Lazy's Halloween Tips And Rants

You want to read this post. And you want to pay attention to the post. Because if you do not, your house and/or car may get egged.

But first some Halloween history. October 31 is a magical time of year. It is not summer, but it is not winter either. The days are getting shorter - but they are not that short yet. This time of year was between life and death. A long time ago, before heating oil, winter was really scary. People believed that the dead could walk the Earth on this day. They also believed in witches and goblins and shit.

But that was all back in the stone age. Literally in the stone age. Really. The people that made all this crap up were probably the same people who built Stonehenge. And there is no iron in that thing. So we are talking some stone age crap here. And it does seem that the modern day Halloween traditions are rooted in Ancient Ireland / England.

NOTE - even if a lot of Halloween traditions are rooted in Ancient Ireland, it is NOT appropriate to give stout to children.

But even today, the stone age lives. Here is a quote from someone who wants to remain in the stone age, where witches and goblins are real and do live in the spooky forest.

"I think we ought to close Halloween down. Do you want your children to dress up as witches? The Druids used to dress up like this when they were doing human sacrifice...[The children] are acting out Satanic rituals and participating in it, and don't even realize it."--Pat Robertson, "The 700 Club," 1982-OCT-29

OK! Thank you Pat Robertson! Close down Halloween because it is "Satanic". One problem here pal, the Druids did not believe in Satan. At least not the Satan in the Bible. So how can something be "Satanic" if there is no "Satan" in the culture? Got me there. There have been many religions in the course of human history. Some are still around, some are gone - but none of them worshiped the "Satan" in the Bible. Except the modern day Church Of Satan - but nobody pays attention to them. That stuff was invented in the 1960s by some dude on LSD.

And then there is this little snippet I found HERE, written by "The 700 Club". Whoever that is.

But while children and adults innocently imitate ancient Celtic customs, darker practices persist. Witches and Satanists still consider Halloween to be one of the strongest times during the year to cast a spell. On Halloween most witchcraft practitioners participate in a ritual called "drawing down the moon." In this the chief witch of the coven (group of witches) becomes, they believe, a channel for the moon goddess. During this ritual the participants, both male and female, are 'sky-clad" -- that is , naked. Stonehenge, the mysterious ancient stone formation in England, is often the site for bizarre gatherings of occultists, some of who believe they are modern-day Druids. (Many people believe that Stonehenge was a Druid religious site.) And evidence persists that some Satanist and voodoo groups offer sacrifices usually animals, but, possibly, human babies.

Problem here is that the Druids were probably NOT naked for their fall celebrations. It was really cold. Summer celebrations they might have been naked, but not this late in the year! And did you catch the last bit? HUMAN BABIES are being offered by Satanic and Voodoo groups at Stonehenge still to this day? What a crock of shit. Stonehenge is in the UK, not the moon. Don't you think Scotland Yard would have issued with this? Please. None of that shit is going on today. Totally made up. There is other stuff in the article that is made up too. This is why the author is listed as "The 700 Club". Nobody wants to attach their name to this crap.

And then there is this!!!

"There is [only] one reference to human sacrifice in Celtic literature, but it appears to be a Christian forgery. The ancient Celts might have engaged in ritual killing; certainly other contemporary societies did. Modern Druids, of course, do not."

The above is from THIS WEBSITE in case you want to read more. There is plenty of evidence that the Druids had blood sacrifices. And by "blood sacrifices" I mean animal sacrifices. But there is a lot of that stuff in the Old Testament too. So "Halloween" is not, and there is no evidence to support that it was ever, about human sacrifice.

Oh yea, in the Biblical story of Abraham - what did God supposedly tell the guy to do? Sacrifice what on the mountain? And according to the story - Abraham was ready to do it. But at the last possible second God said "I can't believe you fell for this! Man are you gullible! You were really going to do it!". So it seems that human sacrifice is not just for pagan religions.

Anyway back to today. Enough about what happened thousands of years ago.

In advance of Halloween for 1999, Focus on the Family, a Fundamentalist Christian agency conducted a poll of their web site visitors concerning their plans to observe Halloween. ₁ Results were:

	30% Avoid it because it is evil
	29% Enjoy costumes and candy
	29% Turn it into a fall festival
	9% Ignore it for lack of interest
	4% Observe it as Reformation Day -- a recognition of the founding of Protestantism and the division of Christianity into thousands of faith groups.

Get this? 30% avoid Halloween because it is "evil". But just as many enjoy costumes and candy, or have made it a fall festival. The 9% that avoid it for lack of interest must be really old farts. I mean - everyone gets invited to a Halloween party right?

So what exactly is so evil about today? Have we accepted that witches and goblins are not real? People can not fly around on brooms, there is no such thing as a witch potion, cats eyes glow in the dark due to reflected light NOT because of evil spirits and so on.

So what is left? Halloween was never about "Satan". This is just something people are making up today. People who should know better. People who should know that there is no such thing as a "wizard" or "magic" or any of that crap.

Can we PLEASE join the 21st Century and leave the stone age behind already?!?!?! PLEASE?!?!?!?!

Halloween is just a good time for kids. They get to dress up like something and score a bunch of free candy from neighbors. And there are also fun Halloween type games like trying to snatch apples out of a tub of water without using your hands, carving up pumpkins into scary lamps, and so on. In other words - fun! Not Satanism. Fun. Witches are not real. Dressing up in a "witch" costume will not make your kid an evil Satanic Witch.

It will however make them hyper and then sick, after they eat a pound or so of candy.

And now for my tips.

DO NOT GIVE OUT CHEAP CANDY!!!!!!

Spring for the good stuff. Trust me here. If you hand out the good stuff, the evil spirits are pleased and are less likely to egg your house. Goblins and witches and ghosts are really good at toilet papering and egging things.

So hand out good stuff.

Tip number 2 is DO NOT RUN OUT OF CANDY! Buy enough so you will not run out. If you run out of candy, the evil spirits are not pleased and you may get egged.

Tip 3 is DO NOT BE STINGY WITH THE CANDY! If you paid attention to tip 1 and 2 you have ample supplies of the good stuff. One mini Snickers is not going to cut it. You need to hand out a few different things. Mix it up. Maybe a Snickers with a Mars Bar and a Kit Kat and some mini Hershey Chocolate things. This way if the goblin does not like one thing you put in the bag, they can trade it to the vampire for something else. But no matter what, you put something in the bag the goblin likes.

Doing this will please the evil spirits, and you are less likely to get toilet papered or egged.

Tip 4 is NO HEALTH FOOD! Goblins do not want granola bars, fruit, or vegetables. Everyone knows the undead live on sugar and chocolate. And Pixie Sticks!!! Remember Pixie Sticks??? Those were good. Do they still make them? If so, you can never go wrong with Pixie Sticks. So stick with the known things evil spirits like, and lay off the crap.

Plus, some sick bastards out there have put razor blades and stuff in apples. WHO THE HELL DOES THIS???!!? What kind of total ass do you have to be? So apples are no good. Also, fresh fruit is expensive these days. Chocolate and other junk is a lot cheaper.

By the way, the razor blade thing may have been a hoax by someone (or some group) trying to end Halloween festivities. While there HAVE been sharp objects found in Halloween loot, most of the reports turn out to be hoaxes. Click the link to read more.

But reports of poisoned candy are apparently ALL HOAXES. All of them. It has never been documented. The stories first floated around in the 1960s and then went away - until 1982. I remember 1982 - barely. But I do remember the poisoned Tylenol. Remember that? Some sick fuck was poisoning Tylenol. The stuff was pulled off store shelves nation wide. And then the candy stories resurfaced.

Observing tip 4 will please the evil spirits, and make it less likely that they seek revenge on you later that night in the form of toilet paper and eggs.

Nobody tell Pat Robertson that people can not fly around on brooms. He really thinks this is possible. Ill bet his house gets egged. He probably does not hand out any candy.

Got More Stuff

EXCITING NEWS! I ordered the Aquapod 12 gallon HQI aquarium. The Aquapod is an "all in one" design, with a false back that includes an overflow and space to put filter media.

The HQI part means it comes with no top and a 70 watt metal halide lamp with a color temperature of 14,000 kelvins. The higher the color temperature, the cooler the light is. This means more blue. 10,000 kelvins is considered to be perfectly white. I think. So lower than 10,000 means more yellow / red and higher means more blue. 14,000 kelvins will simulate water at a depth of 10 to 15 feet. Perfect for a lot of stuff. 12 gallons with 70 watts of light means almost 6 watts per gallon - plenty of light for some fancy stuff. Like corals. When I set it up, most likely it will be saltwater. What the hell.

The tank has no canopy. It is an open design. I may get a glass lid for it to slow down evaporation. Or keep it open. Halide lights generate a lot of heat, but with no cover the heat will not be trapped.

Photos of the thing will be posted as soon as it arrives. I already know that a few modifications are needed. It will be fun to design the modifications.

So now I feel a little better about the death of the cell phone. I have insurance on the thing (I forgot that I had it) so I will be making a claim. The replacement phone I want will cost $150 after all the discounts and stuff. But I will try to get that lowered by making an insurance claim.

Depending on how much they give me for my claim - I will either retain the insurance or tell them to keep the claim offer, convert it to Mexican pennies, and cram it all up their ass. And of course drop all insurance. If all they offer is a measly $10 or $20 then what is the point? What the hell is the $3 or so a month for insurance for? I should at least get $100. At least. Maybe even enough to get the $150 phone for free.

I just love fighting with a company over insurance claims. Something tells me this is going to be a pain in my ass.

So I ordered the tank to make me feel better. I do feel a little better.

But this could be due to the Sierra Nevada Pale Ale I bought today. I have been out of beer for at least 2 weeks. I was just not motivated to get any.

The Tropical Storm will NOT hit Florida. The cone is shifting to the west (towards FL) but it will not hit. I wish it would - Central FL really needs the water. In fact, the storm needs to make landfall and stall out over Central Florida, then move SLOWLY up the coast dumping rain along the way. Atlanta is about out of water, as is Fuzz.


But whatever - it is not going to hit Florida. It will move out to sea, and die once it gets into colder water. After it rains on The Bahamas - it will only be a threat to ships at sea.

Design Flaws

It is time I come clean. I know a chick who owns a Toyota Prius. The hybrid.

So anyway, she goes on some manner of vacation. And she leaves her car parked in the parking garage at her work location. I guess she lives in crack city and did not want to leave the car parked there. Whatever. That is not important.

What IS important is that the 12 volt battery in her car died. This is design flaw number 1. The 12 volt battery is puny. I have seen hearing aides with more battery capacity than the Prius battery had. Remember this is Florida - the retirement state. LOTS of old people here. I think 10% of the residents are veterans of the Civil War. 5% of the population remember George Washington and 1% went to high school with Moses.

The Prius has 2 batteries. One is huge and has 200 volts. This battery runs the car but is useless to start the engine. The 12 volt battery is so small that I wonder what it is even used for. I mean shit - how hard would it be to design the vehicle to use a standard automotive battery? But nooooo - Toyota had to make the Prius to use a little battery that is almost worthless.

Anyway, over the week plus the chick was out out town the battery discharged. I think she left her "smartkey" feature on. Or maybe it was the alarm. Who knows. The point is the battery died.

So I get a call last night. Her battery is dead and since I have a truck it stands to reason I have jumper cables. Well I do! How about that? I got everything in my tool box. Even Kenneth Cole Black. Everything.

Anyhow today I go meet her at her office building to rescue the Prius. I got my truck, I got the jumper cables, and so on. Check check check. Everything in order .

So we get to the car. Now I have already covered the first major design flaw in the Prius. The small battery. Really - the thing MIGHT be 100 amp hours. Maybe. More likely it is only 50 amp hours. It is really small. I have seen D cell batteries with more capacity. So that is design flaw 1.

Design flaw 2 is that when the little 12 volt battery dies - nothing unlocks. Well the drivers side door unlocks. but can you open the back doors? Hell no. There is no manual door lock. No maybe there was a "child lock" thing going on that I did not know about. But whatever was going on - only the drivers door could be opened. Design flaw 2.

Design flaw 3 relates to what is not under the hood. The battery is not under the hood. So I get the hood open and.......where the fuck is the battery? Not under the hood. And with no battery, there is nothing to jump.

NOTE - upon consultation with other Prius owners it turns out there is a hidden 12 volt terminal under the hood that can be used as a jump start point. But I did not know this. So it still counts as a design flaw.

Now I consult the owners manual to find out where the hell the battery is. As it turns out, the battery is in the hatchback. but do you remember design flaw 2? Nothing opens except the drivers door? So how the hell can I get access to the hatchback?

As it turns out there is a manual release - inside the car. So now I have to crawl into the back of the car - from the drivers seat. There is this pull shade thing that is hiding all the crap in the hatchback that has to be removed. Then the back seats have to fold down. Now all the crap has to be removed from the hatchback. And now there is a cover that has to be removed. Then the "luggage rack" has to be removed. And now I can get to the manual release. Design flaw 4 is the mega pain in the ass it is to open the hatchback if the battery dies.

Shit I had a 1989 DODGE Daytona that had a hatchback. I could open the hatchback with the key. No battery needed. HELLO TOYOTA! Why the fuck make things so complicated?

And now there are only two more covers to remove and then I can see the positive and negative terminals for the battery. So I jump the battery. The car starts.

And as soon as I remove my jumper cables - the car dies. As it turns out if the transmission is in neutral the battery will not recharge.

So I tell the chick to put the car in park and restart it. She does. And it starts. Then I remove my jumper cables. And the car runs. So I follow her out of the parking garage. She uses her access card to open the gate and she drives out. I of course am still in the garage. So she puts the car in park and goes back to the gate to open it again. And it will not open.

So I drive around the gate. I have a truck. Fuck the curbs and the landscaping. I can drive over all that shit. So I do.

Anyway there you go. The design flaws in the Toyota Prius. Something so simple had to be made so complicated. Of course it should be noted there is a jump start terminal under the hood, but it is hidden under a cover and that cover can only be removed with the key and I did not know this so I had no way of knowing about it.

I have decided I want the AT&T 8525 as my replacement phone.

It has bluetooth and 802.11 capability and a full keyboard and shit. I can get it for $150 plus a two year contract extension. I was going to extend the contract anyway, so I might as well get a discount on a phone for doing so.

I also want to order this thing.

This is the Aquapod 12 gallon with a 70 watt HQI lighting system. For only $150 plus $30 shipping. Not a bad deal at all. I have no place to put the shit right now, but when a deal like this comes along you do not worry about such things. Just get it. So I may.

Saga Of The Phone

I have a Sony/Ericson cell phone. The Z520A to be exact. It looks like this ----->

It is an OK phone. And by "OK" I means since it was "free" and I did not have to pay extra for it, I do not want to cram it far up someone's ass. I wanted a phone with Bluetooth, and my dad was up for a free replacement phone. I was not. My contract was not old enough. So my dad ordered a replacement phone (and also extended his contract which he was going to do anyway) and that is how I got the Z520A. I took the SIM chip out of my old phone, stuck it into this thing, and that was all there was to it.

Well today I was in the backyard, messing with some electrical extension cord. I set the phone down on something. And while I was away connecting the automatic battery charger to the boat it started to rain.

Now it did not rain very hard or for very long. So the phone only got a little wet. I rescued it and dried it off. Everything seemed to be fine. But a little while after that - KAPUT! The phone turns off and will not turn on. I even tried using the hair drier on it. But no. It will not turn on.

So I am back to the old phone. I put the SIM chip back into the old phone and it works. I did not loose any phone numbers. That is good. But now I need a new phone.

So what do I get to do! Go to the ATT store and put my name on the list and wait for some jackass to look up my account and say "you are not eligible for a free phone, but here is one for only $100!".

I wanted to get a smart phone anyway. Maybe the I-Phone, but I do not know. The deal breaker with that thing is if it works on an 802.11 network. I needs something that is a phone and also gets internet access if there is an 802.11 network.

But I lack the spendable funds for the I-Phone. Or any phone for that matter. But the free replacement phones if you agree to extend a contract usually suck. So I guess I am stuck with the old phone for a while, till I can get something else better. Or I may just take whatever free phone the bastards offer (if they offer one at all) just so I can get the Bluetooth back. And of course the AT&T website is down.

But there is some good out of all this. I did not loose my numbers. SIM chips so totally rule.

Now for something completely different.

What happens when you take David Lee Roth, mix in a little Gene Simmons, take some lyrics from Def Leppard "Photograph", and a whole lot of cocaine?

You get Dr. Rockso The Rock And Roll Clown.
Dr. Rockso Music Video

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What this has to do with anything is a mystery even to me.

Grade 8 Hardware

Well I got my Grade 8 bolt. I went to this welding shop that sells quality hardware. This bolt can withstand some serious sheer forces. It will break before it bends. I put it in the boat winch and put it under load......and nothing. No bending at all. Not even a little. Sweet.

BUT....the new winch strap I had bought is damaged. So that needs to be replaced. The thing is only a week old and it already needs to be replaced.

Home Depot - you suck so much that I can not even begin to get into it. The suckness factor of Home Depot is like the gravity of all the black holes in the universe combined - infinite.

Anyhow - that is all over with. Now I know better. Next time I go back to that place it will be to release a swarm of killer bees.

I think microwave popcorn is the greatest invention of the 20th century. Yes some may say that the jet engine is the greatest invention, but I say microwave popcorn.

Speaking of popcorn, you can get FREE POPCORN BY CLICKING HERE! Just pay a small shipping charge. The TV commercial I am watching right now says this is some good popcorn. So click the link and get some. Get it now before someone uses that corn to make ethanol. I ordered mine. Or at least I am going to order mine.

Sunday there is a plan to go out in the boat. This should be fun. I have little idea what is going on. No point in thinking about it too much. Just go with the flow.

I promise that I will not have another post that mentions math for a long time. I apologize for the math from yesterday. I try to not do that.

To make up for the math, here is a photo of what I would look like if I were a pirate. If you have an I-Phone you can download an application for it called "pirate". Now any photo you take with the phone can be instantly turned into a pirate photo. And they say the I-Phone is just another phone!
The parrot's name is "scurvy". Can you tell I was drinking beer when the photo was taken? Well I was. I was also giving "the shocker" hand signal, but that did not make it in the photo.


By the way - one more thing. I have the ultimate answer to the age old question "which came first, the chicken or the egg".

Home Depot Sucks

After careful review of all this week's posts it is clear that I am going to run out of material. I can not just keep this good stuff up for very long. Ben Franklin and his air baths, the "Dead Russian Composer Personality Test"? Project X, the Philadelphia Experiment, getting down with some culture in the form of a new Iguana Music playlist, my crazy theory about the water (or lack of it) situation, A Flock Of Seagulls, and words of my deeds reaching high places - all in one week.

How long can I keep all this good stuff up? Who knows.

So today I will write about why Home Depot SUCKS. Really. That place sucks.

I replaced the winch on the boat. No big deal. The old winch was fine - but I found a cool dual speed winch (4:1 and 12:1 gear ratios) that is rated for 2,500 pounds. The old winch was not rated for 2,500 pounds and had a ratio of 3.6:1 or something.

If I ever had to pull the boat on the trailer without powering it on, it would have been a bitch with the old winch. But with the 12:1 ratio gear on the new winch engaged, it would be a whole lot easier.

For those who are not so inclined, 12:1 means I have to turn the winch handle 12 times to bring the winch strap in one turn. 4:1 means I turn the handle 4 times to bring the winch strap in 1 turn. So why would I use the 12:1 gear? Mechanical advantage. Using the 12:1 ratio I get a lot more mechanical advantage than I would at 4:1. This means that by applying equal amounts of force to the winch handle, I can pull more weight using the 12:1 gear than the 4:1 gear.

Get it? Good. Cause I do not want to get all mathematical on you. OK fine I will get down with some math. Ill keep it simple.

Work = Force x Distance.

So lets say I need to do 1oo units of work to bring the boat up on the trailer. Using the 4:1 gear (fast retrieve) the math can be represented as such.

100 = Force x 4

Rearranging to solve for Force we get:

Force = 100/4 OR Force = 25.

So there. At the 4:1 gear ratio I would need to apply 25 units of force to do 100 units of work.

Now at 12:1 (the winch turns very slow) what would it look like?

100 = Force x 12
Force = 100/12
Force = 8.333333333 (or more exactly, 8 1/3)

So there. To do the same amount of work I have to apply 25 units of force to the handle using the 4:1 gear or 8 1/3 units of force to do the same amount of work using the 12:1 gear. This is what mechanical advantage is all about. So lets say each unit of force represents 10 pounds. Would you rather have a 4:1 winch (and have to apply 250 pounds to the handle) or a 12:1 winch and only have to apply 83 pounds to the winch handle? Of course the handle itself is a lever and gives you some more mechanical advantage - but whatever. You get the idea.

This new winch has both gears. I can use the 4:1 gear to bring the winch strap in fast, and when it gets hard to crank switch to the 12:1 gear to bring the boat up. I should be able to pull the boat up onto the trailer even if I can not power it on using the engine for whatever reason.

Anyway, to attach the strap to the winch I need a bolt. The strap has a loop at one end, you put the bolt through that loop then attach the bolt to the winch. Now when I crank the handle the strap just winds on the winch. Otherwise, it would slip.

So I go to Home Depot to buy a 3/8 bolt. This is the thickest diameter strap bolt that the winch can take.

And when I spooled the strap on and hooked it up to the boat and then applied some force to tighten the strap - the bolt started to bend.

What the crap? Ill tell you what - cheap garbage hardware from Home Depot. So I have to do what I should have done in the first place - go to the welding shop and see if they have some Grade 8 hardware. Or some hardened stainless steel. In short, I need the strongest 3/8 bolt I can get. And I will NOT find this at Home Depot. Because all you will find at Home Depot is cheap garbage unfit to build a birdhouse with.

In Miami-Dade County we have strict building codes. Even a birdhouse needs to be able to withstand a category 3 hurricane. And using Home Depot hardware - this is just not going to happen.

Project X

So what is Project X? Can't tell you. You would have to apply for security clearance. And by "apply for security clearance" I mean "send me $100 cash". Cause that is how I roll. I do not need your fingerprints, your social security number, your drivers license number, your photograph, or any of that stuff.

If my good buddy Ben Franklin will vouch for you - then you are good to go in my book.

By the way, speaking of my good friend Ben Franklin - did you know he was a nudist? Yup. That is right. Franklin was so sure that fresh air was important for good health that he took a daily “air bath”. He wrote to the French physician, Jacques Barbeu-Dubourg, describing it thus: “I rise early almost every morning and sit in my chamber, without any clothes whatever, half an hour or an hour, according to the season, either reading or writing.”

He would also hang out near the window - so as to get the full health benefits of the fresh air. While bare ass naked.

How about that for a mental picture? This guy, taking an "air bath". While standing by the open window, just hanging out all over the place.

Now if I lived back then, I would have beat the artist who painted that picture with a stick. I mean, if I were going to pay an artist to make a portrait of me, I would say "dude - remove about 100 pounds from that painting or I shall kick you in the nut sack".

Would you pay for a painting of yourself that made you look THAT FAT?

But anyway - back to that mental image! Maybe there was something to the air bath thing. He did live to age 84 - back in an age when making it to 50 meant you were an old fart.

Anyhow - Project X. What is it. I am secretly working for the US Navy on a plan to make a warship invisible to submarines. Using Einstein's Unified Field Theory it is possible to bend light, and therefore make a large ship invisible.

OH WAIT! That is not Project X. That is the Philadelphia Experiment. Never mind. I just made that all up. I blame the electromagnetic fog I was exposed to during the experiment.

Project X is actually a catch all massive multi-front project. This way if one part leaks out, the public thinks they know everything. HA! But you don't! You only know of Project X Section A Sub-Section D. See how that works?

One part of Project X involves a whole new Iguana Music playlist. It is going along - slowly. Finding complete works is proving to be an issue.

Another part of Project X involves this weekend, and possibly the boat.

The rest is classified. You will have to get my good buddy Ben Franklin to vouch for you.

Getting Culture....Bacteria Culture

So I have decided to make my own yogurt. And to do that I need bacteria! So I have to start my own bacteria culture.

So what I have done is add a bunch of classical music selections to the Iguana Music. I got some dead Russian composers ( Modest Mussorgsky, Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky), some Beethoven, some Mozart, and whoever wrote O Fortuna - also known as "that song from the movie Excalibur". By the way, the composer is Carl Orff - but almost nobody knows that. It is forever known as "that song from the movie Excalibur".

I may end up replacing a large amount of the Iguana Music with stuff that will get you in touch with come culture. Or better yet - I may make up a whole other play list!

The problem is that Project Play List does not have complete symphonies. They are broken down into movements and stuff. Some movements are not there. Take Beethoven's 9th symphony. The first movement is there, as is the Ode To Joy - but the second movement? Nowhere to be found. How about that? How can I have the 9th symphony without the second movement? Can't be done. So I may have to get creative here.

Also some pieces are cut off. Take Mussorgsky's "A Night On Bald Mountain". Is all 7 minutes of the work there? No. Only the first three or four minutes. But you have to deal with it - for it is all I can find.

I may have to bust out with my massive and legendary CD collection and make me own MP3 files. Complete works. Then I can put some really good stuff up. But that would technically be illegal - so I do not know. I do not want to get sued. The guy who made the music is dead - so the copyright is expired. But the orchestra who preforms the work may still hold some manner of copyright. How about them apples.

But there is hope! Namely it would be hard to identify the orchestra. So if the link is "Beethoven's 9th Symphony" how would you know what recording it is? I would not. They all basically sound the same.

And now - you can take the DEAD RUSSIAN COMPOSER PERSONALITY TEST!

I am this guy.

If I were a Dead Russian Composer, I would be Modest Mussorgsky. I am a Romantic period psycho who's drunk more often than not. I died of this affliction, not surprisingly. My famous works include "Night on Bald Mountain" and "Pictures at an Exhibition." Who would you be? Dead Russian Composer Personality Test

By the way, if you want to be this guy too just select "vodka" as the answer to every question.

Someone has to tell me how to make a cool drop down box that has all my post tags, and how often each tag is used. That would be cool.

Songs Of My Deeds

I cleaned up my Iguana Music links. The ones that no longer work were deleted. I was able to replace some links - others I was not able to replace. The way the Iguana Music works is with links. The MP3 files are not on any web space I have any control over. I simply find links through Project Play List. So if I can not find links through the play list thing I have to do a little more work.

So needless to say, the selection is somewhat limited. Oh well. With all the broken links gone, I have more open spaces. So I can find new music!

I am up for some kind of award. It seems that songs of my valor have been made, and spread among all the lands.

Monday morning I get a call. Someone wants to know the name of my boat (Seagull) and my registration numbers. Words of my valiant rescue at sea of 4 idiots who were dumb enough to jump off a fishing bridge reached someone who wants to give me a certificate. So I got that going for me. I can adorn some wall with tapestries depicting my deeds.

Reality Is Biased

As the Earth continues to revolve and rotate around the sun, causing the sun to rise and set and the seasons to slowly pass - time keeps on ticking.

And so it is that another week begins. Exciting huh? I thought so. Stupid planet with its revolving and rotating! Hey planet - this shit is getting old already. You are such a one trick pony. Billions of years (or maybe only 6,000 years depending on what crazy theories you subscribe to) of the same old thing. Spinning and revolving. Yawn.

So yea, a new week begins. And what shall this week bring? Fun? Adventure? Excitement? Rain for Atlanta? None of the above?

Speaking of rain for Atlanta - SERVES YOU PEOPLE RIGHT! Now call me crazy but I have made a few observations.

1. In 2000, Miami-Dade County was a blueish purple County. Al Gore did carry Dade County, by at least 10,000 votes (I think it was more than that). The mayor of time, Alex Penelas, was a Democrat.

2. In 2004 same deal. Miami-Dade County was a blueish purple. More blue than red.

3. Atlanta was not more blue than red in 2000 and 2004. It was mostly red.

4. Miami-Dade County has plenty of water, Atlanta is running out.

Huh. Strange.

And for that matter, Florida was (as we all remember) red. And the reddest parts of Florida are also running out of water. But for some reason, Miami-Dade County has received enough rain to keep our aquifer full.

I can not figure this out. I am working on a theory now. Ill let you all know what it is when I put all the pieces of my research together.

I need to get another hair cut. But I need inspiration for a new style. I am looking towards this band.

Can you believe people used to watch this crap on MTV?

The process situation is stressful. AGGGHHHHHH! There. I feel better now. I think I forgot to eat Sunday. OOPS! Must have slipped my mind. I am going to loose weight faster than a meth head.

And now, for your enjoyment, the most offensive web based game EVER. Click HERE.

Darwin Awards

Saturday was kayak race day! I volunteered my time, and boat, to do communications, logistics, and support for the event.

It was fairly uneventful. This is good. Uneventful means nothing bad happened. That is until the end of the event. More on that later.

What I was doing was simply keeping track of who was where. I tracked the kayaks on the long course - which was 12 miles. The water got really shallow in some places, and the kayaks went through motorboat exclusion zones - so I could not follow them for the whole time.

When the kayaks crossed the ICW channel, I used my boat to "block" the way. The kayaks are hard so see. So I would keep up with them as they crossed the channels. My boat is a lot more visible.

Anyway as the last kayak was finishing, and going into safe water, I hear over the radio that some people had jumped off the bridge. I was right there next to the bridge. The bridge is actually the old Rickenbacker Causeway going to Virginia Key. There used to be a draw bridge there, but the draw bridge was removed decades ago and a high span (60 something feet) was built. There is a lot of boat traffic, so the draw bridge was just not going to work. Also the new span is 4 lanes.

Anyhow the old span is still there - minus the draw bridge part - and is used as a fishing pier.

So I look and see two people in the water. They one was trying to climb up a thin rope that someone was using to keep a bait bucket tied to. The rope was maybe all of 1/8 inch - impossible to climb. And then someone else jumped into the water and started to swim away.

So what the hell is going on here?

Meanwhile, Spider Man has decided he can not climb the rope, so he is now holding onto three thin ropes and people on the bridge are trying to pull him up.

Oh yea, there is a current flowing under the bridge, pulling the people away from the bridge. The water is 8 - 12 feet deep.

So I position my boat under the bridge to see just what the hell is the major malfunction. It turns out they all jumped in "for fun". For fun? OK. Whatever.

I ask if they want to be taken to the beach. One guy (Spider Man) climbs on. The other guy insists on not using the swim platform, climbing up the hard way. The current takes my boat into a piling. No damage is done - but now I am getting fed up. I can not engage the engine because the fucking moron in the water could get chopped up. Meanwhile the idiot is not using the swim platform to get in.

Anyhow, both geniuses manage to get in. So I head out against the current and head to the nearby public beach.

And I find two more people. They are swimming from piling to piling, stopping at each one to rest. But the current is pushing them against the piles.

Barnacles and shit are growing on those things. It is very easy to get cut up.

So I ask them if they want to get in. They say "no, we are going to swim in".

OK enough of this bullshit. I tell them that there is a current that WILL pull them away from the bridge. Nobody is wearing a PFD. They are swimming near things with sharp edges. They can either get in the boat, or get carried away from the bridge by the current. The tide was changing and the current was only going to get stronger. They had to decide to get in or not.

So they opt in. One guy climbs in - the hard way - not using the swim platform. The current is bringing me into the piles again. I can not engage the engine because of the danger from the prop. Nobody seems to understand the concept of the swim platform and swim ladder.

The 4th guy was getting worn out. He could not pull himself out of the water. The boat is now getting really close to the piles.

At this point - I had all I can take. So I tell the other 3 people in the boat to pull their buddy out NOW because the boat was going to hit the piles, and if the swimmer was pinned against the boat and the piles it could kill him. Death by drowning. At the very least, he could be seriously injured. Cut the bullshit and pull him out now.

So they did. And I put the boat in gear and powered away from the bridge again. Then I went by the beach and everyone jumped off and swam into shore. I got them into about 4 feet of water before they went in the water.

2 of them jumped in - HEADFIRST - before I could say they were only in 4 feet of water. The other two looked at me after I said the water was shallow - and dove in also.

Now at this point all I could do was wonder - maybe I should have left those guys in the water. I mean, morons are best at reproducing. They will be able to spread their defective DNA in the gene pool.

If you are going to be stupid, you have to be strong. Maybe I should have just allowed natural selection to do its thing?

War On Parking Meters

As you may know, I am waging a secret war on junk mail. What I do is open the junk mail and look for postage paid return envelopes. Then I rip everything up and stuff it in the return envelope, and send that back.

The junk mailer has to pay the postage both ways - and has nothing to show for it. I swear that if EVERYONE did this, junk mail would stop. Halt. Come to an end. So lets get to it here! All Americans need to start doing this. If the junk mail is not the kind with a a return envelop, mark "RETURN TO SENDER" on it and drop it back in the mail. Or call the phone number listed on the thing and say "your direct mail campaign FAILED. I will not buy any shit from you, or use your crappy service EVER. By the way I am also going to leave this phone number and address on 50 "get free crap" websites. Expect a whole lot of junk mail and junk calls".

The scourge of junk mail would simply end.

Anyway, I want to talk about my secret WAR ON PARKING METERS.

You see once I went out to get dinner at some salad place in Coral Gables. At the time a group of people would go every Sunday to dinner someplace. The people were radio people - so the food was radio people food. By the way, just so you all get the idea. These radio people were not broadcasters, just into radio as a hobby. When they would do public service events, and the orders for event t-shirts went in, it was assumed you would want a XXXL or XXL unless you said otherwise. Whatever that means.

For reasons that I do not care to get into (too depressing) the people went on a healthy living kick. So the weekly dinner was to be at a place in Coral Gables that is known for salads. I even remembered what I ordered that day - a salad with balsamic vinegar dressing. Now other people were getting salads then smothering them with evil dressing - canceling out any healthy living benefits - but whatever. That is not important. I just thought it was amusing. If you are going to do the healthy living thing - you have to do it up madman style.

By the way - my experiment is going well. So far I am well over a week without animal products constituting the bilk of my diet. I have not gone 100% vegan, that is just insane. I might try it just to see how long I can deal with it. This is what the experiment is by the way - to see how long I can keep this up. Today for dinner I had some rice with a tomato based mixed vegetable sauce, some chicken (like I said, primarily vegetable based - not 100% totally vegetable based), and a side salad with vinegar and olive oil dressing. Pretty good.

Now where was I? Oh yea. The parking meter.

It was Easter Sunday when everyone went to the dinner. For some reason, the area was packed. It is a popular hip area where Coral Gables meets the SHITTY of South Miami. Coral Gables has free parking on Sunday. The SHITTY of South Miami does not. The place everyone was going to is on the Coral Gables side of Sunset Drive, but all those spots were filled. So I parked across the street - on the SHITTY of South Miami side.

There were not many open spots on the SHITTY of South Miami side. But I found one. I parked there. And then I put a quarter in the meter. NOTHING happened. The meter was not working. It took my quarter (two quarters really) but would not give me any time. There were no other parking spots in view. I looked.

So I just go in to the place. I was running late and did not have time to drive all over the place looking for another spot. I had already done this - and there were none. Plus it was Easter Sunday night.

And of course, when I get out of the place, the guy is there giving me a ticket. I point out that the meter is not functioning. He says "I know, it has not been working for about a week". OH REALLY! And when did the Shitty of South Miami intend to fix the meter? Huh? I mean, why fix it when you can hand out a $15 ticket per car as opposed to just getting a buck and a half or so per car?

So I go to South Miami Shitty Hall. They say there is nothing that can be done. I had to pay. I asked about the broken meter (which they knew about) and they said I should have found another space. But there were no other spaces. Not their problem! Not at all! My problem.

So I paid the ticket. What else could I do?

But I thought up a way to get even. There is this stuff you get for boats called "Marine -Tex". It is a two part epoxy. Part one is this paste, part two is a liquid hardener. The paste will not cure unless it is mixed with the hardener. When it cures, it is like fiberglass. It is chemical resistant, heat and cold resistant - and pretty good stuff really. I use it to fill in small holes and cracks in the fiberglass.

Anyway I though up this plan. Why not mix some Marine-Tex up and put it in the parking meter locks? I could still put the quarters in the meter so I would not get a ticket. But once the stuff hardened the meter can not be opened with a key. So the money could NOT be taken out of it. Not without drilling out the lock anyway. People could park there and not get tickets, but just TRY to get the money out of the meter. Go on, try it! Try to get that money! Can't open the meter? Why isn't that sad?

No, it is not sad. Sad is knowing that some parking meters do not work, but NOT FIXING THE THINGS because it is more profitable to just give out parking tickets.

Not saying I did this. For that would be "vandalism" and is probably against the law. I would never knowing and willingly break the law. Unless it is for an illegal lane change, or unlawful speed outside of a school zone. I would never speed in a school zone, for that is just stupid crazy dangerous. Kids are around! And a lot of kids are very dumb and could run out in the street.

So I probably did not do this. I just thought of it. And you can think about it too. I would not recommend doing this, for it would be illegal and I do not advocate illegal acts. But there is nothing wrong with thinking about it! Thinking is not illegal.

OK OK - I did not do that. But I did think about it. I was just too chicken to go through with the plan. I was upset with myself over this. They deserved to have that thing tampered with so that they could not remove the money without drilling the lock out. It was broken and in need of repair anyway.

Oh yea, I have a typing impediment. This is why when I try to type "city" it often comes out as "shitty". I am in typing therapy to fix this problem now. So no making fun of me. I am very sensitive about my typing impediment. The SHITTY of South Miami probably understands this.

By the way, I drive a yellow 2004 Ford Mustang GT convertible, just in case anyone reading this is an evil minion for the SHITTY of South Miami.

The new meters have a solar panel on them. You can pay with cash or a charge card. A receipt prints out and you place that inside your car so it is visible through the windshield.

I am wondering - what happens if someone takes a piece of cardboard and covers the solar panel up?

Paying My Fines

Paperwork day is here! This will be a fun day. I get to sign the offer letter. I also have to apply for a work ID. Work IDs are very popular these days. And this work location is pretty serious about the whole ID thing. I can dig that. Security is important.

And so, I guess it is probably a good idea to pay my court fine for the illegal lane change ticket! I have not done this yet. I will have to pay an extra $18 late fee. I was going to use the fine as leverage, but this is not going to be needed anymore. Here is what I envisioned.

COURTS - Dude, you owe us $130-something. When are you going to pay?
ME - I would be happy to pay, but you see my employment situation currently sucks. I do not think I have that kind of flow.
COURTS - I see. Do you need to go on the payment plan?
ME - maybe I do! I have $5 I can pay now. The rest.....I don't know. I do not drink cheap beer so I have to have money for that.
COURTS - For $130 something bucks, you have to go on the payment plan?
ME - Not unless you know of any jobs that I would like to get. You know, something I really want to do. Maybe something relating to.....I don't know.....maybe working for the Department of Environmental Resource Management? I noticed that department has boats. I know how to operate a boat. So how about it - you order DERM to give me a job that puts me out on Biscayne Bay in one of their boats, and I will be more than happy to pay my court costs in full. Plus the late fee. Otherwise, I have $5 I can pay now and the rest you will get in weekly installments of 50 cents, which I will pay in pennies which I have not wrapped so someone will have to count them.

And then I would be in jail. But they would not get their money!

But really, I need to pay up already. The ID application probably means some manner of background check. So no point in uncovering the fact I owe the County Courts a Franklin, a Jackson, a Hamilton, a Lincoln, and 4 Washingtons. Might as well get that out of the way. The courts take credit card (visa and master card only) payments over the internet now. This makes it easy to pay your fines.

OK - fine is paid. I still need to run my license plate through the system to check for parking tickets. You see, there is a parking ticket trick. Here is how it works. Lets say you know you are going to illegally park. How do you not get a ticket?

Simple. Find some other person who got a ticket. Then steal their ticket off their windshield. Now put the ticket on your car.

The parking enforcement people come along on their GAY three wheel motorcycle and......see you already have a ticket. Serves you right you law breaker! So they move on, see the other guy you stole the ticket from - and issue them another one.

Now on Columbus Day I technically illegally parked. I totally forgot to pay the boat ramp fee. OOPS! But when I got back after the weekend I did not have a ticket. So I either got lucky, or someone took my ticket so they could park for free. I have to check that one.

This is why EVERYONE needs to go through background checks every so often, just for fun. They motivate you to pay all your fines. They also motivate you to not curse out loud in your home. Because THIS CAN HAPPEN if you say bad words in your own home. Really, if saying "shit" in your bathroom is an arrestable offense we are all in trouble.

Skipper the cat has decided that it is fun to jump up on shelves and knock stuff over. He also thinks that the proper place for a cat to be is on the table. You have to guard your food. You can not leave any food out - you have to hide it in the oven or microwave.

So I bought a 32 ounce squirt bottle. Skipper hates water more than any cat I can ever remember having. So now when he is being a pain in the ass, he gets squirted. No warnings. Right now he is being good. I wonder why? He better not decide that it is fun to knock stuff over after I am sleeping, because I have the bottle in reach. It is right next to me. And it is full.

Paperwork Day Cometh.

T minus one day. Friday is paperwork day! The good kind of paperwork. The kind of paperwork that signals a return to normal.

See right now I am underway, just not making way. I am like a vessel not under command. Red over red on the masthead lights.

However, all this is about to change. After paperwork day I will be making way again. This is good, for the current situation is not very optimal. But all this is ending, with paperwork day.

New things will begin. And here is the best part - I will be able to predict with great accuracy how much money I get every other week! I will have regular hours like a normal person, and from one day to the next I will know what is going on. I will like this.

So it is time to move on. Go with the flow. Let the wind blow where it wants to. See where the road goes. And so on.

I am really happy about all this. I really want to get paperwork day over with right now! I do not want to wait for Friday. I want to get in the vehicle, go to the designated paperwork filling out location, and get this ball rolling!

The process will be a lot of fun. I get to get fingerprinted! I am an expert at being printed. Every "real" job I have had required fingerprints. In fact, this is how I define what a "real" job is. If you did not have to be fingerprinted for your job - it is not a real job.

I think at this point everyone is laughing at the agencies who do not have my prints, because they are so far out of the loop. The other agencies point and laugh and say "look at the Bureau of Indian Affairs! What a bunch of losers! They do not even have Lazy's prints on file!! They have no idea how useless and outdated they are! Let's pretend we are going to invite them to the grown ups table, then say the invitation must have been lost in the mail!".

So yea, I am looking forward; with great excitement, to getting the process completed and going back to fighting morning and afternoon rush hour traffic. I miss that.

Saturday there is going to be a kayak race. I will be out on the water providing communications, logistics, and support for the event. The race benefits the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation of South Florida. I will not be in my kayak, I will be in the 19 footer. Should someone taking part in the event require assistance I will be there in my boat to give em a hand.

Most likely all I will be doing is the communication role. I am assigned to one leg of the event, and I will patrol the area. I will periodically report what I see. If someone is in trouble, I will be there to render aid and call for help if need be.

Ideal Gas Law

PV=nRT. This is the ideal gas law. What is says is that pressure x volume = the number of particles x the ideal gas constant x temperature.

Or more simply, pressure, volume, and temperature are all linked. Lower the pressure of a gas but hold the volume constant and the temperature will drop. Raise the pressure and the temperature will increase. Lower the volume and the pressure has to go up. Add more gas and the pressure and/or volume has to increase.

Fairly straight forward. Nothing too complicated. Well at least nothing too complicated compared to all the other crap you have to learn in chemistry class.

Anyway my temperature is a lot lower now, because pressure suddenly dropped. This is what I am getting at. Sort of. Things were offered. Things were accepted. The world continues to rotate. The sun will rise in the morning. School buses will be on the roads. And so on.

But it is really nice to have the lower pressure. And less stress. Things are good again. No more moving sideways. I feel like having a beer. I went out and got myself some celebratory Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. I really like that stuff. One of these days I will go to 1075 East 20th Street, Chico Califirnia, 95928. This is just north of Sacramento.

This is what the bottle looks like. If you like beer, do yourself a favor. Look for this stuff. Trust me here.

I will miss my night shift lifestyle. But I will get over it quickly.

Healthy Living Part XXVII

Yup - it is that time again! Time I think to myself "I wonder how long I can go on a healthy living kick". This is always a fun time. How long can I do it? Who knows. Last time I tried this I cut down on my soda intake by a large factor.

So this time the challenge is how long can I go with a primarily vegetable based diet? So far it has been 5 or 6 days. Now I have not had a pure vegetable based diet for all these days. There was a little animal based protein here and there. Just not a lot.

Really this is working out pretty good. Or at least not bad. Tonight I made myself some fried rice. I whipped up some brown whole grain rice. While the rice was cooking, I put some collard greens from a can on another burner. I really like spinach better - but the greens were not horrible.

Anyway I also busted out with a large frying pan and put some wok oil and sesame oil (for flavor) in it. Then I threw in a bunch of stuff - water chestnuts (I love those things for some reason), bamboo shoots, hearts of palm, a yellow squash, mushrooms, green beans, and diced onions - into the frying pan. About 5 or 10 minutes before the rice was going to be done I kicked on the heat.

Now after all the crap in the frying pan is sizzling up nice for 5 or 10 minutes, just add the rice, some teriyaki sauce, a little soy sauce - and what the hell, sake if you have any. I did not. But it would be good. Maybe next time I will cook the rice in a sake / water mixture? That could be interesting. Ill have to think about that.

Anyway once the rice is dumped in you just push it around the frying pan with a spatula or whatever you have handy. Mix it all up really good. It only takes a few minutes to "fry" the rice.

And that is it. I have to say the concoction came out pretty good. I surprised myself. It needs a bit of tweaking I think. Ill figure out some slight improvements.

Total prep time is about 45 minutes - but most of that time is involved with the rice. That shit takes a long time to cook. If you cut out the time cooking the rice (pretty much doing nothing) then you are actually only looking at 10 or 12 minutes of actually doing something. So really this is super easy to whip up.

But how long can I keep this up? Who knows. Maybe a while. Maybe I will get tired of it sooner. Nobody knows.

If I come up with any more concoctions that are actually good Ill pass em along here.

Almost Forgot The Title

Welcome to a whole new week. I guess. Maybe the new week that starts today will suck. Maybe it will be great. Maybe it will just be OK. Either way, there is NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAAH!

That is my evil menacing laugh by the way. Work with me here.

It promises to be an exciting week for me. I shall sit, much like a bird in the wilderness.

That reminds me of my bird and rabbit joke / parable.

A long time ago, yet sometime in the future, there is this rabbit living in the woods. The rabbit is busy doing all the things a rabbit does - mostly related to eating and reproducing. Anyhow the rabbit happens to look up, and sitting on a tall branch of a tree is a crow. The rabbit says to the crow "hey dude, what the hell are you doing?". The crow replies "nothing much. Just chilling out up here. Taking in the view. Relaxing. You know, the usual."

Now this confuses the rabbit, who has never heard of such a thing. So the rabbit says to the crow "how do you do these things you speak of? How can I relax and do nothing like you?".

So the crow says "EASY! Just chill out. Right there at the base of the tree. Just kick back man".

So the rabbit does just that. He flips over on his rabbit back, kicks back, and proceeds to chill out. And as soon as he does this, a bear rushes out of the woods and eats the rabbit.

The moral to the story is you have to be high up to sit around and do nothing all day.

But none of this has anything to do with me. I just wanted to share the parable of the rabbit and crow. I may have already shared this parable however. I can not remember. I think I may have left it as a comment? Who knows. I don't.

Anyhow, I can not remember what the heck I was going to really post about. I got all distracted and shit. So I will end with this!

TWELVE SIGNS YOU ARE IN DEEP SHIT. Well not really "deep shit". That could be a little bit harsh. I am probably just about to get burned again. But what the hell. It will be nice to have someone to go places and do stuff with. Like the food and wine festival at Epcot Center. I would kind of like to go to that. And then there is the fast cat to the keys. That could be fun. But I also want to go to the Dry Tortuga National Park 75 miles west of Key West. You can only get there by boat or float plane. I would like to do the float plane thing. Maybe the float plane out there and the boat back? I would have to find out how that works.

Problem is I do not think she is really into the whole "great outdoors" thing. She requires hot water and AC - unless it is already cold. So the camping in the Dry Tortugas is probably out. There is nothing there - not even water. You have to take everything you will need with you. So that is probably out. Whatever.

Anyway - not for the signs! Enjoy. This may or may not have been one of those dopey chain email things, but I do not remember getting it that way. I found these signs posted on the web. You can make them a dopey chain email that will infest the in boxes of millions of email accounts if you wish.

Twelve: You yearn to smell their skin.
Eleven: You walk really slowly when you're with them.
Ten: You feel shy whenever they're around.
Nine: You smile when you hear their voice.
Eight: When you look at them,you can't see the other people around you, you
just see him/her.
Six: They're all you think about.
Five: You realize you're always smiling when you're looking at them.
Four: You would do anything for them, just to see them.
Three: While reading this, there was one person on your mind this whole time.
Two: You were so busy thinking about that person, you didn't notice seven was missing.
One: You just scrolled up to check and are now silently laughing at yourself.

More Coconuts

So, it seems nobody shares my enthusiasm over the coconut tree actually producing coconuts. Fine. I know you all secretly envy me and my tree. While most of you are all freezing under several feet of snow in another month or so, I will have a tree producing actual tropical fruit growing in the yard.

But you know what? I do not like coconuts that much. Yea they are OK - but not great. What the hell am I going to do when the tree produces a crop of coconuts? Ill have like 20 of the things. And then there is the problem of them being hard to crack open. Ill have to use the hatchet. I have one of those around here somewhere. Ill have to find it. I have to remember to use a screwdriver and a hammer to make a hole and drain the coconut milk out first.

Well thats about it for today. I got little else. Nothing exciting going on over here really.

New Schedule

So you may have noticed that more and more posts are happening when the sun is up!

I have no idea why this is. Just time for a change, that is all. Changes be blowin in the wind. Or is it answers? Well my friends, something is blowing in the wind. Something is blowing in the wind.

Mostly dust. But that is a whole other song. We are not talking about Kansas today.

In other news, like 10 years ago I found a coconut laying on the ground. It was sprouting a green shoot, and a root. But it was not attached to the ground yet. So I picked it up, took it home, and placed it in the yard.

It grew. SLOWLY. And now, FINALLY, after all this time and all the care I gave to the tree, there are little baby coconuts growing on it. I am my own coconut farmer now. No more buying coconuts at the store for me! I grow my own! Organic man.

By the way, I gave no special care to the thing. I just put a coconut in the yard and watered it. That is it. See, coconuts grow here naturally, so you do not have to do anything to get them to grow. Just plant and forget. You do not even have to dig a hole! Coconut trees are perfect for lazy farmers who do not mind waiting a very long time for a small harvest.

I want to plant banana trees next. They are not native to Florida, but they grow here OK. It sometimes gets too cold in the winter, but for the most part they do OK here. Not great - there will never be any commercial banana plantations here, but for backyard farmers bananas are a possibility. I like bananas. So I may plant some of those.

Then I can make coconut / banana creme pie. Or some wicked Pina Colodas.

I may also look into what else I can grow here. Or attempt to grow here. I do not want to put much effort into the project. What I need are things I can just plant and forget about - then harvest stuff later. I do not want to have to spray, fertilize, or water.

Not Faked

First off, let me assure everyone that the elephant video is not faked. That actually did happen to someone. I would imagine elephants are a lot like people in one way - when something goes up there the natural reaction is to "clench up". So the guy is lucky to have gotten out of there. And I bet he shaved his head after the event. There would not be enough shampoo on the planet for me.

But I do not want to talk about 100% real You Tube videos today. That was yesterday's post.

But I do not have anything good for today. All I got today is crap. The computer wants to restart itself, because there was some kind of Windows update. Don't you just love that? This window keeps popping up saying "the computer will restart in 5 minutes unless you click the later button". So I click "later". And then it just pops up again later. Ill restart the computer when I am done using it OK Windows XP Version Service Pack 2 countless other updates! Got it! When I feel like it! Shit.

Some asshole left propaganda on my truck. It is for a car dealer. A Buick dealer. So what I did was to collect a bunch of them. A lot of people were just throwing them on the floor. So I picked them up, and collected some off other cars. And now I will deface them so they can not be used again (including the business card attached) and then mail them all back to the address on the card. And I may even attach a note saying "your dumb ass just wasted your time distributing all this stuff. In the future please place litter in the proper place - the trash can. Even if I was planning on buying a new car soon rest assured it would NOT be a Buick. And even if I were in the market for a Buick this using my car as a place to dump your litter bullshit would guarantee I would never buy from this dealership. Seriously, I would rather hitchhike and accept a ride from some guy wearing a hockey mask and brandishing an axe than buy a car from you people".

Is it too much to ask to just park somewhere and NOT have some asshole cover your car with advertisements? It seems like I can not even take a dump without having to be exposed to some manner of advertising.

I may get something that will knock my socks off in the mail. Ill include a photo if this happens.

HINT - nothing knocks my socks off like a few bricks of solid pure gold.

Bad Day

So, you think you are having a bad day huh? Well check out this.


Now this is what I call a BAD DAY. As if having to clean up after elephants is not bad enough - but then having your head stuck up there?!?!?!? Maybe this is why the local zoo can't seem to fill the job opening for "elephant zoo keeper". Too many people have seen that video.

That and the minimum requirements of the job were insane. The County Zoo wanted candidates to have three years experience working with elephants, a minimum of an 8th grade education, and they only wanted to pay in the low $20,000 a year range. Now with the cost of living being what it is in Miami-Dade County, you would be better off driving a school bus because that pays about the same, you get the summer off, and you never get your head stuck up an elephants ass.

I do not think that job will ever get filled.

Stuff I Forgot About

I forgot to mention something about the boat adventure.

The boat ramp fee is $10 per day. But I forgot to pay. It was late when I launched, and I was trying to beat some weather. So I just launched the boat and then parked the trailer. And I forgot to pay. OOPS! I remembered I forgot to pay after I was already at anchor.

And I did not get a parking ticket. HA! So here is what I decided. The ramp fee is $10. A parking ticket is $15. So why not gamble a little? If I get a ticket 50% of the time, I am still saving money. The use of the ramp twice would be $20. If I do not pay the fee and only get a ticket 50% of the time, then I would have to pay $15 - a net savings of $5!

I was only tied up with one other boat. Other people were supposed to be there - but nobody showed up. Oh well. It is kind of hard to find people with that many boats out there. My open boat scared people I know away. I had invited someone out for the weekend, but the lack of a flushing toilet and proper shower facilities was the deal breaker for her. I can kind of understand that. Camping on an open boat for 2 nights is not exactly the best thing. I could hack it because I just can. But a cuddy cabin boat is a much nicer weekender boat than my open boat. The enclosure will help with this a little. I even thought up a way to build a sleeping platform in the front of the boat out of plastic plywood. Whatever I construct will have to be stowable when not in use.

Wet Foot Dry Foot Policy

My feet are dry again. Both of em.

It was a wild and crazy weekend! I got to the boat ramp at 11:50 PM Friday. I got a little bit of a late start. There is a food place / bar at the marina, but the kitchen was closed by the time I got there. Too bad for me. The bar was still open. Only a drunken idiot would have headed out that night anyway.

See the weather was iffy. There was a high pressure to the north, and a low pressure to the south. When you are sandwiched between a high and low the winds are strong. I had a wind gauge thingie and it was reading 15 mph. And then I stopped using it because I did not care.

And of course, I got a little bit rained on launching the boat. No big deal. It made everything more fun. But the rain stopped by the time I was ready to leave. Maybe 3 minutes of rain - about 1 minute of the time it was raining hard. I had about another 30 seconds of rain while in the marina channel.

That is how the rain was for me all weekend. On and off. Short bursts. This happens in South Florida

When I got to the anchorage where the party is, there were already a bunch of boats there. I was actually a little surprised by this.

The party seemed to be a little muted this year. The weather reports were bad. And I got spy reports that it rained a lot in town. I could see some of these showers. They stayed on land. Mostly. The winds were around however, and that did create some bay chop. But a lot of people got out anyway. At least 2,000 boats by my rough estimation. And that is a low ball figure.

Saturday I was already there when I woke up. I was anchored a little bit away from the actual madness. Last time I was out there some drunken idiot ran over my anchor line. This year a police boat ran over my anchor line. But the cop shut his engines off before any damage could be done to my anchor line. Too bad, I would have got a new stainless steel anchor out of the deal. The cops would have either had to write up a report that THEY cut my 300 feet of premium anchor line (I really only have 100 feet) and as a result I lost my solid stainless steel anchor (I actually have a galvanized steel anchor) and my 20 feet of stainless steel anchor chain (I really only have 10 feet of galvanized steel chain) OR one of the cops would have had to go swimming for my stuff. That would have been funny.

I still can't believe the cop boat got that close to my bow.

After that incident, I weighed down my anchor line with a 10 pound dumbbell. I had done this before, but it came loose. The weight causes the anchor line to hang at a very steep angle off the bow. This way when the bacon boats come too close to my bow, they float OVER my line, not into it. Pretty cool.

I had the kayak, so that is how I got into the thick of the madness. The kayak is good like that. The only problem is that with the foot pedal things it has no reverse. So you have to be careful so you do not have a need to go in reverse. And you have to watch out for large boats that could run you over.

I got rained on Saturday night trying to sleep on my open boat. So I would have to get up and go to the other boat I was tied up with and hide from the rain. And then it would stop so I would go back to my boat where I could sleep better, and then it would rain again and so I would have to get up and go hide on the other boat again. This happened three times. The rain showers were never very long. Only a few minutes. It did keep waking me up.

I stayed out longer than I thought I was going to on Sunday. I thought I would be back at the ramp in the early afternoon. But as it turned out, I was back in the late afternoon. 2 full days and 2 nights on the boat. It rained like hell after I got the boat out of the water. Like I said, the rain stated on the land. It was actually nice out on the water.

I had a beer tragedy. When I left the floating party, I could see the rain. I knew it was going to be a race to the finish line. So I hauled ass across the bay at wide open throttle most of the way. Full speed ahead. I beat the rain (it hit after I was out of the water), but the cooler in the back of the boat had a rough ride. When I opened the cooler to get some water for the drive home, I could see that some beer had leaked out of one of the bottles. I guess the ride across the bay caused the bottles to bounce around a bit.

Well as it turned out - all the beer I had left was mostly out of the bottles. But the caps were still on and none of the bottles were broken. It was a Bermuda Triangle mystery. How did the beer get OUT of the bottles without the caps being removed? I do not think this mystery will ever get solved.

At home while washing the boat down, the Bimini top gave put. One of the support poles just broke. It seems there was some corrosion going on I was not aware of. That or metal fatigue. But at least it fell apart at home AFTER the weekend and not on Friday night. I can fix the top. All I need is piece of aluminum pipe of proper diameter. I can cut it to the required length. I should also check the other supports.

I Am The REAL Decider

And I have decidered to launch the boat today. So I am out of here. I will go and be the commander guy on the 19 foot power cat, bravely braving the winds and possible rain showers.

The sea, she be a harsh mistress.

Photos and possible You Tube videos when (if) I return. Skipper is going to stay here. He HATES water. And there will be a whole lot of water where I am going.

UPDATE! The forecast improved a little. It is now only a 30% chance of rain - but the wind forecast is holding. There is a small craft advisory out right now. Skipper REALLY REALLY does not want to go.

I have all my supplies. 18 beers (12 Sam Adams Boston Lager, 6 Sierra Nevada Pale Ale), and some food. I think that will about cover my needs. I think. I may stop at ye ole booze depot for a bottle of rum.

I can not locate the digital camera. If I find it I will bring it.

The Gods Must Be Crazy

So today I was hanging out in my backyard, when a glass Coke bottle fell from the sky. Clearly, a gift from the Gods. The bottle was useful for many things. But then people in my village started to fight over who got to use it. So I was selected to give it back to the Gods, because I was the one who found it.

Or did the bottle hit me in the head and I imagined all the other stuff? Or maybe I just saw it in a movie, and I have problems telling the difference in reality and movies? Something. Or I might have just made it all up!

The weather is looking bad for the weekend.

Friday:
NORTHEAST WINDS 5 TO 10 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A LIGHT CHOP.
NUMEROUS SHOWERS AND SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS.

Friday night:
EAST WINDS 5 TO 10 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A LIGHT CHOP.
NUMEROUS SHOWERS AND SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS.

Saturday:
EAST WINDS 10 TO 15 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A MODERATE CHOP.
NUMEROUS SHOWERS AND SCATTERED THUNDERSTORMS.

Saturday night:
EAST WINDS 10 TO 15 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A MODERATE
CHOP. SCATTERED SHOWERS AND THUNDERSTORMS.

Sunday:
EAST WINDS AROUND 15 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A MODERATE CHOP.
SCATTERED SHOWERS AND THUNDERSTORMS.

Weather Underground says 60% chance of rain Friday, 50% - 60% chance of showers Saturday, and 50% chance of showers Sunday. Some of these showers could be thunder storms.

So the boat mission may just be scrubbed. I will have to consult with friends and find out who is really going to go. It will be windy, choppy, and it is likely that it will rain. Not a very good outlook. I may just go out Saturday. Ill have to play the wait and see game. The weather report could change, there is an unstable low pressure near Florida right now. The area of low pressure goes from looking rather dry, to building up some rain clouds, and then back to dry. A hurricane hunter flight into the zone was canceled today because satellite images show it is not really doing anything.

But meanwhile, preparations to set sail continue. I will pack a tarp or two on board just in case I need them. It could be interesting to say the least.

Zero Hour Approaches

But first, a quick "how to" thing for Teri. To get your own cool as hell music playlist thing, just go to www.projectplaylist.com and register for an account. Then build a playlist. Then generate the HTML code for Blogger. Cut and paste into the template. I made a slight modification by changing the "width" tags to 225 and the "height" to 270. This way it fits in the sidebar.

To add or remove songs, just edit your playlist on projectplaylist.com. No need to further edit the code on your blog.

Before I save any changes, I always do a blog preview. And I only change one thing at a time.

Anyway - enough of that. Teri, if you need more help with this drop an email or leave a comment. I think I have my email posted somewhere on the blog.

Now for zero hour! Columbus Day is almost here. Now I know - most of you are thinking "what the hell is it with Columbus Day anyway? I do not even get the day off!". I agree - it is not a major holiday. Most people only know it as footnote on a calendar. Like Flag Day.

But here in Miami - to the boating community - Columbus Day is a massive legendary floating party. I plan to be there. I have not made all the plans yet, but I might play "beat the idiots" and head out Friday afternoon. This way Saturday morning I am already anchored up, and I will not have to fight the lines and craziness at the boat ramp. But then again - this could make ME the idiot. Two nights on the boat? That is a lot of nights. I have an open boat after all.

I know someone from out of town that is going to be in Miami Friday with a boat. We can raft up together. The other boat has a cabin with a toilet that flushes. So it would not be so bad. Then Saturday I know more people who will be out there in boats. I can distribute GPS coordinates to them and then maybe I can get a group of 5 boats to raft up.

But what the hell is Columbus Day anyway? He gets all the credit for "discovering" the New World. A virgin, pristine land - undiscovered. EXCEPT for the people that were already here when Columbus arrived. But they do not count. Because the people that actually discovered the New World lacked three important things.

1. Steel / iron.
2. Gun powder.
3. Cannons.

But some of them did have gold, silver, and jewels. This was probably not so good for them. It attracted a lot of attention from the people with iron, gun powder, and cannon. But even the people that did not have gold kind of got the short end of the stick I suppose. But that was long ago.

Yet, Columbus still gets his day. Whatever.

All it really means is a good excuse for a massive floating party.

The boat is ready. The floor lockers are in place. The rod holder insets are back in place. The wash down pump is installed. And I washed all the dirt and fiberglass powder and stuff that got in the boat from the projects. So everything is ready to roll. Or is it ready to float? Both actually. The boat has to be trailered to the water before it can float.

The big question now is when will I splash the boat? Friday afternoon (less action at the ramp) or early Saturday morning (in a feeble attempt to beat most of the people that will be using the ramps). The public ramps close every year - they always reach capacity.

Rocking A Boat And Something About A Still Pond And Trees And a Forest And Stuff.

As you know from my Tuesday post, yesterday was interview day. Lots of pressure. But I can deal with pressure. I arrived early and had a Starbucks Vanilla Latte. It was good once it cooled off. I think the boiling milk actually cooled down the coffee about 50 degrees.

I meditated on a few universal truths before I went into the room.

1. The rocking boat disturbs the stillness of the pond
2. No matter what you do, the sun will rise in the east and set in the west
3. The tree never grows where the forest does not want it to.

So what does all this mean? Whatever you want it to mean.

But first.....speaking of forests - I have my very own personal online forest. You can see it here.

http://iguanaforest.act4trees.com/

Click there and add a leaf to my forest. Oh yea there is something about once all the forests total a certain number of leaves some company will buy up a bunch of rain forest and not cut down any of the trees. Or something like that. I only have a paltry 24 leaves. So visit it daily! Bookmark it! Each click means one more leaf. Of all the forests created I am number 108,000 something. Pretty pathetic.

You can also visit:
http://forestocheez.act4trees.com/
This forest currently has 50 leaves.

And now back to my meandering thoughts.

The rocking boat disturbs the stillness of the pond. A still pond is a peaceful pond. If you get in it and start rocking your boat - all you do is create waves. So do not create waves! Pretty simple. Go with the questions. Give the best, most honest answers you can. Do not get into any arguments with anyone on the panel. Listen to everything everyone says to you. Ask questions as needed, but listen well first. Think for a moment before you speak. Try to keep the pond as still as possible. In doing so, you keep yourself as calm as possible. Speaking for myself, this helps me think clearer.

No matter what you do, the sun will rise in the east and set in the west. Ain't this the truth! There is a lot that a person can do. But in the end, nobody can stop the Earth from rotating. Regardless of what happens in the room the sun will set, and rise the next day. There is no point in getting yourself all worked up and stressed out. A calm demeanor is ALWAYS better than a frantic, nervous demeanor. Kind of ties into the boat on the still water thing.

The tree never grows where the forest does not want it to. Ever see a forest that has a clear border? Like some sort of invisible line where there are trees on one side and no trees on the other?

Kind of like in the above photo. Trees growing in some places, and not others. So why not? Clearly, the forest does not want trees in the empty spaces. So grass grows there instead. Unless you have a better theory. The forest allows trees to grow where the forest wants trees to be. So if the panel (the forest) wants to select me (the tree) it will. The tree does not decide on its own where to grow.

So there. The process is now done. I did what I had to, and the rest is history now.

Of course everyone I know keeps asking the same question.

So, did you get the job?

And to them I say "does the sky have the clouds, or do the clouds have the sky?". Then they look at me like I am smoking the pot.

I do not know who was selected. These things do not work that way. You have to go home and wait for the phone to ring. You almost never know right there that you were selected. People have to confer and discuss things. This takes time. One person on the panel might like one candidate, while another person likes someone else. A consensus must be reached. And so on. These kinds of decisions are made only after careful consideration. So do I know? Nope. I just have to wait for ye old phone to make noise.

All you can do is make your best attempt, and then let the chips fall where they may. But I do feel good about the whole process. Not many people were there. The one guy I noticed the most was on his phone complaining to someone that the process was running late. And he kept moving from one seat to another. And he tried to cut in front of the person ahead of him by asking the person fetcher "am I next or is this guy (someone else not me) ahead of me" and then mentioned something about a dentist appointment, as if that would get him in faster. He was disturbing the stillness of the pond by rocking the boat. I was meditating on the universal truths while reading a two day old newspaper. And not rocking anything.

The Waiting Game Begins

I love job interview day. You get to get up at a normal hour and put on a suit and then drive somewhere and get stuck in the normal morning rush hour traffic with other normal people going to normal jobs. And you fit in with all the normal people. If anyone looks at you they think "hey here is this guy going to work! Just like me! Only his suit is better than mine".

Usually if I am in morning rush hour traffic I do not fit in. Not in the slightest. Because while all the scary normal people are heading off to work, I am going home. So I am driving against the flow of traffic. And while everyone else is in business attire I am wearing whatever I was wearing when I left the house the day before at 9 or 10 PM. Sometimes later. And while everyone else is drinking coffee and eating breakfast, I want a beer and dinner. In no way what so ever is this "fitting in".

So today was cool. I got to fit in. For once. EVERYONE just wants to fit in.

Oh yea! I almost forgot about my favorite way to piss people off in morning rush hour traffic! I loved doing this at the last "normal" job when I worked mostly when the sun was up but had weekdays off.

At least once a month I would use the boat. It was so much fun to hitch the boat up at 7 AM and saunter off into morning work traffic. All the people stressed out because they had to go to work, and here I am, some asshole towing a boat. Clearly NOT going to work. I would even load up fishing poles in the rod holders even if I was not going to go fishing. Just to rub it in. Am I in a hurry? NOPE! Not at all. I have a boat in tow. I know the ramps are not going to have anyone at them. Oh those were the days! Oh how the people hated me.

MENTAL NOTE TO MYSELF! Remember to get a bumper sticker for the boat that says "keep working, people on welfare and unemployment depend on you". That would so rule. I might even get shot at.

What was I saying again? OH YEA! Job interview day. I think I did OK. There were not many people there to be interviewed, so hey at least I made the short list. This is positive. I think I gave good answers - so that is positive. A positive times a positive equals another positive. There are three positives right there!

So now, I wait. And watch the minute hand on the clock ever so slowly tick by. I marvel at just how long it takes for the hour hand to go around once. And I keep the phone close by, waiting for it to make some manner of noise. Tick....tick....tick.....tick....CHIGGER....tick....mite....bedbug....

It seems I have parasites. 4 ticks, a chigger, another tick, a mite, and a bedbug. How about that? Good thing I have pet flea shampoo handy.

On Sunburn

Some people seem to be concerned about sunburn on Columbus Day. And I can see why this could be a problem for some people. If you get drunk and nude and pass out in the sun for an hour or so it could get really ugly.

But there ARE some people with no tan lines. And for them it may not be as big of a problem. A little SPF 6 or 8 and they are good to do.

And then there are the rest of us. Those people with parts that have never seen the light of day. For people like that, there is not enough SPF in the world.

And what if those parts that never see the light of the sun get sunburn? That would be terrible. I got the top of my feet sunburned once and that was pretty bad. It hurt to wear shoes and walk. And then there was the cruise I took last summer where I decided that it was a good idea to hang out on the deck in the sun without a shirt or sunblock. I was in pain for a good 2 or 3 days after that.

So I can only imagine what would happen if I got other parts burned. Talk about hurting when you pee. And how would number 2 work? Probably not very well. And then there is the problem experienced when a hot chick walks by. That could REALLY hurt.

So I will be wearing extra pants, just to make sure. And Bullfrog Surfer Formula sunblock. I like that stuff. It is not all oily and greasy and does not stink like a pineapple or coconut or some other tropical fruit. Really good stuff.

And parts that have never seen the sun shall continue to not see the sun. I think this will be for the best. I think that it would be dreadful to get a first degree burn there. Or there. Or on that. Simply not going to happen.

Speaking of water, lets say you go swimming at he gym and some grouchy old lady gets in your way because she will not stay in the "walking in the pool" lane and gets into the "slow swimming" lane. Well maybe this will give you an idea.



If you see any brown sharks during Columbus Day , it is critical you keep them away from your boat hull. Or pull up the anchor and move somewhere else. Once you verify that it is NOT really a candy bar floating in the water. I call "NOT IT" for that task. So someone else has to verify that the brown sharks are in fact not really candy bars. NOT IT!

I hope this post lived up to everyone's expectations.