I-Don't Give A Shit

What the hell is wrong with people? Seriously. You want to know what the biggest problem with America (and western society in general) is? Gay marriage? Abortions? Cuss words on the TV? BOOBS on the TV?!?!? Internet porn? The general lack of values? Not enough people going to church?

No. None of that is a problem. So what is the problem?

People Morons Idiots Fucking moron idiots with no life standing in line, for DAYS, to buy a $500 phone. A PHONE! Holy shit people it is just a PHONE! It will not revolutionize your pathetic life. It will not change your life. It will not do anything, except make a phone call. Your current phone can already do that.

Oh yea the new I-Phone can also be used as an internet browser, play MP3 files, play movie files, and what else? Thats it? Oh. I see.

People stood in like since Tuesday to get this thing. Tuesday! Which beings up an interesting question. How can some loser who has nothing better to do than stand in a fucking line for 4 days possibly have a job and be able to afford to plunk down $500 for a phone? Can they even afford the monthly cell phone bill? Who knows. But they will be the coolest person in the homeless shelter. Until they sell it to someone for $100 so they can buy bum wine.

So if you are a fool who thinks a phone can really make your life better, stick your head in a gas oven or something. You are just consuming resources, and you have nothing of value to return to society.

And no - you do not really need one. You probably already have a MP3 player. You do not need to access the internet while you are in the movie theater. And you probably already have a cell phone. So what is the point?

But yet - people are going nuts over this thing. People are packing Apple stores yelling and cheering as other morons take the black boxes away from the cash register.

I just do not get it. But I am pretty sure this is the reason why things are going down the tubes. This is the result in allowing public education to fall to unacceptable standards.

If I were a criminal, I would plan a robbery of an Apple store right before they close.

Don't Talk, Watch!

This is the BEST EVER movie intro. You know how they always put up some lame jingle to remind you the lobby sells over priced snacks and soda and shit? Oh yea they also play a reminder to all the morons that other people are there to watch a movie and might not want you to be talking or whatever? Well check out this intro!

Awesome huh? I thought so. This is perfect. They should play it before EVERY movie. Don't talk. watch! Perfect.

There is also some good advice about not pulling out your penis unless you really have to. Indecent exposure is a class 2 felony. According to the singing snacks anyway.

And now - MOVIE REVIEW! What is THE BEST zombie movie ever? I would vote for Shaun Of The Dead.

We all know the plot. Something crazy happens, and suddenly the streets are full of zombies that crave human flesh. Invariably some humans are not zombified and have to deal with the madness. And in all these movies, it seems that the only way to "kill" the undead is to smack em in the noggin with something.

So there you go. All this happens in Shaun Of The Dead. But it is more of a comedy than a "serious" zombie movie. As if you can have a "serious" zombie movie.

Shaun is something is a loser. But a loser with a hot looking girlfriend. Who dumps his lame ass. And slowly all around Shaun something screwy is going on. But Shaun does not seem to notice. And when he finally does notice Shaun decides to get his mother, rescue his ex-girlfriend, and then......go back to his flat. NO stay at his girlfriend's flat. NO go to the pub! Yea, the pub! Perfect.

Great zombie movie. Best one ever. Totally cool. 4 tail whips for this one. Not because it is "great" or deep or anything, but because it is a great take on the zombie movie genre.

I Am A Winner!

I am a winner. That means everyone else is a loser. To them I say HA HA! I won and you lost!

What did I win? Something. But first.....

MOVIE REVIEWS! "Sideways" and "Good Night And Good Luck".

Sideways - some goofy movie about two dudes who go off to the California wine country to taste a bunch of wine and get drunk. One of the two dudes is going to be married. So they go off on what has to be the MOST LAME bachelor party ever! Anyway a series of events happens to the dudes. It is a "comedy drama". The comedy part is OK in places, but pretty dry in others. Same for the drama part. The movie was watchable, but I gave it three (out of five) tail whips.

Good Night And Good Luck - a George Clooney film (he directed it or produced it or something) about Edward Murrow the CBS television news guy VS Senator Joe McCarthy who accused everyone of being a communist. Some actual historical footage was used in the film - but it is not exactly a documentary. So I guess it was a "docu-drama" thing? Is that what you would call it? Anyway the film was dry and just unimpressive. I could not seem to give a shit about any of it. 2.5 tail whips.

Now back to me being a winner!

A few weeks ago I went to a TGI Friday's for dinner. I forgot what day it was. The place was raffling off this thing. It did not cost anything to enter the raffle, so I put my name in the jar. And today I get a call saying I won the thing. So I drive to the place and picked up my fabulous prize.

Behold my prize! Marvel in its glory! This is a Charmglow stainless steel BBQ. Home Depot is the exclusive outlet for these things. It seems Home Depot bought the company that makes them. This one has three main burners, plus one side burner. It is not the most expensive thing on the market, but it is still nice. Retail on this thing is somewhere around $250 or so. I think. I can not find this exact model anywhere.

So this explains the new Iguana Music. Be it on land or at sea, I can BBQ stuff.

Shark Mystery And Stuff

It seems researchers at the Norfolk VA aquarium are baffled. They can not seem to figure out how Tidbit the black tip reef shark got pregnant. Really. They are totally clueless on this one.

I have my ideas how this happened. And you would think that a fish biologist would be able to connect the dots. But apparently those fish biologists do not get a lot of action. Even less than I get it seems. I mean, the concept of how something gets knocked up is a mystery to them? Wow. Good thing I did not study fish biology in college after all! I did almost go down that lonely action free road. But the whole biology thing with the memorization and then the math involved with chemistry and all - too much. And I was a lot like electricity back then, always looking for the path of least resistance.

Anyway, I could draw a diagram for the fish biologist guys (insert tab A into slot B) but I would not want to depress them. I think sharks reproduce in a similar manner. But I am no fish biologist.

In other news - I HATE CAULKING! It sucks. First off, it is impossible to work with caulk without getting it all over the place.

The boat bilge pumps are mounted on a fiberglass plate which is then glued in place using something that can be pulled up. Caulk is the perfect thing to use for this application.

So I hunt for the darn caulk gun and of course I can not find it. But they are cheap, so I just buy one for $3. I cut the tip off a tube of this silicone based "wet or dry" stuff that I figure will work fine. I load the tube in the gun.

Now there is the matter of how to get the shit out of the tube. I squeezed the handle as hard as I could - and nothing. There was a small plug of hardened stuff in the tip. No matter how hard I would squeeze, it was not happening.

So I face the gun up (the tube is now pointed at the sky) and place the handle on a concrete block. I stepped on the trigger. The trigger was pushed down, but nothing came out (it was oozing out the back of the tube at this point, without me realizing it). So I release the pressure and step down again.

And it was like Mount Vesuvius, only in Florida and there was more caulk and less lava. The shit explodes out of the tube. Caulk shot a good 4 feet in the air. The shit got everywhere.

But after that it was easy to pump the caulk out of the tube. So I caulk up one fiberglass plate, and stick it in the bilge. No problem.

This is going good, so I caulk up the second plate. But the starboard bilge has all the wires and steering controls and shit in it. So the bilge access is not as easy as the other side. I stick the plate in there and then drop it. It goes SPLAT. There is much cursing at this point. I pull the plate back out, goop it back up, and put it back in there. I get it in place - but then realize the electrical wires for the pumps are now under the plate. So I pull it up again, get the wires out from under the plate, use my hand to push all the caulk that is now everywhere into a pile, and plop the pump plate back down.

Now my hand is covered in waterproof caulk that will NOT wash off. So I throw the caulk gun on the ground in disgust, and walk off to find something to dissolve the caulk on me. Orange TKO did it. I only got a little caulk on the doorknob and bathroom fixtures in the process.

The next day I go out to check that everything was OK. It seems to be. I managed to not glue the float switches down or up or whatever. At least I think so. Who knows. I do not know if I give a crap anymore. The good part is that the mess is in the bilge where I never have to look at it. Out of sight, out of mind!

But I saw the caulk gun on the ground. So I figure I will remove the tube and put the thing away where I can find it again if I ever need it.

But the plunger thing will not back out! No matter how hard I pull. There is more cursing. I think I made up some new foul words. The neighbors must love me - but hey nobody ever accused a sailor of using proper words!

I placed the pull handle of the plunger thing on a wooden fence, pressed down the release tab, and put my weight into it. No dice.

Now it comes to my attention that maybe there is some gunk preventing the plunger from backing out. So I twist the plunger around to break loose anything that was holding it in place. Then I put the thing on the fence again.

This time I made progress. The plunger was backing out. Slowly. But I keep pulling and the plunger keeps backing out.

But remember how I had to step on the trigger to get the shit flowing in the first place? Well this extreme pressure caused some caulk to leak out the BACK of the tube, behind the plunger. So there is this clump of semi-hardened crap in the gun. And of course, as the plunger backs out it gets everywhere. Again.

I get the tube out, but now I have caulk on my hands again. Using the hose and my fingers I get the remaining shit out of the gun.

I throw the caulk gun down in disgust (again). The plug of caulk removed from the thing is in the yard, where it will harden and then I can run it over with the mower.

What a mess! Oh yea I also stepped in caulk and got it on my shoe. It is on the wooden fence. It is on the concrete block. I think some is in orbit. It is messy shit that I do not want to mess with for a long time.

More Driving Rules

So you have probably all heard that the Vatican issued 10 commandments for drivers. And if not - BREAKING NEWS! The Vatican issued 10 commandments for drivers! There. Now you know.

Here are those commandments, with explanations of what they mean complements of me.

1. Thou shalt not kill - clearly plagiarized from the original 10 commandments. OH how original there! You mean I am not supposed to run people down in my car? Really? What idiot came up with this one! Anyone who is going to put effort into paying any attention to the driving commandments probably already follows the ORIGINAL commandments, so not killing is already covered. They did not even cite the original commandments properly! MLA would be horrified.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm - OK what does this mean? Means of communion between people? So I am only supposed to use the roads if I want to get laid or something? And what is it with the mortal harm part? We already know about the whole "no running assholes down" thing. Even if they do deserve it. And does this mean the Vatican is against street vendors and people trying to collect money for various reasons by standing in the street? This commandment needs the Pope to clarify it.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events - sounds like they stole this from a fortune cookie or a newspaper horoscope.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents - like this will ever happen in Miami. I have seen people drive through fresh accident scenes, cell phones pressed firmly against the head. Nothing happened here! Keep driving! Swerve to avoid the body in the street! Do not want to get blood on the car finish!

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin - YEA RIGHT! Someone should tell the Vatican that the Archbishop of the Miami Diocese lives in PINECREST (expensive houses) and when I had to make a delivery there I saw a few Jags in the driveway. Is that not an "expression of power"? Look! I can afford an $80,000 car because you idiots put all that money in the collection plate every week! Please. And if I can not commit the occasional sin in the back seat of the car, how can I use the roads as a means of communion between people? Sometimes a proper place to get freaky is just too far away.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so - Code words for "do not drive after drinking a whole bottle of communion wine". Driving drunk is more likely to lead to a whole bunch of hot sweaty steamy backseat sin. The kind of sin that fogs up the windows on the inside of the car. And causes the suspension to make noises. Got it! Better to find a proper place for that kind of activity.

7. Support the families of accident victims - Good concept here. Really. People need support. This one actually makes sense, as does number 6.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness - uhhhhhh...might not be such a great idea. "Im sorry" does not pay for my new car because your ass had no insurance and was driving without a license. I may forgive you if you forgive the steel toe boot lodged up your ass.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party - I do this. Which is why I drive a larger heavier vehicle!

10. Feel responsible toward others - HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Really! I almost peed on myself here. Feel responsible toward others? Like how? I carry insurance for the vehicle, is that not enough? What if the "others" are mouth breathing morons who have no business owning a car in the first place? What then?

So there you go. More driving rules that you can ignore.

MOVIE REVIEW! Flags Of Our Fathers. Another war movie with a message. War is bad, MMM-Kay? This movie is about the guys who were in that famous "Flag over Iwo Jima" photograph. The ones who lived long enough for the photo to be famous were flown home and sent on a public relations tour of the USA to get people to buy more war bonds. It used some of the same footage from "Letters From Iwo Jima", and was made by the same director (Clint Eastwood). It is a good movie, not the typical war movie at all.

Music For Emma

Today's Iguana Music feature is for Emma who Sometimes visits this blog and comments. And sometimes I suspect she just lurks. She was all like "you can't find this song" and I said "watch me". Well not exactly. Sort of. Anyhow it is a good cover of a Zep tune I am not really that much in to. It is super over played. Anyhow there it is.

I am like a giant squid, deep in the abyss. My tentacles stretch out a very long distance, yet I am unseen. The way I like it to be. My sources are many.

I got some sort of mystery funk. I feel sort of crappy. Not too crappy, just crappy enough that I am not super motivated to do anything. I am drinking that Airborne crap. Someone told me it would work, but who the hell knows. I do not feel any worse, nor do I feel better. So did the stuff work, or did it not work? Nobody knows. There is no way to know.

I got some ugly ass shoes.

Corcs. They are ugly as hell but they are comfortable. They are made of some kind of soft plastic or something. They do not slip on a wet boat deck, nor do they leave marks. I got them for use on the boat, but I have been wearing them instead of putting on real shoes. I am apparently too lazy to tie my shoes now. Also I feel crappy and do not really want to go anyplace.

I tried to take a picture of Skipper, but he would not have it. He kept running off or attacking the camera. I have to catch him when he is zonked out, otherwise all you will see is a gray blur.
The shutter on the digital camera is slow. I press the shutter release, there is a pause, and then it takes the photo. During that pause Skipper has run off or pounced on the lens or whatever. The auto focus can not react fast enough.

My Advice On Campaign Theme Songs To Avoid

It seems that the 2008 election brew-ha-ha is on. It was on a few months ago. But with nothing of substance to talk about, the wonderful American News Media has decided to talk about the highly important issue of......campaign theme songs! Yawn.

It seems that some candidates (last time I checked only on the Democrat side but I expect this to change) are letting people suggest and vote for their campaign theme song. Why not. It gives people something to do and keeps them from playing in traffic. And what else is the internet useful for? Not a whole lot. Except tons of free porn. And MP3 downloads. And buying crap. And even ordering pizza! How lazy does your ass have to be before you decide that the computer is an easier way to order a pizza than picking up the phone?

Anyhow the "suggest a theme song using You Tube" is a good idea. It gets people talking about you. And we all love to vote for unimportant shit! How many people vote for American Idol VS how many people show up for national elections? So yea, good idea. DIRT CHEAP for the campaign. You Tube is free and web cams are cheap.

But anyway - here is my list of songs that should probably be AVOIDED if you want a theme song for your presidential bid. Unless you are me. I am cool enough that I could use any of these songs and get away with it.

1. 2 Live Crew - Face Down, Ass Up
2. 2 Live Crew - Me So Horny
3. Flying Burrito Brothers - Lazy Day
4. Cypress Hill - Hits From The Bong
5. Cypress Hill - I Want To Get High
6. Adam Ant - Strip
7. Afro Man - Cause I Got High
8. Anti-Flag - Die For Your Government
9. Beastie Boys - Brass Monkey
10. Billy Joel - Captain Jack
11. Yonder Mountain Band - Whiskey Before Breakfast
12. David Lee Roth - Just A Jigalo
13. Dead Kennedys - Kill The Poor
14. Jello Biafra and Mojo Nixon - Plastic Jesus
15. Dead Milkmen - Taking Retards To The Zoo
16. NWA - Fuck The Police
17. Various Artists - Money (Thats What I Want)
18. Fall Out Boy - This Ain't A Scene, It's An Arms Race
19. The Clancy Brothers - Beer, Beer Beer
20. J Giles Band - Angel Is A Centerfold
21. John Denver - Rocky Mountain High
22. Johnny Cash - I Hardly Ever Sing Beer Drinking Songs
23. Kanye West - Golddigger
24. King Missile - Detachable Penis
25. Rick James - Give It To Me
26. Musical Youth - Pass The Dutchie
27. Styx - Mr. Roboto (should be BANNED world wide NOW)
28. The Vapors - Turning Japanese
29. The Waitresses - Johnny Are You Queer
30. Ween - The Homo Rainbow
31. Joan Jett and The Black Hearts - Bad Reputation
32. Shel Silverstein - I Got Stoned And I Missed It
33. Guttermouth - (Want To) Fuck The Spice Girls
34. Dennis Leary - I'm An Asshole
35. Queensryche - Empire
36. Dead Kennedys - Chemical Warfare

This list is by no means complete. But it is a good place to start. ALL OF THE ABOVE are not really good campaign theme songs. If someone suggests one of these songs, ignore that suggestion. It is a bad one. Trust me.

In other sadder news, Chatham the 20 year old Siamese Cat passed on Friday. He lived a full and very long life for a cat. Chatham belonged to DDDragon, a member of the Pez Family. I am saddened to hear of the loss.

Stuffed

I discovered a new place to get food today. Kraut food. The place is called "Heidi's". I had a dinner sampler plate, which came with some sort of sausage, a cut of pork, a cut of marinated roast beef, chicken schnitzel, sauerkraut, boiled red cabbage, mashed potatoes, cucumber salad, and a small side of apple sauce.

A lot of food. But it was good. Even the cabbage. Somehow, I managed to eat it all. AND because I am a champ I also downed a liter of German beer. After dinner I also had a shot of this "Underberg" herb bitters. It tasted and smelled kind of like Jagermeister. The taste and smell was stronger however.

I was waddling out of the place like a fat man out of an all you can eat buffet. I was so stuffed I thought I might blow chunks all over the parking lot. But Ill tell you what - the herb bitters said "to aid in digestion" and it did! After the shot I felt better. I was able to stand up and walk without spraying schnitzel all over the place.

So now I know where to go for good German beer. They have a small bar. But their hours of operation kind of suck. Not very beer drinking friendly. They close too early. But the food is good. The place is less of a bar and more of a place to stuff your face with meat products. And Black Forest Cake. Oh yea, they also have a cuckoo clock. From the Black Forest maybe? Who knows.

And while eating it, I came up with some thoughts. How in the hell do Germans live past age 40 eating NOTHING but beef, pork, sausage, and schnitzel? Really. A vegetarian would starve in Germany. I do not think one can live on apple sauce, cucumbers, sauerkraut, and cabbage. I think I have eaten enough for the next 24 hours. That was one monster plate. I am still amazed I was able to stuff it all down.

I got all my Netflix movies in the mail. I should get two more sometime today, and another one Tuesday. Ill update the movie box things later.

Skipper is starting to be a pain in the ass. He has discovered that he can get on top of things and knock stuff off. I have to be less lazy and remove the empty cans of seltzer water to the recycling bin and not just leave them on shelves for removal later.

The bigger cats do not want to play with Skipper. They hate Skipper. Cleo will play with Skipper for short periods of time - sometimes. But not enough. So he has to find stuff to play with. Like the coin sorter he just knocked over. He likes to play "destroy all humans" too. He likes to go for feet, arms, and my face/neck.

Happy Solstice!!

Did you all realize that at 18:06 UTC on July 21 was the Summer Solstice? That is right, yesterday was the longest day of the year. From here on out the days will get shorter. At 6 PM UTC the sun was directly over the Tropic Of Cancer. UTC is the time in England, so translated to Eastern Standard Time subtract 4 hours (5 hours when it is not daylight savings time - another reason to stop with the clock change bullshit). So at 2 PM EDT the sun was as far north in the sky as it is going to get.

This is good news for Miami, because from here on out the days are shorter and shorter. We like this because as the days get shorter and the season changes there are fewer hurricanes. And it is cooler. So I say to the sun - MAKE WITH THE WINTER ALREADY! Quit screwing around. It is hot enough now. Really. I am only a few degrees north of the Tropic Of Cancer.

MOVIE REVIEW TIME!

LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA. We all know about the battle of Iwo Jima. One of the most famous pictures from WWII came from that island. It is a desolate deserted rock in the Pacific Ocean - but it is just large enough for an airstrip. And it is close to Japan.

This is a movie about the defenders of the island. The Japanese Soldiers. And amazingly enough, they were not that different from the American "invaders". They were there because of a perceived duty to their country. They left wives and children behind. And they knew that it was likely they would die in battle.

The dialog is in Japanese, so you have to read this movie. Clint Eastwood directed it and did a good job. Most of the movie takes place before the battle. The actual battle is depicted, but is not really the main focus of the movie.

It is worth watching.

THE MESSENGERS - A ghost type horror movie. But not just ANY ghost type horror movie! This one is from The Pang Brothers. These guys did some horror stuff in Japan where they are fairly well known. And it was produced by Sam Raimi, who was also involved in The Evil Dead, The Evil Dead II, and Army Of Darkness (Evil Dead III). Evil Dead 1 and 2 were pretty much the same movie, with number 2 being better because the first one was made to be a horror flick and number 2 was a comedy horror flick. Army Of Darkness was also a comedy horror flick.

Sam Raimi created the ULTIMATE movie bad ass - Ash. Ash is the main character in the Evil Dead movies. The dude cuts off his own (possessed) hand with a chain saw, and then makes the chain saw his missing hand! And then he hacks up countless Evil Dead things. Lets see Rambo do that! Rambo is a sniveling pussy compared to Ash.

But I am supposed to be reviewing The Messengers. It was OK. For a horror flick. It is really hard to make a horror movie. There is not a lot you can do with it. This movie has some predictable horror flick elements. But it is OK. I guess. I am glad I did not pay to see this in the theaters.

APOCALYPTO - Another Mel Gibson movie. Mel seems to like using obscure languages NOBODY has spoken for hundreds of years. Well someone may still speak Mayan. Who knows. And how do we know what a dead language really sounds like anyway? Shit Mel just use ENGLISH. Or Spanish. Or German. Or anything that is spoken TODAY. You crazy goof.

Apocalypto is a story about Jaguar Paw. He lives in the jungle with his tribe. Another tribe (Aztecs????) capture him and destroy his village. Then he is marched through the jungle to a larger settlement to be sacrificed.

But he does not want to be sacrificed. He has to get back to his wife and child.

And then some stuff happens. And the Spanish show up. So the Mayan Civilization is pretty much over at that point.

I do not know what the point of the movie is. Mel claims it has a point - but whatever. Clint Eastwood is a MUCH better director. This movie was OK. Not good, not great, but OK. I am glad I did not pay to see this in the theater.

OK! Reviews over! I mailed two movies back. Saturday I should get "Flags Of Our Fathers" (Clint Eastwood movie about Iwo Jima - this time from the American side point of view) and "Good Night, And Good Luck" - a movie about TV newsman Edward R. Murrow and his battle with Senator Joe "I See Commies" McCarthy. I hope Murrow wins. Tuesday I will get "Sideways" unless I change the order of my Queue.

All True

This is going to be good. And everything here is ALL TRUE!

First up, ever want to get your own domain name? Of course you have! I got one. Everyone is getting one. It is the hip and cool thing to do! My domain is "safe" - lazyiguana.org. No confusion there! This is an example of a good domain name choice. Now for some NOT SO GOOD domain names.

LAZY NOTE - not all of the following web sites are still up. But I promise you if you click them you will NOT get anything that you might think of when you see the URLs.

Lets say you have an online store selling pens. All kinds of pens. High end writing pens to cheap "Bic" type pens that are personalized with a business name or whatever on them. Now what would you call this store? I GOT IT! How about Pen Island? Hey that is kind of cool! Come to Pen Island for all your pen needs! It is kind of nautical and shit. But is this really such a good name? Lets see what it looks like as a domain name.

www.penisland.net.

Penis Land? What the hell? Why on EARTH would I ever want to go there? This is a horrible domain name. But it is safe to click it. It really is for Pen Island! Someone was not paying attention here.

But what if you are not in the pen business? What if you decided to have a web site where people can go to find out who represents who? Like say you want to hire some douche bag on TV to make a commercial for you? Do you know who their agent is? Well do you? Of course not. So you go to

www.whorepresents.com.

You can either buy presents for a whore OR find out which agent to call to book Gilbert Godfrey for your company holiday party.

And lets say you need knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at? Why you go to Experts Exchange.

www.expertsexchange.com.

I am just getting started here! And it gets better.

Say you need to find a therapist. For whatever reason. But you do not know where to look! You go to Therapist Finder of course! DUH!

www.therapistfinder.com.

And then there is a power generator company in Italy who got the domain

www.powergenitalia.com.

This may or may not have been a mistake. Those wacky Italians probably thought it was funny. This website seems to be down, when it returns who knows what it will be. Probably NOT a power generator company however.

But the Italians are not the only ones in on the gags. From New South Wales (Australia?) comes the Mole Station Native Nursery. My guess is that they sell native plants. And the web address they had? Sounds like something Michael Jackson would call his day care center.

www.molestationnursery.com.

Someone over there figured this out and seems to have moved their website to something that is not disturbing.

Looking for computer software that allows you to access your computer from anywhere over the internet? Then you need to go to

www.ipanywhere.com.

Bring an umbrella.

Pastor John of the Cumming First United Methodist Church in Cumming, Georgia was so proud of his idea to get on the internet. What better way to reach out to the people of Cumming Georgia and surrounding towns than with a web page? Church members could keep up to date as to the activities at the church and whatnot. So Pastor John registered

www.cummingfirst.com.

OOPS! I wonder if anyone has noticed? This web site is still up. And yes, Cumming Georgia is spelled correctly. With a U. Bring a rain coat of you go to this town! Chalk this one up as "good idea, poor execution".

And how about this web site?

www.speedofart.com

Is it:
A) some guy in a speedo cutting the cheese OR
B) some website made by brainless art / graphic designers?

Ill let you figure this one out.

And lastly, lets say you want to just get away from it all. At Lake Tahoe. It is a really nice place. Hell I want to GO TAHOE!

www.gotahoe.com

The City Chamber Of Commerce / tourism board really needs to run their ideas past me.

Speaking of things that need to be run past me, the Miami-Dade County Expressway Authority really needs my help. They have a public awareness campaign going on right now called "Move It, Yes You Can!". It is to tell fucking morons that if they have a minor car accident to MOVE THEIR CARS OFF THE ROAD! But no, people insist on remaining in the road blocking traffic. And in heavy traffic times these minor accidents clog up roads for miles. It makes you want to get out and stab someone. So the County has billboards like this one all over the place.

No big deal. Pretty good design. We have our Mayor (the dude on the billboard) all smiling and happy - putting us drivers in a calm mood. And a message for the public. Yes you can move your car after a minor accident!

But there is a problem with the billboard I took a picture of. It is in a shitty location. It is behind some unused railroad tracks off to the side of a busy road. So why is this a shitty location? A LOT of cars pass it every day! Well on the road this sign can be seen at (Bird Road for everyone in Miami - right past the Wendys across the street from AD Doug Barnes park by the railroad tracks at SW 72 AVE) has a lot of businesses VERY Close to the road. So the billboard is ALMOST 100% blocked to the view of east bound traffic. Here is a simulation of what this sign looks like if you are driving east down Bird Road. No shit.

The mayor, with the only words visible "Minor Accident". Really. If you do not believe me get in your cars and drive past it right now if you are in Dade County. If not then just take my word for it. The black area simulates the building that blocks the billboard as seen from a car going east.

Mayor Carlos Alvarez a "Minor Accident"?? Come on MDX, be nice! The guy is not that bad! I predict that once I publish this post there will be a job opening for a new director of the Miami-Dade County Expressway Authority.

MDX - feel free to contact me anytime for my billboard consulting services. I charge reasonable rates. Your "Move It" campaign is an excellent idea and really my hat is off to you guys for FINALLY doing SOMETHING to spread the word to people involved in piddly no real damage car accidents to get the hell off the road to wait for the fake cops to come and write a report, but you really need some billboard consulting services.

Issues And Shit

Today was the first day that I can remember that had no rain! In celebration of that I changed the Iguana Music.

I am sure that it has not been too long since the last day with no rain. But I could not tell you exactly when that day was. Must be the damage I did to my short term memory. Wink wink nudge nudge.

So in honor of the first day I can remember with no rain I finished installing the last of the crap in the boat. Now the VHF radio is installed, the GPS chart plotter is installed, and the fish finder / sonar thing in installed. Yippie! Now all I have to do is put in a raw water wash down pump. When I get one that is. Who knows when that will be. OH YEA and I have to install the stereo thing. I have that already, I just do not know where to put it. Really - there is no good place for it. But I will find something. I have a few ideas.

Oh yea and for reasons unknown, the water pressure gauge stopped working. I have no idea. It was working, and now it is not. The water pressure gauge is cool because it lets you know the water pump is working. I have a theory that something got knocked loose. I have to fiddle with it more when I feel like it. I need more days with no rain.

I am going to TRY TO get out on the water this weekend. Somehow. There has to be a way. All I need is for it to not be all stormy and shit. I think that the water pump may be on the fritz because the hose is not a good ocean simulator. So I want to launch it and see if the water pressure thingie works when the boat is actually in the water. Otherwise F it - the engine has overheating protection and I have unlimited towing service from Tow Boat US. The engine will shut itself off before it blows up and getting towed back to port is free. Nothing can go too horribly wrong. In theory.

Well that is about it for now. Letters From Iwo Jima seems to be in Japanese with English subtitles. So I have to read the movie. Makes it kind of hard to write this shit AND pay attention to the movie at the same time.

So I will leave you with this little gem. Trapped In The Closet, featuring Tom Cruise, John Travolta, R. Kelly, and a closet. Saur will like this link. This is the episode that supposedly caused Issac Hays to quit as the voice of Chef.

Tom Cruise does finally come out of the closet in this episode. Unlike real life.

Oh yea, the credits on this are the best. Pay attention to them.

Got Un Lazy!

Yes that is right. I broke the mold and got un-lazy.

Saturday I mailed in the movies from Netflix I had sitting around for a few weeks. Netflix likes me again.

OH CRAP! That reminds me that I have to update my billing info. The check card I was using was changed to a new number. Something about fraud detection that turned out to be me using three gas stations in only a few minutes. One station would not let me pay at the pump and I did not feel like going in to see the illegal worker. The other station was pumping far too slow. The third one was just right. I already updated the billing info for my satellite radio service. Now I just need to update Netflix and then my Sunpass highway toll paying device thingie.

By the way, if your area offers prepaid electronic tolls, go for it. It rules. I pay my tolls while going 60 mph now. Sometimes faster. All the LOSERS who have to stop to pay are LOSERS. I laugh at them while blowing the booth out without slowing down at all. So if you can, get the electronic toll paying thing. They so totally rule.

OH YEA! And I thought up an improvement on my junk mail project. I can open two junk mails, and then stuff all the stuff from junk mail 1 into junk mail 2 return envelope. And of course all of junk mail 2 into junk mail 1 envelope. That is kind of an improvement to the idea.

I also remembered how I harassed some people down the street who pissed me off by having the Jehovah's Witnesses AND Mormons visit them. I filled out some "yes I want to learn more about _________" cards and mailed them in. I also requested a free book of Mormon over the internet. You know that when you do that - they do not just mail you one. It is delivered by hand. And not by the post office. That is an example of neighborhood "psy ops" warfare. At the end of the post I will give an example of special operations ninja shit.

Anyhow I get three new movies today. Letters From Iwo Jima, The Messengers, and Apocolypto. One will probably be good, one will just be a formula movie that one watches to pass some time, and one could end up sucking. Ill let you all guess which is which. More reviews when I have them.

Skipper went to the vet Monday. So I guess he is an official resident now. Nobody can have him for free anymore. They have to fork over whatever was spent on him at the vet. Nobody is going to do this.

Since the last batch of video links I posted were so popular (Krokodil seems to really like "Death Camp Of Tolerance") I will scour the internet looking for other stuff. Krok - I will post links for the Starvin Marvin episodes one of these days. Not as good as "Death Camp" but OK.

And now for one act of neighborhood warfare special operations ninja shit. This works pretty good and is funny as hell to watch.

HOPEFULLY your target parks their car on the right of way, or backs into the driveway.

You take some nylon rope. Not too thick but not too thin either. 1/8 inch is a good starting point. Wait for garbage day. At 3 AM tie one end of the rope to the garbage can. Route the rope to the rear bumper of the car. Tie the other end of the rope to the car. Place the rope in such a way as to make it as unnoticeable as possible. Your special forces team may have to do some recon and do things to make the rope harder to spot (painting it green so it blends in with the lawn for example). Coil the slack in the rope and toss it under the car.

Now if all goes well, the target gets up to go to work, jumps in the car, starts the engine, and drives off without noticing the rope. They get about 25 or 50 feet down the road and the rope goes tight and the can goes flying. Hopefully it takes them some time to notice that so that the garbage goes all over the place. Away from your yard.

This works best when the person parks their car on the right of way, with the rear bumper near the trash can. Otherwise, the chances of them noticing is anywhere from high to moderate.

No Videos Today.

HELP NEEDED FOR THE NEW IGUANA MUSIC!
I do not know if the version of todays Iguana Music was in fact performed by Country Joe and the Fish. A bunch of versions of this song have been recorded. I think the original version was in some movie - Easy Rider or something. So if you know your Country Joe give the music a listen and let me know what the deal is.

I have decided that it is not going to stop raining. So therefore, there is no point in waiting for it to stop. There is no front. The weather map says that there is an area of "high pressure" here, despite the fact that the barometer is FALLING and it is raining every few hours.

This is interesting to me. People go to college and shit to guess about the weather. And they tell me that there is a "high pressure" area over Miami while at the SAME TIME reporting a falling barometer? That is like me saying THIS IS BLUE when clearly it is green.

But in spite of this, the cable for the GPS antenna is run under the deck of the boat. So now the antenna can hang out by the splash well out of the way of everyone. Perfect. There was a Garmin GPS antenna there, but the chart plotter I have will not use that antenna.

The new fish finder transducer is also on the boat, and the cable is run under the deck to the center console. Now all I have to do is install the display bracket on the helm and connect the power wires and hook the GPS up to the fish finder. That will be easy. And the boat is under a carport tarp thing so it can rain while I am doing this.

What else is there? OH YEA! Good news.

Stouffers has some sort of "Dinner Club" thing going on. Packages of some Stouffers frozen foods have a code you enter and get points. You get 100 points for signing up, and 20 points for each package code you enter. You can also get 102 bonus points each month by doing some stupid survey and voting in some stupid poll.

I already have 222 points. 100 for joining, 100 for the survey, 20 for the box code, and 2 for voting in the poll. I have no idea what the points are good for, but I have them. Supposedly starting sometime next month or in August there will be stuff on the Stouffers web site I can bid for, using my points like money. Kind of like frozen food Ebay. If I win then they send me the stuff. I use Stouffers stuff as emergency backup food. If it is late and I want food I can just nuke something and eat it. And now I can get points.

I answered "strongly disagree" for every survey answer. I like screwing up marketing data. That is what they get for thinking that something is "scientific" when in reality it is just bullshit.

And here is what you can do! If you are not going to sign up, email me your box codes! The codes are printed on the inside of the boxes. So email them in. I want a bunch of points so I can bid on something and be a winner.

OH YEA! I have a solution for junk mail. If EVERYONE does this then junk mail will stop. Here is what you do.

1. Open the junk mail.
2. Look for the postage paid return envelope.
3. Stuff all the junk mail into that envelope. Be creative. If something does not fit in the return envelope, tear it till it does.
4. Mail it back. Without any money. Just return all the junk they sent you - at their expense.
5. I like to add a happy face sticker or something to the outside of the envelope.

If everyone starts to do this, the junk mailers will start to loose a lot of money, and the junk will stop. They will get so much return mail (possibly hundreds of thousands or millions of returns) that they will have to hire more people just to open it all and look for checks. And what will they find? Nothing.

I got this idea after mailing the RNC a $2,000 donation during the 2004 election. Of course I sent it in the form of Monopoly money. You can order a stack of Monopoly money for $3.50 by clicking HERE.

Wasted An Hour - Still No Video To Post

Well hell. I friggin give up. You Tube is all "we do not want to host pirate shit" and I can not figure out how to steal this from somewhere else and post it here. So I will just have to give out a link and you have to follow it. Lame - I know. But that is just how it is. Nothing I can do about it.

Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Play Set.

No it is NOT porn. This is my little island of wasted bandwidth in a vast sea of internet porn. So no porn links. You may need to know who Lemmiwinks The Gerbil is to get the end of this video. And the Sparrow Prince. And the Catata Fish. And of course, the Frog King. All died a horrible death.

No, that is not Richard Gere's website. This blog is anti-gerbilling.

I hope we do not have to keep hearing about the stupid spoiled whore. Really. Can we move on to something else to pretend to give a shit about? Can we?? PLEASE!!?!?!

After months of no rain (and lots of days to get shit done) it is now raining every day. So it is hard to get shit done. But we do need the rain. Thus the dilemma. Do we bitch and cry about the daily rain, or do we just deal with it because it is the friggin summer and this is the tropics and we all know that in the tropics in the summer it rains every day?

The next asshole I do not know that feels the need to comment to me that "it is hot" is going to get stabbed. NO SHIT IT IS HOT! Where do you think you are? Fucking Siberia? Thanks for the weather update Captain Obvious! I had not noticed that I am sweating like a fat man in a sauna after eating 100 super spicy chicken wings. I needed your keen observations to point that out to me.

The forecast calls for a slack off in the rain. We are going from "showers likely" to "scattered showers throughout the day, scattered thunderstorms in the late morning / afternoon" to "isolated showers and thunderstorms" to "slight chance of thunderstorms". Then back to "chance of thunderstorms".

"Slight chance of thunderstorms" is the normal forecast from now till November. It is pretty cool actually. You can watch the converging sea breezes push the hot moist air over the everglades up, forming storm clouds. Then they either hit you or not.

I think I struck it rich. Skipper is only three pounds and is not really getting much larger than he was 2 months ago. I am thinking I can start my own line of designer cats. I figure that people will pay to get their very own mini cat. I have already came up with some marketing slogans.

1. 75% less cat shit!
2. 75% less hairball horking!
3. Save money on food!
4. The forever kitten

And so on. Now if I can just get myself a dwarf female hypoallergenic cat I would really be raking in the jack. People are paying $5950 US per kitten and there is a 24 month wait. For an extra $2,000 you can shorten that wait to 12 months.

Now I have done some rough calculations. Skipper is probably not a 1 in 50,000 hypoallergenic cat. But if the gene is recessive, and Skipper has a dominate / recessive gene pair then 1/4 of the kittens he produces can be expected to be hypoallergenic. If he happens to be hypoallergenic AND a dwarf than ALL the kittens he causes will be worth $6,000 AND some of them may be worth more. I could afford this in NO TIME!

I just need to get Skipper about 25 dwarf hypoallergenic girlfriends. And then get each male dwarf allergen free kitten produced another 25 girlfriends. Lets see here...6 kittens per batch, two batches per year per female cat, 25 female cats, 50% male kittens 50% female kittens.....doing math here....carrying the 1......

300 kittens in year 1. If half are male then that is 150. Plus the original makes 151. Times 25 would be A LOT of cats. In year two. Now for the good part. Lets say $6,000 per cat. 6k times (151 times 25) is well over $6,000,000.

Today is Father's Day. I got a card. And some other stuff. In two years when I am the designer cat kingpin making $6,000,000 selling dwarf allergy free cats Ill be able to get Dad a friggin Bently. And a card.

Won't Eat Prunes Again

So for some reason I remembered what could possibly be the greatest kids TV show ever produced. We can thank Canada for this show. I could not find a You Tube link, but I found one full episode on Real Player! You need to have Real Player and then click HERE! Pretty cool huh?

I am not going to reveal what the show is, you have to click THERE and have Real Player installed. Otherwise, you will never know what it is. And when I ask you what the show is and you say "I don't know" you get a bucket of green slime dumped on your head. Every episode someone got slimed. And water dumped on them. Usually more than once. Some episodes have been banned. This show would never get produced today.

Anyway, by the time the this episode aired it was 1985. I was 11 years old by then and had probably stopped watching this show. But whatever. Still good stuff.

Now that this total waste of time is out of the way, I can move on to something else. But I forgot what that is.

OH YEA! The tetracycline I got from the dentist. This creates a conundrum. You see, when on antibiotics you are not supposed to have alcohol. It prevents the stuff from working as well. For some reason. You would think that the opposite would be true. Alcohol kills germs right? So using simple logic one would conclude that alcohol would HELP the antibiotics.

But that is not the case.

But what do they mean by "no alcohol"? Do they mean "no alcohol" as in "NO alcohol" or do they mean "you can not get shit faced and pass out in the front yard bare ass naked so that the neighbors discover you when they wake up to go to work and poke you with a stick to see if you are still alive"? Because there is a big difference in that and just having a beer or two. And if they said "you can have a beer" then people would take that to mean "lets get totally wasted and see how much we can vomit".

Or does it really mean "NO alcohol you wastoid! What are you, some sort of alkie or something? Maybe you need to go to rehab. With Brittney". I would probably go to rehab with Britney. Why not. Even if I do not really need to dry out.

And my tetracycline was injected directly into the gum pocket. I am not taking pills. So in theory the medicine powder is in there. Where the bacteria are. It does not have to dissolve into my blood stream and get carried there. It is there because it was put there! So how can alcohol effect it? Huh? Someone tell me.

Oh yea the booklet that they sent me home with mentions a few things. Like not to floss for 10 days. WTF?!?! If I do not floss how the hell can I get crud out of my teeth? Do you have any idea how much it sucks to get something stuck in your teeth and NOT BE ABLE TO REMOVE IT? I think I would go insane.

It also says "no hard, crunchy, or sticky foods". So what the hell can I eat? Ice cream? NO, can't do that! The ice cream may have fudge or caramel in it! So scratch that. HEY I KNOW! Chicken wings! I can eat those right? Nope! No wings. They said that counts as a "sticky" food. And the celery sticks are "crunchy". They also said steak is a "crunchy" food. I said that steak is in fact NOT crunchy unless you are an idiot and do not know how to cook it. Steak is NOT crunchy. Those people must cook their steak till it is charcoal.

So I decided that "crispy" is not "crunchy". The propaganda did not mention "crispy". So those foods are in the table. Now follow me here because this gets highly technical. I can not eat potato chips because the bag says "crunchy". But I CAN eat "Munchos" because the bag says "crispy". See how that works? Potato crisps = OK. Potato chips = crunchy and not OK.

But really. YOU tell me a food that is not crunchy, sticky, or hard. Well go on! Lets hear it! Meatloaf you say? OK you are right. So what else? What the hell am I supposed to eat? Nothing but meatloaf for 10 days? OH I KNOW! Jello! Seeing as how I am in Florida I can get that "super protein jello" stuff made for old people who loose their dentures. So I can eat that. But it only comes in one flavor. PRUNE. By the way, that prune link is to today's top secret ultra rare Iguana Music special that you have probably never heard before. It was recorded by the weird one many decades ago. Never released, but somehow I got it.

But anyway - prune jello is out.

By the way, there is new regular Iguana Music too. I just put it up. You can only play one at a time. So pick one. Then your nose. Wipe it on someone you do not like too much. It keeps them away.

The good news is that the propaganda does not say beans about alcohol. So I guess beer is OK. when I go back in September they will know if the pockets got better or not. If not Ill just get more powder and adopt a stricter definition of "crunchy".

Today I plan to go to my place, have a beer, and maybe even scarf some yummy chicken wings. Or just have a turkey club sandwich. I discovered those are good. I have been going to this place for YEARS now but every time I still ask for a menu even though I know what is on it. And can you believe I never ordered the turkey club? Terrible.

Oh yea this place has two vegetarian things on the menu. Well actually more but work with me here. The "garden burger" which is actually pretty good and the "penni pasta". It even says "vegetarian dish" in the menu description. But get this - it contains ANCHOVIES! Get it? I ordered it twice. The second time I asked to leave out the salty hairy nasty fish. They did. It was better. But I do not go there for serious food. I go there for the beer mainly. And the wings. They are hot. But not too hot. The burgers are also good.

And they have......meatloaf. Yippie. Something I can eat.

The Scam

I figured out the scam. I also decided that I screwed the pooch by not being a dentist. I should have gone to dentist school.

Here is how the scam works. I go in for a cleaning. And they cleaned my teeth. I am deplaqueified and everything. They also took x-rays.

Anyway, after the cleaning they checked for gum pockets. Gum pockets is how gum disease starts. Anyhow they found 2 small ones. I had more, but those were discovered the first time I went last year.

Anyhow the discovery of the little pockets upgraded the cleaning to "periodontal" cleaning. But I do not think I was charged any more.

The pockets are not very deep. They are pretty shallow. The dentist entered the room and looks at my x-rays and proclaims "I do not see any decay". No shit. I could see by the x-rays I had no tooth decay. How much does Captain Obvious make? A lot. He also checked the depth of the pockets.

Now here is the SCAM. The cleaner said "we better schedule another appointment in a few weeks to check those pockets! You may need an antibiotic treatment. Did you catch where the scam is?

Another appointment huh? BZZZZZZZZZZ. Wrong. I say "well hell, I am here now so lets go! Load up that antibiotic powder shit and lets roll! Get is on!". The dentist says "they are not too deep, but yea - go on and treat them now". Another appointment my ass. All that is going to do is cost more.

The antibiotic treatment is this funky tetracycline like powder. Yes powder. They use this device to "inject" it. But not with a needle. They load up this thing, place it on top of the pocket, and then BAM! Somehow the powder gets crammed into the pocket. No problem. And no "follow up appointment". The antibiotic treatment is $40 a shot, and I needed two.

They did schedule another appointment in three months. Whatever. I suppose that one is a good idea.

I saw the real dentist for all of three minutes. And he probably billed me at least $30 for that. I hope his Bently was the one parked under the tree all the birds were in. I fed the birds some sunflower seeds soaked in liquid laxative just in case.

So between the cleaning, x-rays, tetracycline, and three minute visit by the real dentist - the total was $250. Last time I had a routine cleaning at that place it was $60. That is what I was expecting today.

And it rained today. I was unable to do very much to the boat. The silicone glue idea did not work out so well. The tube was not big enough to get the proper amount of goop out. So I will have to use some caulking. Probably silicone based caulking. I need to have a lot of stuff on the fiberglass mounting plate. Oh well. The anchor rope is marked off every 25 feet. I got that done. There is only about 150 feet total of anchor line. That is enough to get a decent hold in 40 feet of water. I may be able to anchor in as much as 50 feet. But with only 3 feet of line out for every 1 foot of water depth, I would not trust the hold in 50 feet. I have a lot of chain but it is better to have 7 feet of line out for every 1 foot of depth. I can add more line later. I just need to do a long back splice on the anchor chain. No problem.

The Dentist

Monday. What was I doing Monday? Oh yea, the usual. Not much exciting. Just the usual non-exciting stuff. Due to the schedule I keep, I was sleeping in late. As usual. Pretty dull.

And then the cell phone rings. Waking me up. Well sort of waking me up. I was trying to "sleep" while Skipper the little gray kitten was pouncing all over the place in an effort to get me up so I would feed him. So I was "sleeping" as well as someone can sleep while a kitten is trying to bite them on the nose. Or ear lobe. Or chin. Or hands / arms / feet.

So anyway, while all this was going on the phone rings. It is the dentist office! They want to pick crap out of my teeth again.

Oh yea, NEW IGUANA MUSIC!

This is good really. You see, I was keeping up with the flossing and stuff, but then I got lazy. And I also started to brush only with mouthwash. I take a swig of Listerine and then brush. I figure that kills all the bacteria and crap. Then I spit the shit out. Pretty much all there is to it.

So anyway, they want to pick the plaque out. Whatever. The chick that works behind the desk is kind of hot. And I kind of like the tooth pressure washer thing. Even the metal hook scraper / poker thing is not too bad. Yea your gums may bleed a little. WAAA WAAA WAAAA. Grow a pair already.

What gets me is the DRILLING. Oh that is horrible. But as long as there are no cavities, there will be no drill. I am not cavity prone. Good news there.

But that is not the point.

Whoever called from the dentist office wanted to set up an appointment. So I say OK why not. Then they ask a dumb question. "Is 10:00 AM ok"? Oh hell no. 10 AM? Are people even awake that early? 10 AM is not OK. 10 AM is Satanic. 10 AM is evil. 10 AM is an unholy hour of the day.

So I opted for the 2:45 PM appointment. That is much better. I can wake up at a more reasonable time, get dressed, leave, and I might even make it there on time!

Seriously, I have some other things to do. I can get up and get that shit done before I go to the dentist. While I am getting all de-plaqueified (is that even a word??) the stuff at home can cure. When I get home it should all be done.

Or I can be a total bum and sleep till 1 PM. Pretty much a 50/50 chance of this happening.

And what is it that I need to do? Finish the boat project.

1. Let out all the anchor line. Remove the old shackle holding the anchor onto the chain. Replace it with the stainless steel swivel I bought. Mark the line off every 25 feet with orange spray paint. Then bring the line back in with the windlass.

2. Fish the fish finder transducer cable through the boat. This will be easy because I can use the old transducer cable to pull it through.

3, Install the new fish finder. Hook it up to power and the GPS.

4. Glue the bilge pump plates back into the bilge. This will involve having to towel dry the bilge to make the silicone stick.

I am thinking I can get number 1 and 4 done before I go, and start with number 2 and 3. It all depends on how much of a bum I am.

Ill update everyone to the amount of blood and chunks of bloody stuff I spit out into the little sink thing by the dentist chair. I might take some cell phone pictures! Fun fun!

Magical Liquid

Every boat show there are a few booths selling a magical product. The guy in the booth spends all day showing other people how great the magical product works. They claim it can do anything! And then they show you just how well it can do anything.

One year I bought some magical glue. The demo guy would glue all sorts of things together, then hand it to you to try to pull apart. What kind of things? Steel bolts. That was pretty neat. The guy would glue two bolts together, and you could not pull them apart. At all. The guy also took an automotive belt and cut it, then glued it. Then handed it off me and said "pull the belt apart". It could not be done.

So I bought the glue. It smells a lot like regular super glue - but the guy claimed it was not. Anyway I tried to use it and it did not work as well for me. Maybe I used too much? Whatever. The stuff is still in the fridge, and supposedly still good.

Another year I bought some "Rescue Tape" stuff. This magic tape does not have any adhesive on it. It sticks to itself. It is this rubber like stuff. You stretch it, and then it grips itself when it tries to un-stretch. The guy selling it claims it can be used to repair any engine hose, fuel line, or whatever. It also makes a waterproof, blood proof bandage that will not slip off. That stuff works pretty good. I still have some left so I do not need to buy more. It works much better than electrical tape, it will not come unstuck in water.

I also bought a few pounds of these magical metal rods that you can use to "weld" aluminum using only a propane torch. The demo was impressive. The guy punched a hole in the bottom of a soda can and then patched that hole using the magical rods and a propane torch. The weld was stronger than the rest of the can. I bought the shit. When I tried the same thing at home I melted the can.

At the most recent boat show, I bought the last of the magical products. Orange TKO. It claims to be a do it all cleaning product. It is a degreaser. It is a stain remover. It repels mosquitoes. It removes tar. It is a glass cleaner. It eliminates septic tank stench. You can dump it in your RV or boat fresh water system to remove bad odors and taste from the water (you can still drink it), it gets rid of skunk stench, it cleans your bilge, it gets rid of pet stains, and so on.

So how does the shit work? Well I do not know yet. It cleaned the funk out of the tub. I put some on the couch and it did keep the cats off it, for about 24 hours. It DOES repel mosquitoes. I have not had a chance to test its use as a degreaser yet. But it worked great in the demo.

The stuff is distilled orange peel extract. All natural and no harsh chemicals. As an insect repellent you spray it directly on your skin - full strength. You stink like an orange for a bit then that goes away - with the mosquitoes. So far so good.

So if you are into magical "all in one" cleaners, and want to get rid of all those nasty harsh stinky toxic chemicals, you may want to track down an Orange TKO dealer in your area. Or order some through the mail. Then let me know if the shit works for you.

Break Out Another Thousand

I need to hit a lottery prize. Seriously. This boat is killing me. No matter what, it will never be outfitted.

Today I got the fish finder sonar thing in the mail. And I got the replacement bilge pump switches. So that should be it! I mean I have the sonar thing, the GPS chart plotter, a VHF radio, working bilge pumps, an anchor windlass, the rail mount stainless steel BBQ grill, and so on. What more could I get? Glad you asked!

1. Custom T-Top
2. full canvas enclosure
3. Marine radar
4. Repower - a 150 Optimax would be sweet. I could go faster.
5. 100 watt loudhailer / airhorn
6. 4 channel amp
7. separate single channel amp for some water ripple producing bass
8. Underwater LED lights and cool multi color LED courtesy lights.
9. Other shit???

Seriously, this is getting bad. I do not need ANY of the above crap. Except for the full canvas enclosure. That would rule. I could convert the open boat to a semi-cruiser in short order. Bad weather looming? Rain on the way? No problem - set up the canvas and chill in the dryness. Or what if I want to overnight? Set up the canvas and bust out with the air mattresses (AKA floats). So I will probably get the canvas enclosure one day.

The T-Top would be nice because the attachment point if the center console / deck. Nothing on the gunwale like is the case with the Bimini top. People who fish like t-tops because you can walk all around the boat while fighting a fish and nothing gets in the way of the rod. But a t-top also gives me places to mount the VHF antenna, the all around white light (keeps it from shining in my face at night and makes it easier for others to see), the red/green side lights (currently mounted on the outside of the hull on either side, getting them higher will make them visible from a further distance), and make a good strong rigid place to attach the full canvas enclosure to. Also I can get a t-top electronics box for additional overhead dry storage. So I would like to get this one of these days.

The radar I really do not need. I have no room for it now. I would need to get the t-top first. Having radar is really nice when out at night or when visibility sucks - but I am not usually out at night. And never out in fog and shit. So I will probably never get radar. UNLESS I start to do a whole lot of night boating. And I do not see that happening.

Repowering is not on the table either. The current engine runs awesome, and is super on fuel. I might use 50% of the fuel the old boat used. It is not really fair to compare fuel consumption straight up. The new boat is a catamaran, the old boat was not. The new engine is less power AND uses new technology. But the expense of getting another engine for just a little gain in horsepower (15 hp) and the little bit of top end speed - the cost is just not worth it. Not at all. This would be a HUGE expense - enough to buy all the other stuff on the list.

I already know what loud hailer I want. The "marine" hailers are a measly 30 watts and cost insane amounts of money. Oh yea, they have pre-programmed fog signals and shit - but when am I ever out in the fog? The PA I want is 100 watts and also has an airhorn. It is pretty much the same thing cop cars have - minus the siren sounds which I have no use for. I need a sound producing device anyway.

The 4 channel marine amp is not really something I need either. I still do not know how loud the 4 speakers I have will be once I get the stereo installed. It may be loud enough without an amp. The amp would just drive the speakers better and probably give a better sound. Thats all.

The separate single channel amp for thundering bass may be required. Once again, it all depends on what the current setup sounds like. I only have 6.5 inch speakers. Not really big. A single 10 or 12 inch sub with some power behind it would probably scare away fish for miles with the low frequency vibrations it would put into the water. But I never catch any fish anyway.

The underwater lights are really just a vanity thing. I think they look cool. And supposedly they attract fish. But mostly they look cool. The multi color courtesy lights are more functional. White for full vision (like when you are at the marina dock), red for night vision (red light does not screw up your night vision like white light does) and blue just because it looks cool. I will start off with the courtesy lights and maybe get the underwater lights if I feel like it.

The above listed crap that I decide to get I will try to get over the next year or two. No big rush.

And now for your viewing pleasure, this music video featuring a hot babe! You can listen with the volume turned down, but the song is pretty good so I would keep the sound on.

Late Post

Hey better late than never. Or something like that.

I hope everyone enjoyed the video I posted Saturday. Jane never did show us her lovely maracas. I am still disappointed in that. I like percussion instruments. Not even a peek at her tambourine. Who invites someone to play with their maracas and then does not bust them out?

Friday I was up late. Really late. I was hanging out with some friends and did not get home till 2 AM. I got to sleep at around 6 AM, and had to get up at 9 AM to go to the Miami Summer Boat Show. It was a small show compared to the Miami International Boat Show (which claims to be the largest boat show in the world), but big for a "small" show. LOTS of nice shit there. Glacier Bay had a really sweet power catamaran that I saw, but I did not have $208,000 on hand. I could have probably talked that price down a little bit.

But whatever. That is not what is important.

On the way home from the show, I got hungry. And a little thirsty. So I met up with a friend for chicken wings and beer. When I got home it was around 9 PM. I pretty much went straight to sleep. Chicken wings make me sleepy.

I was at the show for at least 8 hours. I had to stand in a booth to hand out information for 6 hours and then spend a few hours walking around looking at shit. I wanted the company that makes the LED underwater and courtesy lights I want to get to me there. But they were not. They suck. But I still want their underwater LED lights and cool three color LED courtesy lights.

In other news - I solved the mystery of the boat bilge. You see, the new boat has TWO bilges. This means two bilge pumps, and two automatic float switches. After buying the boat I discovered that the pumps did not work in automatic mode. Something was wrong. The port side pump just would not work in automatic mode. The starboard side not only would not work in automatic mode, but the helm lights started to do funky things. Like flash on and off and stuff. But they both worked fine in manual mode.

Now usually you just remove a hatch and get access to the bilge pump. No problem.

EXCEPT with the new boat, thew bilge access hatches are on the sides of the splash well. And there is a solid fiberglass bulkhead blocking access from behind the pumps. From the access hatches, it was VERY HARD to reach the pumps. The hatches were too small, and the distance too great, to make it comfortable (or even possible) to work on the pumps in the bilge.

And thus the mystery. How the hell did they install the pumps in the first place? Did they put the pumps in BEFORE they put the top of the boat on? Sure did look like it. And how do I get to the things? Cut a hole in the bulkhead? That was idea number 1. I can get to the back of the bulkhead easy. So cut a hole in that, and getting to the pumps would be easy. Then just install a round hatch where the hole is and be done with it.

But today I was looking at the problem again. And upon careful observation I noticed that the pumps seemed to be mounted on some sort of plate, and not directly to the hull. So I reached in and grabbed the pump housing. A little pull and I could feel something ripping loose. Turns out the pumps are mounted on a fiberglass plate, which was attached to the hull by some weak sealant. Strong enough to hold everything in place, but not so strong it could not be broken loose. The plate peeled right off the hull, pump and switch in place. The power wires were very long, hanging from a screw off the bulkhead and neatly coiled and held in place with nylon straps. A few snips and the wire was uncoiled, giving more than enough slack to pull the pump, switch, fiberglass plate, and everything clear out of the bilge and into daylight.

Turns out that the BOTH float switches are bad, and the connections are also bad. The pumps work fine. So I need new float switches, and I need to redo the connections. Then I need to goop the fiberglass plates back into the bilge. Then everything will be working the way it is supposed to.

This post will remain in place until Tuesday. Seeing as how it is all late and stuff.

Free Shit

Here is a tip I got from reading comments left to this blog.

FROSTWIRE. Google it. Download it. Install it. Get free shit. All sorts of free shit. Frostwire looks a lot like Limewire, but seems to work better. Get audio files, video files, documents, pictures, programs, and whatever.

I am suspicious of what one would find by searching video and picture files. Really. Now what video files might one look for on a P2P network? This totally baffles me. But if I had to guess, and this is just a shot in the dark really, I would guess PORN. Probably lots and lots and tons and terrabytes of porn. But that is just a guess. I am probably wrong. Maybe people are downloading innocent stuff like this. I promise it is not dirty. Unless YOU are the pervert with the dirty mind.

Gotta love 1970s British "childrens" TV shows. That naughty BBC! Pretty funny however. The censors must have been REALLY high. But you know, England is really close to The Netherlands, and everyone knows that in Amsterdam you can get some of the finest pot on the planet. If you can not get stoned out of your gourd in Amsterdam, you really did not try hard enough. Ask the cops where the best pot is - they will point you to their favorite coffee shop.

Anyway - so now everyone knows about Frostwire. But the video file posted here is from You Tube. They make it easy to post videos. The video has nothing at all to do with Frostwire, I just thought it was funny as shit and wanted to post it. I have been waiting for a reason to post it for some time now.

Guttermouth made a bunch of stuff that is an excellent candidate for future Iguana Music features. Stay tuned. But for now the Iguana Music remains the same.

Boat Launching Lessons.

Lets say you have a really nice boat. Not something you haul around on a trailer, but something REALLY nice. Several million dollar nice. Something like this.

How do you get it in the water? It is built on land you know. At some point it has to be put into the water. So how do you do this? Well there is a right way and a wrong way.

As usual, all photos can be clicked to view the full size photos. The full size photos are all under 150kb.

Looks good so far! Here we see the yacht on a lift. Notice the propellers in the back of the boat. Those are important. This is how large boats are put on the water. Using straps and a lift.

Huston, we have a problem! Someone screwed the pooch here BIG TIME! Notice the TWO guys in the stern. Can't see the dudes? Click the picture to see the larger photo. This was NOT supposed to happen. The boat either slipped off the front strap OR the front strap broke. Either way, this is an excellent example of the WRONG WAY to lower a boat into the water. Do not do this.

HEY! Remember the two drive units and propellers from the lift photos? Where are they now! Where did they go? Good question. My best guess is that as the front strap broke or slipped or whatever, the back strap caught the rear drives. The weight of the boat then caused the drive units to get ripped off the bottom of the hull. MAJOR damage there. Of course, the boat floating bottom up indicates massive damage. This boat is done dealing. Between the ripped out drives, and the water damage, I doubt it will ever float. By the time the damage is repaired, the repair bill may be more than what you could get by selling the thing.

And here we see the gas leaking out (notice the slick around the boat) and the two dudes being rescued.

By the way, this was a brand new boat being put into the water for the first time for the Dubai Boat Show. Ouch!

The Scabies

It seems the funk is going around. Someone I know who lives in Miami is confirmed with the Scabies, and I suspect that someone I know only electronically MAY have the scabies. Or mumps. Or hives. Or some manner of mystery funk.

I blame the hippies. Really. Before the person I know from Miami (who seems to have good hygiene) got scabies - the ONLY people I heard of getting them were hippies. Grateful Dead following, VW Bus living, forest dwelling because they can not afford a decent hotel room, patchouli oil wearing, no bath in 6 months HIPPIES! Who else gets covered in mites and does nothing about it?

So I have new Iguana Music for the occasion. Yes - I really do have music for anything. check it out. I went through A LOT of trouble.

Now I will bitch about the stupidity that is I-Tunes and that digital rights management BULLSHIT! Why can't I just get MP3 format? That is what I want. But nooooooo. I-Shit wants to sell you some funky M4P file. And you can ONLY play it through I-Tunes. And only on computers that I-Tunes lets you play it on. And then if you want to dump it to an MP3 player? Better have the I-Pod shit that supports that funky ass M4P digital rights management BULLSHIT file! Yup!

So here is what I did. AFTER fighting with the computer for several hours. Yes, it became a challenge. Could I get around the digital rights shit? And where the hell are MY digital rights? Huh? I have a cheap ass MP3 player. It does not support any of these funky formats. So what - I have to buy another player so I can listen to crap I buy? HELL NO!

First I tried downloading some third party software that claimed to convert M4P to MP3 files. Well something I installed locked the shit out of the computer. The windows task manager would say the CPU usage was at 100% and nothing would run. Then everything would crash - EVEN the task manager!

So after restarting over and over and getting pissed off, I remembered safe mode. So using safe mode I was able to uninstall all the shit. Then the computer worked again.

So I get to thinking. What if I want to listen to my I-Tunes on a real stereo? Or in my car? Can I burn a M4P file to standard CD audio format to play on any CD player? YES I CAN! I-Tunes has this feature.

Well now this is retarded! The music industry is getting all pissy because I-Tunes is dumping DRM, but the DRM is actually VERY EASY to get around yourself! Here is what you do. It works - and you probably do not need to DL jack.

1. Using I-Tunes, create a play list.
2. Using I-Tunes, BURN that play list to an audio CD.
3. RIP the audio CD using Windows Media Player or whatever else you have.
4. Get those "protected" files in MP3 format, totally unprotected. The MP3 files you end up with will play on ANY device or computer. None of this "you can not buy the cheap MP3 player to listen to your music" bullshit.

Anyhow - enjoy the anti scabies Iguana Music. Unless you HAVE scabies. In which case you will be itching something horrible.

Four Easy Boating Lessons.

I have learned a significant amount of things since I got the 18 foot boat a few years ago. There is a learning curve to boating. You make a few mistakes, but as time passes you make less and less mistakes. As for me - I know where EVERY shallow spot in Biscayne Bay is - from the Stiltsville finger channels to well north of the 79th street causeway. Why? I hit em all at least once. But no damage was done to the boat and I learned where the shallow areas were. So now I can avoid them pretty good.

But how does this help you if you decide to get into boating? Well if you live in the Miami area I can tell you where the shallow spots are. But what if you just want a few general tips? I put together a collage of 4 valuable boat lessons you can put to use right away, no matter where you live!

In this video, we see why is is VERY IMPORTANT to know if the draw bridge operator is drunk / stones / high on prescription drugs. It is also good to know the clearance of your boat. What happened here was the bridge tender fucked up really bad. He screwed the pooch in a massive way. You can see the bridge is being LOWERED on the boat. This should never happen. But now this boat operator knows to not pass under a low clearance bridge is the bridge tender is smoking crack.

There is a myth that sailboat captains are more knowledgeable than us lowly beer drinking guzzling power boaters. Sailboats require finesse. Sailboats require more boating skill. If you are not sure of a local channel and see a sailboat in it, you can simply go slow and follow the sailboat and you will be fine. And if that sailboat has TWO main masts? Even better! He must really know what he is doing! Right?

Wrong. In this case we see what happens when a "knows what he is doing" sailboater decided to cut in front of a large, heavy, unable to maneuver and constrained by draft freighter. CRUNCH! So do not assume just because it is a really nice sailboat that the person at the helm is not smoking crack. In fact, the more expensive the boat the more money the owner has - and the more likely it is that he/she can afford the REALLY good shit. So watch out.

Here we see why you need to pay attention when dropping the anchor. It is really not that hard of a procedure. Anchors are by design not very buoyant. They mostly sink. Which is good, because you WANT the anchor to sink. The procedure is to check to see that the area you are about to drop in is clear, and/or get the F out of the way of a boat about to drop anchor. Someone in this video forgot to do that.

And lastly, you should never accept a tow from a helicopter. Unless you just want a good laugh. Give the helicopter PLENTY of line, and crab a video camera quick. Crack open a beer and sit back for some good times. Do not forget to rescue the crew in the aircraft.

So there we go. Four free and easy boat lessons you will NEVER forget! Lets review!

1. If the draw bridge operator is drunk or smoking crack, find another bridge to pass under.

2. Do not assume that just because someone is in a nice double mast sailboat he knows that the hell he is doing. He may be more clueless than you!

3. Do not EVER position your boat under the anchor of a much larger ship. Nothing good can come from this.

4. AVOID helicopters. They are trouble. Of course if you are calling for a rescue and the Coast Guard sends one of their helicopters then do not avoid that. It will not try to do anything stupid. But if the helicopter is not from the Coast Guard - it is best to not get too close to it. Unless you want a chuckle, and feel like rescuing an air crew.

Oh yea, even if the chopper pilot did provide more lift so as to not crash, it is very possible the cleat would have been ripped off the boat. Or if it was a lifting cleat the boat could have been lifted up, throwing people overboard or causing injury. Towing a boat with an aircraft is just an all around STUPID thing to try. That pilot should be drug tested by the FAA.

Music For All Occasions.

There is new Iguana Music. I put it up for one regular reader who may have to lynch a former landlord if the landlord tries to bogart the security deposit. Because we can. You know we can. Let's lynch the landlord man!

Except in this case it is a landlord lady. But whatever. Maybe "Bitch Better Have My Money" by Easy E, AMG, and DJ Quick would have been better. But that song is not really about landlord issues.

I have Iguana Music for almost any occasion. Really. I have downloaded / ripped a bunch of crap. Really. And if I do not have it, I can probably find it.

Now maybe someone will share the secret to keeping stainless steel all nice and pretty. I have been using fresh water. There is also metal polish and even wax. But so far I have found that what is better than all that crap is to wash the stainless steel down with fresh water every time it is exposed to salt water.

And do not buy that polished stainless steel shit. Because then you have to keep it polished. And that is a pain in the ass if you have a lot of it. My boat does not have a lot of stainless steel. but it is there. The propeller, the bow rails, the grab rails on the center console and helm wind screen, the handles by the swim platform ladder, and the swim ladder. It sounds like a lot, but it really is not. However I am lazy and do not enjoy polishing metal very much.

So I prefer the matte finish. The metal is not as shiny. So this means my lazy ass can get away with not messing with it very much.

The new BBQ grill however is VERY shiny. Some asshole decided to design it that way. Probably someone in marketing. Some asshole in marketing TOO STUPID to realize that water spots and salt deposits show up better on shiny surfaces. Oh yea and then there is the heat problem. Metal with a highly polished finish gets dull when you get it hot. And BBQ grills, by default, tend to get a little hot. Here is how this decision was probably reached.

ENGINEER: Look at this great new product I just designed.
MARKETING ASSHOLE: Ohh that is neat! We will sell a bunch of them! By the way, what is it and what do you use it for?
ENGINEER: It is a BBQ grill. For boats. You use it to grill stuff. On your boat.
MARKETING ASSHOLE: Very cool. But you need to make it shiny. People like shiny things. We will sell more of them if it is shiny. Marketing research proves this.
ENGINEER: But making it shiny cause other problems. It will get dull as soon as you use it and water spots will show on it. Customers will have to keep polishing it all the time.
MANAGER: So what? Once they buy it I do not give a crap what they do or don't do with it. And marketing is right! People like shiny things. I like shiny things.
MARKETING ASSHOLE: Yes. Shiny....shiny....shiny.....
ENGINEER: I am leaving early. Is that OK?
MANAGER: shiny....shiny....shiny.....
ENGINEER: Ill take that as a yes.

What do you want to bet it went down just like that?

So yea, I need the secret of keeping stainless steel all nice and whatever. And no smart ass answers like "don't touch it" or "don't use it" or "don't get it near saltwater".

I need to take a picture of the grill. It is pimp-tastic. While it is still all nice and shiny because it has never been used or taken near saltwater. Which may happen Friday.

I wonder if I have any Iguana Music relating to this?

My Beer Is Alive, With The Sound Of Fizzing. And Yeast If It Is Unfiltered.

DOE RE MI BEER
by Homer J. Simpson

DOUGH... the stuff...that buys me beer...
RAY..... the guy that sells me beer...
ME...... the guy... who drinks the beer,
FAR..... the distance to my beer
SO...... I think I'll have a beer...
LA...... La la la la la la beer
TEA..... no thanks, I'm drinking beer...
That will bring us back to...

Empty Beer Mug

D'OH!!!!

So I found some new summer drinks. Now stay with me here, things are about to get a bit strange. But trust me. I would never steer anyone wrong.

1. Beer Lemonade. What you need for this highly refreshing summer drink is beer, and some lemonade. Cheap beer works best. I used Yuengling. This is a classic American Lager. It works pretty good for this. Anyway pour roughly half the beer in a pint glass, and then add a 4 or 5 ounces of lemonade. It is actually pretty good. The lemonade goes very well with the Yuengling. You can try your favorite American Lager with lemonade.

Now for the strangest thing. But once again, it is better than it sounds like it is going to be.

2. Red wine and Coca-Cola on the rocks. For this you need a collins style glass (12 ounce tumbler is fine), ice, cheap not so good red wine, and Coca-Cola. Fill the glass with ice. pour the wine in till the glass is half full (does not take that much wine, the ice takes up a lot of room) and then fill with Coca-Cola. Poke the ice cubes with a fork or your finger or whatever is handy to mix the wine and soda.

Really. It is good! Kind of like a wine cooler but not really thing. You do not want to use good wine here. You want to use an OK wine. Or even a slightly bad wine. Leave a bottle open too long? Wine oxidized? No problem! Bust out the ice and soda! Problem solved. As long as the wine is not vinegar.

It makes for a light, refreshing, different sort of summer drink. And be careful - you CAN get tossed.

Apparently, this is more common in Europe than here in the USA. Really. Try it and see for yourself. If you want.

The beer lemonade thing might be great for the boat. It really slows down your consumption rate. But it would require me to bring cups on board, and that is a pain in the ass. So I may not do it.

I am out of Goldfish crackers. Crap.

Awake

I had almost forgot to post something. You see, most of the time my posts are VERY early in the morning. Or maybe it is very late at night? I guess it depends on how you look at it.

You can tell something about my schedule by the post times. When you see a time a few minutes after midnight, it means I made the post at 10 or 11 PM and then changed the time so that it shows up for the next day. Otherwise, the time is when I started to create the post.

Sometimes the post time is in the afternoon. This happens when for whatever reason I do not post before 4 AM. In this case the next day I have either nothing to do, or something to do. If there is nothing to do I sleep late. REALLY late. If there is something to do, then I get up and do it. Either way, I post in the mid to late afternoon.

So what does all this bullshit have to do with anything? Well today I WAS sleeping. And I had not posted. So the little gray kitten decided to warn me by attacking my face. Little kitten teeth chomping on your nose is the best alarm clock ever. There is no snooze button. You push the cat away and 20 seconds later he is back.

So I am up now. I might as well turn on the TV and get a beer now. Cause at this point I had about 5 hours of sleep. I will probably not get right back to sleep. Not with Skipper here thinking that is play time and human body parts are toys. Knowing me, and not having anything of major importance to do today, I will probably go back to sleep in an hour or two. Lets say I go back to sleep at 6 AM. I will not get back up till 2 PM.

Right back to a night schedule. If I had something to do then I could just set the cell phone alarm clock and be done with it. But if I know I have nothing to do, then I just turn off the alarm. You can not fool yourself. If I had something to do then no problem. The alarm would go off and I would wake up and say many foul words and then go off to do whatever it is that I have to do. But I don't.

Barry is gone. It hit Tampa Bay. This is south of the center line from the map yesterday. My prediction that the cone would shift south and that landfall would not be that far north was correct. The storm was weak, making landfall as a tropical storm but quickly going to a tropical depression. Parts of the State that was very dry got rain. More rain is needed however. A lot more rain. The big lake water level only went up .01 feet, but this figure will increase as drainage from the rains makes its way south to the lake.

Next week the winds will go away (FINALLY) and the seas will be calm again. So I can try to go fishing for some of them dolphin. But I will probably not catch any of the bastards. One of these days I will, but it will not be due to any kind of fishing skill.

I also found the rail mounts for the new boat BBQ grill. So I am all set for summer boat season. No more cold cut sandwiches or having to find a dockside restaurant for lunch! Now I can cook my own cheeseburger. Or whatever.

And It Begins

So June 1 was the first day of the 2007 Atlantic Hurricane Season.

And on this day, Tropical Storm Barry formed in the Gulf Of Mexico! It is going to hit Florida. Of course. The first named storm of the season formed a few weeks ago, before the official start of the season. It kind of fizzled, but still produced the perfect amount of wind to fan the Florida wild fires - and NO RAIN to put them out. How about that.

Anyway, the 11 PM update had this thing with a 15% chance of going to a category 1 hurricane and a 15% chance of it downgrading to a tropical depression. The 2 AM update has the storm with a 5% chance of going to category 1 status, but it also reduced the probability of it downgrading. So therefore it is safe to conclude that Florida will get a moderate strength tropical storm. Not too bad really. Nor Easters can be just as strong, or even stronger. And from all apparent evidence, this storm will bring rain. That part of the State needs the rain. So while this is going to be a pain in the ass for people, it is going to be more good than bad. At least I think so. Property damage should be minimal for a tropical storm, compared to a category 3 or stronger hurricane!

Really the part of the State that could use the rain the most is the big lake. A LOT of rain needs to fall on the Kissimmee River Basin. This river feeds the big lake. The lake is in bad shape, navigation depth for the lake is under three feet now.

The track also shifted a bit in a strange way. The 11 PM map had the thing shifted slightly more to the north for the FL landfall, and more over water than land off GA and SC. It also had it making landfall at noon today. Not it has it barely inside the State at 8 PM. So it seems to be slowing down. This will cause a greater error track (AKA "Cone Of Death").

But the real important thing is the wind speed prediction forecast. The numbers say it is not expected to get any stronger. Or any weaker. The next update will probably be at 6 AM because of the proximity of the storm to land, but usually it would be at 10 AM.

I think the cone will get shifted more to the south. It is a possibility. I do not think it will be a drastic shift to the south, but I think that it will not hot FL as far to the north as the 2 AM map claims. Remember, I am talking about the center line here. Do not pay attention to that - ANYWHERE in the cone is where they predict the storm to be! So if I am right and the code does shift to the south, it means the prediction is good. A bad prediction would put the storm outside the cone of death by the time the maps are updated again. A lot of people make the mistake of just looking at the center line.

Look at the map and you can see how the NWS has already set up the shift to the south. See that blue line? Areas along that line are under a Tropical Storm Warning. People on this line should expect tropical storm conditions in the next 24 hours. Now notice how that line extends SOUTH of the cone of death, but not west of it? How about that. Now why would they do this?

Conflicting models would explain it. They are getting some models that say shift the cone to the south, but others say no. There could be other factors as well. The NWS is actually very liberal with warnings and watches. If there is any chance a storm could go somewhere they will issue a watch or warning. Watch and warning areas often stray outside the forecast cone of death. But when the warnings are not equally distributed (as in this case) it can mean a cone shift is likely.

A link to the Tropical Prediction Center of the National Weather Service is in the left sidebar, under Iguana Links.

In any case, this is not going to be that horrible. It could be a lot worse. This is a good reminder for everyone to not screw around. This storm will catch people off guard. People will not have shutters, and not have supplies. Some will, but I really think that most people - even those that have shutters -will not put them up. This thing just formed close to land quickly. Nobody had any time.

I hope this thing is cleared out by Sunday.