Waiting For The Worms

Well not really, but I am in wait mode. And Pink Floyd was just playing on Sirius and so I thought of that song from The Wall. So there.

The good news is that the waiting is very very close to being over. So that is good. Everything is good. It all depends on how you look at it. Usually. Well not always. For example, ass cancer is never good. But short of ass cancer, everything is good depending on how you look at it.

DISCLAIMER - the following list may also be bad: heart attacks, stroke, leprosy, flesh eating bacteria, Ebola, olestra, that new diet pill that makes you shit on yourself, voting for Bush, watching Fox news, drinking mercury, breathing asbestos, dropping a bowling ball on your foot, saying "yes those pants make your ass look fat", sneezing while flossing your upper teeth, passing out drunk at a party with your "friends", and wearing Crocs with black socks.

Now I have totally lost my train of thought. It was derailed. I had to look up all those links which I hope you all click on because it is funnier if you do. They are all pretty good links.

I found some new Iguana Music for now. And if you suggested a song in a comment yesterday, I have that. I think.

I need to wash the truck. It could also use some wax. Maybe even the clear coat polish I bought a while ago and have never used. I also need to empty the tool box of all the crap and junk that is in it (most of the stuff back there is junk) so I can remove the tool box and clean the bed rug thing. The bed rug is pretty scary at this point. But I am lazy, and all that sounds like work. I should do it though. Oh yea, the tool box latch thing is not working properly and needs to be fixed. I should take care of that too. But once again, the lazy part comes into play.

And it is so darn hot! The best time to do all the stuff I just listed is when it is not summer.

Love Is A Joke With No Punchline.

See what happens when I make up a title before I write a post? I end up with something that sounds like I stole it from a fortune cookie. But I did not steal it from a fortune cookie. It would be a pretty crappy fortune. But yet it seems to ring true. I am a friggin genius.

But I did steal it. So I am not the genius. Someone else is. But if you do not know where I stole it from - then forget I said that. I did not steal it, I made it up on my own.

I need some new Iguana Music. I have a few song candidates but have not decided on anything.

But this not what I wanted to type about. I wanted to type about....BEER! Yes beer. I went back to Hops for dinner. I went there years ago when the place at The Falls first opened. Anyway the place sucked. The steak was good, but the beer was shitty. It had this "bleach" like taste to it. But the worst of all was my fork. There was crap stuck to it. So I asked for another one. They brought me another fork with crap stuck to it. What the hell? The place had been open for like 2 days! And did the server bother to look at the other fork? NO! They did not even do the "scrape the shit off the fork out of view and pretend it is a new clean fork" thing. So I scraped the fork off myself.

But this was a long time ago. This time I did not get a fork with mystery stuff dried onto it. And the beer was good. I had their "Alligator Porter" and their "Hammerhead Red". The Hammerhead was my favorite of the two. Their light beer tastes like Miller Lite. The food was pretty good too. I had some meatloaf stuff with peppercorn sauce. It was good. So I may have to change my opinion of the place. I like the beer at Titanic better, but the food at Hops is better. So that means I like Titanic better.

At Sanibel there are not any chain supermarkets. In fact, the island bans chains. There is a chain drug store, some chain gas stations, a 7-11 that never gets robbed, and a Dairy Queen. But that is it. There are two supermarkets - Jerry's and Baileys. Baileys had a pretty decent beer selection. So the day I left I bought four 6 packs. Full Sail IPA, Left Hand Brewery "Sawtooth Ale", Dale's Pale Ale (comes in cans!!!) and Harpoon IPA.

I bought a 6 pack of the Full Sail on Saturday. And it was good. So I drank it all. And I bought more because of its IPA goodness. But IPA is not really a hot weather kind of beer. It is fairly "heavy". It usually has a higher than average alcohol content, and a lot of hops bitterness. On a hot summer day out in the boat I want something lighter and more refreshing. Like a Sam Adams Summer Ale or something. Anyhow the Full Sail is good shit.

The Dale's Pale Ale comes in cans. I had one. It is strange. It is not the typical beer in a can. I would not call it an IPA, but I guess it is a pale ale. What the hell is the difference? Well a long time ago the British had a problem. How do you ship beer to India without it going bad? Well the popular beer of that era was the pale ale. So brewers took the pale ale and added more hops. A lot more hops. The alpha acids in the hops act as a natural preservative. And make the beer "bitter". And so the India Pale Ale was born.

Now this Dale's stuff is something else. It has the color I am used to. And there is some hops kick to it. But the beer is more "malty" than hoppy - yet it is not too sweet. I do not know if I like it or not. I have to drink more to figure that out. So far I am leaning towards liking it. Even if it is in a can.

The Harpoon IPA has a lighter color than most IPAs I have consumed. And it seems to have a "lighter"character as well. The hops flavor is there. It is pretty good. In fact, by using the lighter malt they can use less hops to give it that kick. This means it has the character of what I would call a lighter, refreshing beer and yet the hops bitterness is still there. If I could find more of this stuff I would try it out on the boat and possibly have a new summertime boat beer!

Modern Communication

Am I the only one who writes the post title last? I am thinking this is a very common thing to do. You know, type a bunch of shit first and then title it when you are done. But who knows. Maybe I just do everything ass backwards.

Someone I know accused me via text messaging of being a "wimp" because I was not drinking Stout. I found this to be amusing. First off, the fact it was a text message conversation means the other person is a chick. The reality is that text messaging sucks. Just call me if you have something to say. But chicks seem to love text messaging - and so for that reason only I tolerate it.

But getting back to why I thought the comment was amusing. First off, I have been drinking beer for well over 10 years now. And when I say drinking beer I do not mean cheap ass nasty crappy beer - I mean good beer. All the underage beer drinking and college dorm beer drinking does not count because that was either Old English 800, Mickey's Malt Liquor, or Natural Lite. I am talking about my "at least a Sam Adams" days. And Sam is pretty good stuff.

But anyway, the chick that was sending me the messages does not really drink beer. I have gone with her to places with great beer and she is ordering the cider or some other mixed drink.

The reality was I was having some fine India Pale Ale style beer. Now I can not really disparage stouts. I like stouts. But IPA beers have a greater hops flavor than any stout I have ever had. Stouts use dark roasted malts - and usually have more of a sweet malty flavor than a "kick you in the ass" hops bitterness. I kind of like that bitterness.

Anyway, I thought it was amusing. To me, a stout is a lot like water. If I want a "lite" beer I will order a stout. Otherwise, I am drinking a pale ale.

But what do I know? The thousands of dollars I have spent on beer over the years was probably just wasted money.

While I am on this rant, I think I am the only person on Earth that text messages using complete sentences, proper punctuation, and of course good grammar. I even use commas and shit. Nobody else does this. But I do. Why? I do not know. I just do. I do not speak using proper English, but when I write some crap I make a reasonable effort to use the language properly. All this text messaging shorthand crap is garbage. No, I will not "C U L8ER". I do not even know that the hell that means. If you are going to send me that shit you better be really super hot. Because to respond using proper English takes a long time. And when I have been drinking at the bar it takes even longer. I have to remember how to spell words.

So is it easier to text message someone, or just call them? I say it is easier to just call. I can say a lot more shit in a minute than I can type. And if my keyboard is a number pad it is even worse. Quick - what letters go with the number 5? Do not look at your phone and no thinking! Do you know off hand what letters go with the number 5 without thinking about it? Probably not. Unless you are a chick. I have no earthly idea. I would have to look at the keypad or think about it. Lets see here, nothing goes with 1. ABC = 2. DEF = 3. GHI = 4. JKL = 5. JKL! Got it!

Anyhow I will call my friend back later. When the sun is up. And I can talk to her without having to remember what number goes with what letters. Because really - I secretly do not like to have conversations using the text messaging shit.

Back To Normal

I have used this post title before. Blogger remembers. Or Firefox remembers. Whatever.

Anyhow, things are back to normal. I had to leave Fred and Sake in cat jail. What was their crime? Gluttony. Fred is fat and Sake is not fat but does not need to weigh more. They are both gobblers. The other cats are nibblers. Gigi, Cleo, and Skipper are nibblers. They like to eat small amounts of food often. Fred and Sake will just eat and eat. I was afraid if I left them with unlimited food they would eat it all and the nibblers would starve.

Anyhow when I got Fred and Sake out of kitty jail, the people said they were afraid if Fred. All he did was sulk in the back of his cage with his ears pinned back. He never growled or meowed or hissed or made any sound. He just looked at the people with his ears pinned back the whole time. They were afraid of that. It was the silent treatment that got the people on edge. But Fred nevedr attacked or killed anyone so it is all good.

Sake was nicer. She would act happy to see her captors. So they were not afraid of her. But they were afraid of Fred.

Gigi, Cleo, and Skipper hung out at home. I just left them with a lot of food and water. They were OK. I think Skipper pissed off the girl cats, but nobody beat anyone else up. Skipper was pretty happy to see a human again. I do not think the other cats were very nice to him.

I got a pre tour on the Eagle Friday. It was pretty cool. The ship was only open to special people on Friday - not the general public. I seem to count as a special person. Maybe it is my US Coast Guard ID? Who knows. Anyway I will be conducting tours on board today. In the afternoon. As an unpaid volunteer. But that is no big deal, I am just happy to be able to help out. By being there it means a cadet does not have to be there - so one more crew member can have a good time here in Miami and not have to remain on the ship. It really is the least that I can so. I will enjoy my time acting as a tour guide, and someone else sick of being on board can get off and go have a good time somewhere else. So everyone wins. I guess.

I still have to fix the F word ing power trim motor on the boat. And get dive tank mounts for the boat. Then I can go diving while the water is still bath tub warm.

But slowly, everything is going back to normal. Whatever the hell normal is.

Back Home

The week on the other side of FL is over. I am back in Miami. The drive across the Everglades was not very eventful.

Before I left the island on Thursday I had to send something off. What a mission that was! Something so simple has to be made complicated because of stupid bullshit. I should have dropped a duce in the post office but there are probably cameras and I would have been busted and whatnot. Ill post the whole story later.

On I-75 in Fort Myers heading south I could see lightning off in the distance. It was pretty cool. The road was wet so it had rained, but enough time had passed so that there were dry trails created by all the other cars. Only the part of the road that was damp was the parts of the road only drunks drive on.

Somewhere on the "Alligator Alley" section of I-75 there was a car on the side of the road. I saw some dude waving his arms at traffic passing by. I called FL Highway Patrol and they already had someone on the way to see what was up. Probably just a car breakdown.

I hit a little bit of rain when I was almost home. But that is about it.

On the alley, there are rest areas and recreation areas. At these locations there are a bunch of street lights. The rest of the road is dark. It sounded like it was drizzling in the dark areas and raining in the lit up areas. But it was not water - it was bugs. The Everglades is the world's bug factory. So now you know. If you live up north where it freezes solid in the winter and wonder "where the hell do all these bugs come from if it freezes in the winter", then know this. The bugs winter in the Everglades and move north in the summer. It has to be this way. Seriously, the sound of bugs hitting the truck was constant.

And now for other things. I probably have a few Miami area readers. And I happen to know about a totally FREE event going on this weekend right here in Miami.

This is the US Coast Guard Barque "Eagle". A barque is a ship that looks like the Eagle. The ship has three masts and over 21,000 square feet of sails. I think the actual number is 21,350 square feet of sail. And over 5 miles of rigging line.

And for this weekend, Saturday and Sunday - the ship is open to the general public for tours. It is an active duty Coast Guard vessel, used by the academy to train officers in the USCG. All USCG officers have to go on the Eagle. And it acts as an "ambassador ship" so unlike a regular cutter the public is invited on board when it is in port. It also visits other countries.

Anyhow it is going to be docked at Bicentennial Park. Admission and parking are free. The ship will be open for tours this weekend from 10 AM - 5 PM.

Down To The Wire

It seems like I just got back to Sanibel, and it is already time to go. Maybe that is because 24 hours ago I was thinking to myself "self, I think I will stop at the Waffle House in Naples to get some food because I am hungry and nothing is going to be open in Sanibel when I get there at 2 or 3 AM".

It seems that for the past few years I had to return home for one reason or another. It is like a trend. But the drive is not long. In 24 hours I will be home. I plan to get out of here somewhat early. I do not know exactly when.

So how did I spend my last full day here? I went on a cruise. I went to the marina to get the boat. I came out of the marina, around lighthouse point, and then anchored off the resort. I waded ashore to get a Guinness from the pool bar. Then I cruised down the beach up to Captiva and around Red Fish Pass. There were a bunch of people fishing there, but I doubt anyone was catching squat. There were too many bottle nose dolphin around. I had never seen so many wild dolphin in one place at one time. They were all over the place. Catching all the fish before the people could no doubt. Then it was out the Seven Seas Resort channel to the ICW. Then I went down down the ICW "going to sea". What does this mean? Well when you are "returning from sea" the red markers are on your right. In the ICW you are "returning from sea" if you are going in a clockwise direction starting from Maine. So from Maine south to Key West you are returning from sea, from Key West north up the west coast of Florida, around the panhandle to Alabama, then continuing to Mississippi, Louisiana, and finally hugging the Texas coast all the way to Mexico you are "returning from sea". That is how the ICW works. On the West Coast of the USA you are returning from sea of you are moving north from California to Oregon. So the reds will be to your right.

Before I leave today I will play around with the kayak. I have a sail for the thing because I am too lazy to paddle it. So that will be fun. I am not the best sailor, if it don't have a motor then I am sort of winging it.

Before I leave I need to buy more beer. There is a store on the island that sells "Full Sail IPA" that is excellent. They also sell "Sawtooth Ale" from Left Hand Brewing Company. I have never tried that stuff. And there is something else there too that I need to get.

I also have to get by the Lazy Flamingo before I bail out. I go there every year. Except this year.
And then I have to lug all my crap down the stairs, load it into the truck, and go home. Skipper will be happy - the other cats are probably being mean to him. He wants to play and the other cats want to be grouchy and not play.

ASW Destroyer Primauguet

French warship Primauguet is the fifth destroyer in a series of seven designed for anti-submarine warfare. Laid down in Brest, France (sounds like my kind of place) in November 1981, Primauguet entered service in 1986.

Her main deployment area is the Atlantic Ocean, and she belongs to the Naval Action Force in Brest. She can also be deployed overseas for longer periods. In 2003 she operated in the Persian Gulf. Primauguet has a set of fully integrated sonars for submarine detection, whose masterpiece is the variable depth active sonar.

MISSIONS:
Primauguet is designed for open sea Anti Submarine Warfare. Her main mission is to ensure the protection of the national strategic defense force, composed of nuclear ballistic submarines. Fitted with considerable anti-surface warfare and air defense capabilities, she is able to conduct any naval operation in modern warfare. Pictured above is one of her two Lynx helicopters.

And here is the art on the chopper. I thought it was pretty cool.

This photo was taken at the bow, looking back towards the stern. That deck gun is a 100mm turret mounted gun.

This is one of the smaller boats on the ship. This is a RIB or rigid inflatable boat. The keel and chines are fiberglass.

Technical Data:
Length 455 feet
Beam 52 feet
engines 2 diesel engines @ 5600 HP each, and two gas turbines @ 28,300 HP each.
Maximum Speed 30 knots

By the way, all of the technical stuff is what is written on the folder thing that were put out for any guest who wanted to get one. There is some other stuff, but I am too lazy to put it up. This ship is exactly 23.94 times longer than my boat, and 6.12 times wider than my boat. Or 436 feet longer and 43.5 feet wider. Whichever sounds bigger.

It was an excellent reception. The wine was great, and the champagne was fantastic. I did not know I like champagne until today.

It was a fantastic and rather unexpected privilege to be invited on board. I guess things like this happen if you know the right people. Apparently I do.

As usual, photos can be clicked to see them in full size.

I am back on Sanibel Island. I was only in Miami for about 23 hours. The whole reason for going back was to go on the ship. Feeling rather French, I was sipping on Perrier fizzy water while driving back to the island.

At this point I might as well try to stay up. The sun is probably going to rise in the next few minutes.

Back In Miami

But only for a day. I drove back Monday night and arrived at about 0130.

Now if you recall, three cats were left here with food and water and stuff. The boxes were ugly scary. Horrible. So I had to do some scooping. One box is self sifting so that was easy. Lift the sifting thing up, dump the stuff in it in the toilet. Flush.

And clog the toilet up.

The other two boxes require manual scooping with the plastic litter scoop thing. The clumping litter is great - but it clogs the toilet if you use too much. And I clogged the toilet. But it sort of flows and whatever - at least the boxes are not ugly anymore.

My formerly red truck is now brown, gray, and black with little streaks and blotches of yellow and orange here and there. The drive across Alligator Alley that runs right through the Everglades resulted in a lot of bug death. I think I killed all the bugs in the State. So now the Florida Everglades is 100% bug free thanks to me. Whatever managed to live I will go back for. I got two more treks across the State to make at night.

The reason for the early return home for a day is to go to a cocktail reception on board a French Navy Vessel. It is in Miami for the day, and I happen to know some people. Anyhow - I am going to do that. It will be cool.

Boat Saga

It seems I lost track of a few days somewhere. Maybe Sunday? What the hell. I have no idea.

But forget that. What I am going to type about now is the saga of the boat. You might want to get a snack. This could be involved. It is OK, Ill wait for you to get a snack and a beverage before I go on.

- pause -

Friday I left Miami, with my parents. My dad drove a Dodge 4x4 and towed the boat. I followed in my truck with the kayak tied to the roof. No real problems. The drive was as uneventful as usual.

Now for some background information. About a week and a few days before it was time to leave, I noticed a little itty bitty smidge of hydraulic fluid. It seemed to have came from the power trim motor. The power trim is the boat thingie that raises and lowers the outboard engine for everyone who is not Herr Krokodil. You need this to "trim" the boat out properly when it is running. Lowering the engine brings the bow down - raising it brings the bow up. I think. It is very late.

Anyway if the boat is running "bow up" then it never settles in the water properly. You can tell the idiots out there that do not know how to trim the bow down because their boats look like they are trying to take off. The bow is pointed up and the stern is trying to go under water. And theit ride is rougher than it needs to be and they can not see where they are going.

Bow down and you tend to "barge". The boat engine has to work harder because the bow is trying to fight the planing effect and remain in contact with the surface.

A properly trimmed boat sits level - maybe with the bow just a tiny bit up. But mostly level. But the boat is skimming the surface.

See I told you you should have got a snack! But it is too late now. You can get up now but I will not wait for you this time.

So I see the fluid leaking. But the motor worked when I tested it. And I went out the Sunday before I came here in the boat and the thing worked like a champ. How bad could this leak thing be? Apparently not that bad. So I did not think any more of it.

Saturday my dad and I go to the Sanibel ramp to put the boat in the water. I trim the engine up for launching - so the skeg does not hit the bottom.

And once in the water - the engine does not want to trim down. It "bounces" when I try to use the motor. But I get the engine down. My dad pulls the trailer out and goes to the marina to park the trailer. I take the boat around to find out what slip I am going to be in. And get more fluid for the trim motor because I figure the thing must be low.

But it was not low. Not that low anyway. I pull out of the marina because I am going to need to be in the water to put more fluid in the thing. And I did not want anyone to see me create an oil slick. So I go off to a beach by the public boat ramp. And I add the fluid. And create a small slick. It was unavoidable.

And the pump still does not work. In fact, it is worse now. A lot worse. I can no longer get the engine down. The switch has no effect. I press it down - and nothing happens. Not even any noise. Nothing. So I use the F word a few times. And the pump tries to work. It sounds like it is trying to work but the battery is too low.

Except the batteries are fine. I conclude the power trim motor is garbage. I manage to get the engine down just far enough to get the prop under water, and motor back to the marina.

The guy there says I have a manual release for the power trim. WOW! I do? COOL! A simple turn of a screwdriver later and the engine is down. But now it will not go up.

So what to do? Option 1 was pull the boat out, park it here at the resort, and do not use it. That sucks.

Option 2 was try to get it fixed. But by the time someone could do that it would be time to leave. That sucks.

Option 3 was say fuck the motor. I do not really need it anyway. With the engine all the way down the boat rides about right. Close enough anyway. I usually trim the bow up just a little bit, but if I can't then I can't.

So I went with option 3. Fuck the power trim. The engine will just stay down for a few days. The boat is in a wet slip so I do not have to deal with the trailer in and out thing.

And what about the part of the engine that is staying wet? What about it. Out drives on I/O boats stay in the water. I can flush the power head - because the engine has a hose flush port on it. The only part that I can not flush is the lower unit. The gears are encased in gear lube - so there should not be any water there. The drive shaft will not be hurt . The prop is stainless steel - it will be fine. And so on. Nothing will get damaged.

When I get home Ill worry about getting the pump fixed. But for now the pump is on my shit list and I do not care if it is crying out in pain. It deserves pain. When I remove the old pump I am going to torture it with a cutting torch.

And now - marvel at the FIRST CATCH on the boat! Yes, I went fishing at night and got something that was not a beer fish.

These are some kind of snapper. I am not sure what kind. Maybe mangrove snapper? Anyway unless they are red or mutton snapper (I am pretty sure they are not) they are both legal size. Both these fish are over 12 inches. Mangrove snapper have to be 10 inches, lane snapper have to be at least 8 inches, schoolmasters have to be 10 inches, and vermillion have to be 11 inches. All others have to be 12 inches. I thought that the size limit was 12 inches. So if these are mangrove snapper, I threw back a few that were 11 - 11.75 inches long thinking they were shorts. But they would have been legal. Whatever.

Oh Snap

Well, I am on the other side of Florida. The Gulf Coast. Only 170 miles away, but really it might as well be 2,000 miles away. Miami is a toilet. It is a shame really - the people that populate the place make it a toilet. It seems that all the rejects, malcontents, misfits, fuck ups, and assholes end up in Miami. Very few people are native to Miami. Most people are transplants from somewhere else. When people ask me "where are you from" and I say "Miami" they usually say something like "no I mean before you came here" or "really?!?!". Yes really. And no I did not come from someplace else.

But I wish YOU would go back to wherever you came from. Ill help buy you a bus ticket if you like.
This side of the State is a little different. Or at least it seems that way. Maybe it is because I stay on the Island and do not go into Ft Myers or Cape Coral. The island is nice. It is America so there is electricity and every place has AC. But it is an island, so nobody is in a hurry to do anything. Except close the bar. I think that one place (Jacaranda) remains open till 1 AM and the Lazy Flamingo is open till 2 AM. The Lazy Flamingo is more of a beer sports bar joint. The Jacaranda is a decent restaurant, but when the kitchen closes at 10 PM the patio area turns into a bar. No food, only booze. And music. It is pretty nice. And there may be other places around too. But they all close somewhat early.

But there is a problem. The Sanibel Police. Those guys have NOTHING to do. Nothing. There is no crime here. Very little. Anyone stupid enough to come here to stab the 7-11 clerk will probably get busted. All they have to do is shut down the causeway and there is no place to go. There is only one way on or off this island. Unless you have a boat.

Anyhow, there are three or four police cars for the island. And at night, at least half are on the road. Now this may seem like a small number, but this is a small place. So you have to be careful if you are out at 2 AM closing down the Lazy Flamingo.

I got my crap here. The satellite radio is working in my room. The boat is here, parked somewhere. Later today it is going to be launched and then it will go it its wet slip at the marina where it will live for a few days.

But I forgot the Pimms. Drat. And I forgot to buy more beer. So I only have 6 or 7. That is not enough.

I am going to return back to Miami for a few hours next week. I have a function to go to. Can't say more until AFTER it is over due to security concerns and stuff. I do not even know if I will be allowed to take photos.

But I can say this much. It involves a cocktail party.

Did It Again

Once again, I managed to do nothing to get ready to leave. Nothing. As in not a thing.

Dusty wanted to know what the cat plan is. Well there are 5 cats living here now. The cat boarding place wants $10 per day per cat. This results in a lot of money.

So what I am going to do is take advantage of the facts. Two cats are pigs, three are nibblers. Fred the fat ass is a pig. And Sake the long haired Siamese looking cat is a little bit of a pig. So they are going off to the boarder. The other three cats (Gigi, Skipper, and Cleo) are going to hang out here. I will leave them with a lot of food and water - and clean boxes. They should be OK. Except that Skipper is very playful. Cleo and Gigi are adults. Gigi hates all other cats. Cleo likes to be left alone. So Skipper is going to drive the two other cats insane. But that is their problem. $30 a day is a lot of money. So the adult cats will learn to play with Skipper.

I have to put Fred the fat ass and Sake away, or else they will eat all the food and the other cats will starve.

And I may have to come home for a day anyway. I may have some event to attend. A very cool event. It will be worth the return home. So during that time I can see how everyone is getting along. No problem.

Next post will be from Sanibel Island. Maybe even later today!

What Is Going On

So someone threatened to stab me if I do not disclose more stuff. But I can't disclose more. Because I do not know who reads this. There could be spies. Or maybe I am just paranoid?

Anyhow I need to find gainful employment. I have a few options on this front. A few leads. They are not super promising, but whatever. I do not want to go into too much detail, but the leads are for various companies that operate in Miami. Tourism related, of course. Everything here is tourism related. But I need something, the current situation is more like "getting by employment" than "gainful employment". One can only get by for so long. But at any rate, something will come up sooner or later. There is not much point in getting all wigged out over something that I do not have a lot of control over.

And then there is the other stuff. Do not know what is going on there really. Ill figure it out later. When I get back from the other side of Florida.

But at least I have someone do go diving with. That is good. I liked going diving, but I lost contact with dive buddies years ago. All my lame ass friends either do not swim or have no interest in breathing compressed air underwater. But whatever - in my boat crew training classes I made a new friend who does want to breathe compressed air underwater. And she has two friends who are supposedly also chicks. Yea, it is going to be REALLY hard to talk me into launching the boat. I am far too easy. But the boat is really not that hard to deal with. I can get it in and out of the water alone very easily. I knew there was a good reason not to get a larger boat. My old boat was pretty easy at the ramp, this new boat is even easier.

And lastly, if you are going to be in Miami next weekend I will post something you can do on Saturday for free. Family friendly here. More on this as soon as I can find a press release so I am not divulging secret information. But the public is welcome.

I am out of here Friday! The computer is going with me and the timeshare has free high speed internet access so there will be photos. And stuff.

Stupid Laws

Why the hell can't I buy beer on Sunday in Alabama? Seriously. Once I was in Alabama on my way home from Mississippi. Long story. I have some family that live in Mississippi. Anyway, since I was sitting in the back of the mini van and there were old people that had to stop to piss every 30 minutes I figured I might as well drink beer. It was not like I had anything else to do. And of course people in the mini van had to talk about stuff. And listen to shitty music.

The beer was medicine. It was either drink the beer or bust out a window and jump out of it - ending it all. And if the van had to stop every 45 miles for someone to piss anyway, why not drink? It is not like I ever had to say "you really need to stop this car before I wizz all over the place back here".

Somewhere in Alabama I ran out of beer. No problem! Ill just buy more. Well not so. I went into what passed for a "supermarket" and some redneck says to me "yall aint from around here are ya?". The beer was the clue. In Alabama you can not buy beer on Sunday.

So the guy then tells me that I have to drive another 75 miles to Florida, where I can buy all the beer I want. I say something like "I live in Florida, and what is this retarded bullshit about not being able to buy beer on Sunday here? Do you think God does not know you just buy extra beer Saturday?". Cause everyone in Alabama gets drunk on Sunday. But they think they are fooling God because they do not buy the alcohol on Sunday. And who says Sunday is the 7th day? What if God works a crazy schedule and his days off are Tuesday and Wednesday? That would make Sunday Thursday, and therefore alcohol sales should be banned on Wednesday! But oh well.

I was never so happy to be back in Florida. I almost cried at the State border.

What brings this up? Beats the hell out of me. Maybe I was out at The Bar in Coral Gables again. I can't remember.

Actually I can. The Bar has Sierra Nevada Pale Ale on tap. That is some good stuff. Real beer made here in America.

All sorts of crap is going on, and I have no idea what that crap is. This is always fun.

Lots Of Stuff To Do

Preparations for the annual migration to the west coast of Florida have begun. It is time to go off to Sanibel Island, which is located by Ft. Myers. It is a short drive. No big deal.

And of course, the boat power trim motor is leaking fluid. Hydraulic fluid. Is that not the best or what? There is probably not time to fix it. So I plan to just put more fluid in the thing and see what happens. If it dies it dies. Who needs it anyway?

I watched some more movies. So more reviews!

The Black Hole - actually a decent science-fiction movie. Back in its day, the special effects were considered to be great. And the movie has its own overture. Three tail whips. Maybe even 4.

City Of Ghosts - sucks. I just could not get into this movie. 2 tail whips. Skip this one. Boring.

I need to get scuba tank mounts for the boat. The ones I want to get are made by Sea Sucker. They use suction cup mounts to stick to a smooth surface. The suction cups are super heavy duty. Each one can hold several hundred pounds. The nice thing about them is they do not require any drilling and I can put them in or take them out as needed. The bad thing about them is the cost. But whatever I end up with I need to get something. I know at least one person who I can dive with. The snorkeling trip went well enough. There are a few places I want to hit up. There are a lot of shallow reefs, and some other cool stuff in water less than 60 feet deep. Like old army tanks. And a Boeing 737 artificial reef. And stuff. Very cool.

A Bunch Of Random Words

I learned something today.

Swimming is hard work. Even if there is just a slight current, swimming against it causes foot cramps. And sometimes leg cramps. But I learned a long time ago in scuba class how to deal with that. Grab the ends of your fins, and pull them towards your body. Thats it. No problem.

The snorkeling mission went over well. There were a lot of fish. I saw some coral. And a tarpon. I found the reef.

Some other time, when I have dive tank holders installed in the boat there will be a full fledged diving mission.

I am too tired to type anymore. Unless you just want to see a random jumble of words.

By the way why do people say "random jumble"? Can't you just say "jumble"? Is there such a thing as a well ordered non random "jumble"?

Crazy Ass Weekend

Wow what a day. I was up fairly late Friday night. And then Saturday I had to go to some really cool pollution investigation training at the sea port. Of course this had to start early in the morning. Then I get home and a few hours later I had to go to the party thing. And then I started to watch The Black Hole.

Today at 0830 I plan to launch the Seagull to head off to North Key Largo for some snorkeling. It is really a spy mission to the reef. I ran into someone who just got certified for scuba diving. This is handy because I happen to be certified too. But up till now, nobody I knew was certified or interested in getting certified. Diving alone is a really super extra horrible idea. Too many things can go wrong. So now I may have a dive buddy. Pretty slick. In fact I may have found a group of three people that are new divers. So with me making 4, that is two buddy teams. One team can remain on the Seagull while the other team dives. It is a good idea to keep someone on board to monitor the boat and make sure it does not break its mooring or sink or whatever. Anyhow that would work out great.

But today is just a spy mission to show one person just how great the reef I selected is. It is a safe place for a new diver, and one who has not dove for many years, to gain some skills. It is not very deep, the water is clear, there is a ton of stuff to see, and if there is any current is it weak.

Holy crap I am going to be beat tomorrow afternoon. But it is OK. Boat missions are always worth it. I can always sleep later. Sleep is over rated anyway.

Happy Birthday To France.

Today, a long time ago, a bunch of pissed off French People stormed a royal prison / arsenal called The Bastille. You see the King at the time was a total douche. So the people said "Yo King Douche, you have to go. NOW! Do not let the door hit your royal ass on the way out". And so it was. The Republic of France was born. The King was out. The King went crazy and ended up loosing his head over the whole mess.

So now this day is known as "Bastille Day". The French call it "National Holiday". Of course they say it in French. So if you are French, happy Bastille Day! Or Fête Nationale! By the way, thanks for the cool statue. It looks good in New York.

So how do I know all this stuff? Wikipedia. Also I have to go to a Bastille Day party. There will be wine and food and it is all free. It is going to be terrible. Horrible. But I will survive. I will just have to drink the free wine and eat the free food and suffer through it all. It is a rough life, but someone has to live it. I am going to consume all that great free French wine so you do not have to. See what a great guy I am? I should get a friggin medal. Really. The sacrifices I am willing to make are amazing.

I am also going to get two more movies today. From my "holy crap I have not seen that in ages" list there is "The Black Hole". And from the "Ill give it a shot but I am not really expecting that much from it" list there is "City Of Ghosts".

I watched Lolita. It was "scandalous" by the standards of the day it was filmed in. The director was very limited in what he could show. The book was actually a lot more detailed. In the novel, Lolita was 9 years old. In the film she is 14. But still, it is creepy in its concept. It is considered a classic but I had a hard time getting into it. But it is well made. 2 tail whips. But it gets a bonus tail whip for being a classic.

Got to take pollution investigation training in the morning. So that means I get to be up at some unholy hour of the morning to drive to the sea port and learn how to look for pollution. I am sure I can find some. I plan to bring a quart or two of old motor oil with me so if I do not see any pollution I can dump the oil then say "look at what I found! POLLUTION! I found it, so it is mine! Go find your own pollution!". Or something like that.

I have to wake up in 4 1/2 hours. It is going to be one of those days.

No Idea

I had an idea for a post today. But then I forgot what it was. Maybe if I just type crap it will come to me? Who knows.

I watched Return Of The Killer Tomatoes. It was a very good B movie. It was a spoof of itself in a way. They knew it was a low budget B movie. So it had really bad acting. I think the actors were acting bad on purpose. They made fun of their own special effects. There is even a joke about running out of money and having to do product placement. So if you really REALLY like bad 80s B movies, you have a problem. So I will rate it as a B movie. I mean, you know it is going to be cheesy just by the title. So as a B movie, and compared to such winners as "Killer Clowns From Outer Space" and "Plan 9 From Outer Space" this gets 3 tail whips. Remember my B movie scale is not the same as my A movie scale. 3 tail whips on the B movie scale can not really be converted. If you have any tolerance for low budget flicks, you may like Return Of The Killer Tomatoes. If not then do not bother. You will want to go postal.

And speaking of going postal, here is a wonderful device someone invented.

It seems to be something a deer hunter would use. I can think of more than one HUMAN that deserves to have this device used on them. Can you?

Talk about ripping one a new hole! OUCH! Who the hell thinks up these kinds of things?

What You REALLY Want To Say

Not too long ago I posted a great cartoon jingle to open any movie. Don't talk, watch. The death metal song featuring hardcore movie snacks that threaten to stab you if you do not shut up.

Well here is another public service announcement. It is what you REALLY want to say to others at the movies. WARNING! This is really what you want to say. It is not work safe. Nothing you REALLY REALLY want to say to someone else who is annoying you is work safe.



They really should play this before every movie. I swear I have seen people at the movies playing on a PSP. Why would you pay to go somewhere just to play your PSP? Just keep your ass at home! Play with yourself all you want there. Keep a towel nearby.

Movie Review!

Reno 911!: Miami. Probably the best part of this movie was being able to say "Hey, that is the Parrot Jungle Island!" or "I know that causeway, I was stuck on it for hours one day because some asshole did something stupid" or "that is not a police department, that is the pit of the Miami-Dade County Emergency Operations Center at the Miami-Dade County Fire Rescue HQ building on NW 40th street not too far from the Doral Ale House". And "Is that the security checkpoint at the cruise ship terminal?". And stuff like that. Otherwise, the movie was about as good as the show on Comedy Central. In other words, not so great. It has its moments here and there. But mostly this movie was a horrible waste of everyone's time. Assholes come to Miami to film bad movies, shutting down roads to local traffic for DAYS at a time. Oh but it brings money to the city! Yea, well not to me. I do not get any of that movie money. But do I get stuck in the traffic? Not really. I do not live on the beach. But someone gets stuck in the traffic. And I am sure it pisses them off.

So please, if you want to make a movie in Miami try to do better than "the fast and the fuckwitted 2" that shuts down the MacArthur Causeway for 3 or 4 days just to shoot a car chase scene that lasts 10 minutes on the film. If the movie is going to be crap, and I am not going to get paid off with any of that movie money - shoot your crap film somewhere else. Like Naples. That is an excellent place. I do not live there.

Word On The Street

So a bunch of stuff here is updated. Like the Iguana Music. It is really hot here. I had to assist in a moving mission and almost died. I think I had mild heat exhaustion. I was sweating like crazy and not feeling so well. Anyway "Heat Of The Moment" has the word heat in it. The next few Iguana Music features will be heat or hot themed. Pretty nifty huh? I thought so.

I also updated the Netflix list. And what a list it is. Return Of The Killer Tomatoes? Yup. Not all B films are bad. Just the ones that try to be "serious". Return Of The Killer Tomatoes does not try to do this. According to the reviews anyway. And some A list actors are in it. Like George Looney. Is that his name? OH WAIT! Clooney! Lolita is also there. A Stanley Kubrick movie based on a novel by Vladimir Nabokov. Anyhow the movie was severely restricted by the ratings board and the Catholic Legion Of Decency. Ironic in a way. The Catholic Legion Of Decency should have been paying more attention to reality and what was going on in some parishes and less attention to fiction. But whatever. And then there is Reno 911: Miami. It will probably be cheesy. But who knows.

Doozie asked on her blog how I manage to get the word on the street. Like the word on the street that the gold spray paint is the best to huff. I got this word from some crazy guy running down Bird Road totally naked holding a can of paint, a brown paper bag, and with gold paint all over his face. I think the cops tazered him a short time later.

You see, I am a lot like a colossal squid in the abyss of the deep sea. Only one of these creatures has been seen alive. Unlike the slightly smaller giant squid, none that I am aware of have even been found dead but intact. All that people had to go on for decades were the odd body part here and there, along with other evidence such as scars on whales and stuff.

like these creatures, I lurk in the inky blackness with my tentacles stretched out - gathering information about the world around me while at the same time remaining hidden from view. Word on the street is I am pretty good at what I do.

Oh yea, I might also just make stuff up. I like doing that.

Ask The Iguana

Welcome to the first installment of "Ask The Iguana". Today's question is a two part question from Dusty and Ba Doozie.

Ba Doozie asked "Why are bars so dark? I could never figure that out, these days, the new micro brewery's etc are light and bright and full of sprite"

Excellent question! A good bar will be dark because when you are drinking, light hurts your eyes. You want there to be enough light to see where you are walking, but not any more than that. As you drink more, your eyes adjust to the darkness. So if the bar is too dark for you, then you have not drank enough. If a place is set up for drinking, it will be dark. The lights will be dim. This is just how it is. Sometimes the bartenders even have small flashlights with them. Sometimes I bring a small flashlight so I can see what the hell my tab is. But I like these places. The dim lights give the place a laid back sort of feeling. You know, what is the hurry to leave? Stay for another beer! It is so bright outside, and nice and cool and dark in here!

But dark bars have their own dangers. You need to be VERY VERY careful who you hook up with. Really extra super careful. Cause the dim lights can really mess you up. What looks like a not so bad idea may turn into a VERY bad idea in brighter light. So be careful.

Now for Dusty's question! "Who drinks in the damn dark? Nothing like tripping over shit when your drunk".

Well I drink in the dark. Not total darkness, but like I said before low ambient light is much more pleasing to a drinker than bright light. The soft dim light puts you in the right drinking mood. And when the lights go up you know that means "time to leave". How do you know it is time to leave if the lights are bright all the time? You don't. Drinkers take their cues by the brightness of a place.

The place has enough light so you do not trip over stuff. And you can even read the menu! There is just enough light for that. But no more. It is a truly great place.

If you have a question for The Iguana, put it in a comment. If I like the question and I have nothing else to post about - your question may be featured next!

And now I will leave you with this wacky story. You have to admire the commies. Really. They are trying to tap into the western tourist market. There is a lot of money there! And they try so hard. They get a gold star for trying. But they just can not get it right.

Case and point - China's newest "tourist attraction". The world's largest.......public bathroom! Yes you read that right. China wants to create a "toilet culture" where people can listen to music and watch TV while they piss on something. The giant toilet, with over 1,000 stalls, is located in an area that sees a lot of foreigners. Officials claim people will be "very, very happy" after using the toilet. There are over 1,000 stalls on three floors. Some are even in an open air area.

Here are three of the over 1,000 pissers. I do not think the Pope is going to be using them anytime soon. Is that a Virgin Mary pisser? Those wacky Chinese! The toilets under a roof are even better. They are everywhere. Along the stairs. Along the walls. All over the place.

And yes, there is a ladies room too.

The Chinese plan to build a supermarket nearby that will sell toilet related items. Toilet souvenirs? Are they serious?

To the Chinese Officials I say this. You guys have the right idea. Tourist like to go to the "world's largest __________". But you guys need to work more on the concept. Next time build the World's largest roller coaster. Or the world's largest wall. WAIT! You already have that.

Nobody really wants to go all the way to China just to piss in the world's largest public bathroom.

New Iguana Music, almost as bad as some of the toilets in China.

Reviews and Mystery Boat Part

Time for more MOVIE REVIEWS!

1. Red Eye. Someone told me it was good. That person is a moron. It sucks. Big time. 0 tail whips. It was worse than Flight Plan. And that movie was a festering stinking turd.

2. Dr. Strangelove. Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb. I had actually never seen this film before. This is a Kubrick film. One of his early attempts at directing. The film starts off with a message from the USAF stating that there are safeguards in place to prevent the events in the film from happening. So you know it is going to be good. This is a wonderful piece of cold war dark humor. A general goes crazy and orders SAC to bomb Russia. Of course nobody authorized it. So now everyone has to figure out how to recall the bombers before they nuke something. One bomber fails to get the recall message and is not shot down. OOPS! That is the dark part. The humor part is scattered through the film. 4 tail whips. Really good movie. Most, if not all of Stanley Kubrick's movies were good.

3. 28 Days Later. I actually saw this one in the theater. But being a dumb ass I walked out as the credits were rolling. And then later I find out that there was an alternate ending after the credits! Well that sucks ass. So I either had to sneak in to catch the alternate ending OR wait for the movie to be out on DVD. So I waited. It is another take on the zombie movie. Except these zombies are not undead. They are infected with rage. They are REALLY pissed off. And these are not your usual slow, lumbering zombies. These zombies can run and climb and stuff. Any how some people are not infected. And they have to keep it that way. While the infected pissed off zombies are after them. Pretty good for a zombie movie. Not as excellent as Shaun Of The Dead however. 28 Days Later tries to be a "serious" zombie movie, Shaun Of The Dead was more of a comedy/zombie movie. All in all, I give this "serious" zombie movie 3 tail whips. If you like zombies, you will probably dig 28 days later. 28 Weeks Later is also on my list.

And now for the mystery boat part! I have this water separating fuel filter on my boat. It separates the water from the gas. It is a simple device. The fuel goes in one side of the filter. The water sinks to the bottom. Then the fuel can flow on to the engine. There is a filter element in there too that attempts to remove any particles that could be in the gas. All in all very simple.

I just need to know who makes it. My internet searches have turned up zilch. So if you know who makes this filter, let me know! It seems to be made out of 100% marine brass. It was probably not cheap.

Rested

It seems there is no rest for the wicked. Once again it is well after 3 AM and guess who is awake?

That reminds me of some campy cheesy old TV commercials. They used to show this one a lot on local Miami TV stations.

You see a window in a building.
VOICE OVER: Is that a light on in David Singer's office?
VOICE 2: Yes. It is 10 PM and David Singer is still at work! I am glad David Singer is the asshole I hired for the fraudulent lawsuit I filed!
VOICE 3: David Singer, attorney at law.

The commercial went something like that. I am sure my Miami area lurkers will post comments about that commercial. EVERYONE made fun of them. 10 PM??? PLEASE!!!!! Cry me a river David Singer! Nobody ever works that late. Only you. I ought to kick your ass. 10 PM? You are a pussy David Singer. I have worked till well past 1 AM before. And I have showed up to work at 4 AM many times. Oh boo-hoo. You "worked" till 10 PM. Should I get out my World's smallest violin so I can play the world's saddest song for you???

But I was not out working. It is Saturday night. I was out for some beer. There is this really cool place called "The Bar" located in Coral Gables - two blocks north of Miracle Mile off Ponce for all you Miami lurkers. It is a great place. Really. They light the place with 15 watt amber light bulbs. Enough light to see, barely. It is the perfect drinking place. It is like 3 AM in that place 24/7. Nobody wants bright lights when they are drinking. The Bar friggin rules.

OH YEA! I promised photos of the Fowery Rocks lighthouse. Well here you go. Click the photo for a larger version of the same photo.

Well that is it. The lighthouse was built in 1878. The house looking part is where the lighthouse keeper used to live. Now it is empty. But the lighthouse still works, and is a well known aid to navigation to all mariners. Large ships heading into the Port Of Miami probably see the lighthouse before they see the sea buoy that marks the entrance to Government Cut (channel that leads to the Port Of Miami).

Next weekend I may go diving on Carysfort Reef. If I do Ill get some photos. Somehow.

OH YEA! New Iguana Music. The Japanese version of "Party Join Us". I think the band's name is "Crayon". I think. I have an English version too. That will come later.

Beat

Can....not....stay....awake.

Friday at some crazy hour of the morning (around 9 or 9:15 AM) I got a call. Of course I was not awake. I was up till at least 5 AM. Maybe 6 AM. Who knows.

Anyway I get a call. One of my friends was out on his boat fishing. Problem was his boat was not making any power. The engine would only hit 3000 RPM (should spin up to at least 5000 RPM) and was just not producing power to get the boat on plane.

I hate it when that shit happens. And it does happen. Last time his boat was in the water it ran great. That was last week. This week - no go.

So after going over what it could be (clogged fuel filters, bad fuel, fouled spark plugs, dead cylinder(s), or something else totally unrelated to any/all of the above) he says "can you meet us at the dock to go fishing?".

So I get to thinking. Can I? Well lets see. My boat has a full tank of gas. I had just used it last Sunday and it ran great. I have never gone into blue water with it and I wanted to know how it could handle the ocean rollers. So yea, I guess I can head out.

So I get up, throw the equipment in the boat, and head to the ramp. I get there just as my buddy is limping back to port.

All the fishing crap was tossed from boat A to boat B, then I loaded everyone up (4 in total including me) and we took off to the deep blue sea to troll for dolphin. Not flipper, but the dolphin fish. I am far too tired to find a photo. Google search "dolphin fish", "mahi-mahi" or whatever yourself.

Long story short - no fish. Not even any shorts. No fish at all. I was in 700 feet of water, on the edge of the Gulf Stream, and nothing.

So I headed back in. Got back to the ramp and got home at about 5 PM. Washed the boat down, flushed the engine, backed the boat under the carport thing, and showered - and then bailed out to go to my weekly training thing at the Yacht Club to which I am not a member.

After the training the group goes to the bar for beer and food. Mostly beer. I hang out till the bar closes. We tip the bartender well so everyone just pretends that somebody in the group is a member of the club. Someone is, but that someone was not there tonight. Oh well.

Then after the bar closes we chill out and eat shit for another hour or so. Then I come home. Nuke some food, watch a bit of TV, and then.........

It is now 3:17 AM. I am beat.

Pictures of the Fowrey Rocks lighthouse and a Moon Over Miami tomorrow. Or maybe later today. Check back.

Also some exciting news about Stiltsville.

"Special" Day

TLP alerted me that today is in fact the President's birthday. Now believe it or not I do not have much material for this occasion. I could make a joke about them not being able to use regular birthday candles because Bush can not count that high. They will have to use two number candles. But that would be too easy. And it is probably true.

This has to be a hard time for the Bush family. What do you get W? Getting him a kayak is a bad idea. Ed will really get a kick out of this video.



It is just mean to get someone a birthday present that is beyond their mental ability to use. But the Bush family is big on boats. They love boats. Here is Bush Senior docking his triple engine open fisherman.



OK! So now we see the acorn does not fall too far from the oak tree. Of course now that I said this I will probably have difficulties next time I try to dock my boat. But that is a nice boat. running it on the dock like that probably did not cause any damage at all.

But anyway, you might think that a 25mm offshore flare gun and a new boat would be a good birthday present for W. Well think again! Don't want this to happen, do we?



Now this guy is a real winner! Clearly drunk. And stupid. Drunk + stupid is never a good combination. I like the way drunk stupid guy 2 is more worried about his towel than the burning metal that is in the cabin of the boat, possibly setting everything else on fire. You can not put a flare out once it is lit. That is a class D fire - burning metal. It will continue to burn even underwater. Darwin's theories must be flawed. The ancestors of the idiots in this video managed to live long enough to reproduce. There is dumb, there is REALLY DUMB, and then there are the people in the last video.

So yea, birthday shopping for W has to be a bitch. Nothing sharp, nothing too hard, nothing too complex, nothing with an instruction manual that is not all pictures, and so on.

I think that I would just get him something made out of Nerf material.

Smells Like A Gun Fight.

I take it everyone still has all their fingers and toes. I hope. If you paid attention to the wonderful safety video I posted then you should be OK.

Now if you read the comments from yesterday, you learned about the insane fireworks policy Pennsylvania has. Fireworks are illegal there, yet they are openly sold. Just not to people who live there. You have to be from out of State. So if you live in New Jersey close to the Pennsylvania border just drive across it and buy whatever you want. But if you live in PA then I guess you have to drive to New Jersey to buy stuff. Something like that.

Florida, not to be outdone, has its own crazy fireworks policy. Ariel stuff is illegal. If it goes BOOM or up in the air, it is illegal. Pretty simple.

Except that there are many places that will sell you anything. You just have to promise that you will go out of State to shoot the stuff off. There are fireworks warehouse places in South Florida where you can buy all the illegal fireworks you want. Shells, rockets, whatever. You can also mail order stuff.

So needless to say, all over the place people were setting off all manners of stuff. Some of the shells people buy are almost like the "professional" shells at the public shows. They go up there pretty high and explode creating large displays. People must spend big bucks on that stuff. But unlike the public shows, the fire department is not on standby. And there is no safety buffer zone. People just set that stuff off in the middle of the street. And if the launch tube should fall over? OH WELL! Or should a shell fizzle and explode too low? OH WELL! Sucks to be you.

But I did not hear any horrific screams, so everyone around here must have been OK. I guess. The air was thick with gunpowder. Of course for Miami it is perfectly normal for the air to be thick with gunpowder smoke.

At least it rained earlier in the day. Having everything wet is good when possibly drunk people are playing with explosives.

Today's safety video is called "How To Not Launch A Jet Ski". Enjoy.



This guy is a moron. How he got that truck so far in the water is a mystery to me. The ski weighs only a few hundred pounds. You do not need to get them that far in the water to float them. I launch a real boat in a similar truck (My Tacoma has 4 doors and the V6 engine) and never have any problems. If my 18 foot and 19 foot boat did not have to be that deep to float, neither does a jet ski.

Shit like this is funny to watch. People here go to the ramps on a busy day just to watch the madness. It is like a spectator sport.

Safety First!

It seems to be Independence Day! America's Birthday. Sort of. One of the birthdays anyway. On this day 231 years ago someone wrote a document and other people signed it and independence was declared. The king was a fink and decided to tax people without giving them a seat in Parliament.

And how do we celebrate the day? We get drunk as hoot owls, BBQ stuff, and play with deadly explosives! Yes deadly explosives! An American tradition.



Here we can see what happens if you are made out of foam and hold onto the deadly explosives for too long.

Videos like this is why people get hurt. I do not know about you, but I have never seen fireworks this powerful. Well not the ones I did not make myself out of a pound of rifle powder. But I never did that. Making illegal fireworks is illegal. And probably dangerous. You could be like one of those foam dummies.

But like I was saying - come on! Yea you can get hurt - but you are not going to blow your head off! You are not going to blow your arm off up to your elbow. You may get a nasty burn if you set off bottle rockets that are in your pocket. But you have to be REALLY dumb to do this. Really dumb and wearing black socks with Crocs. But nobody could possibly be that dumb, or ever wear socks with sandals.

OK well almost nobody.

My point is they make these "safety videos" that are clearly rigged. The explosives used are pretty substantial. More substantial than anything I have ever seen for sale. Why not just be honest? Yea you can loose a finger or two. Is that not enough? Why make it look like you can loose your head? Be honest.

I decided not to bother the nice people at the dump with my oversize flatbed trailer. I came up with a far better system!

The County gave everyone these nice 96 gallon green garbage cans. They have the special trucks with the claw that come by, grab the can, dump it, and drive off. It is a one man show.

The neighbors are not in town. So I get this idea. Why not just take their can and fill it with crap from the trailer? And then fill my can with crap from the trailer. Leave both on the curb and let the truck come and empty them. Then put the neighbor's can back and nobody will ever know.

Dump or no dump - I will get my shit out of here either way! Take that Miami-Dade County Department Of Solid Waste! Your trailer policy is irrelevant. I found a way around it.

Have a great Independence Day. Do not blow off any body parts with firecrackers.

Hey, You Have A Truck!

This is great. But first, NEW IGUANA MUSIC! Can't find this on I-Tunes.

I have a friend. Lets just call this friend "friend X" for short.

Friend X is, like a lot of people in Miami, living in an illegal apartment. See a popular thing to do here is take a single family home, put in a few extra shitters/showers, wall them off, and rent the space as an apartment. I could take a single family home and make at least 5 apartments out of it. Maybe more. Charge $500 or $600 per room and make a few bucks while other saps pay the mortgage on the place. But it is illegal. Against zoning laws.

Anyhow Friend X lives in such a place. Well the other day Friend X was getting ready to take a shower - and shit backed out of the shower drain. Real shit. Sewage. It was backing up out of the shower drain and into the tub.

So Friend X decides to....flush the toilet! Now of course there was a clog somewhere. Something was wrong. So what do you suppose happened? The toilet overflowed. Probably saw that one coming.

Anyhow, with the tub full of shit and piss, and the toilet overflowing, Friend X just left. I think Friend X camped out under the I-95 downtown overpass that night. Who knows. The point is where ever Friend X ended up, it smelled better than the illegal apartment.

Oh yea and it gets better! The landlord made TWO illegal apartments at the single family home. And apartment 2 is rented out to some crazy dude who just got out of prison. He spends most of his time drunk and milling about the place.

Needless to say, Friend X is looking for another place to live.

So what do I have to do? I have to find a place to dump the flatbed trailer. The County says my trailer is too large to count as a "residential" trailer. They keep telling me it is a commercial trailer and I can not dump it at the dump.

So tell me - if I can not dump the garbage in the trailer at the dump - where the fuck can I dump it? On the side of the road? In the Mayor's front yard?

So what I do is play dumb. The dump master says "you can't dump this trailer here anymore - but we will give you a courtesy dump today". Ahh, the courtesy dump. How nice. So I take my courtesy dump and go. After a few months they forget and I go back. I have taken 4 or 5 courtesy dumps already.

But I better get rid of all the crap in the tailer. I detect a moving mission soon. Very soon. Friend X better pony up for gas and beer. I already know what the deal is. Since I have a pickup truck I must love hauling shit around town.

Hey, You Scratched My Anchor!

It was a decent day out on the water Sunday. I did not really run too far, just from a boat ramp to a nearby park and back. There was a picnic thing I went to. I could have just driven there. But I wanted to run the boat. It needed to be run. It was maybe a 15 minute ride each way. Not too bad. I got more time getting used to the ride of the power cat design.

But some asshole scratched my anchor. It happened kind of like this.



Sort of. Close enough anyway. I hate it when people scratch my anchor. Darn blow boats are always getting in the way.

I think I can touch the scratch up with a little paint.

Sunday Something Starting with S.

And containing a H. And a T. Oh yea and it needs a vowel. How about I?

What is it called when you use a bunch of words that contain the same sound? Alliteration? Something like that. Anyhow I like doing that. That would explain the title of the post. Just in case you were wondering.

Don't really have time for more. The boat is hitched up, the digital camera is charging, and I have a full complement of beer. And fizzy water. And possibly all sorts of other stuff I am forgetting about. Like for example.....drain plugs? I don't know anymore. I just hope I do not forget the boat keys. That would totally suck. It would suck to the second power.

The drain plugs in the new boat require a wrench to put in. So I have to not forget to bring the proper size wrench. I keep an adjustable wrench in the truck tool box so it is not likely I will leave home without it.

And now, for your viewing pleasure - people falling off on or off boats! Some of the people in this video may have needed pain killers afterwards.


NETFLIX UPDATE! You can now watch movies right from the Netflix website! It helps to have a high speed internet connection. Coolness. I can watch 18 hours of movies online every month. For every buck you pay a month you get 1 hour of viewing time.

MOVIE REVIEW - The Bridge. This film chronicles, through interviews with friends and family, the story of a few people who choose to end it all by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.

REALLY heavy subject matter here. After this movie, you will not look at that bridge the same way. I had no idea so many people jump from it. This film defies a rating.

BLAZING SADDLES - I think everyone has seen this movie. It is said to be Mel Brooks's finest film. I do not know about that. I thought that History Of The World Part I was his best movie. But Blazing Saddles is funny. For its time it was probably much funnier. I had seen it before. I rented it again because it was a "special edition" DVD. It was the same movie.