the decision to not do the snorkeling thing. I do not really want to trailer the boat to the Keys this weekend, and the ride from Miami to the areas I was thinking of hitting make for a long boat ride.

I opted for the "floating party spot" option. That will be fun. Everyone likes a party. And it is a short boat ride. I do not have to trailer a long distance. And so on. The perfect plan! A quick stop in some calm water to test snorkeling equipment and get used to the whole "swimming in the ocean" thing, then hit the party spot with all the other boats that will be there.

And now - for the plan!!!!!

Today - Get the boat ready. Top off the tank from the last time out. Or not, I have plenty of gas as it is now. Other than doing that the boat is ready. Sort of. I never did get those deck lockers fastened down. I might as well at least do that. I also need to unearth my snorkeling stuff. It is around here someplace. I may take a trip to ye old dive shop to price some equipment. The friend with the guest is a diver. I have not gone diving in years, because my other group of friends are not water people. Anyway I need new tanks and/or inquire as to the process of renting tanks. The other stuff I have.

Sunday - BOAT DAY! Get up early and load the boat. Hit the ramp. I have to time this just right. Too late and the ramps may be so full they are closed. I will try to be in the water by 8 AM. Last year at that time the ramps were active but not really crowded. Then hit the anchorage I have in mind to get desert people used to swimming in the large, salty ocean. In a protected safe area. Then hit the party spot.

Monday - Nothing yet. I am sure the group will come up with something.

LATER - A snorkeling mission to the reefs of the Keys. I have a few in mind. Ill get to dive again. I want to pick an easy shallow dive for the first few times out.

American Movie Classics? Who Are You Trying To Fool?

There is some communist bullshit afoot.

In January I applied for some digital TV converter coupons. I lied on the application, saying I did not have cable or satellite service.

But the things never arrived. So I just went to check the status of my application. It seems I was approved, and the things were mailed to me. TWO MONTHS AGO. But did I ever see them? Hell no.

What the fuck happened to them? Beats me. Someone must have collected the mail and said "AH! Something for Lazy. Looks important! Well I know what to do with this! Ill shove it up my ass!".

And if this is the case, I really do not want them anymore.

So you know what that means? $80. I think each coupon was for $40. While this would not pay for a converter, I had a scam planned.

The scam involved some schmuck at Best Buy not giving a shit. Hopefully this person would be working the cash register. The odds of finding this is 100%. Nobody at Best Buy seems to give a shit about anything other than "when is pay day" and "when is my shift over".

Then I grab ONE converter. Now one coupon would not pay for the thing, but TWO would. The kicker is you are not supposed to be able to use two coupons for one converter. But how would the employee know? And why would they care? They get paid the same thing at the end of the day regardless.

I walk up with one converter, and use BOTH coupons. Then I walk out of Best Buy (or wherever) with a free digital TV converter.

But what if I am not allowed to use two coupons for one converter? No problem! I buy two converters. I figure that I would need to shell out $15 each for a converter. Then the next day I return one! I have the refund credited to the credit card. If the thing cost $55 then if I get that $55 back I have got a FREE converter, and the government gave me a FREE $20. Which I can buy a three or so gallons of gas with.

Or if that fails, find some slob without any converter and sell them one of mine for $30. This is less than the $55 they would have to spend.

But all my plans are foiled. Because someone shoved the coupons up their ass.

And now for the LONG OVERDUE slam on American Movie Classics.

What is AMC? It is a channel you get as part of DirecTV service. As you can guess, they show "classic" American movies.

So what would YOU expect to find there? If you said "classic movies" you are.....WRONG! Unless you consider "The Omen III" to be a "classic". COME ON! The Omen III? Are you serious? That is a "classic"???

No you assholes. It is a cheese ball SEQUEL. I would not even consider "The Omen" to be a "classic", let alone part 3.

And here is a list of other movies on that channel in the next few days that are NOT classics - according to me.

1. Jurassic Park. While it is not a terrible dinosaur flick, it is hardly a classic.

2. The Karate Kid. PLEASE! Wax on wax the fuck off. Off my TV screen. Get out of here before I crane kick you in the ass.

3. Dracula 2000. I would consider the FIRST dracula movie to be a classic, but not the 2000th dracula movie. Classic? NO!

4. Halloween. This MAY count as a classic. But not really. I do not think it was the first "crazy demented killer stalks a bunch of young people who are conveniently located in the woods or one house" movie. If it was the FIRST movie of this genre then fine - it is a classic. If not it is a copy cat.

5. Death Wish. Was this the FIRST "regular guy turns into a bad ass after thugs attack his family"? Probably not.

6. Death Wish II. OK while I MIGHT let Death Wish slide, Death Wish II is just a sequel.

7. Death Wish 3. This is a "classic"??? Really???

8. Death Wish 4. Are you people on CRACK?!?!?!?!

9 Death Wish V. Yes, they made 5 of them. 4 was not enough. And all 5 are apparently "classics".
10. Missing In Action. Hey can't leave out the typical 80s "one American bad ass invades a hostile Country and single handedly kicks EVERYONE'S ass" movie! Chuck Norris may get mad.

11. Missing In Action 2. HUH??? A classic?

12. Missing In Action 3. What is Chuck Norris PAYING YOU to declare the MIA trilogy a "classic"???

Classics huh? You Death Wish they were classics. Where the hell is "Iron Eagle" and "Iron Eagle 2 - 200"?? If Death Wish V is a classic, surely Iron Eagle is a classic. And how about "Killer Clowns From Outer Space"?? That has to be a classic! The first ever "space clowns that kill people" movie is not a classic? But the space ship is a circus tent!!

The world is insane. I am the last sane person left. Problem is that all the crazy people think THEY are normal and I am the insane one. And when I try to point out that I am the only sane person left, the crazies just say that the fact I think I am the only sane person left proves I am in fact nuts, for only a crazy person would say that.

But I am not the one who thinks Death Wish V is a classic movie. Go figure.

Primary Madness - Zombie Spuds

It has been a while since I posted about boring political bedtime stories. Posting about Fred and his worms and the litter box is frankly more interesting.

So I have been mum about the whole thing. In the depth of my delusions, I figure everyone reads this blog and I did not want to influence the election.

Now how is THAT for delusional? To think that the scribblings I post anonymously on the internet could influence anything.

It all boils down to math. Which is good, because math tends to be objective.

Now everyone, even Spuds MacKenzie, agrees that for the Democratic primary a candidate needs to secure 2,026 delegates. This is the number that has been reported as the magic number by ALL media outlets since before the first state voted, starting all this madness. Got it? 2,026. Not 2,025. Not 2,027. The magic number is 2,026.

OK pretty simple. I think everyone can follow the bouncing ball here. Even Spuds, who by now has to be dead. Unless he is some sort of ZOMBIE PARTY DOG, roaming about the back rooms of the Budweiser offices looking for brains to eat. Dogs just do not live that long.

The magic number was arrived on based on more math. The way I think it was calculated was by taking all the delegates - super and not super, adding them together, then dividing by two. Then adding one. Got it? You need HALF plus ONE of the delegates to win.

When the magic number was calculated, Florida and Michigan were not included because both states decided to move the dates of their primaries before Super Tuesday. I think.

But still - that was the magic number. 2,026.

Except now one person is claiming that the magic number is actually 2,226. Or something like that. Anyway, one person is claiming that there are actually about 200 MORE delegates than everyone else is reporting. And one person, who happens to be in second place, is claiming to be the front runner. With more delegates and more popular vote.

And before I hear crap about the photo to the right and the switch to talking about the other person - chill out. Relax. I just posted a picture of what Spuds MacKenzie would look like if the dog were still alive today. ZOMBIE SPUDS! Hungry for dog brains. Thats right - a ZOMBIE SPUDS joke! Thats all.

So how can this be?

It can't. The second place person only has more of the popular vote if you include Michigan and do not give the current front runner ANY votes. Which is unrealistic, as there was only one name on the ballot in Michigan. You also have to not count caucuses from other States. I have no idea what you have to do with Florida. I think the proposal is to count Florida as it was.

Got it? For the second place candidate to be ahead in popular votes, you have to NOT count some votes, award all the votes in one state to one person, and then make up a policy to account for Florida.

Hardly objective.

And then there are the delegates. The second place candidate claims that the magic number is not 2,027 but is actually about 200 votes higher. And to "win" that again number 2 has to do some creative math. Like claim all of Michigan. And there was only one person was on the ballot, so even if something like 40% voted uncommitted who cares! The way the math would work is to count the delegates for the one person on the ballot, and ignore the uncommitted votes. And even then number 2 would not be able to clench the new magic number. But if you tinker with the numbers enough, and pretend that Puerto Rico matters (it does not) then maybe the current second place claimed front runner would be able to wrangle the super delegates in line and "win".
And thats right - I said Puerto Rico does not matter. Face it - nobody really cares about Puerto Rico except Puerto Ricans. That is one strange place. It is a commonwealth of the USA, so people there get a US Passport. Flights to and from San Juan are considered "domestic". I can go to Puerto Rico and return to the US mainland without needing a passport. I would not need to go through US Customs either.

But Puerto Rico is not a State. The de facto language is Spanish. Sure English is spoken too, but the primary language is Spanish. The Puerto Rican flag is treated more like a national ensign than a State flag. People there do not pay federal income tax.

And they DO NOT vote in national elections. Puerto Rico has one representative in Congress - but that person has very limited voting rights.

So Puerto Rico does not count. Sure they have delegates. And the second place candidate thinks that the campaign can collect some of those delegates. Maybe even the majority of them. There are 60 some odd delegates there. And then after that there is only one State. A non populated state with a low number of delegates.

OK now are you following the bouncing ball? IF you only count some votes in Michigan (mostly the votes for the second place candidate and give ZERO to the front runner), pretend that Puerto Rico matters, do something with Florida, and not count some popular votes in caucus States, then - AND ONLY THEN - does the front runner change.

Math would suggest that it is time for the second place candidate to drop out. Do not expect this to happen however.

Notice that how using a great deal of skill I did not use any names OR allude as to the gender of anyone. So nobody knows who I am talking about :)

Along For The Ride

This is going to be one of those posts. I have no idea where it is going. Seriously. I got nothing.

But I am prepared! I have another Firefox window open so I can search for stuff. This could either be good or it could suck.

But first....FRED UPDATE!

As you may remember from yesterdays post, Fred the formerly fat orange cat got an infected eyelid. Or cat pink eye. Or something. I still think that one of the MANY Skipper induced cat squabbles caused the infection. Skipper's favorite cat game is called "harass the other cats". I have to admit, it is fun to watch. But I always knew that sooner or later the game would result in a visit to the vet.

Anyhow - Fred's eye is much better now. There is this goop I have to put in his eyes three times a day. Fred does not really like this too much but that is too bad. He gets the goop three times a day. Already the goop has really helped.

But then there is the other Fred issue. He had hookworms. Worms. So this means it is likely the other cats have them too. I have no idea where the hell they came from.

So I have an interesting choice. Choice 1 is to bring the other cats to the vet, resulting in another bill.

OR I can become a cat shit collector. I have to monitor the litter box, and wait for one of the cats who is not Fred to shit. Then collect it. Then take the shit in a bag to the vet, where I can have someone look at the shit under a microscope for signs of worms.

Or come to think of it - I have a microscope! I got it decades ago. It is a decent one - not one of those toy microscopes. I got it at a used medical supply place. Gross huh - used medical supplies? Anyway it is similar to the optical microscope used in high schools and freshman biology classes. Only mine is in better shape as nobody has tried to make a pot smoking device out of it. Yet.

I suppose I can dust that relic off and use it to check the cat shit myself. But then I would need some slides and other related microscope supplies.

I used to have all that shit. I decided to liberate it from back when I was in junior and senior high. I had a whole kit. Slides, covers, all sorts of dyes, and so on. I have no idea where any of it is now.

And why would I need a microscope? This may shock many long time readers but I was a strange person. I would look at a body of water and ask myself "I wonder what kind of microscopic critters are in there". So I would take various water samples (I would sometimes carry around plastic vials) from the water, the mud, and so on. Then rush home and prepare the slides to see what is in there.

I would also take samples from my aquarium filters and look at the stuff that would end up in there. A LOT of stuff ends up in an aquarium filter. All sorts of blobs that move around. Some move fast, some move slow. Some even look like worms.

Now we are back to worms. In at least one cat. So I have to collect the shit, bag it, then haul it to the vet.

So I have this wireless web cam thing. It was on clearance from Office Depot. The original price was $300. I can see why they could not sell them all! $300 for a web cam??? Shit for that spread I can almost get a REAL video camera.

I paid a whole lot less. Clearance items rule.

The web cam is wireless. I think I mentioned this. It will connect to the wifi router thing so I can view things through the camera without any wires attached to the computer. It also has a web server somehow included, so I can put the camera on the internet if I wanted to. I can also control the zoom, pan, and tilt. Pretty cool huh?

Litter Box Cam anyone? This way you can watch the boxes with me. Fun huh? Using the technology of advanced microchips and a vast worldwide computer network to watch cats shit in a box.

Do not worry - the wireless web cam is still in the box. I am considering returning it. But most likely Ill keep it. I suppose.

Fat Fred.

This is Fat Fred. The orange cat. Notice the walrus like blubber covering his back feet. But I do not live in Alaska, I live in South Florida. There is no reason for that blubber.

Fat Fred likes to eat. And since he has no testicles, I guess there is no reason for him to want to impress female cats.

Now I have never had to deal with this before. All the other cats - past and present - would not over eat. I could leave the food out all the time. They would nibble here and there.

Fred got so fat because of the nibblers. They would harass me for food and so I would give them some. They would eat two or three bites then leave. Fred would meander along and eat the rest of the food. Then 45 minutes later I get harassed again by the nibblers.

Fred had to go to the vet Monday. On Sunday I noticed one of his eyes was red and puffy. Infected. I figured that he got scratched. The vet confirmed my theory, and also added it could be cat pink eye. Can cats get pink eye? He also had hookworms and needed cat shots and shit. And then on the way home he soiled himself and his cat cage.

Anyway Fred was weighed. Last time he was weighed Fatso tipped the scales at 20 pounds and a few ounces.

But Fatso has been on a cat diet. I have been getting fat cat food for him. All the cats have been eating fat cat food. Iams Weight Control dry food. When I feed the nibblers I dump their uneaten food back in the bin. The nibblers have learned to eat more than three bites when I feed them.

Oh yea, I had to buy a plastic cat food bin with a licking lid. Someone discovered that they could chew a hole in the bottom of the bag.

The good news, other than the cat shit that was really runny and extra gross did not get on the truck seats or floor carpet, is that Fred's diet is working.

He only weighed 15 pounds three ounces. He lost 5 pounds. The vet declared his fat ass no longer obese. He could stand to ditch another pound or two, but the vet said he is not really "fat" anymore. Or at least not obese.

I still think he looks fat. So the cat diet will continue.

Fat Fred is now just plain Fred.

Florida Burning

It seems Florida is on fire again. There is this wildfire smell outside. A fine coating of ash is covering everything.

And you know why I think it is funny? Just a few days ago the neighbor was out washing and waxing their car. I was tinkering around with something in the boat. Mostly I was just having a beer or two and listening to the satellite radio - but I was also "testing the VHF radio system". See recently I activated the Sea-Tow "Sea Smart VHF" option. So now I can track the whereabouts of the boat over the internet - assuming the GPS is connected and turned on and the radio is turned on. What happens is that now I can give people on the shore (like my dad) the Sea Smart account login info. He can then ping the boat over the computer, and Sea Tow sends an electronic call on marine channel 70. My radio hears it and answers with my exact location.

Thus ending 500,000,000,000 calls every 10 seconds asking where I am. At least that is the idea.

I have given up trying to explain the whole "phone on a boat" thing. So what happens is I get back to the dock and I have 500,000,000,000 missed calls and 500,000,000,000 voice mail messages.

Meanwhile, I was either out far enough that I do not get a phone signal (cell towers are usually NOT in the water so get a few miles from land and you are out of range), or I can not hear the phone because of engine noise, or my hands are wet with saltwater and I do not want to touch the phone, or whatever.

The whole concept of "you do not have to leave a message because I have caller ID" seems to be too complex to grasp. It is rare I leave a message for anyone - as I know they have caller ID and will see my number in the missed call log. So then I have to spend 1/2 hour deleting the messages while trying to drive home with a trailer in tow.

But now most questions can be resolved electronically. Without involving the phone. I was testing the system by logging in from the boat using my laptop, then pinging the boat. The radio beeps and shit, the data is sent, Sea Tow gets it, and my location pops up on a map. Cool.

Anyway the neighbor is there saying that I never wash or wax my truck. So I presented my "protective later of dirt" theory. See if the truck is covered in a protective layer of dirt, then it protects the paint! Right? A cover protects the paint. So if the truck is covered in dirt what is the difference?

Anyway he was out there for a long time, washing and waxing. And now guess what? BOTH vehicles are covered in the same amount of ash.

So it stinks outside. It smells like bad BBQ and burning lawn. We need some serious rain to put that shit out. The smoke is causing people to have breathing problems, and if I am out in it for long enough it gives me a headache.

I feel like going outside right now and writing "wash and wax me" on the neighbors car with my finger :)

People

People are insane.

I went to this thing Thursday night. It was a training class. Anyhow the class is given so many times a year. Usually it is given at location A. Lets just call it location A because most people reading this do not live in Miami and so there is little point in giving exact locations anyway.

Location A is not too far away. And it is in the opposite direction afternoon traffic flows. I like location A.

But there are whiny-pusses who cried that they live up north and location A was too far and too much of a pain in the ass to get to. WAAAAA WAAAAA WAAAAAA.

So this time, the class was scheduled to be held at location B, closer to the County Line. In Opa-Locka. A lovely part of Miami-Dade County.

And you know who shows up? How many whiny-pusses who cried about location A were there?

ZERO. Not one. Everyone there was like "why is this not at location A"?

So what did we learn today? Trying to accommodate whiny-pusses is just not worth it. Do what you want, and if cry babies can not handle t TOO BAD FOR THEM! It is not your problem is it? Nope! Not at all!

Anyway that is what I learned. And when I take over and have to conduct the classes myself, will I care if someone does not want to go to location A? Nope. Don't go. See if I give a crap! No sweat off my ass. I am not the one who needs the class. I am just there conducting it. And if nobody shows up? I get to leave early! Hell on the way home Ill stop off somewhere for a beer.

In other news, there is a three day weekend on the way. It is apparently up to me to plan something for a group of friends. So I am thinking I should start planning a boat mission. I need to find out who is interested in a party on an island in the bay accessible only by boat, and who else can bring their boat so as to get the largest group possible out there. Otherwise with only one boat it will not work out so well. There are the people to transport, and then the food and beer and whatever else.

Ill start planning tomorrow. Or the next day.

Strange Thoughts In My Head.

Sometimes I think about strange things. What kind of strange things? Oh you know. Strange things NOBODY else would ever think about.

For example, are there any rednecks in Canada?


So then I find this picture on Kristen's Blog. In case you do not know, she escaped Ohio or somewhere similar and moved north of the border. Probably for the free health care eh? How does it feel to be the Canadian equivalent of a Mexican in the USA? Except she went there legally. Or so I assume.

Anyway - this photo answers my question. YES. Yes there are rednecks in Canada. A moose mailbox? At least it is not like one of those mass produced "custom" bass mailboxes you see so often in some places.



Do people really think these are cool? I guess so, a Google search for "fish mailbox" turns up a whole lot of retailers that sell them.

Apparently, Canadian rednecks are more creative than American rednecks when it comes to mailboxes. That moose creation looks like someone made it in their backyard and thought it would look cooler in the front yard.

But American rednecks have Canadians beat for custom BBQ grill creations!



I bet the headlights and turn signals work. Cause that would be redneck cool. Also, you could set up the table in front of the grill for night eating. Can't find the beer in the dark? No problem!

So there you go. A sample of what strange thoughts lurk in my brain. Actually "lurk" is the wrong word, for that implies that they are in the dark crevices, hiding. Remaining silent. The truth is they are right out in the open, usually drunk and talking very loud.

But the super-ego part of my brain has a tazer. And it is not afraid to use it. The Super-ego oppresses the strange thoughts, beating them down before they can be blurted out in a conversation.

This keeps people from thinking I am insane. But should the super-ego ever fall asleep on the job, the strange thoughts WILL get out and people will probably call the people in the white coats to come and take me away. To the happy home. With trees and flowers and chirping birds and basket weavers who sit and smile and twiddle their thumbs and toes. HA HA!!!!

Ewwww That Smell. Can't You Smell That Smell.

Not a whole lot going on here.

I did notice a funky smell wafting from the live well. I think it may have something to do with the bait cutting table I did not wash down very well. So right now - as I type - the live well is full of a bleach / water mixture and the bait cutting table is soaking in it.

THAT should take care of any strange smell. And Ill also know if the live well leaks water over time. It has been full for a little over 2 hours now. Ill probably pull the drain plug in a bit and let it drain, then rinse it out, then leave the hatch open so it can air dry.

Other than the funky smell and the bleach / water solution to the funky smell - not a whole lot is going on here.

I really think the bleach / water deal is going to solve all the problems. Bleach is good like that.

Other than that - nothing much worth typing about is going on. Boring old life as usual.

Promised Photos

I think I remember saying something about pictures from Saturday!! So here are some.

Just to recap - for Christmas I got an Olympus SW790. As far as digital cameras go it is unimpressive. In fact, I got used to a much nicer Sony camera, so going to the Olympus was a downgrade.

BUT the Olympus offers one really cool feature. It is waterproof to 10 feet. There is also a housing that is good to 131 feet. Ill probably think about getting that thing at some point. But not now.

Now being waterproof to 10 feet means I can use it on the surface. No problem. It laughs at rain. It also laughs at spray. This is why I wanted it. It is a tough little point and shoot simple to use digital camera.

So for all those features Ill take a hit on picture quality. It is an acceptable trade off. I am not a photo professional anyway.

So here it goes! The first underwater photos taken with the Olympus camera!


I have no idea what that blurry part in the corner is all about. My best guess is there was an air bubble on the lens or something. What you can see is sand (light areas) some sea fans (they are there) and even a few fish. Reef fish. Probably the fish that stole my bait.

The original photo is much larger. But it is also over 2 megs. So I made it smaller. But like I said before, the camera does not take the greatest pictures but it also does not come with a Nikon digital SLR price tag!

But if it were the original size you could see more stuff in there. Mostly the small fish. Very grainy but you can pick em out.

This is another photo. There are more sea fans and some other soft corals as well. I think there are also some sponges. And small bait stealing fish. But you can see there is more than sand on the bottom. All kinds of stuff.

Now you may be asking yourself - is everything so blue? No. Not really. There is all kinds of colors there. You just can not see it! Water absorbs light. The deeper you go the less light there is. At some point you can no longer see the sun.

But the light is not absorbed all at once! The water filters out all the colors starting with red. Just a few feet underwater and red looks purplish-black. Orange is the next color to be absorbed, followed by yellow, green, blue, and so on.

This is why the deep sea appears so darn blue! The white light enters the water, and by the time it is reflected back all that is left is blue, indigo, and violet.

So this is why the pictures are so green / blue balanced. And this is also why underwater photography gets so expensive. You need a powerful underwater flash unit to provide enough light to bring out the true colors. The weak built in flash on my camera is just not going to do it.

In this photo, the blurry stuff is back! I really have to figure out what that is all about. But the bottom is there! You can still see stuff. More assorted soft corals. Pretty neat.

So all things considered, the camera did well. It is really not an underwater camera, it is a land camera that happens to be waterproof to 10 feet and can work underwater. It does OK for what it is.

And I did not want it for use underwater anyway. I got it because I could use it and not worry if I spilled a beer on it. Or if it rains. Or if it gets splashed. Or if it gets sprayed. Or whatever. The camera would be OK.

And so I can take photos like this.



This picture was taken while I was floating around behind the boat. There was a current running. Not too strong, but not really something I felt like swimming against. So that yellow line you see is attached to my ring buoy. This way I can put one of my legs through the ring, and then I can just hang out and relax. I do not have to exert any effort to swim and the line prevents the current from taking me too far away. And I can pull myself back to the boat using the line so I do not have to swim against the current at all.

And since the camera is waterproof I can jump in with it! No problem.

As you can see, at this moment my dad is not catching anything. But the boat looks sharp! As you can see there is plenty of fishing gear in the various rod holders. Just no fish.

Still Catch Free

I think I mentioned something about fishing the other day.

Well I went! This time my dad went. The conditions were perfect. Well offshore the seas were nothing. Mere ripples. It was FLAT offshore. Biscayne Bay was rougher than it was 3 miles out. I blame all the boat traffic in the bay for that. Approaches to some marinas were horrible.

But as usual - no fish. There was a good strike, but the leader wire gave out and the hooks slipped off. Oh well. One of these days Ill get something.

We tried trolling and drifting. Nothing.

So I headed into shallower waters and hit the patch reefs. I caught some fish, but nothing worth keeping. Some grunt, a few short yellow tails, a VERY short strawberry grouper, a wrasse, and more grunt. At least I was catching stuff.

I also took the opportunity to go swimming. THAT was nice. I need to forget about so many fishing missions and do more snorkeling missions.

But today is Mother's Day. So no more boat stuff. The plan for today is hit up Gulfstream Park for some sort of brunch or whatever they are having. It was my dad's idea. I went along with it.

It will be nice. I suppose. The para mutuals were all given a nice face lift thanks to the voters approving Vegas style slot machines.

So......will there be any video poker? Maybe a little. And maybe not. I am really not that into gambling anyway. It is fun so long as you are winning, but when you are not winning it gets shitty and boring VERY fast.

OH YEA!!!! I got some underwater photos of the patch reef fishing area. Ill post them in the next day or two.

Oh Shit

So, what can go wrong when launching a boat?

Nothing. Nothing at all. Except this.

NOTE - I drive a RED Toyota truck. This is a BLUE Chevy something. Not my shit. But still, it was painful to watch this happen.

This is what I saw when I arrived at the boat ramp. Totally by chance. I was in the general area and was having a mystery noise issue with my truck and a marine mechanic friend was in my truck listening for the mystery noise so since I was in the area I drove by the boat ramp.


What you see here is the roof of a Chevy SUV. Just the roof. Attached to the truck is a boat trailer. The owner allowed an inexperienced driver to back the boat down the ramp. The driver wen too far back and the rear tires went under. The exhaust pipe was also under water. The truck started to slide back. Instead of hitting the brake the driver hit the gas. The tires spun and the truck slipped into the SALT WATER. The rear axle of the truck was past the ramp drop off.

At this point the truck is worth $100. All engine parts are worthless. The computer is dead. The electronics are dead. Everything is dead. Worthless.


And this the SUV getting pulled out of the water. I wish I had remembered to take video of this. My phone does video, and this is a cell phone photo. The cowboy tow truck operator was going full bore at this point. As in the tow truck was doing a wheelie. The front wheels of the tow truck were OFF the ground.

But it gets better .


This is the trailer attached to the truck. The truck owner was apparently selling the boat. A small Robalo. Maybe 17 feet. A small bay boat. When the tow vehicle took a bath (in SALT WATER) the trailer was well beyond the ramp drop off. The cowboy tow truck operator did this. In the process of pulling out the truck and trailer, the axle got ripped off the trailer.

This really SUCKS for the owner of the truck, trailer, and boat. I would imagine the prospective boat buyer walked away. The seller has to eat the loss of the truck AND the damage to the trailer.


Really - it was painful to watch. Every time I launch the boat I think about this shit happening to me. So I am VERY careful. I have a wheel chock handy. I use the parking brake. And so on.

But I salvaged the mess! A friend of mine there at the time bought the trailer from the owner for $200. The marine mechanic. I told the owner that the axle was there and that the repair was going to be easy to do.

So my friend bough the trailer. And after a few beers I decided to take part in the salvage operation. So I went swimming. I got in the water by the ramp and helped find the axle with the tires still attached. I helped recover the axle from the drink, and then loaded the axle into my truck. Then the axle was moved to the outboard club where the trailer was. Two bolts later the axle was reattached to the trailer.

I told my friend he should contact the guy who sold the trailer and sell it back to him for what was paid for it. $200. Why kick a man when he is down? The guy already lost a truck. There was no insurance for the truck. The salvage operation was easy. A little swimming. No big deal. The boats were spare parts. So cut a man a break and sell him back his trailer so he can load up and move his boat. Don't kick someone in the head after they were already kicked in the nuts. It is just not right.

Just another day at the boat ramp! This shit is actually not uncommon.

And to make this even better, TODAY I plan to go fishing. With my dad. He never gets to go fishing with me. And seeing as how he did finance a share (a rather large share) of the boat one would figure he should get to use the boat more often.

So today this will happen. I am going fishing. Probably launching from the same ramp where I saw the sunken truck.

I really hope I catch something. The finance company deserves a payoff after all.

And I hope I do not loose the truck in the drink. Ill be super extra careful after seeing this.

I feel really bad for the sunken truck owner. It happens.

One Of These Days - POW! Right To The Moon!

No, this is not a post about the "good old days" when jokes about beating the crap out of your spouse were good for some prime time yucks on the TV.

That is the funny thing about "the good old days". Were they REALLY so good? I say no - they were not really so good. You just forgot the bad stuff.

Lets take the 50s for example. Yea - the good old days! Back when things were more wholesome. If only we could return to those days!

Except for the polio. We could do without the polio.

And then there are the 80s! Destined to become my "good old days". Michael Jackson was normal. People were happy as shit to have an 8086 computer and if you had a CGA graphics card even better!! There were no cell phones so you could actually go on vacation and nobody could harass you with work. Yes - the good old days.

Except for "Breakin II - Electric Boogaloo". The universe could have done without that movie. And parachute pants. What the hell were people thinking? Tight ass pants (that were not just for chicks) with zippers everywhere - and then to make it even better the zippers were not for pockets - they were just there so you could expose a different color of material. The tight ass pants look may work for chicks, but it FAILS on dudes. The universe would have been a better place without parachute pants.

But this post is not supposed to be about ANY of this bullshit!

It is about going to the moon. Now you may not be aware of this, but the moon is not really that far away. Only 238,857 miles. Chances are you have already driven this distance. Sure it took you a few years, but your car goes really slow. The Space Shuttle cruises around Earth at something like 15,000 or 17,000 miles an hour. I think it is closer to 17,000 mph. So at that speed the moon is not really that far away. You would be there in just over 14 hours.

But the moon really IS far away. Yea, you could be there 15 hours after lift off if you had a space ship that could travel at 17,000 mph - but who the hell has that? Nobody - thats who. Not even NASA. Not unless we dug up an old Saturn V rocket and a primitive Apollo vehicle.

But you CAN send your name to the moon! Even if you can not go your name can. It it pretty easy to do this. Just go to THIS WEBSITE and enter your name. Pretty simple. You just enter your name and then you can print out a certificate of participation.

My name is going to the moon. Here is a scan of my certificate that I printed out!!

But this is not all! Skipper The Cat also likes space exploration. Even if the area to be explored has already been explored. So technically this is more like a "we have already been there, but the place is so nice we just have to go back" space mission. Kind of like how I would really like to go back to the Great Smokey Mountains. I would also like to take a day hike along part of the Appalachian Trail I hiked years ago.

But Skipper is just a cat. He has no way of knowing that people have already been to the moon. So Skipper is taking part too.

So there. Anyone can take part. Your name is placed on a microchip that is embedded in the circuitry of the Lunar Reconnaissance Orbiter and is then sent to the moon.

POW! Right top the moon.

How I Almost Killed Myself

But first........READER QUESTIONS!!!!

Bee asked a question regarding this fish I call "dolphin".

Is it really called "dolphin" or is it "mahi-mahi"??

The answer is.....BOTH! And it is also called "dorado". Hind of like how a hurricane is called a hurricane ONLY if it forms in the Atlantic or Caribbean. But in the Pacific it is a "typhoon" and in the Indian Ocean it is a "cyclone". But in the end it is all the same shit.

In Hawaii these fish are called "mahi-mahi". In Spanish speaking areas they are "dorado". But around here they were "dolphin".

But then some idiots started to cry in seafood restaurants when they would see "dolphin" on the menu. They would get all upset and scream about how everyone in there was a dolphin murderer and how horrible the whole thing was. WAAA WAAAAA you are killing innocent playful dolphins!!!!

So places started calling them "mahi-mahi" so idiots would not get all upset and cause a scene.

And now....HOW I ALMOST KILLED MYSELF!!!!

It started at lunch. I decided to hit up this pizza place for - what else - a slice of pizza! And I was feeling like something semi-healthy so I ordered a slice of some sort of all vegetable pizza. It was good. Olives, onions, tomato sauce, green peppers, and so on. Pretty good.

But it needed some of that dried red pepper stuff. You know, the hot peppers? Yea, those.

So I sprinkle the pizza with the dried red petters. I like that stuff. NOT TOO MUCH! Just enough.

But this time something went terribly wrong. Somehow I managed to inhale a piece of pepper. As in "lodged in my wind pipe".

Now is when things get fun. Of course I cough. But nothing happens! I can still feel the pepper in the trachea! It was this strange burning sensation. Not really terrible, just there.

So I cough some more. And then either the pepper or something managed to get into my sinuses. Well this is just great!

So I excuse myself to leave the area and REALLY cough! Time to get whatever is in here the hell OUT!!

And then.....THEN.....

The mucus in my trachea is now saturated in pepper oil or whatever the hell was in there. And it was extra watery. Whatever came out BURNED. Like really bad. And of course the bit that was forced into my sinuses was causing those things to produce watery mucus.

At this point is kind of hard to breathe. Talking was tough too. All I could do was stand there and leak snot out of my nose.

It was pretty awful. My throat was burning, the back of my mouth was burning, I was leaking snot out my nose (which also burned), and I could not really say anything.

But it went away. After some time.

Next time I eat pizza with red pepper sprinkles Ill be more careful not to inhale any of them.

Streak Ended

Some of you may be wondering about the results of the last boat trip.

So here is it. I did manage to catch one fish. In the process I used up about 20 gallons of fuel. So it was a fairly expensive fish - all things considered.

I caught a porgie. I think. It looked like a porgie. I think. Anyhow, supposedly porgies are in the grunt family. Again - I think. I am not sure.

But I caught one. ONE.

Now of course, this is one more fish than I expected to catch. If you go out and expect to catch a lot of fish then most of the time you are going to be in a bad mood. If you go out and expect to have a few beers and spend some time in the boat and listen to some music then you will at least have that going. And if you manage to catch a fish - it is like a bonus!

Anyhow, I left the marina and ran out across the bay and through Biscayne Channel (through the famous Stiltsville) and then to the Fowley Rocks lighthouse. And then off into the deep stuff. I trolled some ballyhoo and an artificial lure. Nothing. No hits. Nothing at all.

Thinking "this sucks" and realizing that if I have to concentrate on trolling and looking for birds and stuff floating in the water really put a damper on time I could be spending consuming beer, I switched to drifting. Nothing. But at least drifting does not use up gas!

So I ran to the Hawk Channel and then south to some patch reefs. After dropping the anchor and deploying all the chum I caught the porgie.

By the way - "chum" means all the shit in the freezer that you are afraid to eat. What is that??? Is it pork??? Beef??? Chicken??? Well whatever it is, it is encased with ice. What will you findif you dare defrost that thing? How long has it even been in the freezer anyway???

And then there is the mystery stuff wrapped in the foil. All you know if that you do not remember when you put it in there.

And of course, there is all the stuff saved just for fishing. Shrimp heads and tails, bits and pieces of fish, and so on.

So all that stuff went overboard. HEY! That thing in the plastic bag was a meatball! How about that? I was going to guess "boiled egg".

By the way, old pork tenderloins stay on the chum hook better than old cuts of steak. And pork sinks, beef floats. Neither attract fish very well. But the frozen inedible shrimp parts did the trick. I think.

And now the freezer is mostly empty. There are some frozen veggies in there, but they only attract sea cows, and you are not allowed to keep those. You have to throw em back.

I really need a stainless steel boat chum grinder. You attach them to a downrigger plate (which came installed on the boat) and then you cram the gross stuff in the top of the grinder, turn the handle, and fish attracting paste is dumped overboard. But this is low on the list. I already have a garage sale blender that is used for blending disgusting stuff into a paste, which is then frozen into blocks and tossed into the ocean in a feeble attempt to catch fish.

Sunday Plan Of Action

OK the plans are set. In stone. No turning back now!!!

High tide is at 8 AM. More or less. So Ill be at the ramp between 7 and 8 AM. More or less. Then I leave the dock on a slack / outgoing tide. To the offshore hunting grounds.

Once the depth finder reads about 250 feet I look at the water to note its color. It should be deep blue. And then the fun begins!!!!

I have to look for birds. Birds indicate fish. I also have to look for crap floating in the water. Crap floating in the water (bodies, sea weed, shipping pallets, tarps, whatever) attract fish.

Anyhow - spy reports have indicated the following three species are hitting the bait.

1. King Mackerel.

2. Black Fin Tuna.

3. Dolphin


Ill take any of the above, but if I could pick I would pick the tuna first, then the dolphin. A bonus yellow fin tuna would totally rock! But the yellow fin is a long shot. A very VERY long shot. Even longer than anything listed above. To be honest, I would stand a better chance finding sunken Spanish treasure than a yellow fin tuna.

Actually catching anything is sort of a shot in the dark. My track record for catching anything is dismal.

Either there are no fish in the ocean, or I suck at fishing. I am still trying to figure out which is the case.

Time Travel

It seems that now you can publish blog posts in the future now! I can write some shit today, set the date to a future date and time (under post options) and Blogger will not publish my post till that day and time.

Neat. Now I can fool people and make myself look normal! No more "posted at 03:30" time stamps for me!!! Oh no, Ill set it up so things are published at 7 AM - maybe 8 or 9 AM on the weekends.

Then people will not think I am not "one of those people". People who are more used to seeing the moon in the sky than that horrid sun.

Yea I know that "horrid" sun is the reason for life on this planet. Without the sun this place would be a frozen chunk of shit floating in space.

But there would be no poverty! And fewer wars! And since we would have never existed anyway nobody would really notice anything different. There never would have been a somebody to notice anything!

And the sun also causes CANCER and WRINKLES and SUNBURN and other shit we would all be better off without.

So I do not really feel like I am missing much. It is kind of nice to go outside at 3 AM and there is..........stillness. Quiet. I can hear traffic a mile away. Really. I can hear cars on the nearest major road driving. I can hear my footsteps on the sidewalk. The crunch of grass that I am walking on seems loud. Trains in the distance are loud and clear.

Still and quiet. Every little sound carries. Can't sneak up on me!

Someone needs to hold down the fort when the moon is high in the sky. Ill volunteer for that shift.

But anyway I can fool people into thinking I am one of them. A day walker.

Anyhow, today I can not be lazy. I have decided that NOW is the time to finish up all the shit I have been putting off, or not really working too hard on. Got to get it done already. I need some ring clamps, silicone sealant, and maybe more hardware. Unless I can remember where I put all the hardware I removed. I think I remember. I am pretty sure I remember actually. GET IT DONE ALREADY!

And then Sunday I may try fishing. Might as well. I got a line on some super bait. KFC skin. Not the chicken, just the skin. So Ill track down a KFC all you can eat buffet place and load up some plastic bags with chicken skin. Original recipe. Snapper are supposed to eat that shit up. And I have a line on some other places to try catching stuff.

If the conditions hold up Ill even try to go to "the edge" for some deep water stuff. The edge meaning of course the edge of the Gulf Stream. It changes from day to day, but generally speaking you are in 150 - 250 feet of water. The greenish inshore water starts to blend in with the deep blue of the gulf stream. Then you look for birds. Flocks of birds diving in the water mean there are bait fish there. And where there are bait fish there are bigger fish. You can also look for things floating. Anything floating for long enough will attract bait fish. Seaweed, garbage - it really does not matter.

Spy reports indicate the dolphin are back.

But so far my fishing track record is not that great. Either there are no fish, or I suck at fishing.

Mac Sucks Ass

Well this is just great!

It is pretty much out of the bag that once again, Microsoft released an operating system BEFORE it was finished.

Vista.

There are so many flaws with Vista that it is too much effort to list them all. It is easier to list the things that work.

Nothing.

You need new software. Your old software that works in XP will probably not work in Vista. And that is just the start!!!!

So no problem. Get a Mac right?

Well someone sent me a Mac Numbers spreadsheet file. But I do not have a mac.

No problem! I do not have the software to create PDF files, but I can view them. I can download a powerpoint viewer. I can download an excel viewer. I can download a word viewer. In fact, I can download a viewer for just about ANY file format out there.

But NOT for anything Mac! Oh no! Some asshole at Mac has decided to keep that a secret! So if someone sends you a mac format file forget about getting a viewer for it.

But if I send someone with a mac an excel format file there is software that will open it.

So why not offer a viewer for Mac files???? Huh you ass munches at Mac??? Any answer? Come on! I do not need to create mac spreadsheet files. I just want to LOOK at them.

So what is it - I have to buy your overpriced hardware that is THE SAME hardware as I can get in a PC, then have your overpriced OS installed on it, then buy your overpriced software just for the privilege of looking at files?

I hope the person in that company who decided to NOT create a free viewer for some mac files gets the worst case of inflamed bleeding infected festering gangrene hemorrhoids in the history of the universe. The ENTIRE universe. Including all the other galaxies - those we know about and those we do not.

The Road Trip

So here is the deal.

I have this flatbed trailer thing. It used to be a pop up camper. But it rotted away and needed a total rebuild.

So I tore it down to the frame, got some lumber and self tapping screws, and turned it into a fairly large flat bed trailer. Being a frame for a pop up camper trailer it can handle a fair amount of weight.

Anyway I have this trailer.

A friend of mine has bought two diesel engines. OK no big deal. People buy diesel engines. They are for a boat. Some sort of boat that uses inboard engines. Diesel engines are the best for inboards because diesel fuel is less prone to exploding.

But here is the problem. Myself, my friend, and my tailer are in South Florida. The diesel engines are in New Jersey.

New fraking Jersey????

So first I ask "why the crap did you buy engines in New Jersey when you live in South Florida?". This is a good question. Engines are heavy. And you have to transport them from New Jersey to South Florida. Can't use UPS for that! Well maybe you can. UPS freight. Or some other freight company.

But the engines are NOT on a pallet. So now you have to pay to have them put onto a shipping pallet and hire a freight company to pick them up in New Jersey and bring them to South Florida.

The answer was simply "because the engines are a good deal".

Good deal or not, they are still WAY up north and they need to come WAY down south. So far south that you have to go back NORTH to get to "the deep south".

Anyhow this is where the flatbed trailer comes into play. The friend knows someone who has a truck. I have a truck - but I ain't driving it to New freaking Jersey. Not without charging by the mile. And then what if there is a problem with my truck? So anyway, I would rather not take my vehicle. I would rent a vehicle if I needed to drive to New freaking Jersey for any reason.

But the truck in question is a diesel truck. And more importantly, it is not mine.

The trailer however is mine.

So anyway, there is talk of borrowing the trailer to haul it to New freaking Jersey, loading up two marine diesel engines, and then hauling the trailer and engines back to South Florida.

OK no problem there. But my trailer really needs new tires first. Last time I used it one tire went flat. So if that one needs to be replaced might as well replace the other one! And the bearings probably need to be inspected, possibly replaced, and repacked with fresh grease. Ill use marine bearing grease as it lasts longer and I have it laying around for the boat trailer. I would also have to replace the spare tire, as it is old and the sidewalls are cracking. It would be fine for a local haul, but not really something I would trust for a long haul. And while I was at it, I would get a second spare tire.

With some help, I could get the trailer ready to roll in a day. I do not know what it would cost for the tires however. But since the engines are for a client (the friend is a marine mechanic and the people who need them have large boats and therefore money) I can probably get a few bucks for trailer supplies.

And lastly - I may be able to go on the road trip. To New freaking Jersey. I hear that entire State smells funky. I would not know, as I have never been there.

In fact, I have never been that far north. It would be neat. I could take the train into New York! Or maybe Philadelphia? Is there a train that runs from New Jersey to Philly? I have never been to either of those places. There is the Delaware River. Never seen that thing. And so on.

So if the road trip happens, and the trailer is needed, and I can go.......well why the hell not? I can not think of any reason to not go. The drive through Florida will be boring as all hell. It is insufferable really. But once out of Florida I will be in.....Georgia! Not really much better to be honest. but Georgia passes quickly. And then there is South Carolina. It too passes.

Really it would not get exciting till somewhere in Virginia. Because that is when I would see "hills". The trip along I-95 would miss the mountains. I would also just barely miss DC. Too bad.

So this is something to think about. It would be a mission however. Get there, get the stuff, get back. No messing around. Not much (if any) sightseeing. Just get there and get back in the least amount of time possible. Not really my idea of fun.

I would want to stop at places and look at stuff. I would also pick another route - possibly I-75 up to the Lexington Kentucky or Dayton Ohio area, then cut across east on other interstate highways to get to the final destination. A longer drive, but way more scenic.

I doubt that would happen.