Saturday Post Madness

FOOD SHOPPING TIP! Everyone knows to come here for excellent beer buying tips. But how about food? Well guess what - I have some EXCELLENT food shopping tips.

But "happy cow" shit. Yes I said "happy cow" shit. You know, stuff from that "organic" dairy. What the hell is the name of it? I forgot. Organic Valley? I think that is it. Buy it. If you are buying dairy products and you can get that product from Organic Valley buy it.

But Lazy, it costs more!

Yes and no. Sure the price at the register is higher - but I am telling you, this is some good shit. First off, it never goes bad. I do not know what they do it it - but the milk will never spoil. I had some stuff that was a month past the expiration date and it was still good. Seriously. So it does not cost more because you will NEVER throw anything away because it is spoiled.

The first time I bought some I got the whole milk. The stuff tasted like half-and-half. So now if I want "whole milk" I buy the 1% milk. It tastes like whole milk. The Organic Valley half and half is like heavy cream. Really good stuff. Trust me here. Your "skim milk" will actually not taste like watered down shit anymore - and it is still drinkable weeks after it "expires".

I am a bad cat owner. Another week went by, and did I do beans about the fact Skipper has to be "fixed"? Nope. I was all like "screw it, Ill do it tomorrow". I even made a poster about it.
I have been working on this poster for months. Really. Months. Ill find a picture for it later.

This reminds me of an ex-girlfriend for some reason. She was loud, and bulimic. I had to keep saying to her "honey, keep it down".

I should end things with that joke, but I am not. I do not believe in the "quit when you are ahead" theory. Oh no. Better to wear out your welcome so you are never asked to return again. But really that is a great joke. It works on two levels.

And in other news, I managed to get all addicted to a TV show. Heroes. Now I have done a great job of not getting addicted to any TV show. Well except for animated network TV shows (King of The Kill, The Simpsons, American Dad, Family Guy). And Robot Chicken. That is a great show.

And since when did all TV shows become a serial mini-series? Seriously. What happened to shows like House, where if you miss a week or two it does not matter? The show begins with a problem, everyone figures out the problem, and then the show end. There. A whole story boiled down to an hour.

This is NOT how Heroes works. Each story lasts a whole season. You can not just start watching a season on episode 3 or 4 - or else you will not know what the hell is going on.

So I spent a bunch of time on Netflix watching the entire first season, and the first 2 episodes of the second season. But now I am out of "watch it now online" time and so I have to wait for the next billing cycle so I can watch episode 3 - whatever the most recent episode is. I tried to watch them online at other websites, but the video either loads too slow OR there are Korean or Japanese or some strange subtitles. Now this is not a big deal, except some characters speak Japanese, Spanish and French. So sometimes I need to see the English subtitles. The Korean subtitles are plastered over the English ones. So that is not any good.

Why must life be so complicated? I just want to watch a stupid TV show on the computer because I missed it when it was on TV. But does NBC keep more than the last 4 shows on their website? NOOOOOO. What a bunch of tards.

I get to go on a tour of the Hurricane Center today. This is always fun. There are no hurricanes going on right now so the place will not be that active. I swear that there is a back room in that place where employees can go to smoke pot. Talk about job perks. Who needs insurance if you have an employee pot smoking lounge. With a big ole bowl of Doritos and a HDTV and a PS3. This is why you only see two or three people "working". The rest are in the back room playing Guitar Hero.

I purchased 18 beers for Thanksgiving. 6 Sierra Nevada Pale Ales, 6 Sam Adams Winter Lagers, and 6 Sam Adams Black Lagers. I am down to 1 Winter Ale, 2 Sierra Nevadas, and 3 Black Lagers. I had some help. It will be time to resupply soon. Probably sometime next week.

Worst Gift Idea For Christmas 2007

So someone get you a shitty gift last year? Looking for some shitty gift revenge? YES?!?!

But Lazy, I do not want to make it too obvious! I can not give that jerk a flaming bag of dog poop no matter how much I want to! I want a terrible gift, but something that would look like a "real" gift!!

I hear you. The flaming bag of dog poop is better gifted as an anonymous gift. Then you can blame it on the poop in a bag fairy. And this trick is too old. Way too old. Everyone knows NEVER stomp out the bag. Except cranky old men and Sasquatch.

This one has a surprise ending that I do not remember seeing on TV. Sasquatch gets his revenge - Sasquatch style. Turn about is fair play after all.

So what do you get? Lets see here. Crappy revenge gift....don't want to spend a lot on it.....has to look "real"......I GOT IT! THE WEATHER CHANNEL CD!

Yes, the Weather Channel Smooth Jazz CD. The ultimate perfect crappy gift. Featuring such hits as "that shit they play during weather on the 8s", 6 times per hour at 8 minutes past the hour then every 10 minutes after that.

You get such toe tappers as "rain", "mist", "hurricane", and "holy shit is it raining frogs, this can not be good. I should probably repent or something but it is probably too late".

The local used CD store will not want to take this one in for trade. Whoever you give it to will be stuck with it. Unless they send it off to someone else, along with the fruitcake.

Genius Level Ideas

Well it is kind of late for this year - but plenty of time for next year. The perfect Halloween costume. This guy is a genius. And even when it is not Halloween, this guy could help lower health care costs. His not so high tech machine looks like it could be constructed for less than $10.

It appears that his machine only uses visual detection methods. While this is a start, I think I can improve on the idea and add a tactile screening method as well as visual. I got a while to tinker with some designs. Halloween 2008 is a long way off.

But there are other ideas that fit into this time of year. Like my "mistletoe on a stick" idea. It is pretty simple. You get a stick, some string, and a sprig of mistletoe. Tie the mistletoe to the stick using the string so that it hangs a little.

Now you have mistletoe on a stick! At the holiday party you can use the stick to place the mistletoe over anyone at the party. And then cop a smooch.

Conversely, you can take a wire clothes hanger, some mistletoe, and a Santa hat. Now you can rig the wire hanger so it suspends some mistletoe over you. Then go talk to the hot chicks at the party. And cop a smooch.

NOTE - ALCOHOL IS YOUR FRIEND HERE. If there is no booze at the party, then it probably is not going to work. And what the hell - if it is an office party and you know some coworkers are hot.....what happens at the office party is soon plastered all over the company. You will be LEGENDARY. From that point on you will be "that guy in accounting who made out with all the hot single chicks at the company party". Songs will be sung of your deeds. Everyone will be in awe of you.

Or you will get canned.

This is why I like to keep a photocopy my ass on file. You never know when you may need to slip it into the company mail with a note explaining all the places someone can kiss when you are on your way out the door. Bonus points if the photocopy of your ass contains your frank and beans somehow.

Skipper, Box In A Box, Netflix, Porcupines In Love, Gift Ideas

Netflix is now 50% more evil. As it is now it is pretty evil. It makes it for too easy to waste a lot of time watching movies. I mean it could not be easier. The movies are mailed to you, you watch em, then mail them back. You do not even have to leave the house.

And now they have "watch it now" options! Not all the movies have this option, but there are a lot of selections that are available for instant viewing. Over the internet. I do not know how the hell it works, but you click "play it now" and in 30 seconds you are watching something. The quality is good enough and I have never had anything freeze up and re buffer. It is pretty slick.

So now I am watching the ENTIRE 1st season of Heroes. This is a really good series. I missed it when it was on TV, but I can watch it now.

The EVIL part is that you get sucked into it. You want to watch one more episode. Then one more. Then one more. It is hard to stop. It is kind of like crack.

RANDOM THOUGHT! I posted something about how a porcupine would be a horrible logo / mascot for toilet paper. You know, what with all the quills that break off and get stuck in you and all. So here is the thought. IF these quills get stuck in dogs and people dumb enough to mess with a porcupine - how the hell do those critters have sex?

Some of you asked for a Skipper The Cat update. He still has all his parts. I keep neglecting to call the vet to schedule the fixing of Skipper. It has to be done soon however. Otherwise he will get out into the backyard and then go off on an adventure and come home bear up. He is not very large. He will get his ass kicked worse than these guys in a biker bar frequented by Hell's Angels. And that is not the kind of ass kicking you want to get.

So what has to be done has to be done.

Someone should have done the same to ANYONE who wore anything like this in the 70s. I do not care how high you were, or how good those Quaaludes were. You should have known better. Holy shit.

So to save Skipper from getting the snot beat out of him - what must be done must be done. And also he seems to be pestering the girl cats more than usual. The girl cats are all fixed and as a result just do not want to put out. This is going to be another problem. If they would just give Skipper a little then there would not be so much trouble. He could mark off a territory (preferably OUTSIDE) and then that would be it.

But knowing that little shit, he will mark his area inside, and everything will stink something horrible. And the girl cats will not cooperate, no matter how much cat nip and fancy food Skipper brings them. It just is not going to happen. So the nuts gotta go.

Now to leave you all off with a music video! And it also doubles for a gift idea to all the hot chicks who may read this madness. But really - I do not know how many hot chicks read this. So if you know any hot chicks then you may want to send them this video, so they will get the great gift idea. Christmas is right around the corner you know



I think it was inspired by a Saturday Night Live sketch or something.

Writers Strike

Well I guess it is time for me to choose a side to be on regarding the writers strike.

It seems that the writers, those who actually PRODUCE content, want to be paid more. Something about "online content" or something. I don't really know.

The media executives, who produce DIDDLY SHIT, want to keep all the money for themselves. Really. When was the last time an executive wrote a joke? What the hell does a network CEO do anyway?

As best I can figure out, they just watch shows and then judge them. Well shit I can do that. But I get paid nothing to watch TV. And yes, I judge shows. If they are crappy I do not watch them anymore. If they are good I might watch them again.

TV shows have a way of spying on people. Somehow, they know what you are watching. Tivo tells on you. Other DVR devices might also snitch on you. Or they may install a snitch box on your TV that reports what you are watching to the ratings people.

And the executives then look at the ratings, compare them to ratings of other shows on at the same time, then decides if they should keep the show, cancel the show, or move the show to another slot.

Now seeing as how without writers actually producing content there are no shows - unless you just want more "crazy police chase" shows or "reality" shows where they take a bunch of morons and throw them into some totally artificial setting that they would NEVER EVER be involved with in real life and then film them trying to eat gross stuff - one would think that writers would be very well paid.

It seems they are not however. And so they are on strike. Hey executives - good luck getting people to watch re-runs next season! But the executives, being very highly paid, should be able to write a few jokes! Yes I am sure the Fox executives can write a season of "House" scripts. They can do that in their sleep! For they are all powerful executives, worth every penny of the millions they get paid. Right?

So get to it executives of America. You do not need anyone else. Fire your whole staff. Outsource everything. You can do it all. American Airlines CEO can not only sell you a ticket, he can also load your luggage onto the plane, fuel the plane, board all the people on the plane, fly the plane, and push the drink cart once the plane is in the air. He can do it all. Pilots? Flight attendants? Luggage chuckers? Who needs any of them.

Really. What the hell do you CEOs do? Why are you all worth millions, when the people who actually do the work that makes the company run are worth a whole lot less?

So there you go. Pay the writers more - or invent your own content. If you can. It is easy to create content after all. The hard job is what you do. And what is that again??

On Animals And Ass Wiping

So I was thinking. What animal would NOT be a good marketing device to use for the purposes of pitching ass wiping paper. And I came up with the porcupine. I do not think I would by therapeutic paper if it used a porcupine as a logo.

But someone would. People will buy just about anything. Now I know that many people are on a tight budget. But there are some things that one should just not cheap out on. Toilet paper is one of those things.

Skipper has a big week ahead. He does not know this, but he is going to lose some weight this week. Not much weight, just an ounce or two.

Or to be more precise - he is going to lose an amount of weight equal to the weight of two cat testicles.

If this is not done, he will be spraying things very soon. He also runs into the back yard sometimes. If he is not fixed he will start getting into fights and stuff. Skipper is not a very big cat - he will get his ass kicked. The cost of patching Skipper up after he gets his cat ass kicked is far greater than the cost of his weight loss operation.

Mysteries Of Marketing

I had to take some marketing classes on the college level. I did well, the classes were really easy. I would spend most of my time in the classes checking out chicks. The rest of the time was spent sleeping or thinking "this is all bullshit".

Now I know that somewhere on the internet there is a marketing major reading this and saying "you are wrong! Marketing is not bullshit!".

Well I say it is bullshit. All of it. And here is my evidence to prove my case. You are free to present whatever evidence you may have to refute my claim.

What the hell does a puppy have to do with wiping your ass? You tell me. Well go on! I am waiting! What is this ad trying to tell me? Cottonelle toilet paper is strong enough to support a lab puppy? I had one of those once and they are not little. Do you want to wipe your ass with what amounts to laminated wood paneling, or maybe fiber reinforced sand paper? Or that rip proof stuff used for mailing envelopes?

My case is made. Marketing is stupid. It is all bullshit. Puppies have nothing at all to do with ass wiping. Neither do bears.

Except for my bear joke!

A rabbit and a bear are in the woods. The rabbit sees a bear take a massive shit. The rabbit of course takes a lot of little shits. So the rabbit asks the bear "Mr. Bear, how do keep your shit from sticking to your fur"? The bear says "Good question" - then grabs the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.

But really, how would one advertise toilet paper? You do not want to see someone using it for its intended purpose on TV. Well maybe you do - but if this is the case you are a disgusting sick pervert. We ALL know what it is used for. So the marketing people think "hey I know! Puppies! We will use puppies to sell this ass wiping product!"

And I guess it works. Someone is buying enough Cottonelle toilet paper to pay for all those commercials.

Mystery Package

So today I get up, and go outside. And on the doorstep is a mystery package. From somewhere. And inside this box is a crazy assortment of stuff.

But first - MOVIE REVIEW. Been a long time without one.

Coffee And Cigarettes - a movie about conversations held over coffee and cigarettes. The conversations are all unrelated - but some common themes keep popping up. This is an independent film from a foreign director, but the dialog is in English. Except for a few words in French for one conversation. Bill Murray and two members of the Wu Tang Clan are also in the movie.

Night On Earth - this movie is from the same guy that did Coffee And Cigarettes. It is 5 short stories which take place in different cities at the same time. The 5 cities are LA, New York, Paris, Rome, and Helsinki. All the stories take place in a taxi cab. The LA story is about a young chick cab driver who has her life all planned out. The New York story is about a cab driver from East Germany trying to assimilate to American life, and a black guy who can not get any other driver to take him to Brooklyn at night. The Paris story is about a blind chick getting a ride home, the Rome story is great - it is a taxi cab confessional. The cab driver has some sins to confess. The Helsinki story is about three guys who are drunk and call a cab. One of the three men is having a really bad day.

Both movies are interesting, and both are similar. They are worth watching. Turn the subtitles on for Night On Earth after the LA and New York stories are over. The Paris story is in French, the Rome story is in Italian, and the Helsinki story is in Finnish or Swedish (both languages are spoken in Finland, the Country has two official languages).

Now back to the box! And just what kind of stuff is in the box? Strange things. This is the inventory of the entire box.

One Santa hat. Just in time. I did not already have one.
Two packages of Mentos - strawberry and green apple flavor.
A single dose packet of Imodium Advanced anti-green apple splatters medicine, to go with the green apple Mentos.
A packet of Alka-Seltzer, which may come in handy. That is some good stuff.
A little tiny screwdriver. Phillips head. Good for those screws in eye glasses.
Some crazy pencil sharpening / wind up flower device.
One Ring Pop. Strawberry. I did not know they still made those things.
Two cat theme refrigerator magnets.
A note pad with a shopping list already written on it.
Two Viagra (sildenafil citrate) pens.
A LED light with a clip that is in need of repair
the broken part of the clip that is in need of some super glue
Color Bright staples. They appear to be blue.
A motivational button that encourages people to reach for a rainbow today. Then taste it. Skittles - taste the rainbow (PS Skittles company now owes me $500 for the advertising plug)
A package of rattlesnake eggs. But there are no rattlesnake eggs in the package.
One garnet in the rough. Really cool. I think it was mined from Idaho.
Some tissue paper, apparently added for packaging material.

Pretty cool assortment of stuff. As part of the junk exchange, I already sent off something. The mystery item I send off should be arriving in the next day or two or three. Hard to tell with snail mail.

I may attempt to brave a trip to a store today. Just to see the craziness first hand. I did not want to go anywhere near a store Friday. I was going to go to Shark Valley for a bike ride - but then I got lazy and forgot about that idea. I would have to install the bike carrier, load on the bike, drive all the way out to Shark Valley, pay to get in as my annual pass is expired, unload the bike, ride the 15 mile loop, load the bike back up, drive all the way home, unload the bike, then remove the bike carrier. LOTS of work there. Maybe I will go Sunday. If I can motivate myself. It warmed up so I am thinking that the insects that fly around and feed on blood might be active. Not good. Shark Valley is best experienced when the flying insects are not around.

Doozie - This Is Bullshit

This post is all for one QZ Ba-Doozie. That's right - your very own post. You do realize that this is a great honor. I hope to get thousands of comments. I BETTER get an ass load of comments. Because it is not often that one gets a blog post about their blog. So don't hold out with the comments. Because only three comments is 100% bullshit. I simply do not tolerate bullshit.

Anyhow QZ, you ought not let douche bags dictate what you do. what proof does some douche bag have that your blog is actually written by you? None. Just do not put your photo on the blog. The asshole douche bag piece of shit can say whatever they want - it is a free country (for now - Bush is hard at work to fix this problem). But who cares? What proof do they have you are actually you? Make a new profile, do not include your name, do not say you live where you live (claim you live in Miami Florida - I will vouch for you), and do not include any photos of yourself. And then there is no proof you are you!

Keep in mind I am really an iguana who can type. And I am also an iguana with a larger vocabulary and better grasp of the English language than most Americans. Seriously. I am really an iguana. A lazy iguana. Can you prove otherwise? Not using my blog. I am very careful. Those who know me know me and know that my secret ID must remain secret. Those who do not know me have no idea who I am. Yes they may suspect I am who I am - but there is no proof!

So fuck them in the goat ass. Without proof all you have is shit. And shit does not float, unless you eat a lot of vegetables. If you eat a lot of vegetables your shit might float. Trust me - I know. I have done an experiment and not eaten ANYTHING made from animals for a whole month. Except beer. Beer uses yeast. But yeast is a FUNGUS and not technically an animal. The 5 kingdoms are animal. plant, protozoa, fungi, and monera. Animals are animals, plants are plants (anything with cell walls pretty much), protozoa (single cell critters like amoebas and paramecium and shit), fungi are fungus like YEAST and mushrooms and shit, monera are bacteria and viruses - if viruses are in fact alive. Bacteria lack a cell nucleus. If you are in the animal, plant, or fungi kingdom your cells have a defined nucleus where your DNA lives. If you are a member of the monera kingdom you can not read and your single cell does NOT have a nucleus.

What the hell was I saying? I totally forgot.

You see, I opened and drank an ENTIRE bottle of Spanish wine. I can not reveal where I got the wine from or who gave it to me. I used to be special. I am not special anymore. I liked being special. The fact I am not special anymore makes me sad. Very sad.

But what is done is done. No point in being sad about anything. One has to be very zen about bullshit. Go WITH the flow. Do not try to fight the river current.

UNLESS you are a salmon. If salmon said "you know what - I am not going to swim against the stream" there would be no salmon. They would have died out, Salmon MUST swim upstream - or else the species dies out.

I am a salmon. I feel like swimming upstream. To hell with everyone and everything.

You know what??? Fuck it. I have a bottle of wine from France. In fact, it was technically a gift from France. Not a person in France, or someone I know who visited France. But from France. As in the Nation of France. Kind of like how the Statue Of Liberty was a gift from France. I feel like opening it. And so I shall. Because I can.

And THAT is how I roll.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Light post today. Cause this is not really a huge blogging day. People are either working or hanging out with friends and/or family and whatnot.

Everyone is posting what they are most thankful for. Well I want to be different. So I will post what I am NOT thankful for.

And I am NOT thankful for the asshole who just drive past the house in some kind of monster truck blowing a TRAIN HORN. It is 12:30 AM here! Respectable people are trying to sleep. Not me of course, but other people. What a turd burglar.

You can safely assume I am thankful for everything else.

I can not say I will make my usual blog rounds today - so you came here and I said Happy Thanksgiving and everyone is happy! This way I do not have to go to a dozen or so blogs and type the same thing at each one. I could cut and paste - but that would be phony. It does not count unless you actually type it yourself. Otherwise, it is like getting someone a Hallmark greeting card and not writing anything in it - even using a rubber stamp to "sign" your name. Tacky.

So anyway without any more BSing around - HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Unless you are not in the USA. Canadian Thanksgiving is some other day I think??? I am not sure.

So Happy Thanksgiving / Happy Thursday November 22 / Friday November 23. There. I think I covered everyone on the planet - even those on the wrong side of the international date line.

Pre Thanksgiving Post

Welcome to my annual (not really - I think this is the first in the series) Pre-Thanksgiving post.

This year I am thankful for Publix. The deli is going to prepare the food this year. My parents had to bail out to Arizona and they just got back today. So nobody has shopped for anything.

So I said "Don't worry - Ill handle dinner this year". I have a turkey fry kit and a smoker grill and crap, so I could cook a turkey. And really - it is not that hard to bake one. You stick it in the oven, set the temperature, set the timer, then plop down in a chair on the porch and drink beer. Really hard there.

But what the crap. For $40 Publix will cook a 9 - 12 pound turkey, hook me up with some dressing, mashed potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, and whatever else I get for $40. What a deal huh?

All I have to do is remember to make it by the Public before it closes and pick up the food. And while I am there I might be out of beer so I will need more of that.

You all may remember Special Ed, the stocking manager at Publix. Well he must read my blog - but he never comments because....well he is special. Anyway I think he reads this blog because there is a bountiful supply of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale in the beer isle. Good job Special Ed! You get a gold star for this week. You can stick it on your helmet.

So I got a few things going on that are good. I got the food hookup, and there is plenty of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale at the store. That is a start.

But there are some other things that SHOULD be done - and they are not. This is not really that good. It seems that Special Ed's friend, Special Eddie, was put in charge of something somewhere. Can't really say much more than this - but those on the inside will instantly understand from the photo to the left. It is almost like the photo above - but there are some very important and significant differences. If you get it you get it, if you don't then you don't. Cant do much more than that. Special Eddie does not get a gold star for his helmet.

Oh yea - this is important. I UPDATED THE IGUANA MUSIC! Got it? Good. Cause I did. I updated the Iguana Music and this is a good thing if you like Devo, Aerosmith, Jacks Mannequin, Alanis, early Pink Floyd (with Syd Barrett), and.....TOTO! If you do not like any of the stuff I just listed - then you will not care. In fact, you may be less likely to check out the Iguana Music.

What the hell is Toto doing on the list???? I do not even know. Must be magic. Evil dark magic. I must have lost my tail - evolving up from little snails. I say its all just wind in sails. Are we not men? We are Devo! Are we not men? D E V O.

I am a pinhead now.

If you don't get it - you really need to queue up some Iguana Music and keep listening till you do.

And lastly, I have not informed anyone that I so plan to bail out on the family Thanksgiving dinner. I have alternate plans. Other places to go. Other things to do. I have a plan for the bail out however. Dinner with the family will be early because old people have to eat while the sun is still up. So I will have a light - very light - lunch with the family. And then bail out. While nobody is looking. I keep a life size full color cardboard cutout of myself in the truck for just these types of occasions. Nobody will notice.

I got invited to another dinner somewhere else. At a more reasonable time. And by "more reasonable" I mean not lunch time. All home cooked, and not from the Publix deli. Oh yea, I almost forgot the most important thing here - chicks will be at the other dinner somewhere else. I may have forgot to mention that.

Ill make more moves than Allied Van Lines. If you do not get that, you need to listen to "I Want To Be A Lifeguard". It is the first song in the Iguana Music list. I just like using lines from Blotto songs every now and then.

No really I won't. Cause that is not how I roll. I learned long ago that making a total ass out of yourself is not very helpful. I will not be like Allied Van Lines at all. I will not make an ass out of myself - even if that is my specialty.

The timing is perfect. It is Shark Valley weather again. Nice and cool. Shark Valley is a cool bike ride. Only 15 miles - so not that long. Taking it easy, anyone can ride it in 2 - 3 hours. My lazy ass has done the entire loop in about 1 hour riding time - but I did stop to check out the overlook. And then there is the main part of Everglades National Park - with a lot more areas for bike riding and even some cool kayak trails. With extra alligators. And maybe even crocodiles!

CPA

First off, why don't I ever have this much fun at the accountant's office?

When I go to the accountant, it is all boring and shit. Actually I do not go to the accountant. My parents do, and I could use their accountant for little or no charge. But I do the 1040 EZ thing anyway - so what is the point? Deductions? Don't I have to save receipts and shit for that? Hell no. You know what I do with receipts? I stuff em in my pants pocket then forget about them and then they end up as lint in the drier. If I think I might have to return whatever crap it is I just bought, I stuff the receipt in the truck center console, where the heat eventually turns the heat sensitive register paper black.

Twice a year I have to clean out the center console in the truck and throw a bunch of stuff out.

And my checkbook! Oh the checkbook. I do not even know where the hell that thing is. Who writes checks anymore? Its called "electronic bill payment". Use it.

I have a foolproof method to balance my checkbook. I go to the bank website, log in, and check my balance. Thats pretty much it.

And what is this bullshit about "charitable contributions"? Are you giving money to an organization because you want a tax write off - or because you agree with what they are doing? Well not me! I give freely to shit I feel like giving money to - without worrying about a tax write off.

Plus, I keep losing receipts and stuff. And it is not like I am giving away billions of dollars. I might have given away $50 this year. Maybe.

And if I try to deduct petty shit, I will not be able to use the 1040 EZ and I may need the accountant and so on. Oh yea, I also have to save receipts.

And that shit just is not going to happen. I am far too lazy.

Oh yea, a little about the video link. Syd Barrett was the original singer for Pink Floyd. He wrote most if not all of the band's early stuff. He took too much LSD and sort of flipped out.

Better Life Through Chemistry.

I think everyone should take chemistry. It is a good class. So if your kid is in high school, or going to be in high school - press them to do better in math, and encourage them to take chemistry. And if you are in college, do not be a pussy. Sign up for the basic chemistry lecture and lab.

See in chemistry class you learn important things that apply to real life. If you get to advanced stuff like organic chemistry you will have access to cool things like amyl nitrite - which on the street is sometimes known as "rush". Lab grade baby. The good stuff. Not some crappy contaminated street grade rush. You will also learn how to make cool things like LSD, methamphetamine, and all sorts of other stuff. You can make good money as a street chemist - until the DEA busts you and you end up in ass pounding prison.

So maybe it is a good idea to quit before you get to organic chemistry.

But you should take basic chemistry. On the college level, there are two basic freshman level classes that all science geeks must take. Sign up for those.

Now why is it important to take chemistry 1101 and 1102 (or whatever the crap the course numbers are)? Well you learn WHY it is important to NOT do stuff. Like mix ammonia and bleach together. If you read the label on cleaning products, it clearly says what NOT to mix the product with. Stuff that contains bleach says right on it "do not mix with ammonia". Why? Well in basic chemistry you would learn that:

2NaOCl + 2NH3 ---> 2NaONH3 + Cl2

Allow me to decipher this science geek stuff for you.

2 molecules of sodium hypochlorite (bleach) plus 2 molecules NH3 (ammonia) react to form some sodium/oxygen/nitrogen/hydrogen shit that is probably toxic plus chlorine gas.

Other things can happen too. You could even end up with other stuff, like nitrogen trichloride (explosive compound that also happens to be toxic) - and even possibly a compound used in rocket fuel. But you would probably need lab grade stuff for this - lab grade ammonia would be a gas, not a liquid.

The point is you should not do it.

So what did I do today? Well the cat box needed cleaning. I use clumping litter which is really good stuff. The cat shit is not the problem - it is the cat piss that will kill you. Cat piss is ounce for ounce some of the most vile stuff known to man. If you use regular litter you can scoop out the poo, but the piss just soaks in the litter and laughs the scooper. So what ends up happening is the pee soaked litter remains and continues to stink, even as the poop is removed. And Sake will not use an ugly box. She will find somewhere else to go.

The clumping litter creates piss balls. These piss balls are highly scoopable. The liquid wastes are converted to solid waste, which can be scooped out and discarded. I do not recommend flushing piss balls, as the litter will clog the shit out of your toilet. I put the waste into a plastic bag and then toss it in the garbage can. As a result, I buy less litter. The box stinks less. Sake uses the bathtub less often. I can de-piss the boxes, so the really horrible stuff is removed often.

But today - TODAY - I really pulled a good one. It was time to toss the litter. Even the clumping stuff can only be scooped so many times. So I get the garbage bag and dump box #1. Stuck to the bottom of box #1 are four piss balls. One medium size piss ball, the three smaller piss balls. I am in a hurry, so do I scoop them out for flushing or disposal?

Hell no. I figure I can just put some bleach in the box, the bleach will dissolve the clumps, and I can dump the liquid into the toilet and flush. Then the box will be clean and sanitary and germ free because nothing can live very long in bleach.

The problem is that cat piss (and most piss produced by animals with a backbone) contain....AMMONIA!

Bleach + Cat Piss ----> some horrible HORRIBLE gas

I put the bleach into the box, and instantly the piss balls start to bubble and hiss. So I think to myself "oh shit, that looks like a chemical reaction". And then it hits me. The whatever it was that was bubbling out of the piss balls. Chlorine gas? Who knows. Whatever it was the odor clung to my nasal passages and would not leave. Even after I went to Frankies to buy dinner, which happened to be a mushroom pizza.

It was horrible. And of course - this did not happen outside. I was inside. See what happens when you are lazy?

I should have known better. I took basic chemistry.

What NOT To Do On The First Class Food Cart, And Other Flying Tips

I stand corrected. You may remember from the last post that I discovered an apple pie in the freezer, and suspected my dad was going to attempt to fly from Florida to Arizona with it.

He did not. I called and asked. The pie is apparently still in the freezer. Now I do not know about you all, but I like warm apple pie better than cold apple pie. But it seems some people like it frozen.

I have learned not to ask too many questions. Questions can be scary. Or at least the answers to some questions can be scary.

But he did bring produce. Apparently, all the produce made it intact.

Their flight was uneventful. Continental did not loose any luggage. This means it was a good flight. By the way did I ever tell the Delta joke I stole from Carrot Top when I was forced to go see his show while in Vegas? NO!!??!! OK here you go.

Do you know what Delta stands for?

Don't
Expect
Luggage
To
Arrive

But things do not always go this smoothly at an airport. Things can happen - and when things happen they can get bad really quick.

Take the story I found about the Miami Shit Lady. This is pretty bad. And this story did not even happen inside an aircraft! No, this happened in the terminal. Probably Concourse C because that part of the airport is a toilet. Really - it is a dump. The plan is to tear it down. This may or may not have happened, I don't know. But the story of the Miami Shit Lady is funny and sad - both at the same time. The story is sad, you really feel sorry for the lady - but the way the story was written is just funny. So it is funny and sad, both at the same time.

But I found stories even better. Yes - better. Like the 100% TRUE story of Gerald B. Finneran who is an investment banker. This guy was flying from Buenos Aires to New York - a really long flight. Anyhow he got really extra super drunk. People should not get super extra drunk on an aircraft. They should stop at drunk, or extra drunk. I can even accept super drunk. But you cross the line when you get super extra drunk.

So what did Mr. Finneran do? Well like I said he got blotto. And then he wanted more, but the flight crew cut him off. So he starts helping himself to more booze. So get gets cut off again. And then he wigs out. He pushed one flight attendant, threatened another, then walked to the first class cabin and shit on the food cart. And then he wiped his ass with the linen napkins. In first class you get fancy linen napkins. But after reading this story - I would pass on the linen napkins.

But that is not the end of it! Oh no. After dropping a duce on the food cart and wiping with the linen napkins - he tracked his own handy work all over the passenger cabin of the plane. From the cockpit door to the tail - he tracked the shit over it all. Not this was just rude. I can understand taking a shit on the first class food cart, because they get really good food while you get cold fish heads. They get really nice seats while you get a plywood narrow ass seat with no leg room. So really if someone is going to crap on a food cart - by all means do it in first class. But tacking it into the coach cabin is just rude. As if flying coach that far is not bad enough!

But did the plane land early? It seems no. The plane continued to New York. Dinner service was obviously canceled. The cops were waiting for the guy when the plane did land - but if I were on that flight I would have strongly demanded that the plane divert to the nearest city - so that the shit guy could be removed and the plane set on fire to disinfect it.

And there are other wacky airplane stories at the above link too. Like the story of two people in business class falling in love during a 14 hour flight. They were seated across the isle from each other, and fell deeply in love. So they started to have sex. Right there in business class. The pilot had to pull them apart.

Now I have a sick sense of humor. If the chick was hot I would have probably yelled "sloppy seconds!". Just to see what would happen.

And then there are the stories that make you wonder just what the hell is wrong with people. In the case of the Miami Shit Lady she had an unfortunate accident. Very sad. In the case of drunken take a shit on the food cart guy - he was drunk. In the case of the people who had just met on the plane having sex - well sometimes you just have nothing better to do and you are bored. What else can you do on a 14 hour flight? Hey - might as well have sex. But there is NO EXCUSE to throw a soiled baby diaper at a flight attendant so that baby fecal matter gets into her hair and stuff.

But the last story is really good. And it does not involve excrement. It does however involve peanuts, which are often found in excrement.

For some reason, a drunken passenger began throwing peanuts at a well-built man across the aisle. The man was sitting with his wife, minding his own business. When the first peanut hit him in the face, he ignored it. After the second peanut struck him, he looked up to see who had thrown it. He threw a harsh look at the perpetrator, expecting him to cease immediately. When a third peanut hit him in the eye, he'd had enough. "Do that again," he warned, "and I'll punch your lights out." But the peanut-tossing passenger couldn't resist. He did it one last time. The victim got out of his seat, then triple-punched the assailant so hard that witnesses heard his jaw break. The plane was diverted to the closest airport and the peanut-tosser was kicked off.

And the guy who beat the crap out of the peanut tosser? It seems nothing happened to him. So if someone throws peanuts at you during your next flight - you can beat them up if you warn them first. This is helpful to know.

By the way, all the above stories (and a few more) were found at THIS LINK. Great stuff.

I have my own funny peanut story, that I shall post tomorrow. It is great.

Flying

I used to work for TSA. Those guys in the white uniforms with the cheap ass clip on ties at the airport who take away your fingernail clippers. Not that I waned your fingernail clippers, or that I thought your fingernail clippers were a threat to an aircraft. But if your clippers had ANY sort of a blade - no matter how small or dull - I had to take them. It was not up to me to decide anything. I had to do what federal regulations required me to do. I did not have to agree with them, I just had to follow them. It was that easy.

There was a list of items that everyone knew about. It could be summarized like this - if it is sharp, pointy, explodes, shoots lead, or can be used to beat the shit out of someone - it could not pass the checkpoint.

Clearly, some things were obviously not going with you in your carry on bag. Like a gun for example. Or a big ass OJ style knife. But how about a desk flag thing? No go. It had a heavy marble base, the flagpole was solid brass or bronze, at least 7 inches in length, and as thick as a pencil. The tip of the flagpole came to a spear point. It was a paperweight - but it could also be used to shiv someone. So no, you can not carry that thing on. Sorry.

And then there was the incident where I found a cam shaft. The thing weighed at least 20 pounds and was solid steel. It was a car part. It could be used to beat the living shit out of someone. But it passed. It was in the bag of the co-pilot of a South American airline. Hey - this guy already had access to the flight controls. The supervisor agreed with it, but we told the guy that in the future he needed to check his car parts, because they could be taken away.

During the time I worked for TSA I found a lot of strange stuff. People fly with the craziest thing. For example, I worked as a checked bag screener and a passenger screener. While working baggage on the morning shift, we would get bags coming from South America and going somewhere else. For a week or two out of nowhere we started to get dried fish and cheese bags. Really. Bags full of dried fish and stinky cheese. I knew they originated from South America (Paraguay mostly) from the bag tags. And I could also see where the bags were going.

The cheese bags mostly went to Wisconsin. WTF?!??! Did the people going there know that Wisconsin is the cheese capitol of the USA? Do you have to bring your cheese there? No, you do not. You can get all the cheese you want once you get there.

The dried fish bags would go mostly to Boston. BOSTON! There are no seafood markets there. Hell no. It is impossible to get fish in Boston!

The dried fish and cheese bags would stink up the bag screening room. And you would stand there, praying to all that is holy that the machine did not say that any of the bags had to be opened.

And that is not all! Once I found a voodoo bag. It was either coming from Haiti and going somewhere else - or going to Haiti. I forgot. But it was a voodoo bag. More like a box really. I opened the box and packed on top of the voodoo item was all sorts of crap. The voodoo item itself was a large metal pot, filled with magical dirt and moss and rocks and shit. Stuck into the dirt was what looked like tiny deer antlers.

But these were one time finds. But everyday, I would find strange shit that people were flying with. Or trying to fly with. Like food processors. Do you need a food processor on your cruise? Really. What the hell are you going to do with it? Puree something? Maybe grate some of your stinky cheese? Mind you, these were people who spoke English with an American accent (not international arrivals) and going to DOMESTIC locations. So what the hell? Are you going to process food on your vacation? And if it is a gift, I am sure you can buy the same shit in LA.

I would also find irons. Now most hotels that are not 1/2 star establishments provide irons and ironing boards for guests that ask. Usually for no charge.

But that is not all. Sometimes you would find really strange things. Things that just made you wonder how sane the person was. Things that you could never imagine needing on a trip. And the people would insist that they just had to have the item. Without it, the trip was ruined.

Now what does this have to do with anything? My parents have to fly to Arizona today. There was a death in the family and so they have to fly out on an unplanned trip. So being the family aviation security expert, my dad was asking me all sorts of questions - about things I am not sure about. Such as "can I bring mouthwash or will they take it away"? Hell if I know. Policies change all the time according to possible new threats.

So I make a suggestion. I say "book a direct flight, or else do not check anything". But this is a crazy idea, according to my parents. Why they HAVE TO check bags. Fine - do not listen to me. Let the airline lose your shit. The more connections, the greater the chance of you missing a connection or the airline losing your shit. And if TSA is going to take your spray deodorant? But STICK deodorant! Leave the spray stuff at home.

But no, this is also crazy. My dad pointed out he needs to pack a suit, and it will get wrinkled. But I have a garment bag that could be used as carry on that would work. And I happen to know that high level people travel with suits all the time without checking them. Somehow they never seem to get wrinkled. So it is possible. Or you can use the hotel iron.

But no - this is all too complicated. He just has to bring everything from here. TSA takes away liquids if they are not in a 3 ounce bottle. OK fine. You only need one thing of cologne. Mouthwash is cheap. So here is my plan.

Buy the shit that TSA would take away over there. Arizona has Listerine. And toothpaste. It is cheap. So you get there, buy small bottles of whatever you need, and if you do not use it all - leave it in the hotel room. This way you do not need to check anything, your shit does not get lost, and everyone is happy.

And then it gets better. My dad asks me if he can bring fruits. Of course you can bring fruit! You are flying domestic. USDA only checks fruits that are arriving to the USA from outside the Country. I figure he wants to take a snack along to munch on while waiting for the connecting flight in the DFW airport.

Not so. He wants to bring an ass load of avocados. Granted, these are Florida avocados, tree ripened and stuff. Probably much higher quality than anything you would find in the produce isle. Actually, you would never find these avocados in the supermarket, because they do not ship well. They are VERY soft and mushy. They bruise easy.

And he is going to FLY with them? He thinks that they will not be mush after the baggage chuckers toss them around, run them over with the luggage tug, drop them out of the aircraft, and so on? Or is he going to carry on the fruit?

It gets better. While snooping around in the freezer I located....an apple pie! A frozen apple pie. There is a sign on it saying "do not eat". Who the hell is going to eat a FROZEN apple pie? So I closed the freezer and did not ask any questions. Better that I not know he plans to pack a frozen apple pie on a cross country flight.

And while over there, I also saw the bags they are packing. You would think they are going to be going to Europe for 2 weeks - not Arizona for 5 days. Three days really, Friday and Tuesday are travel days. Whatever you wear to the airport Friday morning is what you wear Friday. By the time they fly in to Phoenix, rent the car, drive to Prescott, check into the hotel, unpack all the shit they are bringing (two LARGE bags, two smaller carry on size bags full of pies and fruit and whatever else, then two more boxes of stuff - the maximum amount of shit the airline will allow with an additional fee) there will not be a whole lot of time for anything more than a quick visit. Saturday is the memorial service. Sunday and Monday will be hang out days. Tuesday it is time to go home.

So now I know who packs strange shit with them. My parents. They pack strange shit. Pies???!?! I do not think I ever saw anyone trying to fly anywhere with a pie. But knowing my dad, he will figure out how to pack it so not even Continental Airlines can destroy it. Even if they try very hard. Now why he can not just buy a pie from a bakery in Arizona shall forever remain a mystery.

The sheer amount of shit they are bringing - for such a short trip - astounds me. What would they bring if they were going on a 2 week vacation? I do not even want to know. Nor do I want to know what wacky things my dad would pack. He is the king of wanting to bring everything with him whenever he goes anywhere.

By contrast, when I go somewhere I try to bring the least amount of shit possible. I do not want to check anything. If I can not carry it on, do I really need it? Probably not. On an international flight - I really do not want to check anything. Waiting for your bags to clear customs sucks.

What Would You Do?

OK what would you do? First, allow me to set up the situation.

You are at home. You have just finished driving home from whatever it was you were doing, and traffic was hell. It is the early 90s, so cell phones are still the size of a brick and expensive - so you do not have one. But you do have....A PAGER! Remember those things? You would call a number, enter another phone number, then hang up. After a minute or so, the number you just entered is sent to someone's pager, where they see it and then call you back.

What the fuck was that all about? I mean, obviously I do not have a phone on me or else I would not have the pager. So how am I supposed to call you back?

Anyway, this is not important. What IS important is that you have a pager clipped to your pants. And you have just finished driving home from someplace, the traffic was hell, you probably drank an entire Big Gulp during the drive - and you REALLY have to take a piss. I mean really have to take a piss - BAD.

So you rush into the house, blitz the bathroom, shut the door, drop trow, sit (you may have to crap too) and then relax. Ahhhhhhh. The pressure is relieved. Oh yea and lets say you also poo. I can't remember. But I do remember taking that piss.

OK, so now you are all done. And so you stand up. And pull up your pants. And then you hear a noise. A strange noise. It sounds sort of like your pager coming unclipped from your pants and falling into the toilet. So you pause. do you even want to look? You think about it and then look.

And there, at the bottom of the toilet, in the yellow water with the log floating in it - is your pager.

OK now what do you do? You can just flush and hope the pager goes down the hole and is never seen again. But then again - you need that pager because chicks MIGHT beep you. And if a chick pages you, it is important and you MUST return that call. I mean, she should be paging you for ANY reason! You may not call her back and so she pages someone else and you end up being the master of your own domain.

But do you REALLY want to stick your hand in there? It is all gross and stuff in there. Not as gross as the figure to the left, but still pretty gross. However, I suppose given the choice of using the toilet snorkel OR dying of smoke inhalation I would........hope the fire department can revive my ass. They are usually pretty good at reviving people. OK Fine. I would use the snorkel. There. But while being rescued I would toss the evidence (the snorkel) into the fire so as to destroy it. Nobody would ever know.

But back to the original question. What would you do? Stick your hand in there to get the pager, or just pull the handle and hope everything vanishes? It is gross, but it is YOUR grossness. At least you know where it all came from. It is not like it is from some random stranger.

What did I do? I just went in after it. It was strange, because I thought about all this stuff I just posted, but yet went right in for the pager. It was only in the toilet for a second or two. Yet, my brain had time to consider the pros and cons of going in after it.

I suppose I could have flushed and then gone in after it. But I did not do this. I rolled up my sleeve and just did what had to be done. Quickly.

And the pager was still working. I was fairly amazed by this, as I was not expecting it to work. But there it was, working. For about 30 seconds. Then the display went blank. But I had some 91% rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. So quickly I took the battery out, opened the beeper case, and stuck the guts of it into a paper cup full of alcohol. I swished it around in the alcohol so as to displace any water in there AND also to make the beeper not gross anymore. Did I fail to mention where I pulled it out of?

After that I found a small box and put the beeper into that - then used the hair drier to get the thing dry. The 91% alcohol dried up pretty fast. Once the electronic parts were dry I put the case back together, inserted the battery - and it worked!

I never did get paged that day. I could have just flushed it and bought another beeper the next day. I suppose I did save $50 or however much those stupid things were selling for back then. Oh yea the beeper was also my watch and my alarm clock. So I would have probably been late to something the next day.

$50 Iguana Fun Bucks (no actual cash value) if you can tell me what the hell this thing to the left is, and exactly how someone is supposed to shit in it? I could probably figure out how to pee in it, but there would likely be some splash over. I understand these are common in Asia. Just another good reason China should never be allowed to become a superpower, and also could explain why Japan lost WWII.

Blog Readability Ego

I was at this blog and I noticed a thing on a sidebar that proclaimed that the blogs reading level was "genius". Oh really? Genius huh? So I wanted to know what my blog readability rating was. By the way, some blogs are not at a "genius" level anymore, they may have slipped down to "High School Level".


What the hell? Elementary level? What the crap do I have to do here? Talk about natural law or something? OK!

The term "natural law" is ambiguous. It refers to a type of moral theory, as well as to a type of legal theory, but the core claims of the two kinds of theory are logically independent. It does not refer to the laws of nature, the laws that science aims to describe. According to natural law ethical theory, the moral standards that govern human behavior are, in some sense, objectively derived from the nature of human beings. According to natural law legal theory, the authority of at least some legal standards necessarily derives, at least in part, from considerations having to do with the moral merit of those standards. There are a number of different kinds of natural law theories of law, differing from each other with respect to the role that morality plays in determining the authority of legal norms.


There. That ought to raise my readability by a few points. And just in case this is not enough, how about a little Neo-Confucianism"?

"Neo-Confucianism" is the name commonly applied to the revival of the various strands of Confucian philosophy and political culture that began in the middle of the 9th Century and reached new levels of intellectual and social creativity in the 11th Century in the Northern Song Dynasty. The first phase of the revival of the Confucian tradition was completed by the great philosopher Zhu Xi (1130-1200) and became the benchmark for all future Confucian intellectual discourse and social theory. Especially after the Song, the Neo-Confucian movement included speculative philosophers, painters, poets, doctors, social ethicists, political theorists, historians, local reformers and government civil servants. By the 14th Century Zhu's version of Confucian thought, known as daoxue or the teaching of the way or lixue or the teaching of principle, became the standard curriculum for the imperial civil service examination system. The Neo-Confucian dominance of the civil service continued until the whole system was abolished in 1905.

Wow! I wish the civil service exams here were based on Neo-Confucianism! And what the hell - extend that to people running for office as well. Don't know Confucius from your ass? TOO BAD! Can't run for office. This would probably keep a few idiots from ever being elected. At least we would hope so. Test scores would be available to the public, so at least we would know just what the goober potential of the candidate is. As if we could not figure that one out just by listening to the debates. But that is another issue.

But then I got to thinking. Perhaps this is a good thing. I like to be concise. Say what you have to using the least amount of words. And because I am not this asshole, I do not find it necessary to use big words just for the sake of using big words. Really. This guy's act has boiled down to using a lot of big fancy words. That is all. And his fans think he is funny because they are also idiots and think that by laughing at his jokes other people will think they are smart and that they understand the meaning of the big fancy words. But his act has transcended comedy and seems to have ventured to the realm of right wing talk radio. This is good - because the guy has not been funny in decades. So now he can use all the big fancy words he wants, and his audience can continue to listen to him and think that this alone makes them sophisticated. Yea. As sophisticated as the slime that sticks to the bottom of a bucket of pig slop.

Now there is another thing that could be causing my elementary school reading level rating for my blog. The subject matter! Lets look at this week. Subjects included man DNA / why I feel the need to "improve" the 12 gallon aquarium I just got even though there is a good possibility my "improvements" will not really improve anything, why not eating anything for 24 hours BEFORE going out drinking and still not eating is a bad idea (DUH!!), someone else's cat using the litter box (major brain power required there), and my crazy fruitcake theory.

Not really "heavy" subjects here. And now that I look at them all summarized like this - not very consistent either. From one day to the next topics can (and often do) vary greatly.

I am about as consistent as what I just produced about 45 minutes ago. See I had some abdominal cramps so I went to the bathroom (quickly) and say down and.......well lets just say the cramps are gone. Lets not discuss what had to happen to get rid of the cramps. But whatever it was that happened, it was not very solid. It had the consistency of a milkshake that was 1/2 melted, with gobs of cookie dough here and there.

And this is why my blog has an elementary school reading level.

The Fruitcake

I have a theory about fruitcakes.

There are only a dozen of them in the whole world, and they were all made hundreds of years ago.

That is the theory. Of course I have reasons for thinking this. I have never seen anyone actually eat one. Yet, they used to arrive in the mail from other people every December. And they ALWAYS looked EXACTLY the same.

Obviously this is what was happening. The same fruitcake was simply circulating around in the family. My mothers sister would mail one to my mom, who would then mail it off to someone else, who would in turn mail it to someone else, and so on. After Christmas - whoever was in possession of the family fruitcake would have to hold onto it until the next holiday season - and then the whole process would begin again.

There was no other reasonable explanation. Really. The thing was not very big but was heavy for its size (the density of fruitcake is greater than the density of lead) and after hundreds of years it did not look like anything I wanted to eat! And nobody dared to open it - for nobody really knows what the thing will smell like. So when you get one, you have to give it to someone else.

I almost got stuck with a mystery fruitcake one. I was working for TSA at the time. Some genius decided that a full staff was needed on Christmas Day because as we all know millions of people fly on this day. Airports are packed. NOBODY wants to be at home, or hanging out with family on this day. No, everyone wants to be in an airport while their luggage is getting lost.

So I was told "you have to show up at 4:30 AM on Christmas Day or else you could be fired". So I was there. And nobody else was there. Seriously, the place was EMPTY. Most flights were canceled, airline ticket counters were mostly empty, and very few people were actually going somewhere. But all the security checkpoints were fully staffed!

So the genius comes to my area at 8 AM and says "hey you can go home if you want, there are too many people here". So I ask "OK, do I still get paid for the full 8 hours?". The answer was "No, you will get 4 hours plus your holiday pay". So I say "No thanks, I will stay. You made me get up at 3:00 so I could be here by 4:30 AM and you made me NOT get drunk last night. So I will stay put".

I should also mention that I was assigned to an area where there were going to be ZERO flights that day. Not one. And I was working baggage, so I had already constructed a throne out of those plastic bins used on the conveyor belt system thing. The throne was quite comfortable, and I was perfectly OK with burning the hours up. I was going to be paid for the full fay (plus my holiday pay) and I was not going to do one single thing ALL DAY. I made myself a really nice chair complete with a foot rest and everything. I even had a side table for my coffee. Darn that was a good day at work.

Anyway I had to use the bathroom at some point. So I get up. And while I am gone someone from another area brought us....A FRUITCAKE! Of course the other people on my crew were being "nice" and accepted the gift.

I get back and say "what the fuck is this"? Someone else says "it is a fruitcake you idiot! Someone from checkpoint D brought it over. They were being nice you ass - you ought to try it sometime".

So I say "OK, then who wants to eat that thing? Huh? You"? Of course nobody wanted to eat it. Everyone else just thought someone else would eat it.

So now my crew was stuck with the fruitcake. So I spring to my feet. I know EXACTLY what must be done.

I had to find another crew to pawn the fruitcake off on. The journey would be long, and fret with many perils. If the genius that called for a full staff to be there to screen the 3 flights that were leaving from a large airport saw me, he would accuse me of "wasting time" and taking an "unauthorized break". But hanging out where the public could not see me on my luggage bin throne complete with a foot rest AND coffee table was fine. So I had to avoid being seen.

So I go to checkpoint E. As it turned out, the person from D had already gone there but they managed to not get stuck with the fruitcake. So I go to E Satellite. That concourse was empty, so there was only a skeleton crew there. They already had stuff there that they were trying to get rid of.

So I go to F. Nobody there wanted it. Then G. Same deal. Nobody would take it.

But at the last concourse - H - they took the cake. I could tell nobody wanted it, but that was not my problem. I was on a mission.

When I got back to my duty station, I noticed that one of my throne bins was removed. As it turns out, while I was gone someone actually showed up with a piece of luggage that needed to be checked. And I missed it! I was not there! And management did not even notice. So I went to another baggage area, took a bin to restore the glory of my throne, and resumed doing nothing.

At 12:30 I was out of that place. I do not know what happened to the fruitcake I pawned off to the crew at H. They probably had to go to the ramp to get rid of it.

Anyway, I got an idea from all this. I get a lot of stupid shit in my email, but I have NEVER got the e-fruitcake. So here it is. You see the picture with this post? Well steal the picture. Then email it to someone. Then they will have to email the picture back to someone else. I want to see if it actually makes it back to me. NOTE - do not just send me the photo. I already have it. The idea is to send it to someone else, so that someone else can send it to someone else, who sends it to someone else, who sends it to someone else, and sooner or later it comes back here.

In theory anyway.

For Your Amusement

First off, in a comment left yesterday I was asked when I added Blotto "I Want To Be A Lifeguard" to the Iguana Music.

The answer is that the first song I added to the list was Blotto. I was testing the Project Playlist thing to see how good it was. Yea it is going to have the stuff people know about. But will they have Blotto? Well it seems that yes, they did. I was impressed so I went on and built a playlist.

Now I would like to share a You Tube video sent to me. It seems one of my Canadian readers has a slight problem. Her cat does not understand the concept of "burying it".



This is not that uncommon. Ill spare you the evidence, but Sake has been known to drop a duce in the bath tub. It is not the best place to drop a duce, but it is better than somewhere else. Like behind something large and heavy where I can not get to it without a major undertaking. It is pretty easy to clean up really. Scoop, dump in the toilet, flush, and then bleach.

Like I said, I will refrain from photos or video of the evidence.

But the cats here do not have the problem Packet seems to have. My cats dig like they are making a sand castle in that thing. I have to get boxes with high sides to keep the litter in the box - otherwise it ends up all over the place.

And Sake only drops a duce in the tub if I allow the boxes to get scary. Keep em scooped and she uses them. If they are ugly and / or scary, she finds someplace else to go.

Someone may be sending me some junk in the mail. How about that? But that is OK - for I have junk to send back. And what will I do with my stuff? If it is cool keep it - otherwise box it up and send it off to someone else.

In fact, this could turn into a fun Blog game. The modern version of the fruit cake. Nobody ever actually eats a fruit cake, if someone sends you one you just send it to someone else! Kind of like that.

Moderation.

Today I would like to talk about moderation. The fine art of not consuming too much of anything.

Take for instance key lime pie. It is good stuff. But can you eat nothing but key lime pie? Sure - if you want to get sick. So one slice - ok. A whole pie - you get sick.

Now why is this important to remember? Lets take a purely hypothetical situation as an example.

Say it is 7 PM and you realize that you have not had anything to eat. Now you know that you need to eat something, so you head out to secure food, and maybe have a pint or two. Nothing major. So you arrive at the place and sit at the bar. You do not need a menu because you go to this place all the time. You order your IPA and think about what you are going to get to eat.

So you call a friend to see if they can come hang out, because you are going to have some food and knock back a beer or two.

And then you end up relocating to another bar, which is closer to where your friend lives.

By the way - you did not get anything to eat yet. You are going to relocate to another place and then get food.

But you forget to get food. You relocate to the other place and have another beer. And then another. So you had 2 at the first place, another one at your friend's place, and then some more at the other bar. The total for the night is 6 or 7, you can not remember.

And no food. So the beer adds up fast. Before you know it, the kitchen is closed. So there will be no food for you. Empty stomach.

At some point you end up back at your friend's house, where you crash for the night. It is a long drive back you your place, you are tossed, and do not need to be driving.

You wake up the next day and feel like shit. That entire day is recovery day. Your head hurts, your sunglasses are not dark enough, and you have still not had anything to eat. But at least you do not puke! Or at least, you do not remember puking. Nobody said you puked.

End of the hypothetical situation.

How could the above situation - in no way based on reality - have been avoided? Pretty simple really.

Moderation. That would have avoided everything.

And food. It would have been a good idea to get food. On an empty stomach, beer can catch up on you fast.

Man DNA

I figured out what I am going to do with the 12 gallon cube aquarium I got.

Take it apart. There is a false back for it, that hides 4 chambers from view. Chamber 1 is supposed to have this sponge in it, chamber 2 is for ceramic beads and carbon (the beads give a place for bacteria to live, the carbon removes stuff dissolved in the water), chamber 3 is for plastic "Bio Balls" which give bacteria another place to live and remove any air bubbles that may be in the water. Chamber 4 is for the return pump.

So the idea is to remove the false back so I can get to all 4 chambers. Then I can reconfigure it all to make things more to my liking. Fun fun fun. At least I think so.

Now there are two possible outcomes to this project idea. What are these possibilities? I am glad you asked. And if you did not ask - PPPBBBBBTTTTTT! You are going to find out anyway.

See guys need to tinker with stuff. It does not matter what it is. Lets take the Toyota truck I have. It was fine was it was off the lot. But I had to tinker with it. So I got truck bed rails, and a toolbox. And a towing hitch. And the K&N washable air filter.

THIS JUST IN! I just saw the first Christmas commercial this year. It was for Garmin. Giva giva giva giva Garmin.

OK so where was I? Oh yea, the tinkering. I actually did not tinker with the truck very much. I kind of forgot about my project to install some extra driving lights. OH YEA and I did add a pair of 55 watt (each) reverse lights. Those are sweet. 110 watts of reverse light power - plus the factory lights. OH YEA!

I did far more tinkering with the boat. Lets see here. I added:

1. Official galvanized John Deer beer bottle opener
2. Wash Down pump
3. GPS plotter / VHF radio / fish finder on the boat "dash board".
4. FM stereo and 4 new speakers
5. Replaced the bilge pumps and got new float switches
6. Replaced the trailer winch with a better one
7. Other things I might have forgotten about.

Somewhere, buried deep in my man DNA, there is the need to tinker with things - in a feeble attempt to make them better.

This is why I feel compelled to take this item, which a lot of people would think is just fine the way it is now, and disassemble it. Then change it. Then put it back together.

Now for the two possible outcomes!

Outcome number one is.....SUCCESS! Total and complete success. The modifications will work out just as I planned, and the end result will be an item customized to what I think I want.

Outcome number 2 is.....I make things worse! This happens. Something breaks and can not be repaired. Or I get something apart and can not get it back together again. Or I get something apart, realize I can not really do what I was planning to do, and then reassemble it - killing whatever warranty the item had.

But yet, I feel the need.

Because somewhere, buried deep in my DNA, is a gene that creates a protein that compels me to break things, then try to fix them again.

I just wish that something in the aquarium required a welder to modify. My dad has a new welder that I can always borrow. The welder does not get used very much - but it is something one should have at hand in case you need it. The drill press and the two chop saws (one for metal one for wood) are also not used very much - but again handy things to have around in case you ever need to drill or chop saw anything.

And then there is the most destructive tool of them all - the SAWS ALL! That thing is crazy. My dad and I used it to cut up an old fiberglass 14 foot boat into sections that fit in the bed of the truck so that I could haul the sections off to the dump. The whole boat was too big to take to the "house hold waste" dump, and taking it to the landfill would result in at least a $500 disposal fee. But by chopping it up, it was free to get rid of. The dump attendant accused me of dumping "a boat" but I argued and said that it was in fact a "boat shaped flower planter". My point was that if it does not float - it is not a boat. And clearly the pieces of the "boat shaped flower planter" would not float.

And somewhere - buried deep in the garage - is an oxygen/acetylene cutting touch. If I ever find that thing I will probably set something on fire. That is another tool of mass destruction.

With these tools of mass destruction handy - I can either break anything, fix anything, build something that works, or build something that does not work.

But I will not need any of these things, only a knife and the Dremel. The Dremel tool rules.

It Is Not Rocket Science To Keep A Shelf Stocked

I got the Aquapod 12 gallon aquarium with the 70 watt HQI light today. UPS delivered it. And they did not break it!

I hereby award UPS a blue ribbon for being special, and not kicking the box too hard.

In other news, PUBLIX WAS OUT OF SIERRA NEVADA PALE ALE! Now this is not that uncommon. I keep telling the meat head manager that the store should stock more beer when the supply runs out. People are buying it. The store should stock it. It makes perfect business sense. But not to this guy ---------------------------->
Last time I brought this to the attention of manager Special Ed he did not understand. I tried to make it simple, get more of the beer in the pretty green box and I will buy it. And other people are buying it too, because when I went to the store today they were OUT. But last time there were two six packs (three before I bought one). So there.

But enough about Special Ed. He tries hard. So he gets a gold star for effort, and for being so special. I think he even rides the special short County Bus to work.

I still have no place to put the 12 gallon cube aquarium. I will find a place however. Some day. Who knows when. Could be any time. But I have to modify it slightly, so this is not a problem. I have time to make my modifications, without rushing.

Iguana Investigative Report

In this investigative report, I decided to find out why in the hell we mess with the clocks twice a year.

Now some think that this whole daylight savings time BS started long ago, in a galaxy far away.

Now yea I know that Wikipedia says this about DST.

"in 1905, the prominent English builder and outdoorsman William Willett was inspired to invent DST during one of his pre-breakfast horseback rides, when he observed with dismay how many Londoners slept through the best part of a summer day.[16] An avid golfer, he also disliked cutting short his round at dusk. His solution was to advance the clock during the summer months, a proposal he published two years later.[17] He lobbied unsuccessfully for the proposal until his death in 1915; see Politics for more details. Wartime Germany, its allies, and their occupied zones were the first European countries to use DST, starting April 30, 1916. Britain, most other belligerents, and many European neutrals soon followed suit, but Russia and a few other countries waited until the next year, and the United States did not use it until 1918. Since then the world has seen many enactments, adjustments, and repeals.[18]"

But all that shit is wrong. Like we are messing with clocks because some asshole wanted to play more golf. Please. That would never happen.

No, there has to be another reason. Something that would explain the screwing around with the clocks, AND tie into beer. Because as Emma pointed out, everything ties into beer.

So I did an investigative report to get to the bottom of this tomfoolery once and for all. And tie it into beer. Because that is how I roll.

Now hear me out. You have to read the whole theory for this to make sense.

It all started with the 18th Amendment to the US Constitution. The ONLY Amendment (so far) to TAKE AWAY rights. Bush is working on fixing this now. Passing Amendments that remove rights that is.

The 18th Amendment was a black and terrible day for the USA. It went into effect on a dismal miserable day - January 16, 1920. Suddenly all forms of alcohol were illegal in the land of the free.

But not everyone was sad. Some people were happy. They supported prohibition, because they were miserable and wanted to spread the misery to all the other people. If they can not have any fun - NOBODY WILL! That is the American Way, right?

Anyhow, flexing their muscles, the prohibition supporters (through threats of extreme violence) FORCED everyone to set the clocks forward one hour.

Thus KILLING happy hour! It was an evil plot to get rid of happy hour, and replace it with "angry bitter pissed off at the planet" hour. And so it was. The clocks were set forward - therefore skipping right over happy hour. People are all like "man it is almost happy hour! Two dollar draft beer! Excellent!". And then right when happy hour is supposed to start, some angry people barge in, smash up all the bottles, and set the clock forward one hour.

HA! Now it is not happy hour anymore! And we smashed up all the beer anyway! So HAHAHAAHA we win!

Only TWO STATES had the balls to reject the measure - Connecticut and Rhode Island.

But all was not lost. The dark ages lasted until 1933. A long time. 13 long and dry years. Well in theory. In reality people were just bootlegging, going to speak easies, brewing beer in the basement, and making shine.

But the forces of sanity and reason won the day. The only Amendment to remove rights was undone by another Amendment. The 21st Amendment.

Only one State voted to not ratify the 21st Amendment - South Carolina (BOOOO!)

And to celebrate their victory, drunken mobs turned the clocks at the bar BACK on hour - in effect extending happy hour and getting back the happy hour unjustly stolen from them all those years ago.

In remembrance of these events, every spring clocks would be set forward one hour, and then set back one hour in the fall (right around Octoberfest by the way - coincidence? I think not!).

This ritual eventually became DST. But we mess with clocks at 2 AM now so as to not mess up happy hour. By the time 2 AM rolls around you are not going to get any happier.

This makes a lot more sense than some ass wanting to play more golf.

Clock Bullshit

Well I hope everyone remembered to fall back one hour last night. That is if you live in some stone age place that still does this crap.

What exactly is the point? I can not figure it out. Supposedly, it "saves energy". OK then. Explain how. Quick! How does it save energy? I know! According to the clocks, the sun stays up longer. OK fair enough. So why don't we just keep the clocks set one hour ahead of where they are set now? Somehow it saves energy in the summer but not in the winter?

I do not get it. But whatever. It is not my idea to screw with the clocks. Maybe it does save energy. Who knows. They say it does, so it must. Right?

However, I kind of like the fall back thing. It gets later faster. This is good if you are a night kind of person.

Another strange thing happened Sunday. It was actually a nice day! The air was nice and crisp and cool. And the skies were clear. It was ALMOST like the world was air conditioned today. Almost. When the sun went down it was awesome. It got cooler, and the skies remained clear. Really nice. It is barely November and already this is happening. I am holding out hope for a really nice winter season. If the cool dry air keeps up, then it will be Everglades season sooner rather than later. Awesome.

More Beer Posting

"My name is Gambrinus
King of Flanders and Brabant
I made malt out of barley
And was the first to conceive beer
So the brewers
Can proudly proclaim
That it was a King
Who invented Beer!"

There you go. A little Gambrinus poem that I did not write. I stole it from a beer stein site. Which brings up an interesting question - do people really drink out of these things? Or are they more like something you just buy so you can put it somewhere and look at it? The thing holds 1.5 liters. That is a lot of beer. A little over three pints. So not really a whole lot of beer, it is possible to drink that amount. But I do not think you would be having two of them. 6 pints is a quart short of a gallon. So the best I can figure out is that some steins are for drinking, and some are for looking. The one featured to the right is probably not for drinking. Therefore it is USELESS. Why buy something like that unless you would want to drink from it? Really. So I would probably never get something like this.

But this gets me to thinking, which is often a dangerous thing for me to do. A stein may be a handy thing to have. The lids would be a good way to keep pesky insects out of my beer. Of course the funny thing about beer is that once you have had enough, you do not give a shit if some bugs did get into it. You just drink it anyway. The alcohol kills the germs. Right? I guess. At least that makes sense after a few pints.

But all is not lost. I did find these cool pewter mugs. Very nautical, don't you think? By the way in case you did not notice the mug handles look like a boat cleat. Cool. Now this is something I could use! They hold 22 ounces, which means they could hold at least 20 ounces of beer, leaving enough room for the foam. But there is no lid to keep the bugs out. However, they are pewter. Hopefully lead free pewter. So you could drop them and they would not break. They may get a dent, but there would be no breaking. This is good. Once you drink enough, you tend to drop things. If I had a larger boat with a cabin and a galley these would be perfect. Because really, glass bottles on a boat is not the best idea in the world. But I do what I have to do. The boat has no space for fancy drinking goblets, and beer from a can is banned from my boat - so that means I have to bring glass bottles.

And of course, beer is THE party drink of all time. Think about it. Have you ever heard of a "wine drinking song"? I can't say I have. I Googled "wine drinking songs" and all I got was shit like "spill the wine" and "red red wine" and other pop crap. Snore. Not really about drinking wine, just using wine as some kind of lame ass metaphor.

And have you ever heard of "the wine barrel polka"? I have not. There is no such polka. But there is the Beer Barrel Polka.

And then there is the Irish. There are tons of Irish drinking songs - all about either beer or whiskey. Mostly about beer.

Also, if you had to pick a place where people were most likely to all break out on song, what venue would you choose - a wine tasting event or a tent at some Octoberfest where everyone is downing German Beer?

Oh yea, even though mead is actually a type of wine, I hereby make it an honorary form of beer. Meade and ale are very old drinking buddies. So by Lazy Iguana decree - mead is hereby claimed as a member of the beer team.

As an American beer drinker, I sometimes feel left out. Nobody ever breaks out in song here. There are not really any traditional American drinking songs. The Puritans were all anti beer and shit.

Or are there any traditional American beer drinking songs?? How about this song. I know all my American readers will know it.

" My country tis of thee,
Sweet land of liberty,
Of thee I sing.
Land where my fathers died!
Land of the Pilgrim's pride!
From every mountain side,
Let freedom ring!"

Ah yes, it is "My Country Tis Of Thee (America)". Did you know this was once a popular drinking song? Well it was. See, someone took the British National Anthem (God Save The Queen) and changed the words - but kept the music. The song is a parody of the British National Anthem. Liberty Tree was also a drinking song, as were most Revolutionary War era songs. Even if the Puritans were anti beer, beer was safer to drink than water - because part of making beer requires malt and hops to be added to boiling water. Then the stuff cooks for at least an hour to convert the starches to fermentable sugars. And because people back then had no idea about bacteria, if the water looked clean you would drink it. Back then, if you could not see cholera it did not exist - but it still caused you to shit yourself to death. And the open sewers (troughs on the side of the streets) ran into.....the river! Where drinking water came from! It is amazing us humans lived long enough as a species to invent the microscope to learn about bacteria and protozoa and amoebas and to invent modern sanitary sewers and air conditioning and internet porn. I think about this all the time by the way. Not so much the internet porn but the stuff about the air conditioning and microscope. We have really made ourselves weak through technology. Why you would think that life is impossible without water treatment plants, the hot water heater, all kinds of drugs, and the drive through.

So water could make you sick, or even kill you. Beer was safe. Thank God for beer!

So since "My Country Tis Of Thee" is a parody, nobody in America should be offended by this video. Canadians might be offended, but their dollar is worth more than the US dollar. So who is laughing now? Really - I just checked. One US dollar gets you 93 CENTS in Canada. THANKS BUSH! You are a fucking genius.


All I have to say aobut this classic Ren and Stimpy clip is who says smoking pot kills brain cells? It is clear that when this cartoon was made, the creators were high on something. And could YOU come up with something like that while sober?