Baynanza 2008 Registration

Well I done it. I signed up for Baynanza again.

It will be fun. I suppose. I get to transport slaves volunteers out to some island in Biscayne Bay - then watch them pick up trash.

Then maroon them on the island. Cause THAT is how I roll. The ride out is free. But the ride home you have to pay for. Or swim. whichever you think you would rather do. No checks - I only deal in ca$h.

And yes, watch them pick up the trash. Cause Homie don't play that. While the slaves are picking up all the trash, I have important boat captain things to do. Like hang out on the boat to make sure there are no leaks. And make sure the beer is still cold. And make sure the boat tunes are cranking at the proper level. And maintain a radio watch on VHF channel 16. And other things that are not related to actually picking up trash.

See last year I dropped the slaves off by beaching the boat. But the bottom was very rocky and stuff. I did not want to leave the boat there. So after everyone was off loaded, I moved to deeper water and threw the anchor. Then supervised the trash collection from a distance. Then picked everyone up when the trash collection was over.

Depending on where I am sent this year, I may do the same. If there is a god excuse to not actually do anything, Ill take it.

Of course, there is the usual rant. This is a COUNTY sponsored event. And I am volunteering the boat to transport people to some deserted island in the middle of the bay so they can pick up the trash there.

OK - so far so good. Sounds about right to me.

Now does DERM (a County department) talk to Parks and Recreation (another County department) so that DERM even boat operators can launch at a COUNTY OWNED boat ramp for free? Oh hell no. For this would require someone in BOTH DERM and Parks and Recreation to know their ass from a hole in the ground. And this is asking for far too much.

I asked about this last year. And someone from DERM said "oh that would be difficult to do". Oh really. You mean mailing me a piece of paper with an official logo / stamp on it that I could leave on the dashboard of the truck that would tell the parks employees that I was part of Baynanza and therefore able to use the ramp just that one day for no charge? That is hard? Really?

And would it be so hard to also email the Parks and Recreation director about this, so that they could then tell the marina managers, so that everyone is on the same page?

Yes. Apparently this is VERY hard. Way too much work is involved there. You mean I expect someone in DERM to not only write an email (and possibly more than one email) AND create a piece of paper that says "DERM Baynanza 2008 boat captain" AND mail one out to each person who volunteers a boat?

How about this. Hire me and Ill do it. No really, I will take this massive task upon myself. I think I can coordinate it all - if that is all I have to do all year. I know - it will require a full 40 hours a week. Possibly even massive amounts of overtime. But I think I can get it done.

I even have a way to prevent people from scamming the system. NUMBER the parking passes! Yes, number the passes. Maybe get a stamp that automatically moves up one number every time you stamp something with it. When boat captains are registering, ask them what ramp they plan to use.

Now this is where my anti-scam plan gets VERY complicated - so I can understand why no $150,000+ per year department directors could EVER possibly be expected to understand this - let alone a lowly manager or other employee. You may have to pay attention here.

Tally up how many boats plan to launch from each ramp. Then start stamping parking passes. Now mail out the parking passes. Lets say 5 people are going to ramp A and 6 to ramp B. You would stamp 11 passes (6 + 5) and then tell the manager at park A that parking passes numbered 1 - 5 are valid for that park and tell the manager for park B that passes 6 - 11 are valid for that park. And so on.

Now if you know that passes 1 - 5 are valid for your park and you see pass number 18 there, you either have a retard or a possible scam going down.

Really hard there huh?

Also - I want MY volunteer long sleeve t-shirt to say "Coxswain". Not Captain. Everyone thinks they are a captain - when in fact they are just drunk.

Adventures In Market Research

As promised, here is the update to the beer marketing research thing I did!

I can't talk about it. There is the update. No really - I had to sign a thing saying I would not talk about it.

But.....I was also already paid. So what are they going to do if I do blab? Take back my $60? Good luck there! What if I already spent it on more beer? OK - want the beer back? No problem! Give me a jug and Ill piss in it. And then you can sell my piss to a pot head looking for a job because my piss is certified 100% drug free.

So Ill blab. I do not know what I had to drink. That was a secret. I was taken to some room and I had to answer some basic questions. I forgot what these questions were about. I think it was demographics stuff.

I should also add that I prepared for the event by fasting. NO FOOD before the free beer. I wanted to get the full effect of the beer. The taste test was at 8 PM, so you could say I had an empty stomach.

After the initial questions I was given a somewhat stale cracker and a little water. And of course a whole pint of cold mystery beer. Then I had to drink it and answer more questions.

So I hold it up to the light. I notice the color is a sickly yellow. So it is a lite beer. OK fine - no big deal. Most beer consumed in America is lite.

It has a lite beer kind of smell. Which was exactly what I expected based on the color.

Now whatever the hell this stuff was, it was supposed to have some sort of "spice" to it. I know this because one of the questions was something like "how cabo-style is the beer". Cabo style? What the hell is that? Caribbean style. Thats that it means.

The stuff will be marketed as a "Caribbean flavor beer" or whatever. That is if it makes it to the market. See I was one of the people taking part in the study to determine if there is a market for it.

I do not know who makes it. I SUSPECT it is Corona - but this is just a guess. I have no evidence to support this view.

Anyhow I had to evaluate the beer while I was drinking it. How smooth was it. Very smooth. In fact, it was like water with a very slight beer sort of flavor. Can't get much smoother. How bold was it? Not bold at all. Bold is the opposite of smooth. How "drinkable" was it? Fairly drinkable, because it was like water that gets you drunk. Would I consider it a "premium" beer? Hell no. I would consider it another light beer in an already crowded light beer market.

OH YEA! I almost forgot. The pre-beer questions. One question was "how likely are you to buy a micro-brew just to try it"? Very likely. Thats how. In fact - I am ALWAYS looking for micro beers to try. Another question was "how much do you like beer commercials"? Really? How much do I like beer commercials? How about not at all. ZERO! And then "how likely are you to drink a beer because of a celebrity endorsement"? Are they serious? NOT AT ALL! I wrote that a celebrity endorsement for anything makes me LESS LIKELY to try it.

Anyhow after the first beer I was taken to the "chill out room" where I was given two more pints.

After that, I was on beer factor three with no food. I was feeling a little better. I was thinking "this crap is not so bad". And really it was not so bad. I mean it was a lite beer but it did have some taste to it.

I was then taken back to the question room where I had to answer the same questions I was asked while sampling the first pint. So this gave them pre drinking data and post drinking data - to see how opinions may have changed. I pretty much answered them the same except for one question. "How much would you drink on a typical beer drinking session". The first answer was "2 - 3", which to me means 2. Well I had to change that to 6 or more.

You see, this stuff is a lite beer. I can see this as a good binge beer. You do not want to binge on heavier beer. So I was thinking, say I am out at the beach or on the boat and it is summer and hot as hell. Do I really want a thick heavy beer? Oh hell no! I want something lighter and refreshing and stuff. So in this case, I may very well consume a bunch of the mystery beer.

I even indicated on the "when would you want to drink this beer" questions that it would be a good beach and boat beer. Yes, boat beer WAS an option. But would it be a good house party beer? Not for me. I would get better beer and drink less of it.

I have a mystery envelope that was given to me when the survey was over. I may get called back tomorrow. Maybe. If I am called, I get another $15. If I am not called then I am not called. The envelope is sealed with a sticker that says "DO NOT OPEN UNTIL CALLBACK". So I will not open it.

I am also going to register with this outfit to take part in future studies. Apparently, I missed a GREAT one. They had an amphibious car that they were allowing people to test drive. Both on land AND in the water! Holy shit! I am bummed I missed that one. I would have got $100 for driving a jet boat / car thing. I want in on the next thing like that!

Market Research

OK see if you can help me figure this one out.

I decided to catch some news to see what the hell is going on. This should not be too hard, right? I start my quest with the DirecTV remote control. I go to channel 202 which is CNN. Not the best place for news, but it works in a pinch.

But that lizard Larry King is on, talking about the WWE or some other fake wrestling thing. Must be out of topics huh Larry??? Fake wrestling? Is that the best you can do?

Not to be thwarted, I press the guide button and then press "360" which is Fox "News" (Larry King is now in a small screen box and the channel guide is displayed). So I see that on Fox is a program called "Red Eye". The description (provided by the network I presume) says "discussing the day's hottest topics. News. Series". Got that? NEWS.

So I think "well screw it, news is news" and press select. And what do I get?

A LAME ASS COMEDY SHOW! The lame Fox attempt at The Daily Show. They call this "news"?

Now how can this be? I mean at least The Daily Show DOES contain some actual news - which is sad because it is on Comedy Central. But now I go to a "news" channel and get a horrible not even funny attempt at comedy? What the hell? And what are they joking about? Some TV show about a hot chick who becomes a high school guidance counselor. The only news there is that the chick is in fact hot.

All I want is news, and all I can get is some old fart talking to a fake wrestler about fake wrestling and a lame ass not even funny "comedy" show.

I concluded I did not really need to know what is going on and just put the TV on Cartoon Network. It really is the only thing worth watching anymore - save for the occasional PBS program and cool shit on The Science Channel or whatever.

And now for part two of todays post!

You know those marketing research calls you get? Could be anything. Maybe it is someone conducting an opinion poll. Maybe it is someone calling to ask about what products you like. Maybe you recently visited some business and now some asshole is calling you to ask you about your experience there.

I always say the same thing before they ask the first question. Are you going to pay me? I do not care if you are conducting an opinion poll - if you want MY opinion then PAY ME!

Once a marketer asked me why I should be paid for a phone poll. So I replied that whoever is conducting the poll is selling the results. I mean when there is a Zogby poll stating that 80% of Americans think that smoking pot is fun Zogby does not release that poll for free now do they? Of course not. Someone has to pay for it. And someone is making money off it.

So why the hell should I give them my highly valuable 100% correct opinion for free? In fact, they do not even need to conduct the poll. Just call me, pay me, and I will tell them the correct answer.

And this folks is why polls are bullshit. They assume that everyone has an equal chance of getting selected. Except everyone does NOT have an equal chance of being selected. I have a 0% chance of being selected, unless I will get paid. So right there your "random sample" is not so random now is it?

Random sampling works GREAT on things like steel bars, strands of rope, and shit like that. But for things like opinion polls "random" sampling methods suddenly fail.

But one of my friends hooked me up with a marketing research outfit. And they ARE going to pay me for my highly valuable opinion. Only $60. For one hour of my time. Not too bad. I think that I am worth more. In fact, the marketing research firm did not need to have anyone else but me. They could have given me all the money they wasted getting opinions from other idiots. But whatever. So what the hell. I get a free $60 cash for doing what amounts to nothing, and doing nothing (or as little as possible) is what I am best at.

Nobody ever accused marketing majors of knowing anything. This is why they were marketing majors. No math involved for that major! Other than basic statistics anyway. OHHHH calculate the Z score! Big time math there - seeing as how the Z score is given to you on a chart. Just look it up. And I got college credit for that shit??? For reading a chart? Really??

Anyhow this seems to be some sort of beer market research. Beer??? I think I know a little about that. Not too much mind you. I mean I only made the shit from raw ingredients. And it is not like I am not always looking for new and exotic beers to consume. And it is not like I can't tell a fine pale ale from a pilsner from a wheat beer from swill disguised as "beer". Oh no. I am a beer retard only worth the same $60 as everyone else.

So I get to drink samples of beer, and then disparage it for the shit it is. Then I get paid. And then I get free food. And then someone has to drive me home because the marketing people are afraid I may get drunk. God help them if I do get drunk. No telling what I might say.

But chances are very good there will be much disparaging of the beer. You see, part 1 of the market research was someone asking me a bunch of questions over the phone. They would name a beer brand and I would have to indicate how often I drink it.

Now I have taken some marketing classes as part of my FINANCE major (requires actual math). So I know that the brands mentioned will probably indicate what I will get paid to drink and give an opinion on. And what were those brands?

Miller. Miller Lite. Michelob Ultra. Michelob Ultra?!?!?! You mean WATER?!?!?! Seriously? Did they mention Sam Adams? Nope. How about Sierra Nevada? Nope. Anything I usually like to drink? NO! Not a one.

They did mention two or three of what I call "desperation beer". In other words if I really want a beer and all I can get is Heineken then Ill take it. But if I have a choice in a desperation beer and Sam Adams - Sam wins.

I almost messed up the getting paid thing by indicating I NEVER drink Corona or even worse Corona Lite. See the market study seems to be paid for by Corona. So I changed my answer to "once or twice a month". A boldface lie. But I have no problems lying to market research people. In fact, it is FUN to lie to these people. This way funny products make it to the market. Sure! I love this fish flavored breakfast flakes! Why it is GRRRRRREAT! I would buy boxes of this stuff and eat it not only for breakfast, but for lunch as well!!!

Really - if you are so dumb that you do not know your own product SUCKS - then in my opinion you DESERVE to loose a bunch of money. The more the better. So I may keep this in mind and indicate I like the shittiest beers the best.

I will get paid the same amount if I tell the truth or lie. So I might as well have some fun.

Ill have a beer market research update tomorrow. I wonder if they will get pissed if I bring some beer on my own that they can include in the study??? You know, hand the people a bottle of Sierra Nevada and say "tell the Corona people that THIS is beer - the shit they are selling just sucks. Now give me that $60".

Marketing Ideas Gone Wrong

Time for a UPS update!

The driver dude came by, and I just happened to have made arrangements to be here. It is the same driver that always covers this area. And you know what? It seems he is always going to the same places. Not everyday. But some houses get more stuff than others, and the driver remembers those locations. The guy left the item by the door and I guess it just walked off.

So I was given this thing to sign. But you know what? I forgot to read it. There was not much written on it. I think I did read it (I usually read shit before I sign it) but I can not remember what it said. So I will just assume it said "I did not get my shit and so I am making a claim against someone (UPS or the insurance company UPS uses) so that I get the shit I ordered".

If not - there will be a charge back on the credit card. But I really do not want to do that. I really want my LED navigation side lights. I also do not think that the boat stuff place should eat the loss here. They did not do anything wrong. Of course neither did UPS. Some asswipe seems to have walked off with my shit. I hope terrorists packed Ebola in with the navigation lights - and that everyone in the extended and immediate family of the thief was infected.

Anyhow, feeling despondent over the lack of cool LED navigation side lights I decided that what I needed to do was get more crap. And then I remembered that I had a $10 gift card for Boater's World I got from the Miami Boat Show for signing up for one year unlimited towing insurance with Sea Tow. Well why not use that $10 card now?

As you can guess, I got the thing you see to the left. The bag, not the horse collar type II life jackets. The bag holds 6 of those style life jackets. Well I do not have those type II life jackets. I have type III life jackets. Type III life jackets are more comfortable to wear, but may not turn the wearer face up. I may get some type II life jackets, but not right now. So instead of having room for 6 life jackets in the bag I can only stuff four of my type III jackets in the thing. So counting the inflatable life jacket I got for myself I can carry enough life jackets for 5 people on board. But I have to be wearing the inflatable life jacket for it to count during an inspection.

So what is the beg deal? Why the life jacket bag? Well look at the picture again. See how it fits under the top? Out of the way, yet readily accessible. The perfect place for life jackets. Also there is some bungee cord on the bottom of the bag which I can keep my type V throwable device. Out of the way, yet plainly visible and accessible.

Thus freeing up storage somewhere else. Like in the center console, or the bow dry storage place.

There is one problem with the thing however. A MAJOR marketing issue.

It is called the "T-Bag". Really. T-Bag. It even says "T-Bag" on t he front of it. In big white letters. The bag itself is black.

So why if this a marketing problem? Well for those of you who are not already laughing let me break it down.

"Teabagging" was largely unknown, until the John Waters film "Pecker". No, it is not what you think. "Pecker" is the name of the main character who is an amateur photographer. It was a funny movie. At least I think I remember it as being funny. John Waters movies are sort of out there.

Anyhow in one scene there is a male exotic dancer named "Earl Grey". While dancing around in briefs (it is his job after all) he goes up to a customer, and places his nut sack on the customer's face. Over and over. Kind of like how people dunk tea bags into hot water. The bartender then says "hey - don't teabag the customers".

Thus was born the act of teabagging. It is not really known if teabaging was invented by the movie or not.

The marketing people for the company that makes the T-Bag must not watch John Waters movies.

Missing Package

I like to shop for crap online. I was not really a big mail order person back in the dark ages when you had to pick crap out of a printed catalog, fill out an order form with an actual real pen, write a check or send off your credit card info to someplace to be read by someone, then wait decades for whatever it was you ordered to arrive. That sucked.

Of course back in the dark ages, I did not have a checking account OR a credit card. Nobody did. This is why it was the dark ages. Society was so primitive and backwards that something as simple as a Space Shuttle launch mesmerized everyone. Now it hardly makes 30 seconds on the news, but back in the dark ages it was a major event.

But enough about the dark ages, when American cars were actually made in America and would drop actual American made parts all over the highway because they were pieces of shit nobody wanted to drive. Those days are over. And the reason I have a Toyota.

Now doing the mail order thing is so much easier. You place your order on the computer, and the next business day the order is processed and shipped. You get a tracking number via email and now you can check on the status of your shit every hour till it arrives. Very cool.

EXCEPT for when it does not arrive. I ordered something from somewhere. It is really not important where. OK fine from Philadelphia Boat Supply. They had a really good price on some red and green sidelights. LED sidelights. Yes I already have sidelights (they are required by law), but the new lights will be LED so they will not ever burn out and are totally sealed and draw next to nothing and will be mounted higher and be more visible.

The company was quick to process the order and get my stuff in the mail. So all is good there. I dutifully check the UPS website whenever I think about it to see where my shit is.

And on the day it was supposed to be delivered - nothing. Nothing. I check the porch for a box - and there is none.

Thinking this was odd, I checked the tracking number. And it was delivered. OH REALLY??!?! If that is the case - where the crap is my shit?

So I put on my detective had and start to look around, causing great concern to the neighbors because there is this crazy person with a detective hat and a large magnifying glass walking around saying "indubitably" and "elementary" a lot.

My search turns up nothing, except for some dog shit in the front lawn. If I ever find out whose dog is shitting there I am going to collect the poop and mash it into the air conditioner intake on their car.

So I call UPS. They say I have to complain to the company that sent me the stuff. So I said "I am! You guys were supposed to deliver the shit". But no. I have to complain to the boat supply company. Like they can do anything about it?

So I call the boat supply company who says they will track the package down. What do they do? Check the tracking number then tell me it was delivered and is on the porch. So I explain how you can not always believe what you read and the shit was in fact never delivered. So they contact UPS and tell UPS to do a trace.

What the hell is there to trace? I never got the shit. Someone else may have picked it up. The driver may have gone to the wrong place. Who the hell knows. Maybe aliens abducted it. Maybe the Loch Ness Monster stole it. Nobody really knows.

But they are going to do a "trace" anyway. Well fine. Company policy is company policy after all.

Well today UPS sent the driver for this area to start the trace. The problem - I was not here. I did not even know anyone came by because there was no note left or anything. I found out only because I called UPS and asked what was up.

Well now this is just getting retarded. The goon on the phone says that the driver has to ask me some questions. OK fine - this means I have to be home? Yes it does. So now I have to be home waiting for the UPS truck to come by so that someone can ask me what I already told everyone - the shit was not on the porch when I checked. But what if I have stuff to do? Good thing I don't I guess.

And why can't the person on the phone ask me whatever the driver wants to know? Who knows. Apparently the questions are a company secret and UPS believes in compartmentalization of information so that no single employee knows too much. You know, in case Fed-Ex were to abduct and interrogate a UPS employee they would only get a tiny amount of information.
Do not want those phone bank people to know too much! What if they are spies for Fed-Ex or DHL????? The damage to UPS could not be measured.

So now, either myself or my authorized agent has to be here waiting for the UPS truck to come by so I can say "thats right, I never got my shit". And then the driver will drive off to do whatever it is UPS drivers do when they drive off.

And I still will not have my stuff.

Vastness

So, you think you are important. You think you are significant? You think that anything matters?

Whats that? You do?!?!?! Really??? Well consider this.

The size of just the solar system. On January 19, 2006 NASA launched the New Horizons mission to Pluto. It is moving at one million miles a day. The fastest object ever launched by humans. But even at this speed, it will not reach Pluto until July 14, 2015. Right now it is close to or just past Jupiter - where it is probably going to get a gravity speed boost.

But that is not all! Oh no. Beyond Pluto there is more stuff. And then beyond that stuff is the heliopause - the area of space where the influence of the sun ends. Beyond this point the background radiation of interstellar space rules over the solar wind created by the sun. The Voyager spacecraft have just recently detected this area - but they are not there yet.

And then that is just ONE solar system. The galaxy contains hundreds of millions - maybe hundreds of BILLIONS - of other stars. Other solar systems. Even if these stars have no planets around them, they will still create a solar wind and will still have a heliopause. Our lone galaxy is about 100,000 light years across.

But of course there is more to the story. There is the local group, which contains out galaxy, two dwarf galaxies in orbit around the Milky Way (only visible from south of the equator), and some other galaxies like Andromeda and stuff. And then there is the Virgo Supercluster - which contains hundreds of galaxies.

And that is not all!

Just recently, the most distant object visible to the naked eye made an appearance. A supernova appeared in the night sky. It is gone now and it is likely not many people saw it - and those who did had no idea what it was. It was no brighter than a star in the little dipper. But you could see it unaided. No telescope or binoculars needed.

And this supernova was an astonishing 7.5 BILLION light years away. This star exploded before the Earth even formed. For 7.5 billion years, the light has been making its way along. And it still is. Long after humans are extinct, long after our sun goes nova and vaporizes the Earth - that light will still be traveling through space.

Still think the commute to work today matters in the slightest?

Easter

Happy Easter! That is if you are into the whole Easter thing. Some people are, some are not.

Like the baby in the photo to the left. I do not think he is into the whole Easter thing. Not with that satanic Easter Bunny / Santa / werewolf / cat thing anyway. I would be scared too. Someone did an OK job with Photoshop there. Leave it to me to find something like that. Have fun sleeping tonight.

I am happy to report that Easter pretty much crept up on me without me even noticing. For example, I have not had one single Peep. Thats right, not one Peep. Oh I have seen the Peeps in the store, but I have not bought any. Nor do I plan to.

Now Peeps are PURE EVIL. Thats right - EVIL. Why do I say this? Oh I have my reasons. For one, notice how they are packaged? There are like 5 or 8 of them stuck together. Ever try to just eat one? You can't. It is impossible. See once you eat one the whole string is contaminated. The open Peeps wound dries out and can ruin the whole string. So you have to eat them all.

They also have an evil magical power over people. Peeps are NOT really good. in fact as far as candy goes there are much better selections. They are just marshmallow goop covered with sugar and squirted with food coloring. Yet people go CRAZY over them. I have known people that would stock up on Peeps, as if they were a valuable commodity. They would fill the freezer up with Peeps, so that for a few weeks after stores were not selling Peeps anymore, they would still have a supply. And to make matters worse they would proudly tell everyone this.

Much like the cat who sees dead Peeps, I was a little freaked out by this too. These were people who would not stock up with food when a hurricane was on the way, but they would hoard Peeps. And for what? Those things are not really that good anyway!

So why hoard them? I can only attribute this to some EVIL black magic. Some sinister force deep inside the Peeps that causes people to do irrational things. Like fill up their freezer with more evil. That or there was a store somewhere selling "special Peeps" that had a secret ingredient that nobody told me about. Some sort of green leafy secret ingredient.

Of course the people I knew that would hoard Peeps would also go to McDonalds when they used to have 29 cent hamburger day and buy bags and bags of hamburgers. Then they would eat a few for lunch and freeze the rest, so that for the remainder of the week they would have a freezer full of 29 cent hamburgers. Really. I knew people who would do this. At first I found it amusing, but after a while I found it to be sad. Here were people who were slaves to the 29 cent hamburgers. People who one day will probably need the fire department to demolish a wall to get them loaded on a flatbed truck so that they can be shipped off to fat camp. I mean I would sometimes go and get some 29 cent hamburgers too. But not 50. I would be happy enough with two or sometimes three. That was all I could deal with at one time.

So maybe the Peeps are indeed evil, or maybe the people in question who I used to know who would hoard Peeps just had a problem. Who knows.

Of course Peeps are not all what Easter is about. There is some other stuff too. Something about zombies people rising from the dead. BAD ME! I did not mean "zombies". Notice how I struck it out. That is just wrong. I blame the beer for the cynical views.

And Easter Eggs! Yes lots of eggs. And rabbits. But how did rabbits ever become egg distributors? Well I have a theory. I shall not mention what that theory is. For my theories often make people uneasy. So no mention of my crazy theories.

Face Plant Friday

I know you want to look at this. I know you do. But I also know that you are thinking "this is just WRONG!!! You can not call them that!".

Yea, I know. But labels aside, I know you are going to click this link.

Midget Face Plant Friday.

So just go on and click the link to see what Midget Face Plant Friday is all about. It is a massive face plant. A legendary face plant.

I had fun Thursday. Sort of. I am going to send the lawyer all I have. And here is the fun part! It seems I have done all the work already. I have pretty much already written the letter. All the lawyer has to do is add a few lines of angry law stuff threatening to take it up a notch if the letter is not answered and mention my willingness to settle this whole matter right now by giving me the stuff I want, sign the letter, and mail it off.

Actually, I could probably write the angry law stuff too. But I may overdo it so I will leave it to the pros. They know better than I do what is and is not a good idea.

Like this for example. Sending the letter with a "Happy Easter" card. That would probably be wrong. And modifying the card to say "Happy Fucking Easter" would be even worse. Yet this has occurred to me that I could do this.

But then I would come off as angry and unstable and stuff - and I am not really about all that. I am annoyed, but not really "angry". I have found that being angry requires far too much effort. I am not about that. The effort that is. But being annoyed is more low key. I can keep that up for a long time. And I can do it without a significant increase in blood pressure.

So they can ignore my emails. They have ignored my emails. They can send me half of the shit I ask for. They can leave out important details that I ask for in writing. They can treat me like I am a dumb ass. Fine. I can live with that. And they may think they can get away with it.

But now lets see them try that shit with my lawyer. Go on, try. I want to see the results. It will amuse me.

And at this point, my life is all about MY amusement. So dance trained monkey. Amuse me.

Apply The Leaches

The day has arrived! Today I get to go talk to some lawyer to seek legal advice.

I had to fill out some questionnaire thing - which I did. I was very careful filling it out because the consultation is expensive. It seems lawyers think they are worth $100 for 20 minutes. But the review of the questionnaire thing is "free". The way I think it works is they review the shit I hand to them, and then the consultation consists of them asking more questions which I then answer.

I think I have a case here. But what the crap do I know? I am just some jerk wad who is not worth $100 for 20 minutes of what some people call "work".

No but seriously I think I have a valid gripe here. And if the lawyer agrees then the games begin. And should I prevail then someone else pays the legal fee. If this happens then I do not care what they charge. Charge $1000 for 20 minutes - if I am not paying for it I do not care. In fact when I do win I WANT the legal bill to be some obscene amount so that it all comes back to the person who decided to break the rules and that person has to answer to the higher powers. That ought to be good.

My questions have gone unanswered. I am being ignored in the hope that I just go away. But I am not planning to just go away. So they can either answer me (which they decided not to do) or they can answer a letter sent by a lawyer. Lets see them ignore that!

I do not know what the final outcome will be.

Tikki Beach

Tuesday was the day for the volunteer party on the Tikki Beach party barge. Of course I went.

As you can see, it was a wild party. This photo was taken on the upper deck while I was sitting at one of the three bars on board. You can see the "sand beach". It is a thin layer of sand over the steel floor. It does add a nice touch however. Very beachy.

Most people at the event were on the lower deck. The food was there. The food was kept warm by those cans of gelled fuel, and the plastic windows were in place because it was a little breezy.

So I found it was better to hang out on the upper deck. There was a nice breeze, two bars (lower deck has one), fewer people, and I found the lower deck to be a little hot and stuffy.

This was the view off the stern. That is the back of the boat. So if the barge were moving, this view would be of where the thing was, as opposed to where it was going. In this case the view is the Ft Lauderdale Intra Coastal Waterway (ICW) looking south. The photo was taken through a plastic window.

The ICW in Broward County is pretty neat. It is a wide saltwater canal, at least 15 or 20 feet deep. Or something like that. It is deep enough to accommodate the luxury mega yachts and large sailboats and stuff. It is the Venice of the USA. Branching off from the ICW are many other canals, each canal containing some very expensive homes, or any number of businesses such as bars, restaurants, boat yards, marinas, and so on.

This is one such home. As you can see it is nice. The seawall with the posts is where whoever owns the home can dock a boat. As you can see, there is one such boat there. A big one. I would estimate it to be at least a 50 footer. At least. And behind it looks like another boat of some sort. I would not be surprised is an even larger boat is usually docked in front of it.

The seawall with the boat is on one of the canals branching off the ICW. The seawall with no posts faces the ICW.

And this is just one such home. There are many others - a lot of them even larger. I heard that 80% of the world's mega yachts are sold from Ft. Lauderdale. And I believe it. The ICW is clogged with giant boats. I see a lot of ultra luxury yachts in Miami, but I see a lot more when in Ft. Lauderdale. They are everywhere. The boat you see in the above photo is not large enough to really stand out. You would see it and think "oh look, another boat".

Here you can see the view from the bow of the boat. That is the front. In the photo, you are looking north on the ICW. Remember what I said about the large number of big boats in the Broward ICW? Well just look. That half boat with the blue top you see is just an open center console boat. Lets just call it a 25 footer. In front of that is a small yacht, probably no larger than 30 something feet. Beyond that is a boat with the bow sticking out into he ICW. And then beyond that is another yacht. And this is only a very short section of the ICW. Maybe 1/4 mile.


So that about wraps it up. The party on Tikki Beach. And a few photos taken under shitty lighting conditions.

I do not know if I will volunteer for the WInterfest Boat Parade this year. I had a good time last year but it turned into an all day event. I had to wake up extra early, hitch up the boat, tow it 30 miles to Broward County, put the boat in the water, kill time for a few hours, go to my assigned location, watch the boat parade, and then return home. For the return home, the ICW was thick with boat traffic. I had never seen so many boats in one place ever. It was like driving on a freeway only I was in the water and going slow because the whole waterway is a slow zone. In Miami, you just do not see that many boats in any waterway. It was wild.

And then when I get back to the boat ramp (which was not at all busy and this surprised the heck out of me) I have to get the boat back on the trailer and haul it home 30+ miles to Miami.

But it is not over yet! No! Now I get to clean the boat and flush the engine. And then I get to put the boat away.

At this point I think it was past midnight. It was a long day.

So I do not know if I will volunteer this year. I will if I can, but who knows what my schedule will look like in December.

Inshore Day

What an action packed day I have planned!

And of course by "action packed" I mean "try to catch some fish". Now under normal conditions missions of this type are less than action packed. The last few fishing trips have not exactly been productive.

The fishing team logo pretty much accurately summarizes the last few excursions. Can't catch shit. Well this is not exactly entirely true. I did catch some shit, but it was not worth keeping. There was the one snapper that was just a little short that was tossed back. And of curse I was able to catch a bunch of small grunt for bait. I can usually always catch bait fish using the secret weapon. And what is that?

1/4 stick of TNT tossed overboard with about 25 feet of wire attached to the detonator. The resulting explosion causes all sorts of interesting things to float to the surface. Some of it makes decent bait, the rest makes good chum.

Or I can use the sabiki. This is a series of hooks on one length of fishing line. I put a little tiny piece of shrimp on each hook and drop it over. Within a minute I have two or three bait fish on the line. Reel em in and place them into the live well. Repeat as needed.

Conditions are supposed to be crappy. 20 knot east winds. Seas are supposed to be 7 - 9 feet in the gulf stream, 4 - 6 feet near shore. Needless to say, I will be avoiding that mess. I will stay in the bay, where things will be a little more sane. East winds in the north bay are not a problem. There is a land mass (Miami Beach) that blocks the direct path to the open sea. So it will be breezy, but not really that bad in the bay as long as I stay away from the exposed areas. Not a problem.

The target fish for this excursion are sea trout and possibly snapper. Or whatever I can catch.

As of right now it does not seem like there is a lot of wind. So tomorrow IF the wind forecast is way off then it may be possible to get outside the bay. But honestly I do not think the forecast will be that off. If they are calling for 20 knot winds then the winds will be at the very least 10 knots.

It will be an inshore day.

Taking It To The Next Level

I went and looked at a sailboat Saturday.

I felt an instant connection to the sailboat. I was born in 1974. The boat was born in 1975. The boat is pretty much the same age as me.

Yea, she is a little rough around the edges. But it is not reasonable to expect a 34 year old boat to look new. The hull could use a good repainting. It would be work, but I could do it. I have the time. Just work at it a little at a time and it gets done. The hull and decks would need to be sanded and then repainted. The waterline stripe is faded and worn out. The bottom paint needs to be redone.

But I have access to a sander and a paint sprayer. It would be some work, but I could get her sanded. Repainting would not be too hard if I used the sprayer. Compressed air rules.

Her rigging looks good. It is all stainless steel. The stainless steel is not all shiny and new looking, but it has character. It is stainless steel after all. The mast steps down with an electric winch. This is nice.

The inboard engine is diesel. Now I do not know a whole lot about diesel engines, but the guy claims it runs. Of course I would want to hear it crank up AND go into forward and reverse gear. I would also change the oil and filter. In fact, it may be a good idea to haul the engine out and have someone look at it. I have a feeling that the engine is original and I do not know how well it was maintained. I have no good way of telling when the oil and filters were changed last.

The engine hour meter was removed. It was still in the boat and said 400 hours which is nothing for a diesel. But that could have been 400 hours of use 20 years ago.

It has a 12 gallon fuel tank. But this is a lot for a sailboat. You only use the engine to get into and out of port anyway. You also use it for times when there is no wind or when the wind is not in a favorable direction and you have to remain in a narrow channel. Otherwise you are under sail. So 12 gallons can last a very long time.

And if the engine is shot - then I remove it and plug the hole where the prop shaft is now. Then I get a small 15 or 20 HP outboard engine and throw that on a kicker bracket. The boat is now lighter and faster. Or I can add a larger fresh water tank and keep the weight the same.

If the engine is good then I can get a small diesel generator and add AC. The boat does not have AC. I would really want the AC to weekend on the boat in the summer.

Diesel is better than gas because there is a lower explosion risk. It is a lot safer than gas.

The cabin looks very 1970s. Red. LOTS of red. Hardwood floors however. The floors are rock solid. The berths are also sofas. The V berth up front is kind of small, but could be used for sleeping space. The toilet is in the V berth and is not enclosed. But I could take care of this easy enough. Just put up a curtain. No problem.

The cabin is not very big. I can not stand up in it. But once siting down there is enough room.

The trailer is shot. It is in sad shape. I would be very careful towing it. It would be a slow speed drive home. Then the boat would need to be put into the water and moored somewhere, so the trailer could be repaired. Then I would need to get the boat back on the trailer so it could be repainted and whatnot. I would probably also rewire it. The electrical system can not be that complicated.

I did not see the sails, but they are supposed to be in good shape.

So now what? I do not know. I would have to get the boat surveyed before anything. But I just do not know.

My gut says pass. I will probably trust the gut. There will be more sailboats.

Need A Better Alarm Clock,

For the most part the fancy cell phone is working out OK. But there is one problem.

I have grown attached to cell phone technology. For years now my phone has also been my alarm clock. Every phone I have had was annoying enough to work as an alarm clock, and useful enough so I did not smash the shit out of it when it went off.

The perfect alarm clock. And yes, I have smashed the shit out of alarm clocks before. Back before I became one with the universe using advanced zen techniques and as a consequence was more angry.

Also the old alarm clocks were not really that useful.

But this new phone has a shitty alarm clock. Really crappy. Useless even. It is like (whispering) "please wake up now! You have to get up! But I can see you are sleepy so I will just be quiet an not bother you anymore!!".

Well that crap does not work. I need an alarm clock that says "HEY YOU LAZY BASTARD! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!!! DO NOT MAKE ME TAZE YOU, BECAUSE YOU KNOW I WILL!!!".

I need an alarm clock that is not playing games. I need an alarm clock that will do whatever it needs to do in order to get the job done.

So I downloaded this program for the phone. It is an alarm clock. But it is LOUD.

But for whatever reason, it does NOT always go off. I need to figure out why.

But all is not lost. I have another alarm clock. A fat orange furry one. Fred. He gets hungry, and knows when it is time to be fed. So he knocks shit off the shelf and onto my head when it is food time and he has no food. This usually wakes me up. Usually.

In other news, UPS sucks. I ordered some crap. I saw the stupid UPS truck drive by the place. I knew that I was supposed to get the package on Friday. So I think "well here is my package!". And the truck drives by without stopping.

Strange. It should have stopped. If UPS that sofa king we todd ed that they send two truck to cover my hood?????!?!

Apparently they are.

So later I check the tracking number. It says "delivered". WHAT!?!?!? Delivered?!?! Really?? So I click on the "delivery conformation" link. It says "porch".

So who the fuck is "Porch"???? I do not know anyone named "porch". How is "porch" a delivery conformation??!?!?

So I check the porch. Nothing there! No box with red and green LED sidelights for the boat! So I look again, just in case I am retarded and can not see a box. Nope! Still not there!

Strange. But stranger things have happened. I live at XXXX SW XX street. OK so what if I check at XXXX SW XX Terrace? Sometimes delivery people and the USPS gets XX street confused with XX Terrace.

So I go one block south to check the house with the same numbers as the place I live at, only on XX terrace and not XX street.

Nothing. No package was left there by accident. I tend to believe the elderly hispanic lady who lives there because she does not have a boat and therefore has no need to LED navigation lights.

So what gives??? Where the hell are my nav lights? I sort of need them you know. Not really a HUGE deal as the boat has red and green side lights now, but I never liked the lights it has. The new lights will be brighter and they will be installed much higher, so they will be visible for a longer distance. But as it is I am legal to run at night now.

Anyway I already left a message with the company that shipped the lights letting them know the RETARD UPS driver who clearly rode the short bus to school messed up and my package is nowhere to be seen.

I can see this becoming a hassle already. The last thing I need.

One Of Them

I remember making fun of people with Blackberry devices. Always checking email from everywhere. Tethered to their mobile device as if life itself depended on it.

I would laugh at them and refer to the device as a "dingleberry".

But my new phone has internet access and the unlimited data plan. When I first got it I was using the data plan a whole lot. It was a new thing. But really the internet browser it has sucks ass. The Iphone browser is much nicer. Opera makes it more usable than the Internet Explorer mobile version the phone came with. What a piece of shit that is.

But still, I have found some uses for data on the phone. Like for example Google Maps. If I am out somewhere and need to find some place, I can open Opera and do a Google search for whatever I am looking for. Then go to Google Maps and punch in the address. Turn on the phone GPS and I am there. Street level mapping.

Also I can use the phone to receive XM Satellite Radio programming, but this would require an extra monthly charge. I used my three day free trial but never subscribed for anything else. But the option is there!

However, I recently did something else. I created an email account for my phone. I own a domain and the hosting company allows me up to 1500 POP3 email accounts. Well I do not need that many, but it does offer the option of multiple accounts. So I created one for the phone. Two actually, but I decided the first one was too long.

And now I find myself to be one of them. Checking the phone for email. Finding reasons to send email from various places. Because I can.

But I am still not a dingleberry person. You do not see me constantly sending and receiving emails on the phone. I am not always typing away, lost in my own little world and not noticing what is going on around me. In fact, I have not even given the new email address out to anyone. I do not really want to get what I call "instant pestering" messages on the phone.

I do not want to be one of them, but the modern world seems to demand that I become one of them. I am resisting as best I can. But one man, alone, can not fight a world war. He needs an army. At least. Actually he needs an army, and air force, and a navy.

Out Of Beer

Yes it is true. I am out of beer.

Of course "out of beer" means something different to me than it may to you. I have a few bottles of Bud Lite left over from a boat fishing mission. Someone brought the stuff along and forgot to drink it all. So it came home with me in the cooler. And I still have it.

But I do not really consider that stuff "beer". It is to beer what Sweet-N-Low is to real sugar. It is to beer what "low fat sour cream" is to REAL sour cream.

In other words, not the same. Not even close. But you can learn to live with it IF you have to. And why do I have to? Well it seems I am too lazy to get more beer. Plus I have been going out drinking every Friday, imbibing in pints of Sam Adams.

The way I look at it, I am consuming close to a weeks ration of beer that one day. So there is no reason to keep more at home. If I did keep the good stuff at home, then it is likely I would drink more than the recommended weekly allotment of beer, which I think is 5 or 6 servings. Something like that. I remember it averages out to less than one per day. It is less for chicks.

I think that whoever came up with this suggestion is sexist. But who am I to question such things.

My brain works like that. If I can consume X amount of something per week, then if I go at it madman style one day I can fast for other days - so it all works out. Somehow.

Problem is that the same study that came out with the recommendation also mentioned that more than 2 on any one day was not so good for you health wise. OH WELL! What the hell do they know anyway? Plenty of old men in Ireland would piss all over that study.

But there is other stuff I am looking for. This stuff. Pusser's Rum. Supposedly, it is the same rum issued by the British Royal Navy up until 1970. For 300 years, rum was consumed around the world on every British Royal Navy ship. Twice a day men would gather around what became to be known as the grog tub, where the ships purser would distribute the good shit to the men.

The rum had to be mixed down. Diluted with water. This is because back in the days when wooden sailing ships ruled the seas rum was VERY strong. Ships had limited space, so you had to make every bit of space count. Therefore, the overproof stuff was loaded in ships.

But there were rules to how the stuff was mixed down. First the purser would pour a very little amount of rum into a container. Then he would add a sprinkle of gun powder. Next he would take a magnifying glass and focus sunlight at the rum. If the gunpowder ignited, then the rum was "proved". If it would not ignite then it was because there was too much water in the rum. Similar methods were used in the wild west to prove frontier whiskey.

Anyhow after proving the rum, it was poured from one barrel into another larger barrel for mixing. The ratio was one part rum to two parts water. The mixing barrel had the words "The Queen God Bless Her" on it. Each man would approach the barrel with their rum container. The purser would say "The Queen" and the sailor would say "God Bless Her".

Before 1740 rum was rationed to men neat - without water. They would get 1/2 pint. More than enough to get tossed. After the order came down in 1740 to water the rum down, men got a full pint per day. So in effect, they got the same amount of rum.

By 1970 the tradition was reduced to a mere 1/8 pint,2 cups, per day.

Anyway, supposedly after Black Tot Day, or the day the Royal Navy stopped the tradition of daily rum (called tot by sailors) allowances, the Pusser's Rum company licensed the formula from the navy. This rum is blended, and the formula is supposed to be authentic to what was actually issued.

So I want to find some. Why not. Then I can hang out with sailboat people this Friday and revive a very old naval tradition.

The Queen. God bless her. Or whatever.

Correction

One of the comments posted yesterday mentioned awe over the megalodon tooth photo. So, just how big was this thing? Well nobody knows. But we DO know how large sharks of today are. So unless the megalodon was some kind of deformed creature with a short body and huge mouth, science has extracted this comparison diagram. The little thing that looks like a scuba diver is an average sized adult in scuba gear. That little fish is a great white shark.

And it also seems that I was a bit off. They did not die out on the last mass extinction event. As best science can tell, they were around till 1.5 million years ago. It is though that climate change relating to the ice age and warm shallow seas drying up is what did them in. Also many species of marine mammals went extinct during this same time, animals which the giant shark likely fed on. No food = no fish.

So the mass extinction 65 million years ago did not kill these things off. Had I known this yesterday I would have picked some other extinct creature.

But I have a valid excuse here. I am not a paleontologist or a bigfoot hunting, Loch Ness Monster seeking cryptozoologist.

But all this fish talk reminds me of something. I have not gone fishing in a while. So I should do that. Maybe Thursday???? Ill have to check my busy schedule and see if I can pencil in some time.

The Megalodon

Still not a whole lot going on here. And I still can not talk too much about the nothing much going on.

It is just like that.

Sooner or later things will pick up. At least that is what I keep saying. And sooner or later that will be the case. But not now.

Anyhow - there is no telling what the future has in store. Probably good stuff. Assuming that the Earth does not get whacked by a rouge comet or the Yellowstone super volcano does not erupt or something like that.

And if it does - oh well! Shit happens. And sometimes there is a mass extinction where 90% or more of the life on the planet is wiped out. At times like this it seems that the dominate species do the worst. Ask the megalodon. Not much is left of this once mighty fish. It seems to have gone extinct in the last mass extinction event.

And this was a good thing for us lowly mammals. This is an actual megalodon tooth. If these things were still roaming the high seas, the water would be a scarier place. Just take a gander at that tooth!

Of course nobody really knows just how large this fish was. The problem with sharks is that the only bones they have is the jaw and teeth. The rest of the fish is cartilage, guts, scales, muscle, and other soft tissues. This stuff tends to rot away long before it can be fossilized.

However, it does not take a genius to figure out from the tooth that the ancient shark was HUGE. Way larger than any shark needs to be. If any were left, they would truly be sea monsters.

SO....getting back to whatever it was I was talking about - barring any mass extinction events, things are bound to pick up here. Sooner or later.

Whats Up

WOW! How time flies. It seems like it has been forever since I have made my usual blog rounds.

So if you have noticed a lack of comments by me on your blog, it is not intentional. It just is. Things are going slow here. Very slow. Just creeping along. Slowly.

This leaves me with very little to contemplate here. No funny stories. No musings. Very few rants.

I suppose you could call what I have "mild depression". Or maybe it is just called "bored". Or maybe mild depression and bored are the same thing. Who knows.

I just think I need more things to do. New challenges. A new direction in life. And all that shit.

The war with the powers that are continues. At this point I may have to involve an attorney in the process. But this presents an interesting problem. Should the problem turn out to be unsolvable, where will the money to pay the attorney come from? Will I have to sell a kidney on E-Bay?

Anyway I am thinking this may work out for me. If the attorney knows that if he/she loses the case then they get the big goose egg, but stand to win fabulous prizes for victory, then maybe they will put more into it. This falls under the theory of "a rising tide floats all boats". I win, they win. I lose, then they lose.

The way I see it, you are either on Team Lazy or not. None of this "I am on your team but I want to win even if you lose" bullshit. How is that even possible??

But seriously, the attorney will probably want something up front. Something green, paper like, and rectangular in shape.

So I have to evaluate the merits of this plan. What do I stand to gain? What are the potential costs? Does the potential gain outweigh the potential cost?

But there are other factors involved here. At this point, I am taking it all personally. So my gut says "if they want a war, then a war they shall get".

In the end, the gut usually gets what it wants. The brain is just along for the ride.

Up To No Good.

It seems I spaced a few days. OOPS! It just kind of happened.

I guess I got lazy. Big shock there! Me?? Get lazy??? NEVER!

Anyhow it was a fun filled action packed span of time I neglected to post anything. Sort of. Actually it was pretty boring except for....

Yet another marine flea market! I went. I got more stuff. One of these years I will have enough junk that I will have to get a booth at a marine flea market and sell the crap I have been collecting. Thus completing the cycle of the flea market.

So, what fabulous treasure did I walk away with this time? All sorts of goodness. Here is a list, along with the purpose of the item and how it is useful.

1. Tray for the boat gas grill. Recreational. Now I have a platform thing that attaches to the grill on which I can keep stuff. It also looks cool. $10

2. Radar reflector. Safety. Reflects radar signals so larger boats that run radar will see me as a larger blip. $12

3. 25 feet bungee cord. Recreational. Now I can fix the stretched out bungee cord on my rod holder inserts. $5

4. Loose pieces of Starboard (marine plastic "lumber"). Functionality / safety. I will use this material to make backing plated for the cleats. $3

5. Drift anchor. Fishing. Toss this device over the boat and it acts as a brake to slow my rate of drift. $15

6. New battery compartment hatch. Cosmetic / functionality. The old hatch cover broke so now I have a new one. I also got a matching hatch to replace the old hatch in the center console. $40 for both.

7. New round hatches. Cosmetic. The old ones are still good, they just look crappy. So I have new ones now. $6 for the set of 4. They match the new battery / console hatches I got.

8. Magic chum. Fishing. Some sort of magic chum that does not need to be kept frozen and is supposed to last hours per block. 4 blocks for $20.

9. 12v horn. Safety / required item. Florida law says I must have a sound producing device onboard. Up to now my sound producing device was a plastic whistle. Now I have a dual horn. $20.

I think that is it. Not too bad really. I needed MOST of that stuff. I probably did not need the BBQ tray thing, but what the hell. For $10 I got it. They are not being made anymore (the grill is not in production anymore) so it was either get it then or never. I probably also do not need the radar reflector. I have enough metal now with the new top to show up on radar. But safety is always good. I should have bought two really. In case I ever do get that sail boat. I may not have needed the drift anchor, which is really just a small sea anchor. But again - that the hell. I have one now. If I am ever in foul weather and the engine gives out I have a way to keep the bow pointed into the wind no matter how deep the water. And who really knows if I needed the magic chum. but again - I have it. Chum that comes as frozen blocks stinks and is messy. This stuff does not stink and is not messy. So there.

The hatches I did need. The old ones were falling apart. I also could use the horn. I just need to wire it in now.

Anyhow - that is all pretty boring shit. Nobody really cares.

And that pretty much sums up the week. Boring shit nobody really cares about.

The Sailboat

So there have been many comments about the sailboat. Which I do not have yet. Just an idea! No, just a dream at this point. The picture above is close to what I would like to get. This one looks like it is a lot of cabin and just a small open space in the back. But the size looks about right.

I would be looking for something in the 25 foot class. Not too big, not too small. It would need a kicker engine because I can not actually sail yet, so I would need the engine to get the boat into safe water so that I could learn to sail without crashing into anyone or running aground. A manageable boat to learn the ancient art of sail on.

This is what is known as a "full keel" boat. As you can see, below the waterline there is a full keel that is fixed. This adds stability to the boat when it is under sail. It also adds weight. The keel is also a lot of the ballast. There may also be water ballast tanks that you fill or empty depending on the winds. The stronger the wind, the more ballast you need. I think. The reason being that as the wind pushes on the sails, the boat will "keel over" or "lean" to one side. The keel keeps the boat from overturning. So the more keel you have, the less the boat will end up leaning and the better it will track.

Those are the advantages. The disadvantages are that the boat has a fixed draft so you can only run in water so shallow. If you have a 4 foot draft, you must ALWAYS stay in more than 4 feet of water. And if you are in 6 feet of water with 4 foot seas, you could till hit the bottom because the waves vary the depth. Or there could be a rock underwater. If you have to get the boat on a trailer to move it (like when a hurricane comes) or to haul it out for maintenance (keeping a boat in the salt water requires this) - then you have a hard time doing so. You can not just use any boat ramp. You have to use a lift. This is because the boat has a fixed draft.

This is a swing keel sailboat. As you can see, it is on a trailer. With a swing keel, you can retract the keel and run in much shallower water. And you can trailer the boat a lot easier too. But there are drawbacks. You lose some of that stability. You may keel over more in any given wind conditions. There is less fixed ballast.

And then there is the issue of more things to go wrong. The swing keel is a mechanical part that uses either a motor OR a rope and pulleys and hinges and stuff to operate. Any of these parts can fail - and when they do you get pissed off.

I guess it all depends on how and where I will keep the boat at. If I am going to keep it in the water than Ill go full keel. If it is going to live on a trailer than Ill get a swing keel. Really I am leaning to a swing keel anyway no matter what. Even if it ends up in the water, I can store the trailer somewhere. Or haul it out when it is not being used.

The real bottom line is what can I find that fits the budget. When I know what the budget can be. The used market will have more to say than I do about what I get. If I find a good deal on a nice boat with a swing keel - then swing keel it is. If it is a full keel then full keel it is.

The best part of all is the simplicity of a sailboat. If the cabin does not stink and the furniture is not ripped up and/or gross, then that is fine. If the sails look good and the rigging is not ratty than that is good. The wiring will be simple to redo. Drop the mast, run some new wires to the mast light (easy) snake more wire to the side lights (easy) and then if there are any cabin lights replace those wires too. All easy.

And the engine is disposable. The type of boat I am looking at will have a small outboard. No more than 10 hp. You do not need much for a kicker.

When I can do this, I probably will. I am crazy enough. It would be a nice cheap weekend getaway to sail off in the bay, drop anchor, and just chill somewhere. If I have a longer weekend, or take vacation time, then I can take an extended sailing trip to the Keys. The hotel room will pretty much go where I go.

Not A Whole Lot Going On

As the title suggests, there is not a whole lot going on here at this time. This is one reason the posts have been so dull lately.

The only plan I have as of now is to attempt to cause problems. And get answers.

I have no idea how well this will work out. From the looks of it, not so well. The forces that are have conspired against me.

But I can still keep up my inquest. If for no other reason than to keep bugging people.

How To Win Friends And Influence People.

Volunteer to do shit.

Seriously. Thats all you have to do.

While hanging out at the Yacht Club because I was stranded there because the causeway was closed down for many hours and I figured better to wait there for traffic to thin out than it was to sit in my vehicle wasting gas stuck in the traffic - someone handed me a cool full color postcard sized thing announcing a Miami to Key Largo sailboat race.

Well this is all fine and good, but I lack a sailboat. Otherwise it may be fun. I think I saw this race kick off before, and if this is the case most of the boats in it were small open sailboats. Day sailors. No cabins. In fact, a good number of them were launched from a nearby beach.

Anyhow I say to the person handing the notices out "do you need control boats". As it turns out this was a stupid question. Of course they need what they are calling "race committee boats". So I said I could do it, because after all the club is nice enough to let me in the place and run up a bar tab.

The person was very happy to hear this. Apparently, they really need committee boats. And as it turns out, I need something to do that day. So they asked what I have and I told them and all was good.

Now mainly I am doing this because the club does not have to let my group in every week. Some of the group are members, but still. The club does not have to make a training classroom available, and they do not have to let the group keep a boat on a trailer at the club for no charge.

So therefore, I should help the club out whenever I can for their events. That way everyone gets something out of the deal.

Once it was uncovered that I am not exactly a member, I was handed an application form. I mean if I am going to become involved with club events and stuff why not join? Then I could go to the club whenever I want, bring guests, and stuff.

Plus when I am out on the water I have a place I can dock at if the weather turns crappy or I just want a dockside place to eat or I run out of beer or whatever may happen.

But - it is not that simple. The initiation fee is $1800. That is a lot of hundreds. And then it is another $100 or so a month, but you get $30 is bar bucks which I would use up so in reality it only $70 or so a month.

There is another membership level one step down from full. The initiation fee is $900 and $50 a month - with no bar bucks.

With full membership comes the possibility of a wet slip or dry storage at the club for a boat. Dry storage means on a trailer, and a wet slip comes with shore power AND a water hookup. So in theory, with a wet slip I could live at the club on a sailboat. I would have AC and running water and I could upgrade the phone account so that I can use the cell phone hooked up to a laptop for internet access - or aim a high gain antenna at the club and use their wireless router.

Problem is, neither one fits the budget right now. I am too po' to join any sort of yacht club. Maybe one day. But not today.

The person handing out the race stuff also offered to sell me a 25 foot full keel 4 foot draft sailboat. It is not being used anymore. Some boat yard is taking care of it. The hull is painted pink and there may or may not be "leopard skin" print furniture in the cabin. So at the very least it has to be repainted, renamed, and I might need covers for the furniture in the cabin.

But the offer price was good - for a boat in good shape. $2500.

But really - this is not really in the budget right now either. Oh well. One of these days.

Marooned

I got marooned. On Watson Island.

Friday night is "hang out at the yacht club" night. Now do I have a yacht? Not really. What I have MIGHT be considered a "tender" on a yacht. Maybe. I have seen boats larger than mine on yacht davits.

But I know some members, and I go there weekly for stuff - so all is good. The people there pretty much think I am a member. So all is good.

But Friday night I got marooned. There was some horrible and very tragic accident on the causeway leading back to the mainland. I do not know what happened, other than there were several fatalities. Very sad.

So with west bound traffic blocked by the police, the only way to go was east. Towards Miami Beach.

In my case, this is the wrong way. I do not live on Miami Beach.

And all the traffic attempting to leave the beach was turned around. Added to the traffic trying to get to the beach, and then all this compressed to three lanes and then to some one and two lane surface streets with other beach traffic and red lights and shit - it was a total mess.

So I was stuck. It was either hang out at the club, or spend a few hours stuck in traffic.

Well I figure that by the time the bar closes, it will be OK to leave. WRONG! The kitchen staff who leave two or so hours before the bar closes came back. This is a bad sign.

My plan was to wait it out. After all, there was a marooned party going on. The bar remained open extra late. People were hanging out.

I ended up leaving up at 3 AM. The causeway was still closed westbound. But at this point the eastbound traffic was not backed up anymore, so it was not too bad getting off Watson Island.

The traffic accident must have been really bad. I am sure it will be in the papers today. People were killed. It is all very tragic and horrible. Makes you stop and think. what if I left the club early? Might I have been involved?

The answer there is yes. I might have been involved. But I did not leave early.

Really. It makes you stop and think.