Traffic Lawyers, BBQ For The Boat, BEER REVIEW!!!

I hired the cheese head today. It cost me $80. The last cheese head was $100 and that was YEARS ago. In the mid 90s. I got pulled over for preventing the police from getting the guy they were after. It seems that I was just driving along in a commercial van, minding my own business. It was raining, and the cops were trying to get some guy for something. But my van got in the way. The cop who pulled my over was SUPER pissed. And it was raining, so his hat got wet. I got a ticket for "speeding" or something. Anyway, I gave some cheese head a Franklin and was found to be not guilty.

The cop was REALLY pissed. He had to get his hat wet. Cops HATE to get their hats wet. You have to do something really horrible to get pulled over in the rain. I was afraid I was going to get clubbed and left for dead on the side of the road. But all I got was a ticket.

It seems that traffic lawyers have gone down in price. If these cheese heads do not produce results, I will collect the stuff I find in the three cat litter boxes for a month and dump it in their lobby. The gamble is court fees. If there are court fees then it would have been cheaper to pay for the traffic school scam and then get the 18% discount on the ticket. If there are no court fees, then the lawyer is cheaper. Either way I still think West Miami blows. If you live in Miami-Dade County, add West Miami to your list of places to avoid.

I got a pretty good deal at West Marine today. Normally West Marine has high prices on crap. But there are a lot of West Marine stores so people go there because they are lazy. I can get cheaper stuff from other places - but I have to drive further.

Anyway they had a bunch of crap on clearance. Among the things was a Force 10 extra large stainless steel BBQ grill. The clearance price was $165 or something, but I got another discount on top of that because of my affiliations with the US Coast Guard Auxiliary. So I got the thing for $70 with tax. Online I found a Force 10 large stainless steel BBQ for $200.

I was looking at a better grill for the boat. And I guess I found one. This is a really nice one.

18,000 BTUs and 225 square inches of cooking surface. 100% marine grade stainless steel. It uses 1 pound propane cylinders, or it can be hooked up to a LP gas system. All I need now are two rail mount things so I can mount the grill on the bow rail. Nice.

BEER REVIEW! It has been a long time since I did a beer review. Too long. So here we go! Dogfish Head 120 Minute IPA. This is one serious beer. 20% alcohol by volume. Yes, 20%. It is like drinking 12 ounces of strong wine. During the boil, they continuously add hops for a FULL 120 minutes. Dogfish Head Brewery invented a method to continuously add hops, as opposed to throwing them in at time intervals. Anyway after the boil the stuff is fermented for a full month, and each day the beer is dry hopped. Dry hopping is when you toss hops into the fermenting beer. This gives the beer a very strong hops aroma.

When it is all over, you have one ass kicking beer. It is NOT for everybody. It is very strong and very VERY hoppy. Almost too hoppy. And I like hops! The stuff is expensive. I had to fork over $10 for a single 12 ounce bottle. And that was NOT at a bar - it was at a supermarket.

The beer is malty sweet (it needs a lot of malt to get to that 20% abv) and hoppy bitter both at the same time. I suppose it is balanced for such a malty strong beer. You have to REALLY like hops for this one. I would imagine that most beer drinkers will not like it. I will probably not buy another bottle, unless I am going to share it.

And now to clarify something. THIS is a dolphin.

They are also called "Mahi-Mahi" and "Dorados". But around here they are simply "dolphin". They are prized game fish. First off, they are good. A dolphin catch is always welcome on a fishing boat. And these fish are fast swimmers. They have been clocked at 50 mph. They fight hard. The "fish finder" is really just a sonar. It can tell you how deep the water is, and can also pick up some bottom detail. If the bottom hard? Soft? Rocky? Smooth? The fish finder can tell you. It will also see fish that are under the boat - if there are any fish there. My sonar has never found shit for me.

One Less Thing In The Yard.

Too much Toto is a bad thing, so I put up new Iguana Music. I do not know exactly who recorded this version - and it only contains one stanza. But it is all I can find. So if you have a better version, let me know. Ill get tired of this Iguana Music soon and put something else up.

According to my sources, June is smack in the middle of hot dolphin fishing season! And now that I have a boat with 44 inches of freeboard at the bow - I can go offshore to look for the buggers. I could go offshore with the old boat, but the cat I have now can go further offshore and is safer due to the increased freeboard. And the beam is wider. All this means it is a better offshore boat. So one of these days soon I want to try to catch some darn fish. I can get well offshore now - out to the shipping lanes if I want to.

I think the old boat is sold. Some dudes came by and left a deposit on it. The screwy thing is that they do not seem to want to water test it. I think they might plan to throw another engine on it. They could have another engine already. If this is the case then it would explain why they do not care to put the boat in the water before they buy - they are going to re-power it anyway.

If they do, they screwed the pooch. The engine on the old boat IS old, but it runs great. How old? It was made in 1986. Reagan was in office and everyone was dancing safely in parachute pants. Michael Jackson was not a weirdo, just a rich eccentric normal looking dude. The Soviets were going to nuke us and the Taliban were our good close personal buddies and partners with the CIA. Junk bonds were king and greed was good. Yes, the world was a pretty crazy place. It still is.

The old engine still has the original oil injection system hooked up and working. A lot of people disconnected them, but this one still has it. The 2 cycle oil sits in one tank, the gas in another tank, and the engine mixes the two as needed.

A compression test done yesterday gave all 6 cylinders a reading of 120. That is excellent. So if the buyers just toss the engine and hang another one on, they will be getting rid of a perfectly good engine.

But none of this is my problem. Let em do whatever they want. I tried to tell them that the engine is perfectly good but I do not think they believe me. They turned down multiple offers to water test the boat. I can show them that it really does hit 40 mph - a bad engine would not push the boat that fast. But they said "we do not need to do that" and "that is OK" so whatever.

Now I will have the flow to buy the fish finder I want to get. The old fish finder is going with the old boat. I did not feel like pulling the transducer cable and patching the screw holes in the transom. That is a pain in the ass. Plus the old fish finder was only $150 or something. The new boat is getting a nicer sonar unit. I took enough stuff off the old boat to ensure boat continuity, I do not really need the Humminbird Matrix 17 fish finder.

Summer Is Here - Ronin Movie Review

I guess it is now summer! For my international readers, "summer" begins on a holiday weekend and ends on a holiday weekend - Memorial Day and Labor Day respectably. So on with the show. School zones go away, but then the streets are packed with kids who think the thing to do is just drive around - clogging up traffic. This is why I HATE going to to the famous "south beach" area so much. There are too many ass clowns who want to be seen driving around in piece of shit Buicks with fancy sound systems installed in them. They turn up the music so you can not hear how crappy the engine sounds. And they drive around and around and around. It got so bad the cops enforce "anti cruising" laws. But the laws are only enforced on kids with loud crappy cars.

Anyhow - by now only the year round residents are here. All the snow birds are long gone by now. It is hot as hell, humid as a cigar box pulled out of a lake and left in the full sun - closed - for an hour, and a hurricane or tropical storm can form at any time. The State is dry as a tender box and could catch on fire (again) at any time. So only us suckers who are too poor to afford summer homes somewhere decent are stuck here. My summer home would be in the Colorado Rockies I think. That would be nice. Or a year round home in the Keys. The lower Florida Keys are pretty nice. A place on the water would make South Florida a livable place in the summer.

MOVIE REVIEW - Ronin. Emma suggested this movie. It is an action thriller with extra intrigue and some killer car chases. The car chase scenes are shot in France, with the narrow streets and stuff. Totally awesome. And what about the intrigue? Well there are spies. Terrorists (or freedom fighters, depending on who you ask). A mystery case everyone wants. Several plot twists. And so on. All in all a very good action flick. It is not just car chases and shootouts in Europe - there is a complex story line there too. But enough action to keep you watching it.

Things To Think About.

Memorial Day. A three day weekend. And this year, I question how it should be celebrated.

On one hand, this is the day we remember those who served in the Military to defend the nation. Many died. So it is a solemn day.

On the other hand, the "traditional" thing for many people to do is get drunk and have a BBQ. Go to the beach. Have a backyard party. Go to the park. It is considered the first weekend of the summer. So many people take this three day weekend as a chance to get loaded and puke.

So is this proper? There is the whole solemn day thing, but there is also the fact that people can get blind drunk and vomit all over the place BECAUSE of the end results of the sacrifices made by others.

I don't know. I guess people will just do what they want to do. I am probably one of the few people who even think about this. Most people just take the three day weekend and party - and never think much beyond that. Having brain cells can suck sometimes. Other people can just blissfully cruise through life without ever thinking of anything beyond what MP3 to download in to their I-Pod next. But not me.

The Wellcraft is for sale! Photos of the boat are at www.lazyiguana.org/wellcraft18. Click away. I only put up a few photos, I may add more.

I also put an ad up on Craigslist! You can see it by clicking HERE! The ad worked, someone is going to come by and look at the boat today. It is in good shape. I would take it out and use it myself, but I got the 19 foot power cat. The ad says I will put the boat into the water for prospective buyers. And I will. It runs great really. I will consider all offers I consider reasonable. The asking price is of course not 100% set in stone.

Craigslist is pretty cool. It is free to post crap there, and I got a response pretty quick. I found the new boat on a Craigslist ad, so I guess selling the old boat on Craigslist is somehow right.

Bay Day

If you are here from Saur's blog - you are in the right place. I guess. Sunday is not a huge comment day over there, but I may pick up a few visitors.

Anyhow, for todays post I decided on a tour. Not that great of a tour, but that is hard to do here. I do not want to put up 50 photos because then the page would take forever to load - even with high speed access. Plus I had to drive the boat. Kind of hard to do more than one thing as a time.
By the way, as usual all photos are linked to the full size images. Just click em. Full size images are around 2 megs each. If you have high speed access no problem. Otherwise it may take a bit for the photos to download.

The day started at the Crandon Marina boat ramp. I could have used the FPL ramp at Old Cutler because I was with my dad. He works for the power company. But the Old Cutler Power Plant ramp was a bit of a haul from where we wanted to go, and it was not the best day to be out. So we opted to use the public ramp, paying the toll to get on Key Biscayne and the $10 fee to use the County ramp. Miami-Dade Parks and Recreation needs the money anyway. The boat ramps generate revenue for that department, which is then used (in part) to subsidize the other parks that do not generate revenue. It is a good system. Parks are important and expensive.

So how bad was it today? Lets find out! This is a shot I took while leaving the boat ramp.

Can you spot the rain? Look between the sailboat masts. You can see it better on the full size photo. By the way, all that rain was in the direction of the Old Cutler FPL ramp. So had we used that ramp the ride would have been wet.

As it was late in the morning when we launched, the first thing was to get over to Scotty's Landing in Coconut Grove. Here is the boat tied up at the Scotty's seawall. Notice the chop? well this is a somewhat protected area. In a marina.

And remember the rain from the first photo? Here is it dumping rain on Key Biscyne, right where I launched the boat from about 30 minutes before. But at least I knew which way the rain was moving! Knowing this helps you plot around the rain. I do not like to boat through rain unless I really have to. If I had a cuddy cabin I would rather just drop the hook (anchor) and chill out. In an open boat I would rather tie up somewhere and hide from the rain while having a drink. But sometimes you just have to do what you have to do.

Once I crossed under the big bridge going to Key Biscaye, I was out of the open area of the bay. So the water was not as choppy. And to make it even better the weather changed a bit. It was still windy but the sun poked out. The next stop was Jimbo's on Virginia Key. Here is the boat tied up at Jimbo's.

Now this is an interesting photo if you know the area. Jimbo's looks like a shanty town. It IS a shanty town. Nothing there is to code. Code enforcement is afraid to go there. Jimbo's is out of the way and off the map really. You can drive there, but there are no signs for the place. You just have to know where it is. HINT - it is right next to the Virginia Key Sewage Treatment Plant. If you enlarge this picture you can see Fisher Island in the background. Fisher Island is for people with money flowing out of their asshole. On Fisher Island if you only have a three or four million you are BARELY getting by. You probably can not afford to live on Fisher Island with a mere 5 million in the bank. People living there have Rolls Royce custom build them GOLF CARTS. The island is small driving your real Rolls Royce is just not done unless you are going to the ferry to leave the place. But anyway, not too far away from the sewage plant and Jimbo's shanty village is ultra rich Fisher Island. From each location you can see the other. Miami is like this in many places.

And what do I mean by shanty village? Here is a photo of the back of Jimbo's.

Now you may have been to a place that tries to look like it it is laid back tin roof shanty shack - but it is really a concrete and steel structure with plastic "decorations" to give an illusion. Jimbo's is NOT this place. Jimbo's is the real deal. The bar is two tubs of ice and beer cans. Want a beer? Go get one yourself! Nobody is going to bring you one. There is a guy by the door to the beer room that collects your money on your way out. It is really a unique last of its kind place. The UN needs to add the place to its World Heritage list. Jimbo's IS Miami as it used to be, back before the crazy development and urban sprawl.

This is the front area of Jimbo's. If you enlarge this photo the old man in the green shirt and hat is Jimbo himself. He is at his place on the weekends. He recently turned 80. He is a WWII and Korean War Veteran. I think he was a Navy man. If you go to Jimbo's on a weekend you can have a beer with the old man.

I hope you liked this post. If not, too bad. There are no refunds :)

Saturday Plan

First off - do people really buy the crap pitched on infomercials? Really. The show I was watching (The Deadliest Catch for all you Bering Sea crab fishing fans out there) ended and some infomercial started. It is pitching some horrible "Soft Rock" album featuring AIR SUPPLY! Are those guys still alive? It seems so. The best part of the infomercial is when some woman shows up and says "Wow! I can not believe I am here with Air Supply". Like she was reading from a script and did not really mean it. Because she was reading from a script and did not mean it. Classic. And for only $19.99 plus shipping you can get 168 of the best soft rock songs ever recorded from Time Life Music! You get Air Supply, Christopher Cross, Kenny Loggins, Rod Stewart, Chicago, Toto, Starship, and so on.

You could spend hours and hundreds of dollars collecting all these songs! Call in the next 19 minutes and get even more crap! If you are one of the first 500 people to call, shipping is free! Pick up the phone and call now! You can preview the collection for only $9.99!

I may just update the Iguana Music. Should I?? OK I will. With some soft rock.

I got the boat all hitched up and ready to go. But it is going to be a less than ideal day.

SATURDAY
EAST WINDS 15 TO 20 KNOTS. BAY WATERS CHOPPY IN EXPOSED AREAS. SLIGHT CHANCE OF SHOWERS.

There is a small craft advisory up until 0800 today. I expect them to extend this warning for the entire day. I would think that 19 feet is a small craft.

And this forecast actually has improved. A few days ago the forecast was calling for a higher chance of rain.

But I do not plan to leave the protection of the bay. I may run the Stiltsville Channel just to see what is up. The channel itself is protected by mudflats and sandbars, but once I clear the channel on the ocean side it will be ugly. The forecast is calling for 4 - 6 foot swells. I kind of want to REALLY test the legendary ride of a power catamaran. See how it really takes less than ideal conditions, and how dry the ride is.

Then haul ass back to the bay. I do not want to fight the sea. I will loose eventually.

Anyway, there will be pictures. I will launch from a different marina, which is in a slightly exposed area. So I will get to roll over some chop. Run across to Stiltsville, run the channel, putz around outside the channel for a bit, then run back to a more sheltered waters. Maybe bounce to Jimbos and roll a boccie ball a few times.

If me scurvy crew chickens out then I plan to go out Sunday with a different scurvy crew.

Anyhow, this is the plan for today. For better or worse. I really just want to see how this power cat takes the chop! The sea trial was a crappy day too - but not as crappy as it will be today. The sea trial was just fine. The chop was not a problem. The cat just went through it no problems. And only a few drops of bow spray hit me. It was a very dry ride.

Mystery Solved

I found out why the check card quit working.

It seems it is all because I needed gas. So I go to gas station A and insert the card. The machine asks for my PIN number or billing address zip code or whatever - then told me to "see attendant". I did not want to see the attendant, which is why I was paying at the pump in the first place. The attendant is a pain in the ass. First I have to walk alllllll the way to the cash register. Then say "fill up on (pump number)" and leave something with the attendant so I do not gas and dash. Then I have to fill up. Then I have to go back in to pay. Then go back to the truck.

So I bail out of that dump! And off to the BP. The BP pumps turned on for me, but they were pumping slowly. Very slowly. This means the tanks are almost empty and I was pumping the last of the gas. This is how you get shitty gas in your vehicle. The scuzz at the bottom of the tank could get into your tank.

So after a whole whopping 10 cents of gas (did you know you can pump that little?!!?) I shut the pump off, got my receipt, and bailed.

Gas station number 3 was all right. They let me pay at the pump without waking up the attendant, the pumps were not working slow, and so on. So $50 later the tank is full and off I go. I was REALLY low on gas!

Visa detected fraud. Three gas station charges in less than 10 minutes. So they shut off the card. But now it works. I know this because.......

I bought some beer. I will need this beer for the weekend. I intend to get the boat wet. The forecast is still crappy, calling for a 20 - 25 knot winds on Saturday and 10 - 15 knot winds on Sunday, with bay waters choppy in exposed areas. But the power cat is designed for this. I do not want to go offshore, but the chop in the bay I can deal with. Sunday looks more promising than Saturday. But in either case I will need beer. Samuel Adams Summer Ale - the official boat beer of 2007.

So yea, the card is working again. I called the bank and a nice human helped me out. It is good that someone is paying attention to strange activity on credit cards. Of course Visa is not doing this for me - they are doing to to protect their ass. I have a $0 fraud liability thing with the bank. So if someone does steal my card I do not loose any money. Visa and the bank loose it. So are they looking out for me or them? What do you think?

The gray cat has an unofficial name. Skipper. This is a good name for a little gray cat. If I can get Skipper used to going out on the boat it could be a good thing. Lets say I am stopped by the water po po. They ask me "who is the Skipper?". I can point to the cat and say "Skipper, the Mullet Patrol wants to speak to you". Then I can go back to drinking beer. Was I operating the boat in an "unsafe manner"? Hey - take it up with Skipper. He is in charge of the vessel you know. I am just the pilot. He tells me what to do.

So yea, this could be fun. Or it could get me clubbed like a baby harp seal, waffled in the back of a police car, then thrown into jail.

I have not yet hired a cheese head to get me out of having to do the traffic school thing. I am considering my options still.

There is a NEW ADDITION to the Lazy Iguana Evil Arcade. The twin engine boat docking simulator! It is not a very good simulator, there is no wind, no current, and the boat does not seem to drift very much. Also even when you have both engines in the same gear the boat seems to move off to one side. I guess the twin screws are not counter rotating! Anyway see if you can dock the boat using nothing but the engine controls. No rudder! You do not need it with twin screws.

The Weekend

The end of the week approaches. I guess this is a good thing. And this will not be a regular ordinary weekend - this one lasts three days. Unless your place of employment is communist and does not believe in three day weekends. OK so maybe communist is a bit harsh. I should have said unless your place of employment operates 24 hours a day. Yea all the banks will be closed - but what if you do not work for a bank? What if you work for a utility company or something?

Well in that case you may get screwed out of a three day weekend. But as a consolation prize you get an extra days pay.

Someone told me it was Nixon who decided to make Memorial Day and Labor Day fall on a Monday. Supposedly these two holidays used to fall on a calendar date. So sometimes Memorial Day would be on a Wednesday some years and a Saturday other years. The story goes that ole Nixon thought that sucked, because on a Wednesday you get the day off but then what? You still have to be at work Tuesday and Thursday. And if it fell on a Saturday - well a lot of people have that day off already! But making the holiday fall on a Monday means a three day weekend. If this story is true it is why Nixon will be remembered as a better President than Bush. But I digress.

The weather outlook for me looks crappy.

SATURDAY
EAST WINDS 15 TO 20 KNOTS. BAY WATERS CHOPPY IN EXPOSED
AREAS. SLIGHT CHANCE OF SHOWERS THROUGH THE DAY. SLIGHT CHANCE OF THUNDERSTORMS IN THE LATE MORNING AND AFTERNOON.

SATURDAY NIGHT
EAST WINDS AROUND 15 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A MODERATE CHOP. SLIGHT CHANCE OF SHOWERS.

SUNDAY
EAST WINDS AROUND 15 KNOTS. BAY WATERS A MODERATE CHOP. SLIGHT CHANCE OF SHOWERS THROUGH THE DAY. SLIGHT CHANCE OF THUNDERSTORMS IN THE LATE MORNING AND AFTERNOON.

Monday's forecast is pretty much the same as Sunday. The meaning of "Bay waters choppy in exposed areas" means if you are south of Key Biscayne, it will be choppy. And it looks like the best chance for rain is in the late morning and afternoon - prime time for boats.

But I will probably head out anyway. The offshore forecast is even worse. The offshore conditions for Saturday call for 6 - 8 foot seas and winds at 20 - 25 knots. It also says that bay waters will be "rough in exposed areas". If this holds up, there will be small craft advisory up this weekend. Or at least for Friday and Saturday.

Now under normal conditions I would be ready to scrub any boat mission this weekend. The old boat could deal with a choppy bay, but it would be a rough and wet ride. The new boat is a power cat. It will offer a much nicer and drier ride.

In a way, the not so great conditions will be good. I will get to fully test the boats ride characteristics. I will go out Saturday, Sunday, or maybe both days.

I still have to solve the mystery of the non functioning check card. The thing is still "broken".

The cheese heads said that I have to pay them $80 to be not guilty. And there is a 50/50 chance that the judge will be a dick and charge me with court costs. If I get nailed with court costs, then the cost is whatever the ticket fine is - in my case $133.63 How they arrive at $133.63 is beyond reasoning. Why not $135? What the crap is with the 63 cents? What if I only have $133.62? Will I get sent to jail over a penny?

My other option is to pay for traffic school, which is only a little less than what the cheese head will charge. And then I get a 18% discount on the ticket.

In light of all this, should I put my guilt or innocence in the hands of the lowest tier of the lawyer world. Traffic ticket attorneys. You know all the other lawyers point and laugh at them. "Hey, there goes Ralph! He almost flunked out of law school and barely passed the Bar Exam. He works for The Ticket Clinic now. He can not even afford a new Mercedes hardtop convertible every other year! What a looser!".

Online traffic school is $15. I then get a 18% discount on the fine. So the fine will be $109 plus the $15 for the traffic school works out to $124. The cheese head is cheaper, but there is a 50/50 chance that it will cost more. About $89 more. So do I flip the coin for $89? Heads I save $44 tails I loose $89.

The question now is do I feel lucky. Well do I?

Now taking all bets! I also offer video poker.

Things To Do

So here I am, sitting here while a little gray kitten chews on my arm. I tell him to stop and put him on the floor, and 15 seconds later he is back, chewing on my arm. The little furry bastard does not like to chew on clothing - he seems to like bare skin better.

And I got to thinking. I think a certain Devon Rex calico cat who lives in Florida needs a little brother. Free delivery! He even comes with a free bag of Iams kitten food.

In other news, I have to find out what the hell is going on. My check card seems to have stopped working. Last night I tried to buy some stainless steel BBQ tools and a stainless steel grill surface for veggies / fish in a closeout deal at West Marine and the darn check card did not work. Today I go to a different West Marine store for two stainless steel bolts, two stainless steel nuts (for the GPS antenna - the old hardware was not long enough) and some new zincs for the outboard engine. The check card failed to work again.

Good thing I have the backup credit card. That thing works. But I hate using it. Something about getting a bill just blows. Using the check card means I never ever get a bill. The money is deducted directly from the checking account.

So this means I have to go to the bank and find out what the deal is. I hate going to the bank.

I have some other business to attend to as well. It seems that a certain entity still thinks I owe it money. I disagree with this entity. So I have to go back to the magical building that does not exist and find out what is going on - again. For the third time. Maybe this time everything will get sorted out. I really just need party A to send all the information to party B so that they can then inform party C that there is an error, so that party C and tell party D and then party D can tell party A that everything is cool. Pretty simple huh? I think so.

It is really not that complicated. I am just embellishing for dramatic effect.

Oh yea, I have to call a cheese head and consult it about the ticket that I am very guilty of. I suspect the cheese head will try to convince the man that I am in fact not guilty. But trust me here - I am guilty as hell. The cop was not so much hiding behind a tree as standing there. I just did not notice.

But I will see if I can find a cheese head that can make me not guilty. Even if I am guilty. The man does not need to know this.

America is truly a great place. I can flagrantly violate the law, and yet I can be not guilty simply by hiring a cheese head.

Nobody Wants Mr. Bojangles

Kitten update! The little gray kitten is still here. All my attempts to give him away have backfired. He is still small enough to fit in his kitty hideout - which is an empty box that used to contain 12 cans of seltzer water. He can eat dry food now so that is good. That wet cat food stuff is just vile nasty gross shit. The extra cans I had were fed to Max the lizard. Max lives in the backyard. I do not care if the food stinks something awful as long as it is not in the house. Max's next lizard crap is going to be horrible. Worse than a brown pelican crap.

The gray cat needs a better name. I might have to open up another name the cat contest.

I got the radio installed in the boat. So that is good. Tomorrow or the next day I will install the GPS, and connect the GPS to the radio. Then all I need to do is get the fish finder / depth sounder thing and I will have all the electronics I plan to have installed. Except for the stereo. I need to find a place to put that thing. Somewhere out of the way. I replaced all the old speakers with Pioneer 2 way speakers. I ordered 2 new ones, and pulled the other 2 off the old boat. I took two speakers I did not screw up from the new boat and swapped them to the old boat.

The speakers in the new boat were cheapo marine speakers. I destroyed the cheap plastic grill on one of them (it was brittle from exposure to UV light or something) and the other speaker got messed up when one of the screws got stripped during removal and I tried to drill it out and the thing got hot and melted the plastic. But two survived - which is exactly the number I needed.

I also need to remove the GPS antenna from the old boat, and transfer it to the new boat. And while I am at it I might as well pull the cigarette lighter plug thing, and the power connector for my amateur VHF/UHF radio from the old boat.

Anyhow - everything is almost ready. I want to splash the boat sometime this weekend.

Now for the lawn police issue. I do not live in the Shitty of Riviera Beach. Which is a good thing. Even if my lawn was not brown, I would paint the shit brown in protest. I think that ALL lawn watering in South Florida should be illegal year round. Really. People can start to be smart and collect rain water. They make these plastic things that look like wooden barrels. You attach these to the down spouts of your rain gutters. They each collect 55 gallons of water (or more). Use THAT water for your lawn / plants. A homeowner can set up a system to hold 1,000 gallons (or more) fairly easy. A good rain shower would fill the system up. A pump with PVC pipe running to each collection barrel would move the water. And if the collection barrels run out? Well guess what! Clearly God does not want you to water the lawn! So the lawn police can just fine God. Good luck collecting.

Condo Commandos, Keeping America Ass Backwards.

This one is just too good.

Amid Water Shortage, Residents Cited For Brown Lawns

It seems that the Lawn Police in Riviera Beach, Florida have nothing else to do except harass residents for "code violations". People with brown lawns have been ordered to re-sod and fertilize their lawns or else face even more fines.

The problem is, South Florida Water Management has ordered MANDATORY water restrictions. People in Riviera Beach can only water one day a week.

The Shitty of Riviera Beach claims that "code enforcement officers are only doing their job".

Yea, a STUPID JOB. We are running out of friggin water here, and the city wants to fine people for brown grass? What the hell is this?

So if you live in that crap hole, you can either pay the water po po for violating water restrictions or pay the lawn po po for not having a lush green lawn.

This is typical of life here. Pure stupidity everywhere you look. You either have old fart condo commandos complaining about the color of your mailbox, idiot city officials giving you tickets for not watering your lawn during water restrictions, or some asshole pretending they do not notice that their dog is taking a shit on your walkway.

If I lived in that rat hole of a "city", I would spy on the Mayor, and turn his ass in for every single water violation I could see. Then complain at public meetings when his brown lawn violated "code". Make him re-sod his lawn. And then turn his ass in for more water violations. Sooner or later the stupid code will be changed, and the lawn police will have to find something else to do. Something useful. Like report pot holes so that the road crews can fill them in. That would actually improve things a little - so forget that ever happening.

Or what the hell. Give him a truck load of free fertilizer. I am sure that the Miami Metrozoo has a few hundred pounds of elephant shit they do not need. Someone living in Riviera Beach, Florida might want to keep this in mind. Can't have the mayor having a brown lawn! Help him keep it green and well fertilized. Along with all members of the lawn police squad.

Seriously - my profile tag line says "I am the last sane person living in Miami". You all do not know just how true that is.

How Much Crack Do Insurance Agents Smoke?

Figure this one out.

The old boat was insured for $2500 and also carried property damage coverage. So if I crashed into a $5 million yacht (CHEAP ASS GHETTO YACHT in the world of luxury boats) the policy would pay for the damage I caused (or $50,000 of it anyway - yacht boy better have his own insurance cause I do not have diddly squat) and also pay me $2500.

The new boat has 6 times the coverage for a little less than double the premiums. So now if I crash into a $5 million luxury yacht, I get paid mo money. At this rate I could just increase the insurance coverage another 6 times, double the yearly premiums again, crash into a marker, and get paid enough to buy a brand new (larger) boat - AND have some money left over for ice and beer.

Of course they would find ways to not pay. They will insure anything for any amount - and gladly collect those premiums - but they will find ways to not pay claims.

For example, today at the boat ramp someone with a nice 30 foot center console boat with twin 250 hp Yamaha 4 stroke outboards (top of the line engines) said that his boat was stolen. They took the engines, the steering, controls, t-top, and all electronics from the boat.

The insurance company refused to pay the claim because "the tires were not removed from the trailer". The guy claims this was not written in the policy. So what the hell is the point in the insurance? Might as well not have the shit and just save the money you are wasting in premiums.

Or maybe I can start an insurance company! Give me your money, and I will insure anything for cheap. Property insurance? Got you covered! You live on the water and need flood coverage? NO PROBLEM! Give me your money and Ill give you a paper saying anything you want.

But if you make a claim (like if s hurricane comes) then I will just go "out of business" and you can have all "company assets" - which will consist of a file cabinet with other policies, an office swivel chair, a computer (loaded with cool games), and a copy of the "Don't Worry Be Happy" CD. Thats it! All the money will have gone to me as "salary". Can't go after me, for I will just be the President of the corporation.

Anyway, the new boat will have a valid policy soon. And I suppose I should get the thing registered. And get a tag for the trailer.

DO NOT TELL WEST MIAMI POLICE, but when I towed the boat out today I just used a tag from another trailer. Technically not legal, but I got away with it. How is anyone going to know a Magic Tilt trailer from a Rocket trailer anyway? Huh? You tell me. The sticker that says "Rocket" may be an issue, but I was counting on that little detail being overlooked.

Anyway I will get a proper tag for the trailer. And boat insurance, even if the bastards will try to find ways to not pay any claims I might have to file. Ill break into the insurance company office and hide rusty nails in all the office chairs. Or maybe fill the water cooler with killer bees. Or something.

Next weekend is some sort of holiday or something. This means the boat ramps will be extra super mega crazy. So I will avoid them. Maybe I can swing a weekday trip? Probably not. I still need to add the electronics (GPS and radio) and get the fish finder.

Getting Harassed By The Man

So today I am minding my own business, driving home from River Marine (located very close to downtown Miami). Being in the number 1 place in the nation for road rage, I was trying not to get pissed off. I was concentrating on the fact that I found 12 gauge marine grade electrical wire for only $26 for a 100 foot spool! Marine grade wire is 100% tinned copper, as opposed to bare copper. The tinning makes it resistant to corrosion and stuff. I also found marine grade crimp connectors. And some premium 2 cycle engine oil formulated for fuel injected outboards.

Worst Marine wants $20 for a 30 foot spool of 14 gauge marine wire, and $60 for a 100 foot spool. 14 gauge is not as thick as 12 gauge.

Anyway, I was driving home minding my own business. And then I could smell bacon, stale coffee, and fresh donuts. Next thing I know I am getting flagged down.

It seems that a porker was hiding behind a tree writing up business. They are cracking down on people blocking intersections. I was not doing this. I supposedly make an "illegal lane change". I did not realize there was such a thing in Miami-Dade County.

Now I may be guilty here. I probably am. But the path was clear! I did not cut anyone off or almost cause an accident or anything. I was actually trying to get out of the intersection because I did not want to block it because then the cross traffic could not move. Everyone came to a stop, and I was in the intersection. So I got out of the way. I did not block cross traffic! Can't say I did that!

But I got harassed anyway. Someone was preventing crime from behind a tree. I hope birds were also using that tree to roost in. And I hope those birds were having serious digestion problems because someone fed them Ex-Lax bird seed.

Anyhow, now I have a variety of choices. I can hire a leach lawyer, sign up for comedy traffic school and pay the ticket, or pay the ticket and not do the traffic school scam thing. If I hire a cheese head, I might be not guilty. Kind of like OJ is "not guilty". If I sign up for traffic school I get a discount on the fine and no points on the drivers license. If I just pay the fine I get points and my insurance goes up.

Last time I was harassed, I hired a cheese head. I was found to be not guilty. I was not even there to find out how not guilty I was! I got a letter from the cheese head.

But I was really guilty as hell. I was driving a little fast, and I did not notice the red and blue lights behind me for at least a mile. OOPS! Cops hate it then they want to harass you and you do not stop right away. Plus it was raining and the cop had to get out of his car and get his hat wet. They HATE to get their hat wet. I am lucky I was not clubbed like a baby harp seal.

So I have to weigh my options here. Will the West Miami Po Po show up to court? If so, the cheese head option may not work. They were doing the traffic trap thing and West Miami is a small department, so it is possible the cops will be in court. If I do the traffic school thing I get no points and nothing shows up on my record, but I have to face the fact that I did it. Just paying the fine is the WORST option. You have to be a total idiot to do that.

Anyway, I almost made it home without getting pissed off. See why Miami is number 1 for road rage?

Nest time, I will drive around the Shitty of West Miami. Did I say "shitty"? Yea I guess I did. Darn speech impediment! One of these days my intensive speech therapy will pay off and I will be able to properly say "city". But who knows when that will be.

Friday Fun

Here it is. Friday again.

I have to take the truck in for the 60,000 mile service. They are going to do all sorts of crap to it. In addition to the oil change I think there is a radiator flush, transmission fluid change, new spark plugs, and all sorts of shit.

Unless I get lazy and fail to bring the truck in. If this happens then it will have to be sometime next week.

But I hate going to the evil dealer for auto service. For one, the coffee machine is always empty. And when it is not empty the coffee sucks ass. And they only spring for two boxes of donuts, which are quickly consumed. There is a nice LCD hi-def TV in the waiting lounge, but there is no cable service. So you can watch The Price Is Right. In low def. You can hardly even see Bob Barker's wrinkles.

So I hate going in for service. Usually I can not find anyone to follow me to the place, so I end up having to wait. And it takes so long. The only good part is that a Flannagin's recently opened near the place. So I can go there and get beer and chicken wings while the wrench monkeys take two hours to change the oil.

But this time it will be different! I hope. I think I found a patsy to give me a ride while I am truck-less.

I will be at the public boat ramp Saturday. Not to launch the boat. I have to go there to do safety checks. It will be a fun time, because you get to watch the madness as people try to get boats into and out of the water. It is usually entertaining. If I am lucky I will get to see a fight.

We're Number 1!

Miami is number 1 at something. Out of all the cities in the USA, we beat em all! The Mayor of Miami-Dade was going to have a parade this weekend.

It seems that Miami-Dade County is number 1 for ROAD RAGE! The parade plans were scrapped out of fear that the road closures would piss people off. Of course this would help us keep our number 1 status!

The city that is the biggest loser is Minneapolis. LOOOOOOO-SERRRRRRRRR! Minneapolis will never catch up to Miami! No friggin way! I intend to drive even worse now, so that we can remain number 1. Miami even beat out LA and New York City! We have come a long way.

Now here is the funny part.

According to the survey, some of the common road rage triggers in Miami include speeding, tailgating, cutting into traffic and having parking places stolen. Drivers in Miami are often angered by tailgating, with 63 percent of drivers saying they see the behavior daily. The survey found that half of the drivers in Miami will have the experience of having a parking place stolen from them. One-fourth of all drivers surveyed said that they see drivers run red lights every day.

What is this whining crap? Well this is to the 63% of drivers who see tailgating daily. YOU ARE PROBABLY THE ONE TAILGATING! Seriously. Bank robbers see a lot of bank robberies! People who grow marijuana see a lot of marijuana plants! And so on. So if you see bad driving every day ask yourself this - who is the bad driver? Are you seeing it because YOU are the one doing it?

Most likely. People here seem to think that everyone else in an asshole, but they are a friggin Saint. They are not the bad driver, everyone else is. When they run a red light, there is a good reason! It was yellow! They could not stop in time! They are running late!

But when someone else run a light, they are an asshole.

The same holds true for all other road range inducers. I can tailgate - but you better not tailgate me! I can not use turn signals, but if you do not use them I get pissed. I can cut you off, but anyone who cuts me off will get shot.

This is the Miami mentality. You are always perfect, everyone else sucks. So as a result, Miami is number 1 in the nation for road rage.

My contribution to this is simple really. I try to abide by all the rules. Since everyone expects me to violate the rules, I create road rage by not doing so. The driver behind me expects me to run a red light - and I do not do it. I stop. So he has to slam on his brakes to prevent a collision. And so does the person behind them. This causes road rage. I take off slowly from a stop. Why waste the gas? I am just going to get stuck at the next light anyway! This causes road rage. When I tow the boat I cause all manners of road rage. HOW DARE I drive below the posted speed limit! I should be at least 10 mph over the posted speed limit. It does not matter I am pulling over a ton of extra weight.

So this is how I am an asshole, and how I contribute to the number 1 status. I simply do not care. If someone behind me is upset, I fix this by turning up music volume till I can not hear the horns. I paid to have all the speakers in the truck upgraded, and I had an amp installed as well.

Got Nothing, So I Will Post About Comments.

Meow asked about christening the boat. I do have a thing planned. I will take a traditional ceremony and modify it slightly. The main modification is going to be substituting beer for champagne. I am not a big wine person anyway.

I will "score" a beer bottle so it will break easy. Then I will fill the scored bottle back up with beer and cap it. The beer will have to be flat for safety. The new boat has a stainless steel plate on the bow, perfect for breaking a bottle over. I may have to go through many bottles before I score one without it breaking in the process.

I may also have to arrange for a renaming ceremony. You are "supposed" to ask King Neptune to remove the old boat name from his records, and wipe the old boat name from his memory. Then you rename the boat, and ask King Neptune to enter the new name into his records and memory. Then you wish for fair winds and calm seas. Then you christen the boat with its new name.

Whatever beer you do not dump overboard (to please King Neptune and his court) you get to drink. But King Neptune does not mind very much. He is cool like that.

Or you can skip all that crap and just say a few things, dump beer on the bow and deck, and be done with it. Whatever floats your boat so to speak.

And there seems to be some confusion about my government issue socks. They were not olive green. They were a dark navy blue. Almost black really. And they were this wonderful blend of cotton and polyester.

MOVIE REVIEW - We Were Soldiers. what can I say here? It is another war movie. The movie is based on a real battle in a real war. The first major engagement for US Troops in Vietnam. In 1965. I have seen a lot of war movies, so it is really hard to tell how good the movie was. The movie is based on real events. It is not gritty like "Saving Private Ryan" but it gets the point across well enough.

The Letter

Getting a letter from the Human Resources department of a long ago employer is usually never a good thing. That goes double when the former employer was an agency inside the vast Department Of Homeland Security!

So today while I am up to my armpits in boat stuff (not really, I was just swapping out some stuff) the mail arrives. No big deal. I check the mail an there is a letter from the Transportation Security Administration.

Uh oh! What do these people want? Did they find out about the 10 or so pairs of vinyl gloves I took? Or the uniform issue socks I kept? Those were some nice socks. The BEST part of working for the federal government is the socks they issue you. If you are a uniformed employee. Really, they gave me the best socks anyone has ever owned. I figured it was OK to keep them, because there were no logos or agency emblems on the socks. I could not try to impersonate a TSA employee while wearing the socks. And besides, the socks were in my feet! Did they really want them back?

If there was a way to do so, I would have a portion of my tax return converted into government uniform issue socks. I think a lot of people would do this. When I was working for them I had a chance to spend up to $70 in free money on uniform parts. But due to my high ethics I did not use any of that money. You see I did not need any uniform parts. I SHOULD HAVE ordered as many socks as that $70 would buy.

Anyway, the letter had nothing to do with gloves or socks. It was about something else.

Now keep in mind this the the Department of Homeland SECURITY. Notice how the emphasis is on the word "security".

It seems the TSA has "lost" an external hard drive containing all sorts of personal data. Names, social security numbers, birth dates, payroll info, bank account numbers, routing numbers, and whatever.

So Homeland "Security" keeps this stuff on an external hard drive huh? One would think that stuff would be on some sort of data storage device BOLTED TO SOMETHING LARGE AND HEAVY. They do not know if the device is in the HQ, out of the HQ, on the Mars Global Surveyor Spacecraft, or for sale on E-Bay. But they have launched an investigation!

I got something for you guys to investigate. Investigate why this info was on an external hard drive in the first place. It should be on a secure server, in a server vault, behind 4 or 5 locked security doors, and bolted down so it is hard to move. You guys are the security department! You can afford some doors like they have in Super Max Prisons.

Anyway, they are nice enough to give me 1 year free access to this great data monitoring service, which of course I signed up for. Now anytime anyone (even me) tries to open an account using my info the cell phone will ring and I have to enter my secret number or else the application is rejected. I hope I do not forget the secret number.

They also told me to contact the three credit reporting agencies and have a fraud alert placed on my files, which I did. Here are the agencies and the fraud numbers. You should probably write these down and keep them handy in case you ever suspect some funny business is going on.

Equifax: 1-800-525-6285
Experian: 1-888-397-3742
Trans Union: 1-800-680-7289

You only need to have a fraud alert placed with one agency. I called Equifax and the nice computer generated voice said that it would contact the other two agencies for me, so I did not need to call them. What a nice computer! I bet that computer's hard drive is not external!

Anyway, my mama did not raise no fool. I have been paying a monthly fee to have my credit monitored. With all the ID theft going on I decided it was a good idea. Plus, I can get my credit score whenever I want. So if you do not have a credit monitoring service, you may want to get one. It is not very expensive. And if it catches one fraud attempt you will be really happy you have it.

TSA ends the letter by saying they are "profoundly sorry". But I already knew they were profoundly sorry. OK OK bad joke there! They are just regular sorry. Ill stop now. Because really this is not that big of a deal. There is no evidence anything screwy is going on with my info. Most likely any investigation will turn up a big fat nothing. I am not too worried.

You see, the credit monitoring service I pay for has not alerted me to anything. So that means nothing is going on. With the totally ass kicking service they are giving me for free, and the service I am still going to pay for, and the fraud alert I just placed - my credit is pretty safe. Any attempted fraud will be detected and stopped within 10 minutes.

The swapping of crap from old boat to new boat is going well. I have a plan to mount the waterproof automatic battery charger in one place and then run wires to the batteries in another place. I installed the good speakers I bought for the old boat into the new boat. I also ordered another pair of the same speakers. The new boat has holes cut for 4 speakers. The speakers the new boat came with were cheapo marine speakers anyway, and needed to be replaced.

The boat tunes should sound much better. Boat tunes are important. I might even throw in a 4 channel marine amp for some extra kick at some point in the future.

So what is left to do? Install and wire up the stereo, replace the other two old speakers with new Pioneer TS-MR1640s, install and wire up my DSC ready VHF radio, install the GPS / Chartplotter, find a home for the battery charger, and think about which sound producing device I should get.

Weekend Recap

Well I hit rock bottom. I am reduced to drinking a Bacardi Silver. Yea, things must be bad. But it is my fault. I allowed myself to run out of Sam Adams Boston Lager. I have no idea how long the Bacardi Silver has been in the fridge but the bottle cap had some rust on it. I think someone I took out on the boat last summer (at least, maybe longer) took a 6 pack on board and did not consume them all. There are some rust stains on the bottle, and the twist off cap would not twist off. But hey, it still has fizz! So it must be good. And if I get violently ill, Bacardi has money. Ill wrangle a few grand from them. Assuming I survive.

Mother's Day went over well. I gave ma the card and stuff. I did not have to go see The Lion King. After the play was over the parents went to Outback so I showed up. I screwed up by having a Coopers Sparkling Ale. Then another. But when I get home I want one more and all I have are the ancient emergency Bacardi Silvers.

I pulled almost everything out of the old boat! I got something done today. Amazing. I pulled out the wires and shit for the GPS chartplotter. I pulled out the satellite radio antenna and all related equioment. I pulled out the VHF radio mount and microphone hanger thing. I pulled out the marine stereo. I pulled the two good speakers. I swapped the Quik-Fill battery caps out of the old boat for the regular battery caps in the new boat. The Quik-Fill caps are nice. With them installed you can add water to the battery cells without having to pull them out. And I removed the on board automatic battery charger. Oh yea and the boat hook. I need the boat hook. Kind of. I have never used the boat hook, but I still need one. I do not know for what. Maybe to club someone with or something.

After removing all the stuff I added, suddenly the boat wiring does not look so scary. I need to do a better job with the new boat and not be such a slack ass. Bare wires wrapped around the battery terminal with an in line fuse attached is not the right way to do things. It works, but it is not right. I need to be more careful to use proper crimp connectors, and run everything to the main fuse block.

And there was some serious heavy duty boat bonding going on. I dropped a floor locker hatch on the new boat onto my foot. Skinned the top of my right foot a little. So now my sock will stick to my foot. No beer was involved. A boat is not yours till you bleed on the deck. But I did not bleed on the deck. The foot skinning was not bad enough. So that means I will do something else even more stupid at some point. I can not just cut myself on purpose - the blood letting has to be an accident to make the Boat Gods happy. So you never know when it is going to happen. That is part of the fun.

But all was not fun and games. There is no place to mount the on board automatic battery charger. So I will have to put the thing in the center console space and then run wires to the batteries under the deck. It is going to be a pain in the ass, but it has to be done. Keeping the batteries topped off makes them last longer. They are 100% charged and topped off with distilled water. Life is good.

I still need to remove two of the speakers from the new boat and transplant them to the old boat. Then put the speakers from the old boat into the new boat. And then figure out where to mount all the other crap I pulled out of the old boat. I also need to transplant the GPS antenna, and remove the official galvanized steel John Deere beer bottle opener. The beer bottle opener was a gift and MUST be transplanted. All the other crap was optional.

What Was I Supposed To Remember Today?!?!

OH yea, Mother's Day! I remember now.

I hope everyone got all their Mother's Day supplies. If not, you could be in deep dog doo doo. Ma wiped your ass and cleaned up your barf when you were a baby. The least you can do is get a friggin card!

Anyway, this year I get off easy. Last year my dad had to work. I did too for that matter. But I told the people at work "no way am I staying here for any overtime! Forget it! I have more important things to do! Fire me if you want, I do not give a crap!".

NOTE - none of that actually happened. I did not have to stay for any overtime. I forgot when I left the office but it was still daylight. I am thinking 6 PM? Something like that. I made dinner reservations at the historic Biltmore Hotel in Coral Gables. At the Courtyard Grill. It was pretty nice. The hotel is was built in 1925 and opened in 1926 for a cost of $10 million. A shit load back then. And it is grand! The Roaring 20s were going full blast. It is something right out of The Great Gatsby.

Anyhow, that was last year. This year my dad does not have to work. So mom is going to see "The Lion King" at the Miami Performing Arts Center. I am going to weasel my way out of going. It is not the movie, it is some kind of musical Broadway style deal.

Not to be confused with "The Lyin' King". That is a totally different show.

Both these links are a little dated, but they go back to the Disney Movie. That was a long time ago. They are still kind of funny I suppose.

So I get to not go see the musical. This is not so bad. I probably did not want to see it anyway. Musical theater is not my thing. But mom likes that crap. So she gets to go see the show. Because it is her day.

I get to stay at home. Pulling stuff out of the old boat and transplanting it to the new boat. Here is a partial list of things that need to be transplanted!

1. The marine AM/FM/Cassette radio. Yes cassette. I got the thing for $25 brand new. And it was made for boats. The radio is built into a waterproof enclosure. It was so cheap because it was being closed out. Everyone wants a CD player now.

2. The satellite radio antenna and antenna mount thing, along with the power cable and stuff for the satellite radio tuner

3. The on board marine dual bank 10 amp battery charger.

4. The cool battery caps that allow me to fill the cells with distilled water without having to pull the batteries out. I just stick a tube in the distilled water jug, and pump this hand thing till the ball is hard and the cells are full. See how easy that was?

5. The good speakers I bought. The not as good speakers in the new boat will go back to the old boat. Otherwise, there will be big ugly holes in the old boat.

6. The mount and wires for the chart plotter.

7. The mount for the VHF radio.

8. Maybe some other things. Like the fish finder. It depends on how hard it is going to be to pull the cables for that thing. But then there are holes in the transom to plug up and stuff - so I might just get a newer fish finder. A little better one. I am leaning towards the Humminbird 737.

Thus the cycle is complete. While I will sell the old boat, and it will go away to live with someone else, part of it will live on in the new boat.

Crazy Lazy

Today was a kind of crappy day, which made it a good day. It was pretty much what I needed.

The smoke is back. It is lingering in the air. Like a fart in an elevator. Unlike a rank elevator fart I think I am used to the smell. I do not notice it anymore. But today the sun looked more like the moon. The haze in the air blotted it out. You could look directly at the sun without it bothering your eyes.

By the way, in the Iguana Links there is a link to the most current fire map.

But the smoke is here because of a stiff wind. And this stiff wind whipped up some nice whitecaps in the bay. This is where it gets good. I wanted those whitecaps.

Needless to say, the water test of the power cat went well. They do ride as nice as everyone says. The boat went right up on a plane, no problems at all. Usually the bow pitches up, the boat makes its way over the bow wave, and then the bow settles down. Cats do not do this. They do not push their way over the bow wave. They cut through it. The boat just rises out of the water and goes.

So anyway, long story short I have a new cat. The financing company liked the ride as much as I did. So it is here now.

As part of the water test, I took her into the wind and chop at all speeds from idle to full throttle. No problems. The ride was much nicer than it would have been in the old boat. No bouncing around at all. I also took the cat into a beam sea. A beam sea is the WORST conditions you can take a boat into. When you are running a "beam sea" it means you are running parallel to the wave lines. The waves hit the boat along the side. The boat handled it without a problem.

Running a following sea was fun really. The boat just skipped along like nothing.

The old boat will outrun the cat on glass smooth water. The old boat can top 40 mph, while the cat reaches a top speed of about 35 mph. But under all but the absolute BEST conditions, the cat gives a better and drier ride. It really is amazing how the thing runs.

Oh one other thing. The turns. The cat can turn tight. And the boat does not lean in a turn. It turns more like a car with VERY stiff suspension. You can turn and throw everyone on the boat over the side. So I have to remember to turn slowly and gently. At least until I get used to the way the boat feels underway.

Now begins the process of removing some things from the old boat and placing them in the new boat. Like the on board battery charger. And the marine cassette player / FM/AM radio. Yes cassette player. I use a satellite radio tuner on the boat - so that means I should probably remove the satellite radio antenna. And some other things.

More pictures of the power cat once I get it back in the water.

And I need a name for the boat. I was thinking of some cat theme names, but they all suck.

1. Cat Box
2. Toxoplasmosis

That is it. But "Cat Box"? Talk about a shitty boat name! Cant really get shittier than Cat Box! And Toxoplasmosis is just as bad. It is too long, and a disease to boot. Another bad boat name. Might as well name it "artificial reef" or something. The previous owner called the boat "Seagull". I may just keep that name. It is already written in the hull. Seagull is the name of the company that made the boat. But I have some ideas for another name that is not shitty or a horrible disease.

Trials And Tribulations

Today is the day! I sea test the power cat. I really want to know how these boats ride. Is it all hype, or do they really ride smoother than anything else of the same size on the water? I will find out. If the boat rides nice, and I am happy with the way it handles and the way it is powered, and I can find nothing wrong with it (stress cracks. corrosion, and so on) then the rest of the process begins.

FIRE SITUATION! Florida is still on fire. The State has updated fire maps every day, sometimes multiple times a day. But I am far too lazy to bother to post it. Just trust me - there is still a lot of shit on fire. But the smoke is gone from South Florida. At least from Miami-Dade County. My air is crisp and clean again.

FAKE STORM UPDATE! The first storm of the season looks like it is a fake storm. It is loosing strength, and moving away from land. We really needed the rain, but all we got was a nice breeze. A breeze that would have been perfect, except it is fueling the fires.

People have complained that there is not enough funny shit here. But I can not really think up any funny shit to post here right now. That takes a lot of effort you know.
Maybe I need to expose myself to more funny crap. Saturday I will spend some time at a public boat ramp, I am bound to see some funny stuff there! But today, the funny well is dry.

Probably because of..........

MOVIE REVIEW!

Deliver Us From Evil. Father O'Grady is the trusted Parish Priest. Only problem is that he is a child molester. This movie is true. And it is not a movie. It is a series of interviews from victims (all children at the time), parents of victims, police, layers for victims families, and taped court testimony of the Bishop who knew what was going on. Letters written by the creep and his boss the bishop are shown, taken from court records and given over by victims families.

And then there are the parts where O'Grady himself talks on camera.

Deliver Us From Evil is hard to watch. Not because of gross recreations of events. Not because of fake movie gore. It is hard to watch because it is 100% true. Parents talking about how they let a man live in their home, tithing to the church, paying tuition for a church private school - all so O'Grady could rape their 5 year old girl. in their own home. Can you imagine that? And why did the girl in question not say anything? Her father told her that if anyone did anything bad to her, he would kill them. She asked a friend what would happen if her father killed someone. The friend replied that her father would go to jail forever. So they did not say anything, our of fear that her father would end up in jail. She was only 5 or 6 years old. The abuse continued till she was 12.

But people need to watch it. Here is this group, making pronouncements on morality for EVERYTHING. Abortion sends you to hell. Being gay sends you to hell. Sex out of marriage sends you to hell. But a priest fucking a child is OK. What a bunch of bullshit. And yes, it DOES reach all the way up to the current Pope.

I am happy that I never gave one single dime to the Catholic Church after watching this. I know that none of my money will ever pay for this to happen to anyone. Heavy shit, I know. Blame Netflix - it suggested this movie to me because I liked some other documentaries.

Hard hitting, moving, highly disturbing, scary, sickening, and angering. All wrapped up in one film. Some people simply do not deserve forgiveness. O'Grady is one of those people.

Might As Well Take Up Smoking

OK so I already mentioned that the State is on fire. But I must be exaggerating.

This is a fire map of Florida. I indicated my approximate position with the arrow. The fire icon things are the various fires currently burning. Or at least currently burning at the time the map was created - May 9, 2007 at 1600.

So at this point I might as well take up smoking. Why not. I am breathing smoke anyway, so I might as well get something out of it right? The haze is still here. Hippies all over the State are smoking weed, and when the cops pull them over and say "what is all this smoke in your car" they respond "hey man! My AC is like broken or something. I have to drive with the windows down". There is that much smoke hanging out. The funk is funky. And the fires are not really close to me! I can not see any smoke plumes off in the distance, just this haze that leaves a very fine layer of ash on my vehicle. I notice the ash mostly on the windshield.

But there is some hope! Yes, the dry conditions may or may not continue through the week! Because........

That is right! Hurricane season is not even here yet, and this shit is already going on. The first named storm of 2007, and guess where it is going? Well we DO need the rain, but not really the winds. Unless those winds push all the smoke somewhere else.

But this is not a tropical storm! It is a SUBTROPICAL storm! What does that mean? It seems that Andrea is a cold core storm. Sort of similar to a "noreaster". Tropical systems are warm core. Anyway, the strong winds for this thing will reach out much further from the center of circulation than they would for a tropical system. The good news is that it is not very likely to intensify. But even if you are at the edge of the cone of death (in this case a circle of death) you could get strong winds.

But we need the rain. And the cone being a circle means that the thing is supposed to stall out. Right offshore. And heading to exactly where the rain needs to fall to give the big lake a drink. The big lake needs the water. Of course so do the other parts of the State on fire! But not everywhere can get rained on by the first named storm of 2007.

NOTICE TO SNOWBIRDS - now is the time to get the hell out. You have stolen the last package of Sweet-N-Low from the Denny's for this season. Time to pack up the RV and go back north. You may return for more sugar substitute when Hurricane Season 2007 is over. Snowbirds can not hack a hurricane season like us true blue native lifelong Floridians can.

I water test the power cat Friday afternoon. Wish for rough seas for me! I need snotty conditions to test the ride on the boat. I want 15 - 20 knot sustained winds, blowing over the bay for at least 24 hours. I want the surf in the bay to be whipped up good. Moderate to heavy chop is really what I want to see! Maybe this storm thing will help me out there. Currently the forecast is 5 - 10 knot winds, bay waters at a light chop.

Oh yea, in case you did not notice I added IGUANA LINKS to the left sidebar, right under the online visitors thing. The Hull Truth is a boating form. There is also a link for South Florida marine weather (and land weather for that matter) and a link to the Hurricane Center prediction office. Both the weather links are from the National Weather Service.

And there is new Iguana Music, that has nothing to do with any Queen.

Do You Smell BBQ?

Funny story about the post title. When I was working for Homeland Security as a TSA screener, another screener told me this story.

He was driving around with three of his friends in a Ford Ranger extended cab truck. It was late at night and everyone was hungry. The driver dude realizes that he has to fart really bad. So he quickly locks the windows (so nobody can roll them down), kicks the AC to recirculate, farts, then says to everyone "hey do you smell BBQ?". Of course everyone starts to sniff the air. You can probably figure out what happened next.

These are the kinds of people who are looking through your carry on bags when you travel by air. Just so you know. Just regular fun people!

But today is not going to be a very fart intensive day. The entire State of FL smells like BBQ. Bad BBQ. Because you see, Florida is on fire. I think the whole state is going to burn up. I have instituted emergency fire plan alpha, which calls for the boat to maintain a full tank, all fishing gear on board, and be ready to hitch up and launch at moments notice. Should the wild fires set Miami on fire, I just take the boat to the nearest ramp, launch it. and haul ass to the middle of the bay. I should be somewhat safe there. My food will come from the sea. Like Emperor Nero I will watch Rome burn, and then when the fire is out return and claim some primo water front property as mine. SQUATTERS RIGHTS RULE!

How bad is it? Lets just say that there was so much smoke and haze in the air visibility was at best three miles. The air here is usually clear due to the land / sea breeze. You see, in the daytime the land heats up faster than the water. Hot air rises. As the hot land air rises, the relatively cooler ocean air moves in to fill the void. At night the process reverses. So our air is normally fairly clean.

The fires are not really close to South Florida. They are more in the Central Florida and North Florida areas. So for the haze to be this thick down here it has to be really bad up there.

The State pretty much needs this years quota of rain, plus another whole years worth of rain. And this rain needs to fall on the right place - between the big lake with the funny name and Orlando. And it needs to fall slowly so the ground can soak it up.

North Florida also needs some of that rain. As far as ground water goes, South Florida is still doing OK. We just need our normal amount of rain down here. Hopefully our extra rain will go up north.

It still smells like a wildfire outside. And inside for that matter. It is not as strong inside because I notice the smell when I step out. I do not know if it is smoke haze or clouds, but I can not really see any stars in the sky. I only see one object in the sky, and I think it is Venus. It is too bright to be a star, and it is yellow in color. So it is either Saturn or Venus. By the brightness I suspect Venus. Usually I can see a dozen or so stars even with the light pollution.

The Toshiba laptop is having issues. The CD Rom drive has crapped out. It has been crapping out for some time - working some times and not working other times. But now all it does is try to spin up over and over. Like the motor is starting and stopping. The eject button does not even work anymore. I may need a new computer soon. Not too soon I hope.

Ba D Fun Fact

New Iguana Music. The song title is the same, but the music and words are a little bit different. This Iguana Music feature was banned by the BBC. I wonder why?

First, I was asked for a BOAT FUN FACT! So here it goes. It seems that someone may not think my Queen fun facts were very fun. I do admit that the last one was lame. I could not think of something to make up so I searched the internet for a real one. The one I stole from Nataliedee.com was the best however.

Ever hear the term "three sheets to the wind" applied to someone who is drunk? You know, you see someone who is so drunk they can not even walk straight. They are wobbling and taking steps sideways and going backwards and whatever. It is like their brain is not connected to their feet. This person is "three sheets to the wind".

On a sailboat, the lines that hold the sails fast are called "sheets". If your sheet line snaps, that sail will not be able to harness the wind. It will just flop about all willy-nilly. So if you are on a traditional triple masted merchant sailing ship and your "three sheets are to the wind" then you have no control over the boat. None. Your boat will go wherever the current and wind push it. Most of the time, this is where you do not want to go.

Cool huh?

And now for my day!

I did drive all the way to the keys to look at another boat. The boat I saw is not as pretty as the other boat I looked at. But this boat is a 1996, the other is a 2001. The 96 boat is bigger - 22 foot VS 19 foot. The beam (width) is the same. This boat has twin 90 HP outboards.

I liked the boat, but I think the guy is still asking a little too much. And it has no trailer. It was sitting in the water, but not for too terribly long. It is sea worthy. I am facing a little bit of a crisis here. The 22 footer is larger and will therefore give a better ride. But it is heavier. I think it may be just a little underpowered with the twin 90 mp engines. With one person it would be fine - but loaded with fuel and ice and beer and 4 people it may be a little sluggish. It has a place to put a toilet.

But the 19 footer is prettier and newer. And it has a trailer.

Anyway, here are some photos. Click the photo for a larger image.

This is the east side of the 7 mile bridge. I took it while driving. Bit if you make the photo larger, you can read the road sign that says "7 mile bridge".

And here is another photo of the bridge, about a mile or two in. To the right you can see the old bridge, preserved for historical reasons. And also for fishing pier reasons. And also because there is some research center on a small plot of land in the middle of the old bridge. And also because leaving it alone is cheaper than messing with it. Off on the distance you can see where the bridge goes over the main channel. Also you can see it was a less than perfect day.

Oh yea, and I saw an endangered key deer. They are like regular deer, only much smaller. And they can swim. No photo of the deer, I had to drive. As you can see the road is a two lane highway. Accidents on the 7 mile bridge are usually VERY bad because most of them involve head on collisions at high speed. But I saw the key deer on Big Pine Key not the bridge.

Busy Monday

MOVIE REVIEWS! That is right, reviews. As in more than one. But less than three.

1. Crude Awakening: The Oil Crash - kind of alarming really. What happens at peak oil? Are we there yet? Are we ignoring it? How much longer can the party last? Who knows. Maybe we are at peak oil now. The film goes into the history of oil, and how in less than 100 years the USA has pretty much been pumped dry. They show the former oil boom tons in Texas, now populated by more rusting machinery than people. And they interview people that live there and remember the boom saying how everyone said the oil would never run out. Only it did. The UK has almost pumped the North Sea reserves dry. Some fields in Venezuela are dry. Pretty much the only place that has not hit peak in the Middle East - but you have to believe them when they say so. Saudi Arabia has reported the same reserves for many years now.

Tears Of The Sun - Civil war breaks out in Congo. Some US Navy Seals are ordered to go to a mission and get the foreign nationals out. But the doctor woman will not leave without the refugees that are in the mission. The Seal team leader has to decide what to do. Leave the people there to die, or try to help them.

And thus, the movie reviews are concluded. For now.

What an ACTION PACKED WEEK I have in store! I got so much going on that I will be busy every day! I am having to take some time off the sideline job to get it all done.

Today I have to drive to the Keys. Yea I know - you pitty me. What a horrible thing to have to do. Ill bring back a photo of the 7 mile bridge. I am going to be 17 miles from Key West to look at a boat. A 22 foot power cat. I really do not know what to expect from this boat. She will have to be really clean to compete with the 19 foot power cat. Then on the way back I have to complete a spy mission to a food and beer place. It seems that the place is popular with the locals, and off the main road so the tourists do not know about it. Then return home. Oh yea and I might go to Sloppy Joe's for a beer. Why the hell not. I will be 17 miles from the place. But parking in Old Town Key West is a pain in the ass. So I may not go.

FUN QUEEN FACT! This will be the last fun fact. I think the Queen ends her visit today. Horses and custom-built, chauffered Rolls Royces and Bentleys are fine for outings but it wasn't always so. Queen Elizabeth learned how to drive in 1945 when she joined the Army. Speaking of transportation, the queen also ventured into the London subway. In May 1939, she and her governess Marion Crawford along with Princess Margaret dared to take the Tube.

New Relationships

I think I may be in love. I like my current girl OK, but she is getting old. She treats me all right, never really letting me down and all. I hope we can still be friends. But I saw a new girl today. And she is HOTTT. With three Ts.

And here she is. This is the view looking at her bow. She is living with some other dude now, but he is also moving on to a larger bodied companion. He likes em big I suppose - while I am more into the slim and trim look.

Right now we are just flirting. I did go over to see her today, as you can see by the picture I took. We talked a bit and stuff. Ill keep everyone updated about how this works out.

And now......HOW TO OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITHOUT USING A BOTTLE OPENER! Everyone knows that all the good beers come in non screw off tops. Well not ALL the good beer - Sierra Nevada beer comes with a twist off top. I think Dogfish Head Brewery also uses twist off tops. Sierra Nevada and Dogfish Head make some ass kicking beers. Very good stuff there.

But what do you do when you get a pop off top, and you do not have a bottle opener handy?

First off - and this is VERY important - DO NOT PANIC! Everything will be OK. Soon that top will be off and you will be less thirsty.

Look around for something hard with an edge or corner or ledge or something. Examples include a window sill, a table edge, a flat part of a boat trailer, the top edge of your car door, an anvil, or anything else with a hard flat edge to it.

Now for the fun part. Rest the beer bottle cap edge on the hard object. You probably have to angle the bottle slightly. The edge of the bottle cap should "hook" the edge of the hard object edge. Now make a fist. While holding the bottle in one hand, strike the top of the bottle cap with your closed fist. You have to strike it like you mean it, but not too hard. A medium force blow will do it.

At this point, the cap should be off and your beer should be open. If the cap is still there, you did not hit it hard enough OR the object you picked to use is not hard enough. If the beer foams too much, it may be too warm OR you hit the cap too hard. If the bottle chips or breaks - you hit it way too hard.

With practice, you can quickly open a beer without causing too much foam or breaking the bottle - even if you are a mile away from a "bottle opener".

NOTE - do not try this method on antique wood furniture. If you are using a car door, it is not recommended that you use a new car or a car you give a shit about the paint on.

FUN QUEEN FACT! Did you know the Queen never farts? Yup, that is right! Never. How is this possible?? Back in the 1970s she made a Royal Decree saying so!
nataliedee.com

Stuff On Saturday

You may have noticed I turned off autostart on the Iguana Music.

MOVIE REVIEW! The Good Shepherd.

This is a cold war CIA thriller. And it has all the elements a cold war era CIA thriller should have. The Skull and Bones Society. Russians. Spies. Germans. WWII. British OSS. The Bay Of Pigs. Castro. Cuba. All that Cold War pissing contest stuff.

But - not really my kind of thing. The "action" is kind of slow. Just like in real life. Spies are not like James Bond - they tend to live much more low key lives. And intelligence gathering is also fairly dull.

I found the movie to be somewhat dull. And the movie is long. Ill give it three tail whips, and that is only because the story is good. But the pace is just too slow.

I do not plan to go to the Air and Sea show. I concluded that it is just going to be too crazy out on the water. It is going to be a nice day out on the water - but there are going to be a lot of people out. A large percentage of them will be idiots. I just do not want to deal with it.

FUN QUEEN FACT!

Did you know the Queen can help you remember Morse Code for the letter "Q"? Well she can! And here is how.

THIS is the letter Q in audio format.

Written it looks like this - - . -

Long long short long. Or "dah dah dit dah".

BUT it kind of sounds like "QUEEN QUEEN the QUEEN". The words in all caps are the "longs". So when you hear "dah dah dit dah" think QUEEN QUEEN the QUEEN and then the letter Q pops out. See how easy that was? Now you know one letter in Morse. The rest of them are just as easy to learn.

State Visit

The Iguana Music has been changed in honor of Queen Elizabeth's State visit. Because I can. So I did.

And no, this is not a mistake. What you are hearing IS the UK National Anthem as well as the Royal Anthem. If you are thinking that is in an American song you are wrong. The American version (titled "America" and/or "My Country Tis of Thee") simply stole the UK Anthem and changed the words. Pretty original huh? Anyway it was replaced by The Star Spangled Banner - for better or worse.

I turned the auto play feature back on. I may change this. I really like it off. But hey - the friggin Queen is here. How often does that happen huh?

And how NICE IT IS to have a Head Of State in the USA that can actually speak the language properly! Without spitting on the lawn! And she knows her left from her right. I hope the President does not try to clean his glasses on the Queen's jacket. That would not be good.

In other news, I have considered my boat options!

1. Look at the 19 foot power cat, and make an offer if I think it is worth it.
2. look at the 22 foot power cat, and make an offer if it is not a hunk of crap that has sat in the water and/or has a shot engine
3. look for something else, possibly a walk around cuddy cabin cruiser in a 22 - 25 foot hull.

The good thing is that I will have a newer boat. The bad thing is that a 22 - 25 foot single hull boat will hog up a lot of gas. The catamarans will use less fuel than a similar sized mono hull.

But having a larger boat presents other problems. For one, a 25 foot cuddy cabin is a heavy hull. It is harder to pull. A lot of people get a larger boat and then do not use it as much as the smaller boat because of the added expense and pain in the ass factor.

OR I can repower the current boat. This is an attractive option for many reasons. It does not have to be done now, the current engine works fine. But if I repower, I can get a newer engine. I can sell the engine I have now since it still works. I would look for an EFI engine. These engines will use up to 30% less gas than the engine I have now.

And of course I would take the opportunity to have the boat rewired. With marine grade stuff. I would get all new switches, a new fuse panel, and new gauges. The boat would be good to go for many years.

But really - a slightly larger boat would be great.

Proud To Be An American? I Used To Be.

Here, for your viewing pleasure, the Top 10 George Bush Presidential Moments.

Holy shit is this guy a major embarrassment to the USA. I think public spitting should be against the friggin law. It is gross and unnecessary. This is supposed to be a civilized place with some CLASS - not a giant spittoon. But nobody told this to Bush.

MY MOTHER taught me manners and class. Therefore, I do not hawk a loogie unless I am in the bathroom taking a shit. It seems that W's mother neglected to instruct the nanny's and housekeepers to tell the same to him. But she probably had other things more important to do. Like get her nails done. That is important!

MOVIE REVIEW! Hotel Rwanda.

Paul is a manager of an exclusive 4 star hotel in Rwanda. Paul is a Hutu, but he is married to a Tutsi. Life is good for Paul. His hotel has the finest Scotch, Cuban Cigars, and all manners of luxury goods. All for the guests of the hotel.

Then civil war breaks out. The President of Rwanda is killed. Hutus start killing Tutsis. Paul has a decision to make. Does he turn the hotel into a refugee camp and save lives - using his money and connections to buy protection - or not? Does he risk his life to save others?

Hotel Rwanda is based on a true story. There was a "Paul" in real life. The events depicted in the movie happened. For real. Hotel Rwanda is a very powerful movie because of the fact that it is based in truth. What would you do? I like to think I would do exactly what Paul did - but would I? I have never been held at AK-47 point. Hotel Rwanda is just one of those movies you have to see. Over 1200 people were saved because of the courage of one man. That is what humanity is all about really. Or at least what it should be all about.

Mr. Bojangles is still here. I fed him and now he will not go away. The first two people I tried to pawn him off on failed to bite. But I have other leads. I think. We shall see.

I have a lead for a 19 foot "Seagull" power catamaran with a single 135 HP engine. I plan to take a look at it this weekend. It has a trailer and everything, so it is ready to go.

National Salute

In light of the fact that I had that international phone call a few days ago, and the mentioning of various things that could have triggered the not to super secret phone tapping program to pick up that call - there is NEW IGUANA MUSIC!

I think the song speaks for me very well. Either that or I am just paranoid. Who knows. But anyway, new Iguana Music. Adam Ant will be back for another round in the future.

OH YEA! It is Fleet Week. What the crap is Fleet Week? It is part of the annual Ft. Lauderdale Air And Sea Show! More than just an air show, this is also a sea show! There are several US Navy vessels already here or on their way. The web site says that there will be a Los Angeles Class Nuclear Fast Attack Submarine, a fast warship (all purpose ship), a guided missile frigate, and several landing craft.

And there are the planes. American Airlines will fly a 777 over the show, and also a classic restored DC-3. There will also be a few civilian acrobatic flying demonstrations.

The US Marines will land on Ft Lauderdale Beach in a simulated amphibious attack. With the hovercraft and everything.

Military air teams include the USAF Thunder Birds, the US Navy Blue Angels, a US Army Cobra Helicopter team, a US Coast Guard rescue demo, the US Army and US Navy parachute teams, a US Navy F-18 "Super Hornet" demonstration, a USAFR ParaRescue demo, and flybys by the F-22 "Raptor", USAF Reserve F-16s from the reserve base here, the B-2 "Spirit" stealth bomber, a USAF F-15 "Eagle", a USAF A-10 "Warthog", a USAF B1-B "Lancer" stealth bomber, and the USAF "Heritage" team flying new and classic combat aircraft.

And other stuff.

So I am considering going to the show. But there are issues here. First off, they charge admission to the beach somehow. And there are VERY STRICT "no open container" laws on the beach. And it is illegal to put up any kind of shade device on the beach during the show.
Traffic is a bitch, the roads are closed. So you have to drive to some lot, pay the parking fee, park, then use a shuttle bus to get there.

What a mess.

But then I remembered - this is an air AND sea show! I have a boat. So why not watch the show, for free, from the boat? This will avoid the whole "having to deal with a beach full of idiots" and "the cops will club you if you open a beer" problem. And the boat has built in shade that the cops can not cry about. I will be off the beach, but closer to the air action and navy ships.

But there is a problem. The show exclusion zone goes for about a mile offshore. Ft. Lauderdale lacks any kind of bay - so you are exposed to the Atlantic Ocean. There is no break water of any kind. The water a mile off Ft Lauderdale is like the water 5 miles off Miami.

And the water is deeper. This makes it harder to anchor a boat. I have only 100 feet of anchor line, which is not really enough to get a reliable anchor hold in more than 20 feet of water. I could be trying to anchor up in 30 - 40 feet of water.

And to compound the problem, some of the idiots on the beach will manage to get hold of boats. People that have never used a boat before will be out there. People will be drunk on the water. The public boat ramps will be a total mess.

Inexperienced people who have not bothered to take a basic boating safety class will be out there trying to anchor. They will not have anchor chain attached to the line, they will be using under size anchors, and not be using enough line. So they will be dragging anchor all over the place. Crashing into other boats. And the sheer number of boats that will be there, in addition to the large navy ships and US Coast Guard patrol ships, will kick up the surf.

People that have gone out to see the show from a boat before have told me they would not do it again. And some of these people have 40 footers. So I really have to think about the wisdom of trying to see the air and sea show from the sea. It might just be a horrible idea.

But if I go, I will take pictures!

Cats, Power, Homeland Security, Beer, The Hazards Of Recycling

In this post I will tie three totally unrelated things together, using magic and skill.

The other night I was hanging out here, watching 21 Grams. No big deal. Then the phone rings. The number was all strange and crap. As it turns out, it was one of my operatives calling from Europe to give a spy report.

So we were talking - because I was not paying for the call, and there were many topics. But one topic that was discussed in depth was US Customs regulations, TSA security, and international flights. The overseas operative wants to bring back....LIQUIDS! Yes, liquids. This used to be no big deal - who goes to France and does NOT bring back French Wine? Who goes to Italy and does not bring back Italian Wine? Who goes to Belgium and does not bring back beer? Nobody, thats who. And if you do, you are weird.

But now, thanks to some ASSHOLES in the UK who plotted to blow up a transatlantic flight leaving LHR airport liquids are a big deal. Can the spy carry them on the aircraft? Do the liquids have to be checked? If they are checked, will the routine drop kick from the luggage chuckers break the bottle?

I have to find out. And during the conversation I went over, again, why this stuff is a big deal. So I start to mention things like "binary explosive compounds" and "bomb" and "flight" and "airport" and "terrorist" and "IED" and "ka-boom" and "Bush is a friggin idiot" and all sorts of other things.

DURING an overseas phone call. At some point it occurred to me that it was an overseas call. You know, the kind that The Decider decided it was cool to spy on. I think it was part of one of the Patriot Acts or something. So if I did not mention one (or all) the keywords that cause the recording device to click on and the calls to be traced - then the program is over.

So....SORRY DHS! I forgot it was not a domestic call. Trust me here, my plans are strictly limited to how I can get beer cider from over there to over here. Really! Scan this blog, if you have not already. You will see about 10,000 mentions of beer. My story checks out. Plus I am in your system anyway. You guys have issued me something like 4 IDs now. Give or take. I just want the cider. My overseas operative is kind enough to try to remember to get me some, and I want to make sure they know the procedure. I do not want my stuff to be confiscated at the airport over there. Oh yea and my operative already knows about declaring EVERYTHING on the blue form! Smuggling = BAD! Now if someone had just told that to Colomba Bush....

Anyway enough about Homeland Security and beer! Now onto the hazards of recycling and cats!

This is a hazard of recycling. You see, Sunday night I was taking the blue trash can out to the curb. I put all the glass, metal, and plastic in the blue can. Anyway I hear this noise. It sounded like a kitten meowing across the street. So I go over to investigate, thinking that the meowing is coming from the other side of a fence. Well it was not. The little cat decided I was a tree and started to climb up the leg of my jeans. So I take it home. The other cats HATE the kitten. And I do not need another cat. So now I have to find a home to the thing. But he is still little and cute so the chances are good that someone will take him. I hope.

The little guy is 4 or 5 weeks old by my best estimation. 6 weeks at the oldest. Barely weaned from the mama cat. He likes to climb up on your shoulder and sleep. Or stand there and meow in your ear. Fred, Gigi, Cleo, and Sake all hate him and wish he would go away. I had to hold him still because he would not sit still so I could take his photo. Notice the little bit of white on his paws. Other than that little bit of white, the cat is all gray. The $5 is for scale. The cat is little.

Now for some exciting news!

This is a Glacier Bay power cat! The best of all power boats. This is a photo of a 2007 model. As you can see, this is a split hull boat. Meaning that even standing still, most of the boat is out of the water.

This is a US Navy power cat. As you can see, most of the hull is out of the water. The Glacier Bay is the same way, only much MUCH smaller. But you can see the design clearly here.

The advantages of a power cat are many. First off, you can push a larger boat with less power. This means you can get away with smaller engines. This means LESS FUEL is used. Also the ride is super stable. A power cat can take rougher water than a mono hull. They slice through waves, mono hull boats plow through waves.

I found a 1996 Glacier Bay 22 footer for sale in the Keys. I will go look at it if the guy calls me back. It is a 22 footer, and is powered by twin 90 HP outboards. Twin 90s! In a 22 foot boat! Underpowered? Nope! In fact for the 1996 models the maximum rating is 180 horsepower. So twin 90s are what they all run with. The 2007 models can take optional twin 115 HP engines, but the twin 90s will push it just fine. The engines are made by Yamaha, and Yamaha makes what could possibly be the best marine outboard engines on the market.

By comparison my 18 foot mono hull has a 150 hp engine on it. The larger and heavier cat with only 30 more hp will outrun my 18 footer in all but the calmest water. In glass calm water the 18 footer MAY be able to run a little faster. Maybe.

Another great thing about the power cat design is that the outboards are FAR from each other. With a traditional V or semi-V hull if you hang twins off the back they are right next to each other.

Why do you want the engines apart? So the props are apart. You see, the further apart the props are the better that can work against each other. If I put the port engine in forward idle, and the starboard engine in reverse idle, the boat will turn around in its own length. Using the engines with and against each other I can learn how to do some neat stuff. Like "walk" the boat sideways.

Oh yea, also this boat has a toilet. The current boat has a "piss off the side" style toilet. Most small center console boats hide the toilet in the center console, which is cramped and hard to get in and out of. The Glacier Bay puts the shitter off to the port side. You step down into the part of the hull in contact with the water. The result? A MUCH nicer crapper. Easy to get in and out of.