Storm Stuff

Storm update!!!

Now this is scary, and let me tell you why. The colored areas are predicting tropical storm force winds up to 120 hours from 8 PM Saturday to 8 PM Thursday. The long purple stripe is Gus, the shorter purple area is Hanna.

Purple means 90 - 100% chance of storm winds. The length of the purple area indicates certainty of the path. Shorter purple areas means either a slower moving system, a weakening system, or they do not know where the hell it is going.

Now here is where the scary part comes in. Notice how the same area devastated by Katrina is in the purple zone. That means 90 - 100% chance of tropical storm force winds. That is a very high chance.

If you look at the hurricane force winds probability, the center of the purple area goes from 90 - 100% chance to 50-60% chance. The probability for 50 knot winds is 80-90%.

The medium green area I am in means 10-20% chance of tropical storm force winds in the next 5 days. I am just outside the southern most edge of the 0-10% chance area of the 50 knot wind prediction zone.

In other words, the same area ravaged by Katrina is going to be hit again, and most likely by another whopper. New Orleans is still 10 or more feet below sea level. This storm could push a very large storm surge. And then to make it even worse, if the eye continues on the center line the worst quadrant of the storm (as far as storm surge goes) will hit New Orleans.

If I were there, I would be leaving now.

Another scary thing is the weather in Miami right now. Earlier tonight I went outside and the clouds were moving fast. Rain was coming and going, and the winds were blowing constantly with some gusts.

Just like I was in the outer bands of a storm. And I was in the outer bands of Gus. The eye is far away. This is a large storm.

It all adds up to some scary stuff. I hope everyone that lives where the storm will hit stays safe. I am really afraid that this storm is going to flood New Orleans again, and devastate the surrounding area again. Many people have only recently rebuilt. Many small towns in Louisiana and Mississippi are still rebuilding. Another monster may just wipe a lot of small towns off the map for many years to come. You can rebuild once. But twice? In three years? That is going to be harder. After a storm, not everyone comes back. Some rebuild elsewhere, others relocate to somewhere else where they do not have to rebuild. If there is no work, there is no reason to come back. So you grow roots somewhere else.

It took South Dade County YEARS to come back from Andrew. And this is a major metropolitan area. But a lot of the population that used to live down south moved away. Businesses also moved out. The economic toll was high, and it was not till the housing craze that new places started to pop up.

If Homestead were some small town in Pudunk Florida, it may not have ever come back.

Now for Hanna. As of now it looks like it will NOT be a South Florida event. The extended track has it turning away from my area. But there is not a great deal of confidence in this forecast path. So for the next few days Hanna is still somewhat of a question mark, but if I had to guess now I would say South Florida is in the clear for anything too bad. I base this guess on the 50 knot wind prediction zone. It will turn to the north.

But Monday is looking OK. So the plan right now is to hit the bay. While I can.

In Other News....It Came From The Crap Lagoon

I upgraded to the new version of Firefox. The software was bugging me to do this for some time, but I finally did it.

And now I have to get used to it. I do not like the way the history works. I liked the old history thing better. Ill get used to it.

In other news.............


Tropical Storm Hanna. Now this is a strange one. It is going to the south. While this is possible (obviously it is possible - it is happening) it is not typical. There is a blocking high that the thing is moving around. Once it is past the blocking high it will resume a more customary path - which means to the northwest then a hook to the northeast. This one may skip the northwest thing.

Of course the big news is still Gus. Ole Gus seems set on taking a path similar to Katrina 3 years ago. Things are looking bad for the Big Easy. But this time people are getting out. This is good. But the storm is bad news. The levees are supposed to be able to take a cat 3 storm, which Gus will be. It may even be a 4 or 5. But the levees are untested. A lot of the city is below sea level. Nature wants to fill that land with salt water from the Gulf Of Mexico.

Bottom line is I would not want to test the levees with my life. And even if the levees hold if there is a lot of rain and the power fails, the bowl will fill with rain water.

At this point I do not know if Hanna will be a South Florida event. And I do not know what it will do in 5 days. It may even get into the Gulf and hit the same general area as Gus.

So Ill keep an eye on Hanna.

The data suggests it may become a category 1 storm, but then weaken back to a tropical storm. So who knows.

But I do know this. Someone I know is moving to some new digs. I am thinking of getting this thing and leaving it for them to discover later.

The Creature From The Crap Lagoon.

Cult Of Foamy

It has been a long time since we have heard from Foamy!

And who is Foamy? Dude - you do not know? Foamy is a very pissed off squirrel. But Foamy is also an excellent commentator. Foamy should have a TV show really. The squirrel is that good.

For example:



Now now great is that? I could not come up with a better heat related rant myself. Except I would have ranted more about how useless a lot of "news" is. NEWS FLASH! IT IS HOT! Well no shit. It is "the summer". It does not usually snow in "the summer". If it did snow then that would be news.

On the flip side of the coin, it is NOT NEWS that it is cold in "the winter". This is normal. Normal shit is NOT NEWS! News is, by definition, shit you may want to know about that is NOT NORMAL. If something happened every day, it is about as newsworthy as my Monty Python themed boxer shorts.

The boxer shorts say "I fart in your general direction". Just so you know.



Fart jokes work for underwear.

But getting back to Foamy.



Foamy rules.

Conventional Wisdom

Time for the long awaited convention post!!

Lets start with the first day. Now I do not know if I am just paranoid, or seeing things that are not there, or what. But here is what I saw on the TV.

Bored looking people. Whenever the cameras zoomed in on people in the crowd, they were talking or looking up or otherwise looking uninterested in what was going on. Some even looked angry.

During the Michelle Obama speech, the crowd shots were even more interesting. The people in the crowd that they zoomed in on that looked like they were paying attention were mostly black. The white people that the cameras picked to zoom on were not paying attention.

The crowd microphone was also turned way down. So when speakers would pause it sounded like they were pausing for a dozen or so people clapping.

And this was MSNBC.

And then the next day, when Hillary made her speech, another interesting thing happened. The crowd microphone was turned way up. So when she gets on stage you can hear the cheering and yelling - as if the whole place really supported her.

You know, that whole "party not united" thing again. That bullshit about people that voted for Hillary supporting McCain now. Whenever her name was mentioned, they would show wide shots of the crowd, and the crowd microphone was turned up.

So who could be behind all this? The unspoken message was clear. To me, it seemed like someone was controlling various factors to send their own message.

Oh yea, I should also mention now that the floor coverage is done with a pool. One network gets to cover the floor, and all other networks get to use the feed. This makes sense because it prevents everyone from having their own camera crew in place. You only need one camera crew. I am sure that most (if not all) major events do this.

This year, Fox is the pool crew for the Democratic Convention.

Now I am probably just paranoid. People like to make a big deal out of everything. But due to all the outright false shit I have heard on Fox, and given that they were picked from the pool of networks (I think it was their turn or something - who gets to cover the pool rotates), I just do not know. It is very possible that the pool footage that all networks had to use was manipulated.

And I am sure that I am not the only one writing about this. I heard it briefly on the radio, when I was listening to the AM radio waiting for the traffic report. Typically I use 940 AM for the traffic reports. 940 AM is a 50,000 watt station and I usually get the best signal on that station. 940 is the Air America station here. 610 is the right wing radio outlet here. 610 is a lower power station with a pretty good signal, but sometimes I get more static there. So for news and traffic reports I use 940, and as soon as I get the traffic report I switch back to satellite radio.

AM signals generally suck. Unless you want to count lightning strikes.

And then there is the CNN coverage. Larry King has decided to have a panel of Republicans to give commentary about the Democrat Convention. Which is fine really, as next week the opposite will happen. Also, Larry King wants to get ratings. After hours and hours of Democratic Convention madness, people on the other side will want to hear shit they want to hear. So they can tune into Larry King and listen to the Republican Panel. It all works out.

But when I heard them on the first day, it was just too much. Are people really buying that shit? I guess so. Here is what I heard.

The Michelle Obama speech was "plain and ordinary". That Ben Stein asshole was saying that she did not really say anything at all. Of course a wife is supposed to love her husband and children, and so on.

Well what did he expect to hear? A policy speech? Can you imagine what the ass would have said then? Remember how the right ripped into Hillary for not being the typical "let me decorate the White House and I will be happy" first lady? How dare she not just shut up and stand in the background, like a good first lady should.

Also, I think the point of her speech was that her life is a lot like the life of everyone else. Her family was not rich or privileged. Her father had to work hard to support the family. It was not easy, but they managed.

You know, like everyone else. Imagine that.

But the commentators just boiled it down to "plain and boring. No substance". Holy shit.

Anyhow I do not know why I even watch this shit really. It IS boring. It is just a pep rally. I do not think anyone will decide who to vote for based on a convention.

And I do not know why I listen to the opposition commentary. Right now the big talk is all about the Obama speech at the football stadium. How the stage looks like a "Greek temple" and if Obama wants to play up the common man thing he should not be at a stadium on a stage that looks like a grand temple.

Uhhhhhh.....so he is supposed to accept the nomination in a bar while playing darts?

PLEASE.....MAKE IT ALL END ALREADY!!!!!!!

I am so glad I have satellite radio. I can drive around and not have to hear any of this crap. And as for the TV, I have some DVDs to watch. And there is always Cartoon Network.

The Republican Convention is next week. And you know what? It will be the same. A giant pep rally. A bunch of people will get up and talk without saying much. Ill watch it, but not the whole thing. I am not a glutton for punishment. Ill listen to a few speeches, much like I did for this convention.

But I will avoid the discussion panels. If this is possible.

Categories

I am afraid that the worst case scenario has happened with Gus.

The storm looks like it will pass south of Cuba, remaining out to sea and continuing to gain strength. In the next 72 hours the experimental wind forecast models suggest 125 mph sustained winds. That would make it a strong cat 3 storm, considered to be "major".

Category 4 storms are catastrophic. Category 4 storms have wind speed of at least 131 mph. So really, for all practical purposes a storm with 125 mph winds is going to look a lot like a "weak" category 4.

In other words, it is going to be bad. Unless it makes an unexpected turn into Cuba, and remains over land. Even so, once it makes it to the warm waters of the Gulf it would become a hurricane again.

All interests along the Gulf Coast should be on alert at this point. These kinds of things are not something you play games with. Most people that live along the coast know this. Really, after Katrina everyone should know this. Not just the Big Easy was hit there - many towns were totally flattened. To this day all along the affected area there are piles of match sticks that used to be homes. In Mississippi and in Louisiana.

As for me - I saw what Andrew did to South Florida in 1992. That was enough for me. Once you see it for yourself, you learn not to mess around. Sure - I like to make jokes and stuff, but in the end this really is all business.

Right now the convention is hogging all the air time. I might have some convention madness posts in the next day or two. Maybe. If I feel like it. Which I may.

Or not. Does anyone really care?? I do not know if I even care.

Gustavo Is A Stupid Name.

There. I said it. Gustavo is a stupid name.

For a hurricane. If you are a human named Gustavo then it is not such a stupid name - assuming you are bigger than me and could beat me up.

If not then Gustavo is STILL a stupid name.



So I will call this storm "Gus". Here is what Gus was up to at 2 PM Monday afternoon. Haiti and Cuba are in trouble here. Gus seems to want to hang out there. The very large unshaded part of the cone is for days 4 and 5. There is always a lot of error in the cone out 4 or 5 days. I am in the day 5 portion of the cone now.

Currently, Gus is not a hurricane. It is only a tropical storm. But all it needs is wind speeds of another 4 or 5 mph to be a hurricane. I think it will be one soon.

So what was Gus up to at 11 PM? This.


Notice how the track shifted to the south. There is a high pressure area over Florida right now, which they think will hold up and keep Gus to the south. Haiti and Cuba are still in trouble.

Florida is still in the extended cone, reflecting the lack of certainty in the track.



And at 2 AM the map was pretty much unchanged. It seems to be stalled, or the center of circulation shifted location. At any rate the center of circulation only moved 2 tenths of a nautical mile to the north (1,215.22 feet) and slightly less that distance to the west. If the speed of the overall storm is 12 knots to the NW then the only way to account for a change in position of this distance over three hours is if the center reorganized somewhere else.

A lot of the time this happens, it is an indication of the storm getting stronger.

I think that all indications are that this storm will stay to the south of Cuba, and will remain over open water - at least for the next few days. There is conflict in the models.

Anyhow, the wind speed prediction table is saying that there is a greater chance of the storm being a hurricane than a tropical storm in the next 12 - 24 hours.

So how about my guess? Given all this information what do I think?

Who cares. I am not a forecaster! If you are going to base your plans on what I predict the hurricane will do, you are crazier than I am.

Yet here is it. I think that there are tow realistic scenarios here. The first is that the eye will stay over the warm water south of Cuba, and the storm will get stronger. The other is that it will turn a little to the north, and make landfall over Cuba then stay there.

At this point I do not think this will become a South Florida event.

Bug Hunting

I am going to go hunting for bugs.

I just do not know when. Sometime soon. I just have to figure out how it will be done. The problem is currently the bug hunting mobile.

The bug you see pictured is also known as a "Florida lobster". They are in season right now. So in theory I can go catch some.

At issue is the boat. Do I have too much freeboard? See I like to net bugs on the grass flats. You get some stinky nasty canned cat food, punch holes in the cans, then chuck em. Mark the locations on the GPS. Then after you chuck 5 or 6 cans in different places, you chill out for a few beers. And then you go check out your drop locations.

The cans rust away pretty quick. But even still I have questions as to the legality of this method. But a lot of people say it works. I do not doubt it.

Now once I find a bug crawling on the grass, I take a "bully net" and capture the thing. Then measure it. If it of legal size you keep it. If it is short or has eggs you throw it back. Pretty simple.

The bully net has a 6 foot handle. If the water is three feet deep and I am standing a foot above the waterline, then simple math says that the net will be 4 feet too short to reach the bottom. Even if I lean over, the boat has close to three feet of freeboard. So a 6 foot handle may be too short for the boat. I may have to look for water a mere 2 feet deep. Any shallower and I may dig up grass in the prop wash. That is a big no no.

Bug hunting is complicated.

Bugs

Yes, that is a land crab. And yes, that is a 33 gallon trash can. And no, it is not fake.

They live along the coast in the Indian Ocean and some parts of the Pacific.

That is the world's largest land dwelling bug. Yes, it is a bug. Actually it is an arthropod. But all bugs are arthropods. Insects, spiders, and crustaceans - all arthropods.

So now when someone says they say the largest bug in their kitchen, and you know they do not live in tropical areas of the Pacific Ocean or the Indian Ocean - you know they are full of shit. They did not see "the largest bug".

So ask them if it was a Coconut Crab. If they say no, then you can lay the smack down on them.

Now you are the bug master.

By the way, the Coconut Crab is the largest LAND DWELLING bug. The largest bug is actually this thing.



The Japanese Spider Crab. This is a deep water bug. And it is big. The leg span is almost 13 feet, the body is up to 15 inches, and they can weigh up to 44 pounds. But there could be even larger ones lurking in the deep. They are found in waters as deep as 800 meters, or about 2,600 feet.

This concludes any more posts about land crabs for some time to come.

Land Crab Friday!

Where does the time go! Friday already.

OR IS IT!?!?! If you have to work on the "weekend" then Friday has a lot less luster. But to be honest, I do not really mind having a work schedule that requires working on the weekends.

Traffic is not as bad. So if 2 of your 5 work days have light or no morning and afternoon rush, that is great. You only have to contend with idiots for 3 days.

Of course you may also have an odd shift. Like you show up at 3 PM and go home at 11 PM. That is a nice shift really. 4 PM - midnight would also work.

But if I could pick any shift what hours would I pick?

9 PM - 5 AM! Oh hell yea. Who needs the sun? All that glowing ball of plasma does is cause skin cancer and wrinkles anyway.

Oh yea, and provide life to the planet. So if I could work out a deal where the sun can provide life to the planet, but I never have to actually see it in action - hey why not. Ill bite.

I could sell my vast collection of sunglasses.

I expect to hear one way or the other from the interview thing I went to this week. I will not hear anything today, but maybe next week. They seemed to really need to bring someone in. Who knows what will come of it however.

If I get the offer, Ill take it. Why not. Ill probably like it. I know Ill at least like the location! Close to the water. In fact, on the water. More or less anyway. Could I get an office overlooking the bay? Probably not. Could I possibly go fishing during lunch? Now that may be a possibility.

But there will be....LAND CRABS!!



Yes, land crabs. Crabs on the land. I saw a bunch of them scurrying about the place when I was there.

I would make it my personal pet project to collect the crabs and return them to the nearby mangrove lined shore. Where they belong.

This one project could very well take up most of the day. But something tells me I would have to work on my land crab project only when there were not more important things to do.

But still, I would not mind at all. In fact it would be fun.

New Tarp

Apparently, I need a new tarp. This happened sometime Tuesday. Monday was when Fay was in my general area. But the conditions Monday were not that bad. The tarp held.

But Tuesday the winds were more constant. There was less rain, but more wind. And I find this. The tarp split in half.

I should have known better. The tarp should have been removed as part of the whole "getting ready for the storm" thing.

Oh well. Chalk it up as a learning experience.

Business As Usual

All the fun is over. For now. Today things return to normal in Miami. Of course normal for Miami would probably seem insane, or at least bizarre, to you.

But to me it is just normal.

The sort of funny thing is that the worst winds happened Tuesday. Monday it was just wet. but Tuesday the winds were constant. It was probably blowing a good 20 - 25 mph all day, with higher gusts. I got a photo of some storm related damage I noticed today.

Today will be a fun day. The first day of school. It was supposed to be Monday but that shit got canceled. So ALL the usual madness will happen today, in addition to even more madness.

People here seem to be tards. They forget things. And something very strange happens. Traffic on the highway moves slower than usual. Now why is this? Got me. There are these things called "school buses". They take your kid to school. And these "bus" things also tend to stay off the highway. So one would think that traffic should not know the difference in a school day and a non school day.

Oh well. That is just how it is.

But back to Fay. I do believe I called for a shift to the east. Yup - I just checked previous posts and there is is! It was going to move more to the east than the tracks suggested!

I do not know if I said "Naples or Ft Myers area" here, but I know I said it to people in person. Look for the storm to hit land closer to Naples or Ft Myers than Tampa. I said that.

Fay hit Marco Island, just to the south of Naples.

I rule.

Fake Hurricane

Well Tropical Storm Fay madness is over. Schools are still closed tomorrow, but everything is pretty much back to normal.

The warnings are still up.

So what did I get? Pretty much a day of rain. Mostly drizzle. A slow, steady, constant drizzle. A drizzle that will probably last a few more hours.

And a few periods of heavier rain and wind. For all I know some more periods of heavy rain are still on the way. In fact, it just started to rain harder right now!

The wind speed graphics suggest I was in tropical storm conditions. I did not really notice however. Maybe for brief periods of time I was in weak tropical storm conditions, but it was not that bad.

So I declare "FAKE HURRICANE".

Fake Hurricane is another term I invented.These occur when you are in a "warning" zone but do not experience anything special. Fake hurricanes are dangerous. What happens is that people expect something - but they get nothing. They may have even prepared for something.

So when nothing comes, next time around they may do nothing.

Anyhow - FAKE HURRICANE. For me anyway. For someone else in FL it will be not so fake.

Tomorrow resumes regular posting without preemption by tropical weather related events. But do not worry. There is another area over the open Atlantic that has a medium change for further development. So all this may very well repeat in the next week.

So Now What?

OK this is classic "cone of death" stuff. So pay attention!

But first, a recap. As you may recall the Sunday 5 AM update had Miami in the cone. The storm shifted to the east for the Saturday 11 PM, Sunday 2 AM, and Sunday 5 AM update.

And then it was sleep time. So I missed out on the 8 AM and 10 AM update. OOPS!!!

But I got the 2 PM update!!! Can't keep me down for that long!!


Hey, looks like it is moving more to the east. As I thought it might. Well great. At this point I was in the 60% chance of tropical storm conditions block, and all indications were that the chance would go up.

And then the 5 PM update came out. THREE HOURS LATER.



This is actually the 8 PM update, but it looks the same as the 5 PM. Notice the cone. WAY over to the west. Why I am not even in the cone! And just like that it went from 60% chance to 40% chance of tropical storm conditions. The storm was going to be east of Tampa and now it is west of Tampa?

OK! Who is running the forecast office? Really now. You just can't be shifting the cone of death around like this! Not if you want us to take this seriously. I mean whats next? A shift back to the east??



Yup. A slight change in direction again. And a slow down. The storm is now moving 10 knots as opposed to 15 knots. And the direction changed from WNW to NW.

Chance of tropical storm winds in Miami is still 40%, but that figure is likely to change at 2 AM or 5 AM or 8 AM or whenever they change the map again.

And they will. The pattern is for the 2 AM path to be the same as the 11 AM path, the 5 AM path swings more to the east, then later maps go back to the west.

So nobody knows what the hell is going on.

But this is what I do know. Slowing down means a direction change. Always. Shit slows down before it turns. And the shit is slowing down.

So here is what I am expecting now.

Tropical storm conditions. Maybe not constant tropical storm conditions, but the nasty stuff will almost certainly come in squalls. And it is going to rain. A lot.

Ill stay up for the 2 AM update. It will be interesting to see if the 2 AM map changes. I suspect it might.

In other news, Monday is pretty much canceled. A lot of places will be closed tomorrow, and the first day of school is not going to happen.

A THREE DAY WEEKEND!!! How about that?

EDITORS NOTE!!!!

The 2 AM map did not change significantly from the 11 PM map. But the 5 AM update did chance slightly - once again confirming a prediction I think I made in this post.



Now it is moving NNW at 12 mph. The forecast map now looks like the 2 PM track from yesterday!

Confused yet? Yea - I thought so.

My Iguana Sense is tingling slightly. The turn to the NNW will continue. There is a high pressure zone to the east of Florida, but that zone seems to be moving away (allowing the storm to turn). The chances for tropical storm conditions in Miami are probably more than50% again. It is going to be a crappy day. Expect the crap to be in full swing by the late afternoon. Unless it slows down.

I also suspect that the 8 AM map will not change much. The 11 AM map may show a track more to the north (swinging the cone to the east). If not the 11 AM map than the 2 PM map will show this.

I could see it myself on the satellite views. And I am an idiot. I have not studied weather in college. I just have internet access, and I have been watching satellite views.

I detect a tropical storm party brewing. I need to remember to get some beer. I hope the stores are open for at least a few hours today.

Watching the last minute people scramble for bottles of water amuses me.

And if you are a last minute person - DO NOT PANIC! If you live on the east coast of FL it is just a tropical storm. You will probably not have disrupted city water service.

When the shit gets here, do not drive unless you absolutely must. Visibility can go from poor to none very quickly in these things.

Fay Is On The Way

FAY UPDATE!!!



Now this map may look like the Saturday 2 AM update I posted yesterday. But it is not. This is the Saturday 11 PM update.

And it shifted ever so slightly to the WEST.

But I was not totally wrong. The Saturday 11 AM update did have it moved to the EAST. As I thought it might go. But the 2 PM update or the 6 PM update moved the cone back to where it was, and now it is just slightly to the west.

This is not good. The current track gives the storm more time over open water.

Of course, the path still has error. And now that the thing is over Cuba I do not know if the hurricane plane can enter the airspace. So we will have to wait for the position and forecast track of the thing tomorrow.

I still say it will move back towards the east. But it will probably not turn enough for those on the Florida Gulf Coast to ignore. Anyone on the gulf coast currently in the cone needs to prepare now. Its on the way for you guys - unless it makes a big shift to the east.

My guess for the Miami area remains unchanged. It will just be snotty weather. Rain will fall. Very likely LOTS of rain. And there will be winds. The marine forecast for this area is 15 - 20 knot winds with gusts to 30 knots for Monday, building to 25 - 35 knots in the evening and after midnight. Gusts of up to 50 knots. Just so you know, tropical storm force winds are 35 - 64 knots.

Bay waters are supposed to be "rough". Go figure. It is not a good idea to go boating when there is a tropical storm? REALLY!?!?!??! Well hell - time to cancel that fishing trip!!

And you thought I was going to comment about the Obama / McCain interview thing. HA! Fay is a far more pressing matter. I did see the interview and I thought both dudes did OK. I do not think either man told any outright lies or other forms of bullshit. Questions were asked, answers were given, life moves on. BUT....I do have some commentary which I will share Monday. Maybe. Unless Monday's post is taken over by yet more Tropical Storm Fay coverage.

EDITORS NOTE!!!


The 5 AM path did shift ever so slightly to the east. I am now in a tropical storm watch, meaning I should expect tropical storm conditions in the next 48 hours. It could become a tropical storm warning (I sort of expect this at this point) or even become a hurricane watch / warning.

The next update I see (either 11 AM or 2 PM) will show my "shift to the east" guess either correct or wrong. So far my guess is looking like it is not dead yet. But the next update could shift it back to the west.

Nobody is out of the shit yet. Everyone in the pink (hurricane watch) or yellow (tropical storm watch) areas should act accordingly.

Cone Of Death

So once again the cone of death is descending upon Florida.


Fay is the name of this storm. And as you can see by Monday whatever is going to happen in South Florida will happen.

And nobody can do squat about it.

The current forecast path is the solid black line. But the way these things work is you do not pay attention to only the black line. The storm can be ANYWHERE in the cone of death.

Hence the term I invented. I think it sounds better than "cone of uncertainty" or whatever the official name is.

Now you can go to the National Weather Service Tropical Prediction Center using the handy link in my left sidebar.

OR you can just listen to my guess.

So here is what I think this thing is going to do. I have the feeling it will turn more to the right. This will steer it away from Key West (the black line runs right over Key West now) and closer to Miami. Where I am.

BUT this is not so bad. If it turns like I think it will then the eye of the storm will spend a lot of time over Cuba. Taking in the sights. Smoking some cigars. Drinking Havana Club rum. Playing dominoes. And so on.

When a storm stays over land, it falls apart. Tropical weather can not exist over land. It can not strengthen over land.

So what will happen is it will fall apart into a glorified rain storm. Then when it goes over water again it will have only about 100 miles or so to reorganize.

It will not be able to do this.

So if it turns like I suspect it MIGHT and it spends more time over land then by the time it passes over Miami it will not cause any days off. Nothing will close. It will rain a lot. And thats all.

So there we have it. My guess. Based on what I think now. But my guess may change, depending on what conditions I observe over the next day or so.

At any rate, everyone living in the Florida Keys, and on the Gulf Coast should keep an eye on this thing. In fact, of you live on the Gulf Coast of Florida you should spend Saturday getting ready.

Because IF it does not turn like I think it might, and it DOES get into the Gulf Of Mexico - it will be bad news. The waters of the Gulf are bathtub warm. The storm could rapidly intensify. It could become another Charlie.

Things Resolved

So you may (or may not) be wondering what the mystery noise from the truck was.

It turned out my suspicions were right. It was something to do with the brakes. The brake pads were in need of replacement. So that was done. The rotors were also replaced because the old ones were warped.

In other news, I got some things going on next week! Some sort of interview or something. I have a sneaky suspicion the interview is a hoax. The job is already filled, they just need to put on a show to make it look legit.

As if they care about what looks legit. They pretty much do what they want to do without regard for anything. Rules? HA! Piss on them. I can not really say more about this. I might be able to later, but not now. Cause that is how it is.

But we shall see. I might just be paranoid. Maybe it is not a hoax interview! Maybe it is really for real and not just some "lets all jump through these hoops" type thing. Only time will tell. But really, I am not holding out much faith in this thing. But Ill go. Why not. It can't possibly hurt anything.

And on the way back from the interview I may stop at the bridge and toss a line in the water. I can wear shorts under my suit pants and bring a t shirt. I have to pay a toll to cross the bridge, so I might as well get something out of it! Ill bring some frozen bait and one of my spinning rods and see what happens.

Probably nothing.

I could even bring the kayak. Tie it to the roof of the truck. If anyone asks why I have a kayak I can say "I am a very bad driver, so whenever I am anywhere near water I bring a boat".

Part of this job requires a drivers license. So one of the job functions MAY involve driving something. Maybe a golf cart - maybe something with a real engine. Who knows. My kayak joke may not go over so well. So Ill work on revising it. Or not.

It really would not be anyones business why I have a kayak tied to the roof of my truck.

He Wants The French To Win

Seriously, why does President Bush WANT the US team to not win? Does he hate America that much?

See it is that one time every 4 years where I am an expert in all things beach volleyball. The rest of the time - I really do not care much about it.

In two more years Ill pretend to be an expert in curling. Like everyone else. One guy slides a large rock down the ice, someone else sweeps in front of it. Then someone wins. I do not get it now but just wait for two winters from now! Ill be a friggin expert. Even though I have never actually done it before.

But back to why Bush wants the beach volleyball team to lose.

See there is a long standing tradition in womens beach volleyball that team members will slap each other on the ass after they score a point or make a good play. It seems to being good luck.

HEY! Don't knock it! Team USA won the last games. And then there was the traditional celebrating the win by hugging and rolling around in the fake beach sand. Getting all sandy and whatnot.



Plotting the teams defeat huh? Or plotting something! But what??? Chances are whatever is being plotted is probably not a good plan. You know, not thought out fully.

Also - imagine for a second that it is not Bush in the photo but none other than Bill Clinton. I am sure there would be jokes a plenty. Why I would probably have a few of my own.

But Bill would have taken action to ensure another gold for Team USA.

Getting back to the traditional good luck thing. It is good luck for players on the team to give each other a little friendly harmless not erotic in any way sportsman like slap on the ass. No big deal. We are all adults here. It is for the team!!! GO USA!!! And so on.

So when presented with a chance to bring good luck to the team, what happens????



The backhand? And not even anywhere near the good luck spot! Here is this Olympic athlete who makes the offer of a good luck ass slap and what does the President do? Give her the backhand on the back.

Not me! I would have played that off differently. What the hell W, you already gave Chancellor Merkel of Germany a very VERY creepy back rub. At a G-8 summit. Have you already forgotten that one? Where was "Presidential restraint" then? Where was "trying to act dignified" then? OUT THE WINDOW! So you make an ass out of the entire nation by giving the representative from Germany a very creepy back rub. And then she reacts by making a face that seems to say "Oh my God he is TOUCHING ME!!! EWWWWW!!!" while she wiggles away, arches her shoulders, and throws her arms up.

Yea....THAT is OK. That is perfectly fine.

But you can't give a good luck ass slap for team USA at the Olympics. OH NO!

Now if I were President there would have been some ass slapping going on. It is only polite. I mean she presented the ass for the Presidential slap. You can't be rude after all. And it is for the gold! That is some not really that important crap there!

And what could anyone do? Not a damn thing. Let the news say what it wanted to. What would I care? I would still be rich. So what do I care what people say?

I would not.

Also, in this fictional case I would be ending my second term. Can't run again! No more reelection worries. I would just be coasting, trying not to blow up the universe before the next guy gets the job.

Clearly Bush wants the American team to lose and the French team to win. Or something like that.

Mystery Noise

I hereby declare 10,000 BC unwatchable. It is a very bad movie.

The truck needs an oil change. I can do this myself. Now that the service coupon book thing that I got with the truck (for an extra $800) is used up I can do my own routine service. And changing the oil in the truck will be really super easy. I do not even need a jack. I can just scoot under the vehicle, pull the oil plug, drain the oil, put the plug back, replace the filter, and fill the engine back up with new oil. Ill probably use synthetic.

And of course recycle the old oil.

But there is another problem. The mystery noise. It seems to be coming from the front wheel. It sounds like a metal on metal scraping noise. Not typically something you would want to hear.

Now last time I took the truck in for its last pre-paid dealer service trip, I mentioned the mystery noise. And they looked for the cause. Nobody could find anything. No signs of unusual wear. Or so they said.

Then two months later, the warranty for the truck ran out. But the mystery noise seemed to have gone away after the last trip. So I though it may just be a true mystery noise. Something slightly out of whack but got fixed when the tires were rotated.

And then the noise came back. Now that the warranty is over.

So I am thinking that they will probably find something. And if this is the case I will have to yell at the service manager. I mentioned the noise last time. Factory trained people said "nothing is wrong". It is all on the service records. So if something is found now that requires money to fix I think I have a valid bitching point. It is the SAME noise from the SAME general location. I mentioned it last time. Nothing was found.

I want the noise resolved this time. It annoys me. I know it has to be something. So it needs to be found and fixed. But I do not want to pay for it.

The quest to get this taken care of begins later today.

Fall Thoughts

I have decided that I am ready for fall to begin already.

You know how hot it gets? Very. Thats how. Now I know, people who complain about the heat IN THE SUMMER TIME are usually assholes. We all know it is hot. Nobody needs anyone to point that out to them. For example:

ME: hanging out not really doing much.

SOME ASSHOLE: It is REALLY hot today!

ME: Really? I did not notice!! I thought it might snow or something!

SOME ASSHOLE: Are you being a smart ass?

ME: Maybe. Are you some sort of dumb ass who feels the need to point out to the planet that it is hot outside - in South Florida - in August???

SOME ASSHOLE: You are very rude

ME: Tell me something else I already know! You are on a roll here!

But yea, it is time for fall. It is getting harder and harder to think. This is good and bad. The good part about not thinking is that the crap on the news does not bother me as much.

Take now for example. That asshole Tom Ridge is on the TV talking shit about how if he is the VP pick for McCain, the Republicans will win Pennsylvania and the election. Yea - one little problem there Ridge. You are NOT the Governor anymore. You were part of the Bush administration and therefore your reputation is trashed. You had to take the fall for some failure. I forgot which failure but there was one. And you had to resign to save the king.

Your career is over. If you are on the ticket, I can pretty much bet my boat that your ticket will not win your home state. People in Pennsylvania are still pissed off about a whole laundry list of things.

But Tom Ridge and his inane comments do not really bother me. I do not care. The brain is switched OFF till further notice.

The other reason why fall needs to arrive is so that I can enjoy some Sierra Nevada barleywine I have. Barleywine is a very heavy beer with a high alcohol content. It is like beer that is close to wine strength. I happen to like the stuff a lot, depending on the style. Barletwines can be sweet or hoppy. While I like a hoppy beer I like my barleywine more balanced. But whatever.

I can not properly enjoy the barleywine. It is too warm. Barletwine is best enjoyed when it is cooler. The ideal setting would be a cold evening by a fireplace. But I lack a fireplace. So Ill have to settle for the second best setting, outside on the patio when there are no biting insects buzzing around.

But that is just not going to happen. So I will make do. The barleywine and Early Spring Beer will remain in the fridge where it will wait. There are other fine beers to tide me over. The water is still very warm so swimming is an option. Every weekend or even weekday is a good day to use the boat. If you can afford the gas.

So for a little while longer, Scorpio will be visible in the night sky to the south. And that is OK. I can handle it.

Just Another Day

I had to buy a brand new laptop power adapter today.

But the adventure really begins before I had to buy the new power adapter. It was sometime in the morning. And me having not a whole lot to do who knows what time it was.

Anyhow I was hanging out on my bed, watching TV. Fred the orange cat was in here bugging the shit out of me to feed his fat ass or something. Fred likes to be fed. But I did not feel like getting up just then. So I reach for the computer which is plugged into the wall. I keep the laptop plugged in far more than it is on battery power.

Anyhow Fred likes to chew on things when he is being nice and purring and trying to get me to feed him. So what did he choose to chew on?

The power cord. And NOT the AC side of the cord, but the DC side that goes to the computer.

And the computer screen goes BLACK. It would not turn back on.

OH FUCKING HELL! Right now is a really bad time to have to get another computer. Really. Later will be a better time for that. But the laptop would not turn on.

Meanwhile Fred has jumped up on the bed and plopped down next to me. I think he knew I would not stab him there because I would get cat blood all over the sheets.

But I got the computer to work again. I removed the battery then put it back. For some reason whatever was causing the thing to not turn on was resolved. It turned on.

Of course this presented a new problem. How was I going to charge the battery once it ran out?

As for the adapter, that I could not fix. There is a green LED indicator that lights up when you plug it in. The light is dark. I think that when Fred bit the cord he shorted two wires on the DC side. The short caused some sort of internal fuse to blow.

The Dell website wants something like $70 for a new adapter. And then it would not have shipped till Monday. And who knows how long it would take to get there.

So I trudge off to Best Buy. I figure I can find something there.

And I did. For $109 plus tax. One fucking hundred nine of my FAVORITE DOLLARS!

Well Fred, there is your vet health exam for this year. If you get rabies it is your problem.

Olympic Overview

Now I know what you are thinking. I got my finger on the pulse of the electronic world!!!

What are all the Olympic Sports, and which are sports VS a game?? And what do I think of them?

GLAD YOU ASKED!!!

Archery - sport. Drinking beer and shooting arrows is probably a bad idea

Badminton - WHO CARES?!?!?!

Baseball - boring. Very little action over a long period of time

Basketball - who cares. We have the NBA. We do not need Olympics basketball

Beach Volleyball - Most exciting thing at the Olympics, but only for the womens division

Boxing - sport. I bet China beats the shit out of Tibet - in boxing of course.

Canoe/Kayak - Fun. I have a kayak you know. Canoes are for scouts however.

Cycling - for crazy people. Bike seats can really hurt your ass.

Diving - if I do not have compressed air tanks strapped to me Ill pass.

Equestrian - why do they give the human the medal? The horse does all the work!

Fencing - Japan has the edge here. The Japanese team will use samurai swords. SLICE!

Field Hockey - do adults play this? Really?!?!?!

Gymnastics - Do adults really play this??!?! And why do we care?!

Handball - HANDBALL!?!?! Are you serious? How the shit did this get in the Olympics?

Judo - Someone short and Asian will win this one.

Modern Pentathlon - as opposed to ancient pentathlon? Requires LOTS of energy. Not for me.

Rhythmic Gymnastics - fine if you are a chick or a kid, otherwise it is just prancing around wearing tights and looking very very "happy".

Rowing - Ill take my powerboat. You row.

Sailing - NOW WE ARE TALKING! SIGN ME UP!! I love sailing! Ill drink the beer then pee overboard to make the boat lighter (and faster).

Shooting - Sounds like fun - but then you find out they shoot AIR PISTOLS. BB guns. Are real guns banned from China or something? Trap shooting uses real shotguns however.

Soccer - I am sure some crazy Brit will end up streaking on the field, then start a soccer riot.

Softball - They already have baseball! Why do you need this too?

Synchronized Swimming - the joke of the summer games. NOBODY cares. Not even the parents of the competitors. Imagine if you do not win. Your mother could say "I told you that you were flushing your life away with that swimming shit! Now look at you! No gold, no job, no endorsements - just a fancy swim suit!"

Table Tennis - you mean "ping-pong"? Yea, I think you do. GAME. But those olympic people take it very seriously.

Taekwondo - Boxing, judo, and taekwondo huh? Someone is going to get an ass kicking.

Tennis - How about a taekwondo brawl between the badminton and tennis teams. That might be fun.

Track And Field - I HOPE nobody calls the javelin a spear and then uses the word "chuck". That would be BAD! but seriously - nobody cares about this event.

Trampoline - COME ON!!! This is not a sport. It is something girls are supposed to jump on at the end of "The Man Show". Now "boob bouncing" should be an olympic event. And NO MENS
DIVISION!! Nobody wants to see that.

Triathlon - bike riding, running, and swimming. A tough guy event. Not for me. Far too much effort. Plus I can not run very fast or very far - unless being chased by bears.

Volleyball - Beach Volleyball chicks are hotter. Ill stick to that event.

Water Polo - TONS of effort required. Fast action. But nobody cares, except for once every 4 years.

Weightlifting - Dull. Dudes (and very scary looking "women") lifting heavy things. Probably the stinkiest event, the competitors do not look flexible enough to wipe their own ass. But they can rip a tree out of the ground and fence with it. I think the women lifters are really sasquatch.

Wrestling. One man gets on all fours, another man mounts him, then they try to pin each other. I really do not want to see that.

So there you go! All you need to know about the Olympics! now you do not need to waste any time watching it. Unless you want to because you like one of the events.

But I know that secretly, everyone will agree with my event comments. Last time there were summer games the ratings were very low.

I was going to go, but then thought it would be better if I did not. I would have ended up arrested and clubbed for getting drunk then holding up a "FREE TIBET, SALE ON ALL THINGS TAIWAN" sign in Tienanmen Square.

But at least then I would have made international news, like fellow Miami resident Bird Road Rudy.

Boring Saturday

I hope you did are not having a boring Saturday, and thought you would stop by here for some wisdom/humor/bullshit/rantings/jibber/jabber/insane scribblings.

Cause there will not be any.

My brain is tired of thinking and has taken a vacation. Who knows when it will be back. Maybe never! Maybe my brain will get on a plane and go to Tahiti and decide that it does not want to go back inside the skull prison attached to my body. It may just stay there!

The American Dollar is still worth something in Tahiti. Or so I have been told. Actually I just made that up. I was not told. In Tahiti they use French Pacific Franc, which is linked to the Euro. So chances are that the US Dollar is still good over there - just not as good as it was.

But all that is not really the issue. Well all of it is not an issue except for the brain on vacation thing.

I have a plan to get the brain to come home. I have baited it with beer and fine rum.

And I am back on news strike. I do not care about ping pong - even if it is an Olympic "sport".

PING PONG IS A GAME!!!! GOT IT!!! NOT A SPORT!!! I have a very simple way to determine what is a sport VS a game.

Can I drink beer while doing this.

If the answer is "yes" it is a game. Examples of GAMES include:

Ping pong, bowling, golf, foosball, air hockey, pinball, pac-man, lawn darts, horse shoes, and the pass out game.

So I do not care what the Olympics call a "sport". They are wrong. Synchronized swimming is NOT a sport and furthermore nobody really gives a shit about it. Yet people will watch it. But only once every 4 years. And then to make it even worse, EVERYONE becomes an expert in javelin chucking, synchronized swimming, diving, ping pong, and a lot of other shit nobody really cares about.

The ONLY sport I intend to watch is womens beach volleyball. The rest of them I could care less about.

Send In The Clowns!

Wow! A whole lot has transpired.

I like to use the word "transpire" every so often. Even if the word does not really fit into the sentence. After 8 years of President Bush II, proper grammar does not count anymore. You can even make up words whenever you want. For example:

Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.

QUICK! Is this a nonsense poem by Lewis Carroll or a Bush speech??

Hard to tell huh? Thus proving my transpired point. I think that "mimsy" should be promoted to a real word however. It sounds funny.

And I want a pound of whatever Mr. Carroll was smoking when he wrote those words. And my deepest apologies to the ghost of Lewis Carroll for linking him to Bush. SORRY GHOST DUDE!!

Now what I really wanted to talk about was a different kind of retarded. And what kind of retarded might that me???

Insane banter.

Someone asked Obama what they could do to reduce America's demand for oil.

Well lets see here. What can I do? Really! What sort of simple thing can I do right now?

Can I go build an offshore oil platform? NOPE! I am not that good of a welder. Can I drill in my backyard? Tried that. I used the longest drill bit I could get and all I could find was limestone. Can I build a nuclear power plant? I tried that - Homeland Security was not amused. Those guys really over reacted when I tried to buy refined uranium from an undercover agent. Can I build a wind generator? Tried that - the County would not approve my zoning variance for a 200 foot tower with three spinning 80 foot blades.

So really!!! What can regular people do?

So Obama answered with a very simple and practical thing anyone can do to. Check the air pressure in your tires and maybe get a tune up. Pretty simple. Something anyone can do.

And what happens? The right goes ape shit. McCain starts making tire pressure gauges with "Obama's Energy Plan" written on them. The talking heads on the right spout off that all Obama has for an energy plan is air. It is a big joke for them.

But the question was not "how will you solve the energy problem" the question was more like "what can I do".

But that does not stop right wing drug addicted radio hosts from saying that Obama thinks over inflating car tires will solve all the problems.

By the way Rush - nobody ever said that. Over inflation is not good. Tires wear down faster and are more prone to road damage. Get the shit out of your head before you speak.

And nobody ever said that tire pressure is the end all solution to everything. The right is just trying to make it seem that way. But when asked what simple things regular folks can do, guess what? Putting air into a tire is pretty easy! And if your tire is even 10% under inflated you are using up more gas. And you can not tell if you are 10% under inflated just by looking. Hell by the time the tire looks "low" you are probably close to 50% under inflated.

Are people really buying into this crap? Apparently they are. I guess a lot of people are just stupid.

The TV people are also talking about a Carter speech, where he was wearing a sweater and telling people they could turn down the thermostats a few degrees to save energy.

And at the time the right laughed at that too. But guess what? Unless you live in Florida - if you turn the thermostat down in the winter do DO use less energy. And I am sure that a lot of Americans who had to buy heating oil were doing just that. But it was laughed at.

"Thats not a plan" they said. And they are saying it now.

You are right you idiot. It is not a "plan". It is simply one thing people CAN do to save a few bucks and reduce energy demand. Because very few people can build their own hydroelectric plant. Very few people can have a personal home nuclear power plant. No one can just build their own personal offshore platform.

So what CAN people do? If you listen to the right - apparently nothing. Every measure you take on your own is a waste of time and just silly.

I would not be surprised if McCain supporters are actually letting air out of their tires, just to prove some sort of point.

You know, having a debate over issues and what the nation can do (or not do) about it is one thing.

But taking a statement based in FACT and common sense then trying to make it seem like it is the ONLY part of a comprehensive, complex plan is insane.

And frankly, it is insulting. I am not that stupid. Pandering to the stupid is not a very good way to try to get my support.

Working For A Clown

Get a load of this.



Are these people serious? Apparently they must be. And why not. They stand to make a few bucks. I would be on a lame ass TV show for a few bucks too.

But really - imagine having a boss named "Diddy". I would have to laugh. I could not take anyone who wanted me to call them "Diddy" (not his real name by the way) seriously. It would be like working for Bozo T. Clown.

But the boss wanted you to call him "Mr. Clown". And if you were employee of the month, the boss makes you a balloon animal of your choice.

I would choose a giant squid, just to see if the boss could make a giant squid balloon animal. And if he could I would be impressed.

But it gets better! Your boss wants you to call him "Diddy" AND your boss also walks around wearing one of those microphone head set things.

At this point I would be laughing so hard I may wet my pants.

I think Diddy really needs a secretary. You know, someone to answer his phone for him and say "sorry, but Diddy is away from his desk. I would be happy to take a message".

And then there is the "this is what is like in the heat of battle" comment.

What the hell could that be? Someone hooked the DVD player up to the THX home theater incorrectly? Someone hot him confused for MC Hammer? The recording studio ran out of blank CDs?

This may very well turn out to be the worst TV show ever. Which would be an accomplishment, as there have been some really terrible TV shows.

But I would still be on it. For the money. I doubt I would last too long on it as I would have a hard time taking it all seriously.

Unless the money was really good. For enough money I can take anything seriously.

You Have A Better Bear Story That Is True??

My great bear story only got three comments.

Imagine that. Had I made up a bear story it would have sucked - but it would have probably generated dozens of comments.

But the REAL bear story gets three comments.

So lets hear YOUR real bear story! Is it as good? Does it involve hippies and Russians and federal agents, a funky green substance, and food from a dumpster - but NOBODY gets arrested, mauled, drunk on vodka (although I suspect the Russian bear handler guys may have been dipping into the Stoli), sick, poisoned, or end up dead?

Probably not. NO bear story contains all these elements. Except mine.

And that is how you know it is true. Nobody would make that up. Nobody could make that up. Not even me.

It really is true. As amazing as that might seem.

There is also a tiger story. But I was not hanging out at the crazy place when the tigers were there. Too bad, I would have really liked that.

DO Feed The Bears. Yes, BEARS. As In More Than One Of Them.

So a few years ago I used to hang out at a fairly strange place. Lets see here, it is 2008 now so this had to be at least 12 years ago. 12 - 15 years ago. I can not remember well enough to pin down an exact date so you will just have to deal with a range of possible dates.

I forgot the exact situation. Actually I do now. I knew someone who knew these chicks. One was a stripper I believe. Something like that. The other chick was not a stripper but still attractive.

Anyway where was I? OH YEA the bear story.

There was a party and I showed up and a lot of people were there. One of the two chicks mentioned something about something and somehow I got involved in it. Now that I think about it, I think it had something to do with lifting weights or some such shit at a clubhouse in the development one of the chicks lived in? Sounds right - but it was a long time ago.

Nobody ever lifted anything. There were time-space altering plants that got in the way of that. DARN PLANTS!!!

Flash forward some time. There is no way to know how much time due to the whole altering of time-space thing. Could have been weeks, could have been years. Who really knows.

I don't.

One of the chicks (the one who was not ever a stripper and who I had become friends with) had a little accident. Maybe on purpose, maybe not. The accident led to a hasty marriage and new life. OOPS! It happens. Not my fault!

I think it was at a time that for some reason I had lost contact with everyone. But I got a call and found out the news. I was also invited - by someone else - to go visit!

Well why not.

As it turns out she had married some kid whose father had recently died and left him with a full fledged business. A business that was making money. He had a really nice house on a decent size chunk of land in a good area. The living area of the house was built over the business. The business was boarding animals. The place was bonded, meaning that was the only place that could collect critters that came into the airport. US Customs dogs also stayed there.

Which was strange, for the living area of the house had a constant cloud of mystery smoke wafting around. It made for some interesting times. There would be a room full of people hanging out and smoking "stuff" - when a van that said "US Customs" would pull up and a bunch of federal agents with dogs would get out and come in the house and nobody seemed to care.

It really was strange. But whatever. Cool place to hang out. There was AC and a TV and other things.

And now for the bears. One day bears were flown into the airport. And the bears needed a place to hang out for a few days. So they came to the place. Real live Russian circus bears. Hairy, stinky, pissed off, BEARS. In cages made from cheap plywood and flat iron bars. ALL the welds had cracks on them.

And since this was a Russian outfit, the cages were barely large enough. Yea I know - bad pun. But the cages were small. The bears could not really even stand up fully. The boxes were just large enough that the bears could be crammed into the cages.

Now imaging you had to fly all the way to Miami from somewhere in Russia in a box that was really too small for you. How happy would you be? Now imagine you are a BEAR! Now how pissed off are you going to be?

Very. The answer is very. Everyone hates flying. Epically bears. They have to fly as cargo you know. No drink service, no movie, no anything.

The bears could only speak Russian. And nobody except the trainers could speak Russian. But the trainers bailed. Leaving the bears. In the flimsy looking cages.

And of course, the bears got hungry. But there were fruit trees on the property. So some hippies went off and collected a few bananas and stuff.

And thus we all learned that if you show two hungry bears food, and only give them one banana at a time - and then run out of "bear food" long before the bears are not hungry anymore - the bears get very mad. I mean they were a little upset about the flight arrangement as it was, but then you show a hungry bear one banana when they want 10 pounds of bananas??

Seriously - someone was feeding the bears grapes ONE GRAPE AT A TIME. That REALLY pissed them off. Imagine a person who has not eaten all day, and some asshole offers them ONE CHEETO. One. Not one bad. But one single solitary Cheeto.

So the idea occurred to someone that dumpsters are your friend when you have to feed bears. Perfectly good bear food is thrown out every day.

So a few people loaded up into the business van and headed off to raid dumpsters.

We actually returned with a bounty of food. Some of it was pretty rank, but we did find one market that was tossing out a lot of stuff that was just too ripe to sell, but was not rotten yet. We got to that stuff before it even got near the dumpster.

In a short time we had what seemed like enough bear food. So we went back.

This time we did not show the bears the food. We just got two piles of it and rapidly stuffed it into the cages. So the bears had enough food to make them happy.

I think the wacky Russians showed up later with real bear food. Maybe they bought it from the zoo? Who knows. But they brought something. Which was good, as nobody really wanted to mess with the pissed off caged bears.

The gross thing is that some of the hippies there decided that the bear food was also human food. And they made this large bowl of salad.

We fed the bears all the good stuff. Needless to say I did not eat anything.

So there. My famous bear story. And as crazy as it sounds, it is all true. Really. It is true. In spite of the time-space altering plants it is true.

So what happened after that? A lot. The kid running the place let it go. It got a little scary to be there. The marriage broke up - badly. I quit hanging out at the place, and after some time I lost contact with everyone involved with the place. The house was trashed (really trashed - doors removed all windows broken and the whole works). The business closed. The land was sold and subdivided and is now a bunch of single family homes.

But the bear story lives on. I shall never forget the Russian circus bears. And the adventure they spawned. Those were crazy times.

August 10th

So today one of the critters GOT MY DINNER. Cleo the half wild cat looked the most guilty. I suspect she had something to do with the dinner theft.

Food around here has to be guarded closely. Otherwise something furry steals it. And then I have to find something else to eat.

I have a plan to get even. I am going to steal Cleo's cat food. HA! Take that! Ill steal Cleo's food and eat it and let the cat find something else to eat!

And now that I have seen the plan in writing, it does not seem like such a good plan after all. Ill have to think about some tweaks to the plan. It starts out good, but then the logic of the plan gets all messed up.

In other non-furry critter related news, I have made plans for August 10th. Plans that involve a cat - but one made of fiberglass. There are also aluminum tanks full of compressed air involved in the plan.

So far the idea is that people come here, where the boat is already connected to the truck. Some stuff is loaded into the boat and/or truck, and then I take off to the Keys. Key Largo actually. It is not a very far drive. And hour and a half max.

It shall be a diving trip. This is why the tanks of compressed air come into play. They are kind of important for a diving mission.

I do not know where I am going yet. Ill figure that out later.

People Actually Notice

Yes, people actually notice.

This blog.

Really - they do! I called someone and they mentioned that I had not updated the blog. Imagine that.

You noticed I did not update this blog - but do you comment????? OH HELL NO!!!! Leaving an anonymous comment is too much to ask. I make it very easy to leave comments here. You do not even need to log into anything. Just leave an anonymous comment. 100% anonymous.

But that is too difficult I suppose. I guess I need to make it even easier to leave an ANONYMOUS comment.

Anonymous.

Anyhow I am light years beyond that. I do not really care.

Because my truck allows me to set the cruise control at speeds as low as 25 mph. But why would I want to use cruise control at 30 mph?

Oh....I don't know. Lets just leave it at that. OK!?!?!?!?!?

OK.

Getting back to the issue at hand, people notice this blog. And that makes me feel better. At times.

But I missed Bastille Day. The day a bunch of peasants deduced to storm the Bastille. Those peasants. Thinking they can just storm a royal palace/prison/arsenal.

But they did storm the prison/arsenal. And I imagine they released a bunch of prisoners and got a bunch of guns.

And it was all good. Some kings and queens and shit lost their heads - but whose problem was that????

Not mine.

But seriously - I missed a good party. With FREE BOOZE!!!!!!! FREE BOOZE!!!! And I missed it.

THAT sucks.

There is always next year.

IF I get invited to go somewhere, like for example New Orleans, I should go. Why not.

Note to people that may read this. CALL PEOPLE! Find out where they are. Find out what is going on.

I got nothing to do. I am ready to roll - so to speak.

GOOGLE! SAVE ME!!!

Yes it is! Not just great. Its fucking great!

That is the best kind of great by the way.

So whats with the picture? GLAD YOU ASKED! See I had nothing. So I did what any awesome blogger would do when faced with such a problem.

I searched Google Images for "funny shit". And that is what I found as the number 1 result. So I stole it and posted it here.

And just like that, I went from having nothing to having a picture of a bird taking a shit on some kid while the parents (probably drunk) decided that the thing to do was TAKE A PICTURE! Sure! Don't do anything about it! OH NO! Take a picture!!

And then in 50 years those same parents wonder why their kids just put them in the nursing home. Gee I wonder why that happened. Not only did you NOT rescue me from the pigeon but you POSTED THE PHOTO ON THE INTERNET!!! Do you realize the trouble that caused me when I ran for the Senate?

We can only hope that picture is a photoshop job.

By the way - internet safety tip!!! Whenever searching Google images using the key word "shit" MAKE SURE SAFE SEARCH IS ON!!! Even if you are searching "funny shit". Safe search should be on. Got it? Good.

Because you do not want to see what came up as result 9. But Ill give you a hint. Take out the key word "funny". What key word is left???

But bad parenting is not just something that happens in the park where you let a nasty pigeon shit all over your kid. OH NO! It knows no bounds.



Now what the hell is wrong here? Lets see. You have a baby and a COBRA! A fucking COBRA! A real live pissed off COBRA.

What can possibly go wrong? NOTHING! This is going to be funny!

I like the part about 35 seconds into the video where the snake looks right at the idiot holding the camera as if to say "DUDE! What the fuck is the matter with you? Aren't you going to do something about this OTHER THAN FILM IT??? Were you born retarded because your mother drank a pint of tequila every day when she was pregnant or did you get dropped you on your head at some point?"

Seriously the baby was not really in any danger. Snake charmers defang the cobras. So the snake has no way if injecting poison into anything. But still. Snakes do have smaller teeth and if you get bit by one you COULD get an infection. So still not a good idea.

Wow. It seems I did have something after all. And here I thought I had nothing.